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A VIRTUOUS VESTRY.
HOROSCOPE FOR 1872.
WITH the aid of this ingenious little instrument, the horoscope,
and to be had of all ket is held in the New Cut respectable dealers throughout the kingdom in gold, silver, mother(excuse mention of such a of-pearl, ormolu, aluminium, and other suitable materials, a clear place) every Sunday morn- insight may be obtained, on a fine evening, into the more salient ing. There do people of events of the year one thousand eight hundred and seventy-two. the baser sort buy their
The observations we have been enabled to make with one of these Sunday dinners, and other instruments (fitted with the patent self-acting forecaster) are so matters which they fancy startling, that, without loss of time, we hasten to lay them before they want. The Lambeth the world, for the guidance and direction of reigning Sovereigns, Vestry, justly indignant Cabinet Ministers, School-Boards, Members of Parliament, Mayors, at such goings on, ap- Magistrates, Mothers of Marriageable Daughters, Managers of pealed to COLONEL HEN- Theatres, Newspaper Editors, Speculators, and others, who may be DERSON to put a stop to desirous to make their arrangements at once for the ensuing twelve them. That haughty and months. sarcastic official declared Parliament will meet early in February, a few days after it ceases that he should do nothing to be legal to slaughter pheasants. It will be prorogued early in of the sort, unless the August, about the period when grouse-shooting becomes a lawful shopkeepers who keep pastime. their shops open on Sun- The HOME SECRETARY will withdraw several measures in the days were also obliged to course of the Session. respect the day of rest.
The London School-Board, by the active interposition of its We pity the Colonel's want Beadles, will clear the streets of from ten to twenty children. of logical power. What is there in common between Mayor's banquets.
Australian meat will appear on the bill of fare at the Lord a respectable shopkeeper, who pays rates, and a low person who wheels a barrow, or rents the flap over a cellarage ? The Vestry will take place, one which ought to make a great noise
in the world,
In the month of February a most serious astronomical occurrence at this fair, and such addresses as the miserable creatures could and is likely to be attended with disastrous consequences to those who give. Summonses have been issued, but the matter stands
over may be unfortunate enough to be on the spot—the full moon will for a few weeks.
fall on Saturday, the 24th.
There will be at least one new cookery-book published during the
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER will, in his annual Budget,
propose a tax upon one or more of the following articles:-calling about the New Cut buy their fish, meat, and the rest of their luxu
The Mines Regulation Bill will be brought before Parliament; ries on Saturday. What is to prevent them from doing so. Wages also the COLLIER affair. are always paid at an early hour on Saturday, and by four o'clock on that day the wife of an artisan has always received from her
There will be a show (the first) of guinea-pigs, white mice, parhusband the bulk of his earnings, less perhaps by a trifle which she rots, bullfinches, and squirrels
at the Crystal Palace. The
DUCHESS playfully returns to him, that he may have a pipe and
WARBLEMORE will act as Judges. going to bed. He would be considered a bad fellow if he did not
Several new animals will be added to the collection in the Zoogive her the money, or if she had to coax it out of him late, or to logical Gardens. take it from his pocket when he had sunk into the gentle slumber of
The jury in the Tichborne case will retire when the trial is conintoxication. That he should surlily refuse it, and strike her, and cluded, and, after deliberating for several
days, will return into force her to wait until morning brought better temper, is too mon- Court 'late at night, and deliver their verdict amidst breathless strous an idea. “Our flesh and blood” never does this sort of thing. silence. The LORD CHIEF BARON will have a sleeping apartment
Let the Wife therefore make her purchases on Saturday. Let her fitted up in the Westminster Sessions House, that no time may be
, SIR CHARLES DILKE, MR. WHALLEY,
An eminent Archdeacon of the Established Church, well known mentality. By this means not only will offence to the refined in the West of England, will conduct the services at Mr. SPURGEON'S natures of the Lambeth Vestry be avoided, but the vendors of the Tabernacle, and MR. SPURGEON will exchange pulpits with him. articles will be released from work, and enabled to attend places of
A new Opera will be brought out on the last night but two of worship. To their own declaration that but for Sunday trade they the season. must go to the workhouse, we lend a deaf ear. Morality cannot yield to Necessity. A prudent man will earn his income in six days. the streets.
There will be some failures in the City, and constant stoppages in If he cannot, we must echo the remark made by a conscientious
The British Public will remit large sums of money for the relief of person at a meeting on the subject, and say, “Let him starye."
the Chinese, and allow charitable institutions at home to languish Mr. Punch strongly upholds the Lambeth Vestry in this business, for want of funds. and thinks their conduct quite worthy of the reputation they have MR. JOHN BROWN, MR, THOMAS JONES, MR. WILLIAM ROBINSON, 80 long borne. He is much displeased with the Colonel of Police, MR. JAMES THOMPSON, MR. CHARLES JACKSON, and MR. HENRY and hopes never to have to say, in MR. POPE's words
SMITH will contract matrimonial alliances after harvest. “ Stern HENDERSON repented,
The Gulf Stream will be heard of again, probably for the last
time, the tendency of modern scientific investigation being to show And gave them back the Fair."
up that bugbear as a humbug. If Vestries will enforce Sabbatarianism, and if Alliances will MR. DISRAELI will deliver an address de omnibus rebus et quibustotally deprive the weaker classes of the Refreshments of which dam aliis, at Glasgow at Easter, and on Cottage Cookery at they mostly make bad
use, we shall raise the standard of national Hughenden in the autumn. morals, and entirely efface the discontent which some persons believe Letters will be addressed to MR. GLADSTONE demanding, explais felt with national institutions.
nations from him as to his religion, his relations, his favourite poet, and his private account at his banker's.
Oysters will be sixpence apiece.
Spain will have one or two new Ministries. SEASONABLE SENTIMENT.-May the Commission of Inquiry into The estimates will include a vote for the purchase of robes and a the Megæra business get to the bottom of it!
wig for the new SPEAKER.
THE RETICENCE OF THE PRESS. It became our duty, some weeks ago, to invite the attention of our The American Press admires the reticence which the British readers to the fact that a Memorial Fund, in aid of the Widow and Press has practised during the seventy odd days occupied in hearing unmarried Daughters of our late lamented friend, MARK LEMON, had one side of a cause which will be celebrated. The English Press
also takes credit to itself for that reticence. It is, doubtless, exembeen opened. On a page at the end of our present issue will be plary. By not interfering with, we know how much it furthers, found the list of those who have subscribed to the Fund. Several the administration of Justice. A trial such as the great lawsuit now donors have been generous, many have been very liberal, and thanks pending, or any other in a British Court of Law, is determined, are due to those who have done what they could.” But the aggre- the minds of the jury are mere scales. The Counsel on either side
we all know, simply by the weight of evidence, in relation to which gate amount as yet obtained is altogether inadequate to the purpose, respectively confine themselves to the production of true evidence that of making a permanent provision for those so dear to one each on behalf of his client, and the refutation of false evidence who never lost an opportunity of doing a kindness. It is with advanced for the opposite party. The Judge is the only person in reluctance that, after examining the list, we admit to ourselves Court who expresses any opinion on the case which could possibly that very much is owed to private friendship, and
comparatively influence the jury; his opinion
under the obligation little to public recognition of the noble character and the merits of tiff or the defendant, ever attempts to bias their decision either by MARK LEMON. Believing, as we sincerely believe, that we may sophistry or appeals to their passions and prejudices. It is thereaccount for this by supposing that thousands are still unacquainted fore highly necessary that the Press should abstain as strictly
as it with the fact that their aid is invited, we re-iterate our Appeal. does from any explanation or argument with reference to a pending We venture also to ask our contemporaries, who have already so suit which, how sincerely soever meant to instruct, might possibly ably and kindly promoted the object, again to perform that labour have the effect of misleading the jury sitting
thereon. of love. We, lastly, call attention to the notice at the foot of the oratory, and the dodges of dialectics, in order to make the worst
If, indeed, Counsel were usually accustomed to employ the arts of list, stating how subscriptions can be forwarded. Some misap- appear the better cause in the eyes of twelve men more or less liable prehension on this point may have retarded the liberality which to be deceived and deluded, then, indeed, the reticence of a respectwe refuse to believe will not be shown to those who possess such able and intelligent Press, in abstaining from any remarks capable inherited and such personal claim to the kindly consideration of all. of helping a jury to deliver a righteous verdict, would not perhaps
be quite so purely advantageous as it is now.
Juvenile Gulosity. A SAGE said to a Schoolboy, home for the holidays, “ A contented mind is a continual feast." “Is it ?” quoth young Hopeful, “I should rather say that a continual feast was a contented mind."
Riddle for the Young Folks.
This stirs me into something like exertion. Otters and RUDDOCK. MY HEALTH.
RUDDOCK, during a check, setting the field in a roar.
At Breakfast. "Um," says PENDELL, thinking over something ALK over all these as he cuts a ham, “We shan't want to take anything with because arrangements at Old PENOLVER gives us lunch. He's a picture of an Old English dinner. Then, as squire is PENOLVER. Quite a picture of a-um-yes
_” here he we have, PENDELL apparently considers to himself whether he has given a correct tells me, to be up definition of PENOLVER or not. He seems satisfied, and closes his early for otter- account of him by repeating, “Yes-um-yes-an Old English hunting, we de- Squire, you know-quite a character in his way,” (I thought so,) termine upon going "and you 'll have pasties and cider." to bed early.
Pasties !” I exclaim. The word recalls Bluff KING HAL's time, Process of Going the jollifications-by my halidame !-gadso !-crushing a cup,
and to Bed Early. so forth. Now I have the picture before me (in my mind's eye) of MRS. PENDELL re- the Old English Squire, attended by, grooms bearing pasties and tires at nine, having flagons, meeting the Otter Hunters with spears and dogs. Good !
every- Excellent! I feel that My Health will be benefited by the air of the thing we want” is olden time. And perhaps by the pasties. left out on
ladies come?” I ask. sideboard. PEN- 6. Safe to," answers PENDELL," last day of hunting-all the DELL observes that ladies out-sort of show meet, and lounge.” he shan't be half
Pasties, flagons, dames, gallants with lutes, and pages with an hour at most beakers of wine. I am all'anxiety to start. before he's
The Drive.-Bleak, misty, sharp, dreary. I am in summer cosstairs. I yawn, to tume of flannels, intended for running. Hope we shall have some show how tired I running, as at present I'm blue with cold and shivering. am, and corroborate
Six miles finished.-We get out at a tumble-down roadside inn. his statement as to Three boys, each one lankier and colder-looking than the other, are the time we intend standing together with their hands in their pockets, there being to pass in front of evidently among them a dearth of gloves. A rough man in a the fire.
velveteen coat and leggings appears, carrying a sort of quarter-staff
MRS. PENDELL spiked. I connect him at once with otters. PENDELL returns his has retired. PENDELL wishes to know what I'll take. Nothing, salute. This is the Huntsman. The three chilly boys are the Field. I thank him. PENDELL doesn't “think-um-that-he'll—um
We are all shivering, and evidently only half awake. Is this what take anything,” and stands before a row of bottles with the critical PENDELL calls a " show meet, and a lounge p” air of a Commander-in-Chief reviewing the line. It almost looks as if he wanted a bottle to step out of the rank and invite him to an otter hunt." The chilly boys hearing this, turn away, the man
Flash.- To say brightly, "Well, it couldn't have been colder for make up his mind at once
and take a drop of him. In order with the spear takes it literally and is offended, " because," he says, not to prevent him from enjoying himself, I sacrifice myself, and say,
we might ha' had a much worse day.". PENDELL says to himself, Well, I'll have just the smallest glass of whiskey." PENDELL is of opinion that no one can do better than whiskey, it being, he that myself lots of times." I thought that down here, perhaps, it
thoughtfully “Um-colder-otter-ha! Yes, I see. I've made says, the most wholesome spirit. We whiskey. The quarter-past arrives. We take no notice of it, feel
it's the only one
I've got, preface it by saying, wouldn't have been known. Never risk an old joke again. "If I
"Of course except that PENDELL remarks that that clock is about twelve minutes fast, in which case, of course, we have nearly half an hour you've heard what the Attorney-General said the other day to at our disposal. Conversation commences. We somehow get
(some one) ?." and then, if on being told, they say, “O! that's upon Literature, especially upon the subject of my Analytical very old,” why it's not your fault. History of Motion. PENDELL quotes a line from somewhere. We
A fly appears on the road with the Master. He welcomes PENcan't think where it is to be found.
DELL and friend heartily and courteously. Is sorry that it's the last This leads PENDELL to the book-shelves. While he is up, would meet. Thinks it's a bad day, and in the most genial manner pos
A few weeks ago," he mind just mixing me the least drop more whiskey, and water, he says, there were
plenty of otters.” plenty of water. He does so, and continues his search for the book, ending by bringing down the Ingoldsby Legends... "Do I remember
Flash.--To find out if that spearing-picture is correct. Show mythis one ?” he asks me. No, I have forgotten it. He thinks the self deeply interested in otters. line he quoted is there. He is, he says, going to give it at a Penny The Master says that spearing is unsportsmanlike. Damper Reading, and has already done so with great success. He reads a number two. No spears. We walk on, and get a little warmer. few lines.
More “ Field” meets us : some mounted. Flash.—Ask him to read. Nothing so pleasant as the sound of Note on Otter-Hunting.-Better than fox-hunting, because you some one reading poetry when you're very tired, and are sitting trust to your own legs. You can't be thrown, you can't be kicked before a good fire. Light a pipe as an aid to listening
comfortably off, or reared off; and, except you find yourself alone with the Better than going to bed. Besides, if he reads, it's his fault that otter in a corner, there's no danger. we don't go to bed early, as we told MRS. PENDELL we would. Note Number Two. Additional.-Yes, there is one other danger.
He reads aloud. I interrupt him occasionally (opening my eyes A great one. to do so), just to show I am attending, and twice I dispute the pro- Here it is :priety of his emphasis ; but I don't sustain my side of the argument, We have been walking miles along the banks of a stream, crossfrom a feeling that to close my eyes and be droned to sleep, is pre- ing difficult stepping-stones, climbing over banks eight feet high ferable to straining every nerve in order to talk and keep awake. [thank goodness, impossible for horses), with drops on the other
11 o'clock, P. M.-PENDELL stops, and says, "Why, you're asleep!” side, and occasional jumpings down, which shake your teeth, I reply that he is mistaken (having, in fact, just been awoke by but still you land on your own legs, and if you fall you haven't got feeling as if a spring had given way at the nape of my neck), but I a brute on the top of you, or rolling over you, or kicking out your own, candidly, to feeling a little tired.
brains with his hind hoofs. We number about sixty in the Field. “Um!” says PENDELL, and puts his selection for a Penny Reading The shaggy, rough hounds are working up-stream, swimming and away. Bed,
trotting, and stopping to examine the surface of any boulder which Morning Am aroused by PENDELL, who is always fresh. “Lovely strikes their noses as having been lately the temporary restingmorning," he says, opening the curtains. [Note. - When you're place of an otter. A few people on horseback are proceeding, slowly only one quarter awake there's something peculiarly obtrusive in in single file, along the bank. Difficult work for them. Ladies, too, any remark about the beauty of the day. To a person comfortably are on foot, and all going along as pleasantly as possible. Suddenly in bed and wishing to remain there, the state of the weather is a cry-a large dog is seen shaking its head wildly, and rubbing his comparatively uninteresting, unless it's dismally foggy or thoroughly front paws over his ears—another dog is rolling on the bankrainy, when, in either case, you can congratulate yourself upon your another plunges into the river furiously, also shaking his head cleverness and forethought in not having got up.] "Is it?" I ask. as if he was objecting to everything generally, and would rather Through the window I see only mist and drizzle.
drown than change his opinions. "Just the morning for otter-hunting !” exclaims PENDELL, en
Another cry. thusiastically. Then, as he's leaving the room, he turns, and says, Horses plunging-one almost into the river-shrieks of ladies"O, by the way, I've just remembered that Old RUDDOCK's pretty exclamations from pedestrians—the field is scattered—some attempt sure to be out with the hounds. He's great fun out hunting." to ford the river-some jump right in-some on horseback cross it
MONODY ON M'GRATH.
MASTER M‘GRATH has passed away;
prime-his twice-third year.
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.
We have just read in a delightful book that “Japa-
is of two kinds, “ Uta,” of purely native growth, and Labourer. “O, IT'S NAWTHIN PARTIO'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT-AT THE "Shi,” of Chinese origin and structure. The difference WHITE 'ART, SIR. BUT-(in extenuation) —CARISHMASH TIME, SIR-On'y Once between the Japanese and the English is that nearly A YEAR!”
all the modern poetry of the latter is Shi.
shouting-some plunge into the plantation on the left-some are The Field is pulling itself together again. PENDELL chuckles. running back upon us ! A panic.
"Did you see Old RUDDOCK ?” he asks. "There were two wasps Mad bull, perhaps—if so—with admirable presence of mind I at him." jump into the water up to my waist, and am making for the opposite No! It appears that Old RUDDOCK has been quite close to me side, when a man, running and smoking a short pipe, answers throughout the day. Yet there was no laughing crowd, and I
haven't heard one of RUDDOCK's jokes bruited about. Odd. Wonder my. South Waspathwasps nest?!". In a second I see them. At how the wasps liked KUDDOCK. me. Pursuing me. I dive my head under water. Wet through! Scramble up bank. One wasp is after me. One pertinaciously. My foot catches in a root, I am down. Wasp down too, close at my
RAILWAY REFORM. ear. A minute more I am up. Wasp up too, by my right ear.
An Inspiration. It flashes across me that wasps hate mud. At a meeting of Railway Directors, which will probably be held Don't know where I heard it. Think it was in some child's educa- in the middle of next week, it will be resolved, in order to increase tional book. No time for thinking. Jump-squish–into the
mud! the safety of the public, that no pointsman, guard, or engineOver my knees--boots nearly off. The last thing I see of PENDELL driver, shall ever be on duty much more than six-and-forty hours is holding on his spectacles with his left hand, and fighting a wasp at a stretch; and that every such servant shall always, when on with his stick in his right. Squish-flop-flosh! ... Up against a duty, be allowed at least four minutes, no less than three times stump-down in a morass. Vasp at me. Close to my ear as if he daily, for enjoyment of his meals. With the like view of security, wanted to tell me a secret. I won't hear it! Now I understand why it will also be resolved that porters shall on branch lines be required the dog shook his head. Through a bramble bush (like the Man to act as pointsmen, signalmen, and ticket-clerks, and that due and in the Nursery Rhyme, who scratched both his eyes out and in timely notice of the changes in the time-bills shall on no account be again by a similar operation), and come out torn and scratched, furnished to the drivers of goods trains. but dry as a pen after being dragged through a patent wiper of erect bristles. No wasp. Gone. I am free. But still I keep on. That's the only great danger in Otter-Hunting. At least, that I
To the Afflicted. know of at present.
I pick up the man with pipe. Kindest creature in the world. He A WORD of comforting advice to all those—and they are manyhas two pipes, and he fills and gives me one. He says, “Wasps both men and women, who are nursing a secret sorrow, grieving that won't attack a smoker."
they are short, small of stature, below the average size. Let them Flash.-Smoke.
think of those more than consolatory words, in that famous passage PENDELL comes up.
“ Um !-aha!” he
says ; narrow escape!” in Henry the Eighth, where SHAKSPEARE speaks of "the blessed He has not been stung.
ness of being little."
Liltle London Gent. “HE AIN'T GOING OUT HUNTING, TOO, IS HE?”
But after a few steps, of course you must take care to let the HINTS ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
handle of your warming-pan get stuck between your legs, and trip
you up occasionally; and (By a good Old-fashioned Clown.)
will manage that your sausages become
entangled so about you that, at every second step, you are obliged Knock at a shop-door, and then lie down flat in front of it, so to tumble down and roll along the ground, and double up into a that the shopman, coming out, may tumble headlong over you. heap, till the policeman, who keeps up the chace, comes close enough Then bolt into the shop, and cram into your pockets all the big to catch you. Then you will spring up again, and, jumping on his things you can find, so that in trying to get out, you cannot squeeze back, you will be carried off to Bow Street, with the small boys them through the doorway, For instance, if it be a watchmaker's, shouting after you; or, else, if you prefer it, you may“ bonnet clap an eight-day kitchen clock and a barometer or two, let us say, the policeman, and run away and hide yourself ere he can lift his in your right pocket, and a brass warming-pan, or some such little hat up, to see where you are gone to. article of jewellery (as you will take care to call it) in your left one; taking pains, of course, to let the handle stick well out of it. If it be a butcher's, pouch a leg of beef and half a sheep or so, and be sure not to forget to bring a yard or two of sausages trailing on the
SCIENCE FOR THE SEASON. ground behind you. Then, if you can't squeeze through the doorway, the simplest plan will be to jump clean through the shop-front, SIR CHARLES LYELL, according to a correspondent of the Daily and in doing this take care to smash as many panes of glass as you Telegraph, is credited with the saying that there are three things are able, crying out, of course, that you took a great pains” to do necessary for a geologist: the first is to travel; the second is to
En passant, you will kick into the street whatever goods are travel; and the third, also, is to travel. This seems to mean that in the window, and then run off as quickly as your heels can carry your geologist must travel, travel, travel over the face of the earth you.
in order to be enabled to explore its interior. The earth is round; If the shopman should pursue you, as most probably he will, make so is your plum-pudding : the earth has a crust; so has your mincehim a low bow, and say that it was really quite an accident, and pie. Happily, conditions like those needful for the exploration of that of course you mean to pay him-indeed, yes, on your honour .'" the earth do not delay analogous researches. If he won't believe you, punch him in the waistcoat, and batter him about with his barometer and warming-pan, or sausages and mutton. Should a policeman interfere, and want to know what you are up
Problem for the Poet Laureate. to, catch up your red-hot poker (which you will always have about The Knights of KING ARTHUR'S Round Table of course formed a you), and hold it hidden behind your back, while you beg him to Circle when they sat round it. Tournaments in general used to shake hands with you, because you mean to“ square the job" with come off in lists; but can the Author of The Last Tournament him. Then, when he puts his hand
out, slap the poker into it, and inform a Spiritualist whether, in a séance of ARTHUR's Knights at run away as fast as your stolen goods will let you.
Table, there was ever any table-tilting ?