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.. DO LOOK SHARP!”
Celia. “NOW DON'T FIDGET, MY DEAR ! ' THERE'S LOTS OF TIME ! AND IF WE ARE A LITTLE LATE, YOU CAN PLAY A LITTLE FASTER, YOU KNOW :
THE FENIANS' RAGING FURY;
OR, LEGAL IRELAND'S SUFFERINGS.
Who live abroad at ease,
That you are absentees.
heed unto the newspapers,
When the crimson drops do flow.
Must bear arrears of rent,
Or none, must be content;
Will quickly lay us low;
Poor landlords must endure,
They ne'er can rest secure.
By voices crying “Woe!”
While the crimson drops do flow.
Which slaughter doth enforce,
With rogues à lawful course.
Whence cometh dire distraction,
For death's impending blow, With a stain on the plain,
When the crimson drops do flow. Sometimes our Irish villains
A life when they would seek, To take a skulking coward's aim Behind a hedge
do sneak. Sometimes their landlords "tumble”
In sunshine's open glow; In the light, and men's sight,
When the crimson drops do flow. Not Irish landlords only
Thus live in care and dread; Their stewards and their agents too
May look to be shot dead. Whoever makes an enemy
Is very soon let know What is what, by a shot,
When the crimson drops do flow. Our Fenian scribes and spouters
Sedition frantic stir; And mad mobs, with sham funerals,
Dead caitiffs re-inter. Incendiary raving priests
The seed of murder sow,' Which take root and bear fruit
When the crimson drops do flow. Just statesmen try kind medicines
To conquer our disease, But cannot, with their righteous laws,
Our fell Yaboos appease,
CHIEF CONSTABLE. “H'M!-SHOOTING LANDLORDS !-WRECKING PRIVATE PROPERTY!-BURNING STORES !SEIZING ARMS !-BREAKING HEADS !-MURDER AND INTIMIDATION !-'PON MY WORD, IF THEY GO MUCH FURTHER I MUST REALLY- DO SOMETHING!!!”
Our savages implacable,
A COLLEGIATE CHARITY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SOME of you may, possibly, be unaware of the existence of
an Institution named “The Royal Dramatic College." If cognisant Our forsworn juries check,
of its existence, you may not be equally acquainted with its nature. Foul perjury forbids the noose
Be pleased, then, to know that it is not a School of Preparation for the To gripe the felon's neck;
Stage. The Royal Dramatic College is no such an establishment as A County did a Convict send
any College in connection with the Universities, or the Professions of To Parliament, and so
Medicine and SurgeryIt grants no dramatic degrees. On no perRepresent what it meant :
sons does it confer the distinctions, for example, of Bachelor of Comedy, While the crimson drops do flow.
or Farce ; Master of Tragedy; or Doctor of Burlesque. It has no
Professorships of Pantomime, can only have attached to itself exIf all conciliation
Professors. But its Members are all of them Fellows, and, for it is a Is wasted, nought remains
Ladies' as well as a Gentleman's College, they are of either sex. They But to renew an iron rule,
are all fellows in old age, or at least in superannuation, used-up actors Stern penalties and pains,
and actresses, who, but for the College wherein they reside and are At least empower our magistrates
maintained, would be fellows in want; perhaps even fellows in the To cage each public foe,
workhouse - that place of punishment in which modern British With the speed which we need
Christianity afflicts the Poor. In the Royal Dramatic College these When the crimson drops do flow.
fellows play out the Fifth Act of the Drama of Life.
In short, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Royal Dramatic College is a sort of secular convent, or, we may say, civil barrack for aged and
necessitous members of the dramatic profession, supported by voluntary AN AWFUL MALLARD!
contributions. Or, call it, if you will, an eleemosynary hotel. It is not What stories are told by the electric wire! Here is one of them It wante a " lift.” The Era thus speaks of it:
a lofty hotel; differs from that style of hotel in one serious particular. telegraphed from Paris the other day :“The Journal Officiel of this morning announces that all public receivers
« THE ROYAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. and collectors of taxes will be allowed to receive payments in Papal coins assistance in order to enable the Council to regularly pay the pensions of the
“It is with extreme regret that we hear this Institution is much in need of until the 30th of April next, at the rate of ninety-one centimes per franc."
residents of the College, and meet other expenses. A meeting of the Council Referring to this announcement, of course in the belief of it, the has just been held, to consider the best means of raising ways and means, a Post observes :
series of morning and other special performances being proposed." " By a curious coincidence we remark that the French Government has just You are, 'doubtless, Ladies and Gentlemen, most of you playgoers, decided on taking no base coin from Rome. The Papal Government had pro- and of course willing to combine with your own amusement the addi. tested that its issue was as good as the French, but the inexorable logic of tional pleasure of affording succour to others who, many or most of chemistry has demonstrated that the Roman lira is only worth ninety-one them, have amused yourselves, and, even in these days of the unintelcentimes, and not a hundred, and at ninety-one per frane only will it be lectual, unideal, and idiotic drama, may perhaps have occasionally received in France."
elevated your thoughts and feelings. Hear further, then, that :"Did you ever see a wild goose a floatin' on the Ocean ?” sings not LONGFELLOW, but another fellow, LONGFELLOW's ebony fellow
“ Already MR. CHATTERTON (who has handsomely offered to pay all excreature, and countryman in Old Zip Coon. Venturing to parody that penses for the morning performance on the 12th of March,) MISS Oliver, mighty line, 'let us ask, -"Did you ever see a wild duck a flyin' through other Managers, have agreed to put their houses at the disposal of the Council, the air?" The biggest you can ever have seen was a mere teal to the an example which will no doubt be followed by others, and a series of brilliant above-cited canard.
performances may therefore shortly be expected, which, we feel certain, will The Papal lire base coin? Impious aspersion on the Government of be well patronised.” Pio Nono! Whopper, as the schoolboys say;, set about for the purpose of suggesting analogies as obvious as they are false. We, whilst you help to confer, a benefit
in attending any of those projected
And should it be impracticable, for reasons, by any of you, to realise, however, dear DR. MANNING, will grant, and maintain too, that every performances, allow
the Era, still further, to say to you:production of the Papal mint is alike genuine.
If the logic of Chemistry is inexorable, the logicians are excommu- “In the meantime money is wanting, so we have determined at once to nicable. Chemistry, has demonstrated, by its logic, that the Roman open
a special fund, to be called . The 'ERA DRAMATIC COLLEGE FUND, lira is only worth ninety-one centimes, has it? Ah! Chemistry may towards which we shall be happy to receive subscriptions, and which we shall also persevere in demonstrating that a given object is composed hand over to the Council of Management.” mainly of oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen and carbon-elementary substances. Chemistry be-anathema!
None but the most successful players can possibly save the means of self-support in decent retirement from the stage. Even the very supernumeraries you, Ladies and Gentlemen, would not willingly let starve
-or die half-starved in an Infirmary which might be that of St. PanCHARITY IN THE BALL-ROOM.
cras. You may help to keep many a meritorious but indigent perAr a ball the other evening given by the PRINCESS MATHILDE, to former, past work, out of that, or some other lazar-house nearly as bad, celebrate the "coming out” of the PRINCE IMPERIAL,
by contributing to the support of the Royal Dramatic College.
PUNCH “ The EMPRESS was in lemon-coloured silk, with a white tunic looped up à la Paternoster, in diamonds and emeralds. A Paternoster garniture is made in imitation of the beads of a Sister of Charity."
Scilla Banks and Silly Customers. Imitation is defined to be the truest form of flattery: but we ques- THE Italian newspapers are full of the ruin caused by the collapse of tion if a sister of charity would feel herself much flattered at seeing the bubble Banks of Deposit started at Naples by a certain RUFFO her beads imitated by diamonds and emeralds. A dress begemmed in SCILLA, at an interest for loans from five per cent. per month upthis manner may clearly be regarded as a very rich costume, but must wards. Now the smash has come, nearly £3,000,000 turns out to have also be esteemed a very poor imitation.
been lost at this pretty little game. Those who, in their anxiety to avoid poverty, took this short cut to riches, are left to meditate the
well-known Virgilian proverb – Incidit in Scillam qui vult vitare The Worst of Irish Wrongs.
THE ALTERNATIVE IN IRELAND. part of the United Kingdom. The trial, in cases of landlord-shooting, What must Government do if forsworn jurymen refuse to convict wherein the culprit generally gets acquitted, is almost always a trial assassins ? Suspend the Habeas Corpus, to be sure, as they cannot by perjury.
suspend the Corpus.
THE RIGHT MEDIUM. DIVIL a bit o' the British Monarchy we'll be, me bhoys. We'll What paper should Telegrams be written on ? Wire-wove post, to be an Irish Anarchy!
THE TIPPERARIAN IDEA.
CHEAP. AT THE MONEY.
BIRMINGHAN's Mayor and Constable
MURPHY made bold to “cushion,'
Of Irish Church Discussion.
Of Constable and Mayor,
And keeping of him there.
That law is with the snob;
Reduce to forty bob.
For quodding him is seen,
The damages had been?
To ply his firebrand trade,
The costs, as Blackburn paid.
He in quod has been thrown,
IMPROVEMENT ON FURBELOW.
“A costume of black poult de soie, with a crossway founce, $!
headed by three rows of velvet.”
Flounces, many of them, have for a long time been
used to sweep crossings, not however designedly, perhaps. NOT IMPROBABLE.
But now we see that some milliner has devised a regular First Banker's Clerk (standing). “BEEN TO SEE THESE PERFORMING MONKEYS, to the purpose it is intended to serve, with three rows of
crossway flounce, headed, apparently with a special view GIBBON ?"
velvet. Reason and economy, however, suggest that, Second Banker's Clerk. “YES! BY JOVE, IT'S WONDERFUL. I BELIEVE instead of being headed by three rows of velvet, this THEY'LL GET MONKEYS TO TALK AND WRITE soox."
flounce should be tailed with one row of broom.
SEVERITY OF PUBLIC SAVING.
necessity for immediate retrenchment is so urgent that the British
Public cannot afford to let its ex-clerks and ex-workmen die out upon MR. JOHN BULL has a true, faithful, and efficient servant in Mr. retiring allowances, as it lets its ex-Chancellors, and other ex-Ministers CHILDERS. "Economy with efficiency !'" demands the British Public. of the Crown ? Perhaps there would be even economy in forbearance "There you are," answers the First Lord of the Admiralty, producing order to go to the expense of treating the under-servants of the State
from some saving, of which no one individual could feel the benefit, in the Navy Estimates. Hear him :
as considerately as the upper, and so conciliate numbers among the “When we took office we found that the clerical force in London consisted working classes. of 354 clerks and 102 writers, costing altogether £125,242 per annum. this present time we employ 230 clerks and 142 writers, who cost £93.127. There are therefore employed 124 clerks fewer than last year, and that has
AIR-POISONING O. AIRE-POISONING. effected a saving of £32,115." No doubt, in getting rid of those one hundred and twenty-four
(Before VICE-CHANCELLOR SIR W. M. JAMES.) clerks, as likewise of a great many dockyard workmen, the Govern- THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL 0. MAYOR, ALDERMEN, and BURGESSES ment proceeded, as MR. CHILDERS said they did, with all possible con
OP LEEDS. sideration. They did the work they engaged to do for the British Public as gently as they could. The British Public ordered the work; the purpose of restraining the Defendants (the Corporation of Leeds) from
“This was a Sewage Case, and came before the Court on an information for the Ministry did but execute, in the mildest way they were able to, the polluting the river Aire.”—Law Report, Wednesday, March 2. British Public's order. The distress they had to cause in so doing distressed themselves. The profit of both their distress and that of the
Has JAMES no compunction, laying Leeds 'neath injunction ? clerks and workmen will accrue to the British Public.
As if sewers' Black-draught was not wholesomest brewage! Now then, it may perhaps be deemed not utterly preposterous,
If to poison the dir with Leeds smoke be trade's function, absurd, and irrelevant, not altogether idiotically weak, not an absolute
Why shouldn't it poison the Aire with Leeds sewage ? fool's entirely inadmissible question, to ask any individual member of the British Public how much happier he feels for the national gain of £32,115, saved by discharging one hundred and twenty-four clerks, and
Dangerous and Expensive “Freaks." how much misery, on the other hand, has probably been inflicted on In an action for compensation for injuries received in an accident on each of those clerks by that saving ?
the Great Northern Line, the Government Inspector, according to the Is there any man Jack who can aver that he expects to get so much Pall Mall Gazette, stated that in railway accidents the carriages frerelief from taxation, and consequently so much joy, rapture, ecstasy, quently had " freaks” which it was impossible to explain by scientific beatitude, by the saving which has been effected in dismissed means. A statement like this makes one ponder whether there is not Admiralty Clerks', and Dockyard Workmen's wages, that he acquiesces another, and still more positive, cause of railway accidents—the “freaks” in owing it to the beggary to which dismissal has reduced them? of railway management, which it is impossible to explain by any means
Is it too simply a bray of interrogation to ask, finally, whether the whatever.