THE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE. (Respectfully dedicated by Mr. Punch to MR. JUSTICE EASBY.)

I WALLOPED my old 'ooman like a sack;

I broke three cart-whips across her back;

I kicked her for trying to git away;

I shoved her under a brewer's dray;

But it's well beknown them cats o' wives

Has more than a cat's allowance o' lives,
So out of a three-pair front I pitched her;
But the area-railings went and kitched her;
Still she bled like a pig, and spoiled her bonnet,
And so the bobbies was down upon it,
And 'acos the old 'ooman couldn't speak,
They took and 'ad me afore the Beak,
And blest but the Beak said-" One inch furder,
And I should ha' been committed for murder!
So he sends me, as no Beak hadn't ort,
To be tried at the Central Criminal Court.

But there I know'd as I'd be all right,
For regular Judges ain't Beaks-not quite !
So when 'ad up afore My Lord,

I pleads "Not Guilty," and stands un-ored.
They proves the lickins, the kickins, the squeals,
As how I'd shoved her under the wheels;
As how, if the railins had not been blunt,
When I pitched her out o' that three-pair front,
They'd likely ha' skewered her, clothes and all,
Which, in point o' fact they broke her fall.

[Cake is produced, and Small Mite has her Share.

Wives is werry tryin', blest if they ain't

So I think three months will suit your complaint!"
MORAL.

For killing a woman, if tried for your life,
All you've got to prove is, 't was only your wife.
And if JUSTICE EASBY rules the roast,

You're safe to get off with three months at most!

PREMATURE HUMILIATION.

THE House of Commons acted with even more than its usual wisdom in negativing the address, moved by SIR WILFRID LAWSON, for taking steps for withdrawing from all treaties binding this country to interfere by force of arms in the affairs of other nations. There is no occasion for England to profess cessation of existence as a European Power. We may now and then be in a position enabling us to enforce a treaty very much to our advantage. Nemo tenetur ad impossibile. We are not bound to interfere when we are unable, and whenever, as in the case of the Russian Circular last year, there is inconvenience, or hazard, in the vindication of a broken treaty by force of arms, why, we can always sneak out of it.

I for U.

MR. BANCROFT DAVIS, the American Commissioner at Geneva, being lately asked his opinion of what would come of the Alabama hitch, replied, in the words-if not quite the letters-of TERENCE -"DAVIS sum, non Edipus."

TAKEN SHORT.

PROFESSOR MAX-MULLER has announced a Lecture on "DARWIN'S View of Language." Punch will condense it for him :-"A mere monkey-trick!

(WILLOW) PATTERN WEDDING PRESENTS. DEAR MR. PUNCH,

Do spare me just a tiny little corner of your valuable space to say how very much we ladies ought to thank the clever gentlemen of the press for their admirable descriptions of that delightful wedding. That dear Marquis! what a duck he must have looked in his blue coat! And his fair and lovely bride, O how we envied her the luxury of trying on her necklaces and other splendid nuptial gifts! Really, the account of her trousseau seemed like a fragment out of fairy-land, it seemed so poetical. If she had been the bride of the EMPEROR OF CHINA, I doubt if richer or more rare would have been the gems she wore. I wonder if her wedding dresses took three years to make, as we hear has been the case for her Imperial Highness

"For three years the looms of Nankin, Hangchow, and Canton have been making the silks and satins for the Imperial bride's trousseau, which will cost at least half a million sterling."

Half a million sterling! What a lovely thing to dream about! Fancy having a trousseau worth half a million sterling! Well, the EMPEROR OF CHINA must clearly be a gentleman, although he wears a pigtail. He knows what is due to lovely woman when she marries, and I wish that his example were generally imitated. The Chinese may well speak of us as outer barbarians, when one knows how meanly some poor brides are treated in the matter of their trousseau. And see what other splendours await a bride in China :

"The EMPEROR, personating the Sun, goes forth-in a car drawn by a pair of elephants; while his lady-love is borne in a luxurious palanquin, formed entirely of strings of pearls."

Really this reminds one of the "ropes of pearls" which were purchased by Lothair for the lady he adored. (And what a goosey she must have been to send them back!) But imagine what a stir a

People who spend an income on flowers for the button-hole.
People who light and leave off fires on fixed days.

People who like paying Income-tax.

People who go to hot, uncomfortable theatres, full of fees.

People who buy early and costly asparagus-nine inches of white stalk to one of green head.

People who have no sense of humour.

People who give large parties in small rooms.

People who lavish their money on the heathen abroad, and leave the heathens at home to take care of themselves.

People who have the ice broken, to enable them to bathe in the Serpentine in Winter.

People who look forward to a time when there will be no Incomewhen tax.

People who keep all their old letters.

People without prejudices, weaknesses, antipathies, hobbies, crotchets, or favourite theories.

Critics who are satisfied with the hanging of the Royal Academy. People who have nothing the matter with their digestion, and can eat anything.

FOOLISH people have been appointing JOHN BRIGHT" Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster." We want him in place," they say. But JOHN BRIGHT in such an office would be JOHN BRIGHT out of place.

I SH'POSHE!-LETSH JOIN THE LADIESH!!"

JOHN BULL'S BLESSING-AND WHAT IT

COSTS.

STRANGE day! When that most lubberly of lurdanes,
The British rate-payer, kicks 'neath his burdens!
Swears that to fight the Vestry braced his nerve is,
And that he's had enough of "unpaid service: "
That he'll no longer bend in homage humble
Beneath the hot breath and hard hoof of Bumble.
Refuse parochial Ayrtons leave to rob,

Nor brook, henceforth, to be ruled "by the job;"
That penny wisdom shall no longer be
In parish matters, his sole rule of three-
That rule of three which, after all was done,
Was simplified to rule of "number one,"
In whose self-seeking muddle yearly went
The cost of an Imperial Government,
As if to teach our bloated" Upper Ten,
Whate'er swells once mulled, snobs can mull again;
That vestry room and council can outdo
The worst that, at its worst, St. Stephen's knew;
That they, who Little Pedlington o'er-crow,
Far wilder waste, and grosser jobs can show,
Than, ere cheeseparing hand controlled the helm,
The worst and weakest rulers of the Realm!

These goods, most practical of races known,
JOHN BULL can call, in Europe's face, his own.
And to his bosom hug, in calm content,
The rank-ripe fruits of sweet Self-government.
Only one thought his exultation bates,
The thought how much the harvest costs in rates;
One doubt-as still 'tis JOHN BULL'S prudent way
His blessings in his balances to weigh-

Whether, when Humbug's hushed, and Bunkum still, 'Tis worth all this cost to be ruled so ill!

FALLACY OF FIGURES.

DUJISHIOUSH,

A PARAGRAPH of frequent occurrence in contemporary news, headed "Extraordinary Longevity," reveals ever and anon an instance of the duration of human existence, equal to or exceeding the age of METHUSELAH. This sum of years, however, is an addition sum; not simply the sum total of a column of units representing an individual life, but the sum of three, four, or more totals of so many columns which represent the lives of so many individuals met together. As the age of METHUSELAH would be equalled by the united ages of 969 infants, of one year old, collected at a baby-show, the profundity of this arithmetic is evident. The same calculas could be applied to other things than longevity as instructively as it is to that. A daily paper, the other day, contains a case in point, whence it might be argued, by an imposing array of figures, that pains for the prevention of dastardly outrages are not spared certain ruffians who deserve them :

"FLOGGING GAROTTERS.-Ten garotters, who were sentenced at the recent assizes in Leeds, received their flogging yesterday afternoon at Armley Gaol, each having twenty lashes."

Their united floggings amounted to two hundred lashes. But what are two hundred lashes among ten scoundrels?

The Two Cases.

SAYS JOHN LEMOINNE, "The English Counter-case Has strength writ on its plain, straightforward face." "That's nat'ral" (says SAM, with some impatience)"Strong counter-cases suit shop-keeping nations. But how about my case ? Guess that will funk em ?"Not while JOHN BULL can weigh bounce and smell bunkum!

A "COUNTER-CASE."-Shop-lifting.