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broke into a few of their houses, way
I have shewn you what little you have to fear from your enemies the Principle acts as it goes-you will have a level road free from all obstructions. But let us revert to the requirements of your Governors, whom wemay now entitle the "Sovereign People," and let us trace the shadows of coming events.
still make it of some use for popularity, by founding it upon a breach-ofcontract-principle. You will therefore sagaciously attack the Funds and the Colonies-no matter how trifling the concern Cape wines, for instance, or Canada timber. The commencement of the breach-of-contract system will be sure to give the budget a redeeming quality in the eyes of your Governors, and thus you will get out of the scrape, whatever comes of the budget. And, after all, if it comes to the worst, you may throw your blunders on the inexperience in office of a young adventurer, who may possibly through his friends, or in his own person, reap some advantages from the measures, as a set off for the disgrace he must endure.
You must likewise make promises of surplus revenue, which you well know cannot be; and when the truth comes out, it will be easy to swear the minus to be preferable to the plus, and boast that the money is in the people's pocket, on the fructifying principle. It will undoubtedly require some face to say this, as every man will naturally enough put his hand in his pocket to find the money, but in vain; yet, being your Governors, they will thank you for your good intentions, and hope it is really fructifying somewhere. Just before this exposure, contrive to a few hints about Abolition of Tithes and the Ruin of the Church, and be sure that Hume will not notice any errors in your accounts-and you will be safe. Indeed, upon any difficulty generally, you have only to give out that the Principle-Reform is in danger if you are beat,
You are now in power; some of the means that have brought you in may have been a little crooked, and occasion at first some little nicety of conduct. Far be it from me to blame such means; indeed, I have suggested most of them myself, and if there throw out be those who still taunt me with being the father of lies, you need not be afraid but that I will foster and take care of my own children.
You have certainly made large promises that you cannot fulfil, you must therefore balance this failure, by gi
ving in other points more than your defend you will be sure of
have promised. It will be a capital hit. It has been necessary,
have made it so yourselves for you
your delegate supporters in all absurdities.
you I need not point out the necessity of altering your whole foreign policy; if you have no other reason, that it has been established by the Tories is enough. Nor will you be dupes to out of date consistency. Thus, for instance, though you lay down the rule of non-intervention whenever, or wherever, there is a popular or rabble-rising revolution, insurrection, and things of this sort, which, if you manage well, will be everyday occurrences, interfere at once; and if you can but dethrone a Sove
should promise" unflinching economy." You are well aware that your predecessors have left you little to do in this way; however, you may make a shew of doing something. You must therefore repeal a few taxes at all hazards; and as it is evident, under these peculiar circumstances, that no budget can be overwise, you have, doubtless, taken car that no able financier shall have any hand in it. The folly of it will, after all, I fear, be apparent; but you may
reign and set up another, (if only with a paper crown,) it will be a glorious opportunity you will not lose.
By all means play into the hands of France, it will be a bold policy to sacrifice unsparingly the old interests of Old England; and the boldness will make it look like some scheme of deep wisdom. For it is manifest you ought to do every thing for a nation where the King is a puppet and the people govern. Having always, when the French were the bitterest enemies of your country, been their ardent admirers, throughout the Revolution and their tyranny, and ever having thwarted British measures, and sneered at the success of British arms, which you could not prevent, you will find now the less difficulty in bringing your minds to the sacrifice. This sacrifice once made, you will be reward ed by that nation marching as it were before you, and marshalling the way you should go in all great measures, leaving you nothing to do but the easy task of following. It will be very easy for you, notwithstanding that you are but letting France play her own game, and throwing down your cards as it were before her as her dumby, to appear extremely busy in your vocation, by the frequent in terchange of couriers, conveyance of letters, protocols, treaties, notifications, negotiations, and a thousand packets which it will not be necessary for you even to open, much less read, while the French minister has a carte blanche. You may even send over chosen and discreet persons of certain political and religious predilections (this you will never forget) to examine into the French system of book-keeping, for all must be as much French as possible, and it will be the means of putting a thousand pounds or so into one or two worthy men's pockets, and my particular friends. In one word, you must, while you are really doing nothing, affect to be very busy, and imitate the extravagance of the philosopher who went rolling about his tub, that he might not appear idle. It is not worth while to say more about foreign policy: in all emergencies consult Talleyrand, he has served all parties-knows all sides-you cannot therefore put yourselves into
better hands-and you will be thus saved the trouble and responsibility of thinking.
The Home Department will not require much of your care; "let alone," is the rule; do not act until your Governors direct you, and then just as they direct you.
I have, from the commencement of this paper, presupposed that you have already brought into play the great measure which we agreed upon-Reform as a bonus offered to your Governors, to induce them to become your guardians, to insure you your places. Cherish your Reform Bill the Magna Charta of thieves, vagabonds, profligates, contempers of law, despisers of religion-that Bill, which will even make these desperadoes and terrors of all other governments, not only innocuous, but the very prop and stay of yours. Look not for difficulties; hungry though they be, they will be more easily fed than you imagine; and it is a bold policy if you can but turn them out upon the Tories, against whom they may expend their natural fury, and lift up their hands and voices in plaudits to you. They are, in truth, like hungry hounds, that will be satisfied with a tolerable carcass now and then, but, for the most part, can be kept in running condition on windy expectation, and an occasional fling of raw flesh. Even Cerberus may be pacified with a sop.
You must of course expect some opposition from your present Parliament; you will, therefore, with or without reason, take offence at something it may do or say; however you may adopt afterwards the very things for which you dismiss them, turn them out, and this will give an opportunity for the display of the power of the mobs, which in fact is yours. The bludgeon, the brick-bat, and the placard, will secure all you will want. You will have delegates, fair substitutes, considering the times, for the more complete Parliament which the Reform Bill will ultimately introduce, when, excepting the counties which will become your own boroughs, the House may perchance contain a set of contemptible wretches, who, from their utter ignorance, can never taunt you with your political blunders. As long as you pay due regard to the people,
your Governors, they will send you a very submissive gentry; however you may be ashamed of them, you must put a good face upon the matter; but, in truth, it will be a strange sight to see the new delegates entering the metropolis, and will perchance remind you of your old nur sery rhymes
"Hark, hark, the dogs do bark,
The beggars are coming to town,
But none in velvet gown."
But lest Parliaments should at any time be troublesome, you will do well, as a great statesman said, to "call a new world into existence." By all means, therefore, set up a sort of opposition Parliament in Birmingham, with the privilege of branch Parliaments elsewhere, and with this you must be in constant correspondence-must bandy compliments. They will be seditious enough, but what is that to you? Flatter them, even though they threaten not to pay taxes; you cannot well do otherwise, knowing you have yourselves instigated them. I have furnished them myself with ample means of annoying the Tories, have supplied them with a "black list," which will make even you stare. They will circulate it largely, and you will not be so foolish as to take any notice of it, even though it should be the means of immolating a few old Tories on the altar of liberty. Flatter these new Parliaments, and they will keep the delegates in your own, in check.
I must now, for a while, discuss a very important matter the Press. What is the Vessel of the State, or any other vessel, without its boatswain; and what is he without his speaking trumpet? You must have the "Ship, a-hoy" blusterer. The Press must be the mouthpiece of your Governors-the People: it is through the Press their dictates must be given. In this, too, I can essentially serve you. You see I have somewhat the pen of a ready writer, and you will easily acknowledge the force of my style in the Times, the Chronicle, the Globe, Examiner, &c. And it is hard indeed, if I and the Lord Chancellor cannot put our heads together, and write admirable panegyrics upon your government,
that shall lift you into the seventh heaven. But you cannot expect the Press to be quite disinterested; you must therefore, in your Reform Bill, offer them the bribe of at least eight new places for Members for London, which they will fill themselves, or command; and they will so outbully all that ever bullied, out-swear all that ever swore, that they will lose their senses in the ecstasy of their own delirium, till they rave of Liberty, Slavery, Chains, Wretches, Tories, Aristocrats, a Virtuous Ministry, a Ruined Nation, Tithes, Rats, Bishops, and Boroughmongers, and out-babel Babel the Great in the confusion of languages. This will they do with my and your help. You will wonder that it should be possible for some insignificant wretch, in his vulgar hole of a domicile, with his paltry pen to indite such marvels; but give him free scope for sedition, lay an injunction on the Attorney-General, and you shall see, I promise you, what England never yet saw. Lend but the light of your ministerial countenance, and the diminutive editor will rise to wonderful dimensions. He will work his phantasmagoria on the "broad sheet"-send but the light of your countenance, I repeat; nor is it required that it be very lu minous-a dull lantern and a whitened wall will turn the veriest cur into a terrific monster, and fools and children take the shadow of an insignificant mongrel for a lion. The Press is the mouthpiece of your Governors, to dictate what you are to do, and as long as you wisely do as you are bid, to record your praises. The Press will hold enchained in abject slavery, send to the gallies or gallows all that dare oppose you; and is it not for this very purpose that you have ever had in your mouths the "Liberty of the Press ?" Behold, by the simple adoption of my Principle, your ultimate, your complete triumph!
I must say a few words of Ireland; having travelled there much, having dwelt there, and having many very particular friends there, I cannot but feel considerable partiality for a country I have almost considered exclusively my own. Your Governors may be said to be many-headed, and doubt not one of the principal heads will ever be found there. Che
rish it as you would the apple of your eye. I have passed my word to the Papists—it must be done, you understand. I am unwilling to put on paper what perhaps all of yourselves may not fully know. But remember it must be done. I have communicated with Dr Doyle, and he has imported thousands of readymade pardons, to send his lamb-like followers as straight through purgatory to paradise, as from the confessional to outrage. Conspirators against Church and State must be pardoned-I have engaged for it. You will magnanimously not punish, but honour, the Arch-agitator, for he is King of the Beggars, and has numerous forces.
yourselves. well aware of; for you are not such fools as to set up for patriots, but in veriest mirth. You know the rewards of patriotism, or you will soon see them, when you shall behold the Conqueror of Waterloo hooted, hissed, and in danger of his life, and his house barricaded to guard its peace from your mobs. s. Thus will you overcome the great conqueror, and this is no little praise. But you will enjoy substantial benefits too you will secure places and offices to yourselves for life, and with little to do; and even if, contrary to your expectations, things should take rather a violent turn, you will not be be able to save your own, as you the malignant Tories or "Boroughmongering Faction." You have some among you, whose families once upon a time benefited pretty largely from aristocratic confiscation and church plunder-an evil name perhaps; but no bad thing. Besides, what can you do? You cannot stop the hurricane, or bring back the winds you have let out of the bag You are not so silly as to talk of weathering the storm, which you
have whistled with an evil wind to raise these last forty years. Weather the storm, indeed! Go along with the wind and tide, down the current; what matter where it leads you Happiness is not local, and the virneither here nor tue of the thing there. Fear not-go boldly for ward-follow my Principle strictly; and if you do not Whig a Whiggery that shall last longer than England is England, never trust to me more.
On, then, and prosper; if you must be busy, let it be to scatter about the seeds of dissent, that you may keep alive the Principle of Yielding, by always having something to give up to it. Whatever happens, you will thus make to yourselves friends of your mammon; and should you chance to lose here, I have ample estates in my dominions at your entire service. Now, then, go boldly to the Peers with your Bill; and even should it be possible that you are kicked out of the Upper House, I have a lower House to receive you, which, if it be not a regular House of Lords, will at least contain all the New Batch. And should you at any time be weary of office, and should you unfortunately, from events we cannot foresee, find the people are from their hearts wishing you at the devil, and you would shun the parade of resignation, I will not fail to be present with you; and be not alarmed if, in compliance rage, with the general wishes, I affect a and dismiss you myself. For, be assured, though I may be com pelled to kick you in the breech, it shall be done after the most received fashion of politeness, without the slightest injury to your persons; and wherever your fall and exit may be, rest satisfied that not a slipper shall be thrown up to testify of your abode.
I remain your sincere friend, admirer, and servant to command, de moda SATAN. weed this