« PreviousContinue »
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - JANUARY 15, 1870.
MAGNA CHARTA FOR FRANCE.
(A SECOND EDITION OF A GOOD OLD STORY.)
counterpane and more blankets. Look out “counterpane” and MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
blankets," before I go to sleep, in dictionary, so as to remember
them in the morning.
Can't find "counterpane." Das Betttuch is blanket.
Happy Thought.-Look out "coverlet" instead of counterpane." way of understanding you_before you speak-anticipatory style, pro- Got it-Oberdecke. Zimmermädchen," I will say, "Ich wünsche voking.
eine Oberdecke und zwei Betttuchs.” He enters with “ You ring ?” I reply that I did. He returns, “I Sleep on it-I mean sleep, on the phrase. thought so. You want some tea, some eggs, some coffee-what? No. I was going to have ordered tea, but I won't now, just to show times. Add to it. Bringen Sie mir. ("Bring me,” nothing more
Wake in the morning : rehearse the speech to myself two or three him that this is not the sort of thing to try with me. That I'm not simple: and it's wonderful how sleeping in a foreign town brings the one of his ordinary travelling Englishmen. I order, consequently, some language
out of you in the morning, like the sulphur waters do to the sherry and seltzer. “Sherry and seltzer," he repeats, anyting gout] – Bringen Sie mir heiss Wasser. Heiss” is “hot,” and else? No? No meat, no bread, no butter, nutting! No ”.
yesterday I thought by the sound it meant just the contrary. This sort of thing makes one very angry: it's a liberty. I answer
A'm I ready to converse with Zimmermädchen? Yes. Ring the bell. sternly, “No, nothing else.”
Rehearse again to myself quietly. Let me see, I've forgotten what Happy Thought.—"Yes, a biscuit.”. I order this, because he hasn't "blankets” was. Shan't have time to look it out before she comes, suggested biscuits. He replies, “Sherry, seltzer, biscuits, nutting and it looks so absurd to read to her from a book. else ? No? I bring you dem," and disappears. I say
“disappears, Enter the Zimmermädchen. She wishes me, in her own native because he is round the corner of the door and out on the landing tongue (I'll astonish her presently), “Good morning." I feel a little before I know he has gone. A pantomimic German.
nervous—why should I be nervous ? It's nonsense to be nervous. Open my desk and commence reviewing my papers. Waiter back By the way I want a bath, and I've forgotten to look it out. She has again. “Sherry, seltzer, biscuits, all you want? No?” I say, almost brought some heiss Wasser, so the words I knew best I have not got to savagely (for it is just as if I was being worried into ordering some- say. thing else, or hadn't ordered enough), "Open the bottle.” He echoes me again. "Open ? yes." He performs this quickly and Wasser. Try to assume a careless easy tone, as if talking German had
Happy Thought.-Begin the conversation by alluding to the heiss jerkily. “Zo. Put him in po Happy Thought.-To nod instead of replying, by way of checking don't pronounce the words nearly so well as at
been the amusement of my leisure hours for years. Odd, I feel that I
“Sie haben heiss Wasser," I say it boldly. She is as much astonished " Anyting else ?” he immediately asks. "No P nutting else? He has vanished, before I recollect. But I do want to ask him from the bed itself.
as Balaam was, I should imagine. It must come upon her like a voice something. Here, Garçon!”
She laughs and replies, ." heiss Wasser, ja.” Success : now for Happy Thought.- Kellner, not Garçon. "Kellner ! ”
number two. He is back again from the bottom of two flights of stairs, in less than "Oh, Zimmermädchen, I want”-failure. She stares—perhaps it five seconds. "You call, yes ? You want someting ? No?' strikes her that I'm a great linguist, and know so many languages that
Yes; I want to know if there is anything going on here to-night?” I'm mixing them up-perhaps it doesn't-"I mean "Ich wünsche eine He shrugs his shoulders, and smiles vaguely.
“Nix varm genouf?" she asks; at least, so it sounds, and I un· Yes, going on?
Yes,” he answers. His “Yes” is very prolonged; derstand it perfectly. Very like English, “Not warm enough ?” a thoughtful affirmative.
"Nein," I return in, this time, admirably grammatical German. “ What is it?"
Now all I want her to say is, " Yes, I'll bring your oberdecke,” and "Yes. Going on for day?” Then, after a moment's consideration, while she's gone I'll look out “ tepid bath” in the dictionary. But he decides upon telling the truth, which takes this form, “ I not know she commences a series of questions, or remarks, or both, founded what you say.
evidently upon the mistaken impression, which my starting so fluently Happy. Thought. — To put it thus, slowly, “Is-there-a-Concert, in her own native tongue bad given her, that I talk and understand any Music, or is the Theatre open ?",
Happy Thought.-Stick to " Yah, eine Oberdecke." cert. De Tayarter is for tree days open. Not dis night. De Band in She laughs (what at? I don't know) and goes away. Now then. de Elisa-garten in mornin play.”
Bad is bath; tepid is ... tepid is ... not down-what a dictionary! Happy Thought.- Very nice. Stroll there about eleven to-morrow. It will be worth while studying German here for the sake of my fellowRank and fashion.
countrymen who want dictionaries. Tepid is not in the conversationAsk the exact time of performance.
book. Kalt is cold, but I don't want a cold bath. * If you please “Seven hour,” he answers.
isn't in the conversation-book. Yet they seem a polite people. Perhaps “ Plays for seven hours !” I exclaim.
it wasn't a polite person who compiled this book. No! he laughs, and shakes his head as correcting his own mis- Happy Thought.-Ein Bad mit kalt und heiss Wasser. Kalt und take. Seven o'clock” (this very distinctly); “de Band play all heiss together must be tepid. mornins from seven to eight.”.
Re-enter Zimmermädchen, with such a coverlet! A bed in itselfWhat !!! Get up at six-thirty A.m. to go to a Concert at seven. a sort of balloon stuffed with feathers, which she plumps down on the
Do many people go to this Concert at seven P." I can't help bed. I can't explain that it is not at all the sort of thing I mean, because inquiring.
I don't know the German for the phrase, and I can't
keep her waiting All people here,” he replies. I am staggered. What time is the in the room while I find out the words in the dictionary. She says Theater Then, I wonder. P'raps at 4 A.M.
something about Das ist gut, so." And I reply (not to hurt her Suppers at ten in the morning, and fierce dissipation at mid-day. feelings) Yah, das ist goot.” (Yah should be spelt, I find, "Ja” That'll do. No, I don't want anything more.
-odd.) Decision at present. Not to go to the Concert in the Elisa-garten at Varm?”
she. seven to-morrow morning. Examine conversation-book in four lan- Very varm, I reply weakly, giving up my German and running guages, in order to address the Chambermaid to-morrow morning on into bad English. the subject of wasser, boots, clothes, and bath.
Then comes the Ein bad” request. She does understand me, and The Chambermaid, 'I find, (to begin with) is a Zimmermädchen. This brings it. is satisfactory.
Rise and go to breakfast with DYNGWELL. Happy Thought.—To arrange (before I go to sleep to-night) a con- Impressions of German language at first.-Not unlike broad Scotch if versation with the Zimmermädchen. I think Guten morgen is good talked by a nigger. Yah, yah,” just like the Christy Minstrels, is morning. Can't find it. Guten morgen, Zimmermädchen, will do very always coming in. nicely to begin with. Happy Thought.-Must also master the coinage. They took francs
Not an Unreasonable Wish. to-day in payment for my conversation-book. One thing at a time. Zimmermädchen at first. How travelling does enlarge our views. I
You often hear people speak of a cold “going through the house." little thought two weeks ago that I should be calling any one a Zim- Poor SCAMBLEBY, whose wife and family are all now laid up, and under mermädchen, and understanding what I meant by it. Also, mustn't the doctor's care, says he wishes their cold had gone through the house forget what I came for;, i.e., to call on the Doctor, to whom I have without stopping. an introduction, and ask him if I have got rheumatic gout latent anywhere. If so where, and what's to be done for it.
Is a landlord who allows his farms to be over-stocked with rabbits
With evenings long and mornings dasky,
And find my voice get very husky.
Who answered me in accents solemn,
Just try Browne's Bronchial'what-d’ye-call’em.” “But what's the name ? One couldn't go
To DIETRICHSEN's (the shop with columns)
A box of Bronchial 'What-d'ye-call’ems.'
The name BROWNE calls 'em, I confess;
It's T. R. O. C. H. E. S.
Who clearly thought me cutting jokes,
If he'd a box of Bronchial “trokes."
When I demanded Bronchial “trosh."
But doubt if anybody sees
Should take the name of light trochees.
(With whom I caught my cold at croquet),
At druggists' shops. She said, "Try Troky."
You're bound your customers to tell
T. R. O. C. H. E. does spell.
STATECRAFT.-Her Majesty's Ships of War.
“ As to St. Peter, it is true that he also had no army, but he possessed such ECUMENICAL ODDS AND ENDS.
power that, by one word from his mouth, he struck" dead calumniators and
revolutionists, as instanced in the case of ANANIAS and SAPPHIRA. But, THE Special Correspondent of the Times at Rome informs those unhappily, the successors of St. Peter are not endued with this supernatural whom it may concern that :
power, and therefore they are obliged to defend themselves by bayonets from
the attacks of impiety.” “ The Council, which has hitherto separated by 11, did not issue from the Hall this morning till a quarter to 1-a very unwonted trial, I am told, to the Unhappily? For the Roman Pontiff or the human race? Sappose physical endurance of most of the Fathers."
that papal fulminations had been exertions of power to wield real Does not this information particularly concern the British House thunder. In that case, doubtless, they would not have been bruta of Commons ? Might not Honourable and Right Honourable
Gen. fulmina, and the successors of St. Peter would never have needed to tlemen at St. Stephen's
advantageously take a lesson from Right go to the expense of an army. But when the Pope complains that he Reverend Fathers at St. Peter's? For the context of the above-quoted he mean to pronounce, infallibly, that power to have been unhappily
unhappily” has not the supernatural power of killing people, does passage shows that a quarter to one did not mean 12:45 A.M., but
withheld ? 12:45 P.M. To be sure Parliamentary debates are liable to be protracted, for one reason, because they are free ; but freedom of debate
The following paragraph also appeared in the Pall Mall :need not be abused.
“ A Roman Correspondent notes the exploit of two English “misses,' who, According to the same writer :
mounted on the benches above the kneeling multitude, surveyed with their
opera-glasses the Pope as he pronounced the benediction in the Council. The “ The Pope had commanded prayers for fine weather in all the churches. POPE, with a mild smile, pointed them out to some of the cardinals, but no Late in the afternoon there came word that the Tiber was in the streets."
alarming consequences have overtaken them." “But,” he observes farther on, the next day :
Of course not. It is easy to understand what the POPE's mild smile “Everything was bright and glorious in the morning sun.”
meant. No doubt his Holiness took the beautiful beings who pre
sented themselves to his enraptured vision for angels.
To Alms! To Alms!
STATISTS tell us that recruiting goes on more vigoroasly at Christ
mas than at any other season of the year, for then it is that our sym. Time does indeed work wonders more wonderful than those of pathies are most enlisted. Chassepôt rifles at Rome. Fancy ATHANASIUS with a cigar in his mouth-or CYPRIAN with a short pipe, which may have been preferred by the Yankee analogues of ATHANASIUS and CYPRIAN. Or imagine
AGGRAVATING. the Nicene Fathers continually tucking in sandwiches.
To just miss the train when you are going to dine with your most A letter in the Pall Mall Gazette gives the Pope's apology for his opulent and punctual Uncle, to have three-quarters of an hour to wait, army. Here is part of it:
and then to be asked whether you won't have your weight taken.
give me a needless shock. But I have the satisPESTERED BY POST.
faction of flinging them into the fire, and con
sidering that the sender has thrown away a PUNCH,- I wish there were stamp. some easy means of getting But, Sir, that is just what I am made to do anybody mesmerised so as to myself, through my servant, when she posts me acquire the temporary power circulars not knowing what they contain. Now, of clairvoyance.
could she be rendered clairvoyante, she would I am out of town, as usual then be enabled to distinguish between letters at this season of the year. of some consequence, and letters of none. It is As usual I have my letters true she would also become acquainted with forwarded to me, because I their contents. But clairvoyantes, when demeswant to keep myself posted merised, are said to forget everything that they up. As usual the post have experienced in their lucid state. brings me no end of cir- If advertisers of all kinds, and clergymen who culars.
apply for subscriptions, would only be so consiMy name happens to derate as to write on the back of their envelopes stand on a professional list “Circular," or "Appeal,” they would enable my accessible to all men. The servant to know what to do, and what not to do consequence of this is that they would assist her to light her fire, and would my letter-box is the daily save considerable expense to receptacle of circulars and
Yours, truly, prospectuses sent me by all
PILGARLICK. manner of cheap wine-merchants, coal-merchants, puff
P.S. " Ilka little maks a muckle," as DR. ing tradesmen of all descrip- CUMMING's countrymen say. I am not sure tions, joint-stock companies about the Scotch of that proverb, quoted from (limited), foreign lottery memory. But I am sure of the sense. offices, charitable institutions, and appeals, chiefly clerical, to the benevolent. A GOOD APPRENTICESHIP. Now, Sir, I have not
The Pall Mall Gazette, referring to the Liberal enough money wherewithal to buy things which I want;
party in the House of Lords, says :of course, therefore, I have “We hear that the EARL OF CORK and the DUKE too little for buying things of St. ALBAN's are to be the new Whips.” which I don't want, too Whether the Duke's experience as Hereditary little to risk, and none at all Grand Falconer (by the way, it is a vulgar error to give away. When I am at home, how- will be of service to him in his new office, it is
to suppose that his second title is LORD HAWKE)
ever, the receipt of all these impossible as yet to say; but there cannot be a communications is merely an annoyance of a certain nature. There was a time when it would doubt that in the EARL_OF CORK, the Master of have been an annoyance of another kind. With the postman's rap of other days, one the Buckbounds, the Lords ought to have a expected good news. Now one fears bad. Then, one would have been disappointed with a first-rate Whip. circular when one expected a Valentine. Now one never expects anything better than an invitation, worth accepting, to dine. The double rap no longer indeed raises expectations. But it creates alarm. "Somebody dead,” it suggests to me, “or something to pay." Circulars GAME FOR THE CHANNEL.—BeSíck.
the body of their State, and feebly imitate the strength of the British BEEFEATERS ABROAD.
Constitution. PHILOSOPHIC PUNCH,
With all the compliments of the season, and much good may they do HERE we are again, the idiotic clowns say—at that saddening you! believe me, yours respectfully,
JEREMIAH GROWLER. time of year, which cynics have sarcastically called the festive season. The Hermitage, Friday. Ugh! Low mentally I shudder at the roast beef and boiled turkey, the mince-pies and plum-puddings, on which I am condemed to dine for the next few weeks! Why cannot people take a leaf out of French
THE GREAT ANGLO-GALLIC AMALGAMATION cookery books, and vary the monotony of Christmas fare—and fowlwhereby the festive season to my mind is made hideous ? I declare I
COMPANY. think next Christmas, if I survive the present, I shall desert my wife and children, and go over to Paris to escape the beef and turkeys.
The following bit of news, we fear, is too good to be true :Even there, however, I perhaps may find them rampant, for my news
“A brilliant idea has been put forward by a Frenchman, who proposes to paper informs p.e that
unite England and France by filling up the British Channel with rubbish.” “Taken all in all, France may be no worse in point of cookery than
A brilliant idea, truly! But how can it be realised? And what is England or Germany, but it is hardly better. Amongst British travellers to become of France, supposing that this bright idea be really carried there are still a few enthusiasts who go into raptures over the fare provided at out? France is every day becoming more and more like England. the monster hotels and the more famous restaurants. But Frenchmen them- Frenchmen eat roast beef, keep bulldogs, and drink beer, and even selves are of a different opinion, and it is a significant fact that the restaurants aspire, some of them, to drive a four-in-hand. There are London fogs most popular with French barristers, journalists, artists, officers, and well-to- in Paris as thick as any
that we Londoners can boast about at home. do bachelors in general are precisely those where the dinner is of an English kind; that is, where cortege of solemn-looking joints is wheeled in at six (although they cannot
quite pronounce it), and where they bet upon
Our French friends have their Clubs, where they actually play whist o'clock and made to do duty as the staple article of the evening's dinner.”
their Derby as well as on our own. They even venture-some of If Frenchmen take to dining daily off the joint, perhaps they next them-to risk their lives and limbs in the deadly game of "cricketsmay copy us in limiting their Christmas fare to roast beef and boiled match," or in the dangerous "regates des rowing-botts.” In short, turkey, Pantomimes may also be transplanted to their stage, and France is well nigh England, even though the British Channel still when the clown makes the remark of “Ici nous sommes encore !” he may separates the countries, and, if this is to be filled up, there will really be greeted with a burst of hearty quasi-British merriment. The sight be no telling who are English and who French. Port wine and Magna of Frenchmen gravely-or gravy-ly, if you prefer it so-dining off the Charta will be paramount in Paris, and the Tuileries will receive the joint is one that may indeed provide food for reflection. It is generally name of “Liberty Hall.”. conceded that the dinner makes the man, and if Frenchmen leave off Who will start the Great Anglo-Gallic Amalgamation Company? dining upon light and airy kickshaws, and eat solid solemn-looking and If merely “rubbish" be required for filling up the Channel, both substantial food, we shall
soon cease to regard them as our lively neigh- French and English Parliaments might furnish a supply. bours. They will become as sensible, sedate, and snobbish as ourselves : and who knows but that Frenchmen, after dining à l'Anglaise off the joint, may not by their joint endeavours infuse some British blood into
The ARISTOCRAT'S PARADISE.-Qaality Court.