O YE FAIR! BE WARNED IN TIME!" PENA, PEDE CLAUDO (THAT IS, RETRIBUTION IN THE SHAPE OF A DEFORMED FOOT) WILL OVERTAKE YOU ALL WHO WEAR HIGH HEELS AND NARROW BOOTS; FOR SOON THE FEMALE TOOTSICUM IS TO BE WORN BARE AND OF ITS NATURAL SIZE, IN THE MANNER WE HAVE ENDEAVOURED TO DEPICT ABOVE. "And I will mention that a rude and sudden descent from the majestic and touching tones of our wonderful version to the thin, Frenchified, and squeaking sentences in modern use would be an irreparable shock to every Englishspeaking man who has drunk in the old and generous language almost with his mother's milk." Yes. Fancy the Authorised Version of the Old and New Testament re-written in the phraseology of advertising puffs. And it would be if, in so far as it was re-written, it were re-written in such phraseology as that of modern devotion; that, for example, wherein occasional services for thanksgiving and fasting days have of late years been usually composed. Fancy the sacred text, possibly befouled even with the word "reliable"! But then, there is no reason why mistranslations, here and there, in the Bible, should not be corrected in sound English. And surely all such mistranslations need to be corrected with every care. Take another text than that of Holy Writ; the next to it in value with most "English-speaking" men. No doubt the EARL OF SHAFTESBURY has read SHAKSPEARE at least BOWDLER'S Shakspeare. Although SHAKSPEARE's great works are plays, doubtless LORD SHAFTESBURY has at least read them. He knows that they contain disputed passages, doubtful words, and indubitable blunders. He never would dream of questioning the expediency of endeavouring to restore, as faithfully as possible, SHAKSPEARE's original text. He must be desirous of its restoration if he venerates SHAKSPEARE, and the more desirous the more he venerates him. May it please his Lordship, therefore, to consider whether his desire to get SHAKSPEARE'S text genuine would not be increased rather than lessened by the knowledge that interpolations and false readings, therein abounding, gave occasion to sceptics for questioning the authenticity of the divine WILLIAMS? But honour to the EARL OF SHAFTESBURY for his declaration on behalf of the good old "well of English undefiled," and against the vile modern sink of Frenchified and fine English undeodorised. Fancy SHAKSPEARE in fine English: Falstaff log. HENRY, I am no less astonished when I consider the localities in which you are accustomed to employ your leisure, than amazed in reflecting on the associates by whom you are surrounded. Because, whilst on the one hand it is undeniable that a familiar medicinal herb extends its growth with a rapidity proportionate to the pressure it receives from passing footsteps, it is on the other equally certain that juvenility, the greater the measure in which it is dissipated, the more speedily does it experience the effects of friction. THE IRISH 'TEMPEST." CALIBAN (RORY OF THE HILLS). "THIS ISLAND'S MINE, BY SYCORAX MY MOTHER, WHICH THOU TAK'ST FROM ME."-Shakspeare. clever girl, who, having to live somehow, would like to live single, or at any rate, having a soul of her own as well as a body, would hate to sell herself in the marriage-market, it would by no means debar such an one, matrimonially disposed, from matrimony. For what young medical man wanting a partner, could do better than choose a medical lady duly qualified (in every respect) for partnership? And, every non-medical man thinking to take a wife, would find his account in taking a doctress who would know better than by continually breaking the natural laws, to let herself in for everlasting headaches, faintings, hysterics, and other ailments, rendering herself a perpetual plague to a husband, and running him up doctor's bills. Finally, the father of a family of children, whose mamma was a medical gentlewoman, would enjoy the advantage, instead of suffering the expense, of having a doctor always in the house. That the Legislature will compel the Medical Council to grant a diploma to every lady who can satisfy their examiners is the hope of Yours truly, But medicine is not one of those rough ways for a female practitioner, except now and then when its path is the way across country; she having been called up at night. Women are no more unfitted to practise medicine than they are to practise music. True we have no female HANDELS, MOZARTS, and BEETHOVENS. Neither are we likely to have a female HARVEY, HUNTER, or ABERNETHY. Women do not originate things. But it is quite possible we may have a female SYDENHAM, or HALFORD, or even a female ASTLEY COOPER. The medical science, Mr. Punch, acquired by a lady-doctor here and there might prove a leaven which would leaven the whole lump so to speak, with apology for calling the fair sex a lump. And the lump sadly wants leavening. When it had got properly leavened there would soon be an end to advertisements of "corsets," cosmetics, and ways of being made beautiful for ever; also an end of low dresses in high life and high latitudes. The death-rate from bronchitis and consumption would largely decrease. There would likewise be an end of Daffy and Dalby, and all manner of domestic quackery in those upper regions where future men and women make the noises which pious ENEAS heard, the first thing, in the lower. Moreover, we should hear much less of those noises. And mark. Whilst the medical profession would be a resource for a O IMITATORES, SERVUM PECUS! Miss Tearaway (who has had a fall, and is getting rather cross). "GREAT NUISANCE THIS RAIN. I'VE A NEW HAT ON, TOO." Miss Scramble. "GOOD GRACIOUS! A NEW HAT!" Miss Tearaway. "YES, OF COURSE IT IS! DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE ONE?" TALE OF A CHAIR. "There are very funny stories going about the new workings of the Public Works Department. There is a capital account of a certain castor which was lost off an arm-chair, and which entailed requisitions, correspondence, inspections, visits, &c., day after day, till a van with two horses and three men came to take off the arm-chair in triumph-and the castor came off the day after the chair was returned!"-Army and Navy Gazette. JOHN POUNCER was a gentleman Of limited renown, A Government official he, A Servant of the Crown. The room where he his country served Had not received much care, But POUNCER, as its chief, enjoyed A comfortable chair A chair with padded arms and back, Its legs on castors raised, Made in the dear old times before And sometimes when the sun was hot Till on a day-the date you'll learn Perhaps it was the work that weighed Perhaps but speculation fails, Of all the efforts that were made Of the visits and inspections To which the loss gave rise; The hopes and fears, delays and doubts, That seemed to have no end, Before the Board of Works resolved The furniture to mend. At last they sent a roomy van, A van with horses twain, And three men to remove the chair, And bring it back again. The necessary work was done With no intemperate haste, The chair returned to POUNCER's room, For one brief day, to be to him |