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LAY OF LICENSING AMENDMENT.

SCENE–Rural. The Queen's Highway.
Oy, dear, Papa! Look, Papa; tell me what can
The matter be, there, with that labouring man?
By turns, sight and left, see his footsteps

incline;
He walks in a zigzag instead of a line.
“That peasant, that rustic, deplorable sight,
Is what we call screwed,' my boy, SAMUEL, 'tight.'
The reason which makes him unable to steer
Is, no doubt, his having partaken of beer.”

Of beer, Papa? But, Papa, we drink beer too, And never on us does it work like a screw; Beer doesn't make you and me reel to and fro, And stumbling along, like that countryman, go.” "No, SAMUEL, 10, my son; no, but we should If we were to drink for us more than was good ; We both the same spectacle then should display As that man pursuing his devious way.' “How much, now, Papa, should you say he has had.? No doubt a great deal to have made him so bad; I dare say a gallon-or two do you think ? To be so affected as he is with drink.” "Ah! SAMUEL, yes, one would think it would need, Ere getting like that, one should greatly exceed. But what he has taken was probably small In quantity; one pint, I dare say, was all.”

Papa! Why, I've seen you drink two pints, or three, And no worse than if you had drunk so much tea.

Then how can it be, having only had one,
That poor man we see so done up, or undone ?”

Bad beer, SAM, bad beer; ullage: beer-engine's waste,
Bedoctored and drugged to impose on the taste.
Bad beer, sold at beershops to carters and clowns ;
At low public-houses to workmen in towns.”
“Papa, don't you think that a very great shame ?
And then does it not give good beer an ill name :
So much so that some silly people propose
All places, where beer can be purchased, to close ?”
“Yes, Samuel, yes, I am sorry to say;
To make people sober, they go the wrong way.
Our ancestors, bless them, the right method knew;
Trounced all rogues bad liquor that dared sell or brew.”
“They had an Ale-taster at every court-leet
Papa, had they not, to take care drink was meet ?
An Ale-conner likewise, in London, to see
The pots and the measures were what they should be ?"
"They had, SAM; whose places, for Temperance' sake,
Now let WILFRID LAWSON and Dawson BURNS take.
On truly good liquor few mortals get queer ;,
The law should stop, simply, the sale of bad beer.”

A Quotation that has Lost its Flavour. THE gradual disappearance from table of the favourite wine of our fathers suggests the reflection, that if a poet of the present day were, in writing of Britain, to speak of “the lords of human kind,” he would hesitate to distinguish, as GOLDSMITH does with confidence, their Pride in their port."

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - MARCH 5, 1870.

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DESERTED!

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THE IRREPRESSIBLE SUNDAY BILL.

ON THE WRONG GROUND. can see any

If the hand-working men who aspire to Parliamentary representation reason why LORD of their class wish to retain the sympathy and support of the headCHELMSFORD working men in their struggle, they should be very careful in their should have been choice of fighting-ground. Fight where they will, they will have a 80 superfluous as

hard tussle; but they may double or halve their strength as they to trouble the choose their ground well or ill. At Maidstone they chose it as badly House of Lords as possible. What room was there for a working man's candidate in a to discuss a Sun- contest where the Liberal champion was SiR JOHN LUBBOCK, whose day Trading BillP claims to Liberal support are not a whit over-stated in the Spectator's A gentleman description of him, as, at once, an able banker, an accomplished named Ayres, economist and financier, a man of the widest and deepest scientific on his legs the culture, a thorough physiologist, a good geologist, an original writer other day, at a on pre-historic times-one who combines practical and intellectual meeting held in power rarely united in one man ?." Surely members of this calibre are Whitechapel, by at least as rare in the House of Commons, and should be as precious

number of there, as the most horny-handed and hard-headed of working men. It shopkeepers, is true that MR. APPLEGARTH, the working man's candidate, retired

hawkers, and before the final struggle, finding-according to his own statementother dealers, whose interests are threatened by that project of Sabba

" that he was too late in the field to make headway against the popular tarian legislation, very justly remarked, touching the promoters of feeling in SIR JOAN LUBBOCK's favour!” He had better have said, interference with the liberty and enjoyments of the working classes on

"Finding that he had no business ever to have come forward.”. What Sunday, that :

right, Punch asks him, had he, or any man who wishes to see the best “ They did not dare to attack the railway interest, because the railway SIR JOHN LUBBOCK had occupied in advance of him?

wisdom of England in the House of Commons, in the field which

All working companies possessed ninety votes,, but the small tradesmen had not a single men, who are worth their salt, must admit that no claims that could member to represent them directly."

be set up on behalf of their order could stand a moment's comparison It would be worse than quoting an old Joe Miller to remind LORD with those of SIR JOHN LUBBOCK on the support of the best and CHELMSFORD that people cannot be made religious by Act of Parlia- broadest Liberalism. Let them choose constituencies where they will ment. Of course he knows that; and has no idea of making them. have to fight pseudo-Liberalism and genuine Toryism, and welcome. He simply wants to prevent the poorer inhabitants of Whitechapel But in the name of their cause and ours, don't let them put stumbling from hurting his own and other gentlefolk's feelings of decorum touch- blocks in the Parliamentary path of such men as SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, ing Sunday

observance. But, without perpetrating a platitude, it or they will only do what they have more than once done already may be suggested to the noble and learned lord, that it is very possible make way for the fox, while the lion and the bear are worrying each to make people irreligious by Act of Parliament; and that an Act other. which imposes restrictions on their liberty in respect of Sunday, whilst it allows the richer classes to drive about in carriages, luxuriate in clubs, and practically do just whatever they please, is about the best

A HINT FOR THE ACADEMY. statute that could be devised for that purpose.

To MISTER Punch-HONNERD SIR,

I SEE it hev been stated in the noosepapers which we reeds

em reglar in the Suvnts All that the recent Xhibition of Old Masters A CAPITAL INVESTMENT.

hev proved a great suxess & in the interests of Hart we ought to cry

Hangcore to it. With all my art say I, but I shood likeways like to “What shall I do with my money p” is a question which may see a Xhibition of Old & Young Missuses as well as them Old Masters puzzle those who have more wealth than wit. Such people should be of whom we ears so much. Speaking as a phootman I can say as our thankful for being shown the way of spending money usefully,--as, for Young Missuses deserve to be exibited, for they continally are making instance, by subscribing to such charities as this :

exibitions of theirselves. I'm shaw if the Akedemy was to show em “The Parochial Mission Women's Association has, for a charitable under- up in their true colours, which I don't mean there dyed air, the Exibitaking, this most unusual merit,—that it gives nothing away in charity. Its tion would be found igstreemly poplar with the public,

& avink the supavowed object is to help the poor only by teaching them to help themselves. port of all we suvnts, who in course would phlock

to see it, you may The duty of the mission woman is to go about among the poor... for the take your Alfred Davy it would be a great pecoonary suxess. Apollo purpose of persuading them to exercise a little forethought, and save a por- Gyesing for the libaty of begging you to publish my Hidea, i remane tion, no matter how slight, of their daily or weekly earnings, until they have yours most obedient to command

JOHN THOMAS. got enough together to purchase some useful article."

P.S. I ear that some of our old Masters is now pretty nearly beauties People with more money than they know how to spend may here without Paint. Well you can't say that exackly of some of our Old & find for their spare capital a capital investment. Such missionaries as Young Missuses. these, who help the poor by teaching them how they may help themselves, assuredly well merit to be helped in their good work.

Restless Robert. “It is in fact a sort of savings’-bank, co-operative store, conversation class, school and church, all rolled into one, with the additional advantage

No keeping that boy BoB quiet! that these institutions are brought, as it were, to the doors of the poor, since

First, he made us pay all our assessed taxes in January, and so did the poor will not go to them.”

the tax-payer out of five quarters' tax in a year, pocketing by the These mission-women, mind you, are poor persons themselves, and dodge three millions in advance. Now, he insists on the Bank's are thoroughly acquainted with the ways and means of those among a quarter's interest, or something very like two millions in all.

dividends quarterly, and so makes the fundholder å present of whom they are sent. The advice which they can offer, and the helping hand which backs it, are given in a kindly way, and never interfering,

Does he mean us to set the douceur against the do? and have the weight which years, experience, and sympathy, can add.

Unluckily, we all pay taxes, but we don't all draw dividends. Self-help is the chief lesson that needs teaching to our poor; and the teachers here employed are the best that can be chosen, and the

A Professional View of Things. likeliest to be listened to by those who need to be taught.

WHEN our Schoolmaster, who is fond of pedestrian exercise, sets

out for a walk of several miles, he always says that he is going for a The Heat of Debate.

good long Spell in the Country. THE House of Commons should be careful of entering into discussions

GOING AHEAD! about foot-warmers in railway carriages, lest, after going on so far in the Session pretty comfortably, they get into hot water,

BULLS are not generally considered intelligent creatures, but in America they are trained to such perfection that they can Toss a Pan

cake on Shrove Tuesday. FROM COLWELL HATCHNEY. DURING' the coldest weather this winter, the Collegians of Colwell IN THE LADIES' GALLERY.-MRS. MALAPROP is unable to underHatchney ran races. The united Heats amounted to 227° above the stand why in the House of Commons they talk of their Eyes and

their level of the thermometer.

Nose, She says she was brought up to say Noses.

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TEMPLE DIVIDED AGAINST HIMSELF.

It seemed to me that what was allowed to FREDERICK TEMPLE might not be allowed to the BISHOP OF EXETER.”—The Bishop of Exeter's Apologia pro Vitá sud.

Can a man cat himself in two

Array one half 'gainst 'tother;
And call on his discreeter half

His bolder half to smother?
From broad paths, that as presbyter

He trod, his foot withdraw,
For the strait ways where Bishops move,

Like Agag, o'er the straw,
That tells us of confinement

To the bounds of holy awe,
Of horror of disturbance,

And submission to Church law ?
Old liberties in humble pie

Was it well done to dish up,
And what's allowed to Schoolmaster,

Own not allowed to Bishop ?
Such creed of self-dismemberment

Proclaimed in deed and word,
By tutors, priests, and schoolmasters,

New mitred, we have heard.
Have seen, in haven of the Bench,

Shut out from tides and gales,
Explorers of high latitudes

Furl their adventurous sails;
Seen souls that chafed 'gainst articles,

Content in narrower pales;
Seen nice ex-weighers of the truth

Wink at false weights and scales :
Known old foes glad old feuds to patch,

Old fictions glad to fish up,
And own what's safe for Schoolmaster

Is dangerous for Bishop.
Bat those who felt such compromise

Matter of shame and ruth,
Hoped that at length the Church had found

A Temple vowed to trath!
SHOCKING RESULT OF DARK VEILS.

Where Faith had but one lot of weights,
WE HOMBLY BEG THIS YOUNG LADY'S PARDON (WHO IS REALLY RATHER A

Belief one set of measures ; PRETTY GIRL), BUT, BEING SAORT-SIGHTED, WE POSITIVELY TOOK HER FOR A

Where Conscience was too stiff to bend
LADY OF COLOUR !

To church- or lay-men's pleasures ;
Where Truth was key of corner-stones,

And Duty first of treasures ;
COMING LEGISLATION.

Where Exeter held Rugby's rod,

Time-serving souls to swish up,
It is generally understood that if the Bill which has been introduced into the Who preached that right in Schoolmaster
House of Commons, requiring Railway Companies to provide hot-water tins for

Could e'er be wrong in Bishop ?
third and second class passengers in severe weather becomes law, it will be followed
up, by other measures equally necessary for the comfort and convenience of the Alas, not e'en his strength was proof
public.

Against that mitred crowd

The chill of those averted eyes, The following are a few of the Bills stated to be in active preparation :

That horror deep and loud ! A Bill to oblige Railway Companies to have the Doors of their Carriages

The back that we deemed duty-steeled closed quietly and gently, and not slammed with the Noise and Violence now To bending hath been brought; annoyingly customary.

He we thought champion to the death A Bill to compel Omnibus Passengers to pay their Fare before they leave the

Of free speech and free thought, Conveyance, or at least, to be ready to tender it when they alight; and not to

“Happy dispatch” episcopal detain the Vehicle while they feel in all their Pockets for their Purses, or request

Upon himself has wrought! change for Half-a-Sovereign.

For a Right Reverend, still, in vain A Bill to restrain young Persons under Twelve from driving their Hoops along

We offer prayer and wish up, the public Pavement.

Who'll hold what's right in Schoolmaster A Bill to prevent Women wearing, Colours unsuitable to their Complexion,

Can ne'er be wrong in Bishop !
and generally from adopting such prevailing Fashions in Dress as are not becoming
to their Age and Appearance.

A Bill to put down Encores at public Concerts and Entertainments.
A Bill to abolish all Fees and Gratuities at Theatres and other Places of Amuse-

Well Done, Waterford ! ment, and to regulate and restrict Calls before the Curtain. A Bill to make compulsory the Presence of a Railway Director or High Official health, the public revenue, the number of paupers in the

EVERY week, we have returns relating to the public in every Passenger Train.

metropolis, the number of visitors at the South Kensington A Bill constituting it a punishable Offence to introduce a Manufactured Article Museum, &c.; but this last week there has been a welcome as Wine, under the designation of Port, Sherry, or Champagne, when it is not addition to the usual list, which has given Mr. Punch Port, Sherry, or Champagne.

particular pleasure-the return of MR. BERNAL OSBORNE A Bill to disestablish the Weather as a Topic of Conversation.

to the House of Commons. By whatever epithet this A Bill for the Introduction of a new Set of Figures in the Quadrille.

Session of Parliament may be distinguished, there is now A Bill for the better Regulation of Wedding Breakfasts, and for the more no fear that it will be known as the Dull Session. rational Observance of Christmas.

HIBERNIAN ORDER.–An Irish correspondent informs CON FOR COLD WEATHER.-When is a man like a foal? When he's a little ho(a)rse. I us, that in Tipperary tumult is the Order of the Day.

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