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A VIRTUOUS VESTRY.
E it known that a sort of Fair or miscellaneous Market is held in the New Cut (excuse mention of such a place) every Sunday morning. There do people of the baser sort buy their Sunday dinners, and other matters which they fancy they want. The Lambeth Vestry, justly indignant at such goings on, appealed to COLONEL HENDERSON to put a stop to them. That haughty and sarcastic official declared that he should do nothing of the sort, unless the shopkeepers who keep their shops open on Sundays were also obliged to respect the day of rest. We pity the Colonel's want of logical power. What is there in common between
a respectable shopkeeper, who pays rates, and a low person who wheels a barrow, or rents the flap over a cellarage? The Vestry scorned such terms, and have been taking the names of the vendors at this fair, and such addresses as the miserable creatures could give. Summonses have been issued, but the matter stands over for a few weeks.
At the end of that time, Mr. Punch cordially trusts that the Lambeth Vestry will sternly carry out their plan for promoting the respectability of the New Cut, and if COLONEL HENDERSON again refuses to help them, let appeal be made to MR. BRUCE. There is not the least pretence for holding the Fair. Let the people in and about the New Cut buy their fish, meat, and the rest of their luxuries on Saturday. What is to prevent them from doing so. Wages are always paid at an early hour on Saturday, and by four o'clock on that day the wife of an artisan has always received from her husband the bulk of his earnings, less perhaps by a trifle which she playfully returns to him, that he may have a pipe and a pint before going to bed. He would be considered a bad fellow if he did not give her the money, or if she had to coax it out of him late, or to take it from his pocket when he had sunk into the gentle slumber of intoxication. That he should surlily refuse it, and strike her, and force her to wait until morning brought better temper, is too monstrous an idea. "Our flesh and blood" never does this sort of thing. Let the Wife therefore make her purchases on Saturday. Let her take her fish and meat home. We are perfectly aware that they are perishable articles, but we suppose that they can be put into the pantry down-stairs, or that, if domestics or cats are distrusted, the food can be placed in the refrigerator. That article is cheap enough, anyhow, and a very good one can be got for three or four guineas, and it is the affectation of ignorance to say that ice is not at hand, for we know that the Wenham Lake carts go round several times a week-this we state from our own knowledge, and we hate sentimentality. By this means not only will offence to the refined natures of the Lambeth Vestry be avoided, but the vendors of the articles will be released from work, and enabled to attend places of worship. To their own declaration that but for Sunday trade they must go to the workhouse, we lend a deaf ear. Morality cannot yield to Necessity. A prudent man will earn his income in six days. If he cannot, we must echo the remark made by a conscientious person at a meeting on the subject, and say, "Let him starve."
Mr. Punch strongly upholds the Lambeth Vestry in this business, and thinks their conduct quite worthy of the reputation they have so long borne. He is much displeased with the Colonel of Police, and hopes never to have to say, in MR. POPE's words
"Stern HENDERSON repented, And gave them back the Fair."
If Vestries will enforce Sabbatarianism, and if Alliances will totally deprive the weaker classes of the Refreshments of which they mostly make bad use, we shall raise the standard of national morals, and entirely efface the discontent which some persons believe is felt with national institutions.
SEASONABLE SENTIMENT.-May the Commission of Inquiry into the Megæra business get to the bottom of it!
HOROSCOPE FOR 1872.
WITH the aid of this ingenious little instrument, the horoscope, which is simple in construction, easily cleaned, and to be had of all respectable dealers throughout the kingdom in gold, silver, motherof-pearl, ormolu, aluminium, and other suitable materials, a clear insight may be obtained, on a fine evening, into the more salient events of the year one thousand eight hundred and seventy-two.
The observations we have been enabled to make with one of these instruments (fitted with the patent self-acting forecaster) are so startling that, without loss of time, we hasten to lay them before the world, for the guidance and direction of reigning Sovereigns, Cabinet Ministers, School-Boards, Members of Parliament, Mayors, Magistrates, Mothers of Marriageable Daughters, Managers of Theatres, Newspaper Editors, Speculators, and others, who may be desirous to make their arrangements at once for the ensuing twelve months.
Parliament will meet early in February, a few days after it ceases to be legal to slaughter pheasants. It will be prorogued early in August, about the period when grouse-shooting becomes a lawful pastime.
The HOME SECRETARY will withdraw several measures in the course of the Session.
The London School-Board, by the active interposition of its Beadles, will clear the streets of from ten to twenty children. Australian meat will appear on the bill of fare at the Lord Mayor's banquets.
will take place, one which ought to make a great noise in the world, In the month of February a most serious astronomical occurrence and is likely to be attended with disastrous consequences to those who may be unfortunate enough to be on the spot-the full moon will fall on Saturday, the 24th.
There will be at least one new cookery-book published during the year.
Good port wine will become scarcer and dearer than ever. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER will, in his annual Budget, cards, dolls, pins, perambulators, umbrellas, and wigs. propose a tax upon one or more of the following articles:-calling
The Mines Regulation Bill will be brought before Parliament; also the COLLIER affair.
rots, bullfinches, and squirrels at the Crystal Palace. The DUCHESS There will be a show (the first) of guinea-pigs, white mice, paroF LAUNCESTON, LADY IDA DOWN, and the Honourable MRS. ALFRED WARBLEMORE will act as Judges.
Several new animals will be added to the collection in the Zoo
cluded, and, after deliberating for several days, will return into The jury in the Tichborne case will retire when the trial is conCourt late at night, and deliver their verdict amidst breathless silence. The LORD CHIEF BARON will have a sleeping apartment fitted up in the Westminster Sessions House, that no time may be lost in calling him up to receive the verdict. Several Colonial Bishops will return home.
An eye should be kept on the Pope, the Orleans Princes, the Irish Roman Catholic Bishops, the Publicans, the Republicans, the Spiritualists, the Ritualists, SIR CHARLES DILKE, MR. WHALLEY, MR. BUTT, and MR. BROCK, the pyrotechnist, as they may all be expected to do extraordinary things.
An eminent Archdeacon of the Established Church, well known in the West of England, will conduct the services at MR. SPURGEON'S Tabernacle, and MR. SPURGEON will exchange pulpits with him.
the season. A new Opera will be brought out on the last night but two of
There will be some failures in the City, and constant stoppages in the streets.
The British Public will remit large sums of money for the relief of the Chinese, and allow charitable institutions at home to languish for want of funds.
MR. JOHN BROWN, MR. THOMAS JONES, MR. WILLIAM ROBINSON, MR. JAMES THOMPSON, MR. CHARLES JACKSON, and MR. HENRY SMITH will contract matrimonial alliances after harvest.
The Gulf Stream will be heard of again, probably for the last time, the tendency of modern scientific investigation being to show up that bugbear as a humbug.
MR. DISRAELI will deliver an address de omnibus rebus et quibusdam aliis, at Glasgow at Easter, and on Cottage Cookery at Hughenden in the autumn.
Letters will be addressed to MR. GLADSTONE demanding explanations from him as to his religion, his relations, his favourite poet, and his private account at his banker's.
Oysters will be sixpence apiece.
Spain will have one or two new Ministries.
The estimates will include a vote for the purchase of robes and a wig for the new SPEAKER.
Ir became our duty, some weeks ago, to invite the attention of our readers to the fact that a Memorial Fund, in aid of the Widow and unmarried Daughters of our late lamented friend, MARK LEMON, had been opened. On a page at the end of our present issue will be found the list of those who have subscribed to the Fund. Several donors have been generous, many have been very liberal, and thanks are due to those who have "done what they could." But the aggregate amount as yet obtained is altogether inadequate to the purpose, that of making a permanent provision for those so dear to one who never lost an opportunity of doing a kindness. It is with reluctance that, after examining the list, we admit to ourselves that very much is owed to private friendship, and comparatively little to public recognition of the noble character and the merits of MARK LEMON. Believing, as we sincerely believe, that we may account for this by supposing that thousands are still unacquainted with the fact that their aid is invited, we re-iterate our Appeal. We venture also to ask our contemporaries, who have already so ably and kindly promoted the object, again to perform that labour of love. We, lastly, call attention to the notice at the foot of the list, stating how subscriptions can be forwarded. Some misapprehension on this point may have retarded the liberality which we refuse to believe will not be shown to those who possess such inherited and such personal claim to the kindly consideration of all.
A SAGE said to a Schoolboy, home for the holidays, "A contented mind is a continual feast." "Is it?" quoth young Hopeful, "I should rather say that a continual feast was a contented mind."
THE RETICENCE OF THE PRESS.
THE American Press admires the reticence which the British Press has practised during the seventy odd days occupied in hearing one side of a cause which will be celebrated. The English Press also takes credit to itself for that reticence. It is, doubtless, exemplary. By not interfering with, we know how much it furthers, the administration of Justice. A trial such as the great lawsuit now pending, or any other in a British Court of Law, is determined, the minds of the jury are mere scales. The Counsel on either side we all know, simply by the weight of evidence, in relation to which respectively confine themselves to the production of true evidence each on behalf of his client, and the refutation of false evidence advanced for the opposite party. The Judge is the only person in Court who expresses any opinion on the case which could possibly influence the jury; his opinion being expressed under the obligation tiff or the defendant, ever attempts to bias their decision either by of strict impartiality. No barrister, whether counsel for the plainsophistry or appeals to their passions and prejudices. It is therefore highly necessary that the Press should abstain as strictly as it does from any explanation or argument with reference to a pending suit which, how sincerely soever meant to instruct, might possibly have the effect of misleading the jury sitting thereon.
If, indeed, Counsel were usually accustomed to employ the arts of oratory, and the dodges of dialectics, in order to make the worst appear the better cause in the eyes of twelve men more or less liable to be deceived and deluded, then, indeed, the reticence of a respectable and intelligent Press, in abstaining from any remarks capable of helping a jury to deliver a righteous verdict, would not perhaps be quite so purely advantageous as it is now.
Riddle for the Young Folks.
WHY are the two letters at the tail the most sensible of all the Alphabet ?-Because they are the Wise Head.
OH GOOSEBERRY! MY FATHER
Process of Going to Bed Early.MRS. PENDELL retires at nine, having seen that " everything we want" is left out on the sideboard. PENDELL observes that he shan't be half an hour at most before he's upstairs. I yawn, to show how tired I am, and corroborate his statement as to the time we intend to pass in front of the fire. MRS. PENDELL has retired. PENDELL wishes to know what I'll take. Nothing, I thank him. PENDELL doesn't "think-um-that-he 'll-umtake anything," and stands before a row of bottles with the critical air of a Commander-in-Chief reviewing the line. It almost looks as if he wanted a bottle to step out of the rank and invite him to make up his mind at once and take a drop of him. In order not to prevent him from enjoying himself, I sacrifice myself, and Well, I'll have just the smallest glass of whiskey." PENDELL is of opinion that no one can do better than whiskey, it being, he says, the most wholesome spirit.
We whiskey. The quarter-past arrives. We take no notice of it, except that PENDELL remarks that that clock is about twelve minutes fast, in which case, of course, we have nearly half an hour at our disposal. Conversation commences. We somehow get upon Literature, especially upon the subject of my Analytical History of Motion. PENDELL quotes a line from somewhere. We
can't think where it is to be found.
This leads PENDELL to the book-shelves. While he is up, would he mind just mixing me the least drop more whiskey and water, plenty of water. He does so, and continues his search for the book, ending by bringing down the Ingoldsby Legends. "Do I remember this one?" he asks me. No, I have forgotten it. He thinks the line he quoted is there. He is, he says, going to give it at a Penny Reading, and has already done so with great success. He reads a few lines.
ALK over all these arrangements at dinner. Then, as we have, PENDELL tells me, to be up early for otterhunting, we determine upon going to bed early.
Flash.-Ask him to read. Nothing so pleasant as the sound of some one reading poetry when you're very tired, and are sitting before a good fire. Light a pipe as an aid to listening comfortably. Better than going to bed. Besides, if he reads, it's his fault that we don't go to bed early, as we told MRS. PENDELL we would.
He reads aloud. I interrupt him occasionally (opening my eyes to do so), just to show I am attending, and twice I dispute the propriety of his emphasis; but I don't sustain my side of the argument, from a feeling that to close my eyes and be droned to sleep, is preferable to straining every nerve in order to talk and keep awake.
11 o'clock, P. M. PENDELL stops, and says, "Why, you're asleep!" I reply that he is mistaken (having, in fact, just been awoke by feeling as if a spring had given way at the nape of my neck), but I own, candidly, to feeling a little tired. "Um!" says PENDELL, and puts his selection for a Penny Reading away. Bed, Morning.-Am aroused by PENDELL, who is always fresh. "Lovely morning," he says, opening the curtains. [Note.-When you're only one quarter awake there's something peculiarly obtrusive in any remark about the beauty of the day. To a person comfortably in bed and wishing to remain there, the state of the weather is comparatively uninteresting, unless it's dismally foggy or thoroughly rainy, when, in either case, you can congratulate yourself upon your cleverness and forethought in not having got up.] "Is it ?" I ask. Through the window I see only mist and drizzle.
"Just the morning for otter-hunting!" exclaims PENDELL, enthusiastically. Then, as he's leaving the room, he turns, and says, "O, by the way, I've just remembered that Old RUDDOCK's pretty sure to be out with the hounds. He's great fun out hunting."
This stirs me into something like exertion. Otters and RUDDOCK. RUDDOCK, during a check, setting the field in a roar.
At Breakfast."Um," Um," says PENDELL, thinking over something as he cuts a ham," we shan't want to take anything with us, because Old PENOLVER gives us lunch. He's a picture of an Old English Squire is PENOLVER. Quite a picture of a-um-yes- "here he apparently considers to himself whether he has given a correct definition of PENOLVER or not. He seems satisfied, and closes his account of him by repeating, "Yes-um-yes-an Old English Squire, you know-quite a character in his way," (I thought so,) "and you'll have pasties and cider."
"Pasties!" I exclaim. The word recalls Bluff KING HAL's time, the jollifications-by my halidame!-gadsol-crushing a cup, and so forth. Now I have the picture before me (in my mind's eye) of the Old English Squire, attended by grooms bearing pasties and flagons, meeting the Otter Hunters with spears and dogs. Good! Excellent! I feel that My Health will be benefited by the air of the olden time. And perhaps by the pasties.
Do any ladies come ?" I ask.
Safe to," answers PENDELL, "last day of hunting-all the ladies out-sort of show meet, and lounge."
Pasties, flagons, dames, gallants with lutes, and pages with beakers of wine. I am all anxiety to start.
The Drive.-Bleak, misty, sharp, dreary. I am in summer costume of flannels, intended for running. Hope we shall have some running, as at present I'm blue with cold and shivering.
Six miles finished.-We get out at a tumble-down roadside inn. Three boys, each one lankier and colder-looking than the other, are standing together with their hands in their pockets, there being evidently among them a dearth of gloves. A rough man in a velveteen coat and leggings appears, carrying a sort of quarter-staff spiked. I connect him at once with otters. PENDELL returns his salute. This is the Huntsman. The three chilly boys are the Field. We are all shivering, and evidently only half awake. Is this what PENDELL calls a show meet, and a lounge ?" an otter hunt." The chilly boys hearing this, turn away, the man Flash.-To say brightly, "Well, it couldn't have been colder for with the spear takes it literally and is offended, "because," he says, we might ha' had a much worse day." PENDELL says to himself, thoughtfully. "Um-colder-otter-ha! Yes, I see. I've made that myself lots of times." I thought that down here, perhaps, it feel it's the only one I've got, preface it by saying, "Of course wouldn't have been known. Never risk an old joke again. If I you've heard what the Attorney-General said the other day to (some one) ?" and then, if on being told, they say, "O! that's very old," why it's not your fault.
DELL and friend heartily and courteously. Is sorry that it's the last A fly appears on the road with the Master. He welcomes PENmeet. Thinks it's a bad day, and in the most genial manner possible damps all my hopes of seeing an otter. A few weeks ago," he says, "there were plenty of otters." Flash.-To find out if that spearing-picture is correct. Show myself deeply interested in otters.
The Master says that spearing is unsportsmanlike. number two. No spears. We walk on, and get a little warmer. More "Field" meets us: some mounted.
We have been walking miles along the banks of a stream, crossing difficult stepping-stones, climbing over banks eight feet high [thank goodness, impossible for horses], with drops on the other side, and occasional jumpings down, which shake your teeth, but still you land on your own legs, and if you fall you haven't got a brute on the top of you, or rolling over you, or kicking out your brains with his hind hoofs. We number about sixty in the Field. The shaggy, rough hounds are working up-stream, swimming and trotting, and stopping to examine the surface of any boulder which strikes their noses as having been lately the temporary restingplace of an otter. A few people on horseback are proceeding, slowly in single file, along the bank. Difficult work for them. Ladies, too, are on foot, and all going along as pleasantly as possible. Suddenly a cry-a large dog is seen shaking its head wildly, and rubbing his front paws over his ears-another dog is rolling on the bankanother plunges into the river furiously, also shaking his head as if he was objecting to everything generally, and would rather drown than change his opinions.
Horses plunging-one almost into the river-shrieks of ladiesexclamations from pedestrians-the field is scattered-some attempt to ford the river-some jump right in-some on horseback cross it
PENDELL comes up. "Um!-aha!" he says;
MONODY ON M'GRATH.
He was a dog of high repute.
MASTER M'GRATH, old Ireland's pride,
This peerless paragon of hounds,
He was presented to the QUEEN,
M'GRATH returns to his Dam Earth.
They won't continue, for a week,
Upon the Dog defunct that lies
shouting-some plunge into the plantation on the left-some are
Mad bull, perhaps if so-with admirable presence of mind I
"No! Wasps! Wasps' nest!!" In a second I see them. At
I pick up the man with pipe. Kindest creature in the world. He
WE have just read in a delightful book that "Japanese verse is for the most part lyric or descriptive." It is of two kinds, "Uta," of purely native growth, and "Shi," of Chinese origin and structure. The difference between the Japanese and the English is that nearly all the modern poetry of the latter is Shi.
The Field is pulling itself together again. PENDELL chuckles. "Did you see Old RUDDOCK ?" he asks. "There were two wasps at him.'
No! It appears that Old RUDDOCK has been quite close to me throughout the day. Yet there was no laughing crowd, and I haven't heard one of RUDDOCK's jokes bruited about. Odd. Wonder how the wasps liked RUDDOCK.
To the Afflicted.
A WORD of comforting advice to all those-and they are manyboth men and women, who are nursing a secret sorrow, grieving that they are short, small of stature, below the average size. Let them think of those more than consolatory words, in that famous passage narrow escape!" in Henry the Eighth, where SHAKSPEARE speaks of-"the blessedness of being little."
SCENE-Railway Station in a Town where Highland Regiment is quartered. Foxhunters taking Train for the Meet.
Little London Gent. "HE AIN'T GOING OUT HUNTING, TOO, IS HE?"
Funny Friend. "OF COURSE HE IS."
Little London Gent. "WELL, BUT WON'T IT BE RATHER RISKY RIDING IN THOSE
HINTS ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
KNOCK at a shop-door, and then lie down flat in front of it, so
Should a policeman interfere, and want to know what you are up to, catch up your red-hot poker (which you will always have about you), and hold it hidden behind your back, while you beg him to shake hands with you, because you mean to" square the job" with him. Then, when he puts his hand out, slap the poker into it, and run away as fast as your stolen goods will let you.
But after a few steps, of course you must take care to let the handle of your warming-pan get stuck between your legs, and trip you up occasionally; and you will manage that your sausages become entangled so about you that, at every second step, you are obliged to tumble down and roll along the ground, and double up into a heap, till the policeman, who keeps up the chace, comes close enough to catch you. Then you will spring up again, and, jumping on his back, you will be carried off to Bow Street, with the small boys shouting after you; or, else, if you prefer it, you may "bonnet the policeman, and run away and hide yourself ere he can lift his hat up, to see where you are gone to.
If the shopman should pursue you, as most probably he will, make
SCIENCE FOR THE SEASON.
SIR CHARLES LYELL, according to a correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, is credited with the saying that there are three things necessary for a geologist: the first is to travel; the second is to travel; and the third, also, is to travel. This seems to mean that your geologist must travel, travel, travel over the face of the earth in order to be enabled to explore its interior. The earth is round; so is your plum-pudding: the earth has a crust; so has your mincepie. Happily, conditions like those needful for the exploration of
Problem for the Poet Laureate.
THE Knights of KING ARTHUR'S Round Table of course formed a Circle when they sat round it. Tournaments in general used to come off in lists; but can the Author of The Last Tournament inform a Spiritualist whether, in a séance of ARTHUR'S Knights at Table, there was ever any table-tilting ?