Page images
PDF
EPUB

Y

[ocr errors]

MR. Toll should be instituted to succeed MR. CALCRAFT, the Herald's
CANDIDATES FOR THE CARNIFICATE. College should furnish him with a fitting coat-of-arms, whereunto the

motto might be Tollere Vitam."
ACANCY! The Western Morn-
ing News announces the re-
tirement of MR. CALCRAFT

THE NEW GREAT EASTERN.
from the high and important
office of which he has now SCENE Private Dining Room. The ARCHBISHOP OF SYRA is being
for so many years discharged
the duties with firmness and

entertained and interviewed. dexterity. Our occidental Dean Stanley. I am delighted to see your Grace here. (Passes some and matutinal contemporary Greek wine to the Archbishop.) does not enable us to state

Archbishop (knowingly, in most modern Greek). 'Q vw @avku. 'Ikavyet the amount of retiring pen. dicat@hi thoptoopue. (The Guests drink Greek wine out of compliment sion which will be awarded to their visitor.) to the ex-Executioner; but Ebor. After luncheon a few friends are going to present you with an we trust it will be sufficient address on behalf of the English Church. It's the same sort of idea for the maintenance of the as the Provincial Mayors and Mayoresses giving that present the other dignitysuitable to a Peerage, day to the KING OF THE BELGIANs in the name of England. should HER MAJESTY be Mr. Purchas (from Brighton, on his knees). Will your Holiness advised to conferthat honour permit me to kiss the hem of your robe ? (Is permitted, and carefully on a gentleman who, by his examines it. Aside to himself:) My! What a beauty, I'll get my consteady and unflinching vin- gregation to subscribe for a suit of dittos like this for me. (Takes a dication of the law, through mental photograph of the material and cut. Aloud :) I thank your

out a lengthened career, Holiness in the name of the English Branch of the Catholic Church. EG

has achieved renown so Dean Stanley (laughing). Branch! Yes, MR. PURCHAS, it strikes extensive that it has made his name a household word.

me that you ’ve rather lately been, as the ibiórai have it, “ Up a tree.” The estimation in which the arduous office so long and so worthily (To the ARCHBISHOP OF SYRA.) May I assist your Grace to a little filled by MR. CALCRAFT is generally held may be computed from the fact more? The undercnt ! that no less than 134 applications have been made, by so many gentle- Archbishop of Syra. Ιφυ πλής. Υρδιννερς άρε έξελλεντ. Μα ίβη περmen, for the lucrative honour of being appointed his successor. This ultTed zdokpop cũu roptep Ivoted 00 0Topt. number has, by the authorities with whom that appointment rests, Dean Stanley. A Taulas ! I mean, here waiter, the tankard to his Grace. been reduced to seven, from whom the final choice is to be made. Dean Alford (after dinner). Permit me, in honour of our distinguished What principle will determine the selection, we do not know; but visitor, to propose a toast. My Lords and Gentlemen, let us drink the analogy may suggest that of competitive examination. One of the health of " LIDDELL and Scott.. (Drunk with three times three.) seven candidates, spoken of as peculiarly adapted for the situation Dean Stanley (finishing his speech). I congratulate the Archbishop on which they aspire to, is already a member of the Civil Service, being a being the nearest approach to the High Priest of Apollo that I have workman employed in the boat-house at the Devonport Dockyard, ever, as yet, had the pleasure of meeting. I regret that my esteemed named Tott. Previously to his entrance on his present occupation friend, LORD LYTTON, is not here to tell us something about the MR. TOLL is said to have enjoyed a popular celebrity as a "clever pig- Pythoness. killer." From this circumstance it may be inferred that the employ- Bishop of London. She was in my diocese. That is, if the Zoological ment which he is now desirous of embracing will, should he succeed in Gardens is in my diocese. (Makes a note of it; in order to send a obtaining it, be a labour of love. Phrenology suggests that MR. TOLL" suffragan to look after the matter.) is one of those persons whose brains are distinguished by an exceed- Guests (sedately). Order! Chair! ingly large development of the Organ of Benevolence, which in his Dean Stanley. Never mind DR. JACKSON, Gentlemen : I suppose he case causes the sentiment associated with it to take the direction of has a right to come out strongly at a " London Dinner," being himself desiring to minimise the inconvenience inflicted in the necessary des- an' Ordinary, (Laughter, during which the Bishop, in his nervousness, truction of life. Of course a pretty full allowance of Destructiveness pours some Sherry over his apron, and wonders what his wife will say to must be supposed co-existent with Benevolence to give it this turn, him when he gets home.) I welcome the ARCHBISHOP OF SYRA-or and a phrenologist would expect to find that combination exemplified à propos of Apollo, let us say the ARCHBISHOP OF LYRA. (Looks towards by the head of MR. TOLL. Hitherto MR. TOLL has limited the exercise his Grecian Grace, who bows and smiles affably thenceforth to the end of of his modified humanity to conferring, euthanasia on those lower the sitting at interoals of three minutes.), I see by his pleased counteanimals which by his dexterity in slaying he earned the name for clever- nance he doesn't understand one word I am saying-(Hear! Hear! ness above specified. He now, apparently seeks, installed' in the room Archbishop bows violently)—but I am delighted that he should be of MR. CALCRAFT, to gratify an amiably destructive impulse by ex- among us at this little dinner, because it shows that there is something tending the benefit of that peculiar cleverness to condemned criminals, in common between the Two Churches. Gentlemen, whatever else we and dismissing them from life with "happy despatch."

may or may not do, we must dine : and I am proud to represent on this The Western Morning News describes MR. TOLL as a "stalwart occasion what Æschylus calls the labourer.” As such he is obviously just the right man be entrusted

“Ελλήνων στρατός: with the flagellation of garotters, a task which, considered as conducive to the discouragement of cruelty, a truly benevolent man would rejoice that is, " The host of the Greeks.” My Lords, Bishops and Gentlemen, in performing

let us drink his healthIt may be considered that MR. TOLL's personal qualifications for the

Ει γάρ σαφώς τόδ' ίστ' εμοί ξυνήλικες:
discharge of the Hangman's

practical duties are such as to render it that, in his own modern Greek tongue,-
advisable to dispense, in his favour, with the competitive test. The
literary attainments of MR. CALCRAFT himself, as evidenced by his

“Η ιs α ιoλλε Γοοδφέλλω
lately published correspondence, bore no proportion whatever to his

'Ανδσώσα αυλ οφ' υς. professional skill. Perhaps MR. TOLL would appear to disadvantage

“Ιπ ιπ ιπ ορραρ.. in a trial less calculated to prove a candidate's manual expertness than [All join in Chorus to the great astonishment of the ARCHBISHOP OF the amount of book-learning at his fingers' ends. Among his rivals SYRA, who is quite overcome at being saluted with a well-known there may be certain literary men, solicitous to add the emoluments of Eastern toast in his own language. a permanent office to a precarious income. Their number may include Archbishop of Syra. Mispevds, Tin áp dul 'vited writers for the Press, accustomed to advocate the retention of capital [At this point his Grace went into the history of heresies and schisms punishment. Or, very likely some of them are critics who find con

for the last thirteen hundred years, with a justification of the genial employment in the elaboration of severe reviews, and gratify Greek Church, and an explanation of its peculiar tenets. This the same propensity in cutting up an author as that which, interesting reply lasted for an hour and a half, and would have in the old days of punishment for high treason, may have made been longer had he not been interrupted by a snore from the Jack Ketch delight in quartering a rebel. These gentlemen would ARCHBISHOP OF YORK and the disappearance of one of his own probably be found to excel MR. TOLL in erudition, although unequal Secretaries under the table, N.B. His Grace did not visit to him in manipulating a noose, or wielding a cat-oʻ-nine-tails.

Evans's in the evening, though he might have done so, and been We cannot quit this subject without calling attention to the past none the worse for it. difference existing in the relative demand for two diverse situations now vacant. There are 134 candidates for the office of British Executioner, whilst the Crown of Spain goes begging !

SENTIMENT FOR A NIGGARDLY Host.-" Drink to me, only with In conclusion, it may not be impertinent to propose that, in case thine eyes.”

[graphic][ocr errors]

NOBODY THAT KNOWS THEM COULD DOUBT THE RESPECTABILITY OF THESE TWO GENTLEMEN, YET YOU WOULD HARDLY CREDIT THE

UNNECESSARY PANIC THEIR IMAGINATJONS CAUSED THEM THE OTHER NIGHT IN THE FOG !

THE EDDICATION LEAGUE.

MUTATO NOMINE. I am a British parient, my quiver musters six,

We have done away with slavery in the British Dominions. My eddication's nuffin', or-as I pronounce it-nix.

“No slave can breathe where VICTORIA rules." There seems to be I'm a hindependent voter, and was never thought a fool,

one exception to the vaunt, and, strange to say, it is in Queensland of Nor ever will I be “compulsed” to send my kids to school. all places. Here is LORD BELMORE's account of the way free labour is

introduced into that favoured region, from the South-Sea islands :Thank goodness, I my brains with reading never can fatigue, But still I've beerd 'em talking of this Eddication League.

“A vessel goes to one of the cannibal islands, thickly populated, and under And, for a roarin' Radical, it does sound rayther odd,

the control of a chief. The chief wishes to reduce his population, and to When told to eddicate his brats, or else be sent to quod.

pocket the premium the trader is ready to pay for each labourer. He calls his

people together and says, Here is a chance for thirty or forty of you to My wife she goes to Chapel-at the step I kindly wink:

engage with this trader.' The number required go on board. They are asked Spouts at Teetotal meetings, and I bags her share o'drink.

whether they are willing to go away in the vessel ; they declare their willing

ness, and the terms of the law are apparently complied with. That's my pbilosopby- but now with tyranny I'll grapple,

“ But they know very well that if they refuse to go they will be killed and Afore some Edification League "compulses" me to chapel.

eaten. No comment seems to be necessary upon this, if it is true." My hinfants, whom the parsons all denounce as heathens utter, We decidedly agree with LORD BELMORE. I find get on most wonderfully in their native gutter.

No other comment is necessary than that of MR. MURDOCH, of the The elder boys are sharp as nails, and often prigs a wipe,

Emigration Board :Which, turned to baccy, I serenely puts into my pipe.

“No authority short of the Imperial Legislature can put a stop to proIf this goes on much longer, it'll be as bad as France,

ceedings of this description, nor would an Act of Parliament be of much avail And I'll get up a counter League for General Ignorance.

unless cruisers were employed in the Polynesian Seas to carry it into effect." When in my family circle I send round the pipes and pewter, Here would be a nice little job for one of MR. CHILDERS'S " flying Ain't that their eddication ? Ain't their Pa their Private Tutor? squadron.” JOHN BULL would not begrudge the cost of a cruiser to put

down this kind of rascality, which is sowing the seeds in Australia of I stands for Magna Charta : and I disapprove of schools.

that very curse of slavery which it has cost us, and other nations, so How would the heavy swells get on, if no one dared be fools ? much to get rid of. Where would the Church and State be, where the Army and the Navy, If ev'ry fool amongst 'em was obliged to cry peccavi ?"

Clerical Emancipation.
Be warned in time, my horators, quite far enough you've gone.
And, for this Eddication League, just don't

you try it on;

THERE is certainly one objection to the Bill about to be introduced Or many martyrs bold like me Pas of the Period

into the House of Commons for the relief of the clergy from their civil Rather than send their kids to school, will live and die in quod.

disabilities. By empowering clergymen, who feel themselves unable any longer to hold doctrines upon whose profession they were ordained, to relinquish their orders, it will, if enacted, open a Church door to the

exit of perhaps too many of the most conscientious members of the THE ODOUR OF Sanctity.—Pot-pourri.

clerical body.

6

Office;

And as

a

The Times expresses an earnest hope that you will retain office, even FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT," ” if you are not able to resume its labours forth with. I echo that hope

but for your sake, as I have said, rather than that of your and Punch to the Right HONOURABLE JOHN BRIGHT.

for the country's sake and Parliament's that looks for and listens to

your words. MY DEAR JOHN, I am really sorry to hear that you are forced by illness to in the good

it does, it does one enormous good—it helps

to school you,

I hope you may retain Office, because, though you do not believe leave London and the joy of battle

with your peers” in Parliament, and to transform you from an Orator into a Statesman; from a mighty just as the campaign is opening. You can ill be spared. Not from your speaking power of the platform and the Parliament, into a shaper of office, for I fancy, entre nous, that you hate its trammels

and its toils, England's future,

an agent in the elevation of her people, a strength. think its minutes a waste of years

, feel its red tape tangling your ener of her power for good at home, and an ennobler and extender of tongue, and its responsibilities damming and thwarting the flow of her

influence abroad. your eloquence. There might be some set-off for this, if you could believe in the good your absence and its cause, and my anxiety for your return to Parlia

Thus thinking, my dear John, you will not wonder at my regret for of the work your office does. But you don't. If you had your way, ment, and above all

, for your retention of Office. May you soon be you would cut down to nothing its power of interference with Railway restored to strength by the pure and bracing air of Scotland, should Directors, Merchant Ship-owners, Harbour Commissioners, Dock Trustees, Water Companies, and trade adulterations. You' would you go there. You fish, and good speed to your salmon-fishing. fain leave all these things, like the Trade whose name the office

bears, may you be reminded

that the surest way to lose your fish is to " give

As you slacken line to the plunge of some lively fifteen-pounder, to the workings of the large philosophy embodied in such axioms as him the butt” too soon, and that the heaviest weight

may be landed * Caveat emptor"* " Every man for himself,” and Devil take the with the lightest tackle by one who knows when to let go, and when hindmost; are not particularly careful to conceal the opinion, it is probable that don't know that a Scotch salmon-river is not about the best

school for the Office returns the compliment, and does not, quá office, think teaching it. XXX of you as quá official head. As far as that goes, I dare say the Office would not object to see your favourite principle of laisser aller dull boy, take a good holiday when you

are about it, and

come back

no play and all work” will make even Jack BRIGHT applied to you, and would let you go with the greatest equanimity. to us like a giant refreshed. Believe me, no one will more rejoice on But if the Office

does not want you, you want the Office, -for a reason your return than your old and faithful friend, I will tell you by-and-by.

PUNCH. And then we want you in the Cabinet, where you represent a different force from any there. Not the democratic force by any means. How amused and amazed at the same time you must often

BRIDGEWATER AND ITS ELECTION. have been, my dear John, when short-sighted old Tories assailed you as a democrat, a leveller, and a destroyer. Of course I know

better similar, on a small scale, to those gigantic rings

“ Between the candidate and voters there was a body of brokers or agents, that there is no man who more thoroughly recognises the inequalities legislatures **Out of thirteen elections, since 1832, not one has been

that infest American of human lots, the varieties of power, whether power of money, power otherwise than corrupt, thanks to the happy morality of the Bridgewater con; of tongue, power of calture, power of organisation, or power of rule, stituents, and the ingenious operations of the clique who turned it to account.” and the inequalities of privilege and position, which they draw after --The Pall Mall on Bridgewater Morality.” them. I know no man, my dear John, who, in all he does and says, more

AFTER the revelations brought about by the Bridgewater Commisconsistently asserts the wholesomeness of every man having his place, sion, there can be no doubt that, for illustrations of design in the and knowing it-or, if he doesn't, being taught it. I know no man natural history of Electioneering, as in that of Creation, we cannot go who has more respect for things established, more reverence for rule, to a better source than the “Bridgewater Treaties” between bribers more passion, may I say, for precedent. I sometimes think, my dear and bribees in that now indignant and immaculate borough. John, you are the most genuine Tory of my acquaintance--the politician, who of all our leading political personages, is most anxious to find a precedent for everything, and having found one, to follow itabout the most determined "stander upon old ways,

in the British

A SONG ON FEMALE SUFFRAGE. Parliament. Birth I know you don't, or rather won't believe in, and

The rights of Woman who demand, you don't much like high culture; and "society," with its rules and

Those women are but few : restraints, rather bores you. I must confess I don't wonder at your

The greater part had rather stand preferring a cigar, and a volume of Goethe to a white choker and

Exactly as they do. Belgravian small talk ; I do myself. I cannot help laughing when I think of you and ODGER, side by side in the House. I fancy I

Beauty has claims, for which she fights can see the look you would give him. But you and I know how little

At ease, with winning arms : way these things go to the making of a democrat.

The women who want Woman's rights No; what you represent in the Cabinet is not the democratic idea

Want, mostly, Woman's charms. it is an idea quite different from the democratic. It is the wish to have the mass of men, women, and children in this country better taught, better clad, better fed, and better mannered. A very different thing,

Consolation. and, between ourselves, my dear JOHN, much better thing, than wishing to have them admitted to power which they are not fitted to

WE hear that CHANCELLOR Lowe has got in his Assessed and exercise, which is the wish of your true democrat.

Queen's Taxes wonderfully. Never were so few arrears known, though What you represent in the House is the same wish, clothed in a the ingenious ROBERT has been screwing out of us two years' paypre-eminent power of plain yet splendid, masculine yet mellifluous, ments at one and the same operation. Fortune favours the brave. It eloquence.

may have been a Lowe dodge, but it has brought in a high figure, and Your weakness has always been the difficulty you have in believing has enabled us to pay for the Telegraphs without a loan. John BULL that other

people might wish this as earnestly and honestly as you did, may have been what the sporting men call.“ wired" in the transaction, and yet take different roads to the same end. You have been in the but it is a comfort to think he hasn't been "milked" into the bargain. habit of looking on those who differed from you in politics, as Dr. JOHNSON did on foreigners, when he said to BosWELL,

For all I have ever been able to see to the contrary, all foreigners are fools.” You have been apt to think that, to attain the objects you desired, it was A DYSPEPTIC Gentleman said he thought he must be suffering from enough to will them sincerely and strenuously; and that the slow the foot and mouth disease, arising from having overnight Walked into progress of good legislation was owing to the folly or fainéantise of men a Heavy Supper. in office.

All this your late experience of office has, I am glad to see, done much to correct. I congratulate you on the visible fruit of that experience in your late speeches at Birmingham and elsewhere; on their Returns.

Trade Motto of O'Donovan Rossa and Co.-Small Profits on Quick unfamiliar tolerance, reticence, caution, and comprehensiveness. That is why I should be sorry to see you leave the Board of Trade. If your Office has not benefited much by you, you have benefited

FALSE ALARM IN CONVOCATION. - Great fear was felt in truly immensely by your Office; and whatever you benest by, my dear JOHN, serious quarters for the safety of the Church of England. But our the country benefits by, in the long run; for you are a power, and TEMPLE has not caved in! deserve to be one; and the wiser, more tolerant, and thoughtful of others a power is, the better.

SMOKER'S PROVERB. It's an Ill Weed that blows nobody any good.

FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE.

THE TREASON-MONGERS OF TIPPERARY.

[graphic][ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors]

LET WELL ALONE!"
Swell. AH-WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE-AH-NEW. LAW!!"
Cabby. OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO New Laws, SIR !-SAME OLD FABE, SIR– LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!"

her to the self-government she has been content for a time to abdicate, ROCHEFORT AND REVOLUTION.

and for which she can not better show her fitness than by her contempt

for such méneurs as ROCHEFORT, and such organs as his Marseillaise. No; History does not repeat itself. For CAMILLE DESMOULINS she gives us ROCHEFORT ; for L'Ami du Peuple, the Marseillaise; for the Attack on the Tuileries, the Barricade of Belleville. If History repeated itself, why was the Revolution of 1830 so

A RISING FAMILY. different from that of 1789 ? that of 1848 so different from that

UNDER the heading." A Pluralist” the Times enumerates the good of 1830? Does not all this show that even France, ready as she is to "descend ex-Bishop of Ely. Here is the list :

things that fell to the lot in life of the Rev. T. H. SPARKE, son of an into the street," is gradually learning the folly of flying to anarcby as the escape from misrule, and declines to belp the triumph of a ROCHE- “In 1818, as soon as he was of age to be admitted into priest's orders, be FORT, even though it may be the downfall of a LOUIS NAPOLEON ? was collated to a prebendal stall in his father's cathedral, appointed to the In '89 the Revolution cost the lives of a Royal Family, the best rectory of Stretham (value £756), and the sinecure vicarage of Littlebury, blood of the nation, and a European War, and needed a NAPOLEON Essex (value not known); in the next year his father bestowed on him the THE GREAT to end it. In 1830 the Revolution cost three days'

street- vicarage of Cottenham, Cambridgeshire, the value of which is given in fighting, and was closed by a Louis PHILIPPE. In 1848 the Revolu. Crockford's Clerical Directory as £770; in 1824 he was nominated to the tion was set up by a coup de main, and put down by the Nephew of Chancellorship of Ely Cathedral ; in 1827 to the rectory of Leverington,

Camthe Uncle.

bridgeshire (value, according to the same authority, £2100). According to It looks like it.

Crockford,” his stall in Ely was of the annual value of £367, which he held ROCHEFORT has been sentenced, and Order continues to reign in two other livings, Gunthorpe and Bale, near Thetford.”

for upwards of fifty years; and for nearly thirty years he was also rector of Paris.

ROCHEFORT has been arrested, and Louis NAPOLEON still sits at Can we have a better illustration than is furnished by such a list of the Tuileries.

the proverbial tendency of “ Sparks " to "fly upwards ?” Armed Insurrection can find no better head than half-witted FLEURENS to flourish his sword-cane, and fire off his revolver at nobody in particular. No stronger hands but those of the few score

On Taxation. gamins who threw up sham-barricades for the police to take, and scampered before the sticks and small-swords of the Municipal

A Tax on powder is fair. Those who use powder as a luxury won't Guards.

mind paying their shot for it. The tax is only on powdered footmen : It has not even needed the presence of soldiers to put down this babies, when powdered, don't come under the Act. feeble fiz of revolutionary effervescence.

France definitely declines to borrow ROCHEFORT'S Lanterne to look for her honest man by.

To Correspondents. She accepts OLLIVIER, and his coadjutors, and the substitution of PLAIN ENGLISH.—There will be no departure from the announceParliamentary for Personal rule, as more beneficial means of restoring I ment made in No. 1356, and to which all Correspondents are referred.

Printed by Joseph Smith, of No 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Brans, & Co.,

Lombard Btreet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, February 19, 1870,

« PreviousContinue »