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HORRIBLE REVELATIONS. (PATERFAMILIAS HAS PURCBASED THE LEASE OF A PICTURESQUE OLD RAMSHACKIE RED-BRICK HOUSE, WHICH IS UNDERGOING REPAIR.)
“Think you seed one of 'em a crorling along the winder! Ab ! jest you wait till you've been and slep''ere for a hour or two! Why, wood-panelling, hoak in particular, is more liable nor anything for sich as them to harbour, and they accumulates tremenjous, and you never gets rid of 'em, try what you will! If you was to take down this 'ere panel, tho' there haint so much as room for the hedge of a carvin'. knife betwix' the wood and the bricks be'ind, you'd find 'em clustered as thick as grapes ! Ah! and if you was jest to blow a puff o' your cigar on 'em, they stand up straight on their 'ind legs, and look at you jest like a regiment o' sogers ! " Chorus.? "O! Papa !”,
SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
And carries hot coals on pate or palm, no inconvenience feeling:
And the hands of the departed calls up underneath the table, We are wiser than our ancestors, with their witches and their warlocks, Which to put a cheque into his, now and then-if the Court would let
them-are able. And their ghosts that whipped through key-holes, and their spirits that laughed at door locks,
And here's DR. Newton, out-Homing Home, and curing folks' And the exorcists who laid them, with bell and book and candle,
diseases, And the miracle-mongering monk, who on the fiend's neck set his Giving blind and dumb, and deaf and halt, eyes, ears, tongues, legs as sandal.
he pleases : We have ceased to believe in alchemy, transmutation, and astrology: By laying his hands upon them, and bidding their ailments begone, And we don't say " Stop!” to Science, when it contradicts theology: And doing it all for love, and not money-the downy one! And HUXLEY has no need to fear BRUNO's fate, or GALILEO's, And primary cells and nerve-force veneramur sicut Deos.'
And for all our march of intellect, and our monarchy of mind,
There's never a Reynard the Fox, but he draws his tail of fools behind; Of the marches of mind and morals, we esteem the march of mind And there's never a quack that quacks, but he finds green geese to most;
echo his quacking, And our motto in life and business is “Devil take the hindmost!” And never a swindler that lowers his trawl, and finds the flat-fish And we've discovered a talisman called “Competitive Examination,” lacking! To draw our collective wisdom to the service of the nation : And our women are all on the qui vive, with the men in active hos
Police Notice. tilities,
Mr. Punch begs to apprise a certain class of correspondent that he For doing away with the differences of sex, and its disabilities; has already received 117 letters, containing what is considered by the And LADY AMBERLEY lectures, and PROFESSORINN Fawcett preaches, writers a joke on the name of "Gamos,” the winner of the Oaks, who That males have exclusive right to not even so much as breeches. is of course called a "game 'oss.". He will place any future epistles
of the kind in the hands of the police. It may be convenient to add, Labour 's at odds with Capital, man with woman, matter with mindTo prove that if two folks ride on a horse, neither ought to ride behind. that a Magistrate is not at liberty to bail such offenders. And so nicely we've balanced Self-government against Centralisation, Each neutralises the other, and both are in stagnation.
TELL HER, SOMEBODY.—MRS. RAMSBOTHAY says that she can't Here's Home in Belgravian drawing-rooms flies by miracle up to the understand why there is so much small-pox in Paris, seeing that the ceiling :
EMPEROR has for so many years adopted a vaccinating policy.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride,
City of London.-SATURDAY,
June 11, 1870.
THE FENIAN'S QUICK MARCH FROM CANADA.
Run away, run boys, run:
To the right about !”
We raised the shout,
The Canadian shot
Made heroes trot;
But we mostly sped
Right clear, ahead,
At a double quick
Step, quite the kick,
For the necktie 's loose,
The Saxon poose,
And defiance roar
To Britain's shore :
Catechism for the Home Secretary.
State the advantages to Londoners derived from the use of Flags on Cabs ?
A THING OF BEAUTY.”
George (promptly). “ AN ARTIST ! ”
MRS. RAMSBOTHAM. MRS. LAVINIA RAUSBOTHAY writes to say that she is inclined towards Riddleism. She has already purchased all the photograpbs of the Clergy of St. Album's, Holborn.
OUR NIGGER HIGHWAYMEN.
FIGARO'S "FOLLE JOURNÉE.” AMERICA, a while ago, was troubled by the Blacks, and just now we LYING, like truth, is a dangerous game. The world's ready belief of in London are pestered by the Lamp-Blacks. Sham niggers flock to the lie often proclaims its opinion of the liar. The French Figaro, town on their journey to the races, and make it their head-quarters for by the announcement that he had sold himself to the Republicans, in & chief part of the season. From Camberwell to Highgate, from Ken. a number made up of forged articles purporting to be from famous street but all day long it echoes with the rattling of the
bones and the Times and other sober English organs of opinion. sington to Hackney, there is scarcely to be found a so-called quiet Republican hands-bas
sold not only the Parisian gobemouches, but the twanging of the banjo. Policemen are in vain appealed to for relief. Figaro cares little about selling other papers : his real object, of Their sympathies are mostly on the side of the street minstrels. In course, was to sell Figaro ; and this he has done, to the tune of 150,000 the ears of cooks and housemaids such music finds much favour, and copies. it is a weakness of the Force to obey their fair enslavers. So they let Such a success shows not only, the ability of the hoax, but its prothe black-faced banjo-players bellow as they please, and do not even bability. beg of them to warble sootto voce.
Who would believe that Punch had sold himself-say, to the ProtecUnvexed by the Police, the Blacks infest a street until they have tionists, or the Ritualists, to WHALLEY and NEWDEGATE, or Manlevied some black mail from its inhabitants. This having been ex. NING and the Propaganda, to Hardy and hot Toryism, or the Right acted, the brigands then proceed to pillage the next street, levelling Honourable BENJAMIN LOTHAIR-even though he proclaimed the transtheir banjos at the ears of all its inmates. Surely, thus extorting action in leaded type, and imitated ever so well the fire of the great money is a sort of bighway robbery, and ought to be punished by a guns-breech-loaders, charged from behind-of Protection, Priestcraft, sufficient penalty: Fisty years ago suspected highwaymen
were hung; Protestant intolerance, Romanist retrogression, Tory indignation, or it was death to be seen upon the highway with one's face blacked Tory education ? What a blessing it would be if such were now the case! Only make it penal to be seen with a blacked face, and, though infested still by
Great Boon to Birmingham. organ-grinders, German band-its, bagpipe-squealers, fiddlers, futers, bowlers, harpers, born.blowers, and other noisy ruffians, our highways foot in Birmingham for the purpose of adorning that city with a Statue
THERE is no truth in the rumour that a subscription bas been set on would, at least, be freed from nigger highwaymen.
of MR. LOWE. It is, however, probable that a deputation of gunsmiths
will wait upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, and present the Wales in Ireland.
Right Honourable Gentleman with a verbal testimonial of their grati
tude for the boon which he will confer upon their trade by imposing a Ir the PRINCE OF WALES has any intention of buying Tolly-more for tax on fire-arms. an Irish residence-as we sincerely hope he has- all we can say is Tolle moras ; or in English, “the sooner the better."
FROM IRELAND.-Good name for an Auctioneer's Wife.-BIDDY.
dropping her fan between her seat and mine. REAL ENJOYMENT.
Man behind me with a party, which he keeps
turning from one side to the other to address, THE HORSE SHOW.
puis bis knees into my chair-back. Hunters EING told you must go Tom RIGBY!” Friend says, come in. Big man jumps up, "Hallo, there's
So it is !” Big early, you are there by man jumps up again, nearly knocking off my eleven o'clock.. New to bat, 'There's Old Dick Mason !” Another Islington: difficulty in minute after, “ Why, there's John Dyke!" as if finding the Agricultural. he hadn't expected to see him. He knows nobody Shilling at the entrance. without a Christian name. He points out Sir Shops on either side of the WATKIN WYNN, LORD COVENTRY, and LORD passage; exhibitingchiefly FITZUARDINGE. 'Itry to point these out to the old squeaking-dols and pop-Jady, but confuse them. Horses going perpetually guns. Hope it's not going round and round make one as bilious as that headto be like a fair wito aching game, the wheel of life,” where little niggers, and merry.go- black and red figures rotate monotonously. rounders, and fat girls. Great number of Parsons here : all with Ladies. Approach the Hall itself. "Ladies to right of them: Ladies to left of them. Strong smell of Astley's Up comes the Curate." Old gentleman (with - tepid : : more, perhaps, as the party) behind me, stands suddenly up and if some enterprising spe- streiches over me. “ Hallo, SIMPSON !” he cries culator had been forcing out to a clergyman below. SIMPSON looks up, an enormous quantity of and nods cheerfully. He is evidently taking mushrooms. All sorts of
a holiday: The old gentleman goes on, wag. people about, more or less
gishly, Where's your wife?” SIMPSON horsey in appearance. blushes down to his white tie, smiles feebly, Rough ostlers. Grooms and passes on. The Ladies with the various in various stages of clergymen are asking them
their opinions on the undress.
Contradictory horses, which they give with great satisfaction to labels up before you, an themselves. Jumping begins. More heat. More nouncing the way to the excitement. Big Lady says to her daughter, Lavatory for a · Wash and Brush-up” indicating niece, or companion, “If there's an accident,
I shall faint." Cheering. Leaps. Jumps. the right hand; This
Accident or two. Jeers. Cheers. Hotter and way to the Lavatory” on hotter. Struggle out of seat at six o'clock. Shins another placard close byl hurt. Coat covered with dust. Prousers with
it, with an index-hand white marks ; where they came from you can't pointing towards the left. This way to the Gents' Lavatory," says a third card, which find out. Hat's got, somehow, mysteriously you have some difficulty in reading, owing to its having swung from the horizontal into the brushed the wrong way, and thickly coated perpendicular, and its index-finger being
now pointed towards the ground; as much as to with the dust peculiar to circuses. Stagger hint that, if you dug deep enough, you might come upon the “Gents' Lavatory." in some through crowd into open air. No cabs. Omnimid region of underground earth, only familiar to us in connection with the first scenes buses full. Water-carts been sufficiently at of pantomimes, and sensational pictures of a coal-mine. Horses' stalls all the way down. work to make it muddy where it isn't horribly Refreshment-stalls chiefly remarkable for brilliant glass and fair Peris, at a distance, and
for dusty. Walk greater part of way home, as none dry sandwiches, yesterday's spongecakes, fairly iced claret-cup, and got-up barmaids, with of the 'busses you try to take, appear to be going disillusioning hands and perky manners when you come close, and tempt such goods as the goddesses provide. Walk round. Inspect horses. Get in groom's way. Beg pardon of your way." Have walked so far, not worth
bussing or cabbing it now. Very tired. Headå man with a pail, who nearly knocks you over. Listen to conversation between groom ache. °Loss of appetite. Late for dinner, and stud-groom. Give it up. 'Inspect more horses. Inspect ponies. Wonder which you'd Bilions to-morrow. Real enjoyment ! National choose for yourself. Feel dusty and hot. Tcy refreshment-stall. Ask when anything's show. going on! Nobody knows. See small line of crowd round circus. Horses with numbers on their breast-plates are ridden round. Boy offers Catalogue. Buy it. Join crowd by circus.
Real Enjoyment for the Groom.-Mount a horse. Horse in circụs takes to kicking the partition. Leave crowd in consequence. Horse being Ride it round, if it will go round. Jump it over ridden from circus to stable, or from stable to circus, also takes to kicking. Get out of his way laughed at if it refuses. Try it again ; laughed
a burdle, if it will jump over a hurdle. Be by backing on the crowd. Horse, at same time, in circus rears and frightens other horses, which back on to the crowd, and
against me. Every one, horses included, seems to be back at again. Blank the brute. Horse takes it suding and kicking and planging: Decide upon reserved seats. Five shillings. Ask when any: head-over-heels
, and over the partition among
denly. Groom doesn't. Groom disappears thing's going to begin ? "Nobody knows. Stall-keeper
doesn't know. Get a reserved seat; the people. Carried back by several men. Unfit and sit in front, where one can see the Prince and Princess of Wales--when they conie.
Real enjoyment ! Their seats are all arranged. Crowd increasing. Capital position, if you could only stretch to do anything for weeks.
True British sport! your legs, or get up comfortably, or do anything except sit as if you'd been hammered in to the place where the chair is, and had stuck there. Foresee difficulties when the seats are Real Enjoyment for the Ladies.- Horse; beauall filled. More circus work. Exhibition of stallions careering. Exhibition of harness tiful creature! Pretty creature! Rears! Oh, horses in carriages. As you can't hear the wheels or the hoofs, the effect is uncommonly he's off! No. Ah! Ladies nearly faint. So dull. One result of looking at all this, for an hour and a half, is to cause hunger. If I leave exciting. Will they leap the brook? So glad. the seat, shall I regain it ? Certainly, man says, if numbered. Doubt as to which refresh- What fun. Some will “ come croppers.” What ment stall to go to; or whether it isn't better to try a dinner at 2s, 6d. Too hot for dinner fun. Do you think they were hurt? Not killed ! at 28. 6d. Take claret cap iced, and dry sandwiches, topping up with sponge cake, and a oh, no : not killed ! (with feeling.) He ought pièce de résistance in the shape of a Bath bun. Wonder who invented Bath Buns? Was it to wear spurs,'oughtn't be, uncle ? Oh! Oh! a man in a Bath who wanted a bun? or a Baker at Bath? Think I'd better, go back to Look! The horse has fallen-the rider. Did seat. Very full by now. Much hotter. Much dustier. Much more mushroomy. Join he come down with him, or on him? No? crowd by circus. Wish there was a band, or a clown. Go back to reserved seats. Wasn't that clever ! Oh, look! that chestnut Altercation with elderly stout lady and daughter. My seat. No; her number. No. Reference tried to leap right over the partition, and to stall-keeper. Compromise. I take one lower down. More directly opposite H.R. H. I struck at somebody. How the people rush remark to à neighbour that this is luck. He says, Why? H.R. H.'s aren't coming. away from it! If one of them did run away, Ask (as he appears to be well informed) when anything is going to happen? (By this I what a sight it would be! I'm so glad we're mean jumps with probable accidents and excitement). He replies, about four o'clock. in reserved seats, Sc., Sc.. [N.B. This, for It is just two. Wish more than ever there was a clown, or a band. More people. English Ladies, must be the nearest approach to More badly dressed ladies than I've ever seen anywhere. Am seated over several foreigners, the ferociously unfeminine excitement of a Spanish who have come here by mistake, thinking it is a part of the Derby. Am hungry again. Bull-fight. But it's only a show to keep up and Foresee dyspepsia, after Bath buns. Reserved seats full now. More altercation. Apparently improve the best breeds of .. animals. After I've got every one's seat. Hotter and hotter. Ladies talk of fainting in the back seats,' all, it is but one of our modes of amusing ourselves. so that I may bear them and offer them mine in front. No. Big man on my right. Big and affords—(though every one owns it to be dull woman on my left. Am jammed in. Big man keeps jumping up, and recognising other big and monotonous, and admits that an hour of it is men below. He is an habitué, and knows the horses and their riders. Big woman keeps as much as one can stand)- Real Enjoyment]
AN AMERICAN NEWTON.
Dr. NEWTON, medical thaumaturge and spiritualistic mesmeriser,
will-tbat one half
He takes no fees, but, according to The Medium,
If it is believed that anybody whosoever can derive any benefit from a few days ago, in these portraits of DR. NEWTON except their original, it may be credited an article on the In- that Dr. NEWTON himself derives none. Cela va sans dire. These dustrial Divisions of pictures may save trouble and time tbrown away. In all probability the International Dr. Newton's magnetised portraits are just as efficacious in the cure Exhibition to be held of any disease as his mesmeric passes are, and his simple portraits in London next equally remedial with those
to which he has imparted magnetism. It year, and ask your is thus in the power of anybody, who believes in Dr. Newton's self whether a tole therapeutic energies, to obtain all the good they can do at the small rably large per-cent- charge of one shilling; and there can be no doubt that any sufferer age of these occu. had much better invest that sum in one of Dr. Newton's likenesses, pations, in which which cannot harm him, than spend the money on universal pills, or thousands of your any other description of quack medicine. Even the sceptic must admit fellow-men are en- that he would rather look at a photograph than swallow a pill, and will, gaged every day, are therefore, ati least own that there will be a change somewhat for the
not as utterly un- better in case DR NEWTON should supersede those advertising specific Sk
known to you as the and panacea, vendors of whom each is now in the enjoyment of an
The process by which DR. NEWTON magnetises his portraits is not table Institutions of
generally known. Perhaps it is a simple wink of the eye. According the Moon? We will select a few, adding appropriate comments :- to his believers, he heals the sick like winking. Possibly it suffices
Beaver-Cutters.--The only instance of cruelty in the list. (But Qs. him to magnetise bis portraits by contemplating them in the eye of the as to the “Stripes Manufacturers.")
mind, and at the same time outstretching the fingers of one hand, Calenderers.--Here, of course, is a misprint; and yet it is difficult to whilst the thumb is applied to the tip of the nose. see how the employment of those who are engaged in the preparation of almanacs, calendars, &c., can, with propriety, be classed amongst "Woollen Trades?
PRIZE TRANSLATIONS. Mungo Merchants.-A handsome reward is offered to any one who will give such information as may lead to the detection of this article
(BY OUR OWN DUNCE.) of commerce. We think there is a Saint Mungo; we know that HORACE, ODE 1. Mungo PARK was very familiar to us in our boyhood; but beyond this Mæcenas atavis edite regibus.—"O MÆCENAS, but you (like) a bird we cannot get.
eat kings. Plainback Manufacturers.-We have long known what wonderful! people there were in the manufacturing districts, but we confess that VIRGIL, (from the Latin Grammar). this proof of their possessing the creative faculty does come upon us Hæc olim meminisse juvabit;-—"Thus he was able to help him in by surprise. But why, why, with such a power in their bands, cannot fetching the oil." they make handsome backs! There are too many plain. ones already in society.
DITTO. Regatta Manufacturers.-Would be invaluable at Cowes, or, indeed,
Monstrum horrendum informe ingens cui lumen ademptum.--" A monat any of the head-quarters of our leading Yacht Clubs. Now, we don't ster horrid and informal (to be sure), but who was ingenious enough despair of meeting with Horse-Race Manufacturers and Cricket-Match to take away the light." Makers.
Scribbling Millers.-No-this is a trade which certainly must not Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima cygno.-"A rare (young woman be encouraged. There are too many writers already. Once allow this subaudito) to' grandfathers in various lands and closely resembling a precedent, and the bakers and the butchers and the greengrocers will black sign(-board).” all turn scribblers. The millers ought to know better. Shag Manufacturers. In the tobacco line ?
Additional Translation by a player at Baden. Lasting Manufacturers.-This is the business we will invest our Nimium ne crede colori:"Back the red or the black, and don't only spare capital in. No fear of bankruptcy or composition with creditors; go on the colour." no mills running short time; no ups and downs; but good, solid, permanent transactions--all profit and no risk.
A CAUTION AS TO CROWDS.
A FOREIGN Gentleman, standing in a crowd, by an abrupt, and of this description. Perhaps animals confined in travelling menageries probably nervous gesture of his hands, caused a couple of policemen to may require them. The officers of the Society have kindly promised to make the mistake of taking him into custody for attempting to pick make further inquiry.
pockets, and he was shut up at Bow Street from Saturday till Monday
avoid Blue Manufacturers.-In other words, manufacturers who, when Mr. Flowers, in discharging him, recommended him to times are bad, are said to look blue.
crowds for the future.” Good advice for everybody who does not wish Cud-bear Manufacturers. This animal is not known at the Gardens. crowd, a gentleman who does not know what to do with his bands
to be taken up as a thief, or let in for a witness. Finding himself in a The Council would be very glad to receive a specimen for exhibition. cannot dispose of them better than by putting them in his pockets. (Perbaps a misprint for cub bear?)
He will thus not only keep his hands away from other people's pockets, Flyer Makers. The Aëronautic Society will be delighted.
but keep the hands of other people out of his own pockets too. Mule Makers.--Well, we are glad commercial enterprise has not speculated in asses. Too many of them as it is. Weavers' Mail Makers.-Not one person in ten thousand can have
What will they Do with it ? known before that the peaceful weaver pursues his pacific calling They are advertising for Contracts for Supplies for the use of the clothed in armour!
Metropolitan Police. Amongst the articles specified is “Ship ChanWoolley Teeth Makers.-- Perhaps the most incomprehensible of all.dlery." What can the Police or the Police Courts want with “ Ship A Committee of Dentists is now engaged in investigating this pro- Chandlery?” We are completely at sea, unless it is required for the blem. Their report will be published in a later edition.
(HAYUA HAPPENS TO REQUIRE A GLASS OF PORTER AT 11 A.M.) Master George (to the now French Housemaid). OH, FRANÇOISE ?”
Prançoise. Oui, MONSIEUR GEORGES ?" Master George." OH ! APPORTEZ 1or LE PORTIER DE MAMAN, ET DESBINEZ LE AVEC UNE TÊTE !”
BORN FEBRUARY 7, 1812. DIED JUNE 9, 1870. WHILE his life's lamp seemed clearest, most intense,
A light of wit and love to great and small, By the dark angel he is summoned bence,
To solve the mightiest mystery of all ! Hearing that he has passed beyond the veil,
Before the Judge who metes to men their dues, Men's cheeks, through English-speaking lands, turn pale,
Far as the speaking wires can bear the newsBlanched at this sudden snapping of a life,
That seemed of all our lives to hold a share ; So were our memories with his fancies rife,
So much of his thought our thoughts seemed to bear. CHARLES DICKENS dead! It is as if a light
In every English home were quenched to-day; As if a face all knew had passed from sight,
A band all loved to press were turned to clay. Question who will his power, its range, its height,
His wisdom, insight, -this at least we know, All in his love's warmth and his humour's light
Rejoiced and revelled, -old, young, high or low-
To the judge on the bench, pone read but owned
The fancy by whose side clear sense sat throned,
The shaping faculty that breathed lífe's breath
In types, all felt they know and still bad known,
Life-like, except that they are safe from death. Since SHAKSPEARE's, where the pen that so hath lent
Substance to airy nothings of the brain,
Till to take each for other we are fain ?
Used it so purely, to such Christian end, Used it so quicken the millennial hour,
When rich to poor shall be as friend to friend? Who can say how much of that love's pure leaven
That leavens now the lamp of this our world, With influence as of a present Heaven,,
Like light athwart chaotic darkness hurled, May be traced up to springs by him unsealed,
To clods by him stirred round affection's roots, To hearts erst hard, but by his fires annealed
To softness whereof Love's works are the fruits. Mourn, England, for another great one gone
To join the great ones who have gone beforeAnd put a universal mourning on,
Where'er sea breaks on English-speaking shore. His works survive him, and his works' work too
Of love and kindness and good will to men, Hate of the wrong, and reverence of the true,
And war on all that shuns truth's eagle-ken. Earth's two chief nations mourners at his tomb:
Their memories for his monument: their love For his reward. Such is his glorious doom,
Whom mortal praise or blame no more shall move !