*** IN TRUTH HE WAS A NOBLE STEED, A TARTAR OF THE UKRAINE BREED,

LAY OF LICENSING AMENDMENT.

SCENE-Rural. The Queen's Highway.

ОH, dear, Рapa! Look, Papa; tell me what can
The matter be, there, with that labouring man?
By turns, right and left, see his footsteps incline;
He walks in a zigzag instead of a line."

"That peasant, that rustic, deplorable sight,

Is what we call screwed,' my boy, SAMUEL, 'tight.'
The reason which makes him unable to steer
Is, no doubt, his having partaken of beer."

"Of beer, Papa? But, Papa, we drink beer too,
And never on us does it work like a screw;
Beer doesn't make you and me reel to and fro,
And stumbling along, like that countryman, go."
"No, SAMUEL, no, my son; no, but we should
If we were to drink for us more than was good;
We both the same spectacle then should display
As that man pursuing his devious way."

"How much, now, Papa, should you say he has had ?
No doubt a great deal to have made him so bad;
I dare say a gallon-or two do you think ?-
To be so affected as he is with drink."

"Ah! SAMUEL, yes, one would think it would need,
Ere getting like that, one should greatly exceed.
But what he has taken was probably small
In quantity; one pint, I dare say, was all."

"Papa! Why, I've seen you drink two pints, or three, And no worse than if you had drunk so much tea.

WHO LOOKED AS THOUGH THE SPEED OF THOUGHT
WERE IN HIS LIMBS-

[Our Animal Painter has to make the best of his Model!

Then how can it be, having only had one,

That poor man we see so done up, or undone ?"

"Bad beer, SAM, bad beer; ullage: beer-engine's waste,
Bedoctored and drugged to impose on the taste.
Bad beer, sold at beershops to carters and clowns;
At low public-houses to workmen in towns."
"Papa, don't you think that a very great shame ?
And then does it not give good beer an ill name:
So much so that some silly people propose
All places, where beer can be purchased, to close ?"

"Yes, SAMUEL, yes, I am sorry to say;
To make people sober, they go the wrong way.
Our ancestors, bless them, the right method knew;
Trounced all rogues bad liquor that dared sell or brew."

"They had an Ale-taster at every court-leet
Papa, had they not, to take care drink was meet?
An Ale-conner likewise, in London, to see

The pots and the measures were what they should be?

"They had, SAM; whose places, for Temperance' sake,
Now let WILFRID LAWSON and DAWSON BURNS take.
On truly good liquor few mortals get queer;
The law should stop, simply, the sale of bad beer."

A Quotation that has Lost its Flavour.

THE gradual disappearance from table of the favourite wine of our fathers suggests the reflection, that if a poet of the present day were, in writing of Britain, to speak of "the lords of human kind," he would hesitate to distinguish, as GOLDSMITH does with confidence, their "Pride in their port."

THE IRREPRESSIBLE SUNDAY BILL.

HO can see any

reason why LORD CHELMSFORD should have been so superfluous as to trouble the House of Lords to discuss a Sunday Trading Bill? gentleman

A

a

named AYRES, on his legs the other day, at a meeting held in Whitechapel, by number of shopkeepers, hawkers, and other dealers, whose interests are threatened by that project of Sabbatarian legislation, very justly remarked, touching the promoters of interference with the liberty and enjoyments of the working classes on Sunday, that :

"They did not dare to attack the railway interest, because the railway companies possessed ninety votes, but the small tradesmen had not a single member to represent them directly."

It would be worse than quoting an old Joe Miller to remind LORD CHELMSFORD that people cannot be made religious by Act of Parliament. Of course he knows that; and has no idea of making them. He simply wants to prevent the poorer inhabitants of Whitechapel from hurting his own and other gentlefolk's feelings of decorum touching Sunday observance. But, without perpetrating a platitude, it may be suggested to the noble and learned lord, that it is very possible to make people irreligious by Act of Parliament; and that an Act which imposes restrictions on their liberty in respect of Sunday, whilst it allows the richer classes to drive about in carriages, luxuriate in clubs, and practically do just whatever they please, is about the best statute that could be devised for that purpose.

A CAPITAL INVESTMENT.

"WHAT shall I do with my money ?" is a question which may puzzle those who have more wealth than wit. Such people should be thankful for being shown the way of spending money usefully,-as, for instance, by subscribing to such charities as this:

ON THE WRONG GROUND.

Ir the hand-working men who aspire to Parliamentary representation of their class wish to retain the sympathy and support of the headworking men in their struggle, they should be very careful in their choice of fighting-ground. Fight where they will, they will have a hard tussle; but they may double or halve their strength as they choose their ground well or ill. At Maidstone they chose it as badly as possible. What room was there for a working man's candidate in a contest where the Liberal champion was SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, whose claims to Liberal support are not a whit over-stated in the Spectator's description of him, as, at once, an able banker, an accomplished economist and financier, a man of the widest and deepest scientific culture, a thorough physiologist, a good geologist, an original writer on pre-historic times-one who combines practical and intellectual power rarely united in one man?" Surely members of this calibre are at least as rare in the House of Commons, and should be as precious there, as the most horny-handed and hard-headed of working men. It is true that MR. APPLEGARTH, the working man's candidate, retired before the final struggle, finding-according to his own statement"that he was too late in the field to make headway against the popular feeling in SIR JOHN LUBBOCK's favour!" He had better have said, "Finding that he had no business ever to have come forward." What right, Punch asks him, had he, or any man who wishes to see the best wisdom of England in the House of Commons, in the field which SIR JOHN LUBBOCK had occupied in advance of him? men, who are worth their salt, must admit that no claims that could All working be set up on behalf of their order could stand a moment's comparison with those of SIR JOHN LUBBOCK on the support of the best and broadest Liberalism. Let them choose constituencies where they will have to fight pseudo-Liberalism and genuine Toryism, and welcome. But in the name of their cause and ours, don't let them put stumbling blocks in the Parliamentary path of such men as SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, or they will only do what they have more than once done alreadymake way for the fox, while the lion and the bear are worrying each other.

A HINT FOR THE ACADEMY.

TO MISTER PUNCH-HONNERD SIR,

I SEE it hev been stated in the noosepapers which we reeds em reglar in the Suvnts All that the recent Xhibition of Old Masters hev proved a great suxess & in the interests of Hart we ought to cry Hangcore to it. With all my art say I, but I shood likeways like to see a Xhibition of Old & Young Missuses as well as them Old Masters of whom we ears so much. Speaking as a phootman I can say as our Young Missuses deserve to be exibited, for they continally are making exibitions of theirselves. I'm shaw if the Akedemy was to show em

People with more money than they know how to spend may here find for their spare capital a capital investment. Such missionaries as these, who help the poor by teaching them how they may help themselves, assuredly well merit to be helped in their good work.

"It is in fact a sort of savings'-bank, co-operative store, conversation class, school and church, all rolled into one, with the additional advantage that these institutions are brought, as it were, to the doors of the poor, since the poor will not go to them."

These mission-women, mind you, are poor persons themselves, and are thoroughly acquainted with the ways and means of those among whom they are sent. The advice which they can offer, and the helping hand which backs it, are given in a kindly way, and never interfering, and have the weight which years, experience, and sympathy, can add. Self-help is the chief lesson that needs teaching to our poor; and the teachers here employed are the best that can be chosen, and the likeliest to be listened to by those who need to be taught.

The Heat of Debate.

THE House of Commons should be careful of entering into discussions about foot-warmers in railway carriages, lest, after going on so far in the Session pretty comfortably, they get into hot water.

FROM COLWELL HATCHNEY.

DURING the coldest weather this winter, the Collegians of Colwell Hatchney ran races. The united Heats amounted to 227° above the level of the thermometer.

tion would be found igstreemly poplar with the public, & avink the support of all we suvnts, who in course would phlock to see it, you may take your Alfred Davy it would be a great pecoonary suxess. Apollo Gyesing for the libaty of begging you to publish my Hidea, i remane yours most obedient to command JOHN THOMAS.

P.S. I ear that some of our old Masters is now pretty nearly beauties without Paint. Well you can't say that exackly of some of our Old & Young Missuses.

The following are a few of the Bills stated to be in active preparation :

A Bill to oblige Railway Companies to have the Doors of their Carriages closed quietly and gently, and not slammed with the Noise and Violence now annoyingly customary.

A Bill to compel Omnibus Passengers to pay their Fare before they leave the Conveyance, or at least, to be ready to tender it when they alight; and not to detain the Vehicle while they feel in all their Pockets for their Purses, or request change for Half-a-Sovereign.

A Bill to restrain young Persons under Twelve from driving their Hoops along the public Pavement.

A Bill to prevent Women wearing Colours unsuitable to their Complexion, and generally from adopting such prevailing Fashions in Dress as are not becoming to their Age and Appearance.

A Bill to put down Encores at public Concerts and Entertainments.

A Bill to abolish all Fees and Gratuities at Theatres and other Places of Amusement, and to regulate and restrict Calls before the Curtain.

A Bill to make compulsory the Presence of a Railway Director or High Official in every Passenger Train.

A Bill constituting it a punishable Offence to introduce a Manufactured Article as Wine, under the designation of Port, Sherry, or Champagne, when it is not Port, Sherry, or Champagne.

A Bill to disestablish the Weather as a Topic of Conversation.
A Bill for the Introduction of a new Set of Figures in the Quadrille.

TEMPLE DIVIDED AGAINST HIMSELF.

"It seemed to me that what was allowed to FREDERICK TEMPLE might not be allowed to the BISHOP OF EXETER."-The Bishop of Exeter's Apologia pro Vita sua.

CAN a man cut himself in two-
Array one half 'gainst 'tother;
And call on his discreeter half

His bolder half to smother?
From broad paths, that as presbyter

He trod, his foot withdraw,

For the strait ways where Bishops move,

Like AGAG, o'er the straw,

That tells us of confinement

To the bounds of holy awe,

Of horror of disturbance,

And submission to Church law?

Old liberties in humble pie

Was it well done to dish up,

And what's allowed to Schoolmaster,
Own not allowed to Bishop?

Such creed of self-dismemberment
Proclaimed in deed and word,
By tutors, priests, and schoolmasters,
New mitred, we have heard.
Have seen, in haven of the Bench,
Shut out from tides and gales,
Explorers of high latitudes

Furl their adventurous sails;
Seen souls that chafed 'gainst articles,
Content in narrower pales;

Seen nice ex-weighers of the truth
Wink at false weights and scales:

Known old foes glad old feuds to patch,

Old fictions glad to fish up,

And own what's safe for Schoolmaster

Is dangerous for Bishop.

But those who felt such compromise

Matter of shame and ruth,

Hoped that at length the Church had found
A Temple vowed to truth!

Where Faith had but one lot of weights,
Belief one set of measures;

Where Conscience was too stiff to bend
To church- or lay-men's pleasures;
Where Truth was key of corner-stones,
And Duty first of treasures;
Where Exeter held Rugby's rod,
Time-serving souls to swish up,
Who preached that right in Schoolmaster
Could e'er be wrong in Bishop?

Alas, not e'en his strength was proof
Against that mitred crowd-
The chill of those averted eyes,

That horror deep and loud!
The back that we deemed duty-steeled
To bending hath been brought;
He we thought champion to the death
Of free speech and free thought,
"Happy dispatch" episcopal

Upon himself has wrought!
For a Right Reverend, still, in vain
We offer prayer and wish up,
Who'll hold what's right in Schoolmaster
Can ne'er be wrong in Bishop!

Well Done, Waterford !

EVERY week we have returns relating to the public health, the public revenue, the number of paupers in the metropolis, the number of visitors at the South Kensington Museum, &c.; but this last week there has been a welcome addition to the usual list, which has given Mr. Punch particular pleasure-the return of MR. BERNAL OSBORNE to the House of Commons. By whatever epithet this Session of Parliament may be distinguished, there is now

HIBERNIAN ORDER.-An Irish correspondent informs