Aunt Virginia. “Good Gracious, GIRLS, I DECLARE I'M QUITE AFRAID TO GET OUT ! LOOK AT THE CABMAN! HE'S GOT MISTLETOE IN HIS HAT !!” ROME'S UPS AND DOWNS. (As Sung before a Select Committee of the Ecumenical Council.) WHEN Europe was dark, O then and 0 then, The Church was at ease, Men obeyed its decrees, Men opened the Book, And thereinto did look, The Earth to be flat, Heaven's vault above that, Did prove the Earth spun Around the fixed Sun The Church had the might To make wrong owned for right, When LUTHER arose, O then and 0 then! Our dominion he split, And lopped off a great bit, Alive heretics fried Who our dogmas denied, We were forced by the State To be subordinate ; In this day of reverse, Modern science let's curse; And you 'll see how the world will go then, and O then! You 'll see how the world will go then. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24. Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATERDAT, January 16, 1870. Flashes of Bright Light. The report of the Birmingham meeting with BRIGHT's speech, containing nine thousand and six words was Pond Mother (finishing up a little bit of advice).“ AND BE SURE, EDWIN, WHAT- wired” to London by 12 30 P.M. the same night. EVER YOU DO, NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO TRIFLE WITH ANY YOUNG LADY's "Wonderful Telegraph feat,” say the Journals. “WonderAFFECTIONS.” ful Telegraph hands!” says Punch. IMPORTANT CABINET REVELATION. 10. The Parsons will be sent to China, by arrangement with the Brother of the Moon. As the PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE declined to reveal the 11. At the end of the Five Years, a number of the Australian secrets of the Cabinet in regard to the Irish Land Bill, Mr. Punch, sojourners, sufficient to cultivate the island on rational principles, will feeling that the nation must not be kept in suspense any longer, has be selected in the fairest manner, by lot, brought home, and placed on obtained French leave to publish an outline of the measure about to be the improved farms. They will pay a proper rent, to be collected by proposed. It is of a very general and comprehensive kind. The details the Government. may be revised, but the main points are as follows: 12. When this settlement shall have taken place, a Competitive 1. The name of Ireland is to be abolished, and that island is to be Examination of Landlords will be held ; and to such as seem qualified called in future Sisterland. to form a desirable Upper Class, residences in Sisterland will be 2. The Brogue is to be forbidden, except in the case of very pretty allotted, with a Goverament allowance, subject to conditions of young Irish girls, who are to obtain a licence from Mr. Punch to use behaviour. it, on payment of certain fees. 13. The cities will be cleansed, drained, and improved, and all 3. The Blarney Stone is to be publicly smashed, to signify the end beggars will be sent to the Red River. of the reign of humbug. 14. No Journal will appear, except licensed by Mr. Punch. 4. Oranges (except at dessert) and Ribbons, (except for ladies) are 15. An English Princess will be created Vice-Queen of Sisterland, to be for ever excluded from Sisterland. 5. All Fenians are to be handed to our ally, the EMPEROR OF Russia, provinces. will constantly reside in the island, and hold Courts in each of the four who, for a consideration, undertakes to instruct them in mining, for an indefinite period. 16. Mr. Punch will be Dictator-General, with absolute power of life, death, and dinner-parties. 6. All other cultivators of the soil are to be removed, in great com. fort, in Her Majesty's ships, to Australia, where farm buildings and land will be provided for them, and where they will remain for a period PICKLES! not exceeding (unless they wish it) Five Years. They will be taught high-farming during this time. At an education meeting the other day a Mr. Pickles, an engineer, 7. The whole of the Irish Landlords will be sent to Scotland, where illustrated his acquaintance with the subject by stating that “the the Dukes have undertaken to provide them with residences, and students at Harrow, for instance, have to pay fees for cock-fighting where they will learn economical habits, and their duties towards their and fisticuffs.” PICKLES is quite right. There is also a bear kept by dependents. the head-master, to be baited on Sunday afternoons, the dogs must be 8. Sisterland being thus cleared, Scientific Companies, composed bona fide the property of boys : the under-masters are bound to keep of skilful farmers, will survey the lands, and contracts will be taken ducks, which are hunted on a pond every Wednesday : cocks are for putting them into proper cultivation, with all the improvements. thrown at by the younger lads : and there is a greased Maypole erected This process to last for Five Years. once a week, to be climbed by the higher forms. It is delightful to 9. The Priests will be sent to Rome, by arrangement with the Holy think how the good cause of education must prosper, when those who Chair. take it in hand are so well informed as is MR. PICKLES. a JANUARY 22, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5. CHARLES JEAN FILLION, Bishop of Mans. ROME AND RAMSBOTHAM, Well, if MLLE. Lucca has an Archbishop to herself, 'tis but fair that the other sex should at least get a Bishop. Only put it down with due [Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, Junior, writing from Rome during the present regard to topography: “ Men,” not Mans.” “ Economical Consul,” as she calls it, gives us the following infor- 6. CHARLES Macchi, Bishop of Reggio di Emilia. mation.] Bishop of another young lady. Don't know her. Is Macchi a mistake? Do you think they mean CHARLES MATHEWS, or, perhaps, DEAR MR. PUNCH, CHARLES MACKAY, who wrote those charming ballets ? Indentures, * issued by the Pope giving all the preserved cases of exe- in due time. is) decides in it. From yours ever, Talking of rights and cemeteries, there are some very peculiar. For LAVINIA R. JUNIOR. instance, once a year the good POPE says mass in the Cistern. I wonder he's so well, considering his age, and the dampness of such a place. P.S. The weather-prophets say we're going to have a very bad time The Cistern, it is true, is fitted up as a chapel, and painted and of it in Rome; but I don't trust much to their vaccinations. Give me decorated ; but I recollect well enough what our cistern was for a long Old Moore and Zamiel for safety. I hope it's not true that Zamiel is time after it had been cleaned out, a nasty, mucky, damp, dirty place no more. I should miss his work in the new year. as you wouldn't let a cat sleep in, let alone a Human Being saying * Perhaps our esteemed Correspondent alludes to the Late Sententia.-ED. Mass, An Imminent Dilátory of the Roman Church tells me that it is one of Pope's Priliveges, and likewise of some cannons too (though what cannons have to do with it, unless it's something to do with the THE CABMAN OF THE FUTURE. Temple Power that they talk off, not the Spirituous, which is different Thanks to the new Cab Act, we are to see, if we live long enough, altogether) as I was saying, it's the prilivege of the Pope and some some improvement in our cabs ; and it is actually within the bounds of others to say Mass in their Night-Caps. But Lor! what a prilivege! possibility that we may discover some improvement in their drivers. I wouldn't say anything to anybody in mine. I have been here from Who can tell what changes may be wrought both in their manners and the first, which is from the eighth of December last. Oh! 'The antipathies of the place ! Wonderful!! all old, every bit please, if they do but hoist a flag to tell us what they do please : and demeanour, now that they are allowed by law to charge just what they of it. And talk of Underground Railways in London !! Ab, you now that they no longer groan beneath the tyranny of vexatious legisshould see the Roman Currycombs made by the earliest Christian lation ? Marthas, who used to meet between 2 and 3 A. M. to sing hymns for May we not expect to find them civil , cleanly, courteous, and even fear of prosecution. conscientious ? Instead of growling out“ Wot's this !" when they MR. Rossy is the Great Antipathy here. I think it's the same that are paid their proper fare, may they not be found to receive it with a invented that large telescope in Ireland somewhere. bow and a few graceful words expressive of their respectful gratitude ? My attention is always being drawn off by some friend to the monu- or if they conceive themselves entitled to more than has been offered ments of ancient Rome. Why call them monuments, when they're them, may they not remonstrate with such elegant persuasiveness that not a bit like ours in the City? But that's the worst of imitations. nobody will have the heart to turn a deaf ear to their pleading ? Our Monument at home, by the way, was built by Roman Candlesticks, Cabs have hitherto been commonly mere vehicles of abuse. Let us in remembrance of the Fire of London, wasn't it? Or am I confusing hope the Cab Reform Bill, which was passed last Session may lead to that with the Tower? a reforming of the language of the cabmen. But, there, I'm wandering from my point. They won't be able to call the Roman Bishops “a lot of old women" in future, because it's well known that a lot of old women can't keep BALL PRACTICE. secrets and these do. You can't get anything out of 'em. Oh! it is a grand sight to see all the Carnavals in purple, the “STUPID things, these country dances," observed the brilliant Bishops, the Petrarchs, and the gorgeous Larkymantrites of the East CAPTAIN ASTERISK to his partner during a Sir Roger de Coverley. walking in profession. The only report about is, that some people "I'm sorry to see that you can blow hot and cold at the same don't think the Great Doctor will be put forward this time, and some time," replied, archly, the fascinating Miss STARRS. people do. The Great Doctor is, of course, as you know, intended to How so?" inquired the gallant dragoon, smiling. declare that the Pope is Invaluable. “Because," returned the witty heiress, pointing her sparkling epigram There are two great and celebrated Churches in Rome. One is the by a dart of her costly fan between the light-hearted soldier's fifth and Sir Peter's, and the other, for distinction, is the Other'un, or to speak sixth rib, “because I see that while you are abusing the dance you are correctly, the Latter’un; but I am given to understand that this title also standing up for it.” is only used when you speak of Sir Peter's as the Former'un. The dashing militaire was at this moment summoned to join in The new year was hushed in by the Capnons of SIR ANGELO, not the "hands across. same as those I mentioned before, they were men, these are distillery, *** Under the head of Ball Practice I propose from time to time to I recollect a MR. ANGELO, who used to teach my brothers fencing, and single sticks and other sticks ; perhaps it's the same gentleman knighted suggest " good things to say." at dances, to Partners, &c., &c. Conand got Cannons. Lucky man to get “Cannons; a lovely park it sidering the ordinary difficulties of conversation under these circumwas some years ago in the neighbourhood of Edgware, and belonged to stances , such a Handy Volume will be, I am sure, most welcome. a nobleman, who has now departed this life and every other. Yours brilliantly, PATENT Boots. They don't know much about spelling here. Look at this, copied from a list of a Commission. You'll also observe some queer things about these “Commissionaires ” of the Roman Candlestick persua Linguistic. sion : It is a mistake to suppose that Ireland has any national language, 1. INNOCENT SANNIBALI, Bishop of Gubbio. like Wales, for example: it is merely a pat-ois that some of the inha bitants speak. I thought Gubbins bad enough for a name, and I don't like my own; but GUBBIO!” goodness! he must be an Innocent. The next is evidently a Scotch gymnastic, only I never saw Toddy” spelt like that before; but, there! the hash the foreigners do make of our lan- OUR Police Force, it has been observed, is deficient in height. The reason is plain. Tall policemen are discouraged, because they might 2. John Rosati, Bishop of Todi. look over things. 3. JULIO ARRIGONI, Archbishop of Lucca. I always said that I thought MLLE. Lucca was a very good person, ETHNOLOGICAL. and I am not sorry to see she has an Archbishop all to herself. I've heard of a Private Chilblain before this, but never of a Private Arch- more effectually conceal a black eye. The negro possesses one advantage over the white man-he can bishop. To continue :4. PANTALEON MONSERRAT OP NAVARRO, Bishop of Barcelona. Looks like Pantomime time, doesn't it, and Barcelona is where the TURNING AN OLD SAW UPSIDE DOWN. nuts come from. , Parturit Mus, nascuntur Montes: ROCHEFORT producing a Revolution! FROM SCOTLAND YARD. guage ! THE NEW HACKNEY-CARRIAGE ACT. JOHN THOMAS AND THE COACAMAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR MIssus' BEING AT THE SOUTH KENSINGTON LECTURE. And, last lesson and best, you have learned and you teach That, let Governments do what they can, That to level of brute lowers man. What a place in our annals were thine! And the Cross, from our Shame, grown our Sign! BRIGHT STILL BRIGHTER. BRAVO, JOHN BRIGHT, Bravo once and again! You were always a trump in your wayFor all the hard knocks that from Punch you have ta’en, Your Bobadil bounce and your Drawcansir strain, That set down all for fools who were not in the vein To see with your eyes what to you was quite plain, And drove you to charge your opponents a-main, Or a-muck, like a Quaker Malay! What you lacked was awhile the cold douche to enjoy, That on high-heated hopes Office throws : To make hindrances helps, friends of foes. From your Birmingham speech, my dear John; But oft points us the right course to con. For which lessons you 've Office to thank- And that all rogues and fools aren't of rank. AN AWFUL HIDING. In the Council at Rome the other day, MONSIGNOR STROSSMEYER, Bishop of Bosnia, delivered a violent invective against the Jesuits, which FATHER Becz, the Jesuit General, sat under and listened to, smiling. The Pall Mall tells us : "What would you?' he afterwards said to a high personage. "MonSIGNOR STROSSMEYER is in the right. Nobody deplores more than myself the excesses of the Civiltà Cattolica. I knew its intemperate language would draw hatred on our Order, which desires to live in peace with all the world ; and I commanded its writers to refrain from giving such offence; but they were urged on by a superior will to mine, and instead of being able to impose silence on them, I was ordered to be silent myself.'” The smile with which FATHER Becz heard the Jesuits abused is quite intelligible. He did not feel the lash of BISHOP STROSSMEYER. But somebody else, perhaps, did. And surely it was very unultramontane, if not impious, of FATHER Becz to smile. For in fact was not STROSSMEYER flogging the POPE over Becz's shoulders ? |
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