Mrs. de Tomkyns (sotto voce, to Mr. de T.). "LUDOVIC, DEAR, THERE'S ALGERNON PLAYING WITH A STRANGE CHILD! D PREVENT IT!" Mr. de T. (ditto, to Mrs. de T.). "How ON EARTH AM I TO PREVENT IT, MY LOVE?"

Mrs. de T. "TELL ITS PARENTS ALGERNON IS JUST RECOVERING FROM SCARLET FEVER, OR SOMETHING!"

Mrs. de T. "O, NEVER MIND! TELL THEM, ALL THE SAME ! "

Mr. de T. (aloud). "AHEM! SIR, YOU'D BETTER NOT LET YOUR LITTLE GIRL PLAY WITH MY LITTLE BOY. RECOVERING FROM-ER-SCARLET FEVER!"

Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins (together). "IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR!-so's OUR LITTLE GAL!"

STRIKE HOME!"

BAKER. "NO BAKING TO-DAY!"

WORKING-MAN.

66

WHAT! YOU ON STRIKE, TOO! NO SUNDAY BAKING, AND NO BREAD!-THEN, WHAT'S TO BECOME OF ME AND MY DINNER, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?"

AUTUMN MUSINGS:

A

N_anonymous writer has
observed that Autumn is
the season when the Book
of Nature loses its leaves.
As his head was running
on books, it is strange that
it did not occur to him to
add that Autumn is also
the period when the year
publishes, in an unmis-
takeable manner, its De-

cline and Fall,

THE PLEASURES OF A PLAY-GOER.
MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

As the note of preparation, to use a penny-a-linerism, is now sounding for the winter theatrical campaign, it may be worth While to inquire whether Managers have made good use of the recess to add to the attractions of their places of amusement, and to lessen the discomforts, expenses, and annoyances which have hitherto attended a visit to the play. English people as a rule are comfortloving creatures; and now that he dines late, it needs no small persuasion to prevail on MR. FAMILIMAN to leave his glass of claret and perhaps, too, his cigar, in order to escort his wife and daughters to some theatre or other, where the chances are, he reckons, that he won't be much amused. At any rate, if there are obstacles, he is Autumn robs us of many apt to make the most of them, and to forge the most astounding enjoyments-summer be- excuses for not shunning even the least of any hindrances that may verages, ices, tea in the beset his path. garden, light apparel, Now, as there is certainly a dearth of real talent on the stage, and moonlight strolls-but it as the taste for things dramatic is in consequence decreasing, one is rich in compensations. would fancy every Manager would do his very utmost to make his The eye rests with plea- house attractive in its audience arrangements, and to ensure the sure on the brilliant and ease and comfort of every one who entered it. But is this so, in varied tints of the chang- truth? Are play-goers all secured against extortion and annoyance, ing foliage in grove and and supplied with such soft seats and superfluity of leg-room as may forest, and the ear drinks possibly suffice to tempt them from their dinner-table, and even in with delight the wel- their cigar-box? Let us see what sometimes happens if a patron of come sound of the return the drama conceives the happy thought of taking a party to the ing muffin-bell in street play. and square. Members of MR. TOMKINS, let us fancy, being charged with the offence of the Legislature expatiate dining at his club, and of coming home at midnight smelling horrito their constituents on the blessings of the Ballot and the Scotch bly of smoke, is sentenced by his wife to escort herself and daughters Education Bill, and their speeches may be perused on an exhila- to see something at some theatre-as she rarely reads the newspapers, rating October morning by anyone who can command a penny: which he opines will be the pleasantest performance, and on his way she can't say what, or which. MR. TOMKINS makes selection of that The Theatres and the Gallery of Illustration re-open their doors the winter fashions ornament the windows of mercers and modistes, to business goes a mile or more clean out of it to book himself four the oyster exchanges his damp and dreary bed for the life and stalls, for which he pays some six or seven shillings each. He, beanimation of great towns and cities; game, both feathered and sides, is sometimes asked to pay a shilling fee for booking; for, furry, tempts the drooping and delicate appetite; "Bright chanti- unlike business men in general, your Manager is prone to get a cleer proclaims the dawn, Old Towler leads the cry;" whist and premium for prompt payment, instead of giving a small discount bézique pass the evening hours agreeably; the various learned upon money that is paid before it properly is due. and scientific Societies recommence their weekly meetings; and the dinner served two hours before his usual time of appetite, and then When the happy day arrives, MR. TOMKINS Swallows hastily a butter resumes its natural consistency. Michaelmas Day ought to be one of the happiest in the whole year. rattles off, perhaps upon the box, so as not to crush the flounces On it the "Liverymen of the Worshipful Company of Coachmakers which fill the whole inside. Avoiding, by gross over-payment, and Coach-Harness Makers," and other famous guilds, whose hospi- some bad language from the Cabman, MR. TOMKINS, after traversing tality shone through the darkness even of the Middle Ages, meet, finds it difficult to squeeze, gains at length the actual entrance to a dimly-lighted passage, through which his better half (in drapery) on the summons of their beadles, to elect a Lord Mayor for the ensuing year; and geese ("ordained to bleed at Michael's shrine") the stalls, which, at sundry famous houses, is guarded by a civil constitute the principal dish at the dinner-tables of all classes brigand in a stylish suit of black, who, before escorting MR. TOMboth in London and the country, recalling vividly to the mind KINS to his seats, presents a folded playbill, like a pistol, to his the critical moment when the fortunes of ancient Rome were re-breast, as who should say, "Deliver up your shilling, or your wife's." trieved by the voices of those opportune and succulent birds. But Smothering his wrath at what he thinks a second act of gross the feast of St. Michael is also one of those swiftly recurring periods extortion, MR. TOMKINS tries his best to enjoy what it has cost him But the seats are rather narrow, and he is which law and usage have set apart for the payment of rent; and so so much to go and see. long as that irritating custom is kept up, the day cannot be one of rather wide, and the house gets rather hot, and his legs get rather unclouded enjoyment, except to landlords. cramped, and, as his stall unluckily is next to the big drum, his ears, get rather deafened and his head begins to ache. So on the whole he is not sorry when the curtain falls, and he leaves the theatre with something like a vow that he will not in a hurry be caught going there again.

It is a tradition (see the publications issued under the direction of the MASTER OF THE ROLLS) that QUEEN ELIZABETH was eating her Michaelmas Goose when a telegram was put into her hands announcing the destruction of the Spanish Armada. It is an historical fact, which can be vouched for by many persons now living, that on the 29th ult. MISS LIZZIE DARLINGHAM, a young lady of great personal attractions and force of character, was on the point of being helped to roast goose at the six o'clock family dinner in Clarencieux Street, when a note was placed in her hands which had that moment been brought by a private messenger. She at once gently but firmly declined the seasoning that invariably accompanies the bird of which she was then partaking. Her unaccountable behaviour was a puzzle to all her family and friends until tea-time the same evening, when MR. CHARLES EDWARD MARTLETT, a rising young stockbroker, was announced in the drawing-room.

The season of Autumn is particularly favourable to poetic inspiration. The public will be glad to hear that MR. BYRON RYMER is busy putting the finishing touches to his epic poem, in twenty-four books, entitled Charlemagne; that MR. GLANFORD WRAGBY never allows a day to pass without adding another to his Sheaf of Sonnets (those headed Twilight on the Embankment and To a Glowworm are said to be perfect bijoux); and that MISS EMMELINE AISLABIE ARMADYCE finds the falling leaves in Kensington Gardens congenial to the completion of her Songs for the Sedentary.

On a wet afternoon in Autumn, happiness would hardly be found in Leicester Square.

THE PROPER HOME RULE.-Full Measure.

Next morning he sums up the cost of his amusement, and finds that it stands thus:

Four Stalls

-

Fee for booking same

....

Paid stall-keeper his charge for a penny playbill
Hire of opera-glasses, having left mine in the cab
Bouquets and white kid gloves, and damage to wife's dress
Cabs, and coppers for "Poor JACK"

Total

£ s. d.

1 4 0 010 01 0 05 0

1 8 6

0 10 8

3 10 2

When to this amount is added the loss of precious temper, expended on the annoyances endured, MR. T. is surely justified next morning in reflecting that he has paid too dearly for his evening's entertainment; and who can wonder if, when next he comes home late from dining out, he compounds for that offence by some less costly expiation than going to the play?

The Growlery, Belgravia.

COCKNEYIUS EXPECTANS.

A Jubilation on a Judgment.

THE Court on the Award

Were not of one accord.

Shout, all who dwell in Holborn,

And elsewhere-"Bravo, COCKBURN!"