GREAT BOON TO OUR HOUSEHOLD GUARDS. MR. BULL. "I NEVER DOUBTED YOUR BRAVERY, MY STRONG FRIEND: WHAT I WANT IS MORE BRAINS; SO, TO ENCOURAGE THEM, I'LL GIVE YOU A WHOLE SHILLING A WEEK MORE!!!" [N.B. This is the English of "Important Concessions in point of pay to the Metropolitan Police." - See Morning Papers. GETTING BUTTER OUT OF A DOG'S MOUTH. S we prophesied last week, the Guardia Civile only found on the The Times draws a comparison between the comedy of Gibraltar and the recent tragedy in Greece. "Where," it asks, "is the keystone of the difference between the cases?" It admits that much credit is due to the tact and energy of MR. LAYARD, but the essential distinction is in "the promptitude of the Spanish Government." agreed to take. Until they had clutched the treasure in the streets of Cadiz, and were well on their way back to their haunts with their money in their bags, no sign of force was made. Then, in a moment retribution fell on the guilty band, and they were nearly all slain, while a portion of the price of their villainy was recovered." "A portion?" Yes, £700, out of £5000. Again we ask, where is the rest of the money? It seems that ŞIR RICHARD AIREY advanced the amount to MR. BONELL Senior out of the military chest at Gibraltar. Let us hope, when our Government tries to get the money back from the Spanish it won't find its claim an airy nothing." Possibly the BONELLS may be made to pay up. But the least probable solution, of all probable solutions, we will answer for it, is the one suggested the Times : "We imagine that SIR RICHARD AIREY will demand the repayment of his loan from MR. LAYARD, and that MR. LAYARD will not be slow in recovering it from the Foreign Office at Madrid." Punch has the greatest respect for MR. LAYARD, and a large faith in his power of dealing with uncivilised Governments, but we fear, it will be beyond even MR. LAYARD'S power, to make a Spanish Government stump up to the tune of £5000-witness the Tornado case. A Spanish Government can bully-can bluster-can lie-can cheat, with or without forms of law-above all, it can rob-even its own robbers. But one thing it won't do-whether it can or no-and that is pay its debts, above all to Englishmen. It acts upon, whether or not it avows, the patriotic reason, that it can't bear handing over "the Spanish" to English hands. " In Greece, and especially in the Greek Foreign Office, we found nothing but vacillation at a period of the negotiations when firmness was required, and nothing but obstinacy when a temporising and conciliatory policy should have been pursued. In Spain it was quite otherwise. The brigands were tracked and watched from a distance. Their proceedings "good-natured friends." were every one of them observed and known, without their being aware of the fact. They They are never tired of talking about him, and pointing were encouraged by negotiation to demand and even to grasp the ransom which they had out his black spots. THE FARM AND THE SCHOOL. EES, wonderful weather we've had as you zay, Wuss weather for farmun there hardly could be, There's farmun and farmun; some farmers there's, too, They pinches the most they can out o' their keep, Till want, rags, and filth kills 'um off like zick sheep; They ought to be hanged draad and quartered, no doubt, And them childern's parunts still wusser sarved out. But we British farmers med truly declare Poor childern we never sees used like that there; And now I can't tell 'ee how thankful I feels This here pocket into I'll put this here hand, To rade and write proper their own country tongue. Le Sport. A. COCKNEY sportsman, wishing to introduce hare-hunting into France, is seriously meditating a work on the subject, to be entitled, Arrière-pensées; or, Thoughts on Keeping 'Ariers. His nom de plume will be Le petit Jean du Jockey-Club. ASTRONOMERS are the Sun's SLEEP-DRIVING. Two poor diables of Essex carters were fined, the other day, for being asleep on their carts on the Bow Road. The defence of the unhappy drivers deserves attention. It seems these men have no regular hours for sleep allowed them by their masters. In the day they work in the market-garden, or on the farm : at night they have to drive their carts up to London with the produce, and back. The only sleep they get, according to their own account, from Monday morning to Sunday night, is in the litter of the stable, or atop of the loads in their carts, or the manure they carry back in them. How comes it that men submit to such conditions? Are the Essex clodhoppers really so much duller than their neighbours, as to give two days' work for one day's wages? Or, are the relations of labour and capital so distorted, that the master can really, in this case as in that of the London bakers, impose any hours and conditions of toil he pleases, on the poor wretches whom he employs? The case is worth looking into. We recommend it to MR. TREMENHEERE, who is always inquiring and making blue-books about somebody or something or other that is out of joint. Sleep-walking only harms the somnambulist. But sleep-driving is apt to endanger the lives and limbs of passengers. We can't have the population of Bow run over; but it seems hard to lay the carters of Essex under hours of Jabour which make it impossible for them to impossible keep their eyes open. We recommend the East-End Magistrates, if the law allows them, to let off the men, and to bleed, instead, those Essex calves, their masters. HYDE PARK IN ECLIPSE. WHAT ails Hyde Park? 'Tis not as 'twas of yore, Do Rank and Fashion, like to Capital Or can it, as Hope whispers it may be, Would it not be a graceful bit of fun TO LOTHAIR. THE Irish, though "a melancholy and contiguous race" (quotation from MR. DISRAELI, there or thereabouts), use most poetical expressions. They wish you "the top of the morning." Evidently MR. DISRAELI forgot to introduce this salutation into his novelette Ixion. As thus : "Aurora was in high spirits, amusing herself with a whip. ""What are you doing, child?" asked deorum pater, good-humouredly. He was always good-humoured when in his dressing-gown and slippers; he had just soaked a petit pain in chocolate. """Spinning the top of the morning, answered the goddess, archly. She had recently visited Ireland, and had brought away with her the slightest brogue in the world. ""To the Styx wid the brogue,' she retorted on the Son of Ops remarking her accent--'Don't you see I wear sandals?' "Jupiter.... but at this moment Juno entered, and Mercury followed with the morning paper." PROVERB OF NO VALUE In June, 1870. "MAKE Hay while the Sun Shines." Can't. ANOTHER HAPPY THOUGHT. SCENE-Mr. Punch's Library. PRESENT.-Mr. Punch. Author of "Happy Thoughts." Mr. Punch. Ain't you going to do something important for the new volume P A. H. T. I are. Mr. P. What? A. H. T. BOOMPJE. Mr. P. Sounds well. Series? A. H. T. Oui, mein Herr. Mr. P. Make it amusing, and send it in early. In watching featherless bipeds, I have noticed some with habits hardly differing from those ascribed to these two birds. Little ducks have, to my knowledge, been found with a much longer bill (for articles of finery) than that which has been given to their gander of a husband; is clear that she can have one. and, though a little duck of the kind may daily share her grub with him, it is first of all on the effort of the male that she depends for her support. I would recommend your scientific readers to pursue the analogy by paying an early visit to this interesting couple. I believe it will be found to be considerably more interesting than many interesting couples they may elsewhere meet. Yours obediently, The Rookery, Tuesday. OBADIAH CROWSFOOT. To Well-Informed Piscatorials. Query. What sort of fish is a Nod? A. H. T. If your grandmother requires a lesson in oval suction, it Mr. P (sternly). Sir, you are Boompjeous. (Sweetly.) Take a cigar. Probably Mediæval. Two Templars were starting for the Continent. "Gramercy," quoth the elder to the younger, "thy trunk is open, the string hath broke." "By my hilts!" cried the younger, in no sort discouraged, "tis well that it has been registered." "Beshrew me!" answered the elder, archly, "twould be better an 'twere recorded." [And they went by the next train. PEERS PECKING AT PEERS. Note. A Nod is a sea-fish, and is, probably, of of the limpet tribe. This we gather from our knowledge of the Periwinkle, known in polite circles as the 'Wink. The value of the Nod has come down to us in Law Lords always had a tendency to pull each other's Bills to pieces. EARL GRANVILLE, the other day, had occasion to remark that the the form of an old proverb, "A Nod is as good as a 'Wink," and this Doves bill and coo; but a different sort of billing is natural to no doubt originated the query to which we have satisfactorily replied. prey. birds of A.B.C. "with a Difference," 218 Abilities of Women (The), 195 Affair Peter (The), 21 American Newton (An), 243 Fall of Hausmann (The), 21 Falsified Faces, 145 Christmas Keeping and Christmas Break- Fears of Female Emancipation, 157 Historical Manuscripts' Commission, 144 Hyde Park in Eclipse, 258 Important Cabinet Revelation, 22 Imprecations on an Exclusive, 40 Fenian's Quick March from Canada, 241 Improvement on Furbelow, 104 All about Nutting, 176 Amends to America, 9' Farewell to the New Forest, 171 Farm and the School (The), 257 Fashionable Economy, 9 Fashionable Intelligence, 144 American Slangography, 44 "Am I my Brother's Keeper?" 106 Fearful Rite at Rome (A), 137 Few Predictions (A), 188 Another Irish Grievance, 187 Figaro's "Folle Journée," 241 Anything Green in Blackheath, 239 Apology (An), 165 Fine Feathers for Fine Birds, 157 Archiepiscopal Grammar, 123 Art-Culture for Criminals, 160 Asclepius his Daughters, 113 Another Happy Thought, 258 At Spes non Fracta, 153 At the Academy-Perplexed, 191 BABOO Keshub Chunder Sen, 155 Beadles at Brussels (The), 64 Better Day, Better Deed, 81 Betting Blackguard's Ballad (The), 169 Beware of Pickpockets! 234 Beware of the Trains, 230 Bilingual Utterances, 115, 148 Bishops to Make! Bishops to Mend! 14 Blessing on an Old Broome (A), 46 British Blessing for India (A), 195 CAB of the Future (The), 160 Cnadian Volunteers' Song (The), 234 Capital Investment (A), 93 Clergyman who Keeps a Conscience (A), 7 Fenians' Raging Fury (The), 100 Fine Head of Humbug (A), 88 Fine Times for Madame Tussaud, 220 First-Night and other Dramatic Criticisms, 143 Fish Nipped in the Spawn, 143 Florid Style (The), 45 Flunkeyisms in Excelsis, 149 Fountain of Honour in France, 176 "Fourth R" Question Composed (The), 145 Infallible Out-and-Outer (The), 118 Involuntary Owls, 128 Io Pæan! 147 Irish Treasonmonger to Himself (The), 135 Irrepressible Sunday Bill (The), 93 Is Tight-Lacing Injurious? 185 JOLLY Doctors (The), 8 Jovial "Reading" Party (A), 209 Justice for Ireland! 136 Justice for Justice, 140 Justice Holding her Own, 124 KING Maw or Another, 189 LACONIC Reform in Parliament, 168 La Mode and La Misère, 77 Iay of Licensing Amendment, 90 "Leap of Quintus Curtius" (The), 138 Learning for Ladies, 96 Charity of the Stage (The), 269 Charles Dickens, 244 Cheap at the Money, 104 Check upon the Trade Cheats (A), 44 Cherub in a Cradle (A), 159 Chiesa Buffa, Holborn, 116 ing, 2 Church Artillery, 146 Coercion for the Ladies, 149 Collarado, 200 Collegiate Charity (A), 103 Comfort for the Lowly, 169 Corporeal Enlightenment, 127 Corrected Edition of the Hon. Hamilton Fish's Despatches, 4 Cramming at Home and at School, 3 Distressing Occurrence, 148 Dramatic Origin of Species, 209 Free and Easy Versions of the Classics, 88 French Justice to Ireland, 197 French Modistes and French Modesty, 171 From "Our own Correspondent," 73, 119 Frou-Frou, 178 GENERAL Sham, 128 Le Mieux est l'Ennemi du Bien, 153 Lines to Dupanloup, 34 Lisping in Numbers, 127 Listeners Hearing Good of Themselves, 187 Literary Ice-Stacks, 137 Live Sea-Serpent (A), 175 Getting Butter out of a Dog's Mouth, 257 Long Step in the Right Road (A), 76 Give a Dog, &c., 148 Give him a Stone, 196 (The), 171 Echo Ecumenicalis, 113 Economy for Ladies, 230 Eddication League (The), 72 Edwin to Angelina, 186 Effects of the Irish Land Bill, 78 Good News for Bad Travellers, 53 Look at the Clock, 86 Lords and Commons, 198 Loss to Ancient Nicholas (A), 233 Low Gamblers and the Better Orders, 196 Gracious Evans, and a Charming Dick MACBETH not Dogberry, 177 Grave of Charles Dickens (The), 253 pany (The), 19 Great Meeting in the City, 167 Great Untaxed in Posse? (The), 148 Egyptian Progress, 130 Eighty Miles at a Stretch, 76 En Voila bien Assez, 113 Groundless Panic, 186 Ermine in Sight of Spring (The), 43 Gush of Eloquence (A), 63 Euphemism before Accuracy, 201 HANDY-Capping, 123 Evenings from Home, 32, 49, 105 Hard Work for Hoofs, 186 Experiment on John Bull (An), 250 Extra Law Lord (An), 22 FAITES votre jeu-Le jeu est fait ! 157 Fal-lals for February, 62 Height of Just Taxation (The), 153 He is an Edile! 208 High, Low, Broad, or Narrow? 208 Hint for the Academy (A), 93 Madmen and their Murderers, 115 Manchester's Medical Charities, 115 Mark Lemon, 219 Master hath Spoken (The), 199 Matrimonial Qualification for M.P., 159 Mediumship, Home and Foreign, 149 Ministries and Mobs, 54 Misjudgment of Judges (The), 207 Monasteries and Monasteries, 154 More Happy Thoughts, 1, 17, 28, 34, &c. Hints for Conversation (Derby Day), 230 More New Theatres! 3 |