66 A SAVAGE" WIGGING. CAPTAIN OF MINISTERIAL TEAM. "LOOK HERE, A-RT-N! WE WERE BEAT THE OTHER DAY AT KENSINGTON ENTIRELY THROUGH YOUR WILD AND RECKLESS HITTING. YOU REALLY MUST ALTER YOUR FORM, OR YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN !!" PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT: When our Mint is idle (which it never would be if the Authorities had a proper sense of things; for then they would be always coining five-guinea pieces to be sent in UNE 9TH. Thursday. purses to Mr. Punch and his young men, as slight testiTheir Wisdoms the monials of their perpetually saving the nation), we coin Commons met after for other Powers. MR. MUNTZ thinks that this compethe holidays. Their tition with commercial persons is unfair. MR. LOWE thinks Superior Wisdoms that as we must keep up a staff of skilled workmen, we (quoad hoc), the Lords, had better let them fill up their leisure by coining for declined to abbreviate Mint-less nations than sit idle. The raising such small their recess, and re- questions reminds Mr. Punch of certain persons who posed until the fol-minded Mint, aniseed, and so on, and neglected greater lowing Monday. matters of law-and law-making. LORD MAHON took his seat for East Suffolk, and Mr. Punch congratulates the accomplished historian, LORD STANHOPE, upon his son's being thus bound prentice to statesmanship. We trust that the young nobleman will show himself worthy of the name so long adorned by his Sire. Mr. Punch was glad to see MR. DISRAELI in his place again, and giving no sign of having suffered from his own illhealth, or any correspondent's ill-man ners. Well, what are late hours? MR. GILPIN very properly objected to those of the House. MR. Lowe's idea of lateness was illustrated by his saying he could not take certain business after one o'clock. This sounds early to young ladies who go to balls; but the House is composed of middle-aged gentlemen of sixty or so, who, if they go to balls, ought to be ashamed to go to constituents. The principal debate, on the Customs and Revenue Bill, was about "sugar" the article that is put into tea-not that put into the dirty hands of dirty electors. There was a question of draw-back, raised by MR. CRAUFURD. No doubt he was quite right; but we wish, in the interest of Materfamilias, that he would let the matter alone, as any grocery discussion in the House makes the Grocers raise prices, by nefarious instinct. The Government got a small beating, 49 to 45, on a small horse-tax, which even the SPEAKER descended from his altitude to condemn from the Treasury Bench. The Yeomanry were a good deal laughed at, but £80,000 was voted for those Braves, by 124 to 20. Friday. MR. GREGORY said that the fares on the South-Eastern Railway were much higher than on any other line. MR. GILPIN denied that they were excessive. We shall take early opportunity of testing this, by tendering at the pay-place what we think a just fare, and should the ticket be refused us, we shall impeach MR. GILPIN, and have him sent to the Tower. Not that this will be any punishment, for he will have the honour of visits from the gallant Constable, of whom we saw an excellent large photograph in Bond Street yesterday, and whom we rejoiced to behold looking as we trust he will look for many a year. Now, who but Mr. Punch could have got a chivalrous compliment out of a prosaic paragraph? He turns everything to gold, except what he makes into diamonds. Said MR. GRANT DUFF-The Indian Income-tax is not officially settled, but "nothing was less probable" than that it would be disallowed. A trifle-some eightpenny matter," quo' Falstaff. That is indeed the amount, but "nothing is less probable" than that Indian income-earners will consider it a trifle. Gambia-where's that? There is a character of that name in The Slave, and MR. MACREADY used to play it admirably a good many years ago. But there is some other Gambia, for we are going to hand it over to France. As the population consists of 39 males and 8 females, the EMPEROR does not gain a vast accession of subjects; but we should like to know what he pays for these 47, per head. The number is small, but whether the Government is quite justified in selling colonists should, we think, be considered. We see in Magna Charta no direct authorisation of the practice. But Gambia must be a good way aff, so it doesn't much matter. Sancho Panza is an authority, and his outbreak of joy at being nominated a governor is caused by his instant recollection that he can sell his people as slaves. MR. CAMPBELL proposed to do away with the present system of County Government. He looks on the provincial magnate as a Guy, and sings, from Quentin Durward "O County Guy! He desires Municipal Institutions in the country districts. MR. BRUCE opposed such sweeping changes in arrangements that had been the growth of centuries, and was victorious by 61 to 39, and we trust that this will give the Opposition "In future talk a fair excuse To speak more nobly of the BRUCE." Attorney General SIR R. COLLIER introduces a Bill affecting advertisements for the recovery of stolen property, the present system working objectionably. While he is about it, Mr. Punch wishes that SIR ROBERT would look at a good many other advertisements, and would introduce a clause preventing some of the atrocious vulgarisms with which folks seek to attract notice at any price. We shall have such things printed upside down next, indeed we have seen this done in low class provincial papers. Mr. Punch tramples beneath the deep Titanian prisons any one who dares to say that these be small matters. It is no small matter to be offended regularly every morning (except Sunday) just when you are in a sweet temper from the first rich draught of coffee a great deal too strong to please the doctors. PILGRIMS IN PROGRESS. (4 Canticle for the Platform.) Every glorious Human Soul! Driving to the True and Good. Infallible Pill. CARDINAL ANTONELLI has replied to the remonstrances of certain Powers on the addition about to be made to Roman doctrine, that there is no occasion for them to be afraid of Infallibility, as it will be merely an abstract dogma. Precisely so; and no doubt those Powers will take very good care that such it shall remain. Perhaps they will be further of opinion that the sovereignty of an infallible Pontiff had better be purely spiritual. Then Italia farà da se, including Rome, Verb. sat. sap.; and if that is not convertible with Verb. sat. Pap., who is to blame? Novum Organum. Scotland, DR. BEGG (capital name for a divine living on IN a recent General Assembly of the Free Church of the alms of the Free Faithful) protested against the introduction of the Organ into their public worship. Rather than that, he would see the Anglican Surplice, or any other innovation. If the reverend gentleman objects to music, he should have added Anglican "bands" to the other ministerial "ornament." But surely DR. BEGG forgets that if he has an organist in the church, he is sure of extra "voluntary" contributions, and notes, too. SIMPLE CHARADES FOR IDLE MOMENTS. (Hot Weather. 90° in the Shade. Too hot for guessing. Recommended to be taken with cooling drinks.) THE principle adopted here is that on which MR. OLLENDORF has founded his method of teaching languages; i. e., that every question contains its own answer. 1st Charade-My first is a Hat, my second is a Box, and my whole is what you put a hat in. Answer. Hat-box. 2nd Charade.-My first is a Boot. My second is a Fish, (if very hot say "a Jack" at once), and my whole is what you pull off your boots with. Answer. Boot-jack. To this was awarded the second prize. 3rd Charade-My first is Night, my second is Cap. My whole is night-cap. Answer (almost evident). Night-cap. This gained the first prize for its charming simplicity and pointed wit. Riddle. If a pig was made out of a guinea, what sort of a pig would he resemble? Answer. A guinea-pig. This was considered too recondite by the President of the Lazy Club, and the proposer was fined in Wenham Lake ice. Riddle.-Why is a man who, when at Dover, is going to Deal, like a gentleman at a card-table, going to deal for whist. Answer. Because he is going to deal. The first prize had not been given when our parcel left. No adjournment had been proposed up to 5 A.M. Left lounging. THOUGHTS WITHOUT WORDS. (Under the same conditions as above.) Lazy Thought (on a beautiful view from a country-house). Position is nine points of the lawn. (N.B. Might also do for a Bishop.) ed ad Delicious-flowers smell. Watches are nuisances. Exercise is not necessary to appetite. Wish Sun wouldn't alter its position: I mean, the earth ought to be too hot to move. Shouldn't move if I was earth. 'TIS AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NOBODY GOOD. TRUE of all winds: truer of none than that which, the other day, carried the purgation of fire through a square mile of Péra. That surely does not deserve to be called an ill wind which is certain to blow the long-suffering Pérotes stone houses for wood, stately streets instead of frowsy alleys, level pavements for hills and hollows of rough stones, pure air for miasma, light for darkness, cleanliness for filth, and health for disease. Above all, that was not an ill wind for JOHN BULL which blew the sparks of destruction into the Palace of the British Embassy. The wind from that quarter had hitherto only blown JOHN every year a shower of bills for repairs, till it seemed as if the house should have been called-not the Palace of Péra, but of Repair-a. All housekeepers know what it means when "the builders" get into the house. The builders were never out of JOHN BULL'S house at Péra. Now it is burnt down, let us hope it will cease to burn a hole in his pockets. It had cost £200,000, and was still, like Oliver Twist, "asking for more." A new house can't cost as much to build as the old one did to keep standing. Punch begs leave to propose as its epitaph, "Non resurgam." THE HOME SECRETARY talks of bringing a measure, to check the adulteration practised by fraudulent tradesmen, forward next Session. Ah! Next Session, and next Session, and next Session, vil Creeps in this petty pace from month to month, Lath To the last syllable of late August's time; a. And all our Ministries have promised Bills, And wasted gusty breath. Ought to be thankful, now, that we are not Criminal Barristers in Horrid idea to be in a Line regiment on active service near the Equator. Can't think any more. ..... (Pause. Puff of Pipe.) Q. Whatsit' bou... Pined A. (after some consideration decides it's too hot to tell). No...thing p'tic'la... [The above is supposed to occupy two people one hour and a half. Mrs. Lazy. Could you get me that book on the drawing-room table? Mr. Lazy (at full length on the grass). Can't. Busy. [MRS. LAZY wishes there was a bell out-of-doors, and subsides into helpless repose. A YOUNG lady bas, by the excellence of her singing, acquired the title of "The Norwegian Nightingale." This may be considered an honour to the nightingale, but why should that warbler (S. Philomela luscinia) engross all such honour? Norway is too far north for nightingales, and a celebrated vocalist of that country had better be "I SHOULDN'T mind," said SNOBSON, "my name bein' stained hever styled the Norwegian Redwing, whilst we might term a popular songso, if it honly 'ad an 'andle." "WHOM THE CAP FITS." THERE once was an Oxford Professor, His chair was of Modern History; With as small heed of mercy as mystery. Cantank'rous, contemptuous, and clever, Till his truth, like malignity, bit folks. But when sprightly Lothair, dans son essor, That would fit RHADAMANTHUs' assessor In a word, when the freedoms retorting, The Professor straight sets up a snorting! Claps on the cap DIZZY has woven- To the midriff who ought to be cloven! "Social parasite!' that's what he styles me! "Tis lucky nought he can say riles me! The vile wretch!-well he knows I will pull his Jew nose, If in my own name he defiles me! "Mind, I'm not the least bit in a passionThough I write in this rather hot fashion: The attack has no sting, Which, thus calm, back I fling, If his shaft be indeed so unpointed, If you sent back the shaft, Nor your barb with such venom anointed! Those at whom dirt is flung back will pelt it; Meet a rub, the worst way Is, by wincing, to show that you've felt it. AN EXAMPLE TO GREECE. THE MESSRS. BONELL (uncle and nephew) lately captured by brigands near Gibraltar, having been released, on payment of their ransom of £5,000, the Spanish Guardia Civile waylaid the brigands, killed three out of four, and recovered the ransom. This it is to have a Government that really understands a thing! Spain has so long robbed her creditors abroad, that she is quite equal to robbing her brigands at home. ور Besides, she won't stand "the untradesmanlike falsehood - the same concern. Her Government keeps the right of robbing in its own hands-and see how it answers! The Spanish Government can make Spanish brigands disgorge, but who can enforce disgorging on the Spanish Government? Even the British Government has acquiesced in the pillage by Spanish officers and officials of the unfortunate crew of the Tornado, 55 British sailors, who, after being robbed of chronometers, clothes, tools, and money, to the value of £1,093, and imprisoned and ill-treated for eighteen months besides, have been reduced to accept a paltry compensation of £1,500 among them-LORD CLARENDON, to the eternal disgrace of our Government, having declined to insist on more. There never was a case in which the British Lion has eaten more dirt than this of the Tornado. We are glad to see that while MR. FORBES CAMPBELL, as agent of this ill-starred crew, is fain to accept the miserable £1,500, which does not represent more than the actual value of the property stolen from these British subjects-leaving them altogether uncompensated for their ill-treatment, detention, and consequent losses-he does not abandon their other claims on the Spanish Government. Few things are more striking, and sad, than the contrast between the "tall talk" of LORD CLARENDON apropos of the murder of three English travellers of family by the Greek brigands, and his apathy over the robbery, imprisonment, and ill-usage of 55 unoffending British seamen-none of whom had the luck to count a nobleman or a Minister among his connections-by the Spanish Government. But does not this same Tornado case show-like the case of the BONELLS-how much better the Spanish Government understands robbery than the Greek? The Greek Government winks at brigandage: the Spanish Government practises it. The Greek officials are content to share the plunder with the robbers: the Spanish officials transfer it bodily from the robbers' hands to their own. The Greek Government gets bullied and threatened with the exaction of compensation for losses it has not profited by: the Spanish officials and officers are allowed to pocket their plunder, and the English Foreign Minister refuses to endorse the complaint of their victims. The Spanish Guardia Civile have recovered MESSRS. BONELL'S We have not yet heard how much of it has found its way back to the MESSRS. BONELLS. ransom. We suspect the BONELLS will find that the Bone-alls-aliàs the Spanish officials-have been beforehand with them. But even if the BONELLS don't get back a farthing, one thing we should recommend them not to do that is, appeal to the Foreign Office, or they will be pretty sure to find, as the crew of the Tornado have done, delay, imputation, and insult added to injury. They will not only have to put up with the loss of their money, but be told, in effect, if not in terms, that "it serves them right." UN NTELLIGIBLE. "MILTO TEKNIKE-Theophrastus-the Reddle also is of two kinds, the native and the factitious-Hill. Milto of Art-Artificial Milton-Miltos of the Greeks.-Genuine ground WHITE LEAD &c." WILL Some one have the goodness to explain the meaning of this mysterious advertisement with its bewildering references to THEOPHRASTUS and MILTON ("artificial" indeed!) and HILL, and the Greeks? The mention of white lead and other common-sense articles, and the subscription of a business-like address, preclude the idea that it is the composition of a lunatic or a Spiritualist. Our sleepless weazel suggests (and if right, a feat in conversational art justifies notice of the device) that in making us ask its meaning, it answers its purpose. National Suicide. "ITALIA felo de se," remarked MRS. MALAPROP, misquoting a wellknown saying in reference to Italy. It is probable, though, that, if the Italian revolutionists could have their way, Italy would, indeed, very soon do for herself. FENIANS' TELEGRAM TO THEIR FRIENDS.-Venimus, vidimus, victi sumus. |