(DELIGHTFUL FOR SHINER, WHO HAS COME FROM TOWN ON PURPOSE TO SHOW HIMSELF AT A SWELL MEET.) Voice in the Fog. "FOR-RAD ON, SIR! 'OUNDS REET AWAY THIS HALF-HOUR. YE MUN LOOK SHARP TO CATCH 'EM NOW!" THE WORST OF DRUNKENNESS. wives of working-men were more drunkenly inclined than they used to be, and the industrious artisan had to bear all the expense." "DRUNKENNESS is bad enough in a man, but in a woman' "MR. EDMONSON remarked that, coincident with the introduction of MR. "MR. EDMONSON said he was enabled to state from experience that many The exalted opinion which every right-minded man entertains of the more delicate sex renders it difficult to believe that women as well as men are apt to be induced to get drunk by facilities for drunkenness. One would like to know whether MR. EDMONSON is prepared to substantiate his statement to that effect by affidavit, and also if the following would be adhered to under the same obligation : "A WORKING-MAN remarked that one part of the evil was this:-the woman who necessarily had charge of the ordinary duties of an establishment bought drink under a fictitious name, and was assisted in the operation by the facilities which MR. GLADSTONE'S Act afforded. The result was that the True," ," the United Kingdom Alliance might answer. "Then abolish the Liquor Trade altogether. No more Château Margaux! No more Chambertin, Beaune, Pownard, Château d'Yquem! No more Hock or Champagne of any description! Cakes if you like, but no more Ale! Friends, how many of you are prepared to affirm all these negations with "Hooray!"? Don't you think the best Liquor Law would be one like the hydrostatic law by which liquors, left to themselves, find their own level! The Right Man for the Work. THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY's new suffragan is the venerable EDWARD PARRY. We cannot conceive a more appropriate name for a functionary whose work may be best described as "parrying" the unceasing assaults on DR. TAIT's time and temper. "A GRIEF TOO DEEP FOR THIERS."-The French Treaty. want. Go on again with Index: "Reptiles, Insects, Maladies, Kitchen, MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. Cellar, Servants, Mountains, Rivers, Agricultural Implements. Hang these things! First Visit to the Baths. I choose the nearest baths, not the "Affirmative Phrases, Negative Phrases." This is nearer, warm, as Where are Adjectives, good strong Adjectives? Kaiserbad, which is the largest and grandest, and where the baths form children say in hide-and-seek. "Ecclesiastical Dignities." Cold again. part of the hotel. "Music." Absolutely chilly. Ha! "Imperative Phrases. Field Sports." Oh, bother! 66 Warmer. With a Woollen Draper." Lost it once more. "A Lady at her Toilet." Toilet may be of some use to me now. "The Master before getting up." Am received by a courteous elderly lady and her daughter, who look as if I was the last person they had expected to see. Happy Thought.-Say what I've come for. A few baths. Will I take them all at once, which is cheaper, or not? I don't quite understand: possibly because I am talking French (in English), and they are speaking the same language (in German). Becoming intelligible to one another, I ascertain that their question is one of tickets. I take a lot, recklessly, paying I don't know quite how much, in thalers. Elderly lady smiles encouragingly on me, and asks me if I will descend the steps? If they lead to the baths, yes. They do. Elderly lady sounds a bell. I descend, and pass through the glass folding-doors into a passage with whitewashed walls and ceiling, and a row of small doors on either side. First Impression-Prison on the Silent System. A small, fresh-faced man, in a chronic state of mild perspiration, looking, in his white jacket and apron, something like a superior French cook without a cap, appears before me, and says Good morning, sare." Happy Thought.-Bath-man speaks English: in case the bath shouldn't agree with me, useful. Which bard?" he asks, laconically, and allows me to look in at the doors of several cells. No prisoners in just now. Attendant shakes his head. "Late for bard (bath)," he says. "Twenty, dirty, men season." From which I readily gather, that in the season, which is now almost past (there are three days more of it) the baths are full. Finding that I don't make up my mind on the subject, he settles it for me peremptorily, and showing me into a cell, observes, "Nice bard," and shakes his head solemnly, as much as to say, "You couldn't get a better than this, if you tried ever so much." The compartment I am in, is a small undressing-room of the very plainest description: either a cell, as struck me at first, in a prison, or in the monastery of a very ascetic order. Happy Thought-The Bathing Monks. Never were any, I fancy. Good idea. Might suggest it to ecclesiastical authorities. The bath is where the sitting-room would be if these were lodgings with apartments en suite. At first sight there appears to be a sort of scum on the water, which suggests my remark to the attendant. "Dirty!" He smiles. Goot," he replies. "Dirty; goot," and dips a large thermometer into the bath. This doesn't satisfy me as to its cleanliness. On the wall is a notice, informing the visitor that he has a right to insist upon seeing the bath prepared in his presence, by order of the Committee. I draw the attendant's attention to this, and then pointing to the bath, I shake my head, and say emphatically, and with an air of disgust, "Dirty!" Happy Thought-Wish MR. PAYNE, the pantomimist, were here. Wonder how he'd explain my meaning to the attendant. The man nods in reply, "Yah so; dirty; hot," which is not a cheering view. I've seen "Third Class" written up over the doors of Baths and Wash-houses in London. It strikes me that mine will be something of this sort unless I can explain that I do insist upon its being prepared in my presence. Happy Thought.-My Conversation-Book is in my pocket. Difficult to find the correct place at once, so as to exactly suit the occasion. Open quickly, and come upon No; that won't do. Still it will be useful to know where to find the Chandler and Chimney-Sweeper when I do want them another time. Happy Thought.-Mark the place. Look at Index for "Bath," "Dirty," and "Clean." Is the Index at the end or beginning? Look at the end. No. Only "Models for Notes." "Note on not finding a person at home." "Note of invitation." "Note of apology." Happy Thought.-Mark these. Useful another time. Index in beginning. Under what heading? Don't know. Begin at the beginning. Bother: it's not alphabetical, and it occupies four pages of small print. The attendant is busy preparing my bath. I run my eye and finger quickly down the first page of "Contents.” Happy Thought.-It ought to be dis-contents. (N.B. Work this up; do for something of SHERIDAN'S or SIDNEY SMITH'S: more like SMITH.) Fractions, Army, Ammunition." Hang ammunition ! 'Time, Man." I pause here. Man. Happy Thought.-Look out Man. Perhaps find "Bath-man" under that heading. No; on reflection, it's "dirty" and "clean" that I│ Happy Thought.-Look out Imperative Phrases. Lady at Toilet, and Before getting up. Combine some words for present use. The attendant has finished. The bath is steaming. "Nice bard," he says. "Nice; hot; dirty." Here he points to 30° Réaumur on the thermometer. the bath at thirty, what he calls dirty. Happy Thought.-I understand him at last. He thought I wanted No: DR. CASPAR particularly said 27°. Happy Thought.-Point to that number on Thermometer. Hit myself on the chest, frown, say "No no, Nein Nein, Ich wünsch (I mean I want) twenty-seven. Doctor order." "Not dirty?" he asks, in astonishment. "Will you Nein, Nein," I reply, we are beginning to understand one another beautifully. "I said dirty, not Thirty"-pause to let him digest this. He is intelligent. He smiles. "Ah!" he says, and pulls a huge wooden plug out of the bath, I suppose to alter the temperature. getting up. Here it is-"PETER what o'clock is it?" Happy Thought.-While he is busy look out The Master before shave?" No. Ah, here, "You must give me my cotton stockings with my boots and my kerseymere trousers"-pretty dress! my boots, as the streets must be dirty." Dirty-here we are. [N.B. German manners and customs deduced from Conversation-Book ; ex. gr. if the weather hadn't been dirty, he'd have gone out without his boots.] "Dirty" is Schmuzig. Happy Thought.-"Das Wasser in dem Bad ist Schmuzig." Give me handful and drinks it. Solvitur bibendo. I am satisfied. He is indignant. To prove his assertion of its cleanliness he takes a The bath is ready-and so am I. A voice, resounding beneath the small dome, whence daylight comes in, calls out something. Kommen," replies the attendant, and leaves me to my bath. I am commence. to stop in half an hour, and forty minutes if I can do so. Now to THE MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. "It is proposed to give all Railway Whistles a musical pitch." THIS is, or rather will be, a good hearing for excruciated travellers, tortured householders forced to live near stations, and terrified cattle pasturing in fields adjoining lines of railway, and we record the announcement with a note of satisfaction. The various Companies will, we are sure, act in concert, as is their usual practice, and adopt a uniform pitch for all the whistles in the Kingdom; holding for this purpose a Harmonic Meeting, at which the question will be settled without the interruption of a single discordant voice. One thing the Directors must not do whatever expense may be incurred in giving the Engines, their Drivers, and Firemen a musical education, it must not be made a pretext for raising the fares; that would be paying too dear for our whistle. If the Costermongers, the Dustmen, and the vendors of various and thoroughfares, could be taught to use their voices in a melodious indispensable commodities in our cheerful and exquisitely clean streets manner, everybody's comfort and tranquillity would be greatly increased in this happy Metropolis. A MUCH NEEDED LESSON. "CHIEF-JUSTICE COCKBURN, in ordering the rule to be made absolute for a mandamus to the Election Commissioners at Bridgewater to grant MR. LOVIBOND his certificate of indemnity, passed a bitter censure on the Commissioners clearly singling out MR. CHISHOLM ANSTEY for their browbeating of the witness. MR. ANSTEY had accused MR. LOVIBOND of giving his evidence in a disgraceful manner. The Chief Justice said the word disgraceful' was not inopportune, but he did not think it was to the witness that it ought to be applied. JUSTICES LUSH, BLACKBURN and MELLOR concurred." -Notes of Cases in Q. B. CHISHOLM ANSTEY has got what the Ring calls a "smeller," CURIOUS OMISSION.-Every Cardinal is now in Rome except the Cardinal-Virtues. THE JOCKEY CLUB PERFUME.-Essence of Horse-radish. THE INSECT WORLD.. STRUGGLE BETWEEN A RUMBLER (THE GOLIATHUS GRUNTATOR OF VIOLINNEUS) AND A SCRAPER-BEETLE (SCARABEUS PERFORMATURUS Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard 1 FEBRUARY 12, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GOOD NEWS FOR BAD TRAVELLERS. AS SHAKSPEARE vaccinated?s important question which has hitherto been a matter of considerable doubt, and the origin of a good deal of Men like you and me, who hate the bore of travelling, may surely virulent controversy amongst antiquaries, is at last satisfactorily feel rejoiced at this comforting intelligence. No more need in future answered by a letter which has been to take our wives to Switzerland when their health requires recruiting. recently discovered in a very unlikely A bit of cotton wool will answer all the purpose of a journey to spot-in Spain-amongst the Simanvigorous, it is usual for my wife to become an invalid about the cas MSS. It was written by DR. Chamounix. Although throughout the season she appears robust and RADCLIFFE, the physician who taught first of August, and to discover that pure Alpine air is absolutely QUEEN ANNE how to eat asparagus, needful to save her from complete and permanent prostration. Now, and addressed to LADY MARY thanks to dear friend TYNDALL, instead of taking tickets for Lucerne WORTLEY MONTAGU, the bel esprit who introduced the artichoke into or Geneva, I shall merely get a respirator made of cotton wool, and this country from Jerusalem, and thus enable my poor invalid to breathe as much pure air as she coninoculated the leaders of fashion with siders to be needful. If she requires some mounting exercise as well rose Hill, or mounting to the summit of St. Paul's when she thinks a taste for that esculent; and in it as mountain air, she can exert herself by making the ascent of Primthe Doctor states that his grandfather; who was an eminent paperhanger at Stratford-upon-Avon, remembered being told by his old proper. If we cotton to the plan of using cotton wool to breathe we miss the sight of some pleasant mountain scenes, we shall also miss nurse that her first husband's great aunt distinctly recollected through, we may dine cosily at home throughout the month of August, stroking, when a girl, the cow-dun, with a white face-to which instead of being plagued by noisy foreign tables d'hote; and although them. "the Swan of Avon" was indebted for his preservation from the the sight of the unpleasant bills incurred for the privilege of seeing With a hope that MRS. SMITH may thank me for the hint, I remain JEREMIAH HUNKS. dangerous and disfiguring malady then so rife in England. This old lady, the great aunt of the first husband of the nurse of the grandfather of DR. RADCLIFFE, who lived to be ninety-five, averred that the cow hers, most devotedly, she remembered fondling was always called "Shakspeare's Cow," and was treated with the greatest respect and the choicest fodder; and that at the Stratford "Jubilee" a tuft of hair from its tail was formed into a bracelet, and presented, with a complimentary address on vellum, by the Mayor and Corporation to MRS. GARRICK, who by will bequeathed it to the Beef-Steak Club, enclosed in a box made out of a piece of the mahogany tree, under which SHAKSPEARE used to sit and smoke and drink mulled Canary with BEN JONSON and SIR THOMAS LUCY, before the battle of La Hogue. VOL. LVIII. DOES the French Government deserve to be called Liberal? That depends upon what you mean by the term. Says the Post, very truly: "If it is understood to mean permission to mobs to have their own way, to contemn the established authority, and to dictate to the more respectable portion of the community, then the present Administration of France is not deserving of being called Liberal, and the Premier is, of all others, the least inclined to claim for it that title." What then shall we say of a Government which did let mobs have their own way, hold seditious meetings, push down park rails, march in menacing processions through the streets, and dictate to the more respectable portion of the community in so far as they could? Shall we call it a Liberal Government? With a qualification. Let us say Liberal Conservative. Such a Government, in existence three years ago, preceded that which is now promoting the happiness and prosperity of the United Kingdom. Of the sort of Government which M. OLLIVIER'S is not, and the late DERBY Administration was, the Post goes on to observe :"But in truth no such Government is to be found in the world." Let us hope so. MR. GLADSTONE rules in Downing Street-MR. WALPOLE weeps there no more. The present Home Secretary does not, perhaps, cry when he should act; but if MR. BRUCE differed from his penultimate predecessor more decidedly than in not crying at such times, we should be the better able to trust that in truth the world contains no such Government as one by which mobs are, or would be on occasion, allowed to have their own way, and riot and create terror and alarm in the minds of HER MAJESTY'S subjects uncontrolled. Chemical Nobility. A MOVEMENT is said to be going on in Saltaire with the view of raising a testimonial to SIR TITUS SALT; a marble statue some propose, to be erected in Saltaire Park, in commemoration of his good deeds, public and private, and of his elevation to a Baronetcy. In conferring distinction on a meritorious gentleman the Government, while they were about it, might have made it a Peerage. SIR TITUS SALT, even now, might be promoted to the House of Lords, by the title of BARON CHLORIDE OF SODIUM. Mayors are but men, afloat. O'er the bulwarks in the brine Ere they reached the Calais line; BRITANNIA might have blush'd O'er her Mayors so grim and green, Once a joke gallant GOURLEY had begun- O'er his fun! Again! Again! Again! And the heaving did not slack, Though his feeble joke, in vain, Here and there a Mayor would crack MERCIER'S mirth along the deck slowly booms; But what joking can avail 'Gainst sick Mayoresses' wail, Out-spoke bold GOURLEY then: With Mounseer your credit save! Lo, at Calais, in smooth water, now we swing!" To a King! Now joy, old England, raise, That the glory of thy Mayors To Laeken's Palace flares The Casket has been giv'n, address read o'er! Brave Mayors,-your country's pride, May BRITANNIA, on your way home, rule the wave; You've the glory that consoles THE POETRY OF WINTER.-Rime Frost. |