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INSTRUMEN

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CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. NEW CHAMBER OF HORRORS AT MADAME TUSSAU D'S. (The Right Man in the Right Place).-—“DON'T BE AFRAID, YOU LITTLE GOOSE! IT'S ONLY WAX-WORK! Way, I

RECOLLECT WHEN PEOPLE LIKE TAAT WERE ALLOWED TO GO LOOSE ABOUT THE STREETS!" ALWAYS THE SEASON.—There is one out-door amusement METEOROLOGICAL.-How to find the Direction of the Wind.

EMPLOYMENT OF Women. -A Young Lady is articled to a in our variable climate which may be pursued all the year Ask the Postman.

Solicitor, and set to Engross a Deed. She fills both sides of round, wet or dry-House-bunting.

The wretch who can stand in a pair of slippers worked

the parchment with writing, and then crosses it. If a man says to you, “By the way, how do you Spell for him by his wife, and scold her, is a brute who deserves Why is Salmon like a Sermon ?-Because you are always your name?" he usually means, “What the juice is it?" to have the gout in both feet.

glad when it's quite done, and you may cut away..

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WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR

1870. January will be fine and bright, in fact quite a second summer, unless there should be a succession of storms of either wind, rain, or snow, or all three accompanied by intense cold. But this will make no positive alteration in the month itself.

February will be lovely. If it is not, write to our Office; any complaint shall meet with instant attention.

March, April, May - Prognos. tications for these three months give us most favourable expectations. Our readers will carefully notice for themselves in a pocketbook (say the most convenient form, Punch's Pocket Book) the changes of temperature, and we sball bave great pleasure in comparing the notes so made with our own above-mentioned prognostications.

The same plan to be pursued with the other months.

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE

GREAT. JEREMY BENTHAM invariably fainted at the sight of a Veterinary Surgeon in evening costume. COBBETT could not sit in the room with a French Milliner, nor LADY JANE GREY with a Distributor of Stamps. ARCHBISHOP TILLOTSON asked every stranger to whom he was introduced whether he had any relations in the Excise; if the answer was in the affirmative, the Prelate gazed at his chaplain, and instantly went out fishing : the cause of this singular antipathy has never been satisfactorily explained. KIRKE WHITE would go a mile out of his road to avoid meeting a waggon of hay. SHERIDAN turned pale at the sight of a corkscrew.

SCHOLASTIC.

- We

know naughty little boy who, having beard it said that "history repeats itsell," pleaded this as an excuse for his declining to attempt the repetition of a page or two of PINNOCK.

CACTION FOR COLLEGIANS. Oxford and Cambridge cultivate athletic sports.

May the flower of the Universities not get plucked !

The wretch who refuses to take bis wife to the theatre, deserves to be made to sit out a play.

While winding up your watch at night, think of the good acts you have done that day You will 1.

ind.

HORTICULTURAL.-An old song makes mention of a garden of delights, under the name of Cupid's Garden."

In Cupid's Garden, choose single flowers; and beware of widows' weeds.

It is idiotic to tell a real dream. But it is convenient to invent one if you want to annoy any. body, as nobody has a right to be offended at a dream, and nobody can prove that

you

didn't have it.

RAILWAYS are Aristocrats. They teach every man to know his own Station, and to stop there.

IMPROVED FROM THE LAUREATE. -“ Better half a cab in England than a by-Cycle in Cathay.'

A WARNING TO WAGs.-Respect my intellect, and don't tell me that the River Plate flows with gravy.

“AULD EDINBRO'!"
Saxon Traveller. “This is TOO BAD, WAITER! I TOLD YOU WE WANTED TO GO BY THE 9:30 TRAIN, AND
HERE'S BREAKFAST NOT READY !”

Celtic Waiter. “A WEEL, SIR, FACIS, THE COOK Tar's A GLESS!"

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CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.
A FRIEND IN NEED.--"DID YOU RIND, DUCHESS ?" “YES, THOMAS. HAVE YOU SUCH A Thing AS AN ENGLISH DICTIONARY ?” “WELL, No-I FIND I DON'T

REQUIRE ONE. But-A-WHAT PARTICULAR WORD MAY YOUR GRACE HAPPEN TO WANT ?"
NATURE AND ART.
VERY VULGAR SELL.

DARBY TO JOAN.
DISPENSINO with each artificial charm,
"You ought not to come to our dance in boots with nails

DRINK to me only with thine eyes, Still to delight mankind may Beauty hope ; in 'em.”

If thou, my love, should'st bilious be : Yet who could hear without profound alarm “I haven't."

Not only will 't approve thee wise,
That boastful Beauty had dispensed with soap? “Then you've had your toes cut off.”

But it will leave more wine for me.
NURSERY GROUNDS.—The Parks.

TAE “TAP” Root.-Barley.

THE BATHERS' PARADISE. —The Mendip Hills.

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RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC. FIRST the Sun enters ARIES. Well

he may,

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Because that Ram was never fed

on hay. Now Sol's in TAURUS. Up go

shares and stocks. Brave Bulls ! JOHN BULL sball

ne'er become John Ox.
O GEMINI ! Twins, you have

Phoebus got.
Ye Dioscuri-don't you find it

hot ?
Where art thou now, Apollo ?

List his answer. “ Ha ha! I'm clutched, bere, by

the Sky-crab, CANCER. LEO, thy sign, in British speech

the Lion, At this timó entertaineth Hy

perion. Cynthius with Virgo for a while

doth tarry; Flirts with the girl he doesn't

mean to marry.

RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC.
SCORPIO bim now receives who

Python slew.
He killed a snake-won't kill a

scorpion too.
In LIBRA while the rays of Pythius

gleam, He causes neither scale to kick

the beam. Goat CAPRICORNUS holds the

source of light;
Let Taffy twang his harp on

Snowdon's height.
Lo! Delius doth with SAGIT-

TARIUS dwell :
Remember Robin Hood, and

William Tell.
AQUABITS offers Titan's steeds

the can:
Tom Tug was quite another

Waterman. 'Tween Pisces, lastly, Day's light

chariot rolls : The Sun will never fry his Pair of

Soles.

6. Two HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE."—This is absurd, and practically inconvenient. Reduce this proverb to utility. By ap. proximation, thus: What is the next thing to a head? A hat. If then we cannot have beads, let's have the next thing to it, and we obtain the result "Two Huts are better than one.'

SAYING FOR THE GEOGRAPHICAL SOCIETY.-There is an island whose name is a negativeUshant.

Tue BACHELOR'S TOAST.-Large fortunes and small waists!

A BUILDING SOCIETY.-A Bee. hive.

JUVENILE INTELLIGENCE.-Athletic sports are all the rage now in our nursery, and MASTER TOMMY, aged six, is about to start a newspaper in order to report them. We believe he means to christen it"The Skipping Gazette."

A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT.-A young visitor from the Havannah naturally expected a fine cigar when he was told of the Tower “ REGALIA."

A SUITABLE APPOINTMENT.If the right man were always in the right place, the Chaplain-General to the Army would be the "Dean of Battle."

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT !
Mother" (at South Kensington). “EXECUTED IN TUT-T-T-T! LAUK A MUSSY, 'LIZA! WHAT DID THEM

FOREIGNERS WANT TO 'ANG THAT POOR INNOCENT-LOOKIN' YOUNG CREETUR' FOR I !?"

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“ FINE ART,” 1869. Rural Connoisseur. “He's a P'INTIN' Two PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D'YER SEE? 'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB THROUGH, THE BEST! HINTS TO TOURISTS.

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE GREAT, When you are late for dinner at a table

FREDERICK THE GREAT had three pard'hote, be sure you make your entry with

ticular dislikes - pease-pudding, a bluo all the noise you can, in order to disturb

pocket-handkerchief with yellow spots, more punctual people. Growl and grum

and bell-ropos. SIR ISAAC NEWTON never ble savagely if your soup be getting cold,

crossed the threshold of a house in which or if, when helped to chicken, you only

white mice were kept. BURKE secreted find the drumstick. The fault, of course,

himself in the adjoining mews if parsnips will have been in a chief degree your

appeared on the dinner-table, having a own, and the dinner perhaps better than

rooted aversion to this esculent. QUEEN you get at your own table.

ANNE became hysterical at the slightest should never lose a chance of making a

allusion to a toasting-fork. CARDINAL complaint, that your neighbours may

WOLSEY shivered all over whonever ho imagine you are some one of importance.

passed a brush-maker's shop. The scent Il you have been educated in a public

of Russia leather threw MĀRY, Queen of school, and know nothing of languages,

Scots, into a tertiau ague. If a naval except a few Greek paradigms and Latin

officer placed a German fute on the sidenonsense verses, never bore yourself by

board, GRIMALDI immediately left town trying to pick up French or German.

for Brighton; and to this day thousands Talk English on the Continent with a

of persons go into a passion at the sound slightly foreign accent, which, you know,

of a street-organ. is certain to make it more intelligible. When people cannot understand you, raise your voice as though you fancied

TO EDITORS AND COMMENTATORS. they were deaf, and vent some Saxon ex

It is generally supposed that there is pletive upon them for their ignorance.

no mention of tobacco in SHAKSPEARE,

But can any one doubt to what he is The Telegraph, which is to be univer

referring when he says (in one of his

sonnets) sal, is difficult of explanation to some ladies. Perbaps this way is the best.

“And keep invention in a noted weed ?” “You know that if you rub a piece of

Surely be must mean improvements in sealing-wax hard, it will take up little

the manufacture of cigars. bits of paper." “Yes." “Well, extend the principle, and you will see how letters are conveyed by electricity."

SAYINGS AND PROVERBS. “THERE are cimes," said the pensive

Not for Josephus !" as that worthy ALPHONSO, “at which I am quite inca

historian observed playfully, when some pable of writing poetry.” “Ah," said the

funny Jews attempted to cram him with

stories for his own work. cynical Bill, "those, then, are the times at which you write verse.'

I'll have your Hat!" as the ambitious

Monk said sotto voce to the Cardinal, FACT

FOR FOREIGNERS.–Stonehenge is not in Flintshire. Hech ! no, nor yet in Peebles.

ROBINSON says that he cannot express AN ASININE SAW.-" In for a penny,

in words the pity he feels for the man in for a pound"-as the donkey said

who does not drink his best wine, but when he went astray.

keeps it for his friends. ROBINSON forJONES reads and yawns. So best. 'Tis

gives a woman for being such a slave to not polite.

her drawing-room that she is afraid to But we should do the same if JONES

use it, but a man should not be in awe of

his cellar. should-write.

PROOF POSITIVE.

COMPANION SION TO THE

" WELAN WHILE mąn talks of revising the Marriage Service, practical woman has done Old Lady. DO THEY SELL GOOD 'SPERRITS' AT THIS 'OUSE, MISTER ?

HARP,"-The “Scotch Fiddle." it, en blnc. You are married by your 'Spectable-looking Man (Bul-). "Mos' D'SCHID'LY, LOOK 'T (UIC) ME, MAD'N-FOR “SOUND DUES."-Fees to Opera box. banker's book. SHBV'N P'NIH A'PENNYI"

keepers.

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MRS. JINGLETON, LEARNING THAT YOUNG MʻSKIRLYGY (FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN Town, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE OF

HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL 'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING. -HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS INSTRUMENT WAS !

NOTE ON THE VEMBER, -The Show may be geous specta. gorgeous is the Banquet.

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