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CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. REPRESSION OF HABITUAL CRIME.--B. A. 1 (to Benevolent Old Gent.). “WHAT'S HE BEEN AND Done?' WHY, HE'S BEEN AND DROPPED AN H! THAT'S WHAT He's
BEEN AND DONE! ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?"
" THE NORMAL DIAPASON!" First Citizen (Returning from Dinner-Party). “ HULLO, GROUNDERBY, 'S THAT YOU? GOOD GRACIOUS ! ARE YOU MAD!?"
Second Citizen (huskily). "All Right, OLD FELLOW! 'FACT 19, I'VE GOT TO SING. Qui Sdegno' AT OUR CONCERT, AND YOU KNOW WITH THE PRESENT HIGH PITCH, MY Low D IS TOTALLY INEFFIOTIVE
'VE A SLIGHT COLD !!”
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. AT THE RAILWAY STATION, ANTWERP, en route for Aix. land don't speak like les orais Parisiens. When in Paris I can look Rather a crowd at the ticket place, and I come in at the tail
. forward to saying that Belgium and Germany have spoilt my accentMy ear not having, become accustomed to rapidly-spoken French | satisfactory.), (by-the-way, I wonder how a Frenchman ever masters the names of We cross the frontier, and suddenly hear nothing but German. Very our stations as called out by the porters !) I am unable to grasp the strange this at first. DYNGWELL thinks it would be a rum sort of a exact sum demanded of me for my ticket.
start if one went from Kent to Sussex (from Tunbridge Wells to Happy Thought.- Put down a Napoleon, and see what change comes Brighton, for instance) and didn't understand the language at Three out of it.
Bridges Station. DYNGWELL, I note, has more in him than meets Clerk doesn't take it, but says something more rapidly in French. Happy Thought.-Say bien, and put down another Napoleon.
Aix at last. When you get there it is called Aachen. DYNGWELL I am not able to count the change, owing to being pushed away by explains this happily; he says a Frenchman expects to find Londres, an excited person behind, and led off, at once, by an intelligent porter and it turns out to be London. to get my luggage weighed, for which I have to pay almost as much as Examination of Baggage.- Questions in German: answer in dumb for myself.
show, like a pantomime. We have too much luggage for one trap, so I suddenly come upon Dyngwell in a smoking carriage. We are Captain goes on alone. He calls his coachman a Cockalorum, and the the only two-the Captain and myself-out of our original party, going man touches, his hat. I feel somehow desolate : wish I hadn't come. to Aix. He informs me that CHILVERN received some money this Everything looks dreary. I think of FRIDOLINE, and the baby with morning from London. End of CHILVERN.
the rash, and my mother-in-law at Brighton. Wish I'd gone with I make a point of asking the guard at every station, whether we them. But as I have come all this way to find out whether I've got change here. Nothing
like being certain. DYNGWELL wants to know latent rheumatic gout anywhere about me or not, I am determined to how long we wait at Liège. I advise him (knowing his peculiar go through the ordeal, whatever it may be. I am put into a flyFrench) to ask the Guard. The result is that the Captain addresses such a machine! Three miles an hour, and an unwashed coachman him thus: “Hi, Old Cockalorum, do we stop the waggon here, eh?" in a glazed hat. Destination, L'Hôtel du Grand Monarque. Sounds
. Cockalorum returns some answer, and DYNGWELL asks me what he First Observation in Note-Book.-Strasse means street. Mem. Will said. I interpret it as, “We hardly stop here five minutes." The learn German while here. We descend the broad Theater-Strasse. result is, in point of fact, that we don't go on again for nearly balf an Happy Thought. Then there's a Theater here. hour. After ten minutes DYNGWELL decides upon going to the buffet. We pass a large hotel-we pass a colonnade. More hotels—plenty He immediately asks for bitter beer loudly, and gets it at once. I can't of people about : nearly all, apparently,
English. make up my mind whether it's more Continental to take coffee
and a Second Observation. That at the first glance Aix has a highly recigarette, or vin ordinaire and some roast chicken. I have decided spectable appearance, but not gay. upon the former, and am trying to attract a garçon, when DYNGWELL The Hotel at last : courtyard as usual-very fine place. Like a says,
“ time's up: the bulgine's on again." Bulgine with him means courtyard. I descend : a bel rings-sort of alarm of visitors. More “Engine;
” but I somehow fancy that he imagines it to be French. I bells. Two porters, an under-waiter, a head-waiter (evidently, though remark that everyone (with the exception of such Cockalorums as the more like a Low-Church Curate in an open waistcoat), and in the disGuard, who rather stands on the dignity of his uniform, I imagine) tance on the stairs two chambermaids come out to receive me. Foreunderstands the Captain's English, while they don't seem to get on see donations to all these
when I leave. very well with my French. DYNGWELL
notices this too.
Happy Thought.-Commence in French (French carries you everyHappy Thought.—To explain it to him thus, that these are Belgians, I where) Je désire une chambre au seconde, et
Immediate Reply of the Low-Church Curate. — “Yes, Sir, if you 'll step up this way, I will show you." Very annoying. If you want to CHRISTMAS KEEPING AND CHRISTMAS speak another language than your own, merely for practice, they won't
BREAKING, The Head-Waiter insists upon my taking rooms on the first, instead “ The whole of Tuesday was occupied at the different Police Courts in of the second floor, as the season is just ending, and it will be all investigating the usual “ drunk and disorderly' charges arising out of Christmas the same.
He leaves me, and enter the Chambermaid. She smiles, and Boxing-Day festivities." —Newspaper paragraph, kept stereotyped. and addresses me in her own native tongue-German. She is asking
· CHRISTMAS comes but once a year," me, l, imagine, from her thumping the bed and then putting a
So by all means let us be jolly, question, whether I am going to bed now. Good gracious, it's only five o'clock.
Over turkey and beef and plum-pudding,
Mince-pies, mistletoe, and holly, Happy Thought.-Nein.
Poor relations and family dinners, This I fancy sounds rough, so I soften it off with Merci. She is now
And schoolboys' holiday folly. putting another question, this time with a jug in her hand. Evidently, will I have some water. I distinguish the word wasser,
Let's indulge our children with PantomimésHappy Thought.— Yah-adding with a smile, "X'il vous plaît.” Another
Till common sense destroy themquestion from her. Wasser again, but this time she mentions Hice.
Christmas sweetmeats and Christmas sentiment,wasser. Iced-Water? Nein, on nó account, merci, thank you. But I
In the hope that neither may cloy them : should like some-some-(I want to say warm water for my hands).
Christmas bills, and Christmas boxes, Why isn't there one universal language, say, English ?
Let's endure, if we can't enjoy them. Happiest Thought.—To say Warm Wasser. She is intelligent, p’raps
But oh, Pater and Mater Familiasshe's heard Englishmen try this before, for she replies laughing good
Above all, P. and V. of “the masses," naturedly (as if I had said something not quite proper, but which she
Whom to flatter sky-high Southwark candidates vie, would look over as only attributable to my ignorance of the language)
Not "working,” but “lower” classes ! Varm-vasser.'
Say, why at this season your boasted reason Happy Thought.—“Oui, I mean yes, rah, Varm-vasser." She
into swinish un-reason passes ?
In the name of Modern Enlightenment, Note. It's a great thing to have the command of a language. Within
Franchise, and Education, half an hour of my arrival I have mastered three words. Strasse is
Oh, broad-spread base of the pyramid, street, Wasser is water, Warm is warm; and I establish one rule, that
Oh, brawn and thews of the nation, w” is pronounced like “v.".
Why, on Tuesday after Boxing-Day, I recollect, when travelling a long time ago, that Yahzo means a
This flood of intoxication ? good deal. Try it presently, and watch the result. After unpacking, go out and examine the town. Although I've
Can it be that the Slough of Despond never been here in my life, I seem to have seen it all before, some
Not narrowed, but broader and broader lies, where. Excellent shops : large restaurant. No out-of-door seats and
Where the angel that lives with the brute in us, tables. Those who are not English are in uniform, at least so it seems
On the wrong side the brute's border lies, at first. Men in uniform are wheeling barrows, men in uniform are
That last Tuesday's English Police Courts driving carts, men in uniform are saluting superior uniforms with
Were gorged with “Drunk and disorderlies"? epaulettes. To the English eye the town appears to be garrisoned by
Shall Punch smooth down the working-men our postmen. Becoming accustomed to them, you gradually pick out
With the soft-soap of hustings' hypocrisy? the officers. Everybody is smoking, except the ladies, of course. The
Shall he hail them as the ideal toilettes here are not remarkable.
Of Pare and Progressive Democracy ? In the Theater-Strasse an enormous building is guarded by a very
The best model and example small sentry, Think the building is a bank, or a post-office. He the
For a "Bloated Aristocracy”? small sentry) carries a big gun in a slouching way, and occasionally stops to look at nothing in particular, with one hand in his pocket.
No-he positively can't do it, Servant-maids walk about like the Parisian grisettes in clean-looking
In the face of the facts about him : caps, generally carrying a basket, and an umbrella. Umbrellas are
With their Christmas carols still ringing popular. I meet a large sprinkling of the clerical element in
In Police charge-sheets to flout him ; chimney-pot hats with narrow brims. The Don Basilio type is not
If he did, they'd be the first, here. Sisters of Charity (also with baskets and umbrellas) in'plenty,
They know they would, to scout him. all looking particularly cheerful and happy. In the window of a bookseller's shop I see a Manual of Conversation in Four Languages.
We ought all to be ashamed of ourselves,
High and low, and gentle and simple : Happy Thought.-Buy it.
While the face of our civilisation With this purchase I return to the Grand Monarque. The Head
Is foul with grog-blossom and pimple, Waiter, who is politeness itself, begs me to inscribe my name in a book.
And our Christmas cheer is a curse and a leer,
Instead of a prayer and a dimple.
OUR GROWING METROPOLIS. well.” I am flattered. “Indeed?” I return, thinking of DYNGWELL. It's rather nice of Dyngwell if he has done this; I really did not that they have to bear when paying country visits. What is called
Men who live in London are often heard complaining of the labour imagine he had such an appreciation of literature. Yes,” the Head-Waiter continues, with his peculiar accent, “I remember him one must drive a dozen miles or so to meet a dozen people, and the
County Society” is in very many cases so scattered and remote, that well in London, in 'Olborn. Name well known. I am glad to see chance is, after all, that one has a dismal dinner. But in London even you here, Sir.”
something of the same kind is experienced, and we easily may proI don't live in Holborn, and I never had any association with the phesy, by looking at this estimate, how much in half a century the place. Is it possible that 'my intention of publishing has got about, nuisance will increase :and that even this waiter -No, it can't be. He goes on to explain. I find that he has mistaken the spelling, and has confounded me
" It is assumed that in thirty-nine years hence nearly fifty square miles of (confound him!) with a Large Cheap Tailor's Establishment. An- now open country about the Metropolis will be covered with houses for the
accommodation of the then population.” noying, but lucky I discover it in time.
Besides the trouble and annoyance of visiting one's friends when
they choose to live in suburbs about fifty miles away from one, there A Dove in Duck's Plumage.
is the added nuisance foreshadowed by this estimate that in a few years
hence no Londoner can dream of taking country exercise, or of getting The Continental papers call the hoax_asserting that France had air to breathe which will be anything like fresh. At present there are proposed a general disarmament of the European Powers, the “dis- walks within a reasonable distance, through fields and lanes which are armament canard.” Should not canard be colombe?
not blackened yet by smoke. But in a score or so of years one will have to travel a score or so of miles before one will be able to look at a
green hedge. Houses, houses everywhere will be then the rule, and The Best Note PAPER.–Bank of England.
not a spot to walk on except the noisy streets.
ITH Seasonable" weather
Old Father Christmas starts.
But help to soften hearts :
If the chill, that gives a relish
To rich folk's warmth and cheer,
Clothes nor coals, beef nor beer:
Enjoy furs, food, and flame,'
“And help Want to do the same :
From finger-top to nose,
That in kindly action glows:
And the hoarier the rime,
For the blessed Christmas time.
THE RAILWAY BLOCKHEAD
SYSTEM. UNDER the appropriate heading of “Railway Intelligence,” we see it announced that
“The Midland Railway, will in future be worked on the block system.”
The block system ensures well nigh perfect safety from collisions, and is therefore vastly preferable to the stupid blockhead system which upon most railways has hitherto prevailed. The blockhead system has consisted in cutting down expenses to the very lowest point, and trusting to good fortune for escaping from bad accidents. The signals most in vogue upon the blockhead system have been signal inefficiency and signal want of common sense. Guards and drivers have been overworked, and pointsmen tired to death, and then accidents have happened and heavy damages have been paid. False economy has been the rule upon the blockhead system, and good dividends the exception, if the accounts have not been cooked.
For the more it asks fulfilment
Of the law embodied then,
And goodwill towards men.”
Montaigne and Ultra-Montane. MONTAIGNE'S Essays have often had the honour of translation, and now Ultra-Montane's essays are about to receive the same honour, by the translation of ARCHBISHOP MANNING—to the Cardinalate.
Tell Education Councillors and Committee-men, Sir, that it may be CRAMMING AT HOME AND AT SCHOOL.
worth their while to consider whether genius or mediocrity would be MR. PUNCH,
likely to gain the greater number of marks by answering the kind of The 'Christmas Holidays may be described, not untruly, as a questions proposed by ordinary examiners ? Also whether high powers season of cramming. The season of cramming it cannot so truly be of thought are not absolutely unfavourable to that exertion of the called, because there are other seasons of cramming. The school-days merely acquisitive memory imposed by the cramming system. But I
are seasons of cramming equally with the Christmas must not cram your attention with philosophy which you need not to Holidays. Only, whereas the latter constitute å season of cramming be taught; and whereof, especially in the presence of the pantomimes, for the stomach, the former are seasons in which the mind is wont to a little goes a great way with
many people who mostly do not think be crammed.
like you, Mr. Punch, and perhaps think even less than your humble The effects of cramming the stomach, Sir, are bad enough; but the correspondent,
EARLSWOOD. stomach, Mr. Punch, can, in a measure, take care of itself. It can put P.S. Many Happy New Years. in force an Alien Act, provided by Nature for the expulsion of matters which affect it in the relation of hostile foreign bodies. But the mind is unable to deal with undigested and indigestible facts as
MORE NEW THEATRES ! the stomach deals with greasy plum-pudding, mince-pies, twelfth-cake, and the rest of all the unwholesome varieties of Christmas fare. It OLD fogies often talk of the decline of the drama, and say that may fail, indeed, to retain them, but it does not, in rejecting them, nobody cares nowadays to spend an evening at the theatre. But expel their effects. For you cram the mind through the brain, and in somebody must entertain a different opinion, or we should not find so doing overwork the brain. Pardon me, Sir. Not you. They-the put forward such intelligence as this :crammers.
“New THEATRES. In addition to the theatre now building in the Strand, Moreover, the youthful stomach, if not too young, will stand much we hear the Coliseum will be opened as an opera, and be connected with the more cramming, in proportion, than the brain which it recruits with Metropolitan Railway. A theatre and winter-garden will shortly be connourishment. A full-grown school-boy will eat more with impunity, structed on the site of Savile House, and we believe that a new theatre is in for the present at least, than your friend, MR. ALDERMAN, who is over- progress of erection in Sloane Square, to meet the wants dramatic of the grown. But the boy's brain is in a less finished state than his stomach ; playgoers in Belgravia.” is not yet developed : is tender, irritable, unequal to hard work. Accordingly, Mr. Punch, you have seen it stated, on good authority, music-halls where performers, of some sort, come nightly on the stage.
There are over thirty theatres open now in London, and over forty one, at least, of the candidates at the last examination at Wool. Yet Belgravia "wants” a theatre, at least so we are informed, and wich has been prostrated by a brain fever,” and that another has died Leicester Square another, at least so we may infer that the designer since the examination commenced, his death having been probably doubtless thinks. Well, the more the merrier-at any rate we will
accelerated, if not indirectly caused by the severe mental strain which hope so. But as for this place or the other wanting” a new playhe had undergone in cramming up for the numerous subjects it has house, convenient to itself, we fear such multiplication may prove to been thought necessary for candidates to get up.” For a sprained be vexation, not merely to the managers but the playgoers as well. ankle or strained muscles there are opodeldoc and arnica, Şir; but Centralise your actors, and you get your plays well acted, and your what liniment or lotion can you or any other Physician prescribe for a theatres will pay: but if you scatter them about in Brixton and mental strain ? Blue-pill and black reviver, and so forth, may, remedy Belgravia, in Kensington and Kennington, in Hampstead and in the effects of a surfeit; but “what rhubarb, senna, or what” similar Houndsditch, your stars will be dispersed, and haply cease to shine, “drug” (as a reader of SHAKSPEARE would say to a nice audience) and your taste for things theatrical will daily grow debased. will cure brain fever brought on by repletion of the mind ?
By the way, SHAKSPEARE was never crammed. MILTON was never crammed. Bacon, NEWTON, DAVY, FARADAY, were never crammed.
The Right Man in the Right Place. You were never crammed, Sir. What great poet or philosopher have we that has been crammed? Are we likely to have one when everybody
THE Secretary-General of the Ecumenical Council is MONSIGNOR shall have been crammed! And is it not credible that some of the FessLER. The name is German, derived from fesseln," and means greatest men the world has ever known, would have been plucked if
one who puts on fetters.” they had had to pass a competitive examination ? Then, Mr. Punch, the world would bave known still less of its greatest men than the little AQUATICS.-Neither the Thames, nor the_Cam, nor the Isis, is the which, as you know, it knows now.
proper river for a "scratch but the Itchen.
PREDICTIONS FOR 1870.
THE CORRECTED EDITION OF THE HON. HAMILTON THERE will be the usual number of seasons, five-Spring, Summer,
FISH'S DESPATCHES. Autumn, Winter, and the London; and probably an extra one at the
Fish's statement but fishy Opera.
Uncle Sam must confess, Peace will be generally maintained, but there will be engagements in
If read after leaving all quarters of the world.
The Clarendon Press.
In claims, dates, facts and figures
Set right, without quarter, West.
Let him own that H. F.
Is a Fish out of Water !
SUPERFLUOUS COMMISSIONS. troublesome.
MACAULAY's New Zealander, MOLIÈRE's Frenchman who had been We read that the Fathers of the Council have been called upon to talking prose all his life without knowing it, SYDNEY SMITH's bishop elect four Commissioners to deal with questions of who has yet to be roasted alive in a railway carriage, MRS. GRUNDY, MRS. PARTINGTON, with her mop, the British Lion and Constitution,
1st. Dogma. and other old friends, will be all about again and get into the papers.
2nd. Discipline. The camp at Wimbledon will be bigger than ever, the cattle at the
3rd. The Regular Orders. Cattle Show fatter than ever, the streets of London dirtier than ever,
4th. Oriental Rites. the Christmas pantomimes more gorgeous than ever, the feminine What can the Council want with Commissioners to deal with these fashions more wonderful than ever, the Boat Race, the Derby, and the questions, seeing that as toRoyal Academy, more crowded than ever, the girls prettier than everand Mr. Punch wittier than ever.
Ist. Dogma, there can be no question, inasmuch as there is but one dogma to be insisted upon which includes all others—Infallibility.
2nd. As to Discipline. There can be no question about this, see
ing that the discipline required need but be the strictest possible to The Vatican and Fleet Street.
ensure that no members of the Council claims or exercises a will of SEVERAL Correspondents have written to ask what “The Congregation of the Index,” is which they have lately seen mentioned in the
3rd. The Regular Orders. There can be no question about thispapers. There are two, one abroad at Rome, the other at home; the so long as the only regular orders for the members of the Council latter consisting of the collection of persons who have the honour to be are, to open their ears and shut their eyes, and take what the POPE found in the Index to each of Mr. Punch's Volumes.
shall send them.
4th. Oriental Rites. There can be no question about this, inasmuch
as in presence of the POPE, there are, for all other members of the THE ENDS OF JUSTICE.-A Cat-o'-Nine-Tails.
Council, or the Church, no Oriental rights, or Occidental rights either.