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Agricultural Show ever held in Cornwall, at the expiration of the time A PROTEST.
originally proposed. IR, – I do not know to whom It was COLUMBUS who discovered canaries at sunrise on the morrow is committed the task of draw- of St. Martin, in the lovely islands in the Platonic Ocean which derive ing up the Programmes of the their name from
these favourite little warblers. Those he brought home Great Musical Festivals, but I with him round Cape Horn he presented, along with a magnificent was sorry to observe that a vul. Genoa cake, to the children of Paul and Virginia of Spain, who begar and impertinent Music Hall stowed on him the Order-80 rarely given to any but crowned headscustom (justly reprehended by of the Moulting Phenix. COLUMBUS was wearing the insignia of this you, Sir, on its creeping into Order-a feather
in his cap—when RALEIGH met him in Birdcage Walk theatrical play-bills), should be on the Queen's Birthday, and settled the plan of that famous joint apparently getting the thin end expedition to Cayenne which put doubloons into their pockets, and of its wedge into the high-class pepper in the casters of all Christendom. bill of fare provided for the public by the Hereford Festive Musical caterers. I allude, Sir,
Lately, when viewing the Horse Show from a private horse-box, the to the introduction of the question suggested itself, when and by whom were borse-shoes first Christian pames, not for the sake invented ?, They are not mentioned by the writers of antiquity-not of distinction, but, as it were, Rome did not use
them. They were unknown to the Venetians. The
even in The Knights of ARISTOPHANES. The Equestrian Order at to induce familiarity, oblivious of tradition that the Wandering Jew
up in a fit of desperation the We are accustomed to see in on the shores of the Ægean, rests on insufficient foundation, and bas the Music Hall advertisements, long been abandoned by all thorough-bred authorities. Pieces of metal that “Fred So-and-80," "Lottie of the same shape were affixed to their front doors, as a charm against This,” “Nellie (she was chris- the evil eye and rheumatism, by the Montagues and Capulets ; but the tened Ellen, of course) That," Uarmonious Blacksmith had not then been composed, and the Horse force themselves on the public. Artillery was still in its infancy. Very good (or very bad), and so
The most improbable theory is, that they were introduced into be it. Live and let live: and Europe, following the course of the Danube, about the time of the that's their way of getting a
Revival of Learning, and were gradually adopted by the nations whose living. But why should the position on the Turf was improved by the fall of the Western Empire.
objectionable fashion be allowed (See HORSLEY, passim.) to creep upwards ? I name no names, but merely beg to suggest Swiss Republic, there is not a single shoe which can be traced farther
In the Museums of Constantinople, South Kensington, and the what the high-class musical programmes may arrive at in futuro: sic,
back than the time of the CHEVALIER BAYARD, for whose historical Sonata in G
BILLY BEETHOVEN. charger, Black Bess, BENVENUTO CELLINI, by, command of LEO THE Overture
Tenth, executed an exquisite set in damascened aluminium, which were Chorus
unfortunately lost in the "Battle of the Spurs.”
BACON ON TWO LEGS.
A South-Western Idyl.
All you whoever oaks has got,
Be fools that lets your acorns rot.
Five shil'ns a sack they fetches here,
'Cause they for pigs be daainty cheer.
Zome Christians can devour,'um too,
Which I beheld a feller do,
One marnun as I took my way
There grow'd a bough athurt a lane,
A chap you'd call a “rural swain,"
Did off on't pluck the fruit, and ate
The same what sarves the hogs for mate.
The Paarson he was passun' by,
And zin un too as well as I.
'A says,—“That there chap bain't no fool,
Know thy see ought un is his rule.” the same afternoon at one of her tea-parties at Hampton Court, after
Know thy see ought un! What's that there?
Thinks I: the Paarsun zee me stare.
'A says, -" His choice o' diet shows
His self how well that Rustic knows."
"In Vino Veritas."
SANDIE Mac SAWNIE respondeth : "Truth in wine, indeed! Hoot,
What a great blessing our noble Hospitals and Charitable institu-
He then goes on to say, quoting that elegant Latin writer, M. T.
OUR OWN ALSATIA.
They shall not have our own Wbitefriars.
To PISCICULTURISTS.—The Oldest Fish in the Waiter. “'NDEED, SIR! PERHAPS IF YOU WERE TO ORDER SOMETHING TO DRINK WITH world is to be found at the Vatican. It is called
The Seal of the Fisherman.
careering Gee I'd be in a foreign land, far away from the ancestral
diggins, but a noble Marquis in marble halls, and all sorts of games (From CAPTAIN DYNGWELL.)
But where are we now! Excuse your Light-bearted Militaire, but The Empire is pieces.
sometimes he does feel damp, and a pick-me-up or a B. and S. is bis Even the Hereditary Grand dropped a manly.
only joy. I wish my creditors were al Frenchmen at this moment. On wo goes again. Vive ce gai Militaire !
I'd be quite the Prooshan Officer, and make 'em come to terms. But
they won't. There never was such a lively Gee as my superior animal. He was once (I know it now, as he's up to the whole bag of tricks,), in a To enliven the evenings, I have, at the request of the Hereditary and Circus, and when he's shed his coat-which he's doing now, only the the Crown, commenced a novel-quite the Literary Dustman—which paint was laid on with a whitewash brush-we shall see the celebrated I shall call The Dook and the Duchess. There's been nothing down spotted Gee of my early childhood.
the road in the way of military novels for some time, and this child of He can go up-stairs, from top to bottom; up the middle and down the regiment might coin. Couldn't you swagger a bit! Advertiseagain; carpet, wood, or stone, all one to him. He can ring a bell, sit ments, you know. "No noble Marquis's library complete without on his' haunches, and take his grub off a plate, dance a lively measure, 4 "The Dool and the Duchess : the Three Thousandth Edition just out.
The Dook and the Duchess." "New Novel by our own Cockalorum.” and fire a pistol.
"Now, Your Washup,” as I say to the Crown Cockalorum, "what Give your Orders, gents ; the Waiter's in the Room.” more can you want in a charger ?” He, the Crown C., asked me to
Cockalorum's New Work. Your attention to a Novel, if you point out to him the advantages.
please. Our Own Light-hearted Soldier will oblige." “Walk up, Hereditary Grand,” says I; “just a goin' to begin.
Just paste these about, will you ? and send me some stuff to go on Where's your Light-hearted Soldier occasionally quartered ? Where's
with. the home of this (gay Militaire when on the march? Where's the
It shall be done. But to return to our sheeps. stable for the careering Gee? Why, anywhere: if on a ground floor. But has Your Own ever been without a shelter for himself and his I don't care what it is. But Your Own is despondent. What with ambling? Neder. Why? Because the learned Gee, Sir, walks hard lines, over-work, and bad weather, this gay Militaire ain't quite that straight on end up-stairs to the attics, and there we are. He rings the Spring chicken he was at the beginning of the Campaign. Sometimes bell for what he wants. He is ready with his pistol against the Your Own wishes he was back in the little village, swaggering up the unfriendly Cockalorums; and, taking him for the whole biling, we steps of the "Rag" and ordering dinner for two with other lightsban't
look upon such a first-rate Gee as my ambling for some con- hearted Cockalorums. But it won't do. The last time this cheerful siderable time.” The Hereditary cleaned his eye at me, as the Lively Hussar was about that quarter his boots creaked a trifle too much to Unfriendly says, and smole. There are some tunes played by the be pleasant. Here he is a-coming!” said the lively Duns when military bands to which, when very strong in the brass, he can't help they heard the spotless varnished round the corner of Jermyn Street, dancing and waltzing. But I forgive him, considering the provoca- and they'd have been down on me like mud
out of a shovel. tion, and recollecting that it was probably a German Band that went Bombs bursting, shells flying, and the Hereditary just sent in to ask with his Circus in bappier times.
me to split a B. and S. with bim. I'm all there when the bell rings. We bear the Parisians are on the scoop: I say, what did Your And so, my Lord and Marquis, adoo, adoo !
Yours, Own tell you ? Warn't it the correct tip, eb, last week ? Don't say
DYNGWELL. no, if you'd rather not. “I'm all there when the bell rings,” says the Duchess. “You were right,” says SINGYMARINGY to me. “Or any other Cockalorum,” says 1, finishing the quotation; but I'm dead nuts "I have always a welcome for thee !” as the Spider said to the on prophecies, and if I'd only backed my own opinion, it isn't on a Blue bottie.
bands, and settling his hat, under the impression, apparently, that the THE BOOMPJE PAPERS.
Queen may be looking out of the window, and might be induced, by his
distinguished appearance, to ask him in (not us, of course, and certainly THE CLUB VISITS THE QUEEN OF HOLLAND.
not MAULLIE, except on sufferance in the character of any friend of yours, MONSIEUR Gooch, of course," &c.), perhaps to dinner.
“It doesn't look like sight-seeing time,” says MAULLIE. Even he is a little oppressed by the proximity to Royalty, and makes a concession to propriety by cramming his sketch-book into his pocket, and pulling his tie down under his coat, its tendency during a drive generally being to "ruck up" and obliterate his shirt-collar.
BUND bashfully produces black kid gloves, but as they have weathered several storms of rain, and the middle fingers are arranged on ventilating principles, this addition to his costume only induces Gooch to say, in a rapid under-tone, as we draw up at the portico, “Do put those things in your pocket, or you 'll look like a respectable begging-letter writer." He casts his eyes up to the front windows, to see if, by any chance, the Queen is looking : but no one is visible.
Jömp, in his Boomp-je hat and livery, unintelligible to the servants, commands instant respect : at first.
Two servants in gorgeous coats and knee-breeches, six foot high each of them, let down the steps, and open the door.
A bell is rung. Instantly we see the hall within lined on either side by tall servants, all in the same sort of costume, and standing bolt upright like theatrical nobles at a shilling a night in an opera chorus.
MUNTLEY in the rumble leans over and says, “Isn't it just as if they were going to say, Hail to the something or other,' eh?”
Gooch silences him with a frown. We are all seated in the carriage, not liking to get out, as no one is certain what may happen next, and there is among us a latent, undefined feeling that the Queen is coming to receive us.
“There's some mistake somewhere," murmurs BUND, who has got his gloves out again, as if the display of these would set right any misapprehension as to our being noblemen -"In disguise,” adds Gooch, looking first at MAULLIE's hat, then at Bund's gloves.
Jömp is wholly incompetent, and utterly flabbergasted by the situation. He stands helplessly by the steps, staring at the tall men in liveries, but has nothing to say. Another five minutes like this
would send Jömp to a lunatic asylum, where he'd be shown as the HAT's the time for seeing the Palace ?” asks the Com- "Idiot Courier" for the remainder of his life.
de mander-in-Chief and Paymaster Bund.
Two bells more. “Like on board a ship,” says the Commodore, "Four o'clock,” Jöme answers, “vill be the best time for to see the faintly, wishing he was at home with his violoncello. Palace.”
In answer to these two bells appear two footmen in more resplendent “ La Reine est-elle chez elle?." asks Gooch in his usual momentary liveries than the others, and about two inches taller. obliviousness of his native tongue, adding his translation: “The They walk down to the door, and take their places, as if by clockQueen, is she at home ?"
work arrangement or previous rehearsal, by the door. They don't Jömp believes that the QUEEN OF HOLLAND is at home. He has notice us, except by a glance, having evidentiy enough to do to attend been all the morning making inquiries, and the above represents the to their own deportment at the present juncture. result. Gooch thinks that, under such circumstances, "to call would Another bell, this time more distant, as if some way down a passage; be an intrusion.”. He empbasises "call,” as if ours was going to be a a slight delay, and then one grander and more gorgeous footman, a sort visit of friends who had been hospitably asked to come in a general way of Swiss from a cathedral, topping by an inch all the rest, walks slowly when they liked, and who had (as is invariably the case) taken advan- forward, and approaches our carriage. He waits by the steps, inviting tage of the invitation at the most inopportune moment,
us (in Dutch we fancy) to descend. The Swiss gracefully removes his * Pooh!” says BUND, fresh from Murray, "it's the regular thing hat. The two by the door having a second before put on their hats, to see.”
now politely, but stifly, take them off. We all take ours off, and MUNTLEY, Finton, and Gooch, the Opposition, object to it solely that part of the ceremony, whatever it means, is over. on the grounds that, being the regular thing, it is so British-touristy BUND addresses Jömp. : “Ask,” he says, "if the Queen is in, and and snobbish.
whether we can see the palace ?" MAULLIE, who has been spending his morning in two private collec- In such Dutch as he can manage, Jömp inquires as to Royalty tions which he found out for himself without JömP, votes for the Palace, being at home. The Giant looking down with some curiosity on with a view to probable pictures.
Jömp, does not comprehend the question at first. Then on Jömp The Commodore has the casting vote, the Opposition gives in, and trying it again, he grasps it. BUND, relying upon Murray, decides upon the visit of inspection. Yes, the Queen is at home. We will descend, of course.
“Not in that hat !” Gooch implores MAULLIE. "Not in that hat Now comes a tickligh' point. We have to explain that we want to -to the Palace !”
see-not the Queen, but the palace. The Swiss cannot understand. MAULLIE, who has something of the rigid obstinacy of the Puritan "The Queen is waiting to receive us,” he explains through JÖMP, who in him, combined with his taste for simplicity in dress, replies that he gives us a very vague translation. Finding that we don't move doesn't intend to change it until he comes to Brussels—when," he (" There 'll be a row," cries Gooch in despair, "and letters in the adds, “I will astonish you in my Sunday best. I have," continues Times about Cockney Tourists. Let's go back"), and being tired of Maullie, proudly, "an Opera hat."
standing with bis hat off (all the other lesser giants being fatigued too), "French ?” asks Gooch, anxiously, “silk, glossy, that you can wear he pulls a small door-bell, which is responded to by a little wizened in the day-time?"
man in black, like the shade of a departed butler. ("Good effect To which MAULLIE replies that Gooch will see. As MAULLIE gets among all the liveries,” says MAULLIE under his breath, making a into the carriage, I hear Gooch telling his friends, sotto voce, " Il a un mental note of it.) N.B. He has subsequently put the whole thing chapeau-he has a hat."
into a picture full of halls in perspective, grandly costumed nobles "You are sure,” asks Bund of Jömp, “that the Palace is open at with flambeaux in their hands, and a secretary in black. He calls it four?"
Reception of the Dutch Republican Ambassadors at the Court of the "Oyes," answers Jömp, expressing by his manner that he is utterly King of Spain. All our likenesses are there, and it has been on his astonished at BUND's doubting his accuracy even for a second. “O easel some considerable time. Everybody says it's a very fine picture, yes-um-um-um-it is open at four. O yes!”
but nobody has bought it, as yet.) We drive through an avenue-very pretty this and enter the court- The Butler's Ghost receives some information from the Chief Giant. yard of the Palace. A pair-borse carriage, and a Victoria, are waiting. He glides towards us along the carpeted hall noiselessly. He is at Some servants in Royal liveries are chatting with other servants (belong- our carriage-door. He salutes
BUND, fixing upon him instinctively as ing to the aforesaid carriages) at the door.
the Commander, and ignoring Jömp altogether. Some one's making a call,” observes Gooch, pulling up his wrist- Her Majesty,” he says, is within. Your Excellency-". We
look at one another. In an instant the Butler's Ghost sees a mistake peasants take off their hats to us (“They think we're the Queen, or somewhere., Bund takes the opportunity, and informs bim that we something," says Gooch, much pleased), and at last we reach the hotel
. wish to see the Palace.
“Vell,” says Jömp, perfectly satisfied with his arrangements, you The vision of greatness is dispelled. At a word from the Butler's l’ave seen the Palace." And so we have; and agree that we won't see Ghost, three of the Giants replace their chats on their heads super- another in the land of Boomp-je. ciliously, and disappear. After them disappear, in perfect order, and "Dere is not another,” says Jömp, which settles the matter at once. without any show of confusion, their batless but equally gorgeous brethren-in-livery. Then we are all alone with the Shade and one giant, the tallest. It is explained to us : this is the time for private
GLEN-(BATTLE)-FIELD STARCH. receptions. Not the time, oh, dear, no, for seeing the Palace." Up to four o'clock the Palace is open to sightseers, but after that closed. 'When you ask for Berlin, see that you get it, as another capital Everyone here knows that. Jömp wishes to make a personal explana- may be substituted as the capture." Mutatis mutandis, most readers tion, but is called to order, and stands by the carriage-door, dis- will recollect something like this as a perpetual advertisement. Mr. comfited.
Punch has been amused to see the proprietor of the article advertised Butler's Ghost declares that, the Queen being at home, sight-seeing has actually issued a War Map (really a pretty little one), and where is impossible—utierly out of the question. BUND puts it to him that we the title should be is the above recommendation, in its original form. are going very early to-morrow, that he (BUND) has only to call on bis The appropriateness of Starch on a battle-field was not clear to Mr. friend the Ambassador that moment, and he would return (in effect) Punch until he remembered that, by taking the slightest liberty with with orders to see every room in the Palace, from the attics to, the SIR WALTER SCOTT (a thing that beautifully tempered man would have cellar. That he (BUND) and party are most distinguished people, smiled at), Starch-scientifically called Amidon, might be introduced representing Literature, Science, and Art (Science being, perhaps, nobly. Remember the end of Bannockburn, in the Lord of the Isles :MUNTLEY and Finton in the rumble, who have been hitherto taken
“ Each heart had caught the patriot spark, for our valets), and that, to sum up, if the Butler's Ghost will only
Old man and stripling, priest and clerk, break through rules, and show the Palace, the Butler's Ghost 'shall
Bondsman and serf; even female hand find that we will make it well worth his while ;” and therewith BUND,
Stretched to the hatchet or the brand; having craftily got a large coin of the realm out of his waistcoat pocket,
But, when mute AMIDON they heard presses it upon the little man's acceptance, much to Gooch's) horror,
Give to their zeal his signal word,
A frenzy fired the throng
[N.B. We expect to have all our collars starched gratis, henceforth,
He shows us through the rooms hurriedly, and as quickly as pos- The inhabitants of “Silly Suffolk” will deserve to have their
“ BEGGARS AND VAGRANTS.-NOTICE.—Wherever begging and vagrancy Clowns, and he's the Pantaloon.
are greatly on the increase in this county, and indiscriminate almagiving is We enter a drawing-room beautifully and curiously furnished with believed to be the main cause of this evil, the public are strongly urged to Japanese hangings and coverings. Jömp, who follows in our wake, know nothing; but are requested to hand such persons over to a policeman or
abstain from giving to beggars or vagrants, of whose circumstances they can and who has been rather snuffed out by our wizened little cicerone parish constable, who, after due inquiry, will either take them before a here explains to us that “ Dese come from Japan,” but on receiving a Magistrate, or see that they are temporarily relieved in a proper manner.” severe reproving look from the Butler's Ghost, he retires into himself (he can't go very far, I should say, on such a journey), and is satisfied Idleness, say the copy-books, is the root of evil: and indiscriminate with corroborating with gloomy nods the various points of our cice- almsgiving very greatly aids the growth and cultivation of this noxious rone's information.
root. As one of the best cultured of our agricultural counties, Suffolk "Hush !” says the little man, suddenly stooping down, and looking has no ground to spare for such a kind of root-crop. Beggars who through a keyhole.
encumber the land whereon they live should be hoed out, or be toed
The Worst Gang Going.
IF e'er there was gang
That deserves to go hang,
In France's débácle of fate,
'Tis tbe Paris Press-Gang, who has again satisfied himself through the keyhole, we proceed
That scream slander and slang,
And lie, with the foe at the gate !
At Ryde, the other day, in a speech on behalf of the City Mission, a very large place and only used on State occasions, we, as it were, show a population in London of nearly four millions, a Serious proporbreathe again. The breathing time is very short, however, and we are once more that, in his opinion, unless something were done to improve them, the
tion of whom were in a state of social and moral degradation so great hurried along a passage, then a corridor, where more pictures are explained to us, in a sort of patter-song, as fast as ever it can be given, by British Constitution would not be worth a quarter of a century's purThe Butler's Ghost, who, evidently very much to his own satisfaction,
chase.” Goodness gracious! Who ever expected to hear such a brings us out on a landing which leads by the back stairs and servants' statement concerning "serious” people from the Earl OF SHAftesoffices to the front hall, and so we are smuggled ignominiously out of BURY ? the building, and into our carriage. Here we resume our dignity, and largesse is bestowed by Jömp (on
"HERE (MAY) BE TRUTHS." our bebalf, but we ignore the process, as not dealing in such dirty ONE change in the French Ministry will be approved by all. As matters) upon our Guide and the tall Swiss.
Director of Telegraphs we have M. STEINWACKERS, vice M. TELLThen we are driven through some lovely avenues, where all the WHACKERS.
COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS." “ FOUR SHILLINS FOR A CHAIR LIKE THIS! Way, I SOLD THE FELLOW TO IT THIS VERY MORNING TO A POOR LABOURING MAN, AND I LET ’IM 'AVE IT FOR SIX-AND-SIXPENCE, AND THAT WAS ONLY 'cos HE 'AD TO WORK FOR HIS LIVIN'!”
“ SO HAVE I GOT TO WORK FOR MY LIVING !”
or if it can't, no matter. Think of the mothers and babies crouching HOW WE TALKED ABOUT THE WAR.
in the cellars of Strasbourg, to be out of the way of shells, and perhaps
other mothers rashing down among them with babies killed in their SCENE-Garden of SIR John's charming Country House.
arms! TIME-After Breakfast.
Mr. Theydon. Don't make yourself ill again, dear. Perhaps no such PERSONS—Men sitting about, with newspapers, and smoking. Ladies thing has happened. If it has, it can't be helped.
Mrs. Theydon. Don't talk in that way, CHARLES. You don't mean it. moving about, occasionally picking flowers, or coming up to put in a You were nearly killed yourself the other day in saving the child that word.
fell down crossing the street, among the horses. Sir John. Bother maps and telegrams! I won't read any more until Mr. Theydon. Well, don't throw my folly in my face. If I had been the Germans are before Paris.
killed I wonder what you 'd have said about saving a ragged brat that The Colonel. Wish we had a Von MOLTKE, though.
was nothing to me, while I had children of my own at home. And I Lady Jane. I don't. You men are longing to be in war as it is, and should have deserved it, too. if you had a General like that, you would drive him into the field Mrs. Theydon. That has nothing to do with the War. directly.
Sir John. I honour your honesty, MRS. THEYDON. You are too Mrs. Theydon. It is dreadful to hear the calm way in which such sincere to say that you would not have thought he had done an horrors are spoken of. Like Sir John, I will read no more of them. uncalled-for thing. When I came on the story of that town in which the women and Mrs. Theydon. Ah! you shan't get me away from Strasbourg. I children were burned alive, I was made quite ill. Was it the fault of repeat that it is a wickedness. those poor things that the doctors were fired at ?
Captain Dersingham. Here, I say! My paper 's a second edition. Sir John. It is War, and that's all that can be said.
There's been an affair at another place-new name to me-French Lady Jane. Yes, you say that and then think you are absolved, and beaten no end, and tumbled over in heaps. Those Germans are going it. may enjoy the war letters as if they were a novel.
Lady Mary. Hear that man! He carried a wounded beater on his Sir John. What can we do, my dear lady ?
back two miles in a burning sun, last Tuesday. Lady Jane. At least you might protest, with one heart and one Captain Dersingham. It was nothing like two miles, Lady MARY, voice, against the wickedness of War.
I assure you, and the lad was lighter than you. Captain Lynne. Yes, and then see that our gun-boats are ready to Lady Mary. I know better, and you ought not to speak of the smash up the Pigtails, the next time they object to our sending 'om French as if they were partridges. Is it a new horror ? opium.
Captain Dersingham. No, not much about a thousand killed and Miss Cookham. That's quite different, the Chinese are heathens and wounded-stop that was only the first of it-fighting resumed in the savages-these Germans and French are civilised Christians.
afternoon, and lasted till dusk-there must have been some hot work. The Colonel. Strasbourg Cathedral is a proof and monument of that. Lady Jane. It is dreadful. That is the thirteenth battle in one Mrs. Theydon. Fuss about a Cathedral, that can be built over again ; month, while we have been at croquet and organising pic-nics, and