AUGUST 17, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HAPPY THOUGHTS. M Aboard the Baron. versation: then I'll speak to him: he'll speak to me. Then I'll Mister Grinner asks the Captain, gruffly, 66 When shall we be at I set him down at once as a rude, unpolished man. He has not been a quarter of an hour on the Osy, and he walks up to the Caphold of the Stewardess tain, who is, as it were, by an agreeable fiction, his host, for the in a corner. My Aunt's time, and asks "When shall we be at Antwerp?" which really "Look here, I'm tired of this: why don't you get on and go general notion of steam-means, boat travelling is, either faster? When shall we be off this ship, and get rid of you, eh?" that you must go to bed Happy Thought.-Soften it down. The Captain is a foreigner, and at once, directly you get peculiarly courteous, so I feel that I should like to show him that the on board, or never. That, Grinner, as a boor, is an exceptional Englishman. Say jocularly, "O, in fact, once on deck we shan't be at Antwerp till seven or eight to-morrow morning-and," always on deck, or, once heartily, for the sake of the Captain, "I'm glad of it, for a pleain bed, always in bed. santer way of spending a good many hours"-being uncertain as to MILBURD, who has made the number of hours the ship is advertised to perform the voyage in, great friends with my I don't like to make any inuendo (still on account of the Captain) as a good many hours" Aunt in five minutes, to what time we ought to take, so merely say prevails upon her, as the "than on board a fine ship (compliment to the Captain) on a lovely ." The Grinner simply grins broader than before river is beautifully calm day, I don't know." and the day warm, to at me, as if the recollection of the circumstances in which he'd seen come on deck; and, as me in days gone by, was too much for him, and, shoving his hands he puts it, "keep com- into his overcoat pockets, he resumes his marching up and down pany with his Missus." without another word. Most irritating. He means sit with his 66 66 about Colonel Pig and Mister Turnips. Vide Dixon's 66 The Captain, who, by the way, has informed the Grinner that by wife, to whom we have seven A.M. we shall be at Antwerp, is now occupied in looking been introduced. "I through an opera-glass. shall never be able to go Happy Thought.-To talk to him on general subjects. Why not down again, I'm sure,' talk to a Captain on general subjects? Why be professional with a my Aunt says, seating Professional? You don't always talk about teeth to a Dentist. herself with her face to the wind, as if to be kept fresh by the breeze. Evidently it would be bad taste. By this rule, i.e., of never talking a plump-professionally with a professional, one would become deeply inteMRS. MILBURD is, as my Aunt describes her afterwards, ing little charm"-meaning a charming little plump person. "Very rested in agriculture when talking to a Naval Captain, about the pretty, with dimpley lovels-I should say "-she corrects herself Ballet with a Bishop, and about shipping with a Soldier. Happy Thought.-Sink the shop. In this case, sink the ship. with a look at me, as much as to imply that she is perfectly aware Might get something out of him of her mistake, and doesn't require my assistance "Very Wonder whether, when on shore, he's fond of farming. Perhaps 80; "in his cottage near the sea.' pretty, with lovely dimples in her hands, beautiful teeth, and I am sure, though I don't often admire people, she has the laughiest To lead up to the subject by asking him how he gets his vegetables if he's fond of the sea. The latter seems, considering pretty possible." ("Prettiest laugh," of course. on board, or, Johnsonary.) I admit all the praise, and only regret that his wife encourages MILBURD's nonsense by laughing at him. I thought his position, a little rude, so I am prepared to substitute, "I suppose marriage would have sobered him. It hasn't a bit. On the con- you stop on shore a good deal?" which, on consideration, appears command," and to be ruder than the other. Why not plunge in at once, and say, trary he's now got an audience which he can Aren't you rather tired of going invariably "carry with him." My Aunt asks MRS. MILBURD, by "Well, Skipper, how about Turnips?" I open the conversation with, way of commencing an appropriate subject, if she's a good sailor. MILBURD, who generally replies for her if he can, says that "His this voyage every week?" He regards me for one second, and then, Missus has been priming herself for the voyage for three days before- resuming his opera-glasses, replies simply, that he is not rather tired Several people come up to hand, and that the amount of chops and stout, andNow I want a question to follow. stops him laughingly, and owns to not being a good sailor. Then of it, and turns to speak, in Flemish, I fancy, to the Lieutenant. talk to the Captain. There seems to be a sort of idea, prevalent amongst all the steamboat passengers, that if you make friends with the Captain, it (whatever it is) will be all right. There are some Happy Thought.-Join in it, and tell them what a bad sailor men who always know the Proprietors of Hotels, the Drivers of I am. Better to prepare them, because if one isn't ill after all, Coaches, and the Captains of Ships, and pride themselves on the you get a reputation for being a capital sailor, for modesty in not knowledge. I don't remark that they get better treated than anyboasting of it, and for sympathy with the sufferings of others. At body else. MILBURD, for instance, always knows every one, or says "Been talking to the First Officer ?" he asks me. I reply this point MILBURD (at whom his wife laughs, admiringly, directly he he does. opens his mouth) suggests various remedies; among others, that (of "No, to the Captain."-"Well," he answers, "he is the First course) of staying on shore, and finally of keeping your head under Officer." Happy Thought.-Lucky I didn't address him as the Skipper. water, in a pail, for twenty minutes. My Aunt tells me apart that He reminds me," she says, Questions which everyone asks the Captain:MR. MILBURD is really very funny. of a MR.-dear me, what was his name? He propertied it for change some time afterwards, and went to France. Oh yes, of course, JONES MR. JONES. He was very droll, but I'm not quite sure that I don't prefer MR. ACKWORTH" (she means MILBURD) "MR. ACKWORTH'S fun to MR. JOKES's jones after all." (JOKES's jones, i.e., JONES's jokes. Vide Dixon's Johnsonary.) here she my Aunt tells her what a very bad sailor she is; and how it comes about that she is so; and under what circumstances she is worse at some times than at others. Happy Thought.-Get out of hearing of this conversation. Why can't people, on board a steamboat, find some other subject besides sea-sickness? It's just exactly the place where they oughtn't to talk about it. Go and converse with the Captain. The Northern Farmer is with him. He is asking, "Does he (the Captain) think it'll be a bad night?" The Captain doesn't. On the contrary, a very good night. It's a stupid question, because even if the Captain does think it'll be a bad night, one can't go back now. I notice a man, or rather a man notices me, as I am attracted towards him by his perpetual grin. Whenever he sees me [and he sees me every three minutes regularly, because he is walking up and down the deck and grinning whenever he catches my eye as he passes me] this grin seems to say "I know you. I recollect your doing, something or other, in past years, that I shan't forget in a hurry." I think I remember his face. But not his grin. Happy Thought.-Now find out who he is. Process. I'll speak to the Captain: he'll speak to the Captain: common subject of con 1. What time shall we arrive at Antwerp? (Answer uncertain.) 2. Does he (the Captain) think we shall have a calm passage? (Answer dependent upon whether before or after dinner or supper.) 3. When shall we be at sea? Also when do we dine? A matter of the deepest importance to those about to dine. The latter question was put most earnestly by my Aunt. On the answer being given, the questioner refers to his watch. [Happy Thought.-Dine at two. Not at sea till eight. Questioner decides to dine and dine well.] Festival of S. Guy. It is well suggested by the Times that from the beginning of August to the end of December seems "rather too long a period to be without any day of relaxation;" that is, for those clerks and others whose only secular holidays are the Bank Holidays. Business, perhaps, would not suffer very much if another day were conceded to them within the abovenamed period. What day shall it be? Now, here is a chance for MR. WHALLEY. Let the Honourable Member for Peterborough, some time during next Session, move that another day be added to the number of Bank Holidays, and that the additional Bank holiday be the Fifth of November. THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER. (For this Year only.) Advice gratis.-Passports, you will be told, are of no use now-adays. Don't believe it. The more Passports you have the better. The proof of this is the utter inability of everybody to answer the plain question, "Why didn't DocTOR LIVINGSTONE come back?" Why ? Simply on account of the Passport System on the one hand, and because he had lost his return-ticket on the other. DR. LIVINGSTONE is a precious stone, and we're glad he is a Living-stone; and this jeu de mot we present to Tourists as an excellent spice for casual conversation. We've got some more of the same sort, which can be communicated privately on sending name and address, and postage hour. Our new Portable Joke-Cutting Machine, easily carried in a stamps in advance-the price of these novelties being so much an hand-bag, can be had on application. Pleasant Tours.-Perhaps, on the whole, one of the pleasantest tours for August and September is first to Lisbon, where you can swell about and, in the slang of the day, "flash your linen," or, to put it poetically Lounge about Lisbon, Pull up your wristband, COLNEY-HATCH CANARD. up on ELLEN KING alias MARY MORRIS, brought remand at Richmond on Monday last week, charge on her own confession with having caused the dea of her sweetheart, FRANK MARTIN, by pushing hin into a lake in Richmond Park, was, after she had bee detained in custody several days, discharged pe evidence showing her to be of disordered mind. had said she "could point out the spot where he pushed FRANK into the water." It is remarkable thr the Richmond Police and Magistrates omitted to inquir about that in the first instance. Most persons reside within walking distance of Richmond are acquain with the ponds in Richmond Park well enough to k that, whatsoever may be their degree of depth in t middle, at the sides the majority of them are so shar that it would be impossible to drown a mouse there pushing it into the water, unless a pebble had been in tied to its neck. The Richmond Magistracy and Ca stabulary seem to be little versed in the topography: Richmond. Controversy and Curry. ACCORDING to the Calcutta Correspondent of the Ti the Bennett Judgment has been canvassed very w and with much excitement in India. The Rita controversy rages there even yet more violently th does among ourselves. These are comparatively more temperate latitudes than those of HER MAJE Oriental dominions; but then one would have expe that, in a climate so much hotter than that of Engi the whole question of Ritualism would have been rowed down to the point whether an officiating day man, obliged by the Rubric to wear a surplice, curt when he has that vestment on, to have anything else. The Anti-Philosopher. THE Noble Savage? Slighted HOOKER, F The Savage clearly, yes, but merely, see Him of fair name would substitution n For Noble Savage of Ignoble Snob? ANGLER'S MOTTO.- Carpe diem. A carpa d on our list. For Reserved Jokes special terms.) Our other about Portugal Street we keep back; but take this opportun informing our Subscribers that we know of a good thing with re ence to this last. Oranges will be your next pleasure at Lisbon, and we hope it v be very suck-cessful. We will avoid Spain at present, and merely stopping to through a glass at the Madeira, and to see the King with his S at Canary, we recommend the Tourist who has only a few days his disposal to cross the Equator as soon as possible. and walk about, if on land, until you see one of those num Method of Crossing the Equator.-You must sail about, if at stuck up corresponding exactly to the number marked on the lis the map. These numbers have been as carefully and systemati this advice may lead to consequences which students of the his appointed to their particular spots as have those of the house our London streets. The slightest deviation from, or neglect of MARCO POLO (the inventor of Hockey on Hacky), FERNAND lost none of its first attractions) will best know how to avoid. CAPTAIN COOK (whose excursionist system round the world has the coast of Africa, at sea, look out for the Nos. 10 and 30. shore, for No. 20, No. 30, No. 40. You'll find them first in y Atlas. All excellent establishments, and equally to be rece mended. Perhaps at No. 10 the sea-cooking is a trifle better the at No. 30, but that is all. The Son of the Sea Cook is the Bo here and is most attentive. The view on land from No. simply lovely. You look along the equator for miles, and, if have a room with a Southern aspect, it will be with great difficu that you'll tear yourself away in order to continue your journey Should you not patronise any one of these Houses the owners be unwilling to render you any assistance, as their season is a ver short one, and their sole means of subsistence are the Summ Tourists. which sounds better than it looks, being in this respect exactly the contrary of the bagpipes. If you are fond of Onions, Portugal is your place. If not, it isn't. Apropos of Passports, you must have them here, young lady; or, if you haven't, you can't stop here, young lady. In fact, again to quote the poet, Without a Pass-portyou-gal, you must pass Port-you-gal. (Terms for this jeu de mot easy. We have our agents all over the world, and shall soon know if you've made use of it without paying. We'll assess you, if you Here, where there is a good deal of latitude about, you will like; for so much a year you can repeat any of the ordinary jokes able to discuss the questions recently raised as to whether K IN Colburn's United Service Journal there is an article which will interest naval men and architects on mastless "sea-going iron-clads." Truly iron-clads need be mastless, since, if they carry masts and likewise sails, under a little too much canvas your sea-going, so-called, are likely to become bottom-going iron-clads. MOTTO FOR THIS LAST GAMBLING YEAR AT HOMBURG, EMS, &c. -Tabule Solvuntur. |