Mrs. Clovermead. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, DANIEL 1-(He had kept his hand to his cheek during the drive.)-HAVE YOU GOT A TOOTHACHE?" Daniel. "No, MU'M, THANKY' M'UM. BUT I WAS AFEARD, M'UM- I'VE BEEN A HAVING INGONS AT MY DINNER, M'UM!!!" A NATIONAL WARNING. LIQUOR LAWSON, look here; this is from Allen's Indian Mail:"BEEF AND BEER IN INDIA.-BABOO RAJENDRALEE MITTRA surprised his audience at the last meeting of the Asiatic Society of Bengal by his paper on the use of beef in ancient India. Imagine the horror of the more orthodox among them at being told by one of their most learned sages that, according to old Sanskrit writings, the Hindus were a beer-drinking and beef-eating The Baboo held that Brahmins ate beef until the first century B.C., when they began to follow the example of their Buddhist rivals. No authority older than the seventh century after Christ can be quoted, it seems, against the use of beef." race. 66 The livers of animals slaughtered for sacrifice, the BABOO informed his hearers, were roasted and reserved for the priests as tit-bits, which they washed down with draughts of soma beer," and, as PLATO would have said, no doubt that owua beer had body in it. Now, LIQUOR LAWSON, see what the Hindoos have come to in little more than a thousand years' time by disusing beef and beer. The analogies of language, you know, prove ourselves to be a branch of the Indo-European family, come of the same original stock as the Hindoos. Look at the difference between us and our rice-eating, water-drinking, poor relations, the Brahmins. If you had your way, British and Anglo-Saxon posterity would in a few generations be reduced to a level with those herring-sided, enfeebled Lascars and Coolies. They are black, most of them; and if we also were to adopt vegetarian and teetotal habits, as their forefathers, apostate from good living, did, our own race, doubtless, in time would turn black too. Will you say that you want to enforce Teetotalism only, and not Vegetarianism also? Well, but if you succeed in shutting up public-houses, somebody else, equally reasonable with yourself, will, with equal reason, demand the suppression of butchers'-shops, and the nation of milksops that will have submitted itself to restriction at your bidding will be likely enough to let that other place them under further restraint. A pretty progeny, then, JOHN BULL will have some centuries hence-precious descendants of once beef eating and beer-drinking Britons! Go to, then, LIQUOR LAWSON, unless you will come round and liquor up; liquor, and let others liquor, especially in this hot weather. DENBIGH THE DAUNTLESS. AT the sympathy-with-Jesuits meeting, the other afternoon, LORD DENBIGH said: well knew that it was distinctly against the constitution of their order to "The Jesuits were held up as intriguers, whereas those who knew them mix themselves up in any intrigue." "Do you know why they killed the pig ?" We hate to be vulgar, but we may quote DICKENS' Mr. Bucket. "No." "Because he had so much cheek." be deluded by such indescribable gammon? He must gauge our Now, does LORD DENBIGH expect anybody to intellects by an odd standard-we will not be uncivil enough to suggest what it is. Acrobats and Asses. WHAT is an Acrobat ? Literally, one who goes aloft. A sailor is an acrobat in the strictest sense of the word. Whether as mountebanks or as sailors, acrobats go aloft to earn their bread. For that purpose the nautical and spectacular acrobats alike risk their necks; acrobats of either sort are liable to be tumblers. The consistent prohibition of acrobats' performances would be impracticable, the partial prevention of them absurd; but these considerations do not lessen the wonder that the fools who pay to see them enough to make them profitable, are so numerous. HAPPY THOUGHTS. (A Start for Foreign Parts. Old and New Friends. Off.) UR "little" ENGLEMORE calls on us with information. "I've got," he says, "Mister Berth for you. Best cabin. One for the Colonel, and one for you, Ma'am." My Aunt thanks him, and requests further particulars, which he proceeds to give, in his own way," Baron Nosey, Sunday at Twelve. Be there rather before, say eleventhirty, because of Mister Luggage. Horrid bore, Mister Portmanteau." I tell him that I quite remember all these details, having been by the Baron several times. Upon this ENGLEMORE remarks to my Aunt, "Then you're Little All-right, Ma'am. The Colonel knows the ropes. Wish I was going with you." Why can't he? "Why ?" he answers, "because, first of all, there's Mister Business in Town. Then there's Mister Furniture in new House. Just finished. Man stained floors. Gas laid on. Kitchen stove gone mad, I mean cracked. Went home the other evening, found Mrs. Cook swimming about. Mister Boiler burst; no dinner for your Little ENGLEMORE, and jolly mess everywhere." up on Sunday morning. City looking as if it had been hard r work over-night trying to scrub itself clean, and couldn't for in very life get the dirt out of its ruts and wrinkles. Lines of hard featured respectabilities going to church; Paterfamilias looking devotionally uncomfortable in his clean, starched collars. If wasn't for Materfamilias and the girls, who require his presence u a background to their Sunday finery, he would have prefered stopping at home, in his shirt-sleeves, to "tot up" his accounts. Now we leave Eastern Christianity, and, penetrating farther int the Oriental quarter, we come into a Parochial Palestine! Here, one side are the names of Mister Moses, S. Isaacs, and Jacob Mar faced, on the other, by Solomons, Cohen, and Aaron Levi. Genuine good old D'Israelic titles, ungenteelised as yet by substituting a "a" for an "o," or a "y It seems as if a wh for an "i." colony of German Jews had landed here, and, having been thoroughly knocked up by the voyage, never cared to unsettle themselves again St. Katherine's Wharf, intended for the arrival and departure of passengers. St. Katherine's Wharf offers the smallest amount accommodation possible. Abroad, whether at a small station, or a a quay, or at any place specially intended for passenger traf the traveller, generally, will find comfort, and even elegance. B in England-generally not. "Well, thank Heaven," says my Aunt, piously. "that it doen rain, and we can stand on the wharf among the luggage." The Baron is not yet ready to receive us-he is being washed and tidied. My Aunt occupies herself in asking me if I don't think every fresh arrival on the wharf is a foreigner. She founds her remar on the supposition that most of the voyageurs must inevitably le foreigners; or, if they are not now, she has some sort of idea the will become foreigners during the voyage, and appear as something quite different (as in a Pantomime) when we shall land in Antwer "That's a German, I'm sure," says she, pointing to a stout m in spectacles, with a young lady, rather pretty, in a costume many colours. Happy Thought.-To call her "Josephine," on account of fir My Aunt condoles with him. "She knows," she says, "by ex-costume of many colours. perience the nuisance of furnishing and bursters boiling." She means boilers bursting, of course, and," said so." But, she supposes, slily, that MR. ENGLEMORE is only preparing to renounce the bachelor state. "Ah," says ENGLEMORE, blushing slightly, "don't know yet. We shall see. Settle up for Mister Furniture, and settle down afterwards." Then turning to me, "I'll be on the look-out for Mister Farm. I'm going into the Midlands for a week's fishing. Going to see Major Trout. Catch him at home. Then you'll be back before Mr. Grouse and Mister Oyster turn up. If you see anything in the way of furniture while you're away, don't forget your Little ENGLEMORE." On his saying good-bye to us we once more allude, pleasantly, to his intended (evidently intended) marriage. My Aunt, who is not to be put off the scent of a genuine match by any pretence of his as to fishing, observes that she supposes he is to bring home a bride from the Midlands? "Aha!" he returns to my Aunt," you know too much for me, Ma'am. Talking of that, I was trying to write a song, you know," this to me. I nod, but don't know; however, that's of no importance. "A Hieland lass my love was born.' 'I made it A Midland lass my love was born,' only I couldn't get any farther. Mr. Poetry is not my name. Don't know how it's done. Good-bye. I'll have my eye on something for you. I know sort of thing. A Nook, that's what you want. You'd nook all day if you had one. Good-bye. Love to Mister Germany." I notice that he has at once made a verb of "nook." In ENGLEMORE's grammar Happy Thought.-Grammar of the Future, by Your Little ENGLEMORE.-In such a Grammar "to Nook" would signify "to remain in a secluded spot in the country," and would be conjugated "I nook, Thou nookest, He nooks, &c." Imperative "Nook !" i.e. "Go and remain in a secluded spot in the country," which might gradually come to mean, "Go to Jericho, or Bath, or Coventry." Imperfect "I was nooking," i.e. "When I was living (or used to live) in a secluded spot in the country," &c. But what a saving of words! Then, at dinner-"Will you mutton ? "Do you cucumber?" or, while one is about it, with a new grammar of the future, why not Cucumberez-vous ?" or "Cucumber-you ?" "You'll beer, I suppose ?" 66 The pair are standing near us. My Aunt is commencing s remarks on the young lady's high-heeled boots, and other pe liarities of what she considers foreign toilette, when Mister Germ turns to me, and says, with an accent (from the north of England "Can you tell me, Sir, when this Baron Osy 'll be ready to take aboard." I give him my opinion. Pretty girl his-daughter? or, niece? Happy Thought.-As a co-voyageur, to speak to her sans for "Is she a good sailor ?" She is shy and simpers. "She doesn't know," she says, simpering. She's never yet be to sea," simpering. Northern accent. Happy Thought.-"Northern Farmer" and his daughter. "Pr perty, Property," &c. Perhaps he's going to examine Germ Agriculture. Pick up a lot from him on the voyage. Al picking up. Happy Thought (Musical).-" Where are you going to, my pretty maid ? Keep this to myself. The Baron is almost ready to receive us. There is a good deal t shouting in an unknown tongue by two dapper gentlemen in smir naval uniforms, a considerable amount of gesticulation, confuse noises of chains, cranes, planks, engines, and plunging of herse objecting to being embarked on board the gallant Osy. Ancient porters, who look as if they couldn't carry a bandber stagger away under the weight of my Aunt's trunks, and a bun fellow with a badge-in ENGLEMORE'S grammar of the future," Badger"-insists upon relieving me of my hand-bag. Happy Thought.-Keep my eye on him. Six porters stagger in, and against us, with boxes, portmantes and bags; then a maid-servant with rugs, bundle of parasols sticks; then a sharp-looking, funny little man, looking as if he been taken directly off a German bon-bon box, carrying a plaid small bag, and another bundle of sticks, umbrellas, and paras "Dis vay, Sir !" he is saying to a lady and gentleman following him Two porters deposit a large portmanteau almost on my Aunt's tes preparatory to heaving it up again and carrying it on board The name attracts my attention. "MILBURD," in large letters. My Aunt takes my arm. I turn and see, no doubt about it, M"I'll wire," continues ENGLEMORE, "if Mister Farm turns up. BURD with a lady on his arm. We recognise one another. H And if you see Colonel Sideboard or Major Armchair anywhere, asks me if I know the Duchess? The who? I say looking wire price, as, at present, my name 's Mister Furniture. Good- towards the lady on his arm. "Now, then, Sir, this bye." shouts somebody. More directions in unknown tongue. "Now, And so he leaves us, having probably, as my Aunt suggests, been Sir!" says gruffly, just behind me a voice which apparently running on about his furniture, Major trout, and his noocluded proceeds from a huge box on two legs. My Aunt pulls me to Slooks ("secluded Nooks," vide my Aunt's Dixon's Johnsonary), what I believe is called "the gangway." The Northern Fam in order to avoid any further questioning about his marriage. has his northern elbow in my ribs; he is tugging at his daughter Aunt, under the impression that St. Katherine's Wharf is at least (or niece), my Aunt is tugging at me, MILBURD is tagging ten miles from any known centre, determines upon starting early. the Duchess, boxes in front of us, boxes behind us, boxes threat. Usual sombre drive through the urbs mortuorum, with the shutters ing our heads and toes, a vague fear pervading every one that the Baron will get tired and suddenly steam off without us, and so we all crowd on to one another, hustle, crush, fight, struggle and fume, until we suddenly find ourselves on board. "This way, Sir!" remonstrates some official belonging to the Baron, and we are on board. More crush. People hurrying below (they call it " down-stairs ") and demanding beds and accommodation. Happy Thought.-Got our Berths. We shall be Mister Comfortable. Polite and cool steward at table taking down names in a book and apportioning berths to those who haven't previously engaged them. MILBURD is explaining, jocosely as usual, "You needn't give us the state cabin, as Her Royal Highness" 66 "Name, Sir ?" asks the Steward in the most business-like way. People about, thinking that MILBURD is only wasting time, don't laugh, I am glad to say. He answers, "MR. and MRS. MILBURD and Friend." MILBURD married!! PIOUS CONSPIRACY. 66 RECENTLY has been held, at Willis's Rooms, an influential meeting" convened by the "Catholic Union," for the purpose of protesting against the recent edicts expelling the religious orders from Germany and Italy. Among these Catholic Protestants were several lords and numerous ladies; at the head of them was the DUKE OF NORFOLK, who took the chair. ARCHBISHOP MANNING attended, of course, together with the learned and eloquent dignitary who is his right-hand man; and the Post says that: "MONSIGNOR CAPEL said-To those who would ask whether we should interfere with the people of Italy and the people of Germany in their affairs, he replied that the Church of Rome was one perfect whole, each obeying, working, and conspiring for the general good." incessantly repeating or suggesting to the British Public and all Europe that he is an old woman. Say that BISMARCK and VICTOR EMMANUEL are shams, and ideas of Jesuitical intrigues superstitions; and let not the coarse Protestant tell you that the less you say of superstitions and shams, the better. OVER-LEGISLATION. HE following Notices of Motion for leave to bring in Bills, have been given for the next Session of Parliament: A Bill to put an end to the deleterious habit, by Mothers, of addressing nonsensical words to infants and young children, and for enacting that any Mother, speaking to her child, shall use the language of grown-up people. A Bill for preventing all persons leaving churches, or other places of worship, from commencing secular talk until they shall be at least fifty yards from such edifice. A Bill for prohi For the general good of its own members? Of course. For the particular good of the Temporal Popedom? No doubt. But in conspiring for these objects, the Church of Rome, unfortunately, appears to the Italian Government, and to PRINCE BISMARCK, to have conspired against the unity of Germany and of Italy. Appearances are often imaginary, and Statesmen weak; but if MONSIGNOR biting any persons who may attend a musical or theatrical enterCAPEL wishes to procure a revocation of the political orders expelling tainment, from speaking to one another except in whispers, or the religious orders from those countries, he might as well, perhaps, between the acts. persuade the Church of which he is an ornament to condescend to clear itself from the charge of conspiracy, that is of conspiring for a purpose beyond that which he acknowledges it to conspire. In the Times report of this same meeting, ARCHBISHOP MANNING and LORD DENBIGH are represented also to have made remarkable statements. The noble Earl observed that : : "It would be wise to look beneath the surface, and to ask how it was that such injustice could be done and the world not rise against it, and he accounted for this by saying that we lived in an age of shams. The Jesuits had been misrepresented." We do, indeed, live in an age of Shams, whether the Jesuits have been misrepresented or not, and whether they have or have not been limited by JUDGE KEOGH'S sentence as to their representation in Parliament. Shams, certainly, do abound in this age; but it is not very lately that we have heard of a winking statue or picture; whence it will not perhaps appear very surprising that the Most Reverend Prelate spoke as follows: "He saw this great meeting of the laity, he said, with great satisfaction, because in this age, which LORD DENBIGH had called one of Shams, and which he would call one of Superstitions, they had given a formal and sufficient contradiction to a superstition which seemed to hang in the air of England, and to be received by the most intelligent journalists-namely, that the Catholic laity of England were unable to go alone." This notion, on the part of those journalists, may be a mistake, but in what respect it is a superstitious one too, few ordinary people will probably discern. To see that requires as sharp an eye for superstition as DR. MANNING's, on which he is to be congratulated very much. It may edify some of our readers to know that, a resolution having been put to the vote: "SIR CHARLES CLIFFORD, who seconded the resolution, said it might be some consolation to think that the fate of JULIAN the Apostate was not unlikely to befall PRINCE BISMARCK." SIR CHARLES CLIFFORD was evidently joking. Of course he wishes and hopes that BISMARCK will be converted and do penance. The fate of JULIAN the Apostate, moreover, is not that which usually befalls a Statesman who has provoked the Jesuits. There was no necessity for an inquest on the body of JULIAN, and it seems very unlikely that PRINCE BISMARCK will fall on the battle-field. A Bill for preventing any person from eating an orange in a street or other place of public passage, unless he shall have previously, in the presence of a police-constable, peeled the said orange, and deposited the peel in a receptacle to be provided by the rate-payers of the locality. A Bill to prohibit any person from suddenly stopping in the street to look in at a shop-window, and thus interfering with the progress of other passengers. A Bill for preventing acquaintances or others from standing to talk in the street, to the hindrance of the public, and for providing recesses at various points where persons desirous of conversation may enjoy it without interference with the public interest. A Bill forbidding all persons to sneeze loudly in any public thoroughfare where there is danger of terrifying horses. A Bill preventing persons from kindling cigars on the sea-shore, lest the pilots of vessels should be deceived by the lights, and marine property be endangered. A Bill prohibiting any person from offering a bet upon any subject whatever, without a Magistrate's certificate that the wager is not contrary to morality, and without entering into security to liquidate the said wager when decided. 66 A Bill for checking the employment of objectionable_language, and for imposing fines on the use of any Pagan oaths, as By Jove!" of any exaggerations or untruths, as "I have not seen you for an gestions of comparison between an event and the Principle of Evil, age!" "You have been a month on the errand!" and of all sugas, "It rained like the Deuce." A Bill for making it unlawful to use false and conventional termihumble servant," and the like, but with provisions that no restricnations to letters, and for abolishing the phrases, "Your obedient tion shall apply to letters between persons entitled to exchange affectionate language. A Bill for prohibiting gutter-children from blowing tin whistles, which make a distressingly monotonous noise, and for sending offenders to the Royal Academy of Music, for instruction in better instruments. A Bill providing for a quarterly return, from every householder, of the general behaviour of each member of his household, with special accounts of any irregularities, distinguishing them under the heads of religious, moral, and social, and with statements of the In the meanwhile the Catholic Union will perhaps do best for means he has employed for punishing the same, and preventing their itself and the Religious Orders whom it would vindicate by perse-recurrence. The cases of children under three years old not to be verance in ridiculing BISMARCK for being afraid of them, and by included in the return. |