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to school, with proverbs for his rules, and he took care of PUNCH'S DERBY PROPHECY.
Number One" so particularly, that he was expelled in a week,
for being greedy, cruel, and dishonest. Not that all proverbs Y noble Father (if you are absurd or misleading. I will recite to you a few which have the happiness of appear to me to be epigrams of merit. You are yawning ? bearing that name, Got up too early this Derby Day, I'm afraid ? Diluculo surgere and if you have not I saluberrimum est, but if you yawn it shows that such surgery don't care), I do per doesn't agree with you. Take a cigar. ceive here a divided Aggravating, am I? Very likely; but don't you call hard duty. Half to you, names, because they butter no parsnips; and if they did, I half, and the better wouldn't eat the latter, for I hate them. You must take butter half,—to myself. You with truffles, MR. DISRAELI mentions that in Lothair. Haven't want a Prophecy ? read that ?' And have I demeaned myself to talk on a Derby Well, your reasons, Day with a fellow that hasn't read Lothair ? I am ashamed --come, pronounce of myself. Get the book, and read it directly. I do not suppose “Oh, you have had that you will understand it, you being, as I have previously one every year for remarked, a duffer ; but still, don't walk about as if you such a time” Call belonged to the human race, and yet own that you have not that a reason ? Seems read Lothair. You should blush to walk among the race of to me it pulls the men, as Achilles says, stating his own feelings until he shall other way. When the have killed Hector. Did you ever read Homer? What ? Frenchman showed Yes ?” I say, my good fellow, there is a limit to everything.
Revolutionary Even on the Derby Day you should not. It's the biggest that Tribunal that a cer- will be told all day, and that's saying something of a day tain estate had been devoted to a harmless national amusement, and the improvein his family for four ment of the breed of English horses. You read HOMER! He hundred years, the wrote the Æneid, did he not? A charming poem, isn't it, Judges told him that, all about the deliverance of Jerusalem ? Beautifully illustrated by his own admission, by M. GUSTAVE DORÊ? Describes the Demon of the Cape ? the family had held | Fine passage, Adam's Address to the Sun ? Get out with it quite long enough, you, Impostor! "Take off his skates !” said MR. PICKWICK.
so they took it away. " Off with his head!” said KING RICHARD. “They're off !” Do you see the application? Why then rejoice, therefore, as SHAKSPEARE says. Now - who said that? Oh, by Jove, it's the Million. 'Tis the comes a beseeching look. "But, Mr. Punch, your Prophecy is so delightful!” Ah, voice of the Million, I heard 'em complain, Some have started that's another pair of knickerbockers. I am not marble,-wish I were, this hot weather. too soon; you must start 'em again. Like a door on its hindThis brings me to my duty to myself. Ought I to write with the glass at 80°? To be legs, so hesure, I daresay it will not be that when you read what I write. Perhaps it will be “Too late now?" Stuff, nonsense! never too late. You raining, snowing, or east-windy. What a lark! “ Then you will need the Prophecy to want to know who is the real Winner of the Derby? Well, comfort you." Ah, there you go! I'm too soft-hearted, and that's a fact.
I am a gentleman, if ever there was one, and I apologise, What's to happen on the Derby Day, “that Mysterious Wednesday,” as my friend d'avance, for mentioning such a name to you, or in connection Mr. GLADSTONE, Member for Greenwich, calls it. You may have heard of him? Not with nonsense. Still
, it is no secret, for 'I was in the House to know him, argues yourself uncommon obscure. But obscurity is not a crime, except of Lords, and heard what was said, and saw how gratified he in argument. Don't be downcast. MR. GLADSTONE called the Derby Day by that looked; and well he might look gratified. The real Winner name, and that's enough. “What's to happen ?” Well, several things. Tom Blobus of the Derby is the Lady who, it has been announced, allies will go out in the morning, shrugging his shoulders in the most superior manner herself to the Nobleman formerly advantageously known as when his wife hints Epsom, and making a face as if that pretty woman offered him | LORD STANLEY, and I humbly and respectfully offer my cona glass of Epsom salts. “I go to the Derby?” or,-for his grammar is not his forte, gratulations on the arrangement.
- he'll perhaps begin, “ Me go?” He will go, though; and when he comes home I think I have read you a lesson, my noble Father, about late, with his hat stuck full of penny dolls, and his eyes winking like those of a mortified teasing me for a Prophecy. owl, he'll say, with more or less distinctness, that he hadn't the slightest idea of going, but as Bob TOPPER—" You don't seem amused? You've had this sort of anecdote before. Who said you hadn't? Will you tell me to my face that you expect anything COLUMBUS IN THE CALENDAR. new about the Derby? Isn't this the kind of thing served up every year? “But not by Mr. Punch.” There you come with your compliments again. Well, "go on The North German Correspondent announces that "the flattering, Sir," as is said in the Angel in the House. "A woman 's like the Koh-i-Noor, beatification of CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, of which there Worth just the price you put on her.” What has that to do with it? Who said was some talk a few years ago, seems now about to be it had anything? But that's the finish of the quotation. I despise anybody who carried through in good earnest." We are advised by an leaves things unfinished.
ancient sage to call no man happy before his death. What do you say ? Clear that you will not get a prophecy. Do not be cheeky COLUMBUS has been dead 364 years. Should his beatifica“the pig was killed because he had too much cheek," quo' INSPECTOR BUCKET. tion be pronounced now, it will exemplify, a customary I may be allowed to proceed in my own way, I hope. Did you read the debate on pontifical extension of the old philosopher's rule to an Horse Racing initiated (I dare say you'd say eliminated, you idiot) by Mr. Thomas extreme. Centuries generally elapse after the death of a Hughes ? Xe made a very good speech. He always makes good speeches. He also Saint before he is enrolled amongst the beatified at Rome. writes good books. Is there a better book than Tom Brown ? If so, I shall be obliged “Call no man happy until long after his death” appears to to you to nominate it. Looking sulky, are you, because I don't immediately come to be the papal maxim as touching beatification, Macgregor and the rest? I never write for sulky people. at school we sang, JIMMEY'S To the foregoing announcement is added the suggestion in the sulks, Send him to the hulks. “Well, but seriously, " Serious before the Derby ? that little difficulty, will probably occur in proving the one You are an Antinomianism, Anacreontism, what is it?--help us, PISISTRATUS CAXTON or two miracles which are de rigueur in all cases of the --yes, an Anachronism. After the Derby is the time to look serious; that is, if you kind in question. One alone, we should think, will sufmean to pay your losses. "LAURA, LAURA, FREDERICK's come,”—I needn't parody, fice in the case of COLUMBUS, and the discovery of Amebut I mean “Wait till you 're diddled, my dear.”
rica had the great advantage of being a fact. “You won't be diddled if I tell you what horse will win ?" Don't know that. Some fellows can't help losing, especially if they think they know how to make a book. Isn't it in Coningsby the friend looks over his friend's book, and says that whatever event in the world happens he must lose £500. Have you read Coningsby? You are not sure.
Tufts Tailing Off ! Then you must be a muff, and a prophecy will not be of the least use to you, any more ONLY seven fellow-commoners have been matriculated than Sunday to the man who looked nine ways for it when he sat up after being knocked for 1869–70, to 530 pensioners. It is a comfort to think down. "Try you ?" I hate throwing away labour. I hate labour also. An open foe there is at least, one race which is not in vogue at the may prove a kuss, But a pretended friend is wus. You don't see the connection? I'Varsity-the race of fellow-commoners !" They will said you were a muff; I now begin to suspect you of being a duffer.
soon be “fellow-uncommoners. The sooner the better. But the horses, the horses !" You are a beggar that wants to be set on horseback, Here's to the last “tuft,” and may he end by being and nothing will do for you, you beggar, but the winner of the Derby. “Ask for a gold plucked, as "tufts” should be ! coat,” says you, “and you may get a gold button." Don't come bothering me with your proverbs. A man whose life is guided by proverbs will certainly come to the bad. "Did you ever read Sancho, or the Proverbialist, by the late Rev. 'J. W. CUNNINGHAM, of WHEN UNMARRIED LADIES GET VOTES, What will Harrow? It is a book of the last generation, and exceeding clever. Sancho was sent their rule be but Miss-rule ?
WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY I" Cook. “ PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING -" Mistress (surprised). “ WHY, WHAT'S THE MATT ?” Cook. “ THE FACT IS, Mom, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED I" Mistress. “Way, Cook, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED !"
Cook. “ WAICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, Mom I”.
Oh, HARDY and NEWDY, oh, MOWBRAY and WALPOLE !
See, a couple of hats each set up on a tall pole(4 propos of the University Tests Bill.)
Both from heads that by rights should be lopped by a cleaver
And neither the orthodox Clerical beaverOH, WALPOLE the weeper and HARDY the heady,
One's the papal tiara, with cross-keys upon 'it,
The other's John Knox's Genèvan blue-bonnet.
'Twixt Dissenters on one side, the Pope on the other, Proving Oxford and Cambridge with tests must go down,
And HUXLEY, who Faith under Science would smother'; And the College Palladium a clerical gown!
With her tests torn away, and her orders made delible,
Sequestrations unlawful, and livings not sellable ; Oh, WALPOLE and HARDY, and MOWBRAY, and NewDY!
Her King Storks thrust on one side, to raise her King Logs, Till Punch as a power's superseded by JUDY,
The old Church of England is gone to the dogs !
Newgate and Epsom.
Among the horses entered for the Derby there is one named Recorder, Oh, MOWBRAY and NEWDY, and WALPOLE and HARDY!
and another Kingcraft. But, for fear of bad luck, Kingcraft might have Once Oxford and Cambridge were" deux filles bien gardées !”. With chevaux de frise of test-oath and test-article,
been more sensationally named Calcraft. Then he might have been
ridden with a halter, and have run close upon Recorder.
A Privilege and a Bore.
THERE certainly will be no turn-out on the road to Epsom anything " Nunc diruta templa, eversa delubra!”
like that by which MR. CRAUFURD, through insisting that he saw Test-oaths are dissolved in Dissent's aqua fortis,
strangers in the Gallery, distinguished himself last Tuesday night in And Articles all in articulo mortis ;
the House of Commons. Till Church loaves and fishes Dissenters assail, And their rade hands are laid on the Fellowship pale !
HORSE AND HEATHER, • MR. NEWDEGATE, a remarkably hard man to drive.
“My foot is on my native heath, and my name is MACGREGOR." + See MR. LOVE JONES PARRY's letter published in Wednesday's Times on The thought of that might have affected the odds at Newmarket. So the power of clerical influence over ladies' politics.
it may at Epsom, downy as Epsom is.