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Intelligent Youth of Country Town. "AH SAY, BILL, 'ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX ?!"

AN UPPER-CLASS AWAKENER.

OUR readers may remember a famous Irish epitaph, telling how a certain lady

"Was bland, affable, and deeply religious."
That "she painted in water colours, was the niece of LADY JONES,
And of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."

That was making Heaven a place for the Upper Ten, which may be considered doubtful theology. But the handbill we reproduce below, shows us one of the Upper Ten doing his best to make it so.

"TO THE UPPER THOUSAND IN

Especially those who attend no Place of Worship.

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Those who publish this remarkable appeal probably consider that if one of the Upper Ten can get any considerable number of the Upper Ten on the right road, they will be sure to draw after them that numerous class of Englishmen, and English women, who, when the Upper Ten do anything, love nothing so well as to "go and do likewise."

It is a cunning calculation. If only the Snobs of England could be led from sin to salvation, what a harvest of souls there would be! This must be considered by those who may be disposed to doubt whether such a handbill is exactly in the spirit of that faith which we are told is no respecter of persons, and who may doubt whether the awakening qualities of a Gospel trump are likely to be enhanced by the aristocratic quality of its metal.

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How History repeats itself!

Lundi.

Of course you know the ancient story of the Irishman who declarea that somewhere in the Mediterranean he had seen anchovies growing on trees, the disbelief of his hearer, the duel, and the exclamation of the Hibernian when told that his ball, which hit the other's shin, had made him "cut capers." "O, bedad, my dear fellow, I beg you a million pardons, I meant capers."

Dining at a very good man's very good feast last Thursday, the first delicate whet, to enable us to enjoy his turtle, boiled pheasants and celery sauce, dressed crab, snipes, foie gras, and other simple necessaries, was-an anchovy of exquisite flavour, curled round in a ring, with three emerald capers in the centre.

On second thoughts, I don't see how this repeats history, but as I chiefly write to call your polite attention to the delightful whet in question, the moral is the same. Midnight Club.

Ever yours,

A PENSIVE PROTOPLASM.

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Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, January 22, 1870.

ROME AND RAMSBOTHAM.

D

EAR MR. PUNCH,-It is so cold here, that I can scarcely hold a pen. I should say the murky in the glass must have gone down some decrees below sneezing point.

The Economical Consul is still sitting; but sitting still, except before a fire, is simply perishing. As to what they're doing inside, no one can tell; and I have received so many reports, that I am in a regular state of contusion. However, what I will tell you, (as there is nothing about the Great Doctor being variegated just at present) is a lot of particulars about their References the Elastics, now in Rome,-their habits, their customs, and their manners genially. This, I am sure, will be interesting to all ladies,-specially to those who belong to the Very High, or Riddle Party, in our English Church, who are fond of senses, Jezebels, coops, and like everything, or everybody, infested with the elastic dignity. The Priests of different nations wear different dresses. For instance, the French Elastic: he wears a black cossack, a sultan, and a pair of rabbits round his neck, not unlike our clergyman's banns, knee indispensaries and silk stockings, (what they call bardy swore,) shoes and buckles. What we call our Big Churches, the French call their Little Elastics, that is, Abbeys. Out of doors some wear large coalscuttle hats; but in Church all wear operettas, to keep their tonsils warm. The tonsils are only worn by the Regular Clergy (as a rule,) and are, you know, little round places shaved on the crown, about the size of half-a-crown. Why the Irregular Clergy are not allowed to shave is clear, from their name: but what a state of things, when Roman Candlesticks can publicly own to a large number of their Elastics being Irregular! It's quite a candle to anybody.

The Bishops wear nitres, and coops all round them; also pictorial crosses round their necks.

The Patriarchs are all here, and I thought they were dead long ago. How History does lie! I saw a High Dilatory of the Easter Church saying Mass. He was dressed in a Jezebel, which congealed his surplus from sight; but I was told that he didn't wear a surplus, but only a bulb, embroiled at the bottom with lace.

I heard ARCHBISHOP MANNING preach. They say he is a Doctor as well as an Archbishop, and in very good practice; but how he finds time to attend to two things puzzles me. But I suppose he has an assistant to go his rounds in London while he's away.

Talking of that, I hear that in England they are going to appoint a few Suffering Bishops.

But to return. The Roman Bishops, who haven't any 'seas, are called Bishops in Artichokes--why I don't know.

if

Everybody out of their pail is an errotic. I am one; but really the Riddle Commissaries at home are going to make altercations in the old Church Service, and have a new Dictionary read from the decks on Sunday instead of the well-known Lessons, I shall be inclined to become a Roman Candlestick myself, or a member of some Dysentery body. The River Tiger has risen and gone back again. There was a foxchase outside the walls. The hounds and people met at the tomb of Silly Meddler. Cheerful spot, I should say.

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PUNCH'S SAUCE AND HARVEY'S MEDITATIONS.

SOME Conservatives have been holding festival at Newport, in the Isle of Wight. The stars seem to have been chiefly Captains and Parsons. Now Captains and Parsons have a perfect right to dine together, and to make what they are pleased to think Conservative speeches. Also a CAPTAIN HARVEY, one of the magnates, had an entire right to say

"Receive then the toast I have proposed to you with three such cheers as perhaps, may waft them to Osborne, and they may fall, not ungratefully, on shall be heard by our brother Conservatives at Ryde-while the echoes, the ears of our QUEEN, causing a throb of pleasure in her heart, for she will feel them to be the cheers of her Conservative subjects, who earnestly hope she may be spared for long years to reign over them."

The sentiment is that of a loyal soldier, so we will not dwell upon the remembrance of a certain picture by a great artist (long dear to Punch) who depicted a musical lodger playing a big drum and trumpet in the next room to that of a sick neighbour, and alleging that the sound might "soothe the invalid to a gentle slumber." Possibly, however, the plash of the sea-waves might be more agreeable to a delicate Lady than the shouts of a lot of jovial Tories at dinner. Passing this, Mr. Punch begs distinctly to deny CAPTAIN HARVEY'S right to distort the original meaning of what he calls a famous old song. He was down upon work-hating mobs," whose views he described in the following quotation :"My eye! what jolly times for we.

We'll swig all day, and live rent free,
And make them lords eat husk and bran,
And kiss the big toe of the small coal man."

These elegant lines are not from a famous old song, but from a squib in the John Bull of old days. Written, Mr. Punch believes, by MR. THEODORE HOOK, they were directed against no less distinguished an aristocrat than MR. LAMBTON, afterwards LORD DURHAM, whose coalproperties and advanced creed were thus delicately satirised. He was the Small Coal Man, and it was further stated that"He says that when he has control

He'll make all things dog-cheap-but Coal,
And gin shall flow in each man's can,

Says my prime little trump of a Small Coal Man."

More by token, the object of this elegant wit didn't like it, and brought an action, and recovered damages. Mr. Punch is (in one respect only) like unto a personage in a play by BEN JONSON. "When a quirk or quiblin does 'scape thee, and thou dost not watch and apprehend it, and bring it afore the Constable of Conceit, let them carry thee out of"-thy easy chair, and seat thee at a Conservative meeting of Captains and Parsons, shouting to the QUEEN.

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SQUARE MEN IN ROUND HOLES.

"A LITTLE bird that can sing and won't sing must be made to sing," we used to be told in the nursery. But what if the little bird, or great bird, can't sing? It is not worth its keep, unless for the table. But you can't cook such a Goose as a Home-Secretary, or such a Booby as a Chief Commissioner of Works. If the former is incompetent to exercise his legal power of determining what fares cabmen may reasonably charge, and the latter cannot perform his proper function of superintending public monuments, buildings, and parks from ignorance of Art, send them about their business, or put them in places which they are fit to fill:Neither AYRTON nor BRUCE, We'll call booby or goose,

But they both, where they 're posted, are sticks of no use -and may, with all due respect to MR. GLADSTONE's discernment, be said to be Ministerial duffers.

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Artist (who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE). "HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES ?"
Model. "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJYS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH, SIR, THANK Y' SIR!"

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Strand.

Here J. S. CLARKE plays in the farce of Toodles.

He is the very king of drunken noodles.
For Ino's triumph managers must thank
The actors, and note down, "Ino-a bank."
Astley's and Crystal Palace.

The Pantomimes are hearty,
The Pantomimes are funny,
So go and make a party

To see and pay your money.

Gallery of Illustration.

Ages Ago. In this the GERMAN REEDS
Have everything to suit their patrons' needs.
'Tis rather funny" and 'tis "rather witty,"

A Drawing entertainment neat and pretty.

Pictures to leave their frames and speak are made,

A notion old, but nicely réchauffé'd.

The dish, thus cooked, with music, FREDERICK CLAY'S,
And FANNY HOLLAND's flavouring Hollandaise,

With ARTHUR CECIL'S fresh unstagy art,

Forms of the Reedian fare the earlier part:
Then "screaming" Cox and Box the audience sends
Side-holding, home, and so the programme ends.

An Impossible Parson.

CAN it possibly be true that the Vicar of Richmond refused to allow the Richmond fire-escape to be kept in Richmond Churchyard because that ground was consecrated? Let us hope not, for such a refusal on the part of a clergyman would manifest a deficiency of humanity entirely incompatible with any knowledge of divinity. May any one capable of it never be in want of a fire-escape for himself.

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in stagecoaches, on wet Saturday afternoons, and when lying awake at night; for the Bishop suffered greatly from sleeplessness, and in vain endeavoured to provoke slumber by repeating to himself the names of all the curates in his diocese, by going through the ThirtyNine Articles and the great Councils of the Church, and by other professional

RICHARDSON (the Showman), who quitted this country after the massacre of St. Bartholomew's, wrote Clarissa Harlowe in the intervals between the performances, and dedicated it to SIR CHARLES GRANDISON, who had just then joined SIR ROGER DE COVERLEY (coming from a dance in the Addison Road) in establishing the paper which still flourishes under the name of the Spectator. MR. THOMAS JONES was the first editor, ALEXANDER SELKIRK and the notorious BARRINGTON the foreign correspondents, with an occasional letter from MR. L. GULLIVER, and BEAU BRUMMEL and LORD OGLEBY contributed the fashionable intelligence. CONGREVE invested a considerable part of the fortune he had amassed by his plays and rockets in this new venture; and SIR GODFREY LELY painted for the Barber Surgeons the portraits of all concerned in the undertaking.

The original inventor of steel-pens was the founder of Pen-Sylvania, which

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(6 'Speaking Volumes."

he bought with the profits of his patent, and planted with mag-| num-bonums. Not the least useful of the "Century of Inventions" was the celebrated Worcester Sauce, first devised by the must surely be the narrative of what is called a speaking countenance. A NOVEL is announced with the name of What her Face says. This scientific Marquis in a dream, while attending the festival of the Three To make the work complete, a portrait should be added, which might Choirs in the city from whence he and his condiment derived their be appropriately called a speaking likeness. title. To SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH we are indebted for the impervious outer garment which will immortalise his name so long as it continues to rain; and another article of dress, now but seldom seen, can be

WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN ?-Fawn Colour.

COMPETITION FOR A CROWN.

O King nor any chance of
one! is an exclamation
which, just now, might be
uttered, with a suitable
change of idiom, in Spanish,
by anyone of that nation.
Everybody qualified by
Royal station to be a candi-
date for the Crown of Spain
is backwards in coming for-
wards as our servant-girls'
saying is.

Heigho, what can the reason
be?

Heigho, what can ail Spain ?
Nobody coming to rule o'er
me;

Nobody coming to reign!
-might at present be sung
by a Spaniard of the gentler
sex in the character of her
Nation personified. Take
the foregoing snatch of song
as part of a provisional sub-
stitute for a Spanish Na-
tional Anthem.

ODE TO CONFIDENCE.
SWEET Confidence, of Gain, by Venture, child,
Scared hence by Speculation wild,

Fled, after lost Astræa, to the skies,
Descend again on Britain's isle,
Bid trade revive, and traders smile,

Elated with increasing merchandise.
Send up the prices of our stocks and shares,
Afar from 'Change drive all the bears,

Make imports vast, and exports vastly more.
Cause artisans their strikes to cease,
The rate of Pauperism decrease,

And give employ to all who lacked before.

Stir timid Capital, with dauntless breast
In Irish projects to invest,

That PADDY may have something else to do
Than tumble, with a coward's shot,
His Landlord; may, with bettered lot,
Renounce sedition and the Fenian crew.

The Builder, Confidence, anew command
To rear, on waste unlovely land,

With enterprising view, abodes of men;
But, if thou move him to deface
One sylvan scene, one open space,

Then, Confidence, ascend to Heaven again.

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MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

WANTED, A GENTLEMAN, of adult age, mature intellect, and political and military knowledge and experience sufficient to enable him to discharge the office of Constitutional Monarch of a newly emancipated European State, formerly a First-rate Power, and capable, in competent hands, of regeneration in the scale of Nations. A Liberal Allowance the pillars, about the steps down to the mysterious spring which comes will be given, with splendid Palace. Candidates desirous of obtaining this situation are invited to manifest their ability to perform its duties by submitting themselves to the ordeal of a Competitive Examination. Applications for admission, with Testimonials, &c., to be addressed to SERRANO, Madrid. N. B. Any Irish, uninfected with Ultramontane principles, may apply.

Might not an advertisement, such as that above sketched out, inserted in the leading European journals, possibly prove the means of procuring a creditable occupant for the long vacant throne of Spain? There are, doubtless, many persons naturally fit to be Kings of Men, who are at the same time in lack of means, and of the employment for which they are best adapted, and would be very glad to embrace an opportunity of obtaining the Spanish Kingship on reasonable terms.

A MERITED COMPLIMENT.

MEMBERS of the Ecucomical Council have, we premise, no particular right to complain of Protestant sarcasm. If a Party gets up on the top of a house, and bawls forth, "Mr. Punch will certainly go to Tartarus," that gentleman, walking below, has surely a right to reply, "You're another." But we do not want to be unkind or disrespectful. In that spirit of not wanting, we take leave to signify our approval of the rule that in the Ecucomical debates, no speaker is to make the slightest reference to what any other speaker has said. This is a little like playing at draughts, with each player's men on different colours, but no matter. It was a gentle and gentlemanly device to save the feelings of the Fathers. ARCHBISHOP MANNING and BISHOP DUPANLOUP are skilled linguists as well as accomplished theologians, and could fight their duello in half-a-dozen languages. But how much could the Archimandrake of Laodicea understand of the Latin of the Prophylactic of Hippopotamos? Now all are on a level, and the graceful thought that put them there deserves all praise.

Lines to Dupanloup.

(BY ARCHBISHOP MANNING ?)

PAPAL Infallibility deny,

And stand refuted by the dullest glutton,
Who knows, and will inform you, the Pope's Eye
Is never failing in a leg-of-mutton.

France Marching On.

A SOCIAL revolution in France appeared to be suggested by the practice, newly adopted amongst Frenchmen, of carrying revolvers. It was, however, reassuring to hear that the middle classes in Paris had put down attempted revolution with sticks.

ENTER under a colonnade in front of a small garden. This is the Elisa Garden. There is something peculiarly Heathen-Templish about out of a lion's mouth in marble hot and hot, about the maiden of the waters, and also about the water-seekers with their glass mugs of various colours and dice-box shaped tumblers, that the idea crosses my mind (I have no one to tell it to, so it only crosses my mind, and then, I suppose, re-crosses it) that we are engaged in some Pagan rite, and that the Undine-[Happy Thought that, Undine." Who was Undine? lion. No. Think of this as I descend the steps slowly]-the Undine Let me see: German legend, Undine and the Water-Spout; or the of the fountain is the High Priestess.

is

1

Happy Thought.-Elisa's fountain, and this is MISS ELISA.

the smell of the mineral springs. It might (the smell, I mean) be We are in a curious atmosphere under these Pagan columns. This produced, I imagine, artificially by stirring up a slightly stale egg with a lucifer match until it boiled. In ten minutes' time one ceases to notice it; though, at first, I think of writing indignantly to the Board of Works at Aachen, and complaining of defective drainage. I left my Cottage near a Wood on account of drainage, so it's natural to be annoyed at being followed by a smell. The cure, on this supposition, is homœopathic. Here I am to take my first draught. I feel a little nervous. Happy Thought.-Stand aloof to see what the other people do. Look about.

Having descended the steps, I find myself, with two or three dozen others, invalids of all nations-[Happy Thought.-Good subject this for a Cartoon in the House of Lords," Invalids of all Nations"],-as at the hotel, in a sort of large area, with railings at the top, over which lounging spectators look down upon us and make remarks, just as the people do to the bears in their pit at the Zoological Gardens when they give them buns, only they don't give us buns. Shouldn't mind a bun, by the way, only DR. CASPAR says, nothing before, or with, the waters; nothing, in fact, until breakfast, and then, if possible, less.

I

German, English, and French is being spoken freely; English, I think, predominating. There are three languages that puzzle me; subsequently find they are Russian, Dutch, and Greek. The Dutch I always thought was a rolling sort of tongue, so to speak; but, on reflection, I fancy this idea was mainly founded upon the remembrance of having heard "Oh, that a Dutchman's draught should be," by a bass singer, late at night, years ago. (Mem. for Typical Developments. Early Impressions. Technical Education. Children. Dutchmen.)

MISS ELISA stands behind a semicircular counter, and is rapid, sure, and business-like in all her movements. I put forward my hand to her with my tumbler in it. She looks at me for a second or so. Not to see what I want, but because (I found this out afterwards on being accustomed to the scene) I am new to her. She is very pretty; should like to say in good German to her, "Gretchen, my pretty one, wilt Thou give me some of the tepid and limpid Stream that rushes from the Lion's Mouth?" I am sure I understand thoroughly the German spirit, if I only knew the language.

Happy Thought.-Say "Wasser" as sweetly as possible, because I

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