HINTS FOR CONVERSATION. (DERBY DAY.) S We will see, as in previous years, whether the names of the horses which figure in the betting (some of them at a very low figure) will supply any materials for talk on the road, and the rail, and the course. Macgregor.-Beaten out of the field at starting. Everything that it is possible to say about the favourite has been said already in the best, the raciest manner, not in Baily, nor in Bell, nor yet in Ruff's Guide to the Turf; but in a novel, one of "SCOTT's lot," which, as these "Hints," happily for you, will be in your hands on Tuesday afternoon, you will have ample time to read before the hour for conversation arrives; but remember, when you buy, or borrow, or hire the book, you must not ask for Macgregor, but for Rob Roy. Camel.-The first time this useful animal has been entered for competition at Epsom. Great curiosity is felt about his running. A very spirited act on the part of the Council of the Zoological Society. You have often seen him in their Gardens on a Sunday. But is he not rather more than three years old, and would not a desert be the proper arena for him? His friends, however, do not seem to desert him, for he is high up in the betting, and we run no risk in saying that it will be to their behoof if Camel wins. Sunshine. Glad this horse was not named "Moonshine," for then we should have been left without a ray of hope. (Is this astronomically correct? The Astronomer Royal is probably in bed or in the clouds by this time, and we do not like to disturb him.) Sunshine cheers us (no doubt about that): in return we will cheer Sunshine, if successful. Prince of Wales.-One of the most remarkable_coincidences that could possibly happen would be for the PRINCE OF WALES to be present, and see the Prince of Wales fly past the Judge's chair first between three and four o'clock on Wednesday afternoon. Bridgwater.-It is settled that if any accident should prevent this horse from running, he is not to be said to be "scratched," but, with a delicate reference to a borough now in trouble, "disfranchised." Kingcraft.-Defined as the "art of governing; an accomplishment there is but little doubt Kingcraft's jockey will show he possesses. Palmerston.-Ought to be first-to be Premier. At all events, it will be very strange if he does not get a place; and if Temple should be close up to him, there will be another remarkable coincidence. Normanby. It will be vastly convenient for the Turf poets if this horse should win, for Normanby would rhyme so well with Thormanby, victorious at Epsom some years ago. King o' Scots.-We hope there is in the profession a jockey of the name of PHELPS. Cymbal.-Sounds well, but then, unfortunately, a cymbal is made to be beaten. (Afraid this has been said before of a quadruped with a similarly suggestive name.) Stanley.-Excuse the old, old quotation: it is irresistible. We will never do so again : : "On, STANLEY, on!" Recorder. If this steed (used as a variation, to avoid too much tautology) should take the Stakes, there will be a general exclamation of surprise, assuming, it may be expected, the shape of "Law, you don't say so! Astolfo.-Cousin to ORLANDO (see CHARLEY MAYNE and HARRY OSSTO), and Orlando is on the roll of Derby winners, and talent runs in families. DEFINITION OF THE DERBY. BEWARE OF THE TRAINS! No one more than Mr. Punch admires the pretty short costumes which now adorn our parks, and promenades and croquet parties; and no one more than Mr. Punch detests the odious long dresses, which trip him up whene'er he takes his walks abroad, in London here at home. There is a right place for everything, and a long dress in a drawing-room is becoming, and in place. But a long dress out of doors, and draggling in the dust, is becoming only in the fact of its becoming such a nuisance, that the comfort of mankind demands its abolition. Mr. Punch has an idea that ladies rather like their dresses to be trampled on, as it affords them an excuse for turning sharply round and attracting an attention which they otherwise might miss. At any rate, he never scruples to tread upon a train when it is trailed across his path, and he never condescends to offer an apology for the damage he inflicts. Other men, however, have not his self-command, and nervously apologise for what is not their fault. Certainly it is not pleasant to stumble over a long skirt, and then be scowled at just as though you deserved to be well horse whipped. But ladies strut along defiant, like an Irishman at Donnybrook, and seem to challenge men to tread upon the tail of their long dress. So Mr. Punch feels neither pity nor compunction when he does so, and indeed his sole rejoices when it tears a fine new train. Slimmer men, however, are both mentally and bodily upset by such an accident, and results not wholly laughable have more than once occurred. The public clearly ought to be protected from such casualties, or it will soon be hardly safe to walk along the streets. Suicide through wearing crinoline has been frequently committed; and women may do manslaughter by wearing a long skirt. If ladies wear long dresses in order to look killing, by tripping up a passer-by they actually may be so. Really, while this foolish fashion lingers in our streets, a notice should be placarded at every crowded crossing, bidding all who pass there to Beware of the Trains!" ECONOMY FOR LADIES. NOTIONS of economy are sadly out of fashion with those who write about the fashions; but here is a delightful exception to the rule:"So little marked and various is the prevailing mode, that ladies who have kept their dresses of last summer may, without attracting notice, wear them again this." Happy the man who, free from care, findeth his wife content will wear the dresses she last season bought, and this year troubleth him for nought! May she be merry in her old clothes, for they are far cheaper than new! What a darling duck a wife must be, who can live for some six months or so without dipping her bill for drapery into her poor husband's pocket! Such little ducks will, when they moult their fine feathers of the summer, put them carefully away to be ready for next year. If they be not little geese, they will never fear the danger of attracting foolish notice by the fact that their plumage is a little out of fashion, for this to any man of sense who happens to observe it will simply be a proof of the admirable prudence wherewith it has been kept. Entertainment for Man and Beast. DUE arrangements have been made, we are glad to see, by Privy Council Order, for "watering" beasts travelling by railway. Query if the "beasts" for whom "watering" on a journey compulsory provision is most needed, are the four-legged ones? By the beasts we NOBODY now thinks about the Ecumenical Council. Everybody's have had most reason to complain of-however fond of "liquoring up" mind is occupied with the Ecumenical Horse-Race. "water" is about the last refreshment likely to be asked for. PUNCH'S DERBY PROPHECY. As usual, the Great Creature was more extraordinarily right than ever; and, if you think this sentence objectionable, the amount of care he feels is infinitesimal. But wasn't he? Every other Prophet, from the highly-educated gentlemen who describe a race daintily (and some of them do it very graphically indeed, besides quoting Latin), down to the touts and cads who send tips, declared not only that Macgregor (behold his tartaned likeness) would win, but that nothing else had any chance. Did Mr. Punch lend himself to that fatal delusion? Not he. Even in the grave BLACKHEATH AND THE BOARD OF WORKS. CERTAIN Witches in Macbeth, as performed with Witches additional to the Weird Sisters, sing, finely although in words other than those of the divine WILLIAMS, to music traditionally called MATTHEW LOCKE'S; brave music no matter whose : "We'll have a dance upon the heath." On which announcement one speaking as a Clown of that WILLIAMS, creation might ask, "Marry, how shall ye, an your heath be enclosed?" Now the possibility of dancing on the heath called Blackheath appears to be in danger, from the fact that a large meeting was held there the other evening with a view to take measures against its threatened enclosure. The occasion of this concourse was one which might almost have excused such a gathering as that once convened on the same site for Hyde Park was not then practicable by JACK CADE. But the President of this Assembly was DR. W. C. BENNETT, who stated that:: "By the Bill now sought to be obtained by the Metropolitan Board of Works he found that it was proposed to invest that Board with the power of enclosing any portion of the heath they chose, and also that power would be given to prevent the assembling of persons for what was termed brawling and shouting.' ་ and solemn article, wherein he humbly and timidly describes the awful doings in the High Court of Parliament, he said, "And now, as regards Macgregor, it is certain that" As an answer to all Correspondents, we beg to inform them that MR. ARTHUR S. SULLIVAN is lecturing at the South Kensington Museum. The Lectures are "On Music," and, not extempore, but from his own notes. Those Ladies and Gentlemen who have taken tickets in the hopes of hearing the talented composer sing his entire Oratorio, The Prodigal Cox and Box, right through from beginning to end, with imitations of drum and trumpet passages, have expected too much, and ought not to complain of disappointment. We are authorised to state that as the Lectures have no avowed political object, therefore, the gentleman who took away somebody's umbrella "by mistake" is requested to return it as soon as possible. A BEAUTIFUL PARLIAMENT. WHEN lovely women are entrusted with the franchise, it may fairly be presumed that, in their choosing of a Member to vote for them in Parliament, the Eyes will often have it. The man of handsome face will pretty surely gain their countenance. It will matter very little if a candidate have brains, provided only he has beauty. Now, as women far outnumber men, their votes will be decisive in deciding an election, in the good time coming, that is, of universal female suffrage. Therefore, candidates will chiefly aim to captivate the ladies, and will put on their best looks on the eve of an election. Indeed, as looks, not words, may be expected to have influence, we may live to see the day when, instead of putting forth an elaborate address, stating with distinctness his political opinions, a would-be Member will content himself with issuing his photograph. This will say more in his favour than any other eloquence, especially if he be gifted with a speaking countenance. Ugly men, of course, will shrink from competition; and the battle at the poll will go with the best looking. The Ladies' Man will gain the day at each election; and what a Book of Beauty will Hansard not become, when every speech therein recorded is adorned, for female reference, with the Member's carte de visite! Plain speakers will be quite unknown in the assemblage. Every M.P. will be either a Narcissus or Adonis. "Handsome is," not "handsome does," will be their only qualification. The best-looking man of all will be perpetually its title to the House of the Uncommons. As regards these powers which the Board of Works is seeking to the Premier: and, in short, the House of Commons will have to change obtain from the Legislature, let us hope we shall find that: "The House of Commons granted half their prayer; To prevent the assemblage of persons for what is termed, doubtless in mild language, brawling and shouting, is a power which by all means let the Board of Works obtain, if they can enforce it, and will. But the power of enclosing any portion of the heath they choose is what may be called altogether another pair of shoes. May their solicitation for this power to spoil a common be referred by the Commons' House to a Select Committee consisting of Eolus and his aërial subjects; and may the wild winds, having scattered it, continue to sweep over Blackheath as wild, or at least preserved, as DR. BENNETT said, "in its present natural open wildness." VOL LVIII. A A AY 24TH. Tuesday. Having retired from the House of Commons, in displeasure at the affront offered not going to let that question drop. Why the artisans do not take Yes, the Adulteration of Food Bill was withdrawn, but we are to the Reporters, for whom he will ever fight, until his waggish eyelids can no longer wag" (able it up, it is hard to say. It affects them almost exclusively the folks Editors will please insert line in Hamlet, amended), who pay the extortionate prices demanded by "high-class tradesmen " and having casually mentioned that Macgregor would not win the at all events are not cheated in the quality of the goods. Wisdom Derby (he did not), Mr. Punch necessarily omitted to mention what makes close acquaintance with his door-post-here we give him damages came from the East. In the East an extra-aluminous baker's ear had not happened at the time of his writing. When the Reporters against the newspaper that calls him thief. Punch infers that Wisdom re-entered, they were loudly cheered from all parts of the House. took a return-ticket, and has used it. On the following night, LORD An affront handsomely acknowledged becomes a favour," says EUSTACE CECIL brought up the question, and wanted Government to SHERIDAN. Smoothing his brow, therefore, and resuming that beaming undertake to deal with the law of adulteration. He and other Memsmile, never more exquisitely rendered than in last week's Cartoon bers adduced cases that almost make the imperturbable Mr. Punch in(which also predicted the appearance of MR. GLADSTONE at the Derby, dignant. But MR. BRUCE would only promise to "consider." Mr. and the Premier was present), Mr. Punch proceeds to record that, Punch jeers in ancient song, from sheer weary recklessness"There was an old man, and he had an old cow, And he had no victuals to give her; So he took out his fiddle and played her a tune, 6 He was not a practical old man. He might have played for hire, and bought her food, or he might have pawned his fiddle. But he was as practical as our law-makers. MR. THOMAS HUGHES, boy-beloved Brown, brought in a Bill to amend the laws relating to Horse Racing. He showed that the Jockey Club had not the power-if it had the will-to deal with betting and premature racing. He wished to abolish the running of two-year-olds, to withhold the Queen's Plates from anything under four years old, and to bring persons under the wrath of the Betting Act who took deposits for bets. The debate was not so amusing as it might have been made. LORD ROYSTON blushed (he said) that Parliament should discuss such trumpery matters, and thought that a horse was an animal (even Mr. Squeers allowed this), and that a man having a of the Irish Land Bill, and cheered considerably over the last amendThursday. The Commons "saw land." That is, they saw to the end property in his animal, ought to do as he pleased with it. Nor did he ment. MR. LOWE said they were parting, no doubt with many pangs, see harm in betting among the lower orders, not even in that of house- from the Bill, but that it would be hard work to get the House back maids and kitchen-maids. MR. GUEST thought Tattersall's ought to into the blissful state of the last two months. Here it is convenient to be abolished, and that the newspapers ought not to publish the odds. add, that on the following Tuesday the Bill Passed, and was sent to the MR. BERNAL OSBORNE thought the time of the House was wasted Lords, amid more cheering. This sort of "What a good boy am I" over such a matter. Abstractedly, there may be something in this; may be natural, but we ask with tears in our eyes, is it dignified? but considering that the House does not refuse to listen to a complaint that a hedge-breaking tramp has had a couple of days' imprisonment, of a sentinel, to whose demand "Who goes there?" the reply was In one of the jolly BLACKWOOD novels of old days, there is a story Imperial time might be spared to a subject which is interesting, as the given "Naval officer drunk in a wheelbarrow." "Pass Naval officer friends of the turf vaunt, to the Million. The HOME SECRETARY drunk in a wheelbarrow." Naval officers never get drunk and ride in was for leaving racing matters to the Jockey Club, but said that wheelbarrows now, but they do what annoys their superiors a great Government would do its best against betting. (The promise was deal more. They use an Englishman's liberty to "write to the papers" partly redeemed, rather promptly, for the list-men were driven from when a wrong has been done. This practice excites the utmost ire on the Derby.) MR. HUGHES got leave by 132 to 44 to bring in his Bill. the part of the authorities, who visit the offender with damaging disMR. AYRTON made another contribution to Art. He managed some- pleasure. The subject came up to-night. What would the authorities thing which a less skilful practitioner could hardly have accomplished. like? Should an officer, wronged, imitate recent proceedings in Jersey, Ministers have the most powerful majority that a Government has pos- and raise a Clameur de Childers-fall down on his knees on the quartersessed since the days of PITT; and MR. AYRTON to-night actually deck and cry, "CHILDERS, CHILDERS, to my aid, my prince; somebody's contrived to have MR. GLADSTONE'S Administration defeated by a a injuring of me." Surely this would not be compatible with the majority of 13. It was on that Kensington Road question-the giving dignity of an officer and a gentleman, and it would fail to impress the away (almost) some most valuable land, and removing fine trees. The midshipmites with that awe and reverence they ought to feel for House refused to nominate a Committee on the Bill. Of course, their nautical superiors. attempt will be made to get the Vote rescinded. Now, Mr. Punch, as he has frequently remarked, is incarnate justice. He has rather dis- Friday. LORD GRANVILLE spoke of the wanton, senseless, and indetinctly expressed his opinion of MR. AYRTON as an Art-Minister and fensible Fenian Raid into Canada, and said that our troops are not Edile, and even conveyed that opinion pictorially last week. But in to be recalled at present. The gallant Canadians seem quite able and this matter of the Road, MR. AYRTON is not altogether to be con- willing to take care of themselves, and the only thing to be wished is demned. He inherited the scheme, he did not invent it. And there is that the Fenian scoundrels had marched a little farther into the bowels an Invisible Screw-patent enough to the far-glancing eyes of Mr. of the land, so that a good many more might have been shot and Punch. No more at present, but a great deal more presently (English hanged. But they have been very briefly kicked over the frontier, and into the American gaol-see Cartoon--and if Brother JONATHAN wishes to heap coals of fire on our head he will "give it 'em hot"-if the slight colloquiality be excusable in an international communication whence inelegancies should be eliminated. Nothing interesting in the Commons, except LORD EUSTACE CECIL'S debate, already noted. A Burials Bill, which was grimly brought on at the witching hour of Midnight, the House resented, and divided until it was too late to do anything but go to bed. GLADSTONE AT THE DERBY. "Among the faces near the PRINCE OF WALES was seen, for the first time, that of MR. GLADSTONE."-Derby Reporters. Or what is the great man thinking, as he looks o'er rough and raff, 'Mid the roar of the ring and the buzz of the stand, and the shouting and slang and chaff ? Is he thinking "Was it for this the House has sacrificed a day? Monday. The Lords had a wrangle, and there was even temper Or, "I wonder what business I have here-and what those who see shown over the CHANCELLOR'S Bill for Improving Judicature. Certain me say?" Law Lords declared that it could not properly be dealt with in Com mittee, so they went out of the House, and the clauses were carried Or, "Is this crowd a sample of the country to which I go? in their absence. When Mr. Punch states that such peers as LORD Its lounging class and its labouring class-its high and middle and low? CAIRNS and LORD WESTBURY were among these dissenters, it is more Are these roughs what I refer to, when I talk of working men'? generous in him than may be imagined, because he thereby precludes Is yon crowd a type of the masses,' and this of The Upper Ten?"" himself from telling the story of the man in the gallery of the theatre, who, displeased at a play, cried."Silence, fellows, or I'll leave the house," a story he would otherwise like to tell. Touching the exclusion of strangers, MR. CRAUFURD explained that he did not mean to turn out the Ladies, inasmuch as all of them, except two, had gone away as soon as they heard what subject was coming on. But he wished to keep the discussion out of the newspapers. In reply to which Mr. Punch takes leave to cite, with extraordinary approbation, a passage from an article in the Daily News: "The gentlemen in the Reporters' Gallery, who are in the daily habit of suppressing Parliamentary nonsense and bad grammar, would not be unequal to the suppression of Parliamentary indecency." Gunners—we mean shooters at game-listen! MR. LOWE intends to make it obligatory to take out the present Game Certificate as well as the new Game Licence. And Mr. Punch records with pleasure that the Commons passed the Bill for protecting the Property and Earnings of Married Women-let the Lords sit and do likewise. Or is he comparing the races here with those in St. Stephen's runThe "milking" and "scratching" before the event, the weighing after it's done. The false starts, and the jockeyship-the rush past the Judge's chair, Is he thinking of the thrill of pride, as the winner moves along, Or his own, as through Palace Yard he moves, on the eve of some Or wondering how men so all unlike as himself and the swells around Can breathe the same air, and wear the same clothes, and stand on the same ground? Tuesday. (Eve of the Kingcraft Derby.) Some sharp_ talk in the Or gauging Juventus Mundi against its Senectus here, House of Lords about the Bribery Commissioners, and LORD SALIS- In a parallel of the Derby with the races round Hector's bier ? BURY said that the brow-beating by some of them reminded him of Doth he sniff, complacent, in advance, or by anticipation spurn, JUDGE JEFFRIES (by the way, MR. SCHARF'S National Portrait The incense to-morrow's newspapers will in his honour burn? Gallery has a full length of this judge when young, and he looks rather Is he here to study the sporting-men, and the mystery to explore an elegant and languid person, somewhat bored with life, and not at That still brings the flies to the spiders, and finds geese to pluck galore? all like the " gorging fiend" he afterwards became, as represented this year in MR. E. M. WARD's painting, wherein he reviles BAXTER), Or is he thinking of Bills to be drawn, vice Toм HUGHES, by THRING, and a good many other severe things were said-some of them will be For putting down two-year-old races, and clipping the combs of the noticed in India. The Lords passed the Felony Bill, so that the Ring? family of a convict may not be exposed to the additional hardship of Is he here, like a schoolmaster, scanning the back on which the rod's becoming paupers. LORD CAIRNS gave notice that he should fight to be laid, the LORD CHANCELLOR on the Judicature Bill, and their Lordships Ere he selects the birch-twigs of which the rod shall be made? rose for their holidays, which end the 13th of June. scan; The Commons met in the morning, that is, at 2 P.M., and sat till Or is he simply standing amazed, as a green though middle-aged man, past 1 A.M., deducting a couple of hours for dinner. Yes, very hard At the mighty, motley, crowd he has come for the first time, to-day, to working, indeed-perhaps the next day was not the Derby Day. The Half dazzled and half disgusted, half horrified, half enthralled, chief subject of their discussion was the Navy Estimates, into which Now cheered by the stir, and anon by the sin and rascaldom appalled? Mr. Punch has not the remotest intention of going, beyond saying that about two millions of pounds sterling were voted. Having done Whatever the great man is thinking, I'm thinking as I stand near, with the ships, None has more right to an outing, or looks less like taking it here. He, too, as a Derby favourite his public running began; But where he will end it, who can say he or any other man? Their Commonships rose for their holidays, ending in what the mover was pleased to call Thursday "se'nnight.” Wednesday. The Mysterious Wednesday, touching which Mr. Punch proposes here merely to quote from one of the most spirited poems by a bard whom Scotland ought to honour a great deal more than she appears to do. For while hackneyed quotations from BURNS are served up in every Scotch speech and article until one would believe that Scotland had never owned another poet (whereas she is rich in that matter), nobody in the North quotes HOGG. Mr. Punch will quote him, however, apropos of the Derby : “MACGREGOR, MACGREGOR, our scouts have been flying. * * Fenians in Fourth Class Carriages. THE Colonial Office received from SIR J. YOUNG, Governor General of Canada, a telegram to the effect that the Fenians were much demoralised, and were finding their way home in cattle trucks. Next to a hurdle a cattle truck is about the most appropriate conveyance for Fenians that can well be conceived. Persons unacquainted with military language may wonder how it can be possible for creatures destitute of a moral nature to be "demoralised." Fancy the state of a cattle truck full of demoralised Fenians. It would, of course, have to be disinfected before an owner of stock could possibly think of putting into it a lot of any decent beasts. An Advance. WE read of an A.B.C. company for utilising sewage by solidification. We are glad to see a Company for this purpose that has got as far as the three first letters of the Alphabet. Till now, we have never known one that even succeeded in "making its mark." A HARD LIFE. WHO can wonder at MR. GLADSTONE wishing for a little relaxation, and going to the Derby, after reading that in one day (not long before the Epsom week) he received four deputations on the subject of the Education Bill! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL Little Flora (in great distress). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS IT'S AUNT FANNY! THE CANADIAN VOLUNTEERS' SONG. AIR-" The Canadian Boat Song." FENIAN rogues, colleagued in crime, Whilst plunder's flag those foemen furl, Up, away, skyward, trembling loon, Aloft as far as the palefaced moon, Shame of the Green Isle, Erin fair, From tip of toe through fields of air! So brothers, so the brute flies fast, And won't he come down with a bump at last! Brief, but Obscure. MRS. MALAPROP spent the Queen's Birthday very pleasantly at Hampton Court, listening to the band of the Lancets. But one thing rather puzzled her. Certain busts were pointed out to her as those of the Roman Emperors, CESAR and POMPEY and the rest of them; and yet she noticed that under every one was the word-objectionable anywhere, but particularly so in such a place as Hampton),Court Palace-Imp. WHOLESALE TOBACCO-STOPPERS. We learn that at the annual meeting of the British Anti-Tobacco Society "The report asserted that the lunatic asylums were filled with persons whose malady had been mainly produced by the use of tobacco. It also stated that smokers were generally tipplers, and impervious to the truths of religion." There is no great step, perhaps between insanity and 'atheism, for lunatics and atheists alike are wanting reason. But the statement that smokers are usually irreligious is not more true than the assertion that they usually are lunatics. Either statement is as true, or it may be as false, as the assumption that smokers are generally tipplers;" and we are not surprised to find that the tobacco-stoppers should have ended their report by sweepingly affirming that "The great majority of diseases afflicting mankind was produced by smoking." Doctors will, no doubt, attest the truth of this assertion. Everybody knows, indeed, that scarlet fever, rheumatism, ague, gout, lumbago, sciatica, sore-throat, neuralgia, tic-doloureux, dysentery, cholera, bronchitis, quinsy, asthma, toothache, small-pox, whooping-cough, and measles, are all diseases mainly resulting from tobacco. In general estimation merely general assertions are held of little value; but this fact is forgotten by the Anti-Smoke Society, who never seem to shrink from going the whole hog in their protests against pig-tail. Beware of Pickpockets! THE House of Rothschild has issued the prospectus of a new Spanish loan on the security of the Almaden quicksilver mines. Let investors look at the present position of Spanish bondholders and be wise. Spanish Governments may lend on quicksilver, but they pay in remarkably slow gold. |