Page images
PDF
EPUB

A CHANT TO THE COUNCIL.
AIR—" Sam Hall," with a needful variation.
NINTH Prus is my name,

Is my name, is my name.
Nintu Pios is my name;

Is my name;
NINTI Pius is my name,
Supremacy I claim;
On all who doubt the same

Anathema !
I own St. Peter's Chair,

Peter's Chair, Peter's Chair,
I own St. Peter's Chair,

Peter's Chair;
I own St. Peter's Chair,
Whate'er I thence declare,
Be they, deny who dare,

Anathema !
If any man shall say,

Man shall say, man shall say,
If any man shall say,

Man shall say;
If any

man shall say
That Church should State obey,
Let him be put away :

Anathema !
Be all who say that we,

Say that we say that we,
Be all who say that we,

Say that we;
Be all who say that we,
Can have no certainty;
Opinions should be free :

Anathema!

[graphic]

Be they who falsely teach,

Falsely teach, falsely teach,

Be they who falsely teach,
DEPRESSION.

Falsely teach;

Be they who falsely teach
SCENEThe Exchange. Industrial Centre.

The Church should only preach,
First Commercial Man (dryly). MORNIN' I"

And not by force back speech,

Anathema!
Second ditto (coldly). “ MORNIN'!”
Pirst C. M. (hopelessly), “ Owt ?”

On him who shall make bold,
Second ditto (mournfully). “Nowr 1"

Shall make bold, shall make bold,
First C. M. (gloomily). “ MORNIN' I"

On bim who shall make bold,

Shall make bold;
Second ditto (despairingly). “ MORNIN' !”

[They part.

On him who shall make bold,

There's mercy's chance, to hold,
A DEATH-SHIP.

Outside the Roman fold,

Anathema ! On board the Shand, coolie immigrant ship, from Calcutta to Demerara, died in a passage of 123 days, ninety-eight out of 458 coolies, while thirty-six

On Pagan, Turk, and Jew, were landed more dead than alive. Some ifty of these, the surgeon reports, were

Turk and Jew, Turk and Jew, in a low state of health when shipped, and would never have been embarked if

On Pagan, Turk, and Jew, he had joined the ship when they came on board. Of these a large proportion

Turk and Jew; would probably have died under any circumstances. But the rest of the sufferers

On Pagan, Turk, and Jew, died of scarvy, a disease that is impossible, if the Government regulations as to

And every Christian too, provisions are observed. How comes this ? Marry, easily, thus :

Not counted in Our crew,

Anathema ! “When lime-juice and fresh vegetables were required, the lime-juice was found to be bad, and the whole of the onions and potatoes taken on board at Calcutta were rotten."

And yet so mild am I, Now, onions and potatoes, good when shipped, may rot from heat and bad

Mild am I, mild am I, stowage : not so lime-juice. We have immigration agents, inspectors, and pro

And yet so mild am I, tectors of emigrants at Calcutta. What have they to say to this? And what have

Mild am I; the owners who bought the bad lime-juice, or the cheaters who sold it, to answer to

And yet so mild am I, this wholesale murder ! Punch begs to echo, as loudly and emphatically as he

I would not barm a fly, can, the words of the Demerara Colorist of January 7 :

For all on Man I cry “What facts it is possible to ascertain here will no doubt be disclosed before the

Anathema ! Commission of Inquiry to be appointed; and we hope that the result of that inquiry will form a ground-work for vigorous action on the part of the Indian Government. Apart from the direct loss to the planters, and the great commercial importance to this colony of having

Funeral Honours. immigration conducted on the most humane principles and in the most perfect manner possible; it is not to be tolerated that the lives of our fellow-creatures shall be ruthlessly THE Tories have always claimed to be Britons, par excel. sacrificed, in order that dishonest contractors for ships' stores may make large profits, and, lence. What wonder they should imitate the funeral pracpossibly, out of their unjust gains, pay handsome douceurs to inspectors, in consideration tices of the race, and raise up CAIRNS over the grave of a of the official examination not being inconveniently minute."

lost leader? One thing only can not be tolerated. That those whose business it is to inquire into the crime of killing coolies, and to enforce responsibility for it, should be NEW BOOK.- As Grave as a Judge is He. By the allowed to take it coolly in a case like this.

Author of As Red as a Rose is She.

[blocks in formation]
[graphic]

SHILLING TELEGRAMS.

ROME AND RAMSBOTHAM.
WENTY words for One Shilling,

DEAR MR. PUNCH,
all over the United Kingdom,

I must write to you, though I didn't intend to this week. and names and addresses not But far away in a foreign climb one can't help thinking of friends at charged for! The

wire-workers home round the fireside, or “all round the Rigging," as the English will have plenty of employment. south-country prophet has it. Yes, dear Mr. Punch, to quoit againThe nimble needles will not rust

“Though lost to sight to mummery dear," through disuse.

is the case with me; for wherever I wonder there's no place like Already the telegrams are more Home-not even Rome, which rhymes to it. If the Consul is dull (and numerous, more interesting, more what can you expect ?' for sitting every day for so many hours must condescending to what Dugald be very mutinous), sport is lively, and hunting tracks all the nobility STEWART, in his Essay on the and gentry here. Sublime and Dutiful, aptly desig

There is shooting also in the Panting marches, where I have heard nates “the trifles that make up there is an abundance of snips. We had a peasant boiled with white the sum of human happiness, and archduke sauce the other day, but whether shot here or not I don't far better worth the cost of a know. I have been rather invaded lately owing to cold, and what one messenger by cab, or the expense easily catches here, as you may judge by the name, that is, Romeytism. of a horse express, than the

latest I didn't know this place was the urchin of that complaint; but one
report of the weather at Green- lives to learn; and she is a lucky woman who learns to live. It attacks
castle, or the closing quotation the knees and the soldiers, and then gets into the arms.
of that sensitive article, saltpetre.
By the pardonable connivance of his one amusement; but he plays, my nephew tells me, without

Do you know
that the Pope is very fond

of a game of billets? It is that most energetic and satisfac- any pockets, and only with canons (of his own Church, I suppose); tory public servant, MR. SCUDA- these tables. His great Carnaval, AUNT O'Nelly, the Pope's tee

and therefore, so he says,

you can't play either pool or periwigs on before his readers a few of the totum, (I've eluded to him before,) is very much afflicted to getting messages which have been flashing and has large dealings with the virtuous of his acquaintance, which I

mosaics, which, I suppose, he picks up in the Jews' quarter here, which, it will be observed, and it seems necessary to say something

am delighted to hear. on this score, -exceeds twenty words. The first is given in the spaces Festers, a name I don't like at all. For instance, there was a great

The Italians, and all here, call The Great Holydays of the Church prescribed by the official form; the rest, out of humane consideration Fester the other day, and a large gathering in St. Peter's and other for the compositors, will be set out in the ordinary manner :

Churches, when every one carried candles at the different funguses. It 1.

was a very beautiful sight, and the wax must bring in an enormous From R. J. Codlington, Waterloo Station,

profit to the Chandler of the Exchequer. Praps in Rome there is a

tax on Wax. I am fond of seeing Factories, and so shall take the To Crispina Codlington, Sarpedon House, Putney.

first opportunity of seeing the Waxworks here, which of course would

be unlike MADAME CRUSOE's in London. I recollect a Waxworks I have thought

the
matter

years ago done by clock-works, where a Roman wax shoulder in

armour was lost in the snow, with a Lion and his family, and would in the train

and

ring a bell and pull corns out of his feet. You looked down at it from

a gallery above; but I'm not quite sure, now, if it wasn't Scriptural, it

you and NATHANIEL in the Lion's Den.

Talking of that, what a deference between Pegging Rome and do Let

it
be
jugged Babel Rome of to-day! I have lately been reading all about it-that

is, about Ramilies and Rompus, and Nimrod, with the lovely Miss

Diphtheria. Of course that's all falibus. But Rome must have been From Arthur L. Lauderdale, Temple,

grand under the Trumpers and Decembers. I remember a lovely To Eleanor Mary Blondell, Villa Medina Sidonia, Middle Norwood. Influenza, or the Last of the Tributes.

novel by SIR EDWARD BULLER LITTLE, now LORD LITTLE, about Darling, you will dance the first waltz with me to-night, Valentine's Day, Later

on, the Romans became very feeble and effervescent (I don't at Mrs. Du Kickey's ball? Reply prepaid.

think that's the word I want, but it means weak and womanly), and

were overrun by Moths and Sandals. You 'll see all this in GUBBINS'S From Mrs. Vandeleur Sparrowby, 565, Marine Parade, Brighton,

Decline and Fall of the Roman Umpire, which was written while the

monks were singing their hymns. However, you don't want me to To Jane (Nurse), R. Vandeleur Sparrowby, Esq.,

tell that ; only laterally there has been nothing to tell you about the 66, Walpole Street, W.

Economical Consul, for on this subject all the Roman Candlesticks are Miss Minnie has left her doll behind her. Send it by the first train. It is as close as wax. in my top drawer.

Some of the undersappers, the clerks of the Consul, did let out a few 4.

things they oughtn't to, but they were immediately oiled over the coals, From Miss Ridgley, Combermere Cottage, St. Leonard's-on-Sea, as the saying is, and were warmed by the Residing Carnaval against

To Charles Bobbinson (Footman), Miniver Lodge, Newcastle-on-Tyne. ever doing it again; so I have no doubt they will profit by this ammuSomething has disagreed with Muff. He is very bad. Tell the doctor to what nobody else can know, though there are clever people who, being come immediately, I cannot trust any one here. Terminal Telegraph Office of the Post Office, and I have deposited six shillings true. You may always depend upon me, whenever, that is, you hear I request that this Telegram may be forwarded by horse express from the paid to say something in the papers, rely upon their own brilliant in

tention and rivet imagination for anything which is all guess and not for that purpose. Arabella Maria Ridgley.

from

Yours sincerely,

LAVINIA RAMSBOTHAM, JUN. From George Henry Mablethorpe, Rev. Horace Cribbe, Whippingham,

P.S. Talking of religion in this cold weather, one is inclined to turn To Mrs. Mablethorpe, 1, Upper Brummel Place, London,

Parson in Persia, and be a fire-worshipper and a disciple of Slowroaster,

the chief of the Majors. Dear, dear! all these cisterns of religion are The Hamper is not come, and my birthday is to-morrow. Do send it. very confucious, as the Chinese say. I have won the long jump. From J. Cornblower, Mark Lane,

LINES ON A WEAK PIECE WITH A SHORT-SKIRTED BALLET. To Mrs. Cornblower, Odessa House, Dantzic Road, Regent's Park.

This piece is like Tom NODDYUncle Splaydes dines with us to-day: Roast the mutton. Get whiting and

“All legs and no body." widgeon. "Children must not notice his nose. N.B. In one or two instances the intelligent Post-Office Clerks

HERE WE ARE AGAIN! have altered, for the better, the spelling and grammatical construc- Op what violent Reformer are London powdered footmen probably tion of the messages.

the followers ?-John Knox.

5.

6

Happy Thought.- To write to MILBURD and forestall him in the joke MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

which I know he will make when I return about leaving my Aches pression. My theory (the heretical theory mentioned before) is, that Girl I left Behind me," i.e.

The Aches I left Behind Me.” Say to I visit the Cathedral again, and I am confirmed in my first im- (Aix) behind me.

Second Happy Thought on Same Subject.--Set the idea to music, “The Man is made in moulds ; not of mould, but in moulds. Now I arrive at this, thus :

MILBURD in my letter, On going into the Cathedral, High Mass is just commencing. I

" If you see any one who asks for me, struggle into a good place. We are all standing, and seats are an

And doesn't know where to find me; impossibility. Duchesses and draymen elbowing one another, but this

You may say that I've gone across the sea, by the way, only I do approve of this religious equality, and think it

And left my dix behind me." worth noticing. Before mass, all the canons, choristers, deans, and precentors walk The other people don't know MILBURD, so it will be all right.

Copy this into three letters to other people, including one to FRIDDY. into the body of the church, and commence versicles and responses. What they are I do not know, nor can I attend to the service, for, to

The Vapour Bath.- Shown into a bed-room at the Neubad, whitemy atter amazement, I find that, from the chief dean or bead canon, still on the Silent System. Bath-man presently

returns looking warmer

washed walls and window near the ceiling. Idea. Prisoner's dormitory, roughly well known to me. Yes, I recognise

every one of their faces. than usual, and says something that sounds like Der Damp Shift is fertish, They are as familiar to me as possible. Yet I have never been to which I am right in taking to mean that the Vapour Bath is ready. Aachen before. Never. I have never been inside this Cathedral I follow him, in what I may term delicately

my popular character of prior to this occasion. No. But I know every one of the ecclesiastics Unfallen Adam, across a paved passage, cell-doors on either side (from here by sight.

which I imagine people suddenly looking out and saying "Hallo!” as I find myself staring at one in particular. He is short and sharp- MILBURD would, if he were here) to a small jam-closet without any looking, with a large mouth. He catches my eye: he can't help it; shelves, but with a skylight above. nor can I help keeping mine fixed on him. We are mesmerising each

In this closet is the case of, as it were, a small quaint old-fashioned other. I feel that he is chanting his verses mechanically,

and, as it piano, only without the works and key-board. This is the Vapour were, addressing them chiefly to me. I wonder whether he is too Bath. The Bath-man opens it : I see at once that I am to step in. much mesmerised to move with the procession when it gets in motion I step in. I see that I am to sit down over where the steam is coming again. But who is he? Who are they! I have known only one up. I do, nervously. The Bath-man then boxes me in by closing foreign priest in my life, and he was a Frenchman, and not a bit like the front, and putting up a sort of slanting shutter, which only any of these. It breaks upon me, on my second visit,

all at once. leaves my head out of a hole at the top. I fancy the Bath-man rather They are all well-known theatrical faces, some familiar' to me from enjoys this, as his only chance of a practical joke. Hope he won't childhood, and indelibly engraved on my memory, and others known think it fun, or do something stupid. He hangs my watch on a nail to me in later years.

opposite me and says, “fifteen minuten in der bad.” This small mesmerised priest (a minor canon he is), in a short surplice

Happy Thought.-"Nein. Fünf." and a tippet, is MR. DOMINICK MURRAY-neither more nor less. The

He won't hear of such a thing. I don't like being left alone. He Chief Dean is Mr. Paul BEDFORD, in a cope, assisted by Mr. smiles and nods,.“ Nice yarm ? " he asks, and shuts the door on me. BUCKSTONE of the Haymarket, and MR. ROGERS of the same company, It is varm, but it is not nice. How horribly slow the time passes. This who hold two candles for him to read small print by: MR. BARRY is like a Chinese punishment. I try to distract my mind. Let me see SULLIVAN, in a collar with lace, is scowling at his breviary; and Mr. what can I think about? Odd, I can't think of anything except the HONEY, with his hair cut, is chanting, hard at it, at the bottom of his time and the bath. Yes, one thing, “Can any one see through this voice. The others are all well known to me, only I can't remember skylight ?” No-ground glass. Suddenly I become aware of myriads their names, except, by the way, MR. HORACE WIGAN, who stands out of little insects on the wall by my watch. Ants. They are nowhere from the rest, because he has lost his place in a large book he is carry- else. They are very busy: Suppose they were to forsake the wall, and ing, and has got into difficulties with spectacles.

run all over my face and hair ! I can't do anything. What is Ant in Hence my theory of Moulds. I find MR. DOMINICK MURRAY (let German? I will complain when Bath-man re-appears. us say, for example, as he was my chief attraction: he did sing so

He does re-appear on the instant-that is his head re-appears energetically, and knew his part without a book !) in Germany as a smilingly, and asks “Nice varm ?” I reply, Jah.” He adds "Time, Minor Canon, in England as an excellent comedian. The same with no !” and retires. MR. BUCKSTONE, WIGAN, &c. Well, why not in India find the same

I have forgotten the Ants. Who was it, BRUCE or WALLACE who type of man among the Brahmins ?- that is, another lot out of the same became King of Scotland by watching a spider? GALILEO made a mould.

scientific discovery about the pendulum while watching a church-lamp DR. CASPAR has just called in late at night, and finding me at during a stupid sermon. These Ants might lead me to turn my attenmy notes (above) on my new theory, has ordered me not to write any tion to natural history, if I stay here long enough. more for a day or two, and to go to bed at once. CASPAR is an excel.

Odd: the Vapour Bath doesn't seem to be taking anything out of lent fellow, and really takes a personal friendly interest in a patient. me. I thought it would be something fearful, and that I should yell, He is much struck with my theory of “moulds," and says he will call half suffocated and parboiled, for help. in and talk it over in the morning. In the meantime (that is, between

Bath-man's head again, “Nice varm ? Time, po ?” and disappears. this and breakfast) I am to go in for a botter bath up to 28° Réaumur.

At the expiration of a quarter of an hour, he enters with a warm be very careful in diet, rely upon Friedrichshallerbitterwasser, and not linen mantle. He unpacks the box (I could have travelled from here write a line about this new theory till he gives me permission. Should to London in this case, labelled with care," and "this side upperlike to telegraph to my wife and tell her. Have sent to POPGOOD AND most”) and I come out, like a character in a pantomime, when a GROOLLY a telegram to this effect :

watch-box or something is struck by harlequin's wand and out steps a “ New theory. Moulds. Upset everything. Great Idea,

boy dressed like NAPOLEON (only I'm dressed like nobody), and am

Write immediately clothed in the warm garment. again. Will you publish ?

Then I follow Bath-man back to bed-room. DR. CASPAR insists on seeing me into bed. He says "the sulphur Here I am tumbled into a hot bed at once. Bath-man savagely is doing its work well.” Something is coming out of me. What? tucks me up. “Nice varm ? he asks again. Heiss," I reply. So

DYNGWELL looks in. . "Well, old Cockalorum, got the papsylalls, ist goot," he answers. He surveys me in bed. I am helpless.
after all, eh? Doctor given you something golopshus. Rub it in.'
This is his general idea of a prescription. Good night.”

andere Mann,” he informs me, "take dampf bad to-day.” DR. CASPAR prescribes douche and vapour baths. It'll be all out of me that in all matters connected with the baths I can't do better than

He says this in an encouraging, tone, as much as to impress upon me, whatever it is, in another week or so. I ask him if I may employ follow the example of Der andere Mann. my leisure in writing Typical Developments and the Theory of Origination, for POPGOOD AND GROOLLY. He says "No, decidedly not." That instead I must devote myself

A Settler for Manning. to kagelspiel-Kagelspiel is skittles. I remember that Dr. WĦATELY used to relax his mind by swinging on the chains of the post in front

THE ARCHBISHOP OF WESTMINSTER an advocate for mob-law ! of the archiepiscopal palace. CASPAR is right. Baths in the morn- If not, why does he want to bring in the Rule of the Masses ? ing, dinner mid-day, kagelspiel in the afternoon; tea in the evening, Of one thing he may rest assured. England won't have it, any more and attendance at a concert or any musical meeting.

than France or Germany-however determined MANNING may be to Plenty of music in Aix. I have now been here long enough to

do as Rome does." observe that my first impressions were remarkably superficial.

I note down that for recovery of health, and generally for getting anything out of you, there is no better place, I should imagine, than A THOROUGH holiday for a man of business ought not to be marked Aachen.

in his calendar as a Red Letter-day, but as an Unread Letter-day.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

TRUE.

[graphic][ocr errors][subsumed]

TOO TRUE ! “S&E THEM Two COVES WITH THE RUMMY 'Ats On? WELL, THEY'RE PARSERS. Taar's WHAT THEY CALL 'EM; AND THEY WORSHIPS THE SUN!

WORSHIPS THE SUN, DO THEY? WELL, I SHOULD SAY THEY 'AD A PRECIOUS EASY TIME OF IT IN THIS COUNTRY !”

THE ROYAL MESSAGE PARAPHRASED. MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,

As proxies for our Queen to-day,
We have it in command to say
That it had been her full intent
To come and open Parliament;
But ill-health bars this happy meeting,
And so by us she sends her greeting,
And bids you all resume your tasks,
And do the things the Country asks.

With foreign powers all is peace ;
And wars, maybap, will one day cease,
If pations, when they have a grudge,
Will beg a friendly state to judge
Between them, and, as now, prevent

The ready “sword's arbitrament.”
GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,

The Estimates are nearly framed,
And Ministers have wisely aimed
To save the purse, but not abate
One jot of vigour in the State.
The Revenue returns will show
The totals guessed by MR. LOWE.
Consult again, and, if you can,
Devise some better, purer plan
For choosing those whose boast should be

That they are clean from Bribery.
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,

A Bill to deal with Irish land
Your calm attention will demand ;
Shaped in the bope that by its aid
Life may be sacred, law obeyed,

And all the fabric made secure,
More strong, more certain to endure.

At last, perhaps almost too late,
You ’re called to wake and educato
The million children of the poor,
Sinning, and starving at your door,
And daily growing up to be
Your danger, shame, and infamy.

Some legal topics now to mention-
The Courts of Justice need attention:
And sojourners from other lands
Seek recognition at our hands;
Religious tests should disappear,
And not oppress beyond this year ;
The incidence of local rating
Is quite a subject worth debating ;
The rules by which the soil descends,
And those on which the heir depends ;
Trade combinations, certain flaws
Found in our merchant shipping laws;
And, saddest scandal, public-houses,
Their druoken furies and carouses.

'Tis hard to turn to crime again, And end with what gives sharpest pain; But outrage, guilt, and lawless force Too long in Ireland hold their course, While Justice finds but few allies, And Hope in many a bosom dies : Still we will trust in wiser ways To bring back bappier, brighter days, And pray to have no peed to say She must be taught the sterner way.

MR. Punch is very happy to announce that the Essence or PARLIAMENT will be shortly resumed.

[graphic]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. – FEBRUARY 19, 1070.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

WILLIAM COX AND BENJAMIN BOX.

Cox. “CAN YOU FIGHT ?”

Box, “NO I CAN'T.”

Cox. THEN COME ON!!!"

« PreviousContinue »