(PATERFAMILIAS HAS PURCHASED THE LEASE OF A PICTURESQUE OLD RAMSHACKIE RED-BRICK HOUSE, WHICH IS UNDERGOING REPAIR.) "Think you seed one of 'em a crorling along the winder? Ah! jest you wait till you've been and slep' 'ere for a hour or two! Why, wood-panelling, hoak in particular, is more liable nor anything for sich as them to harbour, and they accumulates tremenjous, and you never gets rid of 'em, try what you will! If you was to take down this 'ere panel, tho' there haint so much as room for the hedge of a carvin'knife betwix' the wood and the bricks be'ind, you'd find 'em clustered as thick as grapes! Ah! and if you was jest to blow a puff o' your cigar on 'em, they stand up straight on their 'ind legs, and look at you jest like a regiment o' sogers!" Chorus."O! Papa!". SIGNS OF THE TIMES. We are wiser than our ancestors, with their witches and their warlocks, And the exorcists who laid them, with bell and book and candle, We have ceased to believe in alchemy, transmutation, and astrology: Of the marches of mind and morals, we esteem the march of mind And our motto in life and business is "Devil take the hindmost! And our women are all on the qui vive, with the men in active hos- For doing away with the differences of sex, and its disabilities; And here's DR. NEWTON, out-Homing HOME, and curing folks' By laying his hands upon them, and bidding their ailments begone, And for all our march of intellect, and our monarchy of mind, And never a swindler that lowers his trawl, and finds the flat-fish Police Notice. Mr. Punch begs to apprise a certain class of correspondent that he has already received 117 letters, containing what is considered by the writers a joke on the name of "Gamos," the winner of the Oaks, who is of course called a game 'oss." He will place any future epistles of the kind in the hands of the police. It may be convenient to add, that a Magistrate is not at liberty to bail such offenders. TELL HER, SOMEBODY.-MRS. RAMSBOTHAM says that she can't Here's HOME in Belgravian drawing-rooms flies by miracle up to the understand why there is so much small-pox in Paris, seeing that the ceiling: EMPEROR has for so many years adopted a vaccinating policy. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, June 11, 1870. OUR NIGGER HIGHWAYMEN. AMERICA, a while ago, was troubled by the Blacks, and just now we in London are pestered by the Lamp-Blacks. Sham niggers flock to town on their journey to the races, and make it their head-quarters for a chief part of the season. From Camberwell to Highgate, from Kensington to Hackney, there is scarcely to be found a so-called quiet street but all day long it echoes with the rattling of the bones and the twanging of the banjo. Policemen are in vain appealed to for relief. Their sympathies are mostly on the side of the street minstrels. In the ears of cooks and housemaids such music finds much favour, and it is a weakness of the Force to obey their fair enslavers. So they let the black-faced banjo-players bellow as they please, and do not even beg of them to warble sootto voce. Unvexed by the Police, the Blacks infest a street until they have levied some black mail from its inhabitants. This having been exacted, the brigands then proceed to pillage the next street, levelling their banjos at the ears of all its inmates. Surely, thus extorting money is a sort of highway robbery, and ought to be punished by a sufficient penalty. Fifty years ago suspected highwaymen were hung; it was death to be seen upon the highway with one's face blacked. What a blessing it would be if such were now the case! Only make it penal to be seen with a blacked face, and, though infested still by organ-grinders, German band-its, bagpipe-squealers, fiddlers, fluters, bowlers, harpers, horn-blowers, and other noisy ruffians, our highways would, at least, be freed from nigger highwaymen. THE FENIAN'S QUICK MARCH FROM CANADA. "RUN away, run boys, run: Each throw away his gun. We raised the shout, And did all of us fly like fan. Bullets of Volunteers Whistled around our ears, The Canadian shot Made heroes trot; Did it not so, my brave compeers ? Some, to the rifle's crack, As we fast reversed our track. We were the boys that beat, Step, quite the kick, Bad cess to the foemen's feet! Stay to be tamely caught? For the Sons of Freedom, taut. Blow the brass trumpet, come, Bang the big hollow drum, And defiance roar To Britain's shore: We skedaddled, but won't be dumb. Catechism for the Home Secretary. WHAT difference is there between Cabs under the Old Law and Cabs under the New? State the advantages to Londoners derived from the use of Flags on Cabs ? MRS. RAMSBOTHAM. MRS. LAVINIA RAMSBOTHAM writes to say that she is inclined towards Riddleism. She has already purchased all the photographs of the Clergy of St. Album's, Holborn. FIGARO'S "FOLLE JOURNÉE." LYING, like truth, is a dangerous game. The world's ready belief of the lie often proclaims its opinion of the liar. The French Figaro, by the announcement that he had sold himself to the Republicans, in a number made up of forged articles purporting to be from famous Republican hands-has sold not only the Parisian gobemouches, but the Times and other sober English organs of opinion. Figaro cares little about selling other papers: his real object, of course, was to sell Figaro; and this he has done, to the tune of 150,000 copies. Such a success shows not only the ability of the hoax, but its probability. Who would believe that Punch had sold himself-say, to the Protectionists, or the Ritualists, to WHALLEY and NEWDEGATE, or MANNING and the Propaganda, to HARDY and hot Toryism, or the Right Honourable BENJAMIN LOTHAIR-even though he proclaimed the transaction in leaded type, and imitated ever so well the fire of the great guns-breech-loaders, charged from behind-of Protection, Priestcraft, Protestant intolerance, Romanist retrogression, Tory indignation, or Tory education? BB Great Boon to Birmingham. foot in Birmingham for the purpose of adorning that city with a Statue THERE is no truth in the rumour that a subscription has been set on of MR. LOWE. It is, however, probable that a deputation of gunsmiths will wait upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, and present the Right Honourable Gentleman with a verbal testimonial of their gratitude for the boon which he will confer upon their trade by imposing a tax on fire-arms. FROM IRELAND.-Good name for an Auctioneer's Wife.-BIDDY. REAL ENJOYMENT. THE HORSE SHOW. 66 dropping her fan between her seat and mine. Man behind me with a party, which he keeps turning from one side to the other to address, puts his knees into my chair-back. Hunters EING told you must go TOM RIGBY!" Friend says, come in. Big man jumps up, "Hallo, there's So it is!" Big early, you are there by man jumps up again, nearly knocking off my eleven o'clock. New to hat, "There's Old DICK MASON!" Another Islington: difficulty in minute after, "Why, there's JOHN DYKE!" as if finding the Agricultural. he hadn't expected to see him. He knows nobody Shilling at the entrance. without a Christian name. He points out SIR Shops on either side of the WATKIN WYNN, LORD COVENTRY, and LORD passage; exhibiting chiefly FITZHARDINGE. I try to point these out to the old squeaking-dolls and pop- lady, but confuse them. Horses going perpetually guns. Hope it's not going round and round make one as bilious as that headto be like a fair with aching game, the" wheel of life," where little niggers, and merry-go- black and red figures rotate monotonously. rounders, and fat girls. Great number of Parsons here: all with Ladies. Approach the Hall itself. "Ladies to right of them: Ladies to left of them. Strong smell of Astley's Up comes the Curate." Old gentleman (with -tepid: more, perhaps, as the party) behind me, stands suddenly up and if some enterprising spe- stretches over me. Hallo, SIMPSON!" he cries culator had been forcing out to a clergyman below. SIMPSON looks up, an enormous quantity of and nods cheerfully. He is evidently taking mushrooms. All sorts of a holiday. The old gentleman goes on, wagpeople about, more or less “ gishly, Where's your wife?" SIMPSON horsey in appearance. blushes down to his white tie, smiles feebly, Rough ostlers. Grooms and passes on. The Ladies with the various in various stages of clergymen are asking them their opinions on the undress. Contradictory horses, which they give with great satisfaction to labels up before you, an- themselves. Jumping begins. More heat. More nouncing the way to the excitement. Big Lady says to her daughter, Lavatory for a "Wash niece, or companion, "If there's an accident, and Brush-up," indicating I shall faint." Cheering. Leaps. Jumps. the right hand; "This Accident or two. Jeers. Cheers. Hotter and way to the Lavatory" on hotter. Struggle out of seat at six o'clock. Shins another placard close by hurt. Coat covered with dust. Trousers with it, with an index-hand white marks; where they came from you can't pointing towards the left. "This way to the Gents' Lavatory," says a third card, which find out. Hat's got, somehow, mysteriously you have some difficulty in reading, owing to its having swung from the horizontal into the perpendicular, and its index-finger being now pointed towards the ground; as much as to hint that, if you dug deep enough, you might come upon the "Gents' Lavatory" in some mid region of underground earth, only familiar to us in connection with the first scenes of pantomimes, and sensational pictures of a coal-mine. Horses' stalls all the way down. Refreshment-stalls chiefly remarkable for brilliant glass and fair Peris, at a distance, and for dry sandwiches, yesterday's spongecakes, fairly iced claret-cup, and got-up barmaids, with disillusioning hands and perky manners when you come close, and tempt such goods as the goddesses provide. Walk round. Inspect horses. Get in groom's way. Beg pardon of a man with a pail, who nearly knocks you over. Listen to conversation between groom and stud-groom. Give it up. Inspect more horses. Inspect ponies. Wonder which you'd choose for yourself. Feel dusty and hot. Try refreshment-stall. Ask when anything's going on? Nobody knows. See small line of crowd round circus. Horses with numbers on their breast-plates are ridden round. Boy offers Catalogue. Buy it. Join crowd by circus. Horse in circus takes to kicking the partition. Leave crowd in consequence. Horse being ridden from circus to stable, or from stable to circus, also takes to kicking. Get out of his way by backing on the crowd. Horse, at same time, in circus rears and frightens other horses, which back on to the crowd, and against me. Every one, horses included, seems to be back ing and kicking and plunging. Decide upon reserved seats. Five shillings. Ask when any thing's going to begin? Nobody knows. Stall-keeper doesn't know. Get a reserved seat; and sit in front, where one can see the Prince and Princess of Wales-when they come. Their seats are all arranged. Crowd increasing. Capital position, if you could only stretch your legs, or get up comfortably, or do anything except sit as if you'd been hammered in to the place where the chair is, and had stuck there. Foresee difficulties when the seats are Real Enjoyment for the Ladies.-Horse; beauall filled. More circus work. Exhibition of stallions careering. Exhibition of harness tiful creature! Pretty creature! Rears! Oh, horses in carriages. As you can't hear the wheels or the hoofs, the effect is uncommonly he's off! No. Ah! Ladies nearly faint. So dull. One result of looking at all this, for an hour and a half, is to cause hunger. If I leave exciting. Will they leap the brook? So glad. the seat, shall I regain it? Certainly, man says, if numbered. Doubt as to which refresh- What fun. Some will "come croppers." What ment stall to go to; or whether it isn't better to try a dinner at 2s. 6d. Too hot for dinner fun. Do you think they were hurt? Not killed! at 2s. 6d. Take claret cup iced, and dry sandwiches, topping up with sponge cake, and a oh, no: not killed! (with feeling.) He ought pièce de résistance in the shape of a Bath bun. Wonder who invented Bath Buns? Was it to wear spurs, oughtn't he, uncle? Oh! Oh! a man in a Bath who wanted a bun? or a Baker at Bath? Think I'd better go back to Look! The horse has fallen-the rider. Did seat. Very full by now. Much hotter. Much dustier. Much more mushroomy, Join he come down with him, or on him? No? crowd by circus. Wish there was a band, or a clown. Go back to reserved seats. Wasn't that clever? Oh, look! that chestnut Altercation with elderly stout lady and daughter. My seat. No; her number. No. Reference tried to leap right over the partition, and to stall-keeper. Compromise. I take one lower down. More directly opposite H.R.H. I struck at somebody. How the people rush remark to a neighbour that this is luck. He says, Why? H.R.H.'s aren't coming. away from it! If one of them did run away, Ask (as he appears to be well informed) when anything is going to happen? (By this I what a sight it would be! I'm so glad we're mean jumps with probable accidents and excitement). He replies, about four o'clock. in reserved seats, &c., &c.. [N.B. This, for It is just two. Wish more than ever there was a clown, or a band. More people. English Ladies, must be the nearest approach to More badly dressed ladies than I've ever seen anywhere. Am seated over several foreigners, the ferociously unfeminine excitement of a Spanish who have come here by mistake, thinking it is a part of the Derby. Am hungry again. Bull-fight. But it's only a show to keep up and Foresee dyspepsia, after Bath buns. Reserved seats full now. More altercation. Apparently improve the best breeds of animals. After I've got every one's seat. Hotter and hotter. Ladies talk of fainting in the back seats, all, it is but one of our modes of amusing ourselves. so that I may hear them and offer them mine in front. No. Big man on my right. Big and affords (though every one owns it to be dull woman on my left. Am jammed in. Big man keeps jumping up, and recognising other big and monotonous, and admits that an hour of it is men below. He is an habitué, and knows the horses and their riders. Big woman keeps as much as one can stand)-Real Enjoyment!] brushed the wrong way, and thickly coated with the dust peculiar to circuses. Stagger through crowd into open air. No cabs. Omnibuses full. Water-carts been sufficiently at work to make it muddy where it isn't horribly dusty. Walk greater part of way home, as none of the 'busses you try to take, appear to be "going your way." Have walked so far, not worth bussing or cabbing it now. Very tired. Headache. Loss of appetite. Late for dinner. Bilious to-morrow. Real enjoyment! National show. Real Enjoyment for the Groom.-Mount a horse. Ride it round, if it will go round. Jump it over a hurdle, if it will jump over a hurdle. Be laughed at if it refuses. Try it again; laughed at again. Blank the brute. Horse takes it sudhead-over-heels, and over the partition among denly. Groom doesn't. Groom disappears the people. Carried back by several men. Unfit to do anything for weeks. Real enjoyment! True British sport! MYSTERIOUS CALLINGS. M AY we remark ?-we will-that one half of the world does not know how the other half-works. Do you doubt the correctness of this assertion? Look at a list of trades published in the Times, a few days ago, in an article on the Industrial Divisions of the International Exhibition to be held in London next year, and ask your self whether a tole rably large per-centage of these occupations, in which thousands of your fellow-men are engaged every day, are not as utterly unknown to you as the sources of the Irrawaddy, or the Charitable Institutions of the Moon? We will select a few, adding appropriate comments :Beaver-Cutters.-The only instance of cruelty in the list. (But Qy. as to the "Stripes Manufacturers.”) Calenderers. Here, of course, is a misprint; and yet it is difficult to see how the employment of those who are engaged in the preparation of almanacs, calendars, &c., can, with propriety, be classed amongst "Woollen Trades?" Mungo Merchants. A handsome reward is offered to any one who will give such information as may lead to the detection of this article of commerce. We think there is a Saint Mungo; we know that MUNGO PARK was very familiar to us in our boyhood; but beyond this we cannot get. Plainback Manufacturers.-We have long known what wonderful people there were in the manufacturing districts, but we confess that this proof of their possessing the creative faculty does come upon us by surprise. But why, why, with such a power in their hands, cannot they make handsome backs? There are too many plain. ones already in society. Regatta Manufacturers.-Would be invaluable at Cowes, or, indeed, at any of the head quarters of our leading Yacht Clubs. Now, we don't despair of meeting with Horse-Race Manufacturers and Cricket-Match Makers. Scribbling Millers.-No-this is a trade which certainly must not be encouraged. There are too many writers already. Once allow this precedent, and the bakers and the butchers and the greengrocers will all turn scribblers. The millers ought to know better. Shag Manufacturers.-In the tobacco line ? Lasting Manufacturers.-This is the business we will invest our spare capital in. No fear of bankruptcy or composition with creditors; no mills running short time; no ups and downs; but good, solid, permanent transactions-all profit and no risk. Zebra Dress Manufacturers.-On application at the Zoological Gardens we learn that there is no demand there for articles of clothing of this description. Perhaps animals confined in travelling menageries may require them. The officers of the Society have kindly promised to make further inquiry. Blue Manufacturers.-In other words, manufacturers who, when times are bad, are said to look blue. Cud-bear Manufacturers.-This animal is not known at the Gardens. The Council would be very glad to receive a specimen for exhibition. (Perhaps a misprint for cub bear?) Flyer Makers.-The Aeronautic Society will be delighted. Mule Makers.-Well, we are glad commercial enterprise has not speculated in asses. Too many of them as it is. Weavers' Mail Makers.-Not one person in ten thousand can have known before that the peaceful weaver pursues his pacific calling clothed in armour! Woolley Teeth Makers-Perhaps the most incomprehensible of all. A Committee of Dentists is now engaged in investigating this problem. Their report will be published in a later edition. AN AMERICAN NEWTON. DR. NEWTON, medical thaumaturge and spiritualistic mesmeriser, otherwise "healing medium," from America (U. S., of course), professes to cure not only people who resort to him, but also persons at He takes no fees, but, according to The Medium, any distance. spiritualist weekly journal: "DR. NEWTON'S PORTRAITS are one shilling each. Those which have been magnetised by the doctor are sold at two shillings. The proceeds of the sales do not go into any private purse, but directly to the promoting of Spiritualism in this country." If it is believed that anybody whosoever can derive any benefit from these portraits of DR. NEWTON except their original, it may be credited that DR. NEWTON himself derives none. Cela va sans dire. These pictures may save trouble and time thrown away. In all probability DR. NEWTON's magnetised portraits are just as efficacious in the cure of any disease as his mesmeric passes are, and his simple portraits equally remedial with those to which he has imparted magnetism. It is thus in the power of anybody, who believes in DR. NEWTON'S therapeutic energies, to obtain all the good they can do at the small charge of one shilling; and there can be no doubt that any sufferer had much better invest that sum in one of DR. NEWTON's likenesses, which cannot harm him, than spend the money on universal pills, or any other description of quack medicine. Even the sceptic must admit that he would rather look at a photograph than swallow a pill, and will, therefore, at least own that there will be a change somewhat for the better in case DR. NEWTON should supersede those advertising specific and panacea vendors of whom each is now in the enjoyment of an extensive practice on public credulity. The process by which DR. NEWTON magnetises his portraits is not generally known. Perhaps it is a simple wink of the eye. According to his believers, he heals the sick like winking. Possibly it suffices him to magnetise his portraits by contemplating them in the eye of the mind, and at the same time outstretching the fingers of one hand, whilst the thumb is applied to the tip of the nose. A CAUTION AS TO CROWDS. A FOREIGN Gentleman, standing in a crowd, by an abrupt, and probably nervous gesture of his hands, caused a couple of policemen to make the mistake of taking him into custody for attempting to pick pockets, and he was shut up at Bow Street from Saturday till Monday, MR. FLOWERS, in discharging him, recommended him to "avoid crowds for the future." Good advice for everybody who does not wish to be taken up as a thief, or let in for a witness. Finding himself in a crowd, a gentleman who does not know what to do with his hands cannot dispose of them better than by putting them in his pockets. He will thus not only keep his hands away from other people's pockets, but keep the hands of other people out of his own pockets too. Master George (to the new French Housemaid). "OH, FRANÇOISE?" Charles Dickens. BORN FEBRUARY 7, 1812. DIED JUNE 9, 1870. Hearing that he has passed beyond the veil, Before the Judge who metes to men their dues, Blanched at this sudden snapping of a life, So much of his thought our thoughts seemed to bear. CHARLES DICKENS dead! It is as if a light In every English home were quenched to-day; A hand all loved to press were turned to clay. To the judge on the bench, none read but owned The shaping faculty that breathed life's breath In types, all felt they knew and still had known, Since SHAKSPEARE'S, where the pen that so hath lent And who that ever wielded such a power When rich to poor shall be as friend to friend? Who can say how much of that love's pure leaven May be traced up to springs by him unsealed, Where'er sea breaks on English-speaking shore. |