Page images
PDF
EPUB

COMPETITIVE CABMEN.

HY should not cabmen be elected by public competition, as well as other civilperhaps, not too civil-servants ? Free trade has failed at present to improve them or their vehicles, as we fondly hoped it might. Where are the new ninepenny-a-milers we were promised, with their drivers dressed in livery,and handing us a ticket with their numbers and their fares? We may as well expect to find an oyster in a cabbage as a ticket proffered to us when we jump into a cab. Yet what is possible in Paris may be surely done in London, if Parliament so please. Repeal the Act of last year, which is virtually valueless, and give more power to the elbows of inspectors and police. Refuse to license rickety hansoms and ramshackle four-wheelers, such as now for dirty night-work prowl about the streets. Encourage conscientiousness, civility and cleanliness by every practicable means. Give rewards for all the articles, especially umbrellas, which are brought to the Lost Office when left in any cab. Dismiss all drunkards, and extortioners, and users of foul language, upon the first wellproved offence. Encourage competition for every vacant drivership, and choose the right man for the place by the test of an examination paper such as this:

1. How long have you studied the topography of London? And to what points of the suburbs does your knowledge now extend?

2. Describe the shortest cut from Highbury to Houndsditch; and state by what routes you would drive a countryman, a foreigner, and a London lawyer's clerk; and what would be the fare demanded in each case.

3. When you are asked to carry luggage from your cab into a house, whereof the door is opened by a footman in plush breeches, do you or not consider you are privileged to grumble, unless paid a shilling extra for saving him the job?

[ocr errors]

4. Under what provocation do you deem yourself entitled to call a no gentleman"? Would you do so for his giving you a trifle less than double what you know is the right fare?

man

5. If you found left in your cab a purse of coin, an opera-glass, a packet of sandwiches, a cigar-case, a portmanteau, an overcoat, a pocket-book, a flask of sherry, an old walking-stick and a bran new silk umbrella, which of these articles, if any, would you take to Scotland Yard?

6. If you were hailed simultaneously by a gentleman with a small hand-bag and a gentleman with three ladies and a quantity of luggage, by whom would you consider that you were first engaged?

7. Under what circumstances do you think it pays to be insulting to a lady?

8. With what per-centage of excess upon the proper legal fare do you consider yourself satisfied, after candidly professing utter ignorance of distance, and humbly saying to a swell that "you leaves it to his honour"?

9. Do you consider yourself privileged to smoke inside your cab? And if so, what excuses can you invent for doing so?

10. How much short of half a sovereign would tempt you on a wet night from Regent Street to Hampstead?

11. Suppose a swell in Piccadilly were to tell you to drive him to Whitechapel, in how many miles and hours would you reach your destination? What amount of fare would your honesty of conscience permit you to demand? And, in case of a dispute, what vehemence of language could you adduce to back your statement that the streets is most all hup, and so we 'ad to come a bit sirskewertous"?

"

12. When hired by the hour, has your wish to give good money'sworth ever lured you to such speed, that you have felt yourself in danger of a fine for furious driving?

[blocks in formation]

THE QUEST OF THE HOLY POKER.

(A Fragment overlooked by the Poet-Laureate.)
THUS ebb'd and flow'd the ocean of small talk
Between us twain, we wending, till, at length,
We neared the yawning chasm but newly bridged
By Cyclopean art, too fondly deemed
Omnipotent; since steps of restless men
And thundering wains had rent the granite piers
That bore the mass. We passed to where the wand
Of magian deft had smit down Middle Row
And given Holborn to the smile of DAY
And MARTIN: turned the angle of the street
Where CHATTERTON, indignant, spurned the world;
When lo, upon our gaze monastic piles
Flashed suddenly; and many a sad-robed priest
And spinster, habited in garb of eld,

Sped ever to the shrine. Awhile we stood
Musing of Time's mutations, as we marked
How strangely showed the ways of Moyen Age
Cropping above this nineteenth century,
So found I then a voice: And deemest thou,
Young neophyte, the object of thy search,
The Holy Poker of Mosaic fame,

Lies yonder in St. Alban's sanctuary ?"
He, wondering, spread abroad his cloak of serge,
Wrought in correctest shape by Cox & Co.,
And underneath his wide-rimmed billycock,
Showing a face all wan with pious fasts
And lengthened macerations, thus unbosomed
His ardent hopes.

"Was it not yonder priest,
The holy HERIOT, who, in former days,
Led, to the blazing of five hundred dips,
The faithful in procession? Was❜t not he
Who, when the Arches Court forbade to kneel,
Fell back on genuflexions, splitting hairs?
And, when he " elevated," drew the line
At the low limit of his proper cranium ?
Is it not here that every olden rite
And custom banished by the advancing tide
Of common sense (so-called) yet liveth still
With feline immortality? Then here
We well may deem, if doomed at all to find
The relic, that success shall crown our quest."

So saying, we sought the cloister. Yet before
Its ponderous gate clashed on our entering steps,
A passing minstrel, fresh from Leather Lane,
Of garb Italian, tuned his organ-pipe
To accents of contagious melody
Sung nightly by the bards in WESTON'S Hall;
And from the circling crowd, one little voice,
Clear as the shrill pipe of an Echo-boy,
Took up the sweet refrain-Act on the Square.
SONG.
I.

"O ye who seek to find, yet, seeking, miss
The seeker's goal, and crown of all success:
If seeking, still ye search-Act on the Square.

II.

Fain would ye hear the words from friendly lips Fall like a benediction 'All serene ?'

Be this your motto still-Act on the Square.

III.

O sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, flying south, Or east, or west, or north-north-east-by-east! Be this thy chart of flight-Act on the Square." Deeming the words prophetic of our quest, We left the world behind the gate, and passed.

A Suggestion for Mr. Scudamore.

THE Clerk in the Government Telegraph Office that really wants cashiering is the Clerk of the Weather. He has been a general nuisance lately, and has done all he could to upset the new system, with only too much success.

A Law SUIT.-Wig, Gown, and Bands.

[graphic]

LOOK AT THE CLOCK.

(4 Hint to the Bench.)

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER seems to think that Government might undertake the insurance of our lives. There is one way, certainly, in which Government might do this with great advantage-by obliging Railway Companies to take better care of them.

THE CAB OF NO COLOURS.

A GOOD many cabs are now seen surmounted with the flag specifying THE Dublin Church Convention has been a characteristically their fares, prescribed by the HOME SECRETARY. Not a few, however, stormy one-especially on the question of the episcopal veto. The remain unprovided with any such ensign. Wherefore? Not necesBishops wanted an absolute power of saying no to any proposal, lay sarily from mere contumacy on the part of the cabman or his employer. or clerical. This has been refused them point-blank. In general, probably, because Cabby, having no idea of any definite Then the DEAN OF CASHEL proposed that when two-thirds of the lay and mileage, or charge per hour in his mind, feels really unable to hoist clerical orders agreed, and the bishops opposed, the whole Convention any standard of terms. He means to leave his payment to spontaneous should vote, and might pass the measure over the bishops' heads. On munificence, or to parsimony exalted into munificence by grumbling this LORD ABERCORN moved an amendment that a concurrence of seven and sarcasm. How to tabulate this proposal of fares he does not know. bishops should be necessary to give effect to the episcopal veto. There Therefore he cannot tell what flag to order. Let a proper one be seems to have been a sad muddle in the conduct of the voting on these provided for him, to hand. It must display no figures, only an inpropositions. GENERAL DUNNE objected, first, that the amendment was scription. His flag should be charged with the legend, put after the hour for adjournment. Then, that several speakers were you, Sir.". That is the banner which the now bannerless Cabby would unfairly estopped from speaking on the resolution; finally, that the like to drive under. President-Primate declared the amendment carried, though a division was called for.

The Primate, after explaining that the Church, in its present destitute condition, "had not been able to establish a clock," threw the blame on his watch, which he said, like many other things, was out of order. It had lost a quarter of an hour, and when its owner thought it was only five o'clock, it was, in fact, a quarter past. The Primate is not the first dignified Churchman who has trusted an untrustworthy dial, and found himself" behind the times" in consequence, by a good deal more than a quarter of an hour. Thanks to disestablishment, the Irish bishops are beginning to find out the time of day, even without clock. Their brethren of the English bench still trust to the clock of the House of Lords, and have not yet been forced by bitter experience and hard facts to "realise" the discovery how very much too slow is that antiquated time-piece.

QUESTION BY OUR LITTLE BOY.

a

"Sus" is Latin for pig, and "cado" means to kill. Please, then, may a pork-butcher be said to commit suicide, when he kills a pig?

Wheels.

POSSIBLE PUBLICATIONS.

"Leave it to

Ir it be true that nothing succeeds like success, we may expect that certain novels which have lately been successful will, ere long, be succeeded by successors like the following:On the Box: a 'Busman's Story, written by the Author of Beneath the What his Eye Saw: a Companion Story to the tale of What her Face The Golden Ophicleide: Variations on the tune of " The Tin Trumpet.” The Brains of Bernard: by the Author of The Tallants of Barton. Next Week, a Tale of To-Morrows: being a Sequel to Hitherto, a Story of Yesterdays.

Said.

Goeth Down like a Skittle: a Novel by the Author of Cometh up like a
Flower.

ONE UNCOMMON FEATURE ABOUT THE LAST NOTTINGHAM ELECTION.-Lamb without Mint Sauce.

STRAIGHT THROUGH FROM LONDON TO PARIS.-A SUGGESTION TO MR. JOHN FOWLER.

[graphic][graphic]

WHY SHOULD NOT A TRAIN BE MADE TO RUN SO FAST THAT BY MERE VIRTUE OF ITS ACQUIRED IMPETUS ACTING ON THE SQUARES OF THE DISTANCE, MULTIPLIED BY THE HYPOTHENUSE OF THE INCLINED PLANE &c., &c., &c.? (WE DON'T PROFESS TO BE PRACTICAL ENGINEERS, BUT HAVE NO DOUBT THAT A GLANCE AT THESE DESIGNS WILL SUGGEST VALUABLE NOTIONS TO THOSE WHO ARE NOW DEALING WITH THE VERY DIFFICULT QUESTION OF THE PASSAGE ACROSS THE CHANNEL.)

[graphic]
[ocr errors]

A FINE HEAD OF HUMBUG. DARTS WHEN will it become impossible for a respectable newspaper to publish the advertisement of a parcel of fibs such as that which we proceed to quote? It has been appearing for nearly the last two months :

EAUTIFUL HAIR FOR 1870.-Renew your Youth with the New Year. Get at once a bottle of's WORLD'S HAIR RESTORER. See how surely and quickly it does its work."

Paralysis? No, let us hope. But yes, if it contains lead. Pour into a small wineglassful of the "World's Hair Restorer" a few drops of solution of iodide of potassium in water. If the mixture turns deep yellow, the "World's Hair Restorer" does contain lead. But the work which you are invited to see how surely and quickly it does is that stated as follows:-

"Grey hair restored (not dyed) to its original colour, gloss, and beauty' the thin hair thickened and new growth promoted."

Any application whatsoever which changes the colour of grey hair surely and quickly must be a dye.

The remainder of this puff of the "World's Hair Restorer" may be serves still more to puzzle said to contain a certain amount of statement which, to be sure, is not the reverse of fact:

PEOPLE have been disputing the truth of that famous saying of DAVIES, KING JAMIE's Attorney-General (lately quoted by MR. GLADSTONE)," that no nation so loved indifferent justice as the Irish." It is quite true. What justice can be so indifferent as the wild justice of revenge"?

[ocr errors]

"No pomade or oil is required with it."

That may be. But as to the assertion that:"It is sure, safe, and reliable."

Its sureness, simpletons may need to be told, can depend only on its chemical action, which makes it inevitably stain the hair; if it is sure, it is surely a dye. Its safety depends on the questionable point, whether it contains lead or any other poison; say mercury-calomel for instance. Try it for calomel. Shake a little of it up with an equal quantity of lime-water, and see if it turns black.

"Reliable" the "World's Hair Restorer" may be, equally with the great majority of allegations to which that American vulgarism is commonly applied.

"No one can be disappointed with its effect, and with the New Year youth and beauty can be renewed."

it is only necessary to say that the "World's Hair Restorer" is not advertised by anybody who professes to carry on the business of MADAME RACHEL, pending her incarceration under sentence of penal servitude, and, as her representative, to continue making hags "beautiful for ever."

Hair Restorer.
Thus much is true, and more than true enough, as to the World's

"Sold by chemists and perfumers only in large bottles, 68."

are people, and perhaps a good many, who are fools enough to buy it It is too true that the "World's Hair Restorer" is sold; that there at 6s, a bottle. Let any one who has bought it get it analysed, and This stuff, however, selling at 6s, a bottle, non vili venit. see if it is worth as many pence. Fiat experimentum in corpore vili.

The site of the "Depot," where the "World's Hair Restorer" is sold, is one point more in which the advertisement of it can be believed, concluding in a piece of information which we need not proclaim.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

a

OUR table d'hôte party is very select. There are two gentlemen in state of progressive convalescence, who compare notes as to health across the table. A nervous person, who eats preserved peas with a knife, and has a jerky way, like an automaton-diner, with his fork and a bit of bread when eating fish. There are two Naval gentlemen, one a Commander and the other a Lieutenant. The Commander has been all over the world, and has a great story about a Mongoose. No one has heard the end of it, as he generally forgets a date or somebody's name essential to the dénouement of the Mongoose. Always thought till now that a Mongoose was humbug, like the Phoenix. The Lieutenant contradicts the Commander on most naval matters, but has never seen a Mongoose. There is a charming old gentleman who has translated ÆSCHYLUS and EURIPIDES into English verse: he has been complimented by the greatest scholars of the day, and his publishers have just sent him in his bill for printing, and a letter to know what the deuce they shall do with the first thousand. We talk together about Greek poets.

"

Happy Thought.-Take up Greek again. Read HOMER. Old gentleman quotes passages. Of course I remember, he says to me, the passage in the Iliad commencing " Dinamenos potty," &c. Of course I don't. Happy Thought.-To encourage him, say, as if cogitating, "Yes," dubiously, "I fancy I recollect the gist of the passage." ""Ah!" he replies, "and what would you make of the epithet there; an epithet used only once, as I believe, in that sense by HOMER, or any later Greek poet ? can make nothing of it, and leave it to him. What does he make of it? That," he returns, "has always been his difficulty." Don't like to ask what epithet he means. Happy Thought. To quote carelessly "Poluphoisboio Thalasses," and I say with enthusiasm, "Ah, there's an epithet! How grand and full is the Greek language!" Luckily at this moment the Commander asks me if I've heard what he was telling the Doctor about the Mongoose, and the waiter hands the sauer-kraut (excellent dish!!) to the trans

[ocr errors]

lator of ESCHYLUS.

[ocr errors]

When we sit late and have Champagne, as is the case on Sundays or on the departure of a friend or a birthday, we all get into philosophical discussion, all except the Commander and the Lieutenant, who nearly come to high words (invariably) on points of seamanship, as to whether it is better or not, in a storm, to rig the boom taffrail, or pay out the gaff. The Commander appeals to our common sense in behalf of the boom taffrail, and the Lieutenant observes scornfully, that "Any one who knows how to sail a vessel would immediately pay out the gaff.' Happy Thought. To say, conciliatingly, "Well, I suppose it doesn't much matter.' They retort, Oh, doesn't it!" and explain. More Champagne. The Commander afterwards takes me aside and depreciates the Lieutenant's theories in confidence. The Lieutenant takes DYNGWELL apart, and says he should be very sorry to be sailing under his (the Commander's) orders. DYNGWELL observes, "That both the nautical Cockalorums have been going on the scoop, and are slightly moppy." By which we understand him to mean, that the two naval officers have

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

had as much as is bad for them.

Happy Thought.-A naval officer half-seas over. (Think this out, and put it down to SYDNEY SMITH.)

First Day of Fourth Week at Aix.-I am quite well. Three more douches, two vapours, and four ordinary baths will settle the question. Happy Thought.-Present DR. CASPAR with a testimonial; say the first volume of Typical Developments, when it appears, with plates. Anatomy" (under A) will interest him.

Letter from FRIDDY. I must come back, she says-
Happy Thought.-Nice to be written to affectionately.

I turn over the page: she continues, "-or send a cheque." It appears I've stayed away longer than she expected. The baby is less rashy than he was. Regret that I must go home before I've got on with my German.

4 German Lesson-My Professor of languages is the most amiable, patient, and persevering gentleman. He is much tried by CAPTAIN DYNGWELL, to whom he has been for some time giving lessons. DYNGWELL invariably salutes him he is Doctor-of-Law or some degree or other, and a man with whom anyone of a philosophic turn would at once commence discussing German metaphysics or deep and interesting psychological questions; but DYNGWELL invariably salutes him with a slap on the back, a hearty slap on the back, or with a pretended lunge of his walking-stick into the professor's fifth rib, making him wince but smile, and addressing him as, "Hullo! old Cockalorum! Sprechen-Sie Deutsch?"

At first I ascertain the Professor went home and looked out

"Cockalorum in the dictionary-he is a great man for roots and derivations, and knows BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER, MASSINGER, SHAKSPEARE, and most old standard authors by heart. Not finding Cockalorum in any known glossary, he gets near it as a probable genitive plural of Cock-a-leekie, and humbly sets this down to his

[ocr errors]

ignorance of Scotch dialects. Later on, he determines, after a night's deep'thought, that it is a corruption of Custos Rotulorum, and announces this as an interesting philological discovery to DYNGWELL, who receives the information with his glass in his eye and the remark, that it's Whatever you please, my little dear, only blow your nose and don't breathe upon the glasses." To which he gives an air of authority, very confusing to the Professor, by adding, hem! SHAKSPEARE," which causes the good Herr another sleepless night in his library. Happy Thought.-Explain DYNGWELL to him.

To assist me in reading German, the Professor kindly takes me to his We have an interesting discussion on ancient and modern slang. Club; an excellent social club with a reading-room full of newspapers, German, French, and English. I take up the something Zeitung, and am helpless. End by reading the Times. Commence German Lesson. Read and translate out of German into English, and back again. The principal characters in the exercise are DYNGWELL is satisfied with this sort of thing, and copies out reams of the shoemaker and the tailor, and, of course, my father and my mother. examples.

new exercise book. My Professor is pleased with the idea as original. Happy Thought.-Make my own examples and gradually compile a I make selections on paper, modelling them on AHN's La Langue Allemande.

Examples for the Use of Students (might include these in Typ. Devel.) -The shoemaker is sad. The father of the shoemaker is fat. The wife of the gardener has given an umbrella to the shoemaker. The mother of the carpenter was often in my garden. Will you fight the gardener ? No, HENRY will fight the gardener, because the shoemaker is ill (krank). Here is FERDINAND! Have you washed your boots? Yes, my mother, have also washed the boots of the gardener.

nine o'clock with the wife of the shoemaker. Have you seen my For more Advanced Students.-At what hour do you sup? I sup at brother? No: but I have written to my uncle and my aunt. Will you eat some ham? No: I will not eat some ham. The lion is ill. The shoemaker laughs at the gardener's aunt (ie., the aunt of the gardener). Your cousin was looking for his hat while the merchant was dancing. The hound is not so fat as the cat (als die Katze). Your father was playing in the garden with your uncle when the lion I dance better than you, but you do your exercises better than I. came. The industrious schoolboy is loved by everybody. My neighbour has sold his chickens to the lion. The coachman is eating plums and apples, and we have wine and beer. Give me some soup, some wine, some beer, some sugar, some vegetables, and some ink, and do not call me till four in the morning. The tailor is here, so is the shoemaker, but the lion has eaten the gardener.

has eaten the tailor, the shoemaker, the gardener, their aunts and Happy Thought.- (Finishing sentence to the exercise.) The big lion uncles, the brothers and neighbours, and also the ink, the sugar, the tea, the cream, the ham, the plums, and the boots.

Happy Thought.-To astonish FRIDDY with a letter in Germar. much besser; in fact, quite well. Hast du mein cheque-buch gefunden? Write home and say, "Meine liebe Frau, I am not krank now, but very Ich habe mein bad genommen. Ich habe mein cheque-buch nicht. Bist du krank?"

Capital exercise the above.

DR. CASPAR Compliments me on being thinner. I feel pleased.
Note that generally every one is pleased at being thinner.

Go and get weighed at MISS HELENTHALER'S tobacconist shop. Every one gets weighed here. Wonderful how MISS CATHERINE, who keeps the shop, speaks English perfectly without ever having been in England. Wonder if I should ever speak German without going to Germany, or even with going to Germany.

Note. A writer in the Daily Telegraph, whose article I see here, describes two gardens as existing at Aix, One, he says called after the faithless spouse of MENELAUS. There is no such place. There is the Elisa Garden, and there is MISS HELENTHALER (i.e. MISS CATHERINE), who is much amused at being called a garden.

Happy Thought.-Write to Daily T. and correct mistake.
Happy Thought.-Leave it alone.

I shall be sorry to leave. The longer one stays in Aachen, the more you learn of the people, the pleasanter it is.

But POPGOOD AND GROOLLY call; or rather, as they haven't answered my telegrams, I really must go and see what's the matter.

there with her mother. On thinking this out (nothing like thinking a Happy Thought.-Return home by Paris. Ask FRIDDY to meet me thing out), decide that it's better (besser) not to ask her. Shall like a few days holiday in Paris.

the Professor, CASPAR, and DYNGWELL. Happy Thought.-Celebrate my convalescence by a dinner given to

THE BEST RECOMMENDATION OF THE IRISH LAND BILL.-The clamour of the National Press against it.

« PreviousContinue »