Mistress (to Lazy Housemaid). "Now, MARY, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO GIVE A BALL TO-MORROW NIGHT, AND I SHALL EXPECT YOU TO BESTIR YOURSELF, AND MAKE YOURSELF GENERALLY USEFUL." Mary. "YES, M'M. BUT I'M SORRY TO SAY, M'M, I CAN'T DANCE!" A WARNING TO OUR WILLIAM! WILL, have you had the beating yet You 'scape no week together? At last I fear you'll hardened get Once when you left the whipping-place, Though pluck's a noble quality There's scarce a task that you've had set, Your wit in words seems wasted. More haste worse speed, still with your work Plucky Reply. Examiner. Give some account of BEROSUS. Candidate. He was a drunken character. EPISTOLARY GEM. MR. PUNCH has just seen, in the Era, a letter so charming that he must extract a-nay, as the fair writer would probably say, must cull a rose-leaf from the perfumed treasury. An English lady named MARKHAM (as to her Christian name we are uncertain, as the Era calls her "LYDIA" and the letter is signed "PAULINE," but both names are delightful) is performing in America. MISS MARKHAM desires to thank the American Press for its kindness. There has been an exception, it seems, but that may pass. Hear the rest of the Pauline epistle : "I have been sufficiently abused by private individuals through malice, because possibly I did not smile upon them or receive them as friends. I am but human, a free, good-hearted, frank wonan. To the public what could! say? Could I, upon my bended knees, show to the American people how grateful I am to them for the support and encouragement I have received at their hands, for their indulgent kindness to me when I have been ill, and their hearty applause, which has ever greeted my efforts to please them, I would gladly bend to them daily. I love America dearly, for during my sojourn here I have never known an American gentleman to insult the nam of or abuse a woman. Concerning my professional abilities, I will leave the public to judge of them. Myself and confrères are, nightly or daily, as we may happen to appear, drawing full houses, and I never seem to miss an encore. The bouquets that I receive are beautiful, and I ever take them to my happy home, where the air is 'musical with birds.' I never felt more competent to please, nor more healthy than at present. So please tender my thanks to the entire Press, save the Philadelphia paper, and assure them I hope they may continue as well in health, as happy and contented in mind, as theirs, gratefully, "PAULINE MARKHAM." We think this letter so nice. But we extract from it chiefly because just now we wish the Americans to be exceedingly well pleased with us, and we consider the above epistle calculated to do the utmost good, and to remove any little irritation on the subject of the Alabama Claims. So thanks to MISS LYDIA or PAULINE MARE HAM. MR. PUNCH." WILLIAM, WILLIAM, THIS IS VERY, VERY SAD! WHY THESE REPEATED FLOGGINGS, DEAR BOY? NOT A WEEK PASSES BUT-" HEAD BOY. "ALL RIGHT, SIR! WHAT'S THE ODDS? IT DON'T HURT!!" MR. BARLOW now considerately advanced behind the young couple, and proffered to them both a couple of tumblers filled to the brim with a sparkling and most agreeable liquor. Thus refreshed, MASTER HARRY now set to work with skill towards the renewed vigour. enjoyment of the Determined, as MrsS SMUDGKINS (who, it will be reyoung people, con-membered, was of Italian origin) said, "to lighten the sisted of one of the ship," he handed over his money to the safe keeping of waiters at the esta- MR. BARLOW, who retired, in company with the REV. blishment who was ZENOTHELUS POTTS, to the Refreshment Room, and prea proficient on the pared to join in the galop with which the Last Figure was harp, accompanied to conclude with all the abandonment of the most reck by his mother on the violin. MR. BARLOW, in order to prove to the assembly less Terpsichorean. that he was in no degree behind the rest in fashionable accomplishments, Seizing the waist of MISS SMUDGKINS with both arms, now produced, from his portmanteau, a flageolet, and professed himself ready, he whirled round and round, until, in trying to avoid a should occasion require his services, to afford such assistance to the dancers as collision with MASTER SMASH and MISS MATILDA, he they could derive from either the Last Rose of Summer or the National Anthem. brought his partner sharply against MASTER TOMMY MASTER TOMMY (whose father it was now well known was a very wealthy and MISS SOPHONISBA, with such force as to cause the man) was this evening dressed in an unusual style of elegance. His hair was four dancers to be all at once hurled violently on the curled, his highly polished shoes reflected the brilliant lights which illuminated floor. the room, his dress was of the newest fashion, and he was so highly scented as to diffuse around him a delicious perfume which intoxicated the senses of the aged, and added fresh vigour to the youthful votaries of pleasure. "He's like a bright vision!" murmured MRS. PEJINKLE. Here the unfortunate couples would have lain for some considerable time, but for the timely aid of MASTERS SMASH and BRUMPTON, who assisted the young ladies to rise from their painful position. MASTER TOMMY, who had been somewhat stupefied by the suddenness of the shock, on sitting up, found himself by the side of his friend HARRY, whom he straightway began to upbraid as the cause of this misadventure. Harry. Your observations, my dear TOMMY, remind me of the story of Kodex and the Enamoured Troglodyte, which, as you have not yet heard it, I will now proceed to relate. You must know then Tommy. What! you impertinent jackanapes! you beggar's brat! you farmer's oaf! do you mean to insult me? All the Company (led by MASTERS SMASH and BRUMPTON). Well done, MASTER MERTON! Give it him! MISS SMUDGKINS here added "Bravo!" But, as her observation was in the Italian language, it passed unheeded by the assembly. Harry. No, indeed, MASTER TOMMY. But I protest that your question reminds me of the story of Tykon and the Confounded Idiot, which Tommy. What! You little dirty blackguard! You're a pretty fellow, indeed, to give yourself airs, and pretend to be wiser than everyone else! Everybody (with MR. BARLOW and MISS SMUDGKINS' Uncle in the background). Give it him, MASTER MERTON! Thrash him heartily for his impudence! Harry. Alas, I perceive the effects of the evil example of your companions, which reminds me of the story of Polycrates and the Utter Donkey, which, my dear TOMMY Tommy. How, you rascal! do you dare to address a gentleman as "your dear TOMMY"! You are a prodigiously fine gentleman, indeed! you are! Harry. Alas! I had always thought you one till now. Tommy. How! you little contemptible scoundrel! do you dare say that I am not a gentleman? Take that! With this MASTER TOMMY struck HARRY upon the face with his clenched fist. No. 1 (having her hair done). "PAPA SAYS HE WON'T HEAR OF MY MARRYING WITHOUT A HOUSE IN TOWN?" No. 2 (at Tea). "AND MAMMA SAYS I'M NOT TO THINK OF ANYONE WHO HAS NOT A MOOR IN SCOTLAND, AND A HUNTING-BOX AT MELTON." No. 3 (not yet "come out "). "WELL! I SHOULD NOT DREAM OF MARRYING ANYONE WHO CAN'T AFFORD ALL THREE!" story of Xerxes and the Fallacious Beetle, burst into an agony of crying. The words coward, blackguard, oaf, were, with other choice nicknames, now echoed in a chorus through the circle, and the Harper, forgetting his position in the excitement of the moment, seized him by the hair, in order that he might hold up his head and "show his pretty face." At this juncture, HARRY suddenly swung himself round, and disengaging himself from the musician's clutch, threw him with so much violence against his own instrument as to cause them to fall together in such a position as to render the poor man's extrication from the strings a matter of much anxiety to his weeping mother. MASTER TOMMY now professed himself vastly grieved at his own conduct, and proffered his hand to his friend, which, however, HARRY, taking it for another attempt to strike him, warded off, and returned by a punch of his fist, that overset MASTER TOMMY and left him sobbing and panting on the floor. DE HÆRETICO CÆDENDO. THE Confessors who were consigned to a dungeon for beating the heretic MURPHY to within an inch of his life in the interests of religion, have been released by a Government which has perhaps some dim idea of their heroic sanctity. This act of tardy justice, the papers say, "has excited some surprise." Why? O!-because MURPHY has in the meanwhile died of the injuries which for having inflicted upon him they were imprisoned. But MURPHY owed his beating to his attacks upon a religion professed by many persons of the superior classes moving in the most fashionable circles of society, and not a few of them members of the House of Lords itself. What is there to wonder at in the release of the Confessors who beat him, from gaol? The only wonder is that they were ever sent there at all. They merely supplied the defects of the law, which does not punish heretics at all. MURPHY was only beaten to death, whereas he ought to have been burnt. Still, his fate HARRY now laid about him with such impartial justice as to cause Punch had the reverse of sympathy with MURPHY's ways, but may serve as a warning to others. Be it said, however, that the spectators to entertain the sincerest respect for his courage. objects to Capital Punishment being awarded without reference to MASTERS SMASH and BRUMPTON were levelled with the hearth-law, and of course also objects to an Act of Indemnity for volunteer rug at one blow, "And now," " said MASTER HARRY, "if you executioners. have not had enough to satisfy you, I will willingly give you some more." MR. BARLOW here advanced, and protested that, for his part, he considered that justice should be tempered with mercy, and in order that no ill-feeling might remain, he had commanded the servant to bring in three trays bearing glasses of negus, in which they could all drink to one another's prosperity, after which ceremony he further recommended them to shake hands all round, while he would play to them God save the Queen on his flageolet. At this proposal the whole assembly burst into tears, and HARRY and TOMMY embraced each other so cordially that their reconciliation was begun and completed in a moment. A Reason Why. A CERTAIN sage gave China laws, POETICAL ERROR. "A THING of Beauty is a Joy for ever." Is it, my boy? Marry it, and you will find that it is very much the reverse. |