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CAPTAIN OF MINISTERIAL Team. “LOOK HERE, A-RT-N! WE WERE BEAT THE OTHER DAY AT KENSINGTON ENTIRELY THROUGH YOUR WILD AND RECKLESS HITTING. YOU REALLY MUST ALTER YOUR FORM, OR- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN !!"

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When our Mint is idle (which it never would be if the PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT:

Authorities had a proper sense of things; for then they

would be always coining five-guinea pieces to be sent in UNE 9TH, Thursday. purses to Mr. Punch and his young men, as slight testiTheir Wisdoms the monials of their perpetually saving the nation), we coin Commons met after for other Powers. Mr. Muntz thinks that this compethe holidays. Their tition with commercial persons is unfair. MR. Lowe thinks Superior Wisdoms that as we must keep up a staff of skilled workmen, we (quoad hoc), the Lords, bad better let them fill up their leisure by coining for declined to abbreviate Mint-less nations than sit idle. The raising such small their recess, and re- questions reminds Mr. Punch of certain persons who posed until the fol-minded Mint, aniseed, and so on, and neglected greater lowing Monday.

matters of law-and law-making. LORD MAHON took

Attorney-General Sir R. COLLIER introduces a Bill
his seat for East, Suf, affecting advertisements for the recovery of stolen pro-
folk, and Mr. Punch perty, the present system working objectionably. While
congratulates the ac- he is about it, Mr. Punch wishes that SIR ROBERT would
complished historian, look at a good many other advertisements, and would in-
LORD STANHOPE, 'up-troduce a clause preventing some of the atrocious vulga-
on his son's being risms with which folks seek to attraot notice at any price.
thus bound prentice We shall have such things printed upside down next, in-
to statesmanship. We deed we have seen this done in low class provincial papers.
trust that the young Mr. Punch tramples beneath the deep Titanian prisons any
nobleman will show one who dares to say that these be small matters. It is no
himself worthy of the small matter to be offended regularly every morning (except
name so long adorned Sunday) just when you are in a sweet temper from the first
by his Sire. Mr. Punch rich draught of coffee a great deal too strong to please the
was glad to see Mr. doctors.
DISRAELI in his place
again, and giving no
sign of having suf-

PILGRIMS IN PROGRESS.
fered from his own ill-
health, or any corre-

(4 Canticle for the Platform.)
spondent's il -man-

EPSOM, Hampton, Ascot Races,

Whitsuntide just falling, too; Well, what are late hours ? MR. GILPIN very properly objected to those of the

Noses false on silly faces, House. Mr. Lowe's idea of lateness was illustrated by his saying he could not

Tipsy thousands meet the view. take certain business after one o'clock. This sounds early to young ladies who go

Never mind; we all are tending to balls ; but the House is composed of middle-aged gentlemen of sixty or so, who,

To the same exalted goal; if they go to balls, ought to be ashamed to go to constituents.

Oh yes, everyone ascending The principal debate, on the Customs and Revenue Bill, was about "sugar"

Every glorious Human Boul! the article that is put into tea-not that put into the dirty hands of dirty electors. There was a question of draw-back, raised by MR. CRAUFURD. No doubt he was

All those gents with their sham 'noses, quite right; but we wish, in the interest of Materfamilias, that he would let the

Being rightly understood, matter alone, as any grocery discussion in the House makes the Grocers raise

Are, though hardly one supposes, prices, by nefarious instinct. The Government got a small beating, 49 to 45, on a

Driving to the True and Good. small horse-tax, which even the SPEAKER descended from his altitude to condemn

All those little shopboys, wearing from the Treasury Bench.

Paper streamers in their hats, The Yeomanry were a good deal laughed at, but £80,000 was voted for those

In the same direction faring; Braves, by 124 to 20.

All the betting men and flats. Friday, MR. GREGORY said that the fares on the South-Eastern Railway were

They have not our placid features ; much higher than on any other line. MR. GILPIN denied that they were excessive.

They have not our polished airs ; We shall take early opportunity of testing this, by tendering at the pay-place what

But they are our fellow-creatures : we think a just fare, and should the ticket be refused us, we shall impeach MR.

We are going, all, upstairs. GILPIN, and have him sent to the Tower. Not that this will be any punishment,

Let not any facts abate your for he will have the honour of visits from the gallant Constable, of whom we saw

Trust, friends, in the golden rule an excellent large photograph in Bond Street yesterday, and whom we rejoiced to

Of belief in Human Nature; behold looking as we trust he will look for many a year. Now, who but Mr.

Though your Brothers play the fool.
Punch could have got a chivalrous compliment out of a prosaic paragraph ? He
turns everything to gold, except what he makes into diamonds.
Said MR. GRANT Duff-The Indian Income-tax is not officially settled, but

Infallible Pill. "nothing was less probable" than that it would be disallowed. Å trifle—some eightpenny matter," quo' Falstoff. That is indeed the amount, but "nothing is CARDINAL ANTONELLI has replied to the remonstrances less probable” than that Indian income-earners will consider it a trifle.

of certain Powers on the addition about to be made to Gambia—where's that? There is a character of that name in The Slave, and Roman doctrine, that there is no occasion for them to be MR. MACREADY used to play it admirably a good many years ago. But there is afraid of Infallibility, as it will be merely an abstract dogma. some other Gambia, for we are going to hand it over to France. As the popu- Precisely so; and no doubt those Powers will take very lation consists of 39 males and 8 females, the EMPEROR does not gain a vast good care that such it shall remain. Perhaps they will accession of subjects; but we should like to know what he pays for these 47, per be further of opinion that the sovereignty of an infallible head. The number is small, but whether the Government is quite justified in Pontiff had better be purely, spiritual. Then Italia farà selling colonists should, we think, be_considered. We see in Magna Charta no da se, including Rome, Verb. sat. sap.; and if that is not direct authorisation of the practice. But Gambia must be a good way aff, so it convertible with Verb. sat. Pap., who is to blame ? doesn't much matter. Sancho Panza is an authority, and his outbreak of joy at being nominated a governor is caused by his instant recollection that he can sell his people as slaves.

Novum Organum. MR. CAMPBELL proposed to do away with the present system of County Government. He looks on the provincial magnate as a Guy, and sings, from Quentin Scotland, DR. BEGG (capital name for a divine living on

IN a recent General Assembly of the Free Church of Durward“ County Guy!

the alms of the Free Faithful) protested against the introThy hour is nigh.”

duction of the Organ into their public worship. Rather

than that, he would see the Anglican Surplice, or any other He desires Municipal Institutions in the country districts. MR. BRUCE opposed innovation. If the reverend gentleman

objects to music, such sweeping, changes in arrangements that had been the growth of centuries, he should have added Anglican "bands to the other and was victorious by 61 to 39, and we trust that this will give the Opposition, ministerial “ornament." But surely DR. BEGG forgets " In future talk a fair excuse

that if he has an organist in the church, he is sure of extra To speak more nobly of the BRUCE.”

"voluntary” contributions, and notes, too.

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“ WHOM THE CAP FITS."

AN EXAMPLE TO GREECE.
THERE once was an Oxford Professor,

THE MESSRS. BONELL (uncle and nephew) lately captured by
Not so often attacked as aggressor,

brigands near Gibraltar, having been released, on payment of their Whose sharp pen and sharp tongue,

ransom of £5,000, the Spanish Guardia Civile waylaid the brigands, Ink and scorn freely flung,

killed three out of four, and recovered the ransom. On all who displeased their possessor.

This it is to have a Government that really understands a thing!

Spain has so long robbed her creditors abroad, that she is quite equal His chair was of Modern History;

to robbing her brigands at home. His lectures were bilious and blistery;

Besides, sbe won't stand “the untradesmanlike falsehood - the When he'd served out the dead,

same concern.' Her Government keeps the right of robbing in its On the living he laid,

own hands-and see how it answers! The Spanish Government can With as small heed of mercy as mystery.

make Spanish brigands disgorge, but who can enforce disgorging on

the Spanish Government ? Cantapk'rous, contemptuous, and clever,

Even the British Government has acquiesced in the pillage by From his height he gauged human endeavour,

Spanish officers and officials of the unfortunate crew of the Tornado, And enthroned o'er the throng

55 British sailors, who, after being robbed of chronometers, clothes, Showed where others were wrong,

tools, and money, to the value of £1,093, and imprisoned and ill-treated But himself never went astray-never!

for eighteen months besides, have been reduced to accept a paltry

compensation of £1,500 among them-LORD CLARENDON, to the eternal So hot hard and heavy he hit folks,

disgrace of our Government, having declined to insist on more. That, o'en while admiring his wit, folks

There never was a case in which the British Lion has eaten more Made wry mouths o'er the gall,

dirt than this of the Tornado. That embittered it all,

We are glad to see that while MR. FORBES CAMPBELL, as agent Till his truth, like malignity, bit folks.

of this ill-starred crew, is fain to accept the miserable £1,500, which But ne'er was his scalpel more busy

does not represent more than the actual value of the property stolen Than while he was cutting up Dizzy:

from these British subjects-leaving them altogether uncompensated With hard words he bemauled him;

for their ill-treatment, detention, and consequent losses—he does not And bad names he called him;

abandon their other claims on the Spanish Government. And on this theme from frigid waxed fizzy.

Few things are more striking, and sad, than the contrast between

the "tall talk” of LORD CLARENDON apropos of the murder of three But when sprightly Lothair, dans son essor,

English travellers of family by the Greek brigands, and his apathy over Slyly showed up an Oxford Professor

the robbery, imprisonment, and ill-usage of 55 unoffending British seaWho talks in a strain

men-none of whom had the luck to count a nobleman or a Minister Self-sufficient and vain,

among his connections-by the Spanish Government. That would fit RHADAMANTHUS' assessor

But does not this same Tornado case show-like the case of the

BONELLS-how much better the Spanish Government understands In a word, when the freedoms retorting,

robbery than the Greek? To which GOLDWIN was free in resorting,

The Greek Government winks at brigandage: the Spanish GovernDizzy counters on SMITH,

ment practises it. With point, pepper, and pith,

The Greek officials are content to share the plunder with the rob. The Professor straight sets up á snorting !

bers: the Spanish officials transfer it bodily from the robbers' hands to

their own. Claps on the cap Dizzy has woven

The Greek Government gets bullied and threatened with the exaction Though to own it in no way behoven

of compensation for losses it has not profited by: the Spanish Shouts, “ See what he's done

officials and officers are allowed to pocket their plunder, and the This son of a gun !

English Foreign Minister refuses to endorse the complaint of their To the midriff who ought to be cloven !

victims. “Social parasite !! that's what he styles me!

The Spanish Guardia Civile have recovered MESSRS. BONELL'S 'Tis lucky nought he can say riles me!

We have not yet heard how much of it has found its way The vile wretch !-well he knows

back to the MESSRS. BONELLS. I will pull his Jew nose,

We suspect the BONELLS will find that the Bone-alls-aliàs the If in my own name he defiles me!

Spanish officials—have been beforehand with them. But even if the

BONELLS don't get back a farthing, one thing we should recommend “Mind, I'm not the least bit in a passion

them not to do-that is, appeal to the Foreign Office, or they will be Though I write in this rather hot fashion:

pretty sure to find, as the crew of the Tornado have done, delay, impuTbe attack has noʻsting,

tation, and insult added to injury; They will not only have to put up Which, thus calm, back I fling,

with the loss of their money, but be told, in effect, if not in terms, that And' 'Coward !'' his brazen face dash on!”

“it serves them right."
If bis shaft be indeed so unpointed,

UN NTELLIGIBLE.
And your armour so perfectly jointed,
You ought to have laughed

“ MILTO TEKNIKE–Theophrastus—the Reddle also is of two kinds, the If you sent back the shaft,

native and the factitious-Hill. Milto of Art-Artificial Milton-Miltos of Nor your barb with such venom anointed !

the Greeks.-Genuine ground WHITE LEAD &c." Those at whom dirt is flung back will pelt it;

WILL some one have the goodness to explain the meaning of this If it bits, look as if you ne'er smelt it:

mysterious advertisement with its bewildering references to TAEOWhen those bowls who play

PHRASTUS and MILTON (“artificial” indeed!) and HILL, and the Meet a rub, the worst way

Greeks? The mention of white lead and other common sense articles, Is, by wincing, to show that you 've felt it.

and the subscription of a business-like address, preclude the idea that it is the composition of a lunatic or a Spiritualist. Our sleepless

weazel suggests (and if right, a feat in conversational art justifies New Book for the Season.

notice of the device) that in making us ask its meaning, it answers its

purpose. SHORTLY will be published, as a companion to Juventus Mundi, Juventus Wednesday, or, How We Went to the Derby in 1870. By the

National Suicide. Right Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE. Correct Cards for Goodwood, with Portraits. The Gladstone Hamper, the Gladstone Dustcoat (reversible), " ITALIA felo de se," remarked MRS. MALAPROP, misquoting a wellin preparation for the Brighton and Goodwood. Early application known saying in reference to Italy. It is probable, though, that, if necessary.

the Italian revolutionists could have their way, Italy would, indeed,

very soon do for herself. IN TWO WORDS. OUR Police System and the House breakers' System-Banglery and FENIANS' TELEGRAM TO THEIR FRIENDS.–Venimus, vidimus, victi Burglary.

ransom,

sumus,

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