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Fal. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. Bard. Come in, woman.
Enter Mrs. QUICKLY.
Quick. By your leave; I cry you mercy: Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal. Take away these chalices: Go brew me a pottle of sack finely.
Bar. With eggs, sir?
Fal. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. Exit Bardolph-How now?
Quick. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from mistress Ford.
Fal. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough: I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. Quick. Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault; she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
Fal. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.
Quick. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and pine. I must carry her word quickly she'll make you amends, I warrant you
Fal. Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.
Quick. I will tell her.
Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou ?
Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Quick. Peace be with you, sir!
Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent
me word to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
Ford. Bless you, sir!
Fal. Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife?
Ford. That, indeed, sir John, is my business.
Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford. And how sped you, sir?
Fal. Very ill-favour'dly, master Brook.
Ford. How so, sir? Did she change her determination?
Act 3. Fal. No, master Brook: but the peaking cornuto her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our en counter, after we had embraced, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.
Ford. What, while you were there?
Fal. While I was there.
Ford. And did he search for you,and could not find you? Fal. You shall hear. As good fuck would have it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, by her invention, and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket!
Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: ramm'd me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell, that ever offended
Ford And how long lay you there?
Fal. Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane; they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who ask'd them once or twice, what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have search'd it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away went I_for_foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master Brook: I suffer'd the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bellweather: next, to be compass'd, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head and then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that, a man of my kidney,—think of that; that am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stew'd in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that,-hissing hot,-think of that, master Brook.
Ford. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffer'd all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more?
Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master Brook.
Ford. Tis past eight already, sir.
Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convénient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crown' with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit.
Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets!-Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house he cannot 'scape me: 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad. [Exit.
SCENE I. The Street.
Enter Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. QUICKLY, and WILLIAM. Mrs. Page. Is he at master Ford's already, think'st thou?
Quick. Sure, he is by this; or will be presently: but, truly, he is very courageous_mad, about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
Mrs. Pag. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young man here to school: Look, where his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter Sir HUGH EVANS.
How now, sir Hugh? no school to-day?
Eva. No; master Slender is let the boys leave to play. Quick. Blessing of his heart!
Mrs. Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you, ask him soine questions in his accidence.
Eva. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. Mrs. Page. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master, be not afraid.
Eva. William, how many numbers is in nouns ? Will. Two.
Quick. Truly, I thought there had been one num. ber more; because they say, od's nouns.
Eva. Peace your tatlings. What is fair, William ?
Quick. Poulcats! there are fairer things than poal. cats, sure.
Eva. You are a very simplicity 'oman; I pray you, peace. What is Lapis, William?
Will. A stone.
Eva. And what is a stone, William ?
Will. A pebble.
Eva. No,it is Lapis; I pray you remember in your prain.
Eva. That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?
Will. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hắc, học. Eva. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;-pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusative case? Wil. Accusativo, hinc.
Eva. I pray you, have your remembrance, child; Accusativo, hing, hang, hog.
Quick. Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. Eva. Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative case, William?
Will. O-vocativo, O.
Eva. Remember, William; focative is, caret.
Eva. 'Oman, forbear.
Mrs. Page. Peace.
Eva. What is your genitive case plural, William?
Will. Genitive case?
Will. Genitive,-horum, harum, horum.
Quick. 'Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her !-never name her, child, if she be a whore. Eva. For shame, 'oman.
Quick. You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hic and to hac, which they'll do fast enough of themselves: and to call horum:-fie upon you!
Eva. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish christian creatures, as I would desires.
Mrs. Page. Pr'ythee, hold thy peace.
Eva.. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.
Will. Forsooth, I have forgot.
Eva. It is ki, ka, cod; if you forget your kies, your kes, and your cods, you must be preeches. Go your ways, and play, go.
Mrs. Page. He is a better scholar than I thought he
Eva. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, mistress Page.
Mrs. Page. Adieu, good sir Hugh. [Exit Sir Hugh] Get you home, boy.-Come, we stay too long. [Exeunt.
SCENE 11-A Room in FORD's House.
Enter FALSTAFF and Mrs. FORD.
Fal. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance: I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it, But are you sure of your husband now?
Mrs. Ford. He's a birding, sweet sir John. Mrs. Page. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford! what hoa!
Mrs. Ford. Step into the chamber, sir John.
Enter Mrs. PAGE.
Mrs. Page. How now, sweetheart? who's at home besides yourself?
Mrs. Ford. Why, none but mine own people.
Mrs. Ford. No, certainly :-Speak louder. [Aside. Mrs. Page. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
Mrs. Ford. Why?
Mrs. Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses