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Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24. Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ot Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard

Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, Janúary 8, 1870.

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Who's that knocking at the door!

'Tis I, says ROBERT LOWE,
With the bill of what you owe,
For house and for assessed tax,
And income-tax, that best tax-
'Tis so charmingly elastic,
So pliant and so plastic,
And falls upon so many;
'Tis a million to the penny-
Then inspection I invite
That your licences are right-
For keeping, if you can,

Dogs and arms, and trap and man,
So no wonder I am knocking at the door.
There used be two knockings at the door:

In April and September,
As you probably remember,
The collector used to sack,
For Lord knows how far back-
For traps that you had dropped
Arms on plate that you had popped,
Dogs that had cut and run,
And flunkeys that had gone,
For wbich to your disgust,
Charge they did, and pay you must-
And if you didn't kick
The nian out pretty quick,
You felt you'd like to do it,
If at law you 'd not to rue it.
In the aggravating day-

Now happily past away -
When they knocked twice at the door!
Now, when I knock at the door,

Tis on licence, where, confest,
Stand dogs, arms, traps, and the rest;
For your income tax and eke
Your house-tax l’ve to seek,

And from the New Year's day

Rates and taxes beg you'll pay,

In'accents bland and winning,

For the year that is beginning.

And you must feel, if one axes

For assessed and income taxes,
'Tis impossible to do so
In a way that should suit you so,

While it certainly suits me,

And Her Majesty's Treasure

And that's how I knock at the door. The celebrated LORD CHESTERFIELD, clever as he may have been in some respects, was obtuse in others. He had not the sense to appreciate the pith of our good old proverbs, and instructed his son, whose stupidity needed no enhance

True, this year there's rather more ment, that they were vulgar. He would have turned his finicking nose up at the

To pay than may be pleasant

In bad times like the present: wise and venerable saying, that one man may steal a horse whilst another must not look over a hedge. This, indeed, is now seldom quoted, having fallen into

For this year I must combine disuse since horse-stealing was made no longer a hanging matter. Horse-stealing

Taxes for 1, 8, 6, 9– is still, however, punishable with a degree of comparative severity quite sufficient

With the licences yoù 've bought to render that adage about it intelligible.

For 1, 8, 7,0.

Which certainly appears At the Middlesex Sessions, the other day, THOMAS Evans, aged 38, pleaded guilty

Like paying for two years to stealing a horse, value £5. He was sentenced to seven years' penal servitude.

And is what it doth appearOn the previous day another thief, who had pleaded not guilty, ELIZABETH BARRY,

But it's only for this year : aged 39, was adjudged, at the Berkshire Epiphany Quarter Sessions, to fifteen

And you will not be so done calendar months' imprisonment with hard labour. The difference between these

In 1, 8, 7, 1. two thieves was essentially this. THOMAS Evans had stolen a horse ; ELIZABETH

For then we shall be straightBARRY had stolen a child. To be sure, the man was proved to be an habitual

The year's back with the year's weightcriminal; but then, on the other hand, the woman was a nurse in the service of the

And you will not have to pay gentleman whose child she stole. Thus she was guilty of robbing her employer,

Two years' taxes in one dayand she robbed him of an object which he valued indefinitely more than he conld

When next year I come knocking at the door. have prized any horse: moreover she had, according to evidence, ill-ased the child, and all this with malice prepense. And she was liable to seven years' penal ser vitude too. But the child could not be assessed at the specific value of £5, and the horse could. To that difference between the two cases corresponded the

Death “Sans Phrase." difference between the sentences of fifteen months' imprisonment with hard labour, and seven years' penal servitude. So the dear old proverb which implies TROPMANN, the Pantin murderer, has been thought, even the relative atrocity of horse-stealing is no anachronism. For your horse is that by a French jury, too bad to admit of “extenuating circumthing to the sound of whose name he canters, as TENNYSON's Northern Farmer stances " in their verdict. This settles his place in the annals says, Proputty, Proputty, Proputty," marketable" proputty,” and your child of murder. Even his advocate could find no better defence isn't

. Judges and Justices think more of “proputty” than even what it is thought for him, than that he was too bad to behead—and ought of by the Northern Farmer.

to be shut up, as we shut up tigers, in a cage out of harm's way to others. He is not too much of man, but too

little of man-being evidently a brute-and a dangerous A BETTER READING.-A Contented Mind is a Continual Bore.

brute too-one to be "stamped out” of life, as mad dogs are.




What a very nice letter was that one quoted by the Pall Mall "The 29th of December is the Feast-day of an Archbishop of Arles, called Gazette from the New York Independent, the composition of the junior St. Trofimus, whose bones repose in the church of St. Philip Neri, and have King of Siam-for Siam, like the Brentford of other days, has two the peculiar virtue of curing people of gout, lumbago, and the rheum, or, as kings-addressed to an American lady, formerly a missionary among the Italian sacred diary has it, of podagra and chiaragra. Think of that, ye the Siamese, who had known him when a child!' A note which he had gouty old gentlemen of England, who sit at home in anything but ease.' received from her, he said, “called up many refreshing memories of Standard's Correspondent from Rome.

childhood.” Here is phraseology that might be supposed to have SAINT TROFIMUS, Saint Trofimus, assist me, I implore,

been acquired at a diocesan training school. “Numerous changes have Your saintly and respected name I never heard before :

taken place, and you would barely recognise Bangkok could you be Excuse me that I write to you, although we've never met,

transported here." This might have been written by any of our conYou're far too kind a gentleman to stand on etiquette,

temporaries' own correspondents. So might all this :

“ Treaties were made with nearly all the great Powers of the West. EuroMy dear Saint Trofimus, don't mind my swearing, but my groans,

peans and Americans resorted hither for trade. An extensive commerce has And make no bones of lending me the virtue of your bones. been the result. This city has greatly improved in its appearance, its buildI own I am a Protestant, my light is small and dim,

ings, roads, and canals. Beautiful square-rigged vessels and steamers are now But who can help protesting when podagra claws his limb?

owned by the Siamese Government and Siamese merchants. The industry,

produce, and wealth of the country have correspondingly advanced. And you've been off, Saint Trofimus, quite long enough to know

Peace and prosperity exist throughout the length and breadth of the kingHow paltry the dissensions that embroil us here below

dom, and long may it continue, will doubtless be yours, as it is my earnest

wish.” Still, as you 're claimed by Catholics, as Catholic I sue, Confiteor-I'll confess: if that's the proper thing to do.

His Siamese Majesty sends his old acquaintance a set of coins of his

realm and a gold and silver cigar-box, whence we need not infer Yes, culpa mea! I have loved, and fear may love again,

that she smokes, but may surmise that the Siamese ladies do. He Hock, Sherry, Chablis, Burgundy, Moselle, Yquem, Champagne, affectionately requests her to accept this present was a keepsake from Lafitte, Old Port, Noyeau, Chartreuse, Madeira, Punch in ice; your once baby friend." His epistle concludes with a salutation quite And, golly! good Saint Trofimus, ain't Maraschino nice ?

becoming the pen of a Christian gentleman :

“My honoured mother and other ladies of the Palace wish to be rememYes, mea magna culpa ! "when the Turtle's voice is heard”

bered to you. Accept my best wishes for yourself, your husband, and your I always take three plates, not always stopping at the third ; son, and believe me,

“ Yours truly When other soups are going, and I'm puzzled to take which, Richesse oblige, I make a choice of that as looks most rich.

And then follows His Majesty's signature. It is a remarkable one :

“K. P. R. PAWAR SATHAN MONGOL, And when they bait for me with fish, a capture I must be

Second King of Siam, &c., &c., &c. (I'm sure your friend St. Antony will say a word for me) Dressed fish, Saint Trofimus, that sendeth transcendental steam,

Everybody must be struck with the incongruity of the King of With luscious soft concomitants, and sauce-a poet's dream,

Siam's fifth name, with his style of writing. The intervening aitch

makes no difference in a word which looks like a mere abbreviation of Truffles, Saint Trofimus, I take in every given form,

SATHANAS. Who gave him that name? No godfathers nor godmothers, Enriching other viands, or in paste alone, and warm :

one would think : yet his letter, written in the terms above-copied, to They keep me humble, dear Saint T., upon my word they do, a missionary, seems to indicate that he had both, and that probably, in They preach a lesson that a man's himself a fungus too.

his infancy. Had he been converted at riper years, he surely would

have repudiated a name which sounds so strange for a Christian one. I eat of each entrée, dear Saint, in part because I like,

If he was actually christened thereby, there is perhaps no help for it, (Clean is the breast I make on which in penitence I strike), unless Mr. James Bug was canonically warranted in renaming himBut one little good intention to my credit place, I pray,

self NORFOLK HOWARD, discarding not only Bug for HOWARD, but A hostess does not like to see her dishes sent away.

JAMES for NORFOLK. But then, in like manner the KING OF SIAM

could alter SATHAN to MICHAEL,
And on through stately dinners (and I go to all I can)
To eat and drink of everything is my poor simple plan,
And pastries and confections, all the things that ladies take,

I take 'em, too, and fancy 'tis for those dear ladies' sake.

What has become of the “DAVENPORT Brothers ?” When last we Reluctantly, good Saint, I let or dish or wine go by,

heard of them they either were, or were in the way to be in gaol, aeWe should prove all things-can I tell what's best until I try? cording to United States' law, for conjuring without a licence. The But then at night, to counteract aught that might disagree, following passage in a letter from the Times Special Correspondent, I swig two jolly brandy-grogs-sometimes, I fancy, three.

may be taken to show that those DAVENPORTS are in some degree I take but little exercise, it really seems so bard

matched by certain performers at Rome. It refers to the Council :From honest gains a cabman should unkindly be debarred.

“ Within that body the Pope acts by a machinery and by procedures slowly I don't much care for riding on the horses that they job,

elaborated and perfected beyond a chance of miscarriage. On the other hand, And my weight would be oppressive to a steady-minded cob.

the opposition, be it one or only a name, cannot act for a hundred various

objections. It enters the Council not as we Anglicans were mockingly invited And I have gout! Saint Trofimus, which makes me wince and roar,

to enter, with ropes hanging round our necks, but with the ropes tightly And wonder what I've done to earn a punisbment so sore,

twisted and knotted round their limbs, and closing their very lips." And then the doctor comes, not kind, but grinning like a Ghoul, There is, however, a material difference between the spiritual oppo"I told you how 'twould be,” says he, “why are you such a Fool ?" sition in the Pope's Council and the Spiritualist pretenders. The

latter did usually contrive to wriggle out of the ropes they were tied He ties me up in flannels, says I'm not to drink or eat,

with, whereas there seems to be no extricating themselves for BISHOP He gives me beastly drugs, and Vichy water for a treat ;

DUPANLOUP and his companions.
And when I cry for opiates, the fiend without remorse
Says, “No; the gout's a remedy, and it must take its course."
I am so stiff, I am so cross, no living tongue can tell,

Subject for a Cartoon in the Hotel de Ville.
If my foot touches aught that's hard, incontinent I yell,

A THEME for Parisian pictorMy wrists bave caught it too, dear Saint, which tempts

me oft to swear;

By Parisian approval endorsed I cannot fold a journal, write a note, or comb my hair.

OLLIVIER the Paladin, Victor
One's utter helplessness is, perhaps, the worst thing in the gout:

O'er HAUSMANN, unhoused and un-horsed !
These very lines I dictate to my nephew (who's a lout)
And instead of writing rapidly when once my word he's got,

The stupid donkey looks at me, and fatuously says, “What ?” BARON HAUSMANN, we are told, refuses to accept any compensation
The world's a blank, all folks are fools, and everything goes wrong, for his loss of office. He cannot help receiving one compensation—the
The very hours have got the gout, and now are twice as long.

universal satisfaction of Paris at his deposition. O cure me, dear Saint Trofimus, and send me back again To Hock, Moselle, and Burgundy, Yquem, Lafitte, Champagne.

UGLY LANGUAGE.- Plain English.

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(Papa is not mad, but has been left a few moments in charge of his baby, and is learning his part in a piece for a private performance.


DR. WORDSWORTH his teeth o'er the Fathers still gnashes,

Posey pules, and the Record sounds shrilly alarms. By the death of the BISHOP OF MANCHESTER another mitre is placed at

'Gainst such fury of High Church and frenzy of Low, the disposal of MR. GLADSTONE.”Ecclesiastical Intelligence. “I have always felt from the beginning that those who differed from me,

Such passion of Priests, and Priests' press party-fired, and who thought it their duty to express that difference, doing all that in

What use is the witness a life's work can show, them lay to oppose both my Election and my Consecration, were actuated by

The love and respect which that life has inspired ? nothing but a sense of duty, and a desire to fulfil God's will, as far as their conscience showed it to them."-Bishop Temple's Speech at Exeter.

As against Priestly shriek, and Episcopal groan,

That his courage condemn, and his manhood bewail, HERE'S GLADSTONE has got a new Bishop to make

What import lay affection, and reverence shown The task may well cause e'en his courage to blench :

In the farewells that follow, the welcomes that hail ? . If Cabinet-making some trouble must take, What's Cabinet-making to making a Bench ?

To the clam'rous confusion of orthodox herds,

The terror that rouses their bleats, baas, and lows, For Cabinet-work, free from priestly control,

What's the calm Christian spirit that speaks in these words
You've but to determine the right stuff, and get it;

Of respect for opponents, forgiveness for foes ?
And when you ’ve the peg that will best fit the hole,
Stick the one in the other, and keep where you ’ve set it.

At Large.
On Cabinet-work party judgments we know-.

The sarcasm and sneers, and high-toned indignation- APPROPRIATE names (and considerate acts) should always be reBut a Broad Bishop's choice calls to arms High and Low, corded. The Keeper of Whitecross Street Prison, from which a large And clerical wrath takes the form of damnation.

number of debtors were liberated on the first of this month under the

New Act, is-MR. CONSTABLE ; and it is pleasant to note what is said These shepherds of souls will fight over a straw,

of him, that he "acted in a humane manner [by giving a large number On what we call hairs see an eternity hanging :

of those in his custody leave to go directly the Act came into operation] For the Church defy Charity, Logic, and Law,

instead of prolonging the imprisonment of the persons until applica-
Turn their pulpits to prize-rings, their sermons to slanging. tions were made to a Judge at Chambers on Monday.”
The sounds of spent fight around TEMPLE still blend,
The air is still murky with smoke of the battle:

Still the sulphurous whiffs of Priests' powder ascend,
Still their protests explode, their anathemas rattle.

What a contrast there sometimes is between the adjective and its

adverb! Reflect, for example, on the wide difference that exists Still TROWER parades in his sackcloth and ashes,

between the man who is constant in love, and the man who is constantly Still DENISON calls Convocation to arms;

in love!

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