PENNY TRAINS AND PASSENGERS.

Enter WILLIAM PUTTY and JAMES FILER, meeting. James. Why BILL, old feller, 'ow ar yer? I ain't a sin yer since I don't know when.

William. Well, no, yer see, JIM, now I lives out o' Town. Them 'ouses where my crib was 'ad to come down for the new Railway; I was forced to cut and run. Couldn't get ne'er another place in the neighbourhood but wot was too high; nothin' nigher than six mile off. So then I beat a retreat into the subbubs.

James. And now, I s'pose, comes up by rail?

William. No; 'tis too fur; can't afford the train. Walks up to my work six mile and six mile back, twelve mile every blessed day. James. All that blessed way before and arter your work! yer feel it blessed fatiguin'? William. Don't I just!

Don't

James. Warn't there a talk of petitionin' Guv'ment for cheap workin' men's trains ?

William. A penny a ride of ten mile within certain hours. Yes; there was a deppitation about it to JOHN BRIGHT at the Board o' Trade. James. What did he say?

William. Seemed to say he thought the Railway Companies would be agreeable, providin' we'd agree for our families, in case of any on us getting killed on the journey, not to demand more compensation than a hundred pound a head.

James. By that arrangement the Companies seems to reckon that a good many of us would be smashed. And BRIGHT in course must think so too. Well; no doubt but what compensation for killed and wounded at the present rates allowed by juries would be 'eavy? But what would any charge for compensation signify if there warn't no accidents to compensate? There never wouldn't be none if they'd only take proper care.

William. Ah, but then they're afeared the expense o' doin' that would be as bad, if not wus. "Twouldn't pay.

James. Is that JOHN BRIGHT's opinion too?

William. Well; seemingly. Howsomedever, he says as how he believes " no Company has an accident arisin' from what may be termed intentional neglect."

James. No; and I should say e'er a company as did 'ave sitch a accident if fatal ought to be hanged.

William. Intentional neglect sart'nly's a rum ixpression. How can neglect ever be intentional?

James. When you knows precious well wot you ought to do, and, with your eyes wide open to the consequences, as is like to 'appen, neglects doin' of it.

William. If Friend BRIGHT means to say no Railway Companies never does that, Friend BRIGHT can't never have read no inquests on Railway massacrees.

James. Unintentional neglect we understands. When a overworked and underpaid unable pintsman or signalman, for instance, makes a blunder, or hingineer loses 'is 'ead.

William. And if anybody's killed through the mistake-that's found manslaughter.

James. By Crowner's quest law.

William. Whether unintentional neglect is manslaughter or no, wot's intentional neglect? Neglectin' safety of human life to cut down expense o' wages?

James. Malice prepense.

William. Well, and wot ought to be the werdict upon workin' men killed by riskin their lives in a intentionally neglected cheap train ? Feller de se.' James.

William. Anyhow "Temporary Insanity."

James. Wot we wants is trains that's intentionally made as safe as ever they can be.

William. At a penny a mile.

James. To make up for the illconvenience the Railways has put us to. William. That's it. That is wot we wants Friend BRIGHT to manage for us.

James. Then he 'll be a Friend, indeed.
William. And no mistake. Got a light?
James. Here.

[Kindle their pipes and exeunt smoking.

A RITUALIST REDOUBT. ACCORDING to the John Bull," an ordinary meeting" of the English Church Union took place the other day at the Freemasons' Tavern. The lodge, however, of the English Church Unionists, was not tiled; for the John Bull reports their proceedings, and the speeches made by some of them, with reference to the late ritual judgments in the Court of Arches. Notwithstanding these, in moving a resolution

"The REV. SIR H. BAKER.. said that... he had not yet given up altar-lights.. He regretted exceedingly the decision as to the north side

of the altar."

The north side of the altar appears to be a position of great importance to the Ritualist Division. Though pronounced untenable, it has not been evacuated. Another reverend speaker, the REV. R. T. WEST, observed that

"He should like to see the position of the priest at the altar tried again, and he certainly should not give up the north side at present. He thought the Union would be prepared to try the question of the north side again, but nobody had any faith in the integrity of the Judicial Committee, and their judgment would not be regarded as binding by any body."

So MR. WEST still holds the north side of the altar. But how this post is to be defended, the occupants of it have hardly determined. Would a Moncrieff Battery answer their purpose? Or would an ironclad stationed north of the side of the fortress attacked be more appropriate? Perhaps; for MR. WEST spoke rather as a sailor than a soldier of the Church Militant, in saying:

"He was almost determined to adopt the altar-lights again, but should not do anything without consulting his brethren; for he believed in a long pull, a strong pull, and a pull all together.'"

This may, indeed, be supposed to be an article in every seaman's belief, although there is no such clause contained in any other creed. It is, however, at any rate clear that these Church Unionists mean fighting:

"The REV. C. J. LE GEYT was glad that no immediate action was intended."

This declaration is warlike, if Fabian. They do contemplate going into action then, by-and-by. With what enemy? Apparently the body named by MR. WEST, when he said :

"It was greatly to be regretted that MR. PURCHAS had dragged them through the mire as he had done; for he thought that if they had been quiet and unobtrusive in their services, they would never have been troubled by the Church Association."

Hence it seems that the Church Association is the foe by whom the north side of the altar is threatened-thanks to the too loudly demonstrative proceedings of MR. PURCHAS. The Church Union would not have brought the Church Association down upon themselves "if they had been quiet and unobtrusive in their services." There is, doubtless, some sense in that observation, and not a little in another :

"MR. DONALDSON personally thought that the north side was one of their weakest points."

It is not perhaps too much to say, that these two remarks comprise everything sensible which was uttered by the united Ritualists at the Freemasons' Tavern. The north side of the altar is doubtless one of the weakest of the many weak points held by the Ritualists. Their enemies will be all delighted to see them waste their time and labour in the endeavour to strengthen it. Whilst they are busily and bravely engaged in trying to maintain the north side of the altar, they may have the whole Church knocked about their ears. A Church, comprising a Church Union and a Church Association at war with each other, cannot be seriously said to be very unlike a house divided against itself. In the meantime Papists and Dissenters smiling, remark that there is nothing like Unity in the Church.

FOOD FOR FAITH.

FROM a contemporary's Own Correspondent we learn that, at the Roman Council :

"The assemblies of the 10th and 14th were devoted to the modification of the catechism-' De novo et uniformi Catechismo edendo."

DR. CUMMING is respectfully informed that the Council intends this Catechism to be published, not to be eaten, except in so far as its contents are meant to be metaphorically swallowed by those who will have to digest them as best they may. It may be possible, however, but is hardly probable, that the Council, about to edit a new Catechism, will eat some of their hard words contained in the old one.

EPITAPH ON A FENIAN MARTYR.

SISTE, Viator :

Here lies a Traitor.

RAILWAY LIMB INSURANCE.

IT is to be hoped (that the necessity of united action, according to the maxim that when rogues combine honest men should unite-to defeat their schemes-will be suggested by the following extract from the Observer:

"We are informed that a strong combination has been formed among the Directors of some of the leading Railway Companies for the purpose of introducing a Bill into Parliament in the present session on the subject of compensation for accidents. It is proposed to limit the sum to be paid in cases of loss or personal injury, but to give to passengers the right of insuring with the companies for larger amounts for a moderate premium."

accidents are high. But what can that signify if no accidents occur? The rates of compensation for death or injury sustained from railway The expense of taking care they shall not. That, we are afraid, is what the Directors, who want Parliament to limit liability for the consequences of those accidents, object to.

As to Railway Insurance, no men would insure their lives with the Railway Companies except fathers of families, caring about their wives and families uncommonly. None but an extremely small few of the very strongest-minded women would insure at all. No one, having not any survivors to care for, would insure his life, unless he were an Irishman'; he would only insure his limbs and living body. But every prudent person would insure those. Railway Insurance would, therefore, require a tariff of premiums, for which, at corresponding charges, the constitution in general, or each member or organ of the body could be insured. This would have to be posted at every station, conspicuously, in large letters, such that they who run may read; an arm so much, a hand so much, a finger so much, a leg, a foot, a toe, so much, brain, to be insured against injury causing impaired intellect. Every an ear, a nose, so much, and upwards. The list ought to include the death and all possible mutilations, which, if it made frivolous passengers carriage also should contain a table of the terms of insurance in case of melancholy, would render a railway journey comparatively jolly for the thinking traveller.

LEARNING FOR LADIES.

HERE is an interesting morsel of intelligence. We learn it from our fashionable teacher, the Court Circular :

"M. J. PEYRITSCH has read before the Academy of Vienna a paper On the Morphology of the Umbelliferæ.'

We wonder what are the ideas conveyed by these fine words to the minds of the fair readers of our fashionable contemporary. Indeed, how much the wiser will most young ladies be, even if we strive to help them to some knowledge of the matter, by digging up the Greek and Latin roots of these fine words? Will MISS SMITH or MISS TOMKINS condescend to avow herself enlightened, if we tell her that "morphology" is derived from two Greek words, the one morphe, meaning form or "figure," the other logos, meaning "word" or speech; umbella, shade or parasol, and fero, I bear or carry? We fear such and that the word "umbelliferæ " is compounded of two Latin words, explanation will but serve still more to puzzle those young ladies, and lead them to imagine that the erudite professor has been delivering a lecture on the figures of speech, or slang, say, of themselves and other ladies, who, being umbelliferæ, all carry parasols.

A SABBATARIAN SAGE.

THE Honorary Secretary of the Licence Amendment League is a sagacious reasoner. Speaking for a deputation of vexatious busybodies, who waited on the HOME SECRETARY the other day, boring him with solicitation to impose still greater restraint than the Government intends on the liquor trade, this philosopher pressed on MR. BRUCE the remarkable argument that, as picture-galleries and other places of elevating recreation are closed upon Sunday, public-houses should be closed also. This is just reversing the logic of our old position that, whilst gin-shops and pot-houses are open on Sundays, picture-galleries and museums ought not to be closed. The Honorary Secretary of the and turned it against us, only he has got hold of the wrong end of the Licence Amendment League has taken up a cudgel the same as ours, stick.

NOTICE.-MR. PUNCH is requested to say, in reply to several complaining letters to the Proprietors of this Periodical, that the persons in the country engaged in obtaining Advertisements for a cover stated to be intended for distribution to the subscribers to Punch, are acting without any authority for doing so, and that no such cover is issued in connection with the Punch Office.

PHOEBUS'S PORTRAITS OF THIEVES. SCENE-The Slums. A Public-house Interior. BILL WHEELER and JACK OAKUM.

Jack (taking up a newspaper). Hullo, I say, BILL, here's a floorer! (reads slowly, with some difficulty): :

THE TWINS OF TIPPERARY.

WITHIN one bracket it were well to stick 'em-
The "Honest" HERON with the "Gentle " KICKHAM
His rival's name the other's back transfer on;
For HERON, kick him: KICKHAM leave to err on.
For Clonmel's boys, sure Nemesis must nick 'em,
"Twixt HERON's faith, and gentleness of KICKHAM:
As wolf in sheep's skin to sheep with wolf's fur on,
Such Convict KICKHAM to Queen's Counsel HERON.

"A wind-bag emptied if you but pin-prick him!
E'en such," may HERON say with truth, "is KICKHAM."
"Humbug! to Fenian skirts stuck like a burr on!
E'en such," may KICKHAM say with truth, "is HERON."
Six to one, half a dozen to the other-

Twins of one hideous sire and one weak mother-
Got by Untruth on Itch of Approbation-
Spring of all woes to Ireland's ill-starr'd nation!
Rational voters had given votes to neither:
To Paddy that may have commended either.

Two candidates like this-such, and so mated-
What voice but Erin's e'er had nominated?
Yet who but she their merits so had gauged-
Witty e'en at her wildest when she raged-
As to keep these unworthies of her choice
Equal, almost to fraction of a voice?

Though to the seat HERON, as worse, she bore,
'Twas but by a majority of four !

"PHOTOGRAPHIC PRISONERS.-In common with other Magistrates, the LORD, MAYOR has received a communication from the RIGHT HON. H. A. BRUCE, Secretary of State for the Home Department, with reference to the taking of photographs of habitual criminals convicted within his jurisdiction. The letter will be submitted to an early meeting of the Court of Aldermen." Blow their blessed horbs o' wision! Fotogrofe 'abitchial criminals! That's the way they're agoin' to flummux a cove, now then.

Bill. Oh, bless 'em!-they 've bin a tryin' that 'ere dodge some time, in places. CAP'N GARDNER, Guvnor o' Bristol jug, says hever sence '47; and the Times's words is as how that system as bin the means o' procurin penial servitood for many pris'ners whose crimes might hotherways 'ave honly bin treated as fust offences.

Jack. "Unpleasant hinformation." Noozepaper 'eddin, for [that intelligence.

Bill. Werry much so. Guv'nor GARDNER thinks that, through that blessed fotigrofy systim, by interodoosin' of it into hevery gaol, nearly hall the perfessional prigs will be highdentified, and on conwiction-the words I remember is-" receive hadequate punishment." That's 'is blessed plan. And now, yer see, this here blessed Reform Guv'ment's a foller'n on it out, wus luck.

Jack. They takes them blessed fotagrofes by means o' the Sundoan’t’em P

Bill. Yes, the beggars, they do.

Jack. Blow the Sun! As Fenian MIKE says, the Sun's allus a standin' in our daylight.

Bill. MIKE 's right there too. 'Cause night is growd our day," as the song says. I'm a cove o' some readin', though booked R and W Imp., like you. But blow the Sun, I say too, and the fotagrofes and fotagrofers and CAP'N GARDNER and the Guv'ment, and the Beaks, and all the lot o' 'em.

Look Out!

[Scene closes.

And in wake of ANONYMA,

Drive, with breakers on the lee. In short no craft, but, all sail set From stu'nsail boom to spanker, Drives at twenty knots to ruin,

With, not one in ten, an anchor! And when comes the day of reckoning, For the fitters-out and builders"Twill be pity of your BAXTER,

And mercy on your CHILDERS!

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Arx is musical, as musical as Manchester, and much in the same way too. Two excellent bands here; and once, a visit from Herr Something-or-other on the fiddle of world-wide reputation, the Commander informs me, though he's the last man whom I should suspect of knowing anything about it.

Happy Thought. Has sailed round the world, and met Herr Something with his fiddle everywhere.

DYNGWELL Won't join our party to the Concert. He says, if the Cockalorum would give us a "right-fol-iddity, or a chant with a coalbox to it" (he means chorus when he says "coalbox," and the Professor makes a mental note of it, in order to look out this particular use of the word coalbox in the Dictionary) "he would come; but as there is no chance of his taste in this direction being gratified, he stays in his room and runs through his German exercises.

"

Happy Thought.-Beer is the same in both languages. Bavarian Beer excellent. So also the lightest wines; e.g. Zeltinger.

Happy Thought.-Take home a cask of the former and a case of the latter. I point out to DYNGWELL what a saving this will be, and how necessary it is, as the father of a family (one with rashes) to be economical. He sticks his glass in his eye, and exclaims, "Bravo! quite the drunkard!" which was not, on the whole, exactly the encomium I had expected from him.

At the Concert.-Our party consists of the amiable and learned translator of ÆSCHYLUS; the jovial, good-natured Yorkshire Squire (who has got well of severe gout, in a week, in consequence of rubbing in his draught, and drinking his lotion by mistake); the Lieutenant, who has come to the Concert in the hopes of there being a "hop" afterwards, which appears to be his one great aim in going to any evening entertainment of any kind; the High Church Anglican clergyman, whose resemblance to a Catholic Priest would be perfect, if there was only the slightest chance of his being mistaken for anything else but an English Protestant Minister; and DR. CASPAR, who knows every one and everything in the place, and is welcome everywhere, and can go anywhere now that Aix is deserted by strangers, and he has time for shaking hands without feeling pulses. Our nervous compatriot does not appear anywhere except at table d'hôte, having probably jerked himself into bed at an early hour, and shaken himself into a sound sleep.

Happy Thought.-Perhaps I shall discover who Der Andere Mann is. First overture of Concert over. Room crowded. Elegant toilettes; pretty Saxon faces; Prussian officers, in uniform of course. Commander has been listening in rapt attention to the music. We all listen to a part-song critically.

Happy Thought.—To beat time with my head and hand, in order to show that the English are a musical nation. Commander does the same. I ask him which he prefers, ROSSINI, AUBER, or WAGNER. He hesitates. He asks thoughtfully, "Let me see, what was ROSSINI'S great work?

Happy Thought.-(By way of reply, while I think what ROSSINI has written), "His great work! Why, he 's written so many.'" The Commander says, "He's alive still, isn't he?" I own I am taken by surprise, never having considered the question of his being alive: having, in fact, generally ranked him among the "Old Masters," and got him back somewhere near SHAKSPEARE's time.

Happy Thought.-To laugh slily and say, "I suppose so." If he isn't, and was in SHAKSPEARE's time, I can say I thought he (The Commander) was joking. Mem. Read up Musical History: odd, I've quite forgotten it under "C" (Composers) and "M" (Music) in Typ. Devel. Part III. Concert continues.

Herr Somebody on the violin.-Great applause on his appearance. He has long hair, turn-down collar, and a pale face, at least so it seems from this distance. Strange, now I come to think of it, that all great violinists, whom I have ever seen, are always the same, and I always see them from the far end of a room. He plays a melody slowly, with which he appears pleased: so do we. Commander thinks "he must be wonderfully strong in the chin to hold the instrument while his left hand is jumping up and down it." People look round at Commander and say "Sssh!" reprovingly. Herr Somebody takes three decided scrapes at the strings, and then as it were scrambles about the violin

wildly. Three more scrapes; more scrambling; tune nowhere-one, two, three (fiercely); twiddley-twiddley-twiddly-iddley (wildly). Down below like a double-bass, making a sensitive person, like myself, experience a feeling not unlike that caused by the steamboat when it dives in between two waves on a rough passage; then up again, notes running one after the other like mice in a wall, and his four fingers and thumb chasing them nearly to the bridge and not catching them. Back again, in among the screws, up the handle, on to the bridge, hand still trying to seize on something, his eyes watching the performance intently, and chin fixed. An occasional shifting his head a little on one side, just for a second, as if he was ticklish, but liked the sensation. Then a plaintive bit, which seems to make him stand on tip toes, and causes me almost to rise out of my seat. Then short note, still plaintive, which brings him down on his heels again. As I watch him he seems to become all violin and arms. immediately knocked on the head by the bow. Up and down the Sudden appearance of a little tune, chromatic scale, in and out the flats and sharps. Herr Somebody loses his way in a labyrinth; more mystification; at last he's out of the maze; pause, flourish of bow, grand triumphal movement (no tune to speak of, but no mistaking the time), chords crisp, and chords loose. Running up and down the chords; violin swaying as if (so to speak) he'd tumble off it every minute. We hold our breath in suspense. I almost feel inclined to say, "Oh, do stop, Sir! take care! for goodness sake! take care!"

is a sensational performance. Happy Thought.-A sort of Musical Blondin. On consideration this

hard, fast, and marked up the scale full pelt, whack! whacker!! Flourish, scuttle, scuttle, scuttle, up and down wildly, chords WHACKEST!!! and the exhausted performer is bowing his acknowledgments. A sigh of relief from everyone, audibly, as if we congratulated ourselves, and him, on getting through such a dangerous performance without an accident. He is encored; but only reappears and bows. He will not tempt Providence again. Everyone says Admirable! Charming! Wonderful! almost equal to JOACHIM," cries DR. CASPAR, enthusiastically.

Happy Thought.-"Yes, almost.” CASPAR is gone, before I can add that I've never heard JOACHIM. I turn to the Commander to ask him what he, as a musical man, thinks of it. The Commander is fast asleep.

Shipboy"-only I forget the rest; but the idea is that the Shipboy Happy Thought.-To quote to him when he wakes, "The Rugged sleeps tranquilly through all dangers and tempests on the top of a mast. I have always wondered what he held on by? Will wake the Commander, and ask him to illustrate this passage in SHAKSPEARE. Commander wakes. On being remonstrated with for his drowsiness, he admits confidentially to me, as a thing not to go any further, "that it's not much good his being here, as he doesn't know one tune from another."

Aix arrangements, everything is over early), we adjourn to a café, After Concert, which is over early (another excellent thing in the where we each partake of a Wiener Schnitzel, some Sauer-kraut, and a tankard of such beer as won't interfere with your waking in the morning. The Commander commences (with the cigars) his usual story about the Mongoose. The Lieutenant begs his pardon for a minute, and seeing a table in the ante-room vacant, proposes billiards as a wind-up. Billiards, by all means.

We rise, and go to the billiard-room. The Commander is, I see, a little disappointed. At this moment DYNGWELL happens to stroll in with his professorial friend, who joins us in much the same spirit that DR. JOHNSON did BEAUCLERK and the others, when they got him out of bed for a frolic. It appears they've been to supper (one of DYNGWELL'S ingenious methods of doing a German exercise) at Klöppel's (I think that's what they call it), and thought, that he (DYNGWELL), and Old Cockalorum (the Professor), would find us here. DYNGWELL opportunely salutes the Commander with "Hallo, old Mongoose!" which puts an extinguisher on all chance of hearing the story from the naval officer to-night. He has been trying to tell it for weeks. He proposes to walk home with the Professor. Has probably hit upon the Happy Thought of "Tell him the Mongoose story." Professor says he shall be delighted, only he must speak to a friend first. He does so; to some one at the other end of the room, and is not seen again, except for a second by me, when I catch sight of his hat, which there is no mistaking, as he is making a quiet exit by the front door.

Commander takes a seat between two Germans, with whom he enters affably into such a conversation as his command of the language permits; i.e. at the rate of two words in five minutes, with an occasional ja or nein. he disappears. Then he goes to sleep again. Then he wakes up. Then

Campbell's Heroine.

WOMAN Suffrage has been established in a territory of the United States-Wyoming. It is pleasant to think that one who has long been famous by her connection with this happy territory will now have a vote-Gertrude of Wyoming.