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CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.
INGENUAS DIDICISSE FIDELITER ARTES, &c., &c.—Nursemaid. “The PERSPECTIVE OF THE Chiaroscuro 19 DIVINE, AUGUSTUS. But, Ou ! The Impasto, IS IT NOT A

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CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

SWEETNESS AND LIGHT.-Coster. “ANY SPARROWG— I BEG PARDON-ASPARAGUS, COOK ?” HISTORICAL. -The Non-Jurors were persons who, on ac OVERLANDISH.-By what route the Mother of a Family A WORD OF CHEER. – Would you keep out of trouble ? count of age and some other disability, were excused from should go to India cannot for a moment be a matter of Then persevere in active industry. Put your shoulder to serving on juries. doubt-Ma Sails, of course!

the wheel, and you will never have to set your feet on it.

HINTS TO TOURISTS. If you are put with a friend in a doublebedded room, bear in mind that inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and in splashing, and in stumping round your room.

Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their language, accompany your gift with a little stagy speech to the effect that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.

HOUSEHOLD RECIPES. To Destroy Black Beetles.-Turn a pack of fox-bounds into the kitchen.

To Cure Smoky Chimneys.-Discontinue fires,

To get Rid of Ghosts.-Use disinfecting fluid copiously.

To Expel Dry-Rot.Soak the places affected with the finest dry sherry.

To get the Servants up early in the Morning.-Send them to bed early at night.

To Revive the Fire. -Tie up the frontdoor knocker in a white kid glove.

To prevent the Beer going too fast.-
Possess the key to the mystery:

To avoid Draughts.- Don't take any.
To destroy Moth8.- Collect butterflies.

How to keep Plate clean.-Wrapped up in silver paper.

How to dispose of Old Newspapers.-Put them into the brown study.

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PRIZE CONUNDRUM.
My First is my second,

My Second's my first;
My Third's my best reckond,

My Fourth is my worst.
My Whole is a Something, but what I

can't tell,
Because if I did, why then you'd know

A CAROL BY A CYNIC.
O REST you, merry gentlemen,

Let nothing you dismay ;
But mind you have your purses full,

Your Christmas bills to pay.
Aud mind you do not feast too much

On jovial Christmas cheer :
Or else of gout you 'll get a touch,

To gladden the New Year.

as well.

* Answer next year.

AN OUT IN AUGUST.
The barvest's housed; the farmers

dance; the millers shout“Hooray!The bakers an excursion take, and go to

Alum Bay.

MUSING FOR THE MONTH.-In August remember the Grotto when you are out of Town, and be thankful that you have no gutter-children getting in your way. He that ate the first Oyster was hungry ; the Eaw pays, bold. But to beard the lion in his den is one thing; the oyster in his shell, another.

I like to read epigrams against us women, " said MRS. CLEVER. "When a culprit clanks his chains you know that they are on him."

STRAY PARENTS.- Lost children are to be found in most large cities, but in Paris there are also lost fathers (English) for wbom a place seems to be specially provided, called the Salle des Pas perdus.

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HUSBANDS are always thinking about money. Wives never ask for it at all. They are quite content with a cheque, dear bumble things.

THE LILY OF THE"VALET.”—The flower in your

“man's" coat. ALLUDING to chignons, MRS. CLEVER said, "A girl, now, seems all head?” " Yes, till you talk to her," replied MR. CLEVER

AT THE “ ZOO."
Languid Swell, CURASSOW IS IT?-BAAI JOVE !—THEN I S'POSE THE OTHER 'S THE-AW-

Maraschino !"

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OUR HOLIDAYS.
Youngest Daughter. (Didn't they have fun in Switzerland this year!) OH ! FLORY, EMILY, 'MA! HERE'S ONE OF THOSE DEAR ARTISTS SKETCHING ON THE `PLACE.' LET'S GO AND LOOK

OVER HIM, AND SEE WHAT HE'S DOING !".

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THE PLIGHTED ONE.

You ask me if I love you,

And I cannot answer, “Yes!" Tho' there's none I hold above you,

And my heart's in sore distress. There are words one cannot utter,

And a "yes" is one of those ? Yet it is not that I stutter,

Or speak slightly through the nose. I can vow that I adore you,

With my truest, fondest breath; But the lisp you 've heard before, you

Will allow, can say but “Yeth "

AN IDYLL.
In the month of January.
First I met my darling MARY.
In the month of I'cbru-erry,
Then I met her down in Derry.
Once again in month of March,
Met her at the Marble Arch.
Met her in the month of April,
Gone to Bangor to escape Rhyl.
Met her once again in May,
Sitting calmly at the play.
Met her yet,

once more in June,
Where the Park-band plays a tune.
Then I met her in July,
Richmond Hill, and no one by.
Met her yet once more in August,
When it blew a nasty raw gust.
Did I meet her in September?
Did 1 ?-well, I don't remember.
Then I met her in October,
Spoke to her in sadness gober.

No" comes natural in November,
Quenched was Cupid's Alick'ring ember.
Never met again. December
Of a Club I'm now a member.

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BROWN came home with a black eye. To his wife's inquiries he replied, that, having asked himself a question, he received such a saucy answer that he had been obliged to rescnt it. His wife did not believe him, and got a new dress that week,

What Next!-The ingenuity of our great agricultural implement makers is extraordinary. One of them has lately invented a machine for sowing wild oats, which is expected to have an immense sale.

MEDIÆVAL PAINTING ON VELLUM, JULIA, aged 50, rouged.

A BARBEL has more brains than a booby who dyes his beard. The fool does, the fish doesn't.

ZOOLOGICAL.- A story that lays hold of you. A prehensile tail.

THE MOST DETESTABLE OF THE MORNING CALLS. -" Hot Water, Sir!"

No OFFENCE. -As a rule crime is to be discouraged, but a comic writer should do his utmost to provoke man's laughter.

WHEN a vulgar husband drops his H's, a good wife drops her eyes,

THE ANGLE OF INCIDENCE. When you 're fishing, and tumble into the water.

NIGHT AND DAY.-Our bill-sticker is so devoted to his profession that he always sleeps in a four-poster.

A BAND OF HOPE. – A Submarino Cable.

NOTICE TO THE TRUSTEES. - In the Department of Natural History at the British Museum there is a serious deficiency. There are nests of all sorts and fizes, birds' nests, wasps' nests, &c.; but not a single specimen of a mare's nest. This is a great disappointment to country visitors.

To PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.- If you teach children Natural History in the Zoological Gardens, teach it to them correctly. For exaniple : you should impress on their youthful minds that the bears climbing up for buns in the pit are Polar Bears.

AN EARLY LUXURY.-The Celts were much farther advanced in civilisation than is commonly supposed. They in. vented Celtzer water.

How TO KNOW THEM. - As a rule Bankers' Clerks may be distinguished by their wearing trousers with checks.

" THE NEW BATH GUIDE."-A Pamphlet on the Turkish system.

A TICKLISH POSITION.-Standing upon Trifles.

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BUT IT WAS ONLY LITTLE TYMPNEY MAKING UP HIS ACCOUNTS, AND CALOULATING IF HE 'D

ENOUGH MONEY TO TAKE HD BACK TO BEDFORD Row 1

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THE LATE GALES, 1869. STEMPER AND VIRNISH ON THE YORKSHIRE COAST. THEY WORKED ALL THROUGH THE STORMY WEATHER. HERE'S STEMPER TRYING TO FIND A SMALL WATER-COLOUR DRAWING

AND A SABLE BRUSH, OUT OF ABOUT HALF AN ACRE OF SEA-SUDS !

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