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Well-informed Friend (finding from the conversation of those around EVENINGS FROM HOME.
him that he is near other people who have also been in Spain). Well—not AT THE SPANISH-ISLINGTON OR ISLINGTON-SPANISH BULL-FIGHT.
exactly. I've seen this sort of thing in Portugal. (Nobody is near
who has been to Portugal, so he confines himself to an anecdote of a BullThe Agricultural fight in that place.) Hall, more than half full.
[New movement with Bull Number Two, A Bull-fighter sits in a chair A Circus much larger
opposite Bull. The Bull is pensive. Bull.fighter tries to dis
tract his attention from the sawdust. Band plays also to distract than usual in the centre of
Bull. Bull listens still pensive.
Spanish Costermonger. Get h’up. Stoopid !
[Bull rouses himself, and approaches valiant man in chair. Exit
valiant man over the barricade. Horse to the Bulls. A
Bravo, Toro! Bravo, Toro! mingled perfume of bad Different People (with different opinions). Yah?Yah! tobacco and circus-sardust
S-8-8-8-8-8! (Applause.) pervades the atmosphere. Lounger (from the West End.) Doosid slow. (His party agree with him.) At intervals the popping
Easily pleased Person (cheerfully). I think it's very amusing. (This of soda-water bottles is dents as mentioned above.)
is his opinion after the Third Bull has performed with same exciting inciheard. Three gentlemen, Fussy Gentleman. I've had enough of this. I s'pose we shall get a too late for the beginning cab somewhere to take us back again. of the show, enter and [Shouts and applause suddenly. The audience are awoke, for a fero inquire the way to their seconds, by the gallant and daring, conduct of a Bull-fighter, cho seats.
has just stuck a rosette on the Buil's neck when he wasn't looking, SA
and has then run away and jumped over the barricade. Reticent Policeman at Untravelled Person (to his Well-informed Friend). What are these fel
the door (keeping his right lows called ? hand in his breast pocket, and staring straight before him at nothing in Well-informed Traveller. Well, one's a matador, and another's a particular, while he jerks his head to the left as an indication of what he picador-he's the picador in the basket-horse—the others are the-are means when he says), Straight on.
the-dear me-bandilleros or banderillos-and-and-(becomes again Fussy Gentleman (in a tone intended to be heard). Ah! I can imagine aware that other people who have been to Spain are intently listening to the people about Highbury Barn don't get well attended to, if this is his conversation) and, in fact, it's puzzling to know what these chaps their style of Peeler.
are. It's certainly more like what I've seen in Portugal. (Confines [Reticent Policeman looks, round scornfully; laughing trio and himself to Portugal.)
exeunt towards probable opening. Shouts and applause heard Spanish Islington. Where's the Clown?
[The Sixth Bull won't leave the Circus. He won't fight, and he Languid Gentleman (who has been in Spain, and knoros all about it). won't go away. Applause. Derisive laughter. șhouts repeated Quite reminds me of Spain. Just the sort of thing we used to hear there. of " Give 'im some 'ay and vater." Take 'im 'ome," &c. &c. Untravelled Friend (who wishes for information). Ah! indeed!
At last the Bull is coaxed back to the stable. Band plays [Shouts of “Bravo, Toro!” “ Go it, little ’un!” Now then!"
“ God Save the Queen.” Music by DR. BULL. Bull.fighters Wake up!" "Clapping of hands, rattling of hats and sticks. It assemble and bow. Cheers, hisses, applause, general movement out occurs to Untravelled friend that he's heard much the same sort as quickly as possible. of thing in a, Provincial Circus during the performance of the
Travelled Gentleman. Not the thing at all. Courier of St. Petersburgh on six horses and changing his dress Untravelled Gentleman. Well, if that's anything like it—(finishes in ten times, appearing first as the Courier, then as Pickwick, and a cigar.) lastly as Cupid, showing probably to what shifts an Imperial
Fussy Person. Hang it, we've got all the way to go back again. Messenger might have been put when steam wasn't invented, if he Lounger from the West. Bosh! wished to escape detection.
Easily-pleased Person (who has paid half-a-guinea for a stall). Well, Fussy Friend. Where the deuce are our seats ? (Turns to the left and really, I think it's the best thing I've seen for a long time. (Goes to goes nowhere... Angrily.), Why isn't there some one to-here-I say- his Club intending to send everybody to whom he owes a grudge. His (To dirty individual in black) Where's the reservą(Dirty individual advice, there, is) - Haven't you seen the Bull-fight? Oh! you ought to scuds away.) Confound it! Why the ... Oh! (Sees another person in see the Bull-fight! Best thing I've seen for years. (And probably a great coat.) Where are the reserv->
retires to rest chuckling.) [Spanish
Islington disappears into publics. Gruff Person. How should I know? Ask up there. (Strolls on as if Friend (to Proprietor of the Show at Refreshment Stall). I say, these he'd seen the Bull-fight a hundred times, and didn't care what happened.) Bulls ain't half wild. No fun. (Several people agree.)
Official (suddenly appearing at the bottom of a staircase). 'Served seats P Proprietor (seeing an opportunity for advertisement). Wild! Bless Yes, Sir. Here you are, Sir. Up there.
you! You wouldn't be up to much if you 'd had such a sea passage as Languid Gentleman (at the top of the stairs). But where are the they've had. You just wait till next week: they 'll be as wild and Fussy Gentleman. Yes. Look here, I've got 47. Here I say-(to vicious as-as-as fails in a simile) anything; you'll see some fun anybody, the Stall-keeper having vanished)-Where's 47 ?
then. (Winks confidentially and laughs at bystanders. Left drinking Careless Person (comfortably seated). Take any one.
each other's healths.) [The three friends knock down a few chairs, provoke some bad lan
quage, and finally descend to their seats. A Matador, a Picador,
WHY SHAVE YOUR SOLDIERS?
WHEN the Army Estimates come next under discussion, we hope Shouts (from a lot of people who know something about it). Bravo, that some Economist will move that no more shaving tackle be supToro! Bravo, Toro!
plied to soldiers. The annual cost of soapsuds can be no langhing Untravelled Friend. Who's Toro ?
matter, though the matter may seem ludicrous. To this add the Travelled but Reserved Person (in reserved seat). He's the Bull. expense of razor-strops and razors, of shaving cloths and shaving (The Bull-fighters go boldly within four
yards of the little Bull, who brushes, and one may calculate what saving would be made merely by doesn't seem to know his business. They dare him to the battle. not shaving. Matador (with red cloak approaching a little nearer). Saba! Sa-ha! Soldiers get into sad scrapes through not being clean-shaven; and ha! ha! (Stamps his foot fiercely. Bull trots towards him. Exceunt all while the two regulation inches of the chin must, by order, be kept Bull-fighters nimbly over the barricade.)
beardless, it might be well to institute a daily shaving drill, so as to Spanish Islington. S-8-8-8! Yah!
ensure proficiency in the using of the razor. For the instruction of an Spaniard (in the gallery). Take him 'ome!
awkward squad, short and simple words of military command might be [Bull trots round and examines audience. Bull-fighters leap into the shouted by the drill sergeant: such, for instance, as “ Draw razors!”
'Strop razors ! ” "Handle noses ! Quick scra-a-ape!
short ineffectual charges at anything, shakes his head, then stands
LATEST BULLETIN. Untravelled Gentleman (to Well-informed Friend who has seen the real MRS. RAMSBOTHAM has been suffering rom indisposition brought on thing). Is this anytbing like it !
by a cold caught at the theatre. She is now trying Romeopathy.
Thames where was made the first find of this choice delicacy for the OUR OWN MUD IN OUR OWN MOUTHS. breakfast table, let Batter-sea be re-christened and known henceforth
as Butter-mere. OUR candle manufacturers complain that they can't live because their raw material has run up to such a figure. And their raw material has risen in price because it is wanted for making butter. It is a sober
"AM I MY BROTHER'S KEEPER P.” fact. It was but the other day that chemistry taught our manufacturers to consolidate and refine all sorts of oils and greases into the raw IMPROVING this text, the Echo is eloquent on the cold-blooded selfishmaterial of candles. And now science has gone a step further, and ness and cowardly inhumanity of the men who, the other day, stood by taught us how to turn that, which has but just been made to take and saw a drunken double-murderer at Brentwood cut his wife's throat form and pressure as dips and moulds, into " prime Irish” and “best first and his own afterwards. Another case of the same kind is that of Dorset !” No wonder stearine is going up : fatty matters rising to PATRICK JENNINGS, a Black Country ruffian, who beat out with a half the surface. Everything with grease in it is worth putting under brick the little life he had not first jumped out of his wife's body with process. Science will compel its precious oils, and extort its fatness. his iron-clamped boots, in the sight of several men, But the last discovery, in this direction, is the grandest. It beats what we had hitherto regarded as the triumph of industrial chemistry
" Who didn't think it was their business to interfere, as it was only his the extraction of Champagne out of petroleum. They have actually
own wife he was punching." found out how to turn Thames mud from Battersea reach into butter! The Echo wonders how human beings could look on at such acts And so the whirligig of time brings about its revenges! We refused of murderous brutality without even lifting a hånd. Where's the to transmute our London sewage into milk on the Maplin sands, wonder? They are only bettering the instruction of their superiors. through the purifying stages of rye-grass and mangold, and, lo, our What is it but the doctrine of Non-Intervention transferred from sewage, in payment of our stupidity, is coming back to us, viá the public to private life? Thames, in all its naked nastiness, as butter!
In the face of this sickening story, can we wonder that BISHOP It is only fair of Father Thames. We poisoned him, and he means Selwyn has thought it advisable to bring over, as his suffragan, a to do his best to poison us; or, to put it more pleasantly, we turned our clergyman who was of old his right hand in dealing with the fatness into pollution of his bed, and he is giving us back our filth in natives of New
Zealand ? All BISHOP SELWYN’s
and DR. ABRAHAM'S fatness, whether we will or no!
united experience of savagery will not be too much for the work they Here is a triumph for THWAITES, a chance for the Board of Works, have before them in the Black Country. a use for the deposits of Barking, a way of turning to account the hundreds of thousands of tons of sewage now poured weekly from the pumps at Abbey Mills. At present they accumulate as Thames mud,
At 7.30. and are complained of as à nuisance. You have but to turn that Thames mud into butter, to extract from it a bonus and a blessing!
What terrific sensation will the theatres next bring out? One of Write up over the Abbey Mills pumping station “BAZALGETTE, them now announces Twenty Minutes with a Tiger ! This beats the Butterman to the Board of Works!” and let Thwaites and the Bull-fights. Board bind themselves to use their own extract as "the best substitute for butter at breakfast!” And in honour of that reach of
THE Gas-FITTER'S PARADISE.-Berners Street. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Omces of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Btreet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars. In the City of London, and Published by him at No.
85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, March 12, 1870.
IMAGO OR PERFECT INSECT.
1. TRE Music-HALL MOTH, OR NOCTURNAL CAD-FLY (Bombys cheapanasticus).
MADAME DREMEL lends me a triumphal car in the shape of a MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
magnificent carriage and pair, and coachman in livery (looking, on the
whole, something like a foreign ambassador's equipage in Hyde Park), In five days leave this. Sorry; but must get back. DYNGWELL and Dr. Caspar is determined to see the last of me. It's a long thinks, he says, of running with me to the "gay and festive village," journey to Paris; ten hours. he means Paris, —"and going on the scoop for a short burst of it." I
Happy Thought.—Take light wine, chicken sandwiches, and French represent to him, gravely, that I can't go on the scoop; to which his answer is, “Never mind, Cockalorum, we'll bustle 'em somehow." literature to prepare for the gay capital. Get DynGWELL to talk
DYNGWELL asks me to come and have a chat in his room. We fall French all the way there. Good practice. into German and French. I propose talking in both languages as a
Happy Thought.-Ask DYNGWELL and Commander to get light wine capital plan for foreigners. He says, “Who's a foreigner ?" I reply, and sandwiches, also. “We are,” which seems to astonish him. He had thought that DR. CASPAR’s interest secures us a carriage to ourselves—not to be Englishmen never could be foreigners.
disturbed on any account. Happy Thought.-Suggest that he was thinking of Rule Britannia Happy Thought.-As invalids. and chorus. * Never, never, never, never, never shall be" foreigners. Before going, take the names and addresses of every one I leave
I say, for practice, will he talk German to me? He won't. For behind. Will write to them; must see them; will all meet again, practice, will I talk French to him? I will. He doesn't understand jovially--somewhere. We all mean what we say : at the time. a word I say. He says he catches one now and then. We read French
“Here's old Cockalorum !” shouts DYNGWELL, catching sight of to each other. Getting tired of this, be draws my attention to his our good-humoured, kind-hearted Professor's hat. I ask him to exercises, and professes to be getting “Qaite the German."
watch for the first volume of my Typ. Develop. He says, “ He will do Happy Thought. - To test him and bis system. Represent the con- so, with the greatest possible interest.” ventionality of his exercises. Get one of mine (intended for my forth- Happy Thought.-Paid the Bill. coming “Method of learning German, French and English simultane- Happy Thought.-Less than I'd expected. Grand Monarque excelously," if POPGOOD and GROOLY will have it. Wish they'd answer lent and moderate. telegrams) and try him.
In making this note I feel as if I was doing it for a Guide-Book. For Beginners.-I am fat (gross). You are poor. We are fat and Winter is beginning. Can't help looking forward, away from the poor. Am I fat or poor? Are you ill or fat! He is old and little. German stoves, to the wood fires of France and the roaring logs and Is he little or old ? I am rich (reich) and fatigued. Are you little coal of England. Good-bye, sulphur waters! Farewell, Miss ELISA ! (klein), and fat (gross), and rich and ill (krank) ?
Impromptu in my Pocket-book :Next Exercise. - I am not tall. They are short and idle. Is the father good and fat? The mother is happy and tall. The father and
Fairest of all Aachen's daughters, the mother are small and polite. My aunt is with the shoemaker, but
Thou who gave'st me sulphur waters, my uncle is in the garden. The wife of the doctor (des Arztes) is in
See, I go to winter quarters; the fat carpenter's garden.
Medical adviser I have seen the tailor's uncle's boots fi.e. I have the boots of the
Says I may, so fare thee well, uncle of the tailor seen).
What I feel I cannot tell, This is what DYNGWELL says is his difficulty; viz., that the verb is
No, nor in thy language spell, (so to speak) round the corner; or comes, as it were, at the end of the
Pretty Miss ELISA. book.
DYNGWELL says “ ELISA” is pronounced "ELESA." Oh, is it? very Happy Thought. There are more things in heaven and earth, DYNG- well. WELL, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. DYNGWELL puts before me his idea of our exercise.
Happy Thought. - Think of rhymes and settle DYNGWELL. LESA
Please, Sir-teaser-greaser-tea, Sir-she, Sir-we, Sir-Pisa, &c. Dyngwell's German E.čercise.-Will the Cockalorum liquor? The old Cockalorum is moppy. The tailor was bustled a bit by the wife of
I'riend **** the Cockalorum. The old cove went on the scoop: The venerable
“Youthful friend, say, have you quaffed Cockalorum ain't in good form. The shoemaker is a Hass. The carpenter's grandmother was quite the drunkard. The gardener has
At her hands the sulphur draught " the papsylals in bis great toe. Act on the square, boys, and be quite the
"Whose hands, if you please, Sir?”
Then I answer, “She the nymph c'rrect card, your vashup. The carpenter retired to his virtuous downy.
Of the boiling sulphur lymph, My Aunt and my Uncle. The noble swell was all there. Well, my
Lovely Miss ELISA." Lord and Marquis, how was you to-morrow! Hallo! says the Dook. Quite the tittup, says the Duchess. The Cockalorum was on. I'l What's "Lymph?” says DYNGWELL. have your German Exercise ! “Now,” says DYNGWELL, “ get that into real up and down German, read any poetry?
Happy Thought. To say, "My dear fellow, I suppose you've never
DR. CASPAR draws our attention to the Station. and you 'll be quite the scholar.
(If DYNGWELL's going to be unpleasant on the journey, I shall travel Sunday. In the Jesuits' Church. Expect, from seeing the crowd, in another compartment with the Commander.) that I am going to see something peculiarly grand. Edge myself as Once more, adieu. Tickets. Luggage. near as possible to the front row of people all standing. A German
Happy Thought.-Booked through, and change nowhere; so whatever hymn which I don't understand.
they say to us in German, French, or Dutch, we don't stir. Happy Thought.- Never offend prejudices. Look devotional, and Where is the Commander ? hum as much of the tune as I can catch.
Train in motion. Farewell. Au revoir. Hands to hats. The last No ceremonial, but a sermon. After the first twenty minutes look hand, the last hat, I can just see; and also sudden appearance of the round to see if there's any chance of getting out quietly. None. Commander, too late. He had stopped behind to tell the Professor the Wedged in. Think of saying Ich bin sehr Krank, and getting them Mongoose story (I hear afterwards) and was obliged to leave in the to let me pass. Say this to my next neighbour. He shakes his head : middle. Aix, farewell! either he won't believe me, or doesn't understand. Try it once more and give it up. Sermon lasts one hour at least.
Happy Thought.—To be prepared for everyone, beginning with Mil
BURD in London coming up and saying, "Well; left all your Aches Happy Thought (for any one who doesn't understand the language and behind ?” on my telling him that I've just come from Aix. is uncertain what service he is going to hear).- Get close to the door.
Happy Thought.--Shall simply observe I've been staying at Aachen. Day of Departure.-Early in the morning get weighed at Miss Telegraph to FRIDOLINE from Paris. “Home, sweet Home! CATHERINE's, I mean Miss CAROLINE's. Find I'm considerably Wherever I wander, there's no place like Home!”-that is, of course, less.
when the drains are not up, and the Inspector of Nuisances is not Happy Thought.—Thinner.
bothering about the grounds. Viá Paris to England. Say good-bye to everybody. DYNGWELL will accompany me to Paris. Everybody in hotel suddenly seems to find an opportunity for coming into my room. Waiters, chambermaids, porters, boots and
An Unlucky Question. people whom I've never seen before. I call in to see the Bathman and the Doucheman. They receive their gratuity sorrowfully, being his head). Imagine, then, his horror at being asked, the other day at
WATERMORE is a strict teetotaller (and just a little bald on the top of puzzled at the non-success of the vapour-bath in my case as compared THOROFITT's by the assistant who was cutting his hair, whether he ever with tbat of Der Andere Mann. Paris. “Capital fun, we three,” he says. He promises that he'll tell
The Commander appears at the hotel door. He is also coming to applied stimulants to it! us the story of the Mongoose in the train.
“ FICTILE IVORIES.”-False Teeth.