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LOYDOY: BRADUURY, AONEW, & co., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARA.

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SCENE-The Thames out Henley way. MR. PUNCH discovered lazily lolling in a Skiff moored among the reeds. Toby dutifully

imitating his Master in uncompromising dolce far niente. To them enter hastily, and fresh from London, the FIRST LORD of the TREASURY. Premier. Ah ! found you at last, my dear PUNCH! Whoof! I wired you. Why didn't

you answer ? Punch. Telegrams never come here, where I loll, like the mighty God Pan, Sir,

“ Down in the reeds by the river.”
Premier.

Advice, many-counselled ULYSSES—-
Punch (yawning). Rather not turn on that tap in a Lotos-land lovely as this is.
Still if it must be, it must. Only first try another potation.

[Passes tankard.
Premier. Thanks ! I must catch the next train up to London; and so
Punch.

Botheration !
No House to-night! Take it easy!
Premier.

You 're lazy, yet cute as a Q.C.
I've run down to seek your advice ; I am sure you will give it in nuce.
Punch. Palaver in June-on the river! By Phoebus, the thing lacks congruity!
Premier. Sir, in evading the point, you 're displaying a Turk's ingenuity.
Punch. Terrible wriggler, the Ottoman ; many more shifts than old Merlin.

Wonder if joint-stock coercion will bring him to book now at Berlin ?
Premier. That is just one of the points that I wanted-
Punch.

By Jove, look at TOBY! A
Tidy cool hand is that tyke; he will never invite hydrophobia.

Twig him there stretched on his back! 'Tis a capital antiphlogistic.
Premier. Yes, but the Porte-
Punch.

A

propos, try the Claret Cup. Dreamily mystic
That haze on the--dickens, man ! don't jump like that! This is not a Dutch lugger. .

Seen Anne-Mie, by the way?
Premier.

No.
Punch.

I 'll just shift this cushion. That's snugger!
BEERSMAN 's not bad, I assure you.
Premier.

Well-passing such topics extraneous-
What do you think of our Note?

The identic and-hum-simultaneous ?

a

Punch.

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Hope it may prove the right key-note of Harmony. Ah! if the Powers
Their Plenipos mustered down here, 'midst the reeds and forget-me-not flowers,

I'd settle the three points” like winking.
Premier.

Well, first for the Turco-Greek frontierPunch. This is not the " Answärtige Amt." Better far in a skiff or a punt here,

Tomah! what a glorious sunset! By Phæbus, it's really magnificent ! Premier. Punce, if I but had

my

will Punch.

I much fear I should be in a jiffy sent
Straight to that dull Wilhelmstrasse,—in June ! My objection 's emphatic.

Much nicer to watch my float bobbing than listen to jaw diplomatic.
Premier (glumly). Your counsel is commonly ready, but
Punch (reassuringly).

Pshaw! my sweet WILLIAM, don't hurry!
And when did your Punchius fail you? What is it?
Premier (deprecatingly).

I fear I'm a worry.
But as to Coercion-Obstruction-Rad Hobbies bad Ottoman habits-
SIR BARTLE and BRADLAUGH—Scotch bigots—hot HARCOURT—the Hares and the Rabbits-
That task for a modern God Terminus, Thessaly way-and those Tories,
Who swear in one breath we're both stealing and turning our backs on their glories,–

Why really, my cool-puffing PUNCH, there are so many points, that-
Punch.

No doubt of it.
A pretty tight fit, Sir, all round; but, my WILLIAM, you know the way out of it.
Principle, patience, and pluck. Oh come, come, my stout veteran, verily,
Spite of your seventy summers, you seem to have started right merrily.

Peg away. Puzzled ? Pooh! pooh !-you 're so modest.
Premier.

Of course your approval,
In principle, lightens the load, but 'twould hasten the burden's removal

If hints as to details-
Punch (rousing himself). Here goes then! A batch of new brooms, you 're expected

To sweep very clean, and already a good deal of dirt you 've detected;
But would you the Padishah squeeze without putting the Powers at jangles-
Get Tory intrigue out of hobbles, and Tory finance out of tangles-
And scumfish the hosts of O'DONNELL, and drive half the crotchets to Sheitan,
And—do all the other stiff jobs that the Pigmies expect from a Titan-
You

may, it is true, need a “tip” or two. Take them, in bulk and in brightness,
Sweetness and Light' quintessentialised, Art without queerness or "quite-ness,"
Portable pithy omniscience, encyclopedian wisdom,
Smartness unspoiled by the taint of the Cockney Cad's realm of Cheap Fizz-dom;
Statesmanship's true Vade Mecum, 'Time's chronicle wrought with conciseness,
And writ in a manner most trenchant, a style that, for terseness and niceness,
Would take the shine out of THUCYDIDES, stump smart MACAULAY, or bowl HUME,
Take-need I mention the Masterpiece ?-take Punch's

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December 12, 1879.]

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THE
THE

CAD'S CALENDAR. CAD'S CALENDAR.

April.
March.

APRIL! All Fools' Day's MARCH ! I'm nuts upon

a proper time. a windy day,

Cop old gurls and guy Gurls do git in such a

old buffers prime.

Scissors ! don't they Petticoats yer know, and

goggle and look blue pooty feet; Hair all flying-tell you

When you land them it's a treat.

with a regular “do”?

Lor! the world would Pancake day. Don't like

not be worth a mivvey, 'em-flabby, tough,

If there warn't no fools Rayther do a pennorth

to cheek and chivy. o'plum-duff.

Then comes Easter. Got Seediness shows up as

some coin in 'and, Spring advances, Ah! the gurls do lead

Trot a bonnet out and

do the grand us pretty dances.

FAN all flounce and Days a-lengthening.

flower; fellows mad Think I spotted FAN Casting sheep's eyes at

Heye us henvious; nuts another man.

to me, my lad. Quarter-day, too,

'Ampstead l 'Ampton !

Which is it to be ? more chance of tick. Fancy I shall'ave to cut

FAN- no flat - prefers

the Crystal P. my stick. Got the doldrums dread

Nobby togs, high jinks,

and lots o' lotion, ful, that is clear.

That's the style to go Two d. left l-must go and do a beer!

it, I've a notion !

GOLDEN - WEDDING SUGGESTIONS FOR

GIFTS.-A wig, a pair SONG-TITLES.

of crutches, and a set

of false teeth. FOR Borrowers.

du Maunen

MEMORANDUM Always a loan !” For Ladies

MARCH.—Mariners, on loving Shopping.-" The sweet A DIALOGUE BETWEEN THREE MALCONTENTS.

St. David's Day, look out buy and buy." The Hunted Hare. “I DO CALL IT HARD TO BE CHIVIED ABOUT AS I AM. I OWN I'M NICE TO EAT, WITH CURRANT

for leaks. For passée Beauties. - JELLY, AND MAKE SCRUMPTIOUS SOUP! BUT IT'S NOT FOR

THAT; IT'S BECAUSE
I'M GOOD AT RUNNING AWAY!"

A SECRET FOR THE
The Chained St. Bernard. “AT ALL EVENTS, YOU'RE FREE TO GET ABOUT AND SEE THE WORLD BEFORE YOU'RE
The Song of the Old CAUGHT HERE nave ToBEEN CHAINED UP IN THIS BEASTLY YARD FOR TEN YEARS, AND I'VE ONLY GOT TWO MORE SCHOOL OF COOKERY. —
Belle."

I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD-HANG IT ALL I-AND THEN MARRY, AND SETTLE ! For Disappointed The Wounded Pigeon. "DON'T YOU TALK ! LOOK AT ME! Two DAYS AGO, I WAS SHOT IN BOTH LEGS BY A DUFFER, How to curry favour.

LUSH-US FRUIT.
Sportsmen. - Never AND, LIKE A Fool, FLEW AWAY! I'VE BEEN FLYING EVER SINCE, FOR I CAN'T WALK, AND I CAN'T SIT, AND I CAN'T LIE
Moorl"
DOWN, AND I DAREN'T FLY HOME! Oh! Oh! Oh! VIVISECTION'S A JOKE TO THIS.

The Grape.
CULOROFORM !”

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