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IMPRECATIONS ON AN EXCLUSIVE.
(BY ERNULPHUS MINOR.)
Hobble, halt may he,
Burn him, shuts out me!
Fade and fall his hair.
Finding to replace.
Often break a brace.
Catch him in the rain.
May he miss his train.
Note-books, pencils, knives, pins, rings,
Studs of jet and gold.
May some little gutter-thief, Languid Swell (who has been taking it easy). “Off, TWISTLER ? WHAT!
To his fury and his grief, KNOCKED UP ALREADY, My Boy ?!”
Prig his pocket-handkerchief, Twistler (indignantly). “KNOCKED UP! WELL, WE DANCED FOURTEEN
When he has a cold.
May he, hungry, having toiled,
Pork and veal half roast or boiled,
Sirloin charred and dried.
In his kitchen may a fool, That largest-winded of all Gales-"the Tornado "-though three Foreign
Obstinate and stupid, rule, Secretaries in succession have allowed it from time to time to roar you as gently
Serve him with potatoes cool, as any sucking dove;" yea, “ to roar you an 'twere any nightingale”-is not yet disposed of. The last we hear of it, we are sorry to say, is in connection with
Chops and beefsteaks fried. the still unsatisfied claims of the luckless crew. Their case, it should be remem
May the game he fain would keep bered, is distinct from all question between the owners and the Spanish Govern
Fenced like poultry, penned as sheep,
he takes his broken sleep, ment.
Fall the poachers' prey. There is no doubt that the men were robbed of their money, clothes, and other
Let them, in their gins and snares, private property, to the amount of more than £1093. There are the affidavits of the men to prove it, backed by the testimony of the British Consul at Cadiz, who
Catch his pheasants and his hares, often visited the unlucky fellows in their prison, and helped to clothe their naked
There, with “CAUTION ” whence he scares ness. He has borne witness that none of the chronometers, watches, money,
Us, my friends, away. nautical instruments, or other articles of private property belonging to officers or men were ever restored to them. Besides this spoliation, the hapless crew endured six months' painful and rigorous
CYNICAL, PERHAPS. captivity, part of the time in irons, during which captivity some of them received injuries which shortened their days. And now the Spanish Government has the
"I HAVEN'T many minutes to stop," said BROWN, assurance to offer these men, en bloc, £1500 by way of compensation, an amount bustling into Jones's study the other morning,
but I which, deducting the amount they were robbed of, leaves each able seaman about thought I'd just run in to see you. How are you?”. £4 38.6d., or, as MR. FORBES CAMPBELL-- who is still sticking to the case, we smokes, my wife's ill, and I've got the gout."
“Out of sorts. I've mislaid my keys, my chimney are glad to say, like a Scotch terrier-pithily puts it, "a little more than one
“Well, well, that's bad, but things might have been Now, Spain 'may be in difficulties, but that is no reason why England should worse, you know.". allow sailors of hers to be first plundered, imprisoned, and ill-used, and then dis
“I do. You might have had many minutes to stop." missed with the merest mockery of compensation.
[Exit BROWN. If these had been men of a different class, we are much mistaken if such a long time would have been allowed to elapse before adequate reparation was insisted
Anecdote of High Life. upon. Let LORD CLARENDON look to it—that “the Tornado." is not allowed to blow over in this very unsatisfactory fashion.
"I'll rouge, dear, if you 'll lend me yours," observed the lovely COUNTESS DOUBLEDASH to her friend, the DOWAGER LADY Passy.
“Certainly, my dear,” replied the amiable Dowager, A POLICEMAN'S "RATTLE.”-His gossip with our female domestic servants. “I'll keep you in countenance."
You must see, I think, that you have been talking not only nonsense, TO TOM HUGHES, M.P.
but mischievous nonsense-nonsense that is quite unworthy of you, MY DEAR TOM,
however natural in the mouths of a conceited class of ignorant You are one of Punch's old friends. You have written the young fellows in fustian jackets, who are far fonder of calling themtruest and manliest book extant on English public-school life. In all selves working men than of working-who spend more time in the that you have published, and in most that
you have talked, you have public-house than the shop, and are greater “dabs” with their tongues upheld pluck, straightforwardness, the calling of spades spades, and than their tools. the recognition that men, whether gentle or simple, are, on the whole, If you knew you were talking nonsense, I am very angry with you. made of the same clay, pulled by the same strings, worthy of the same If you didn't, I am very sorry for you. But that you were talking rights, and liable to the same duties. You have more than once told nonsense, is past a doubt. And so I think you will admit when you the truth, where it wasn't at all relished, and made against your imme- come to think it over, by the light of this letter from your faithful diate popularity, -as when you came down over the knuckles of certain old friend,
PUNCH. rogues of small tradesmen in Lambeth for their fraudulent weights and measures. Holding you in respect for all these things, I am sorry to have to pluck a crow with you for certain mischievous nonsense you
CHARITY AND COOKERY. have been talking lately at a Southwark election meeting.
You were there to support MR. GEORGE ODGER-"the 'working It is thought a foolish thing to quarrel with one's bread-and-butter. man' candidate.” Now I must confess to a want of faith in candidates But there are times when such a quarrel is hardly to be wondered at, who come forward on the strength of belonging to this or that order, as for instance when a man gets very little bread to eat, and hardly connection, or interest. It doesn't matter much to me whether it's ever any butter. This is not unseldom the condition of the labourer, "the working man's candidate” or “the idle man's candidate, the and, to aggravate the fact that he gets scarce enough to eat, there is public-house candidate," or "the chapel candidate," the landlords' the fact that what he gets is sadly wasted in bad cookery. candidate," or the labourers' candidate." But of all the cants of the day, the "working man cant is about the most sickening to me. less one. She cannot vary the sickening narrow round of dishes which twelve
“ The benighted state of the agricultural labourer's wife is almost a hopeAnd Southwark has had a more than usually strong dose of it this shillings a-week provide for her husband and children. Bread, cabbage, election. The "hard-handed” business has been worked till we want bacon, potatoes, are the four articles she buys. Soup is unknown to her. The a good deal of the "hard-headed” business to take the taste of it artisan's wife is fully as ignorant. Where these go half-fed, the French out of our mouths. And you should be one of the doctors to adminis- housewife would prosper." ter the tonic. But, instead of steel, you give us ipecacuanha--the "working man mixture” as before-in the shape of such rot as this :
How to make the pot boil is with many a poor labourer, a
vastly puzzling problem; and his wife is quite as puzzled to find out “There was a great contempt for hard work here, as there was in the what to put in it. A French peasant can make soup, and a score of Southern States of America, although people scarce dare show it. They must toothsome dishes, while an English one can only serve up half-boiled knock that nonsense out of the British public, and teach them that the only cabbage and potatoes. In England, soup is an unheard-of luxury with He believed this to be thoroughly a working man's borough; and whether the cottagers; in France, and elsewhere on the Continent, no peasant electors returned a working man now or not, they might depend the thing dines without it. A basin of hot soup is surely a more palatable and would be done before another year was over.'
more nutritious meal than a scrap of bread-and-cheese, or a morsel of
fat bacon. The Examiner says truly:Now, my dear Tom, what sort of a borough, in the name of common sense, is a thoroughly working man's borough ?" One where the “The charity which introduces a new cheap food to the working poor, or opinion of working men is strong enough to swamp that of all other teaches them how to husband the heat and muscle, the carbon and the fibrin, classes ? Do you think that a very desirable kind of borough, as which they have been throwing away in waste for so many years, is one of things go ? And how could you talk that rubbish about "contempt capital importance." for hard work ?" You know perfectly well that there is no such thing, except among fools and fribbles, and you don't suppose there hobbies will be mounted to ride in that direction when Parliament
There are many schemes in view for national education, and many are more of them in England than there used to be, do you? To be next meets. Haply some one may be bold enough to move that cookthey may think work “low." But, surely, when you talk of hard ing
classes shall be added to our schools, and that besides learning to work,” you don't mean to say that the hard work deserving of most read, to write, to cipher, and to sew, poor girls shall be instructed in respect, or most qualifying men either for electing or being Members the art of making soup. And perhaps ere the next century some one of Parliament, is the material “hard work” of handicraftsmen, may be bold enough to move that no certificate of marriage shall be
granted, where a certificate of cookery cannot be produced. labourers, and mechanics ?
When you wind up by hoping that Southwark “will set an example to all England by returning a working man,", do you mean that "all England” ought to return "working men !”. Supposing, ODER to
A NOMINAL OBSTACLE. be a Phænix, are such Phænixes kept in stock? Could "all England”
A WRITER in the Daily News comments agreeably on the difficulty find Odgers at need? Don't you think a House of Commons all of finding names for the new theatres, which are now so constantly Odgers would be rather like an apple-pie all quinces ?–a House of being built, and makes one or two suggestions on the subject. We, Uncommons, in fact.
too, have a little something to suggest. We have the Gaiety. Why You say, " most of the great questions coming before Parliament are not also the “Gravity” What name could be more suitable for a theatre working men's questions. That may be. But does it at all imply that to be devoted mainly to the performance of the serious drama-if working men are the likeliest to find the answers to them? You in- there exists lessee or manager bold enough to undertake such a stanced Compulsory Education. " Was the meeting for that ?” you venture ? Again, a house abandoned to light comedy, farce, operetta, asked. Then some cried "Yes,” and some "No."
and burlesque, would not be inappropriately “ appellated" (we make “Well,” you said, “ that very difference of opinion in the meeting was an excellent reason why working men should get into the House of have not been to Stationers' Hall to register either of these names, and
an offering of this word to the American press) the "Bagatelle.” We Commons." Why? " Because it was a question which deeply affected generously place them at the disposal of all theatrical “ enterprisers ' the working men of this country.” I should have expected another because”-“because working men
(something more for America) and speculators. knew most about the question, and were best able to settle it." Then you went on :
Ecumenical. “There were many other public questions in which the working man was very much interested-for instance, the question of Direct Taxation. He knew
It is said that a priest was found concealed in a saloon of the that working men were very much in favour of direct instead of indirect taxa- Council Hall at Rome, “with the cross of one of the Bishops in his tion. He was of the same opinion, and this question must very soon come possession; " and the report speaks of the culprit as being a Neapobefore the House of Commons, and it would be of the greatest benefit that litan priest, "of no good odour.” Are not these last words somewhat there should be working men to discuss it. (Cheers.) Then there was the superfluous ? question of the administration of the Poor-Law, because pauperism was beginning to eat out the heart of this country, and it was placing increased
Sir Hugh Evans on the Ecumenical. burdens upon the people, and therefore it was absolutely necessary that men should represent the people who thoroughly understood their wants, and who
Dear Pope, these holy scandals set me sighing, had a perfect knowledge of the wishes of the people.”
For “I am of the Church." Do keep 'em quiet :
This present shindy's most unedifying, Certainly; who denies, who doubts it? But, my dear Tom, the
“It is not meet the Council hear a Riot." question is, do “working men,' even the Odgers among them,
thoroughly understand the wants and wishes of the people"-even of their own class-even of their own trades?
A LABORIOUS OCCUPATION.-Shop.Lifting.
THE LAST 'BUS. Landlord. “ WHAT ARE YER GOIN' TO 'AVE, GEN'LEMEN ?”
Driver (shivering). “ WELL—’BLESS'D IF I AIN'T FAMISHED! I SHOULD LIKE IS THERE TIME FOR A 'RABBIT?' WHO 'AVE YER GOT INSIDE, BOB ?” Conductor (aloud). “OH, ALL RESPECTABLE, ’IGH-MINDED, WELL-TO-DO PEOPLE! 'WOULDN'T 'AVE NO OBJECTION, I'M SURE ! !"
[Who could be “disagreeable" after this?
With Oyer and Terminer come daisies pied,
THE ERMINE IN SIGHT OF SPRING. “ The Judges met yesterday, and settled the Spring Circuits.”-Newspaper.
BRIGHT, blithesome announcement! Enlivening news !
ROMAN LAMBS AND ROMAN SHEPHERDS. Among the recent Roman ceremonies described by "Our Own' Council Correspondents, not the least pretty and significant is that of St. Agnes. Before the altar of her Basilica, in the Nomentan Way, are blessed two little lambs, whose innocent mutton figures afterwards on the POPE's own dinner-table—the Pope's-eyes of their respective legs twice as large and lustrous, we presume, as usual--and out of whose fleeces are woven the pallia sent by the Holy Father to Patriarchs, Archbishops, and certain favoured Bishops.
We are told how the pretty animals are brought in, bound, on crimson silk cushions, their mouths tied up with red ribbons, to prevent bleating. What wonder if scoffers persist in seeing in them a symbol of the Romish episcopate—in Council assembled-gracefully disposed on the cushions of their aula, but bound all the time in the chains of MONSIGNORE FESSLER, and gagged by the vow, of silence and secresy, which some of them have lately been “wigged” for breaking.
A TRADE THAT (NEVER FAILS.- No miller need ever be out of employment, for he can always grind his teeth.
A SABBATOMANIAC SAWNEY.
THE Globe, announcing the establishment, after much opposition, of
morning and evening, and yet on the first Sabbath on which the train was
started the passengers were greeted by a preacher at the Edinburgh terminus, “One of the papers lately, who assured them that they were hastening to a certain place at the rate of a instead of recording that the penny a mile.” President had gone on an exeursion, simply announced
But what were the railway authorities or attendants about to allow that he had excurted. The such a Sabbatomaniac as this on their platform ? They, indeed, may other day we read that. Erie consider him a harmless lunatic, but no lunatie, or maniae, can be prewas injuncted. A paragraph sumed to be harmless. Nobody can define the extent of the brainin an evening paper was disease which causes mania, Sabbatomania equally with any other. headed thus A woman Even if it were definite and determinable, it would be liable, at Burgled Nine Times in Ten
any moment, to exacerbation. There is no limiting the irritation Years."
which may be excited by a bee in the bonnet, and that excited by the Fancy the dismay of dear Sabbatarian bee is apt to be particularly violent. The minister who is old DR. JOHNSON at reading frantic enough to accost passengers alighting at a terminus on a Sunsuch uncouth phraseology day, and inform them that they are travelling to the other terminus as this! Imagine him de- above alluded to at the fare mentioned, must be very far gone. If the vouring Yankee newspapers Edinburgh railway people neglect
to turn him out of their premises for breakfast! With how when he comes there raving, they will have him, some Sunday, throwing many a cup of tea could he himself under the engine, or, what will be worse, throwing somebody gulp down, without choking, else. their grammarless contents !
Perhaps, however, this rampant Minister is not insane, but only a And when afterwards dis- very ignorant fool, who does not understand what he has read. Pos
cussing them in critical cold sibly he may be some ranting preacher, converted pugilist, coalheaver, blood, with what rotundity of phrase would he give vent to his just s.s., or something of that sort. But then the proper platform for him wrath.
Conceive the Great Lexicographer admitting to his Dic- is that of his own meeting-house, and not the railway, whence he tionary such excrescencies as : “Burgle, verb active, To break into a ought to be removed by the police whenever he presents himself, dwelling-house,” or, “Excurt, verb neuter, To go upon a journey." attempting to annoy respectable people. What groans, and grunts, and snorts of furious indignation he would forcibly emit on meeting with a sample of New English such as this : “We have interviewed the cuss who quilled our yester's Editorial,
A CHECK UPON THE TRADE CHEATS. and in this connection we may bigtype our assurance that the news which had been wired to us was regular reliable, as our reporters are their names prominently brought before the public. But we never
TRADES-PEOPLE, as a rule, are fond of being advertised, and of having injuncted from letting slide our reputation by telegramming fibs."
feel inclined so much to aid them in this matter, as when we chance to Assuredly, if speech be silver, men who coin such phrases, which stumble on such paragraphs as this :indeed should never become current, ought to be indicted for uttering false money. As a set-off to their claim for Alabama compensation, London tradespeople were summoned for using unjust weights and measures,
"At the Newington Petty Sessions no less a number than fifty-five South our Yankee friends should pay us for the injuries inflicted on the and the total of the fines inflicted amounted to seventy-two pounds." English language by word-inventing writers for the Trans-Atlantic Press.
Considering that such rascals chiefly cheat the poor, who in this hard weather are hardly clad or fed, we regret much that the only
pillory now extant is the pillory of the press. The paltry fines which THE MAN OF APRIL AGAIN.
are imposed are wholly insufficient to punish or deter men from repeatLET Louis NAPOLEON no more be called “The Man of December." ing such offences. Some good might be done, perhaps, to villains of He has now become a Constitutional Sovereign. Before he got con- newspapers, but on every dead wall and hoarding in the neighbour,
this sort, by, parading their names prominently, not merely in the nected with December he had achieved celebrity in relation to another hood of their respective
shops. Even the pavements might
be utilised month. He might then have been called The Man of April.” for giving due publicity to scamps who sell short weight. Poor people England will never forget that he turned out on the 10th of April, might be cautioned to " BEWARE OF BUTCHER BUGGINS!”, whose 1848, as a Special Constable, to aid in quelling rioters in London. He address
might be appended in letters a foot long; or they might be cannot have forgotten it himself, and might now consider whether warned from dealing with “BINKS THE BLACKGUARD BAKER!" rioters in Paris would not be best put down as he helped to put down whose offence might be placarded in the very blackest ink. To make the Chartists. Only the other day he said, “I
will answer for order.” the punishment complete, these announcements should be made at the He spoke in the spirit
of a Special Constable. No doubt he has always expense of the offenders, who should be compelled to act as their own been a Special Constable at heart. The respectable people of Paris
, bill-stickers, and post such placards prominently in front of their own turning out with sticks the other day to crush insurrection, have shown
shops. him what to do. He has simply to swear them all in as Special Constables, put staves in their hands, and take a leading truncheon in his own, as their High Constable. Then Louis NAPOLEON will be himself
Domestic Police. again. Now he has given France constitutional liberty, the whole rational world will applaud him for employing any amount of police- found by the police in the streets with a pair of bandcuffs on. They
An American paper relates that a MR. COATES, at New York, was force, with the help of bludgeons even, that may be necessary to make naturally took him for an escaped criminal, and locked him up. It professional or crazy seditionists, who obstruct the path of progress, turned out, however, that he had only broken loose from home, where, move on.
during a fit of intemperance, he had been handcuffed by MRS. COATES.
MR. Coates has had peculiar experience of the bonds of wedlock. Chemical News. It is stated that "iodide of potassium supplies the simplest test of
Astronomical. the presence of the poison likely to be found in hair-dyes and other such compounds.". There has been so much artificial treatment of Eclipse of the Moon would be
Poor Mrs. Malaprop! Having read in her Pocket-Book that the ladies' hair lately, that the term "iodide” has again and again been in special journey to the Conservatory” there from her comfortable
visible at Greenwich,” she made a the mouth of the wearied and wondering spectator, but with a slight home at Hoxton, firmly believing that at Greenwich only should she variation of spelling, taking the form of "Heigho! dyed!”
be able to witness the sight!
PROFESSOR TYNDALL'S MOTTO.—“Down with the Dust!”