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Aunt Virginia. “Good Gracious, GIRLS, I DECLARE I'M QUITE AFRAID TO GET OUT ! LOOK AT THE CABMAN! HE'S GOT
MISTLETOE IN HIS HAT !!”
ROME'S UPS AND DOWNS. (As Sung before a Select Committee of the Ecumenical Council.)
WHEN Europe was dark, O then and O then,
The Church was at ease,
Men obeyed its decrees,
Men opened the Book,
And thereinto did look,
The Earth to be flat,
Heaven's vault above that,
Did prove the Earth spun
Around the fixed Sun
The Church had the might
To make wrong owned for right,
When LUTHER arose, O then and Othen!
Our dominion he split,
And lopped off a great bit,
Alive heretics fried
Who our dogmas denied,
We were forced by the State
To be subordinate;
In this day of reverse,
Modern science let's curse;. And you 'll see how the world will go then, and O then! You 'll see how the world will go then.
Vive Leap-Frog ! So the amiable young DUKE OF Genoa is not to be afflicted with the Crown of Spain. Punch congratulates him. Much better to be a Frog at Harrow in England than a toad under a Harrow in Spain.
TOBACCO-STOPPERS.-Men who Stay to Smoke.
A PRIVATE Box.-A Sentry Box.
Printed by Joseph Smith, nf No. 24. Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard
Btreet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. --SATURDAY, January 15, 1870.
THE FALL OF HAUSMANN.
(Sung to the Tower Hamlets.)
A YRTON for ever!” will ratepayers cry.
Hard Times. RETRENCHMENT is the order of the day. Many families at the West End are practising the most rigid economy. One lady has decided on putting down her canary birds ; and a gentleman well known in the circles of fashion will reduce his weekly allowance of a penny to the crossingsweeper in the Square to a halfpenny.
R. N. If you are present at the wedding breakfast of a Naval friend, take the opportunity of congratulating him, in the course of your neat speech, on the Sailor's Knot being tied.
PRINCE PETER goes to the Conciergerie, and surrenders himself, in THE AFFAIR-PETER.
anticipation of the course of the EMPEROR and the new Minister of
Justice, who, independently, order bis arrest. He asks for a common A SACRED Mission,” according to M. DE ROCHEFORT, in the jury, but, as a member of the EMPEROR's family, has to be tried by the French Chamber, was the business on which M. VICTOR Noir, aliàs High Court of Justice. SALOMON, visited PRINCE PETER BONAPARTE, the result being homi- DE ROCHEFORT rages in the Chamber, talks of the Borgias, of cide, if not murder.
Sacred Missions, and impugns the character of the High
Court. Let us overhaul this story, and put it into English, not French. We He is sternly rebuked by M. OLLIVIER. His journal for evious are a law-abiding sort, and don't know much about sacred Missions. sedition is seized, and he is to be prosecuted.
Corsican journal, La Revanche, assails EMPEROR NAPOLEON and his His journal, the day after the killing of Noir, is devoted solely to family with brutal scurrility.
brutal abuse of the NAPOLEONS. Cousin PETER NAPOLEON (son of LUCIEN) makes furious reprisals M. Noir is buried, a great mob attending. De ROCHEFORT alterin Corsican journal, L'Avenir.
pately rages and faints, and finally, trying to head a procession, is Paris journal, Marsellaise (DE ROCHEFORT's), in ruffianly manner informed by an officer that, if he persists, he will be the first man cut attacks PRINCE PETER.
down. He goes home. PRINCE PETER writes to De ROCHEFORT, inviting him to kill or be Mob, but not a large one, in Paris. Tradesmen come out with killed.
sticks, and threaten rioters. They go home, having stabbed a policeman. DE ROCHEFORT has been ordered by his constituents not to fight. Such is the story of the Sacred Mission, up to Mr. Punch's present
PASCHAL-GREUSSET, somehow connected with Corsican La Re- date of writing. It suggests Apes and Dead Sea Apples, insolence,
An Article not Headed.
“PARIS, Jan. 7.-Yesterday Count DARU, the new Minister of Foreign loaded revolver. PRINCE PETER has a loaded revolver in his pocket.
We are very grieved to hear it, and sincerely sympathise with the There is a stormy interview.. PRINCE PETER will fight De ROCHE-bereaved embassies. A sad beginning this of the new Minister's FORT, but not his workmen.” Has something pleasant to say about official career, and one not calculated to preserve friendly relations carrion-mongers."
with Foreign countries. How can Count DARU declare, as is asserted, Somebody strikes somebody. Only two men are alive who know the that France will continue to abstain from interfering in the domestic truth, and each says that the other lies.
affairs of other countries, when he thus materially interferes with The Prince fires his pistol, and kills Victor Noir.
the personal comfort of their recognised Representatives ? Diplomatists FONVIELLE tries to fire at the Prince, but does not seem to know (occasionally even our own) have before now lost their heads, but then how. The Prince fires at him, perhaps twice, and FONVIELLE goes it was their own doing, and not the act of those to whom they were away.
Flashes of Bright Light.
The report of the Birmingham meeting with BRIGHT'S
speech, containing nine thousand and six words was Fond Mother (finishing up a little bit of advice). “AND BE SURE, EDWIN, WHAT- wired” to London by 12 30 P.M. the same night. EVER YOU DO, NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO TRIFLE WITH ANY YOUNG LADY'S “Wonderful Telegraph feat,” say the Journals. “WonderAFFECTIONS.
ful Telegraph hands!” says Punch.
IMPORTANT CABINET REVELATION.
10. The Parsons will be sent to China, by arrangement with the
Brother of the Moon. As the PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE declined to reveal the 11. At the end of the Five Years, a number of the Australian secrets of the Cabinet in regard to the Irish Land Bill, Mr. Punch, sojourners, sufficient to cultivate the island on rational principles, will feeling that the nation must not be kept in suspense any longer, has be selected in the fairest manner, by lot, brought home, and placed on obtained French leave to publish an outline of the measure about to be the improved farms. They will pay a proper rent, to be collected by proposed. It is of a very general and comprehensive kind. The details the Government. may be revised, but the main points are as follows:
12. When this settlement shall have taken place, a Competitive 1. The name of Ireland is to be abolished, and that island is to be Examination of Landlords will be held ; and to such as seem qualified called in future Sisterland.
to form a desirable Upper Class, residences in Sisterland will be 2. The Brogue is to be forbidden, except in the case of very pretty allotted, with a Goverament allowance, subject to conditions of young Irish girls, who are to obtain a licence from Mr. Punch to use behaviour. it, on payment of certain fees.
13. The cities will be cleansed, drained, and improved, and all 3. The Blarney Stone is to be publicly smashed, to signify the end beggars will be sent to the Red River. of the reign of humbug.
14. No Journal will appear, except licensed by Mr. Punch. 4. Oranges (except at dessert) and Ribbons, (except for ladies) are 15. An English Princess will be created Vice-Queen of Sisterland, to be for ever excluded from Sisterland.
will constantly reside in the island, and hold Courts in each of the four 5. All Fenians are to be handed to our ally, the EMPEROR OF Russia, provinces. who, for a consideration, undertakes to instruct them in mining, for an 16. Mr. Punch will be Dictator-General, with absolute power of life, indefinite period.
death, and dinner-parties. 6. All other cultivators of the soil are to be removed, in great comfort, in Her Majesty's ships, to Australia, where farm buildings and land will be provided for them, and where they will remain for a period
PICKLES! not exceeding (unless they wish it) Five Years. They will be taught high-farming during this time.
At an education meeting the other day a MR. PICKLES, an engineer, 7. The whole of the Irish Landlords will be sent to Scotland, where illustrated his acquaintance with the subject by stating that "the the Dukes have undertaken to provide them with residences, and students at Harrow, for instance, have to pay fees for cock-fighting where they will learn economical habits, and their duties towards their and fisticuffs.” PICKLES is quite right. There is also a bear kept by dependents.
the head-master, to be baited on Sunday afternoons, the dogs must be 8. Sisterland being thus cleared, Scientific Companies, composed bona fide the property of boys: the under-masters are bound to keep of skilful farmers, will survey the lands, and contracts will be taken ducks, which are hunted on a pond every Wednesday : cocks are for putting them into proper cultivation, with all the improvements. thrown at by the younger lads : and there is a greased Maypole erected This process to last for Years.
once a week, to be climbed by the higher forms. It is delightful to 9. The Priests will be sent to Rome, by arrangement with the Holy think how the good cause of education must prosper, when those who Chair,
take it in hand are so well informed as is MR. PICKLES.
5. CHARLES JEAN FILLION, Bishop of Mans. ROME AND RAMSBOTHAM.
Well, if MLLE. Lucca has an Archbishop to herself, 'tis but fair that
the other sex should at least get a Bishop.* Only put it down with due [MRS. RAMSBOTHAM, Junior, writing from Rome during the present regard to topography: “Men," not “Mans.”
“Economical Consul,” as she calls it, gives us the following infor- 6. CHARLES MACCHI, Bishop of Reggio di Emilia. mation.]
Bishop of another young lady. Don't know her. Is Macchi a
mistake? Do you think they mean CHARLES MATHEWS, or, perhaps, DEAR MR. PUNCH,
CHARLES Mackay, who wrote those charming ballets ? I HAVE ascertained a great many things about the Roman Candlestick rights and cemeteries, which other Co-respondents of the The Fathers of the Consul are just now occupied with the Ladies' daily papers are unable to get hold of.
Indentures, * issued by the Pope giving all the preserved cases of exeMy poor dear Mother, when alive, used to tell me how “the POPE crations and ablutions, and also they are engaged in disgusting the lived in a Vacuum;" and she was quite right, for the Palace so-called is questions contained in the Syllabub. still here, and PIOUS THE NINTH (or MASTER FRETTY, as his real name We are now going to drive in the Torso and up the Pinch'em. More is) decides in it.
in due time.
From yours ever, Talking of rights and cemeteries, there are some very peculiar. For
LAVINIA R. JUNIOR. instance, once a year the good POPE says mass in the Cistern. I wonder he's so well, considering his age, and the dampness of such a place. P.S. The weather-prophets say we're going to have a very bad time The Cistern, it is true, is fitted up as a chapel, and painted and of it in Rome; but I don't trust much to their vaccinations. Give me decorated;
but I recollect well enough what our cistern was for a long Old Moore and Zamiel for safety. I hope it's not true that Zamiel is time after it had been cleaned out, a nasty, mucky, damp, dirty place no more. I should miss his work in the new year. as you wouldn't let a cat sleep in, let alone a Human Being saying
* Perhaps our esteemed Correspondent alludes to the Late Sententie.-ED. Mass,
An Imminent Dilátory of the Roman Church tells me that it is one of Pope's Priliveges, and likewise of some cannons too (though what
THE CABMAN OF THE FUTURE. cannons_have to do with it, unless it's something to do with the Temple Power that they talk off , not the Spirituous, which is different
THANKS to the Dew Cab Act, we are to see, if we live long enough, altogether) as I was saying, it's the prilivege of the Pope and
some some improvement in our cabs; and it is actually within the bounds of others to say Mass
in their Night-Caps. But Lor! what a prilivege! possibility that we may discover some improvement in their drivers. I wouldn't say anything to anybody in mine. I have been here from Who can tell what changes may be wrought both in their manners and the first, which is from the eighth of December last.
demeanour, now that they are allowed by law to charge just what they Oh! The antipathies of the place! Wonderful!! all old, every
bit please if they do but hoist a flag to tell us what they do please ; and of it
. And talk of Underground Railways in London !! Ah, you now that they no longer groan beneath the tyranny of vexatious legisshould see the Roman Currycombs made by the earliest Christian lation ? Marthas, who used to meet between 2 and 3 A.M. to sing hymns for
May we not expect to find them civil
, cleanly, courteous, and even fear of prosecution.
conscientious ? Instead of growling out “Wot's this !” when they Mr. Rossy is the Great Antipathy
here. I think it's the same that are paid their proper fare, may they not be found to receive it with a invented that large telescope in Ireland somewhere.
bow and a few graceful words expressive of their respectful gratitude ? My attention is always being drawn off by some friend to the monu- or if they conceive themselves entitled to more than has been offered ments of ancient Rome. Why call them monuments, when they're them, may they
not remonstrate with
such elegant persuasiveness that not a bit like ours in the City ? But that's the worst of imitations. nobody will have the heart to turn a deaf ear to their pleading ? Our Monument at home, by the way, was built by Roman Candlesticks, Cabs have hitherto been commonly mere vehicles of abuse. Let us in remembrance of the Fire of London, wasn't it? Or am I confusing hope the Cab Reform Bill, which was passed last Session may lead to that with the Tower?
a reforming of the language of the cabmen. But, there, I'm wandering from my point.
They won't be able to call the Roman Bishops a lot of old women' in future, because it's well known that a lot of old women can't keep
BALL PRACTICE. secrets and these do. You can't get anything out of 'em.
Oh! it is a grand sight to see all the Carnavals in purple, the “STUPID things, these country dances," observed the brilliant Bishops, the Petrarchs, and the gorgeous Larkymantrites of the East CAPTAIN ASTERISK to his partner during a Sir Roger de Coverley. walking in profession. The only report about is, that some people “I'm sorry to see that you can blow hot and cold at the same don't think the Great Doctor will be put forward this time, and some time,” replied, archly, the fascinating Miss STARRS. people do. The Great Doctor is, of course, as you know, intended to “How so? inquired the gallant dragoon, smiling. declare that the Pope is Invaluable.
“Because," returned the witty heiress, pointing her sparkling epigram There are two great and celebrated Churches in Rome. One is the by a dart of her costly fan between the light-hearted soldier's fifth and Sir Peter's, and the other, for distinction, is the Other'un, or to speak sixth rib, “because I see that while you are abusing the dance you are correctly, the Latter'un; but I am given to understand that this title also standing up for it.' is only used when you speak of Sir Peter's as the Former'un.
The dashing militaire was at this moment summoned to join in The new year was bushed in by the Cannons of SIR ANGELO, not the "hands across. same as those I mentioned before, they were men, these are distillery, *** Under the head of Ball Practice I propose from time to time to I recollect a MR. ANGELO, who used to teach my brothers fencing, and suggest "good things to say" at dances, to Partners, &c., &c. Consingle sticks and other sticks ; perhaps it's the same gentleman knighted sidering the ordinary difficulties of conversation under these
circumand got Cannons. Lucky man to get was some years ago in the neighbourhood of Edgware, and belonged to stances, such a Handy Volume will be, I am sure, most welcome. a nobleman, who has now departed this life and every other.
PATENT Boots. They don't know much about spelling here. Look at this, copied from a list of a Commission. You'll also observe some queer things about these “ Commissionaires” of the Roman Candlestick persua
Linguistic. sion :
It is a mistake to suppose that Ireland has any national language, 1. INNOCENT SANNIBALI, Bishop of Gubbio.
like Wales, for example: it is merely a pat-ois that some of the inha
bitants speak. I thought Gubbins bad enough for a name, and I don't like my own; but " GUBBIO!” goodness! he must be an Innocent. The next is evidently a Scotch gymnastic, only I never saw Toddy” spelt like that before ; but, there! the hash the foreigners do make of our lan- OUR Police Force, it has been observed, is deficient in height. The guage!
reason is plain. Tall policemen are discouraged, because they might 2. JOHN ROSATI, Bishop of Todi.
look over things. 3. JULIO ARRIGONI, Archbishop of Lucca. I always said that I thought MLLE. LUCCA was a very good person,
ETHNOLOGICAL and I am not sorry to see she has an Archbishop all to herself. I've
THE negro possesses one advantage over the white man-he can heard of a Private Chilblain before this, but never of a Private Archbishop. To continue :
more effectually conceal a black eye. 4. PANTALEON MONSERRAT OF NAVARRO, Bishop of Barcelona. Looks like Pantomime time, doesn't it, and Barcelona is where the nuts come from.
Parturit Mus, nascuntur Montes : ROCHEFORT producing a Revolution!
FROM SCOTLAND YARD.
OLD SAW UPSIDE
last lesson and best, you have learned and you teach
That, let Governments do what they can,
That to level of brute lowers man.
What a place in our annals were thine !
And the Cross, from our Shame, grown our Sign!
BRIGHT STILL BRIGHTER. BRAVO, JOHN BRIGHT, Bravo once and again!
You were always a trump in your wayFor all the hard knocks that from Punch
have ta’en, Your Bobadil bounce and your Drawcansir strain, That set down all for fools who were not in the vein To see with your eyes what to you was quite plain, And drove you to charge your opponents a-main,
Or a-muck, like a Quaker Malay! What you lacked was awhile the cold douche to enjoy,
That on high-heated hopes Office throws :
To make hindrances helps, friends of foes.
From your Birmingham speech, my dear John;
But oft points us the right course to con.
For which lessons you've Office to thank-
And that all rogues and fools aren't of rank.
AN AWFUL HIDING. In the Council at Rome the other day, MONSIGNOR STROSSMEYER, Bishop of Bosnia, delivered a violent invective against the Jesuits, which FATHER Becz, the Jesuit General, sat under and listened to, smiling. The Pall Mall tells us :
"What would you?'' he afterwards said to a high personage. MonSIGNOR STROSSMEYER is in the right. Nobody deplores more than myself the excesses of the Civiltà Cattolica. I knew its intemperate language would draw hatred on our Order, which desires to live in peace with all the world ; and I commanded its writers to refrain from giving such offence; but they were urged on by a superior will to mine, and instead of being able to impose silence on them, I was ordered to be silent myself.'
The smile with which FATHER BEcz heard the Jesuits abused is quite intelligible. He did not feel the lash of BISHOP STROSSMEYER. But somebody else, perhaps, did. And surely it was very unultramontane, if not impious, of FATHER Becz to smile. For in fact was not STROSSMEYER flogging the POPE over Becz's shoulders ?