"Besides, such is the pleasantry-I would not say the profit of our English law, that if he fails in this case he may go at it again with fresh witnesses, let us hope with fresh counsel (laughter)-at least with a fresh jury-I say nothing of a fresh judge. (Continued laughter.)" invitation of the Egyptian, must arise from a sense of politeness on his part, which, as there is nothing edible on the table, I fancy, except one plate of fruit, will not permit him to deprive Arbaces of even a portion of a dessert that has, evidently, been only ordered for one. Mr. Barlow. Indeed, HARRY, I think you are right, and had Arbaces thought of it, I am certain he would willingly have extended his hospitality to a bag of nuts or some cakes of gingerbread. But must remember that Appy Cides, or, as he seems to me, Un-'appy Cides, is only the pupil of Arbaces, and does not appear at his tutor's table, until dessert-time. you Tommy. If I were there I would go and eat everything, and then I would dance with one of the young ladies. Mr. Barlow. I am sorry, TOMMY, that you are of that mind; and at another time for I perceive that the good people in the pit, by their repeated cries of hush, and by the direction of their attention towards us, wish rather to hear the dialogue on the stage than my discourse, which is, after all, of a personal and private characterat another time, I was about to say, I will read to you an instructive story on greediness, entitled Chares and the Convulsive Tailor. TOMMY looked on at the piece very sulkily for some time, being, indeed, intent upon the antique cups and goblets and upon the plate of luscious fruit which he had already noticed. But on seeing that neither Arbaces nor the sentimental young gentleman partook of anything that was provided for them, he began to have high opinion of their breeding, and before, the scene was finished was heartily sorry for his error, and applauded all he saw and heard with increasing rapture and delight. Mr. Barlow. You may, indeed, evince your gratitude to these worthy people, since they have done all in their power to entertain The members of the Temperance League, and the United Kingdom and instruct us. And, indeed, where all is done so vastly well, I Alliance must surely have been shocked, as many as those who know not what to commend most, whether the sonorous voice and read and duly considered the foregoing words, by the idea which dignified scoundrelism of that twice-crushed Priest of Isis, the they suggest of a generally Fresh Court of Common Pleas. This iniquitous and unprincipled Arbaces, played by the remarkably horrid image was enough to have unfixed their hair and made their upright and conscientious actor, MR. RYDER; or whether the excited hearts knock at their ribs beyond the use of nature. Sobriety gentle pleadings of the blind Nydia-MISS HODSON is the young is so specially characteristic of the Ermine that "sober as a Judge" lady's name, my dear TOMMY, and I have no doubt she saw and is an adage; not, indeed, because Judges are supposed not to appreciated your boyish enthusiasm-or the bearing of MR. RIGNOLD drink, but to be able to drink any quantity. Irreproachable with throughout a remarkably difficult and most trying part. But, laxity in the discharge of their high functions, British Judges are HARRY, what is your opinion? at all times incapable of getting tight. EVENINGS FROM HOME. Harry. Why, Sir, I am very little judge of these matters, but I protest that I feel mightily indebted to those clever gentlemen, MASTERS GORDON and HARFORD (I had well-nigh slipt into the error of saying MASTERS MERTON and SANDFORD) for the scenery which has so admirably served to illustrate this play. I am sorry that Appy Cides was killed, as, having become a Christian, there MR. BARLOW, with MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, at the QUEEN'S would, I am sure, have been every opportunity open to him as an THEATRE, to see "The Last Days of Pompeii." Tommy. Pray, Sir, what and where was Pompeii? Mr. Barlow. It was, my dear TOMMY, a Roman municipality, full of eligible villas, pleasantly situated in the immediate neighbourhood of Mount Vesuvius, and within easy reach of the sea. It was "a place to spend a happy day," and "there and back" from Naples formed one of the chief excursions, at a very moderate rate, for the middle classes of Neapolis. They had just commenced this instructive and entertaining conversation, when the curtain rising discovered to their eager eyes as artistic and effective a scene (with the exception of stationary painted groups, whose fixed attitude strangely contrasted with the movement of the actors in front of them) as it had hitherto been their lot to behold. As the play went on, HARRY requested permission of MR. BARLOW to ask a question. Harry. Did you not tell us, Sir, that the "e" in Pompeii was long? Harry. And did you not also tell us that one of the purposes of a theatrical exhibition, such as this is, is the advancement of education among all sorts and conditions of people? Mr. Barlow. You are again correct, and truly I begin to perceive the drift of your remark. Therefore let me tell you that had any Eton boy said Pompeii, instead of Pompeii, he would speedily have been taught the force of an argumentum addressed, as was one of HORACE'S Odes, ad puerum. Harry. Surely too, Sir, a diphthong is long; so that the name Apocides should not be rendered Appy-cides, as if the name were an unaspirated pronunciation of Happy Cides. To this MR. BARLOW replied that doubtless these honest folks had cogent reasons for their mode of pronunciation, with which he advised HARRY to become acquainted, before taking upon himself to pronounce an unmitigated condemnation of them. You will now perceive, TOMMY," said MR. BARLOW, during the performance of the Third Scene of the First Act, "that the crafty Arbaces is anxious to entice the sentimental young gentleman, Appy Cides, to partake of the repast with him." Harry. But, Sir, surely the young man's objection to accept the estimable young curate of evangelical proclivities. Tommy (during the cleverly arranged Amphitheatre Scene, Act IV.) I am glad to see, Sir, that in this scene where we have so much to admire, the tumblers Mr. Barlow. These, my dear TOMMY, represent the gladiators. And you must remember that on the stage, where every combat has to be carefully arranged both as to the number and fashion of the blows given and received, and as to who shall be, and who shall not rather of two champions whose course has been previously deterbe the conqueror, the contest of two determined champions, or mined, cannot fail to be of a most thrilling and exciting character. Tommy. O, Sir! they have given orders to let the Lion loose. O, Sir! the Lion is coming! Harry. I do not believe that all these fine gentlemen and ladies would remain so still if there were, indeed, a Lion approaching. Mr. Barlow. The Lion, my dear TOMMY, is a native of both India and Africa. When they are hungry, they kill every animal they meet, and will even devour little boys Here poor TOMMY'S trepidation was increased to such an extent that he would have quitted his seat and the theatre, but for the sudden entry of the traitor Calenus, whose charge of murder brought against his master, the wily Arbaces, instantly distracted everyone's thoughts from the coming of the expected monster. Both MR. BARLOW and HARRY were loud in their praises of the dramatist who had contrived to arouse in the breasts of the spectators such emotions of fear, by the absence of the Lion, as could scarcely have been equalled by his formidable presence. "Indeed," said MR. BARLOW," on reflection, I am led to consider the chiefest part in this piece to be the Lion's share in it. He is spoken of at the commencement of the play, he is often alluded to throughout, and the bare mention of his name sensibly electrifies the spectators on and off the stage. From the very first we are incited to expect his appearance. He has not to roar to make himself dreaded. He has not even to be present, either on or off, the scene. Harry. This device is, in my humble judgment, worthy of high commendation in the play-wright, who has thus evinced his reverence for the words of the immortal WILLIAM, and whose plan is in cordial agreement with Bottom's opinion on this very matter, "Now, DEAR, WHICH DO YOU PREFER FOR THE 'TOPS' ?-THE DEEPER SHADE, OR VERY PALEST PINK?" which, my dear TOMMY, as you are as yet unacquainted with the works of SHAKSPEARE, I will repeat to you. Masters," says Bottom, "You ought to consider with yourselves, to bring in a lion among ladies is a most dreadful thing, for there is not a more fearful wild fowl than your lion, living." TOMMY was so forcibly struck by this adroit application of a famous passage from the plays of SHAKSPEARE, that he determined, on the first opportunity to read all these dramas through from beginning to end. And having already set himself to the study of astronomy and mechanics, solely in order to make himself as proficient in the art of applicable illustrations as was his friend HARRY MERTON, TOMMY now found that he had at least one hour of the day fully occupied. On their return from the theatre MR. BARLOW, ever anxious for the improvement of both his young friends, commenced reading to them the story of The Magistrate and the Elephant; but, seeing that both his young friends were fast asleep in their chairs, he lit his chamber-candle and retired for the night. VINDICTIVE TEUTONS. THERE is a good deal of talk in France about revenge to be taken one of these days upon the Germans for having repelled and beaten their invaders. In the meanwhile, according to the Post, those barbarous Germans are trying to revenge themselves, in their heavy way, on the enemies who have been twitting them with stealing clocks and watches, by an "IMPORTANT RESTORATION OF SPECIE. - The Courrier de Meurthe et Moselle announces that the six millions of francs which had fallen into the to the Bank of France, are about to be restored to that establishment through hands of the German troops after the capitulation of Strasburg, and belonging its branch bank at Nancy." This, of course, is a practical sarcasm at the expense of a nation represented by some of its orators and statesmen as having been aggrieved by being forced to restore pictures and works of Art which the First NAPOLEON and his gangs in uniform had pillaged from On entering his room somewhat suddenly, a pair of boots, their neighbours. It is obviously meant to suggest an odious comartfully placed so as to rest on the door, which had been stand-parison between those who make restitution of even lawful plunder ing ajar, descended on his head; and the next instant, on his in hard cash, and those others who grumble because of having been taking one step forward, he came in contact with a stout string, so compelled to replace Art-treasures actually stolen, and that in some skilfully fastened, as not only to throw him sharply on the floor, but, cases from friends. This is clumsy German satire to be sure, but it being cunningly connected with the fire-irons and the washing-tumbles down pretty heavily for all that on the heads of them that stand, it brought down these articles also with a great crash and shouted "A Berlin!" much confusion. Before he could arise from his painful position, TOMMY and HARRY had rushed up-stairs to render to their revered preceptor what assistance was in their power. Being questioned as to the hand they had had in this strange affair, MASTER TOMMY, with becoming modesty, acknowledged that it was he who had devised the scheme. "And," said he, "I protest I think it is no inadequate representation of what must have been the consequence in several houses during the Eruption of Mount Vesuvius in the Last Days of Pompeii.' So saying, both the boys withdrew themselves rapidly from their beloved tutor's apartment, and locked themselves into their own rooms. Soon after this, they were all in a sound slumber, which lasted until a late hour on the following morning. Sporting News. THE lovers of manly British sports will be glad to know that there is a chance of seeing another good fight, or so, before the law is altered. A rattling mill is to come off in the north of the West Riding. POWELL, the well-known Cambridge Slogger, is matched against HOLDEN, of the above parts, who has not fought in public, but is known in the Chapel districts as a determined cove. As this will be nearly the last of the real old English fights, much interest is excited. The white chokers are with PoWELL, and HOLDEN is backed by the humbler humboxes. Both men will do all they know, and a clinking good contest may be expected. NEGATIVE KNOWLEDGE. We never knew a cabman with an eyeglass, or a chimneysweep with spectacles. We never knew a lady buy a bargain at a shop sale, and not afterwards regret it. We never knew a man propose the toast of the evening, without his wishing that it had not been placed in abler hands. We never knew a waiter in a hurry, at a chop-house, who did not say that he was "Coming, Sir!" when really he was going. We never lost a game to a professional at billiards, without hearing him assign his triumph chiefly to his flukes. TO THE STATE COACHMAN. (Suggested by a Passage in the new Q. R.) "CANNING did not know that tadpoles GLADSTONE goes in for omniscience; As when PAM's whip stung with banter, WILLIAM! Punch, who likes you, counsels- CONSERVATION OF TISSUE." Uncle. "WELL, TOMMY, YOU SEE I'M BACK; ARE YOU READY? HAVE I TO PAY FOR, MISS?" WHAT No Misnomer. A CORRESPONDENT of the Times, whose note is headed" Civil Service Grammar," writes a remonstrance because he has seen a Government Cart going about inscribed "Her Majesty's Stationary Office." He is evidently under a misconception as to what office is meant, for what man who reflects on the progress of the new Law Courts, the new National Gallery, the new Miss. "THREE BUNS, FOUR SPONGE CAKES, TWO SANDWICHES, ONE JELLY, Natural History Museum, the Wellington Monument, FIVE TARTS, AND Uncle. "GOOD GRACIOUS, BOY! ARE YOU NOT ILL?" Tommy. "No, UNCLE; BUT I'M THIRSTY." IN ANGELE HONOREM. "A Meeting was held in the Hall of Columbia Market, on Monday evening, SIR THOMAS DAKIN in the Chair, to consider what testimonial of public respect and gratitude should be offered to BARONESS BURDETT COUTTS."Daily News. SWEET names there are that carry sweet natures in their sound; For e'en that stream, ill-guided, can poison goodly ground- &c., can doubt for a moment that "Her Majesty's Stationary Office" is the Office of Works and Public Buildings? What record, parchment-blazoned, closed in golden casket rare, PIG-AND-BARGAIN-DRIVING. THE Eastern Morning News-what a pretty name-why not the Dawn?-hath a prosaic item: this: WANTED, & GROOM and Coachman, and to assist the Gardener. Wages, 18s. per week to commence with, to be advanced 18. per year for every year he remains. Must understand horses and pigs, and be able to drive one, or a pair. We do not think the wages too high. A celebrated Oxford Don, who could make Greek verses as fast as mill-wheels strike, yet who was not so ready with ordinary English, beheld, from the top of a coach, a drover striving to guide some pigs along the road. Wishing to be conversational, the Don observed to his neighbour, "A difficult Animal to drive is a Pig-one man-a good many-very." Here, observe, were the materials for a pleasing remark, but they needed arrangement. He was right, however. Pigs are difficult to drive, and the Yorkshire advertiser who wants a man able to drive one pig, or a pair, is right in offering him the above noble rise in wage. Correspondents will abstain from vulgar suggestions about a pig and a "hog "'-we don't understand them. THOUGH you love to laugh, and we all love to laugh with you, I know that you are kindness itself when an afflicted woman throws herself upon your sympathy. This letter will not be quite so short as I could wish; but, unless you have my whole story, you will not understand my sorrow. My boy, JOHNNY, is one of the dearest boys you can imagine. I send you his photograph, though it does not half justice to the sweetness and intelligence of his features; besides, on the day it was taken, he had a cold, and his hair had not been properly cut, and the photographer was very impatient, and after eight or nine sittings, he insisted that I ought to be satisfied. I could tell you a hundred anecdotes of my boy's cleverness, but three or four, perhaps, will be enough. [More than enough, dear Madam. We proceed to the paragraph that follows them.] His father, I regret to say, though a kind parent, does not see in JOHNNY the talent and genius which I am certain he possesses. The child, who is eleven years and eleven months old, goes (alas, I must say went) to a Private Academy of the most respectable description. Only twelve young gentlemen are taken, and the terms are about £100 a-year, and most things extra. The manners of the pupils are strictly looked after; they have no coarse amusements; and, to see them neatly dressed, going arm-in-arm, two and two, for a walk, was quite delightful. I shall never see them again without tears. a monastery, and worships graven images. [You see he had been beautifully taught.] Papa. But what word, in the name of anachronisms, do you make a nun? Johnny. Nonne. O, I forgot, Pa, that's French. [Instead of being pleased that the child knew three languages instead of two, his Papa burst out laughing.] Papa. Try this: -Tu, nisi ventis Johnny. If it wasn't for the wind, You ought to play in a cave. Papa. Ha! Well, here's the last; we may as well go through it. Papa. Mind your letter-writing, will you? [But I wasn't letterwriting. I was making notes.] Nuper sollicitum quæ mihi tædium. Johnny. Lately a solicitor was a great bore to me. Papa. [To do him justice, he recovered his good-humour and roared.] A great bore, was he? They are bores sometimes. Now thenNunc desiderium, curaque non levis. Johnny. I do not care for the light of the stars. Papa. Hang it, JOHNNY, how do you get at "stars" in that line? My husband was desirous that JOHNNY should have a sound classical education, and we believed-I believe still-that this is given at the Private School in question. One evening during the holidays, my husband asked JOHNNY what Latin Book he was reading. The child replied, without hesitation or thought-"Horace." Very good," said his father, taking down the odious book. "Let you and me have a little go-in at Horace." I went to my desk, Mr. Punch, and, as I write very fast, I resolved to make notes of what occurred, for i felt that JOHNNY would cover himself with glory and honour. This is what occurred. Of course, I filled in the horrid Latin, after-stones at their ship. wards, from the book, which I could gladly have burned. Papa. Well, let us see, my boy, suppose we take Hymn number xiv. You know all about that? Ad Rempublicam. What does that mean? Johnny. O, we never learn the titles. Papa. Pity, because they help you to the meaning. But come, what's Rempublicam? Johnny. I suppose it means a public thing. Rem's a thing, and publicus is public. Was not that clever in the dear fellow, putting words together like that, Mr. Punch? Will you believe it, his Papa did nothing but give him a grunt ?] Papa. Go on. O navis, referent in mare te novi Johnny. O, navy, referring to the sea. I have known thee. What will the waves do? [I thought this quite beautiful, like "What are the Wild Waves Saying?"] Papa. Ah! Proceed. -fortiter occupa Portum. Nonne vides Johnny. Bravely occupy the door. You see a nun. Papa. A nun, child. What do you mean? Interfusa nitentes What do you make of that? "With an infusion of nitre the vines are equal to Cyclops "-is that it ? Johnny. I think so, Papa dear. The Cyclops were great giants, who poked out the eye of Achilles with a hot stick, for throwing Papa. Go to bed! Johnny. What for, Papa ? Myself. Yes, what for, Tom? I'm sure the dear fellow has done his best to please you. Papa. You are right. It is I who ought to be sent to bed. All right, JOHNNY. Let us have a game at the Battle of Dorking-get the board. That's good fun. But £100 a-year, and sollicitum, a solicitor, isn't. However, we'll alter that. And, dear Mr. Punch, he gave notice the very next day that JOHNNY should not go back to the Private School, and is going to send him to a College, to be starved, fagged, beaten, knocked down with cricket-balls, trampled down at football, and taught to fight. Believe me, yours, AN UNHAPPY MOTHER. True Thomas of Chelsea. IT was MR. CARLYLE who first revealed the existence of Phantasm Captains, which many people refused to believe in, and laughed at the notion of. What do they say now that a Board of Captains in command over Captains and Admirals too is called by its own Secretary a Phantom Board? Surely that THOMAS of Chelsea is a true Seer, and long since saw through Simulacra which have, in Johnny. A nun is a holy but mistaken woman, Papa, that lives in truth, at last been discovered to be transparent Shams. |