"What I shall do I don't know," says my Aunt, "for they were all patent springs that you can't open without a particular sort of key that's only made in one place, and I don't know where that is, and better than any of the Lockmar Brahs that they used to talk so much about; I mean, you know, those that they used to offer a hundred pounds to anyone to open with any key at all, and they never would -and..." gasp, then she continues-"I haven't got anything in the conservation book about open locking breaks and liadogue with a Blackian Belgesmith." (Dixon's Johnsonary in full force, my Aunt being excited, and having an audience among whom, as the reporters say, "we notice MR. and MRS. MILBURD, Mister and Miss Northern Farmer, the Steward, the Under Steward, &c. &c. Of course she means that in her "conversation book" there is nothing about breaking open locks, nor is there any dialogue with a Belgian Blacksmith.) The Baron is on the point of starting. The only thought that occurs to me at this moment, is, that quay and key have the same pronunciation, and that, on commencing a steamboat voyage, it is usual to leave the quays behind you. Half a mind to say it. ' Half a mind not to. It might be put down to the philosophy of taking things easily, or it might be put down to heartlessness, as it's my Aunt's keys, not mine, that are lost, and I've lost them. Happy Thought.-When in doubt hold your tongue. chance of a policeman stepping forward, and saying, "Then, BASCOE" (without the "Mister") you must come along o' me." Of course it would be all a mistake, but no one would believe my explanation, and the real BASCOE (whoever he was), having kept silence, would escape. "Is there," repeats the stentorian voice, almost imploringly, "Is there anyone here, name o' BASCOE?" All eyes seem directed towards us, as much as to say, "Come, you know they mean you two. Give yourselves up. Don't let the whole ship be stopped because you won't answer. Come-out with it! We're not going to sea with a JONAH." MILBURD forces our hand, so to speak, by saying to me, "Now then, you'd better own it at once. You'll get off with seven years; and, after all, what's that ?" I smile and laugh. If I don't do this, the passengers will imagine that I really am a criminal, who refuses, very naturally as a criminal, to give himself up. My Aunt whispers hurriedly, "It's Cuxoms." [This is subsequently explained. She meant,-only being excited she got it all into a word, "It's the Customs about the boxes," her impression being that the official thought we were sneaking off without having had our luggage searched.] I acknowledge, defiantly, that "my Aunt's-that is" (I feel very warm, and ready if necessary to resist with violence)-"That isthat we answer to the name of BASCOE." [Reminds me of the Advertisement for stray Terrier Dog-Lost-answers to the name of BASCOE, &c.] "This way, then, Sir," returns the official, sharply. Uncommonly like what I expected. Happy Thought.-Turn it off. Say smilingly "Very mysterious," so as to anticipate MILBURD, who, I feel sure, will improve the occasion" in my absence. My Aunt and I ascend cabin-steps. "Hallo!" says a voice we recognise with a pleasurable sense of relief, "just caught Mister Steamboat. Found Colonel Bunch-ofkeys in my pocket just now. Couldn't wire, 'cos it's not good enough for Mister Sunday." He means that there is no telegraphing on Sunday. This I explain to my Aunt, who immediately replies that she perfectly understands MR. AXWORTH [She means ENGLEMORE-But as We're starting in two minutes, why not, AXWORTH?] My Aunt makes this reply somewhat tartly. Happy Thought.-"Tartly is the word. But how did tartly come by its signification. A Tart is a sweet-no, on second thoughts Ch. xiv. Book 6, Typ. Devel.] a Tart always wants sugar. [ Complication of Adjectives and Nouns. Hansom to follow. Thought you'd be in a deuce of a way when "So," continues ENGLEMORE, "In two twos my name's Mister you found yourself far away from your native land, and couldn't being untegatable ("un-get-at-able" according to Dixon's Johnget at Mister Toothbrush, or Colonel Nightgown." My Aunt gravely admits that the fact of these two celebrities sonary) was causing her a great deal of anxiety. voices about here), a bell rings, and a third of the people, who up to "All for shore!" shouts Somebody Else with a voice (very fine this time I had taken for passengers, suddenly appear as if, being panic-stricken by some unexpected and startling intelligence (as for miles!" or "Safe to blow up before she gets to Greenwich!"), they "There's a leak!" or "She must sink after the first two example are rushing from the ship. "Good-bye!" says ENGLEMORE. "Wish you a merry Tripmas and a happy New There. Love to Master Boy at the Nore. By the way actually detaining the Baron. Now, Sir!" says a nautical official to him, for ENGLEMORE is seriously but hurriedly, with one hand on the gangway rail, "Let "All right, don't wait for me," says ENGLEMORE, and then to me, me see-I was going to say-something of the greatest importance," -and he has forgotten it-no, he remembers it "I saw P. He says Yes, Good, But when?" They are beginning to move the MORE dashes across the gangway. Safe on the quay, he calls out, gangway. The bell sounds violently. We are in motion. ENGLEDon't forget Colonel Sideboard." "Wire on arrival. Say when I can have five minutes with you. Baron We are moving slowly off. "Mister Dinner Service too, if you see him," he calls out, as a last reminder. I nod, and waive my ENGLEMORE has evidently remembered something very important at hand. We are slowly drifting away, and steam-power commencing. the last minute. He shouts, "I quite forgot to Osy's engines render the remainder of this inaudible, but he is evidently continuing. I shake my head and put my hand to my ear, implying that I can't hear a word he's saying. The steam is quiet for a second, and I just catch his last words," Write... or... wire," and we are fairly started. Anybody here," shouts a stentorian voice, the property of an official," of the name of BASCOE ?" As a rule (I don't know why, but must consider it in Typ. Devel. under P. Publicity), no one likes to acknowledge his name when called upon in this way. It seems to suggest detectives, suspicion, bank robbery, flying the country under the name of SMITH, and then it occurs to me that, on admitting that one's name is BASCOE (it's my Aunt's name, not mine, but I have to answer for her), there's a Loan Collection. PARISIAN.-Great Success! Now on view. M. THIERS' new "SPILE THE HAY? AY, BUT THE MASTER LET 'EM IN. THEY BE A SCHOOL, JIM. A POOR IGNORANT LOT COME FRO' LADY FOR THE DAY; AND, MAY BE, NONE ON 'EM AIN'T NEVER SEEN A HAYFIELD AFORE!" EFFECTS OF THE HOT WEATHER. MR. LAZIE TONGS engaged a valet to relieve him from the labour of parting his back hair. MR. SCAMPER found that business took him suddenly (in a friend's yacht) to the cooling coast of Norway, whence he telegraphed to his wife that, as he most probably would be detained some weeks, she had better take the children down to Felixstowe or Worthing. MR. FOPPINGTON saved a pound a week by giving up his usual bouquet for his button-hole, on the excuse that it was-aw-too hot you know to carry things. MR. LARKER bought a squirt, and amused himself by sprinkling all the passers-by who had not their umbrellas up. MR. NEERDOWEEL resolved to do something for a livelihood, but so intense was the heat that his good resolution quickly melted quite away. MISS WALSINGHAM ate two-and-twenty ices at a ball, finding nothing else to do, as the men had all struck dancing. MR. SWETTER joined a reading party, who proposed to take it coolly, and to go to Iceland. MR. GUZZLEMORE daily drank two quarts of champagne cup with his dinner, and even then protested that his throat was as dry as a debate upon Scotch law reform. MR. CLYFAKER complained of business being sadly slack, as, in consequence of the hot weather, the swells all left their heavy jewellery at home, and went about with next to nothing in their pockets. MR. LATEBIRD came home nightly at three o'clock A.M., on the plea that the great heat prevented him from sleeping until the smaller hours. MR. SWELLER, of the Albany, was seen walking in a dust-coat, and without his gloves. MRS. MACSKINFLYNT put her servants on board wages, and fed her husband on cold mutton while the great heat lasted. MR. REEDER found his strength so much reduced by the hot weather that he was reluctantly obliged to leave his books, and join a crew in pulling up from Maidenhead to Oxford. MR. DOWNIE was so greatly overcome by the hot weather, that i a moment of exhaustion he overpaid a cabman. MR. TIPPLETON discovered that the salmon had got into his he before the second entrée, which he protested was inconshequene -hic-stornry-hic-hightempreture." MR. DIDDLER found his resources so exhausted by the heat that he felt himself compelled to leave his lodgings without settling with his landlady. MR. PHUNKIE was so greatly overcome by the high temperature that in the heat of the moment he used a rather warm expression while dancing with MISS FLIRTINGLEY, and has since been tortured by the thought that he is bound, now, to propose to her. MR. FORESIGHT has just laid in his winter stock of coal, at a advance of more than twelve shillings a ton, which, in total ignorante of any other reason, he attributes wholly to the wondrously hot weather. Epigram for an Irish Editor. ALL's up with poor ould Ireland! One last pang She feels, which O that GLADSTONE should impart! "He curls his viper tail and strikes his fang Envenomed" (whack!) "into the nation's heart." Anti-Sanitary Initials. THE Privy Council, on the 30th ult., issued two orders relative to the Contagious Diseases (Animals) Act. One of them directs the slaughter, within ten days, of all sheep and goats imported from any place in the Empire of Germany into Great Britain. The animals affected by the Contagious Diseases Acts would, if they could like ESOP's quadrupeds, speak, perhaps for brevity's sake, call those Acts the "C. D. Acts.' Of course a section of them would dissent strongly not only from those, but from any Acts whatsoever of that kind, unpleasantly affecting themselves. Those opponents of "C. D. Acts," if they were bipeds, would perhaps get them called "Contagious Dissenters Acts." AFTER THE BALL. "DID I SAY ANYTHING FOOLISH, PARKER, WHEN YOU WOKE ME THIS MORNING?" "No, MISS. YOU LOOKED IT!" MATRIMONY AND MUSIC. AT a particularly jolly marriage celebrated on Saturday last week in Westminster Abbey, a musical and out-and-out musical marriage, the bride and bridegroom were of course played away from the Communion-table rails with MENDELSSOHN'S Wedding March. Yes; of course. MENDELSSOHN's Wedding March is as indispensable to the nuptials of eminent persons as the National Anthem is to a Royal visit to a theatre. On this occasion, however, originality was in a measure consulted, if not by MR. TURLE the organist, perhaps by the parties about to be united, who may themselves have organised the musical arrangements. For, says the Post:"After the first part of the ceremony, the bridal procession advanced to the altar, the choir singing the Deus Misereatur to the chant 'Turle' from BEETHOVEN." VIVA LA LIBERTA! Is curtailed, and your simple right Your fathers never would have borne Restraints like these without some noise; Ah yes!-but then the Tory 'Squires 'Twas that which would have made our Sires Rebel if governed as a school. Now we obey the People's voice. Paternal Government behold! A Public self-enslaved! Meanwhile A DUNSTABLE LARK. DISSENTERS of all denominations should be interested in the circumstance that Dunstable Priory Church is undergoing restoration. The work already done has cost £8,000, and there are a "unique and graceful west window," a south aisle, " as fine a specimen of Norman work as is to be found in the kingdom," and a new oak roof "worth a visit to Dunstable to see," to show for it. The Restoration Committee want £3,000 more. To this fund the Dissenters, no doubt, will contribute their mites like ripe Stiltons. In Dunstable Priory Church ARCHBISHOP CRANMER pronounced sentence of divorce between HENRY THE EIGHTH and CATHERINE OF ARAGON. But for that, there might have been no Dissenters at all. Bankers-BASSETT & Co., Dunstable. SPORTING AND METEOROLOGICAL QUESTION.-Sir, how am I to know when it's a Dead Heat?-Why, when it's quite cold. However, "Hope springs eternal in the human breast," and the Times informs us that, on the most interesting occasion above referred to, after the Deus Misereatur had been chanted, the psalm, JONES. Beati Omnes! Sing O terque quaterque beati! In the lanBeati Omnes, was intoned by the precentor, the REV. S. FLOOD So mote they be." Who? All guage of Freemasonry let us say, married couples, new and old, till death do them part, and after. Celibacy and single-blessedness, you know, are synonymous. 66 SABBATARIAN POINT SCORED. A PATERNAL Government and Legislature, under Teetotal and Sabbatarian influence, have enacted a law which for an additional hour is to shut up places of refreshment at the very time when Excursionists most require it during Excursion hours on Sunday. That is to say, a certain chant adapted from BEETHOVEN by What do "Liberal" Ministers and their supporters expect to gain MR. TURLE. Solemn music no doubt, and suitable to words which by this sumptuary legislation in the spirit of a clergyman who is the express a very proper frame of mind on the part of persons embark- autocrat of an Academy? Votes, perhaps, at the next election. ing on the sea of matrimony which the best assorted couple must The authors and abettors of the Anti-excursion Clause in the expect to find more or less troubled. That the expectations of Licensing Bill will not have incommoded by it all the voters in those concerned in the present instance were the very brightest, is a England. There are some, indeed, whom they have delighted and consideration which adds force to their example of cautious fore-not disgusted; fanatics, hypocrites, and humbugs. In the metrothought. All people have their own troubles, and, besides those, a politan districts the step they have taken towards stopping Sunday husband and wife share each other's. "The course of true love excursions altogether will, now that the Ballot is the law of the never did run smooth," says Somebody whom Nobody contradicts; land, no doubt procure them a very considerable pr ponderance of and, when you consider that not even the immense fortune now votes on the side of their opponents. necessary to keep house and afford butcher's meat in any sphere of decent society can avert the annoyances connected with the nursery, or the dissatisfaction experienced when there is no room for them, you will probably consider the psalm above quoted a very fit one to be chanted on the celebration of even one of the most hopeful of imaginable marriages. Only perhaps you will be of opinion that appropriate as Misereatur must ever be to the most jocund hymenals, it would be still more agreeable to sing a Miserere at Indeed a philosopher would like to hear a De Profundis added. once. Malapropiana. MRS. MALAPROP is making a collection of butterflies, which she hopes may help her to understand the theory of caterpillary attraction. With a view to gain some foreign information on the subject, she has been reading MR. WALLACE's delightful book of travel in what she calls the Himmalayan Archipelago. Housemaid (to Constant Visitor). "MISSIS SENDS YOU THIS, AND YOU NEEDN'T COME AGAIN, FOR WE'RE ALL GOING N SEA-SIDE ON SATURDAY." Mendicant. "TELL THE LADY I'M MUCH OBLIGED TO HER, AND I'M GOING TO THE SEA-SIDE MYSELF NEXT WEEK!" WORDS AND WIND. IN the days of illustrious DITTON and WHISTON Other words, too, had Science, which since being tested HOLT, NON OL'T. A HINT. A FUND is being raised for an arrangement with the creditors SIGNOR MARIO, who is inconvenienced by them. Mr. Punch trus that a handsome subscription will be made. Nothing can be grudges that ministers to the comfort of one whose talents have given ples sure to thousands. But Mr. Punch wonders whether bad singers music-hall folks, and the rest of the class which is, in the musical world, what bad writers and obscure little critics are in literature will raise a howl at the proposal to help MARIO, and will say, "E has earned plenty of money for years, what did he do with it?" I so, right-minded people will have another opportunity for the display of two things-excellent in their place-namely, liberality, contempt. THE CITY OF LIONS. Ir appears that the ATTORNEY-GENERAL made a mistake in his speech about the diplomatic mission from the British Government to Ir people won't get their advertisements printed correctly, 'tis the Vatican, when he stated that the POPE still remained an inde not Mr. Punch's fault if his World-Censorship touches them up to pendent Sovereign within the limits of the Leonine City. The City their discontent. Nine Correspondents sent him nine copies of the of LEO THE FOURTH that was is now the City of VICTOR EMMANUEL notification that £10 a year was offered to a Second Master of the THE FIRST, having been annexed by Plebiscitum to the Italian Holt school. It seems that £110 ought to have been the amount Kingdom. The lions of the Leonine City are mostly architectural, proffered. That's a deal better, and Mr. Punch hopes that a good sculptural, and pictorial; so that the Holy Father, even if he were, Second Master has been obtained for what Brooks's Gazetteer declares as he calls himself, a prisoner, could not, without very g to be an excellent" free school, founded by SIR THOMAS GRESHAM. absurdity, compare himself to DANIEL in the Lions' Den. But "God save the foundation," as Dogberry says, and now you under- Holiness is in the frequent habit of drawing a comparison bolder stand what he meant. See how Mr. Punch hangs instruction on than that. every peg in the world! 66 A Pun for our Premier. Genuine American Claim. THERE is certainly one claim of immense amount which may be PROSPERITY advances by leaps and bounds, does it? What a advanced by the United States, and is incontestable; the claim of pity it is, rather, that Prosperity is not likely to be boundless! MR. STANLEY to have discovered DR. LIVINGSTONE. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24. Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs Bradbury, Evans, & Co. Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him, at No. 86, Fleet 8 reet, in the Parish of St, Bride, City of Lond. SATURDAY, August 10, 182. |