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OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (Visit to the South Kensington Museum continued—from the Entrance to the Refreshment Room.);

W

M

OST certainly the en-
trance to the S. K. Mu-
seum is rather calcu-
lated to depress than
raise the spirits. The
feeling seizes upon you
that having come so far,
it would be cowardice
to retreat at the last
moment. Show me the
person, who, visiting
the Museum for the
first time, has walked
boldly and straightfor-
wardly, without flinch-

Refreshment Room ?" He beamed upon me with sympathetic eye, and directed me willingly and clearly. He knew it well, and would have accompanied me, but that stern duty nailed him to his post at the turnstile, and perhaps, also, he had just finished an early dinner. So at once, after making him my courtesy and obeisance, I walked in the direction indicated, and, gadzooks, Sir! the burly Retainer was right, for, in good sooth, here were the glass doors of the Refreshment Room.

Finding that I could lunch, representatively, without previous ordering or long waiting, which in matters of food I detest, holding as sure and certain proverbs for meal times, that "Delays are dangerous"-they are to me, doctors have said so-and that "Lunch deferred maketh me very unwell "-I determined upon digesting the items of the refreshment card, mentally, before selecting them for attack, corporeally.

I walked into the hall of Restauration. In the distance, on my right, I saw a grilling-fire, whence chops came hot and hot; and on my left I saw a quiet private dining place, which looked dull and expensive. Medio tutissimus and not only is it a great thing to be safe in a middle course, but, for a luncheon-eater, 'tis a matter of vast ing or stopping, right importance to know what course is safest for the middle. My choice up to the turnstile- I shall not reveal. Suffice it that I lunched, satisfactorily, to all paying place, and I'll parties concerned. The Refreshment Room at the S. K. M., I noticed, is say there's a gentle a good place for sound. Its acoustic properties were thoroughly well man, or lady, who tried by two middle-aged ladies in attendance upon a very deaf old doesn't know what gentleman, who, I do believe, was the identical venerable clergyman whom Your Representative met some weeks since at the Doré Gallery, where I trust my worthy friends, the Colonel and his companions, are doing well-bless them! Above all the buzz and hum of the diners, the clatter of plates, knives, forks, glasses and spoons, the voices of the two middle-aged ladies sounded, distinct and shrill, dutifully addressing their aged relative, who I rather think was inclined to over-eat himself.

nerves are.

Round and about those melancholy grass plots, which try with the best possible intentions to give a countrified air to the exterior of the S. K. Museum (but what an impossible thing to countrify a Museum!)-round and about these plots, L remark, some original Kensington Museumers have been playing skittles and ninepins with building materials, knocking them about in all directions, and then have gone away without putting up the things tidily.

"Won't you take any veal and ham ?" asked the first Niece, in a voice which from the other end of the room reached me. The Uncle smiled, and asked her what she had said.

"Won't you take any veal and ham ?" bawled her sister in his ear, while lunchers, barmaids, and waiters awaited his reply in breathless suspense.

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Here is the débris of old palings, looking, as if, in very ancient days (perhaps in the Universal Deluge) a gentleman's park had He answered something in almost a whisper, audible only to his been washed away, and these had been left by the receding waters. Nieces. General disappointment. Result, at all events, no veal Here too bricks, plaster, stones, and timber, becoming useless for want and ham. Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, conversation and clatter resumed. of use; rubbishing relics of the past, with very little promise about Presently, for above the din, arose the awful question, "Will you them for the future. A charming background to these is formed by take some beer?" put by the first Niece, whose voice was evidently a dilapidated iron house, filled apparently, to the eye of Your un-not strong enough for the work. Again he smiled, and begged her initiated Representative, with broken pianos, of which the above- sister to repeat the words. mentioned eye catches sight through the large windows wherewith Won't you have some beer ?" shouted the sister, and fell back the iron shed is lighted. Not far from the police lodge is a statue of in her chair exhausted. Breathless suspense again. Waiters on tipsomebody, unclothed, who having shot an arrow vaguely into the air, toe of expectation. Barmaids with their hands on all sorts of taps. and used such force in doing so that the string has disappeared with Ah! yes he will have some beer. Waiter paralysed for a it, is now staring upwards in the vague expectation of its soon moment by a difficulty. What beer? The First Niece can't help coming down again. The visitor seeing this figure, from a dorsal herself (I don't mean to beer, but that she has no alternative)-she point of view, does not feel inclined to walk round and inquire for must ask, and her voice has become weaker within the last ten whom it is intended. He takes it for granted that it's all correct minutes,and classical, and he will then walk slowly towards the door of the "What beer will you take ?" S. K. Museum, bracing himself up for admission as for an operation that must be performed, but which, like having a tooth out, or paying a small long overdue account, one puts off as long as possible.

There are three goats, and a lot of classic vases, all making praiseworthy efforts, to keep up appearances. I was sorry to see that one Goat attempted comicalities on its hind legs; but the way the two others turned their heads, and gave him such a look, settled him at once; and then he pretended that he'd only been rearing himself up to pick some food from the branches of a small tree; an assumption that couldn't have deceived anybody (let alone the two goats, who knew all about it as well as he did), as there wasn't one leaf to be seen on the withered shrub, in which he wished his companions to think him so deeply interested. I sighed, and walked towards the door. The portal at last. Over it is a deterrent black board-naturally a black board, which, with chalk, is a tradition in any educational system-simply announcing, however, that this is the Entrance to the Museum: a conclusion that might have been arrived at by any astute observer, who had already penetrated thus far, without this intimation. But there it is, and so it is; and very kind of the Authorities to put it up.

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I respect age, but out of pity for this younger Niece (about thirtyseven I should say-not more) I could have shaken that old Uncle. He would not hear what she said. Once more it was the elder's turn, and she strained herself for the effort, succeeding, at a frightful sacrifice of throat and lungs. He nodded "Yes," in a whisper, "he would take some stout."

"He

"Bottled?" asks the Waiter, convulsively, his eyes starting out of his head as he yells at him. The old gentleman wants to know what that young man is saying. says Bottled!" shouted First Niece, despairingly. Her Uncle considered it feebly, but made nothing of it, except to repeat, quietly, "Yes, I said stout," whereupon he was informed by the elder and stronger Niece, now exasperated beyond screaming point, that the word was Will-you-take-Bottled?" "If you please, yes, thank you," he answered, mildly, quite unconscious of there having been any fuss about it.

"Bottled." 66

The liquor is served, and by the time I am half way through my modest luncheon the Nieces, who had been reserving themselves for a final effort, shouted out, first one, then the other, then both together, "Have-you-done ?"

He signifies, in a lower whisper than ever (having gorged himself After presenting myself and my sixpence both good-to the re-to this tone,-I'm afraid he is a greedy Uncle), that he has quite spectable and polite door-keeper, whom I regret to have disturbed at finished. Soon after this he is taken away. As I continue my humble his second mouthful of luncheon, I submitted to the indignity of the meal, I wonder to myself how much apiece those two ladies expect turnstile (which always makes me feel as if some one was checking him? They pass through the glass doors and disappear. How much from that very trying relative. Is it part of their policy to stuff me off, and seeing that I don't cheat), and having thus passed, figuratively, under the yoke, I paused, and wondered what I a year would I take to go about with a deaf man and explain everyshould begin with first. The savoury smell that issued from the thing to him? Subject for consideration at lunch. After luncheon ticket-taker's lodge appealed to my Inner Consciousness. Gentle to walk through the S. K. M. to the National Portrait Gallery will Sir," said I, to a third Stout Policeman, Where, prithee, is the be, Sir, the duty and pleasure of

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YOUR REPRESENTATIVE.

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A TRAP TO CATCH A JOKE.

AMONG the wonders of Paris is a man said to be living at 34, Rue Ramponneau, the modern counterpart of VALENTINE GREATRAKES. He was formerly a soldier in a regiment of Zouaves, but some years since quitted the Army to practise curative Mesmerism. Still called "the Zouave JACOB," he is reported to heal diseases by his touch. According to the Avenir National:

"With an aspect of profound conviction, he lays his hands on the sick and paralytic, tells them to walk, and they depart with a persuasion that there is an improvement in their condition. However it may be, JACOB has not made a fortune by magnetism, for he admits that, without adding to it the business of a hatter, he should not know how to live."

Now, we know what you will say, some of you. You will say that JACOB is mad as a hatter. No, JACOB isn't. On second thoughts, don't you think that he is mad as a Mesmerist.

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Progress in Fireproof.

NOR stone, nor iron, for fire-proof building's good We're told; we must go back, 'tis said, to wood. Does brick than timber burn more fast away? Should it not answer, gutta-percha may;

Or rather India-rubber, we suppose,

Since that's elastic, as the cant word goes.

Commons and Enclosure.

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, at the Lord Mayor's Feast, complained that the House of Commons of late had been taking upon itself the proper functions of the Government. MR. LOWE refrained from illustrating his complaint by examples. One instance in point might have been suggested to him by local circumstances. He was speaking in Guildhall, and it was the influence of the Corporation of London, exerted in the House of Commons, which defeated the Government's proposed measures designed to legalise the further enclosure of Epping Forest.

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LETTER FROM AN ARTISAN."

SIR,-as For this Winchister buisness It Defy coment but i Hope You will show It up for Your Art is in write plays Tho You Hit ard at Times Sir Am not a Softy And wold give a Boy a hideing if nead wich have often Dun wich cause Words with there Mother but never Rose And to her wold Suner cut it of but to wollop Until a Lode of Sticks was Broke and give Thirtey cuts all for Nothing Is an asault wich I wold Punch is head and His master to but serpose This is the Way wich yung Swells lurn sweatness and Lite which Make Them so clever and Brave to Make us heat umble Py wen They grow Into guvning Classs by insert wich will oblidge

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Rector (who has a view of the Country from the Reading-Desk). "I THINK IT ONLY RIGHT TO MENTION TO YOU, FARMER ROBINSON, THAT I CAN SEE SOME BOYS-AH-PURLOINING YOUR APPLES!" [Clerk (who was hard of hearing) was just commencing to give out, "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever" when he was stopped by our vigilant Pew-opener I

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Fenian friends and sons of freedom, windicate yer right to go
Where the bloated Swells can hear us, nigh the Ring, or Rotten Row,
Or PRINCE HALBERT's bloated 'Morial, so as to make speeches there,
Like we do beneath Old NELSON's Collum in Trafalgar Square.

Now we've got that bloated AYRTON, and that other Person, BRUCE,
Them there pair of bloated Persons, down upon us with a roos.
'Tis their dodge to have the People's leaders up afore the Beaks.
Yah! and they calls theirselves Liberals, do they, pair of bloated

Sneaks?

If they've got the lawr on their side, which it mayn't be or it may, Then they'll silence indiwidgials-that's the little game they play.

Won't yer rally round "THUMB QDGER," if them Persons should pursue?

You, the People, if you don't, you'll all be bloated Persons too.

"PHOEBUS, WHAT A NAME!"

As a rule, Mr. Punch avoids mention of the appellations of persons not before the public. But a private gentleman has announced a name of which he should be too proud to object to its reproduction anywhere. This is his advertisement, in the Times:

Hereby give notice, that I will NOT be ANSWERABLE for any Dek contracted in my name without my written authority after this date3, Macclesfield-street, Soho, November 12th, 1872.-PRZEMYSLA

WALERY JOZAPHAT TCHORZCWSKI.

"My Jo!" as a friend of ours swears, if there were anybody with patience and adroitness to learn and pronounce this, he would de serve any credit he might ask. But we should think the advertiser quite safe. His "nomination" is what SOUTHEY describes in th March to Moscow:

"A name that you may know by sight very well,
But which no one can speak, and which no one can spell."

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MR. JUSTICE BRAMWELL decides that it is no libel to call & ma Welsher. Is it a libel to call him a Welshman? Let us hear from

MR. STANLEY, on his arrival.

Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offees of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Leaked

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HEN I was inspecting the wonderful curiosities in the new Guildhall Library, I beheld several admirable portraits of the good and beauteous QUEEN ELIZABETH. One, not very flattering, she actually stopped, while it was engraving. I made a sketch from the unfinished affair. Behold the result. That was a great Show, that in the City, and the instigators deserve loud praise.

I am so pleased with the Coroner's Jury for the praise justly awarded to CAPTAIN SHAW and his band of Braves for their gallant behaviour at the great Flour-mills fire, that I do not care to ask the gentleman who put the verdict into writing what he happens to mean by the "arduous" manner in which the Captain and his men did their work. Nay, I will defend the word. Arduus means high, lofty. 'Tis more defensible than excelsior, in the poem, anyhow.

A Cook, advertising for a place, says, "A family, if plain, not objected to." She need not apply at my house. But I know several families that would suit her, though I dare say they don't think so.

What will certain advertisers give me for this suggestion? A classical bit for their advertisements. Maxima debetur puero Revalenta. They say it is very good for children.

I gave you a thundering verse by the mild DR. WATTS the other lay, Toby. Now I will give you a roystering verse by an austere moralist :

"When the bonny blade carouses,

Pockets full and spirits high,
What are acres, what are houses?
Only dirt, or wet or dry."
That, Sir, is by our late friend, DR. JOHNSON.

His Royal Highness the late DUKE OF WESSEX was making his ifficult way through a crowded party in a very hot room, when he ncountered CAPTAIN PARRY, who had recently returned from an xpedition among the icebergs. "Ha! PARRY," said the Duke, how do you do? This is more like the South Pole than the North 'ole, eh ?",

MEHEMET ALI made a canal from Alexandria to the Nile, and at enlightened but most barbarous ruler's execrable treatment of e poor labourers caused the death of about 25,000 men, women, ad children, in a few weeks. Never, I suppose, was there such an ormous display of contempt for the canaille. But he wanted ater very much, then.

MARCELLO (a Venetian poet and composer, my dear Toby, and he Ls been dead a century and a half) wrote choruses for soprani and ntr'alti, who had to baa like sheep, and moo like cows. He would ve made his fortune in comic opera for Paris and London, now. ill not some new creature, with similar gifts, arise ? Ille arcellus erit.

If MR. BESSEMER succeeds in vanquishing Neptune, that is, in aking a vessel in which one can't be sick, those who "suffer a sea

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The most exquisite courtesy in language may accompany the most atrocious cruelty in action. I have felt this upon many occasions when I have been rejected by young ladies. I suppose a Japanese criminal feels it when his judge tells him that he "has behaved otherwise than was expected," and delivers him to be divided into portions.

LORD ELDON was occasionally accused of procrastination. His answer was neat. "Time enough, if well enough."

Some of our ancestors were wise, but some must have been very stupid asses. One of them lived in Shropshire, and made this proverb, which may still be current there: "He that fetcheth a wife from Shrewsbury, must carry her into Staffordshire, or else he shall live in Cumberland." It is so abject, besides being brutal, that I must expound. The idiot meant that a man who marries a shrew must take a staff, or stick, to her, or he 'll find her an incumbrance. This was told me on the Wrekin. I drink to all friends round it.

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