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HINTS FOR CONVERSATION. (DERBY DAY.)

BEWARE OF THE TRAINS! DRAG is at the door. You No one more than Mr. Punch admires the pretty short costumes have your Fortnum and. which now adorn our parks, and promenades and croquet parties ; and Mason, your six-ounce over- no one more than Mr. Punch detests the odious long dresses, which coat, your cerulean veil, trip him up whene'er he takes his walks abroad, in London here at your betting-book, your bi- home. There is a right place for everything, and a long dress in a nocular. You

want some drawing-room is becoming, and in place. But a long dress out of thing more-a few hints for doors, and draggling in the dust, is becoming only in the fact of its conversation with those becoming such a nuisance, that the comfort of mankind demands its charming combinations of abolition. Mr. Punch has an idea that ladies rather like their dresses Nature and expensive milli- to be trampled on, as it affords them an excuse for turning sharply nery, who go with you to round and attracting an attention which they otherwise might miss. share your hopes, and fears, At any rate, he never scruples to tread upon a train when it is trailed and lunch, on this the Derby across his path, and he never condescends to offer an apology for the Day of 1870.

damage he inflícts. Other men, however, have not his self-command, 1. We will see, as in previous and nervously apologise for what is not their fault. years, whether the names of Certainly, it is not pleasant to stumble over a long skirt, and then be the horses which figure in scowled at just as though you deserved to be well horsewhipped. But the betting, (some of them ladies strut along defiant, like an Irishman at Donnybrook, and seem at a very low figure) will to challenge men to tread upon the tail of their long dress. So Mr. supply any materials for talk Punch feels neither pity nor compunction when he does so, and indeed on the road, and the rail, bis sole rejoices when it tears a fine new train. Slimmer men, howand the course.

ever, are both mentally and bodily upset by such an accident, and Macgregor.-Beaten out of results not wholly laughable have more than once occurred. The public the field at starting. Every clearly ought to be protected from such casualties, or it will soon be thing that it is possible to hardly safe to walk along the streets. Suicide through wearing crinosay about the favourite has line has been frequently committed ; and women may do manslaughter been said already in the best, by wearing a long skirt. If ladies wear long dresses in order to look the raciest manner, not in killing, by tripping

up a passer-by they actually may be so. Really, Baily, nor in Bell, nor yet in Ruff's Guide to the Turf; but in a novel, while this foolish fashion lingers in our streets, a notice should be one of "Scott's lot,” which, as these “Hints,” happily for you, will placarded at every crowded crossing, bidding all who pass there to be in your hands on Tuesday afternoon, you will bave ample time to Beware of the Trains !” read before the hour for conversation arrives; but remember, when you buy, or borrow, or hire the book, you must not ask for Macgregor, but for Rob Roy.

ECONOMY FOR LADIES. Camel. The first time this useful animal has been entered for com NOTIONS of economy are sadly out of fashion with those who write petition at Epsom. Great curiosity is felt about his running. A very about the fashions; but here is a delightful exception to the rule :spirited act on the part of the Council of the Zoological Society. You have often seen him in their Gardens on a Sunday. But is he not

“ So little marked and various is the prevailing mode, that ladies who have rather more than three years old, and would not a desert be the proper again this."

kept their dresses of last summer may, without attracting notice, wear them arena for him ? His friends, however, do not seem to desert him, for he is high up in the betting, and we run no risk in saying that it will Happy the man who, free from care, findeth his wife content will be to their behoof if Camel wins.

wear the dresses she last season bought, and this year troubleth him Sunshine.-Glad this horse was not named "Moonshine," for then we for nought! May she be merry in her old clothes, for they are far should have been left without a ray of hope..(Is this astronomically cheaper than new! What a darling duck a wife must be, who can live correct? The Astronomer Royal is probably in bed or in the clouds for some six months or so without dipping her bill for drapery into her by this time, and we do not like to disturb him.) Sunshine cheers us poor husband's pocket! Such little ducks will, when they moult their (no doubt about that): in return we will cheer Sunshine, if successful. fine feathers of the summer, put them carefully away to be ready for

Prince of Wales. One of the most remarkable coincidences that next year. If they be not little geese, they will never fear the danger could possibly happen would be for the PRINCE OF WALES to be pre- of attracting foolish notice by the fact that their plumage is a little sent, and see the Prince of Wales fly past the Judge's chair first out of fashion, for this to any man of sense who happens to observe it between three and four o'clock on Wednesday afternoon.

will simply be a proof of the admirable prudence wherewith it has been Bridgwater. It is settled that if any accident should prevent this kept. horse from running, he is not to be said to be "scratched,” but, with a delicate reference to a borough now in trouble, disfranchised. Kingcraft.-Defined as the art of governing; ” an accomplishment

Variety is not Charming. there is but little doubt Kingcraft's jockey will show he possesses. In an article liberally upholding the University Tests Abolition Bill,

Palmerston.-Ought to be first-to be Premier. At all events, it will the Times asks :be very strange if he does not get a place; and if Temple should be close up to him, there will be another remarkable coincidence.

"Is England an irreligious nation? Are we in any danger of becoming Normanby: – It will be vastly convenient for the Turf poets if this positivists because of the variety of religious denominations ?" horse should win, for Normanby would rhyme so well with Thormanby, No; but a people whose souls were less devoted to business than victorious at Epsom some years ago.

ours are, and who had leisure to trouble themselves about doctrinal King o' Scots.-We hope there is in the profession a jockey of the considerations, might be in some danger of becoming Negativists. name of PHELPS.

Cymbal.-Sounds well, but then, unfortunately, a cymbal is made to be beaten. (Afraid this has been said before of a quadruped with a

To your Posts! My Public. similarly suggestive name.)

MR. SCUDAMORE appeals to all sensible people to protect the teleStanley.--Excuse the old, old quotation : it is irresistible. We will graph apparatus. It seems that idiot boys,

and more idiotic men of the never do so again :

'rough" species, are in the habit of making cockshies of the insulators. On, STANLEY, on!”

Now the working of the telegraph is transferred to St. Martin's-leRecorder.—If this steed (used as a variation, to avoid too much that of handing over to condign punishment all mischievous fools,

Grand, we cannot conceive a more legitimate "postage duty” than of surprise, assuming, it may be expected, the shape of "Law, you young or old, found sbying at the telegraph posts, or damaging telegraph don't say so!”

wires. Astolfo.-Cousin to ORLANDO (see CHARLEY MAYNE and HARRY Ossto), and Orlando is on the roll of Derby winners, and talent runs in

Entertainment for Man and Beast. families.

DUE arrangements have been manle, we are glad to see, by Privy

Council Order, for "watering” beasts travelling by railway. Query if DEFINITION OF THE DERBY.

the “beasts” for whom “watering on a journey, compulsory pro

vision is most needed, are the four-legged ones? By the beasts we NOBODY now thinks about the @cumenical Council. Everybody's have had most reason to complain of–however fond of " liquoring up" mind is occupied with the Ecumenical Horse-Race.

"water" is about the last refreshment likely to be asked for.

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PUNCH'S DERBY PROPHECY.

" And now,

and solemn article, wherein he humbly and timialy describes the awful doings in the High Court of Parliament, he said,

as regards Macgregor, it is certain that

The exigencies of publication required that he should here break off, but he continued, though unreported,

“this vaunted horse will not only not win, but will not even be placed.”

Well, did he win? Was he placed ? Or was this the telegram ? Kingcraft.

1 Palmerston

2 Muster

3 But was this all? Punch not only named the Winner, in his magnificent and coherent Prophecy, but, – look at his picture last week,-his grand Cartoon. Look, we say, with both your eyes, and say whether the Artist did not

Spot the Winner!

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MUSIC. As an answer to all Correspondents, we beg to inform them that MR. ARTHUR S. SULLIVAN is lecturing at the South Kensington Museum. The Lectures are On Music," and, not extempore, but from his own notes. Those Ladies and Gentlemen who have taken tickets in the

hopes of hearing the talented composer sing bis 5

entire Oratorio, The Prodigal Cox and Box, right through from beginning to end, with imitations

of drum and trumpet passages, have expected As usual, the Great Creature was more extraordinarily right than ever; and, if you think this too much, and ought not to complain of disapsentence objectionable, the amount of care he feels is infinitesimal. But wasn't he ? Every other pointment. We are authorised to state that as Prophet

, from the highly-educated gentlemen who describe a race daintily (and some of them do the Lectures have no avowed political object, it very graphically indeed, besides quoting Latin), down to the touts and cads who send tips, therefore, the gentleman who took away somedeclared not only that Macgregor (behold his tartaned likeness) would win, but that nothing else body's umbrella “ by mistake” is requested to had any chance. 'Did Mr. Punch lend himself to that fatal delusion ? Not he. Even in the grave return it as soon as possible.

that:

BLACKHEATH AND THE BOARD OF WORKS.

A BEAUTIFUL PARLIAMENT. CERTAIN Witches in Macbeth, as performed with Witches additional

When lovely women are entrusted with the franchise, it may fairly to the Weird Sisters, sing, finely although in words other than those of be presumed that, in their choosing of a Member to vote for them in the divine WILLIAMS, to music traditionally called MATTHEW LOCKE's; Parliament, the Eyes will often have it. The man of handsome face brave music no matter whose :

will pretty surely gain their countenance. It will matter very little if

a candidate have brains, provided only he has beauty. “ We'll have a dance upon the heath."

Now, as women far outnumber men, their votes will be decisive in On which announcement one speaking as a Clown of that WILLIAMS' female suffrage. Therefore, candidates will chiefly aim to captivate the

deciding an election, in the good time coming, that is, of universal creation might ask, “Marry, how shall ye, an your heath be enclosed P” ladies, and will put on their best looks on the eve of an election. Now the possibility of dancing on the heath called Blackheath appears Indeed, as looks, not words, may be expected to have influence, we to be in danger, from the fact that a large meeting was held there the may live to see the day when, instead of putting forth an elaborate other evening with a view to take measures against its threatened address, stating with distinctness his political opinions, a would-be enclosure. The occasion of this concourse was one which might almost Member will content himself with issuing his photograph. This will have excused such a gathering as that once convened on the same site for Hyde Park was not then practicable by JACK CADE. But the say more in his favour than any other eloquence, especially if he be

gifted with a speaking countenance. President of this Assembly was DR. W. C. BENNETT, who stated

Ugly men, of course, will shrink from competition; and the battle at

the poll will go with the best looking. The Ladies' Man will gain the “By the Bill now sought to be obtained by the Metropolitan Board of day at each election; and what a Book of Beauty will Hansard not Works he found that it was proposed to invest that Board with the power of become, when every speech therein recorded is adorned, for female enclosing any portion of the heath they chose, and also that power would be reference, with the Member's carte de visite! Plain speakers will be given to prevent the assembling of persons for what was termed brawling quite unknown in the assemblage. Every M.P. will be either a Narand shouting.'”

cissus or Adonis. “Handsome is,” not “handsome does,” will be their As regards these powers which the Board of Works is seeking to the Premier: and, in short, the House of Commons will have to change

only qualification. The best-looking man of all will be perpetually obtain from the Legislature, let us hope we shall find that:

its title to the House of the Uncommons.
“ The House of Commons granted balf their prayer ;
The other half the winds dispersed in air.'

Another of our Institutions in Peril.
To prevent the assemblage of persons for what is termed, doubtless
in mild language,
brawling and shouting, is a power which by all means Reform threaten even them?

What is in danger ? Their meals or

Is something dreadful going to happen to our Footmen? Does let the Board of Works obtain, if they can enforce it, and will. But their plush, or their perquisites ? Some terrible calamity must be the power of enclosing any portion of the heath they choose is what hanging

over their powdered

heads, for a deputation from "The Livery may be called altogether another pair of shoes. May their solicitation Committee" have had an interview with MR. GÖSCHEN! for this power to spoil a common be referred by the Commons' House to a Select Committee consisting of Æolus and his aërial subjects; and may the wild winds, having scattered it, continue to sweep over Black

NULLI SECUNDUS.” heath as wild, or at least preserved, as Dr. BENNETT

said, " in its TAE dinner of the Coldstreams reminds us of their admirable antipresent natural open wildness.”

duelling proclamation. Nobody's Second.”

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word, not Scottish) should it be necessary. Just now, Mr. Punch PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, .' believes the Ministerial idea is to let the matter rest; but when the

Session shall be nearly over, and Members shall be tired and careless, somebody will say to somebody with a Happy Thought, "Now, Old Cockalorum, we'll bustle 'em somebow.” Now, as MR. DIsraeli says in one of his earlier novels, “Cocky is a very good Cocky, and Bustle' is a very good borse,” but he must not run on Kensington turf.

Wednesday. Second Reading, by 137 to 56, of a Bill for enabling a clergyman of the Church of England to doff his pastoral robe, il he finds it of the Nessus-shirt sort. That is, to let him by deed, enrolled in Chancery, and delivered to Bishop, relinquish his spiritual vocation. Also, if he think he should like to come back to the pulpit, he may do so by revoking his deed. Rather a good debate. MR. HENLEY, who has, for a most courageous man, a wonderful gift for seeing lions in every path, thought that sporting parsons would go out of orders during the hunting season, change black for pink, and afterwards return to the Church. Many things are possible, certainly, but a good many possible things never happen. The Bill is for the relief of a worthier sort of parson than he whom MR. HENLEY sketched. Government would not oppose the Second Reading, but added the usual reservation.

MR. PETER TAYLOR then went at the Game Laws, which he proposed to abolish. His arguments are well known, but some of his anecdotes seemed to be new, and were not accepted with favour. The smart speech of the day was by MR. STURT, who made good sport at MR. Taylor's cost, but had more to say than smart things. He said that if a landlord made his tenants his friends, killed the rabbits and a good many of the hares, did not let his shooting for dirty sovereigns, and built cottages, the labourers became Preservers. He had educated 4000 pheasants the year before last; and for 23 years the average of

poaching cases on his estate was only one annually. Adjourned by AY 24TH. Tuesday. Having retired from the House motion on the part of the clock-hands. of Commons, in displeasure at the affront offered

Yes, the Adulteration of Food Bill' was withdrawn, but we are to the Reporters, for whom he will ever fight,

not going to let that question drop. Why the artisans do not take until his waggish eyelids can no longer wag” (able it up, it is hard to say. It affects them almost exclusively—the folks Editors will please insert line in Hamlet, amended), at all events are not cheated in the quality of the goods. Wisdom

who pay the extortionate prices demanded by "high-class tradesmen” and having casually mentioned that Macgregor would not win the Derby (he did not), Mr. Punch necessarily omitted to mention what came from the East. In the East an extra-aluminous baker's ear had not happened at the time of his writing, When the Reporters against the newspaper that calls him thief. Punch infers that Wisdom

makes close acquaintance with his door-post-here we give him damages re-entered, they were loudly cheered from all parts of the House. took a return-ticket, and has used it. On the following night, LORD "An affront handsomely acknowledged becomes a favour," says Eustace Cecil brought up the question, and wanted Government to SHERIDAN. Smoothing his brow, therefore, and resuming that beaming undertake to deal with the law of adulteration. He and other Memsmile, never more exquisitely rendered than in last week's Cartoon bers adduced cases that almost make the imperturbable Mr. Punch in(which also predicted the appearance of MR. GLADSTONE at the Derby, dignant. But Mr. Bruce would only promise to "consider.” Mr. and the Premier was present), Mr. Punch proceeds to record that,

Punch jeers in ancient song, from sheer weary recklessnessMR. THOMAS HUGHES, boy-beloved Brown, brought in a Bill to amend the laws relating to Horse Racing. He showed that the Jockey

“ There was an old man, and he had an old cow,

And he had no victuals to give her; Club had not the power-if it had the will — to deal with betting and

So he took out his fiddle and played her a tune, premature racing. He wished to abolish the running of two-year-olds,

Consider, my cow, consider. to withhold the Queen's Plates from anything under four years old, and to bring persons under the wrath of the Betting Act who took He was not a practical old man. He might have played for hire, and deposits for bets. The debate was not so amusing as it might have bought her food, or he might have pawned his fiddle. But he was as been made. LORD Royston blushed (he said) that Parliament should practical as our law-makers. discuss such trumpery matters, and thought that a horse was an

Thursday. The Commons "saw land." That is, they saw to the end animal (even Mr. Squeers allowed this), and that a man having a of the Irish Land Bill

, and cheered considerably over the last amendproperty in his animal, ought to do as he pleased with it. Nor did he ment. MR. Lowo said they were parting, no doubt with many pangs, see harm in betting among

the lower orders, not even in that of house from the Bill, but that it would be hard work to get the House back maids and kitchen-maids. MR. GUEST thought Tattersall's ought to into the blissful

state of the last two months. Here it is convenient to be abolished, and that the newspapers ought not to publish the

odds, add, that on the following Tuesday the Bill Passed, and was sent to the MR. Bernat OSBORNE thought

the time of the House was wasted Lords, amid more cheering. This sort of " What a good boy, am I” over such a matter. Abstractedly, there may be something in this; but considering that the House

does not refuse to listen to a complaint may be natural, but we ask with tears in our eyes, is it dignified ? that a hedge-breaking tramp has had a couple of days' imprisonment, of a sentinel, to whose demand "Who goes there?” the reply was Imperial time might be spared to a subject which is interesting, as the given “Naval officer drunk in a wheelbarrow.” “ Pass Naval officer friends fof the turf vaunt, to the Million. The HOME SECRETARY drunk in a wheelbarrow." Naval officers never get drunk and ride in was for leaving racing matters to the Jockey Club, but said that wheelbarrows

now, but they do what annoys their superiors a great Government would do its best against betting. (The promise was deal more. They use an Englishman's liberty to write to the papers” partly redeemed, rather promptly, for the list-men were driven from when a wrong has been done. This practice excites the utmost ire on the Derby.) MR. HUGHES got leave by 132 to 44 to bring in his Bill. the part of the authorities, who visit the offender with damaging dis

MR. AYRTON made another contribution to Art. He managed some pleasure. The subject came up to-night. What would the authorities thing which a less skilful practitioner could hardly have accomplished. like? Should an officer, wronged, imitate recent proceedings in Jersey, Ministers have the most powerful majority that a Government has pos- and raise a Clameur de Childers-fall down on his knees on the quartersessed since the days of Pitt; and MR. AYRTON to-night actually deck and cry, “CHILDERS, CHILDERS, to my aid, my prince; somebody's contrived to have MR. GLADSTONE's Administration defeated by a a injuring of me." Surely this would not be compatible with the majority of 13. It was on that Kensington Road question-the giving dignity of an officer and a gentleman, and it would fail to impress the away (almost) some most valuable land, and removing fine trees. The midshipmites with that awe and reverence they ought to feel for House refused to nominate a Committee on the Bill., of course, their nautical superiors. attempt will be made to get the Vote rescinded. Now, Mr. Punch, as he has frequently remarked, is incarnate justice. He has rather dis Friday. LORD GRANVILLE spoke of the wanton, senseless, and indetinctly expressed his opinion of MR. AYRTON as an Art-Minister and fensible Fenian Raid into Canada, and said that our troops are not Ædile, and even conveyed that opinion pictorially last week. But in to be recalled at present. The gallant Canadians seem quite able and this matter of the Road, MR. AYRTON is not altogether to be con- willing to take care of themselves, and the only thing to be wished is demned. He inherited the scheme, he did not invent it. And there is that the Fenian scoundrels had marched a little farther into the bowels an Invisible Screw-patent enough to the far-glancing eyes of Mr. of the land, so that a good many more might have been shot and Punch. No more at present, but a great deal more presently (English hanged. Bat they have been very briefly kicked over the frontier, and

into the American gaol-see Cartoon--and if Brother JONATHAN wishes to heap coals of fire on our head he will "give it 'em hot”-if the

GLADSTONE AT THE DERBY. slight colloquiality be excusable in an international communication

“ Among the faces near the PRINCE OF WALES was seen, for the first time, whence inelegancies should be eliminated.

that of MR. GLADSTONE."- Derby Reporters. Nothing interesting in the Commons, except LORD EUSTACE CECIL's debate, already noted. A Burials Bill, which was grimly brought on at Of what is the great man thinking, as he looks o’er rough and raff, the witching hour of Midnight, the House resented, and divided until 'Mid the roar of the ring and the buzz of the stand, and the shouting it was too late to do anything but go to bed.

and slang and chaff ?

Is he thinking "Was it for this the House has sacrificed a day" Monday. The Lords had a wrangle, and there was even temper Or, “I

wonder what business I have here-and what those who see shown over the CHANCELLOR's Bill for Improving Judicature. Certain

me say?" Law Lords declared that it could not properly be dealt with in Committee, so they went out of the House, and the clauses were carried Or,, " Is this crowd a sample of the country? to which I go? in their absence. When Mr. Punch states that such peers as LORD Its lounging class and its labouring class—its high and middle and low ? CAIRNS and LORD WESTBURY were among these dissenters, it is more Are these roughs what I refer to, when I talk of working men'? generous in him than may be imagined, because he thereby precludes Is yon crowd a type of the masses,' and this of 'The Upper Ten ?"" himself from telling the story of the man in the gallery of the theatre, who, displeased at a play, cried.

“Silence, fellows, or I'll leave the Or is he comparing the races here with those in St. Stephen's ranhouse,", a story he would otherwise like to tell.

The “milking" and "scratching" before the event, the weighing after Touching the exclusion of strangers, MR. CRAUTURD explained

it's done. that he did not

mean to turn out the Ladies, inasmuch as all of them, The false starts, and the jockeyship—the rush past the Judge's chair, except two, had gone away as soon as they heard what subject was Now neck and neck, now with any amount of heads or lengths to coming on. But he wished to keep the discussion out of the news spare! papers. In reply to which Mr. Punch takes leave to cite, with extra- Is he thinking of the thrill of pride, as the winner moves along, ordinary approbation, a passage from an article in the Daily News

Back to the scales, amid the cheers of the clamouring, crowding “The gentlemen in the Reporters' Gallery, who are in the daily habit of throng; suppressing Parliamentary nonsense and bad grammar, would not be unequal And questioning which is the headiest draught, that which FRENCH will to the suppression of Parliamentary indecency."

drink to-day; Gunners, we mean shooters at game-listen! MR. Lowe intends Or his own, as through Palace Yard he moves, on the eve of some to make it obligatory to take out the present Game Certificate as well

mighty fray as the new Game Licence. And Mr. Punch records with pleasure Or wondering how men so all unlike as himself and the swells around that the Commons passed the Bill for protecting the Property and can breathe the same air, and wear the same clothes, and stand on the Earnings of Married Women- let the Lords sit and do likewise.

same ground? Tuesday. (Eve of the Kingcraft Derby.) Some sharp_talk in the Or ganging, Juventus Mundi against its Senectus here, House of Lords about the Bribery Commissioners, and LORD SALIS- In a parallel of the Derby with the races round Hector's bier ? BURY said that the brow-beating by some of them reminded him of Doth he sniff, complacent, in advance, or by anticipation spurn, JUDGE JEFFRIES (by the way, MR. SCHARF's National Portrait The incense to-morrow's newspapers will in his honour burn! Gallery has a full length of this judge when young, and he looks rather Is he here to study the sporting-men, and the mystery to explore an elegant and languid person, somewhat bored with life, and not at That still brings the flies to the spiders, and finds geese to pluck galore ? all like the "gorging fiend he afterwards became, as represented this year in MR. E. Ń. WARD's painting, wherein he reviles BAXTER), Or is he thinking of Bills to be drawn, vice Tom Hughes, by THRING, and a good

many other severe things were said-some of them will be For putting down two-year-old races, and clipping the combs of the noticed in India. The Lords passed the Felony Bill, so that the Ring ? family of a convict may not be exposed to the additional hardship of Is he here, like a schoolmaster, scanning the back on which the rod's becoming paupers. LORD CAIRNS gave notice that he should fight to be laid, the LORD CHANCELLOR on the Judicature Bill, and their Lordships Ere he selects the birch-twigs of which the rod shall be made ? rose for their holidays, which end the 13th of June.

The Commons met in the morning, that is, at 2 P.m., and sat till Or is he simply standing amazed, as a green though middle-aged man, working, indeed-perhaps the next day was not the Derby Day. The Half dazzle, and half disgusted, half horrified, half enthralled, past ? A.M., deducting a couple of hours for dinner. Yes, very hard at the mighty, motley, crowd he has come for the first time, to-day, to chief subject of their discussion was the Navy Estimates, into which Now cheered by the stir, and anon by the sin and rascaldom appalled ? Mr. Punch has not the remotest intention of going, beyond saying that about two millions of pounds sterling were voted. Having done Whatever the great man is thinking, I'm thinking as I stand near, with the ships,

None has more right to an outing, or looks less like taking it here. Their Commonships rose for their holidays, ending in what the mover He, too, as a Derby favourite his public running began; was pleased to call Thursday "se'nnight.”

But where he will end it, who can say he or any other man ? Wednesday. The Mysterious Wednesday, touching which Mr. Punch proposes here merely to quote from one of the most spirited poems by a bard whom Scotland ought to honour a great deal more than she

Fenians in Fourth Class Carriages. appears to do. For while hackneyed quotations from BURNS are THE Colonial Office received from 'SIR J. YOUNG, Governor General served up in every Scotch speech and article until one would believe of Canada, a telegram to the effect that the Fenians were much demothat Scotland had never owned another poet (whereas she is rich in that ralised, and were finding their way home in cattle trucks. Next to a matter), nobody in the North quotes Hogg. Mr. Punch will quote hurdle a cattle truck is about the most appropriate conveyance for him, however, apropos of the Derby :

Fenians that can well be conceived. Persons unacquainted with mili

tary language may wonder how it can be possible for creatures destitute “ MACGREGOR, MACGREGOR, our scouts have been flying. of a moral nature to be “ demoralised.” “Fancy the state of a cattle

truck full of demoralised Fenians. It would, of course, have to be Of riding and running such tidings they bear.

disinfected before an owner of stock could possibly think of putting Thou know'st in this strife I was never behind.'

into it a lot of any decent beasts.; MACGREGOR IS VANISHED FOR EVER AND AYB!"

An Advance.

We read of an A.B.C. company for utilising sewage by solidificaA Question for Ayrton.

tion. We are glad to see a Company for this purpose that has got as M. VANDAL is the Director-General of the French Post Office. far as the three first letters of the Alphabet. Till now, we have never

known one that even succeeded in making its mark.” Here, we have made our M. Vandal First Commissioner of Works.

People don't like asking AYRTON questions, but there is a question for “the noble savage" suggested by this arrangement—which is most out of place, a Vandal presiding over a nation's Letters, or a Vandal in

Who can wonder at MR. GLADSTONE wishing for a little relaxation, authority over its Arts?

and going to the Derby, after reading that in one day (not long before

the Epsom week) he received four deputations on the subject of the “THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY.”—Long Sermons.

Education Bill !

A HARD LIFE.

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GUESS

ANY ORNAMENTS FOR YOUR FIRE-STOVES P"
Little Flora (in great distress). “01, MAMMA, LOOK HERE ! JACK SAYS IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-

DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON IT, AND SHE'S STUCK IN THE CAIMNEY/"

IT.1

OUT !!

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THE CANADIAN VOLUNTEERS' SONG.

WHOLESALE TOBACCO-STOPPERS.
AIR—" The Canadian Boat Song."

We learn that at the annual meeting of the British Anti-Tobacco

Society,
FENIAN rogues, colleagued in crime,
Marauders, once more they have failed this time,

“The report asserted that the lunatic asylums were filled with persons
Scum of the earth, which alone to skim

whose malady had been mainly produced by the use of tobacco. It also stated The hangman is meet, and base work for him !

that smokers were generally tipplers, and impervious to the truths of religion."
Lo, brothers, lo, the thieves run fast,

There is no great step, perhaps between insanity and 'atheism, for
The rascals off sheer, and the danger's past.

lunatics and atheists alike are wanting reason. But the statement

that smokers are usually irreligious is not more true than the assertion Whilst plunder 's flag those foemen fur),

that they usually are lunatics. Either statement is as true, or it may be As high as a kick can a caitiff hurl,

as false, as the assumption that smokers are "generally tipplers;" and The villains who that banner bore,

we are not surprised to find that the tobacco-stoppers should have
The frontier we foot, each scoundrel, o'er ;

ended their report by sweepingly affirming that,
Ho, brothers ho, the knaves run fast !
Their rifles, for fear, are behind them cast.

“The great majority of diseases afflicting mankind was produced by

smoking.'
Up, away, skyward, trembling loon,
Aloft as far as the palefaced moon,

Doctors will, no doubt, attest the truth of this assertion. Everybody

knows, indeed, that scarlet fever, rheumatism, ague, gout, lumbago,
Shame of the Green Isle, Erin fair,
From tip of toe through fields of air !

sciatica, sore throat, neuralgia, tic-doloureux, dysentery, cholera, bron.

chitis, quinsy, asthma, toothache, small-pox, whooping-cough, and So brothers, so the brute flies fast,

measles, are all diseases mainly resulting from/tobacco. In general
And won't he come down with a bump at last!

estimation merely general assertions are held of little value; but this
fact is forgotten by the Anti-Smoke Society, who never seem to shrink

from going the whole hog in their protests against pig-tail.
Brief, but Obscure.
MRS. MALAPROP spent the Queen's Birthday very pleasantly at

Beware of Pickpockets! Hampton Court, listening to the band of the Lancets. But one thing rather puzzled her. Certain busts were pointed out to her as those of The House of Rothschild has issued the prospectus of a new the Roman Emperors, CÆSAR and Pompey and the rest of them; and Spanish loan on the security of the Almaden quicksilver mines. Let yet she noticed that under every one was the word-objectionable investors look at the present position of Spanish bondholders and be anywhere, but particularly so in such place Hampton),Court wise. Spanish Governments may lend on quicksilver,, but they pay in Palace-Imp.

remarkably slow gold.

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