CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. INGENUAS DIDICISSE FIDELITER ARTES, &c., &c.-Nursemaid. "THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE Chiaroscuro Is DIVINE, AUGUSTUS. BUT, OH! THE Impasto, IS IT NOT A leetle Too Pizzicato?" HINTS TO TOURISTS. IF you are put with a friend in a doublebedded room, bear in mind that inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and in splashing, and in stumping round your room. Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their language, accompany your gift with a little stagy speech to the effect that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself. MUSING FOR THE MONTH.-In August remember the Grotto when you are out of Town, and be thankful that you have no gutter-children getting in your way. He that ate the first Oyster was hungry; the saw says, bold. But to beard the lion in his den is one thing; the oyster in his shell, another. "I LIKE to read epigrams against us women," said MRS. CLEVER. "When a culprit clanks his chains you know that they are on him." STRAY PARENTS.-Lost children are to be found in most large cities, but in Paris there are also lost fathers (English) for whom a place seems to be specially provided, called the Salle des Pas perdus OVERLANDISH.-By what route the Mother of a Family should go to India cannot for a moment be a matter of doubt-Ma Sails, of course! AT THE "ZOO." A WORD OF CHEER.-Would you keep out of trouble? Then persevere in active industry. Put your shoulder to the wheel, and you will never have to set your feet on it. Maraschino !" HOUSEHOLD RECIPES. To Destroy Black Beetles.-Turn a pack of fox-hounds into the kitchen. To Cure Smoky Chimneys.-Discontinue fires. To get Rid of Ghosts.-Use disinfecting fluid copiously. To Expel Dry-Rot.-Soak the places affected with the finest dry sherry. To get the Servants up early in the Morning.-Send them to bed early at night. To Revive the Fire.-Tie up the frontdoor knocker in a white kid glove. To prevent the Beer going too Fast.Possess the key to the mystery. To avoid Draughts.-Don't take any. To destroy Moths.-Collect butterflies. How to keep Plate clean.-Wrapped up in silver paper. How to dispose of Old Newspapers.-Put them into the brown study. A CAROL BY A CYNIC. O REST you, merry gentlemen, But mind you have your purses full, And mind you do not feast too much Or else of gout you'll get a touch, AN OUT IN AUGUST. THE harvest's housed; the farmers dance; the millers shout "Hooray!" The bakers an excursion take, and go to Alum Bay. HUSBANDS are always thinking about money. Wives never ask for it at all. They are quite content with a cheque, dear bumble things. THE LILY OF THE "VALET."-The flower in your "man's" coat. ALLUDING to chignons, MRS. CLEVER said, "A girl, now, seems all head?" "Yes, till you talk to her," replied MR. CLEVER. To PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.-If you teach children Natural History in the Zoological Gardens, teach it to them correctly. For example: you should impress on their youthful minds that the bears climbing up for buns in the pit are Polar Bears, AN EARLY LUXURY.-The Celts were much farther advanced in civilisation than is commonly supposed. They invented Celtzer water. HOW TO KNOW THEM.-As a rule Bankers' Clerks may be distinguished by their wearing trousers with checks. "THE NEW BATH GUIDE."-A Pamphlet on the Turkish system. A TICKLISH POSITION.-Standing upon Trifles. |