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THE QUEST OF THE HOLY POKER.
(4 Fragment overlooked by the Poet-Laureate.)
Thus ebb’d and flow'd the ocean of small talk
Between us twain, we wending, till, at length, vants ? Free trade has
We neared the yawning chasm but newly bridged failed at present to improve
By Cyclopean art, too fondly deemed them or their vehicles, as
Omnipotent; since steps of restless men
And thundering wains had rent the granite piers
That bore the mass. We passed to where the wand
Of magian deft had smit down Middle Row mised, with their drivers
And given Holborn to the smile of Day dressed in livery,and handing
And MARTIN: turned the angle of the street us a ticket with their num
Where CHATTERTON, indignant, spurned the world ; bers and their fares ! We
When lo, upon our gaze monastic piles may as well expect to find
Flashed suddenly, and many a sad-robed priest an oyster in a cabbage as a
And spinster, habited in garb of eld, ticket proffered to us when
Sped ever to the shrine, Awhile we stood we jump into a cab. Yet
Musing of Time's mutations, as we marked
How strangely showed the ways of Moyen Age
So found I then a voice : "And deemest thou,
Young neophyte, the object of thy seareb,
The Holy Poker of Mosaic fame, and give more power to the
Lies yonder in St, Alban's sanctuary p." elbows of inspectors and
He, wondering, spread abroad his cloak of serge, police. Refuse to license
Wrought in correctest shape by Cox & Co., rickety hansoms and ram.
And underneath his wide-rimmed billycock, shackle four-wheelers, such
Showing a face all wan with pious fasts as now for dirty night-work
And lengthened macerations, thus unbosomed
His ardent hopes
“Was it not yonder priest,
cleanliness The holy HERIOT, who, in former days, by every practicable means.
Led, to the blazing of five hundred dips, Give rewards for all the articles, especially umbrellas, which are
The faithful in procession ? Was't not he brought to the Lost Office when left in any cab. Dismiss all drunkards,
Who, when the Arches Court forbade to kneel, and extortioners, and users of foul language, upon the first well
Fell back on genuflexions, splitting hairs ? proved offence. Encourage competition for every vacant drivership,
And, when he “elevated," drew the line and choose the right man for the place by the test of an examination
At the low limit of his proper cranium ? paper such as this :
Is it not here that every olden rite
And custom banished by the advancing tide 1. How long have you studied the topography of London! And to Of common sense (so-called) yet liveth still what points of the suburbs does your knowledge now extend ?
With feline immortality? Then here 2. Describe the shortest cut from Highbury to Houndsditch; and
We well may deem, if doomed at all to find state by what routes you would drive a countryman, a foreigner, and The relic, that success shall crown our quest.” a London lawyer's clerk; and what would be the fare demanded in each case.
So saying, we sought the cloister. Yet before 3. When you are asked to carry luggage from your cab into a house,
Its ponderous gate clashed on our entering steps, whereof the door is opened by a footman in plush breeches, do you or
A passing minstrel, fresh from Leather Lane, not consider you are privileged to grumble, unless paid a shilling extra Of garb Italian, tuned his organ-pipe for saving him the job?
To accents of contagious melody 4. Under what provocation do you deem yourself entitled to call a
Sung nightly by the bards in WESTON's Hall : no gentleman”? Would you do so for his giving you a trifle
And from the circling crowd, one little voice, less than double what you know is the right fare?
Clear as the shrill pipe of an Echo-boy, 5. If you found left in your cab a purse of coin, an opera-glass, a
Took up the sweet refrain-Act on the Square. packet of sandwiches, a cigar-case, a portmanteau,, an overcoat, a
SONG. pocket-book, a flask of sherry, an old walking-stick and a bran new silk umbrella, which of these articles, if any, would you take to Scotland
“Oye who seek to find, yet, soeking, miss 6. If you were hailed simultaneously by a gentleman with a small
The seeker's goal, and crown of all success ; hand-bag and a gentleman with three ladies and a quantity of luggage,
If seeking, still ye search-Act on the Square. by whom would you consider that you were first engaged 7. Under what circumstances do you think it pays to be insulting to
II. a lady?
Fain would ye hear the words from friendly lips 8. With what per-centage of excess upon the proper legal fare do
Fall like a benediction 'All serene P' you consider yourself satisfied, after candidly professing utter ignorance
Be this your motto still-Act on the Square. of distance, and humbly saying to a swell that "you leaves it to his honour”? 9. Do you consider yourself privileged to smoke inside your cab?
O sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, flying south, And if so, what excuses can you invent for doing so ?
Or east, or west, or north-north-east-by-east! 110. How much short of half a sovereign would tempt you on a wet
Be this thy chart of Alight-Act on the Square." night from Regent Street to Hampstead ? 11. Suppose a swell in Piccadilly were to tell you to drive him to
Deeming the words prophetic of our quest, Whitechapel, in how many miles and hours would you reach your
We left the world behind the gate, and passed. destination? What amount of fare would your honesty of conscience permit you to demand? And, in case of a dispute, what vehemence of language could you adduce to back your statement that "the streets
A Suggestion for Mr. Scudamore. is most all hup, and so we 'ad to come a bit sirskewertous”? 12. When hired by the hour, has your wish to give good money's
THE Clerk in the Government Telegraph Office that really wants worth ever lured you to such speed, that you have felt yourself in cashiering is the Clerk of the Weather. He has been a general nuisance danger of a fine for furious driving ?
lately, and has done all he could to upset the new system, with only too much success.
THE REAL BRIDGEWATER CANAL.-The Voter's Breeches-Pocket.
A LAW SUIT.-Wig, Gown, and Bands.
Have made with much verbosity,
But don't preach Reciprocity.
But what good's luminosity,
Why there's no Reciprocity?
No jot of animosity,
If there's no Reciprocity.
Our exports, 'tis monstrosity
When there's no Reciprocity.
We can't see, from callosity,
But we want Reciprocity.
You say, with speciosity,
Then where's the Reciprocity ?
Proceeding from jocosity.
But cry for Reciprocity.
Don't waken our ferocity,
Is "Give us Reciprocity!”
Very Needful. THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER seems to think that Government might undertake the insurance of our lives. There is one way, certainly, in which Government might do this with great advantage-by obliging Railway Companies to take better care of them.
LOOK AT THE CLOCK.
THE CAB OF NO COLOURS. (4 Hint to the Bench.)
A Good many cabs are now seen surmounted with the flag specifying The Dublin Charch Convention has been a characteristically their fares, prescribed by the HOME SECRETARY. Not a few, however, stormy one--especially on the question of the episcopal veto. The remain upprovided with any such ensign. Wherefore ? Not necesBishops wanted an absolute power of saying no to any proposal, lay sarily
from mere contumacy on the part of the cabman or his employer. or clerical. This has been refused them point-blank. Then the
In general, probably, because Cabby, having no idea of any definite DEAN OF CASHEL proposed that when two-thirds of the lay and mileage, or charge per hour in his mind, feels really unable to hoist clerical orders agreed, and the bishops opposed, the whole Convention any standard of terms. He means to leave his payment to spontaneous should vote, and might pass the measure over the
bishops' heads. On munificence, or to parsimony exalted into munificence by grumbling this LORD ÁBERCORN moved an amendment that a concurrence of seven
and sarcasm. How to tabulate this proposal of fares he does not know. bishops should be necessary to give effect to the episcopal veto. There Therefore he cannot tell what flag to order. Let a proper ono be seems to have been a sad muddle in the conduct of the voting on these provided for him, to hand. It must display po figures, only an in
Leave it to propositions. GENERAL DUNNE objected, first, that the amendment was scription, His flag, should be charged with the legend, put after the hour for adjournment. Then, that several speakers were you, Sir.". That is the banner which the now bannerless Cabby would
like to drive under. unfairly estopped from speaking on the resolution; finally, that the President-Primate declared the amendment carried, though a division was called to te, after explaining that the Church, in its present destitute
POSSIBLE PUBLICATIONS. condition," had not been able to establish a clock,” threw the blame If it be true that nothing succeeds like success, we may expect that on his watch, which he said, like many other things, was out of order. certain novels which have lately been successful will, ere long, be sucIt had lost a quarter of an hour, and when its owner thought it was ceeded by successors like the following: only five o'clock, it was, in fact, a quarter past. The Primate is not on the Box: a 'Busman's Story, written by the Author of Beneath the the first dignified Churchman who has trusted an untrustworthy dial, and found himself" behind the times” in consequence, by a good deal What his Eye Saw: a Companion Story to the tale of What her Face
Wheels. more than a quarter of an hour. Thanks to disestablishment, the
Said. Irish bishops are beginning to find out the time of day, even without clock. Their brethren of the English bench still trust to the clock of The Golden Ophicleide : Variations on the tune of “ The Tin Trumpet.” the House of Lords, and have not yet been forced by bitter experience Next Week, a Tale of To-Morrows : being a Sequel to Hitherto, a Story
The Brains of Bernard: by the Author of The Tallants of Barton. and hard facts to realise” the discovery how very much too slow is that antiquated time-piece.
of Yesterdays. Goeth Doron like a Skittle : a Novel by the Author of Cometh up like a
Flower. QUESTION BY OUR LITTLE BOY. Sus” is Latin for pig, and "cædo” means to kill. Please, then, ONE UNCOMMON FEATURE ABOUT THE LAST NOTTINGHAM ELECmay a pork-butcher be said to commit suicide, when he kills a pig? TION.-Lamb without Mint Sauce.
WHY SHOULD NOT A TRAIN BE MADE TO RUN so FAST THAT BY MERE VIRTJE OF ITS ACQUIRED IMPETUS ACTING ON THE SQUARES OF THE DISTANCE, MULTIPLIED BY THE HYPOTHENUSE OF THE INCLINED PLANE &c., &c., &c. ? (We Don'T PROFESS TO BE PRACTICAL ENGINEERS, BUT HAVE NO DOUBT THAT A GLANCE AT THESE DESIGNS WILL SUGGEST VALUABLE NOTIONS TO THOSE WHO ARE NOW DEALING WITH THE VERY DIFFICULT QUESTION OF THE PASSAGE ACROSS THE CHANNEL.) A PUZZLE FROM PARIS.
A FINE HEAD OF HUMBUG. UR intelligence is puzzled to WHEN will it become impossible for a respectable newspaper to make out this fashionable publish the advertisement of a parcel of fibs such as that which we morsel of intelligence :- proceed to quote? It has been appearing for nearly the last two "Imagine a skirt of groseille
months :faille ornamented on the front , a BEAUTIFUL #ange Hobbit:1872EAUTIFUL HAIR FOR 1870.-Renew your Youth with the New
-'s WORLD'S HAIR RBSTORER. of old Bruges guipure, framed see how surely and quickly it does its work." as it were with a double bouil. lonné of velvet, of the shade Paralysis ? No, let us hope. But yes, if it contains lead. Pour called prune de Monsieur, into a small wineglassful of the “ World's Hair Restorer” a few drops Bodice with a point in front and of solution of iodide of potassium in water. 'If the mixture turns deep a basque at the back, made of yellow, the "World's Hair Restorer” does contain lead. But the prune de Monsieur faille
, cut work which you are invited to see how surely and quickly it does is
By the aid of a French the thin hair thickened and new growth promoted.”
groseille" means a goose surely and quickly must be a dye.
It must be a dye,
That stuff that you buy,
Like a fool that you are for believing a lie.
“No pomade or oil is required with it."
conceive. We also find that That may be. But as to the assertion that :-
“ It is sure, safe, and reliable."
means an Orleans plum; and we may admit that the colour of this fruit is certainly a plummy colour Its sureness, simpletons may need to be told, can depend only on its for a dress. But how can we imagine a lady wearing articles so mas chemical action, which makes it inevitably stain the hair; if it is sure, it culine as "braces," unless, indeed, she does so in a figurative manner, is surely a dye. Its safety depends on the questionable point, whether it with certain other clothing, wbich indicates the grey mare to be the contains lead or any other poison; say mercury-calomel for instance. better horse ?
Try it for calomel. Shake a little of it up with an equal quantity of lime-water, and see if it turns black.
“Reliable" the "World's Hair Restorer” may be, equally with the FREE AND EASY VERSIONS OF THE CLASSICS.! great majority of allegations to which that American vulgarism is It is not only at Rome, it appears, that Latin is at a discount. The commonly applied.
As to the assurance that:advice given by Punch some weeks since, in reference to the prelates assembled at the Ecumenical Council, “Look up your Latin,” may be “No one can be disappointed with its effect, and with the New Year youth applied nearer home. MR. BELLEW's librettist, who has interpolated and beauty can be renewed." the Hymn of St. Ambrose into Hamlet, thus freely, not to say wildly, it is only necessary to say that the "World's Hair Restorer” is not translates Gallus arguit canentes : "The cock scolds those lying in advertised by anybody who professes to carry on the business of bed!" On the dissected "crib” principle so popular with small MADAME RACHEL, pending her incarceration under sentence of penal schoolboys, we
presume the words would run thus : Gallus, the cock, servitude, and, as her representative, to continue making hags" beauarguit, scolds, canentes, those lying in bed. This reminds one very tiful for ever." forcibly of the student's rendering of otuou témanyuas, in the Agamemnon of ÆschyLUS: "O dear, I'm blowed!”. Punch is tempted to Hair Restorer.
Thus much is true, and more than true enough, as to the World's append a few "tentative renderings” on this free and easy principle:
“Sold by chemists and perfumers only in large bottles, 68." 1. Arma virumque cano. A classical expression of the adage." Spare the rod, and spoil the child.”. Translation : Arma, our arms, virumque,
It is too true that the "World's Hair Restorer” is sold ; that there and our strength, (are) cano, in the cane.
are people, and perhaps a good many, who are fools enough to buy it 2. Ne sutor ultra crepidam. “Always be off with the old love before at 68: a bottle. Let any one who has bought it get it analysed, and you are on with the new." Literal translation : Ne, let not, sutor, the This stuff, however, selling at 68, a bottle, non vili venit.
see if it is worth as many pence. Fiat experimentum in corpore dili. suitor, (go) ultra, beyond, crepidam, the last. 3. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori. HORACE's tribute to his sold, is one point more in which the advertisement of it can be believed,
The site of the “ Depot," where the World's Hair Restorer" is Papa's worth. A beautiful sentiment. Translation: Mori, the character, pro patriá, of my father, est, was, dulce et decorum, sweet and concluding in a piece of information which we need not
4. Persicos odi, puer, apparatus. Scientific. Apparatus, an apparatus, persicos, for dispersing, puer odi, the pure Od force.
BOUNDING ON THE STAGE. 5. Stat magni nominis umbra. The explanation of a very common loss. Translation : Nominis umbra, no man's umbrella, stat magni, particular star of the St. Petersburg Opera, has got into a scrape for
Galignani says that MADAME GANDON, "who seems to be a bright stands for much (i.e. is worth much). 6. Judex damnatur cum nocens absolvitur. Applicable to the Clerken: for that misbehaviour, "and the Court fined her eighty roubles for
being too demonstrative in her dancing. She has been regularly tried well Court. language, cum, when, nocens, no sense, absolvitur, is talked by counsel. gestures out of all bounds." Bounds, such as those of a fawn or a
kangaroo, certainly ought to be the limits of choregraphic display: Should MR. BELLEW propose introducing "Ritual Music” into his Our own British sylphs of the ballet, as fashionable society is well next reading of John Gilpin, or BARHAM's Babes in the Wood, Mr. aware, are accustomed to confine their feats of agility and grace to Punch will be happy to do the translations for the libretto.
pirouettes, capers, and steps of which none exceed the bounds of elegance.
Justice for Ireland.
Worth Knowing. PEOPLE bave been disputing the truth of that famous saying of
PERHAPŞ it is not generally known that one of the greatest improveDAVIES, KING JAMIE'S Attorney-General (lately quoted by Mr. ments in photographic portraiture can be traced back to the celebrated GLADSTONE)," that no nation so loved indifferent justice as the Irish.'
French philosopher-DES CARTES. It is quite true. What justice can be so indifferent as the wild justice of revenge”?
PLAYING AT DRAUGHTS.--The Ventilation of our Law Courts.
ignorance of Scotch dialects. Later on, he determines, after a night's MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
deep'thought, that it is a corruption of Custos Rotulorum, and announces
this as an interesting philological discovery to DYNGWELL, who reOUR table d'hôte party is very select. There are two gentlemen in a ceives the information with his glass in his eye and the remark, that it's state of progressive convalescence, who compare notes as to health across “Whatever you please, my little dear, only blow your nose and don't the table. A nervous person, who eats preserved peas with a knife, breathe upon the glasses.” To which he gives an air of authority, very and has a jerky way, like an automaton-diner, with his fork and a bit confusing to the Professor, by adding, "hem! SHAKSPEARE,” which of bread when eating fish. There are two Naval gentlemen, one a causes the good Herr another sleepless night in his library. Commander and the other a Lieutenant. The Commander has been
Happy Thought.-Explain DYNGWELL to him. has heard the end of it, as he generally forgets a date or somebody's To assist me in reading German, the Professor kindly takes me to his all over the world, and has a great story about a Mongoose. No one
We have an interesting discussion on ancient and modern slang. name essential to the denouement of the Mongoose. Always thought Club; an excellent social club with a reading-room full of newspapers, till now that a Mongoose was humbug, like the Phønix. The Lieutenant contradicts the Commander on most naval matters, but has German, French, and English.
I take up the something Zeitung, and am helpless. End by reading never seen a Mongoose. There is a charming old gentleman who has
the Times. translated ÆSCHYLUS and EURIPIDES into English verse : he has been
Commence German Lesson. Read and translate out of German into complimented by the greatest scholars of the day, and his publishers the deuce they shall do with the first thousand. We talk together about DYNGWELL is satisfied with this sort of thing, and copies out reams of have just sent him in his bill for printing, and a letter to know what English, and back again. The principal characters in the exercise are
the shoemaker and the tailor, and, of course, my father and my mother. Greek poets.
examples. Happy Thought.Take up Greek again. Read HOMER. Old gentleman quotes passages. Of course I remember, he says to me, the passage new exercise book. My Professor is pleased with the idea as original
Happy Thought.—Make my own examples and gradually compile a in the Iliad commencing " Dinamenos potty,” &c. Of course
I make selections on paper, modelling them on Ahn's La Langue Happy Thought. To encourage him, say, as if cogitating, , Yes,” Allemande. dubiously, “I fancy I recollect the gist of the passage."
Ah!” he re
Examples for the Use of Students (might include these in Typ. Devel.) plies, “and what would you make of the epithet there; an epithet used only once, as I believe, in that sense by HOMER, or any later Greek The shoemaker is sad. The father
of the shoemaker is fat. The wife can make nothing of it, and leave it to him. What does the of the gardener has given an umbrella to the shoemaker. The mother make of it ? " That," he returns, " has always been his difficulty." No, Henry will fight the gardener, because the shoemaker is ill (krank).
of the carpenter was often in my garden. Will you fight the gardener ? Don't like to ask what epithet he means.
Here is FERDINAND! Have you washed your boots? Yes, my mother, Happy Thought.—To quote carelessly "Poluphoisboio
Thalasses, and I bave also washed the boots of the gardener. say with enthusiasm,.“ Ah, there's an epithet! How grand and full is the Greek language!” Luckily at this moment the Commander asks nine o'clock with the wife of the shoemaker. Have you seen my
For more Advanced Students.-At what hour do you sup? I sup at me if I've heard what he was telling the Doctor about the Mongoose, brother? No: but I have written to my uncle and my aunt. Will and the waiter hands the sauer-kraut (excellent dish!!) to the trans- you eat some ham? No: I will not eat some ham. The lion is ill. lator of ÆSCHYLUS.
The shoemaker laughs at the gardener's aunt (i, e., the aunt of the When we sit late and have Champagne, as is the case on Sundays or on the departure of a friend or a birthday, we all get into philosophical gardener). Your cousin was looking for his hat while the merchant discussion, all except the Commander and the Lieutenant, who nearly was dancing. The
hound is not so fat as the cat (als die Katze). come to high words (invariably) on points of seamanship, as to whether your father was playing in the garden with your uncle when the lion
I dance better than you, but you do your exercises better than I. it is better or not, in a storm, to rig the boom taffrail, or pay out the came. The industrious schoolboy is loved by everybody. My neighbour gaff. The Commander appeals to our common sense in behalf of the has sold his chickens to the lion. The coachman is eating plums and boom taffrail, and the Lieutenant observes scornfully, that “. Any one apples, and we have wine and beer. Give me some soup, some wine; who knows how to sail a vessel would immediately pay out the gaff.”
some beer, some sugar, some vegetables, and some ink, and do not call Happy Thought.—To say, conciliatingly, "Well, I suppose it doesn't me till four in the morning. The tailor is here, so is the shoemaker, much matter."
but the lion has eaten the gardener. They retort, "Oh, doesn't it!" and explain. More Cha
. Champagne. The Commander afterwards takes me aside and depreciates the Lieu. has eaten the tailor, the shoemaker, the gardener, their aunts and
Happy Thought.- (Finishing sentence to the exercise.) The big lion tenant's theories in confidence. The Lieutenant takes DYNGWELL uncles, the brothers and neighbours, and also the ink, the sugar, the apart, and says he should be very sorry to be sailing under his (the tea, the cream, the ham, the plums, and the boots. Commander's) orders. DyngweLL observes, “That both the nautical Cockalorums have been going on the scoop, and are slightly moppy.'
Happy Thought.-To astonish FRIDDY with a letter in Germav. By which we understand him to mean, that the two naval officers have Write home and say, “Meine liebe
Frau, I am not krank now, but very had as much as is bad for them.
much besser ; in fact, quite well. Hast du mein cheque-buch gefunden? Happy Thought.-A naval officer half-seas over. (Think this out, and du krank ?”
Ich habe mein bad genommen. Ich habe mein cheque-buch nicht. Bist put it down to SYDNEY SMITH.)
Capital exercise the above. First Day of Fourth Week at Aix.- I am quite well. Three more DR. CASPAR compliments me on being thinner. I feel pleased. douches, two vapours, and four ordinary baths will settle the question. Note that generally every one is pleased at being thinner.
Happy Thought.-Present DR. CASPAR with a testimonial; say Go and get weighed at Miss HELENTHALER's tobacconist shop. the first volume of Typical Developments, when it appears, with plates. Every one gets weighed here. Wonderful how Miss CATHERINE, who 'Anatomy” (under A) will interest him.
keeps the shop, speaks English perfectly without ever having been in Letter from FRIDDY. I must come back, she says
England. Wonder if I should ever speak German without going to Happy Thought.-Nice to be written to affectionately.
Germany, or even with going to Germany. I turn over the page : she continues, or send a cheque." It appears
Note.-A writer in the Daily Telegraph, whose article I see here, I've stayed away longer than she expected. The baby is less rashy describes two gardens as existing at Xix, One, he says called after the than he was. Regret that I must go home before I've got on with faithless spouse of MENELAUS. There is no such place. There is the my German.
Elisa Garden, and there is Miss HELENTHALER (i.e. Miss CATHERINE), 4 German Lesson. My Professor of languages is the most amiable, who is much amused at being called a garden. patient, and persevering gentleman. He is much tried by CAPTAIN Happy Thought.-Write to Daily T. and correct mistake. DYNGWELL, to whom he has been for some time giving lessons. Happy Thought.-Leave it alone. DYNGWELL invariably salutes him-he is Doctor-of-Law or some I shall be sorry to leave. The longer one stays in Aachen, the more degree or other, and a man with whom anyone of a pbilosophic turn you learn of the people, the pleasanter it is. would at once commence discussing German metaphysics or deep and But POPGOOD AND GROOLLY call; or rather, as they haven't answered interesting psychological questions; but DYNGWELL invariably salutes my telegrams, I really
must go and see what's
the matter. him with a slap on the back, a hearty slap on the back, or with a pretended lunge of his walking-stick into the professor's fifth rib, making there with her mother. On thinking this out (nothing like thinking a
Happy Thought.-— Return home by Paris. Ask FRIDDY to meet me him wince but smile, and addressing him as, “ Hullo ! old Cockalorum ! thing out), decide that it's better (besser) not to ask her. Shall like a Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"
few days holiday in Paris. At first I ascertain the Professor went home and looked out Cockalorum" in the dictionary—he is a great man for roots and the Professor, CASPAR, and DYNGWELL.
Happy Thought.-Celebrate my convalescence by a dinner given to derivations, and knows BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER, MASSINGER, SHAKSPEARE, and most old standard authors by heart. Not finding Cockalorum in any known glossary, he gets near it as a probable THE BEST RECOMMENDATION OF THE IRISH LAND BILL.-The genitive plural of Cock-a-leekie, and humbly sets this down to his clamour of the National Press against it.