A FISH OUT O' WATER. (SEE MR. SECRETARY HAMILTON FISH'S DESPATCH, AND LORD CLARENDON'S "OBSERVATIONS" ON THE ALABAMA QUESTION.) A CLERGYMAN WHO KEEPS A CONSCIENCE. THE THREE R'S. A GOOD example has been set to Ritualists and other Dissenters To the Lords Spiritual and Temporal and Commons when in Parliament holding the position of clergymen in the Church of England, by the late Public Orator at or at Cambridge, MR. W. CLARK. In a letter addressed to the BISHOP OF ELY, MR. MR. CLARK announces his wish to relinquish the position which those other clergymen persist in keeping. Assigning his reason for taking that step he says: "Slowly and reluctantly I have been driven to conclusions incompatible with the declarations which I made at my ordination." He then proceeds to specify these conclusions. They may briefly be said to be what are commonly called Broad Church views, and, if in compatible with certain articles and formularies, are not contradictory to any point of Protestant Churchmanship. It would be quite possible for MR. CLARK to hold office as a Churchman without being, the apes of Romanism, a traitor in the camp; but his conscience will not let him occupy the place of a teacher subscribing to propositions in non-natural sense, that is to say, lying. Neither do MR. CLARK'S opinions oblige him to secede from the Church, he only only proposes to retire from its ministry; and accordingly he tells the Bishop : a "Under these circumstances I beg to signify to you my desire to relinquish the position of a clergyman, and resume that of a layman. Whatever law, written or unwritten, may prevent me from doing this, I protest against it as iniquitous and immoral, because it conflicts with the natural rights and bounden duty of every man, all his life long, to search for and proclaim the truth." "Once a parson always a parson" is a rule which would be very much more honoured in the repeal than in the maintenance. Surely MR. GLADSTONE, full as his hands may be of Irish affairs, could contrive to manage that little matter of its repeal in the coming session, by passing a suitable measure under the title, say, of a Clerical Relief Act. A law is wanted to empower any clergyman who pleases to turn layman, in so far as the ability to exercise any secular calling, that he may wish to adopt, is concerned. For a conscientious Rationalist such an enactment would be a great convenience; as regards a conscientious Ritualist or Puseyite, if there is one, it would be a most desirable arrangement. It would enable him to turn at once both layman and Papist; thus constituting a bridge of gold for a flying enemy. PROPOSED WIDENING OF THE OLD JURY. MR. PUNCH-SIR, OUR Saxon ancestors by a sharp struggle succeeded in assembled. The Humble Petition of the Three R's Showeth That your Petitioners have for many years carried on business as manufacturers of knowledge-boxes. That your Petitioners are informed and believe that it is proposed to open a new road and level the approaches to their factory; also to remove certain fences which have hitherto obstructed the main thoroughfare, and that competent surveyors have examined the ground agreed upon a report, after long and due deliberation. That such proposed new road will, as your Petitioners are informed and believe, divert the traffic from the narrow lanes leading to the Parochial Union and the County House of Correction, and sensibly diminish the highway rates in connection therewith. That your Petitioners have heard with sorrow and surprise that their respectable and old-established Firm has been charged with contemplating the manufacture of Lucifer Matches, and the employment of clever little imps in dipping and sorting combustible splints. That your Petitioners have no intention or desire to fill their knowledge-boxes with any dangerous compounds, and the accusation of wishing to set either the Tower or the Thames on fire they indignantly rebut. Your Petitioners therefore humbly submit, that active steps should be taken to provide for the public accommodation as above proposed; and further, that the knowledge-boxes of the Three R's should be officially recognised, and by virtue of their innocence and utility, be honoured with the Government stamp. And your Petitioners will ever pray. WALKER'S ROMAN ANTIQUITIES. ACCORDING to the Pall Mall Gazette: "The EMPRESS OF AUSTRIA is showing great interest in the antiquities and public buildings of Rome. After seeing the Vatican she went to the Lateran, where she was received at the door by the Chapter and conducted over the Cathedral. There was an express exhibition of the relics of St. Peter and St. Paul, and Her Majesty inspected the Scala Santa." There is a kind of exercises called devotional, as everybody knows. By devotional exercises most people understand readings, meditations, orisons, and suchlike acts essentially and chiefly of a mental character. getting There are, however, devotional exercises other than these. Certain twelve men into a box, and there it stands in its juridical simplicity Dervishes dance by way of devotion. Indian Fakirs, and penitents or at the summit of Constitution Hill. It was, however, certain severe vice-penitents swing themselves on hooks, and practise other arduous and litigious ladies of modern times who put a patent lock on the panel, and painful gymnastics. Fakirs of a different persuasion sometimes and kept the council of twelve in durance for as many consecutive days. climb the Scala Santa at Rome on their knees. The EMPRESS OF Beauty scorns to look at Time with his ugly scythe and sand-glass. AUSTRIA only "inspected" it. Perhaps its inspection satisfied her The long detention was signalised by a great clashing of convent- Majesty. Let us hope that, in inspecting the Scala Santa, she was Sir, I am a simple lover of Justice. As such I ask why should the not, as Alpine Clubmen say when surveying the mountain they proinevitable twelve be always, so to speak, pressed men? Now that pose to ascend, "looking at her work." lovely woman has entered on the rough path of pathology, why not In climbing the Scala Santa anyone might sing "Excelsior!" and belles. prolong her walk to the Temple perhaps be considered as singing pretty fairly in the "accustomed of Themis? Why should merchants ecclesiastical Latin"-if not exactly in the Virgilian or Horatian. May assess the damage done, as those who keep watch and ward over our vases, and whose memories are as familiar with withered hopes as their little scissors with blighted blossoms? In answer to these arguments it may be urged that such very special juries as I recommend, could not possibly remain silent for an hourpooh-pooh, nonsense! -let them try. If they fail-they fail. A more serious objection is, that their vigilant eyes might be dazzled by the waving of a white forensic hand, and evidence be less regarded than the aggressive whiskers of a silk gown or the insidious moustache of a stuff one. To prevent undue influence of this kind, my old friend FOGLETON (a most clubable man) suggests an extensive screen, against which I fear there would be a loud cry by the fair advocates of non-intervention. It would be better, I think, to leave a question of this delicate nature to the honourable feeling of the Bar, which, after all, is not so black as generally painted. Leaders and juniors should proudly resolve to rely entirely on their wigs, and discard every other curl, natural or acquired. I would also strongly advise in actions for non-performance of marriage, that any member of a very special jury accepting an offer from a successful defendant within three months after verdict given, should be punished for contempt of court. JUSTINIAN. Blackstone's Buildings. the EMPRESS OF AUSTRIA have more sense than to put herself in the a change, no vulgar Briton will "The EMPRESS has also visited the Coliseum, St. Pietro a Vincolo, the monuments of the Appian Way, and St. Mary Maggiore, where she saw the manger of Bethlehem." As really and truly, no doubt, we are of course meant to understand, as she saw the bones, nail-parings, rags and tatters, chains, or what other assortment of objects soever may be comprised in the "express exhibition of the relics of St. Peter and St. Paul." From the Royal Laboratory. CERTAIN persons, SIR JOHN PAKINGTON for example, may or may not have had a Christmas Box-on that point we possess no trustworthy information-but they certainly have had what cannot be the most agreeable accompaniment of the festive season-a Christmas BOXER. BURDEN OF AN ITALIAN SONG. THINGS seem very much at sixes and sevens in Italy. "Italia farà da se?" If Italia does not contrive soon to get a respectable Govern P.S. This letter (which is without prejudice) you may publish if you ment, it will be Italia farà la la! or in plain English, Italy fiddlethink proper, as hints for the Law Officers of the Crown. de-dee! WHY NOT? EH! WHY NOT GO IN FOR A LITTLE MORE FALSE HAIR, AND DO THE THING COMPLETELY ? "WASN'T THAT A DAINTY DISH TO SET BEFORE A KING?" THE French EMPEROR having expressed a desire to test some of the Australian meat, which furnishes the penny-dinners in Norton Folgate, MR. TALLERMAN, Manager of the Australian Meat Agency, at once submitted samples to the Tuileries. The EMPEROR, on the principle of fiat experimentum in corpore vili, caused some of the meat to be cooked for the soldiers on guard. Finding that they survived it, and even, like Oliver Twist, asked for more, he ordered the same dish to be set before the principal officers of the Imperial Household. The officers, unlike the privates, shuddered, but eat, and, to their own amazement, relished; and then the EMPEROR tried it himself, pronounced it good, and expressed his gracious intention of causing a more extended trial to be made - we presume on the EMPRESS and the entourage. The verdict of the French private soldier can hardly be regarded as conclusive. He is capable of converting by his so potent art, not only cats, but "rats and mice, and such small deer," to the purposes of the Gamelle. But the Officers of the Household are used to very different fare, and where they ventured, even gourmets need not fear to follow. Above all, the EMPEROR has eaten and approved. No wonder that MR. TALLERMAN the Manager has been a Taller man ever since by several inches, and that the Australian Meat Agency is looking up, from the humility of artizan penny dinners in Norton Folgate to the sublimity of Imperial banquets at the Tuileries. But, after all, it is the many "littles" that will make the "mickle;" and in this case penny-wisdom, if the dinners only spread wide enough, will be anything but pound-foolishness. MEDICAL POLICE. would involve only a trifling addition to the expense of the police force. Anybody who considers how many more men enter the medical profession than the number it is capable of supporting, will see that there must be many of its members who would be glad to undertake any employment by which they could earn the living ordinarily got by a moderately skilled workman. It may reasonably be expected that a small addition to the policeman's pay would induce many of those unemployed medical gentlemen to become candidates for the office of guardian and preserver of the public. In that case it is obvious that there would ensue a considerable diminution of those deplorable mistakes which arise solely from policemen's unacquaintance with diagnosis. THE JOLLY DOCTORS. (Song of the Bill Season. Ex Cathedrá at a Professional Dinner.) LET us drink to early marriage, Here's a health to linendrapers, Here's to jewellers, who garnish Here's to novelist and poet; Here's to young men sentimental, Drink the wooers, and the willing To be won by them that woo. Seasonable Benevolence. SEVERAL cases have lately occurred wherein the police have removed to the For the sake of our poor neighbours, who, while the Station-house persons whom they ought to have conveyed to to the Hospital. They frost lasted, were sorely pinched by cold, we were very have picked incapable those who were really apoplectic and insensible. At this season of glad, when we walked out last Wednesday, to find the people lying unconscious in the street, and mistaken for drunk and extraordinary conviviality mistakes of that kind are likely to be made in augmented number, since the enjoyments which cause a state of intoxication are also very often the causes which occasion a state of coma. What a pity it is that medical knowledge is not generally blended with a constable's authority! It was giving. WEATHER. METEOROLOGISTS have observed that a "close" summer might, and very likely would be, if a step were taken by the Government which is invariably followed by an open winter. FASHIONABLE ECONOMY. FRIGHTFUL CLERICAL SCANDAL! cumber AN Incumbent, who hails from the "Post Office, Uxbridge," in advertising for a Curate in the Guardian, takes the opportunity of HRISTMAS bills are coming administering are "Of fashions there is little to in have but very few changes since last winter. As a rule, the dresses made then serve very well for the present season." Happy the man whose wife and daughters take this hint to heart, and are sensibly content to wear their last a merited castigation to a proverbially overpaid and often under-worked body of men. He describes himself as "somewhat tired Is it possible ? "Only a Curate," and yet expecting a "maximum of comfort!" Can it be that the "inferior clergy" are beginning, like their ecclesiastical superiors to hear "a Voice" (with a capital V) calling them to exchange £50 a-year for £70, as well as £5000 for £7000? What is the use of Twelve Days' Missions, Convocation, and Ecumenical Councils, if such anarchy as this is to prevail ? And yet see how tenderly our reverend advertiser twits his dilettante brethren. He is only "somewhat" tired of them-not very-long-suffering martyr! year's dresses! Such an act PAROCHIAL GLEE. post there pours in a large shower of "little accounts," with which succeed to the "post" so properly and politely offered at the "Post" his tradesfolk send their compliments; while every single knock goes Office, Uxbridge. through him like a knife, while he is fearfully awaiting the visit of the tax-gatherer. Therefore, O ye wives and daughters, do have pity on Papa, and please him by appearing in the dresses of last winter. Pay no heed to what you fancy will be said by MRS. GRUNDY, or any other snobbess. To live out of debt is better than to live dressed in the fashion, and so long as your old clothes are said to " serve very well," don't be in a hurry to discharge such good old servants. NEW CURIOSITIES OF LITERATURE. PORSON and WILBERFORCE devoted considerably more than a fortnight to amassing materials for a biography of those inseparable companions, HUME and SMOLLETT; but in the great fire which raged in London, in the back shop of MESSRS. BEAUMONT and FLETCHER, on Constitution Hill, the MS. which was closely written on a series of envelopes turned inside out, amounting to as many as four, was unfortunately entirely destroyed before assistance could be procured from the nearest drinking fountain. It was intended to illustrate the lives of these joint authors with (pewter) plates by the Beef-steak Club; and the whole work would have been issued in triennial parts from the Oxford Press, under the superintendence of the learned BISHOP BULL. FOOTE wrote The Traveller in a stage-coach, and afterwards, as a sequel, The Rambler in post haste, to defray the expenses of his wooden leg. GAY was the author of The Grave, and DAY. when he retired from the firm of DAY AND MARTIN, occupied himself with the composition of his Night Thoughts. The erudite WHITBY planned his Trip to Scarborough on the Yorkshire coast, and subsequently induced the EARL OF BURLINGTON to set it to music, to commemorate the inauguration of the Arcade by the original Christy Minstrels. JOHN HUNTER, during a dead calm, completed at least six-sevenths of the Anatomy of Melancholy in his cutter, with the valuable help of "slashing BENTLEY." The author of Junius was SAVAGE. BEN JONSON meant to have dedicated his Dictionary to the EARL OF CHESTERFIELD-the courtly nobleman who invented a soup, an overcoat, and politeness but Fox's Book of Martyrs to the Gout, compiled from personal reminiscences, having got the start of CURRAN on the (MUSIC. Little Pigs lie in the best of Straw.) SICK paupers lie on the nicest straw. Hrumnk! whui! c'nork! sing nandledidan: Sick paupers eat the richest plates. Hrumnk! &c. THE long and short of the sea-serpentine despatch of MR. FISH touching the Alabama claims is simply this, that the Americans complain, not that we were not neutral in their civil war, but that we were. It is now clear how we may satisfy them. We should, no doubt, do it by making them a national apology for our neglect to espouse the side of the North with active sympathy by taking measures to prevent our merchantmen from breaking the blockade of the Southern ports, by sending out cruisers to capture the Southern privateers, and by seizing and handing over to the Federal Government all the Confederate vessels that came to our harbours. In addition to owning up all this, it would only be necessary to offer to pay any amount of damages at Currency, HENRY FLOOD (familiarly known, on account of his oratory, which the United States Government might assess the losses inflicted as a flood of eloquence), and LORD HERVEY, who wrote the Meditations upon American Commerce by the Alabama, or any other Confederate amongst the Tomes in the British Museum, the sale of which did not in man-of-war that we failed to take or destroy. Early in the approaching the least affect the circulation of the blood, insisted on DRUMMOND (of Hawthornden), who had just then opened the bank at Charing Cross, dissuading his friend Jonson from waiting any longer in the Earl's back kitchen in South Audley Street. A Little Story. * FANNY was pretty, and had a clear sweet voice. FRED proposed to her, and she said "Yes." Revealing his happiness to his friend FRANK, FRED told of the joyous ring there was in FANNY's voice when she she accepted him "A wedding-ring, I suppose, old fellow," was' FRANK's neat reply. Session, if the Government should not, some independent Member of the Legislature perhaps will, move a Resolution to the effect above stated, in the House of Commons. An Organ of Anti-Enlightenment. A CERTAIN newspaper published at Rome is named the Camera Apostolica. This title shows it to be an official organ; but a more appropriate denomination would perhaps be, Camera Obscura. THE ONLY EXCUSE FOR INEBRIETY.-Better tight than lax. |