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MRS. WASHTUB ON TELEGRAMS:
TWELFTH NIGHT. Au, drat them nasty telegrams that keeps folks all in sitch a flòrry, nation in Europe, except Switzerland, in which country the Repub
The closing night of the Christmas season is observed by every Whenever there's the least to-do, with constant worry, worry, lican form of government introduced by W. Tell (the first Presi
worry! I recollect in my young days when there was no sitch expectation, dent), prevents the recognition of Kings and Queens. And news to travel took its time, suspense was bore with resigna- the study of physics is yet in its infancy, great importance is
Throughout England, particularly in those rural districts where tion.
attached to the weather on Twelfth Day. The occurrence of rain, What was to be, we used to say, would be, and couldn't be pre- Borealis over the roofs of the Bank of England is considered a most
or wind, or sleet, or snow, or hail, or the appearance of the Aurora wented, Which 'twas consolin' for to think, and made one happy and con- which the sowing of the Spring wheat commences. But the slightest
favourable augury, and in some counties determines the day on tented. What would be we should live to see, if we lived long enough, 'twas turnip-fly, and the connection of a parhelion with protracted drought
indication of the Zodiacal light is dreaded as a sure forerunner of the certain,
is established by a long series of observations, reaching as far back And p'raps it might a mercy be the future was behind the curtain.
as the Reformation.
Most lawyers are of opinion that under the provisions of an old Misfortunes came, as come they must, in this here wale of trile and Act of Parliament, still unrepealed, it is illegal to solicit a Christ
mas box after twelve o'clock on the 6th of January:, But then, if bad news come to-day, no news was like to come to- If Twelfth Night falls on a Sunday, the harvest will be late ; if
on a Monday, the back door should be carefully looked to on the long No news was good news people said, and hoped meanwhile they evenings; if on a Tuesday, pilchards will be caught in enormous might be better,
quantities; if on a Wednesday, the silkworms will suffer; if on a Leastways until the next day's post brought 'em a paper or a letter. Thursday, there will be no skating on the Serpentine during the rest
of the year; if on a Friday, the apple erop will be a failure; and if 'Tis true, relief as soon may come, sometimes, by artificial lightnin'. on a Saturday (as this year), you should on no account have your When days and weeks of dark and storm you've undergone afore hair cut by a red-haired man who squints and has relations in . the brightnin';
the colonies. The sceptic and the latitudinarian may smile superAll's well as ends well, thanks be praised, the croakers found their-ciliously at these predictions, but they have been verified by inquiries selves mistaken -
conducted at centres as wide apart as Bury St. Edmunds, RotherBut by them plaguy telegrams how my poor old narves have bin ham, Dawlish, Rickmansworth, Kirkcudbright, and Cape Clear. shaken !
CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR SIR CHARLES DILKE,-Packet of Court CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR THE CLAIMANT.—Coleridge's Works. Plaster and some Household Bread.
NEW YEAR'S “NOTE” TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Let them come. And when a Sender getteth no answer, let him
take counsel with himself, and consider to which of the above Ten MR. PUNCH, in spite of his emphatic and repeated Notices and Table Mr. Punch will make reference when he may please to do
Categories his work belongs. One will certainly fit it. To this Explanations, being still copiously afflicted with Communications from Persons whom he has not invited to take the liberty of address
Let intending Contributors learn it by heart. ing him, issues the following Note, and advises such persons to study Now, laying down the Chopper of Lycurges, and putting on the it closely.
Smile of Plato, Mr. Punch, raising the festal goblet, wisheth to all He calls them “Correspondents,”, but does so only for convenience. his faithful and true Disciples, those whose handwritings ever give A Correspondent means a person who not only writes, but to whom him joy and gladness, – the recipient of the letter also writes. Ninety-nine out of a hundred of those who address Mr. Punch are, and will be, unanswered, except by this Note.
Let all understand that he is answerable for the real or supposed value of No literary or artistic matter which may be sent him, unasked. This is law. Let all understand that at the earliest possible moment after his discovery that such matter is useless to him, it is Destroyed. This is fact.
Notice also that stamped and directed envelopes, for the return of such matters, will not operate to the fracture of his rule.
After this notice, Correspondents” will have no one but themselves to thank for the Snub Mr. Punch's silence implies.
But is he unwise enough to believe that the plague of foolish Correspondence
will thus be stayed ? Verily, no. He expects to continue to receive
1. Jests that have appeared in his own pages, but which are warranted to have been invented, or heard," the other day."
2. The jest of the day, one that has been heard a million times.
3. Profane, and even lower jests, sent by creatures who pretend to be readers of Punch.
4. Idiotic jests, usually laid upon the shoulders of “my little boy,” or “ my youngest girl.” Punch would pity the children of such parents, but that he generally disbelieves in the existence of the tnnocents.
5. Sketches, to be used in his next without fail, or, if rejected, to be instantly returned. These burn well, and he prefers those on cardboard, as they crackle prettily.
6. Things, literary or artistic, that have been “dashed off.” The mere word “dash " is the cue for instant fire.
7. Compositions, poor in themselves, whose insertion is prayed because the authors are poor also. Is Mr. Punch to perform his charities at the expense of society?
8. Aged jokes, possibly recently heard for the first time by the Stupid Sender, but more probably copied from print.
9. Post-Cards, or communications with the Halfpenny Stamp. These are all selected by his Deputy-AssistantUnder-Secretary, and destroyed unread. 10. Absolute Stupidities.
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
POKES IN PANTOMIMES. Non omnia possumus omnes ; we are not all Popes, nor should we be omnipotent even if we were infallible. The Daily News is a journal of ability; but there is a certain inconsistency, the cause of which it declares itself unable to fathom:
“That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, we sympathise with DR. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE, the actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired the price of a good thick stick ; but why, in the name of common sense, when caricatures of MR. GLADSTONE and MR. LOWE weekly appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a day passes without these gentlemen being attacked in print on account of one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke upon their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimea, surpasses comprehension."
Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in theatres a place called the Gallery. This place is occupied by a peculiar description of audience and spectators. In the theatre, by physical position, they constitute the higher orders, but in common talk are contrariwise named. Of old,, bloated aristocrats, were wont ironically to style them the Gods." Enlightened Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now the People of the Gallery are not accustomed to read humorous journals in which caricatures of the People's WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear weekly. If they were, it would be necessary for the humorous journals to be very careful in caricaturing those popular Ministers, lest caricatures should endanger their popu, larity. The People of the Gallery are our flesh and blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take jokes too seriously. If the Clown in a Pantomime were to tread upon a match-box, and get blown up sky-high, or if, assisted by the Pantalvon, he presented a working man in an arsenal with a sack, these performances, to the occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless jokes, but the effect produced by them in the electoral way would probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with friends and relations of match-venders and dockyard
The Best Tonic.
THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as Literal Churchwarden.“ WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGYMAN alire as ever to the cheering effect of "good spirits” on Is GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!” their patients.
drawn their names this season, and have transferred their subscripPROBABLE INTELLIGENCE.
tions to the Humane Society. THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced are: (1) a Bill for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers ;
Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government of the injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its (2) a Bill to Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty total abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he Weather; and (3) a Bill to Disaffurest Primrose Hill and the undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse. voted.
The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in MR. AYRTON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief being able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and command
of the vessel of the State. also to defend the action of the Government in resisting all attempts It is considered highly probable that, following the good example to improve the National Gallery.
of some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR. very highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own little placards of “No FEES ! ” residence as an asylum for the POPE, while exiled from his kingdom.
It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent
JUST A HINT. them from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long with one subject.
Is there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH's, wherein that divine, deIt is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very scribing a Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY early opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of betook himself to the heather, and, having scratched himself with the COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA.
one hand, and cast up an account with the other, suddenly waxed The game slaughtered at the battues of eleven noble sportsmen furious, and drew his sword? We hope that certain Transatlantic (all members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed friends of ours will not bring in so tremendous a bill against us, as among the East-End poor.
to make it cheaper for us to fight than to pay. For we love them It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the very much, but we are obliged to be awfully economical in these provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced Gladstonian days. this season, without containing any humorous allusion to the Claimant." Mr. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from
Mathematical Intelligence. Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for It would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a a confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother circle. Yet Tomkins Junior says that, though he is only twelve embraced the Jewish faith.
years old, he will back himself on any given morning to get round a More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have with-square.
Tommy. Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their brightness or position.”
Mr. Barlow. Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London.
Tommy. Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to know the Stars ?
Mr. Barlow. There are some, and those very important, uses to be derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER MERTon the story of The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk.
HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up, disclosed to them the First Scene of On the Jury.
Mr. Barlow. This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty construction. Yet, for epigrammatie dialogue and dramatic situations, it has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been silent, TOMMY, for some time.
Tommy. Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted ; and as for one of your Stars, Miss FURTADO, - Dear Heart! I protest I could watch her every evening with the greatest delight.
MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.
“What is that, Sir?” inquired TOMMY.
“They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR. BARLOW," that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to Harry, he asked him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this piece.
Harry. Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. Mr. Tibbetts was a hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more admirably than the gentleman who took the part of Dexter Sanderson, Esq.
Mr. Barlow. You mean Mr. Phelps, and you are right. It is indeed a fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of our younger actors (who flatter them
selves on their consummate art, in consequence of having been “WE ARE SUCH STUFF
unduly praised for their few achievements) to come here and take
a lesson from MR. PHELPS. As DREAMS ARE MADE OF—"
MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should Tempest.
be wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last
Act. He further complained that it should be thought necessary to EVENINGS FROM HOME.
commence it at seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this
ought to be, with a Pantomime. The next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two
Tommy and HARRY were not, however, of his mind
upon this young pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw Arion, or the point, and insisted upon stopping to see the Clown. They were Story of a Lyre, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, somewhat disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themplayed by Messrs. Paulton and Terry, whose duet of "Walk Up selves prodigiously delighted with Mr. LLOYD's scenery. and See my Show,” they so vehemently applauded as to draw forth
On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overa reproof from their worthy preceptor, who, however, on observing coats, wrappers, and hats. Tommy's little heart was much affected that these comedians seemed to be possessed of an 'inexhaustible by this kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured stock of fresh verses applicable to the circumstances of the times, lozenges) into the honest fellow's hand, saying, “ Here, my good
its contents (four bright new farthings and three peppermint was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the commendations which were mosť liberally bestowed by the audience upon this the surprise of the poor man at the sight. He stared wildly round
man, take this, and Heaven bless you!”. It is impossible to express portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both him, and would have fallen but for the tender support of his assistthey had heard at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their has sent us by the
hands of this little angel !” Saying this, he held evinced any musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs ant, who imagined that his companion had lost his senses. But the
man cried out, “O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See what Providence he would take them again to witness the same piece, if Tommy up the money and the lozenges. But Tommy went up to them both, (whose father, being a very wealthy man, had recently bestowed and said, “My good friends, you are very welcome to this : I freely upon his son a handsome Christmas gratuity) would pay for three give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, stalls, or at least three places, in the Dress Circle.
give them to your children, if you have any, or suck
them yourselves in your leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were
totally unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their On the following night they went to the Princess's, to see Mr. tears, TOMMY was out of sight, having followed Me. Barlow and WATTS PHILLIPS's play of On the Jury, followed by a Pantomime HARRY to the door. , called Little Dicky Dilver.
At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their overcoats and hats; and Tommy, upon whom his tutor's example, MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to Evans's on the occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, Supper Rooms, to enter which place they had to pay a shilling expressed his gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate apiece. This troubled their worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was manner.
painfully struck, as he informed his young friends, by the altered Tommy now discovered a further opportunity of making himself aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW explained to them that in his acquainted with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set time the room was snug, cosy, and comfortable, and only one quarter himself diligently to learn.
of its present size. That then there were neither carpet nor tavernMr. Barlow. At this theatre you will behold a constellation of like mirrors. " True,” said Mr. BARLOW, “that all that was talent.
objectionable in the entertainment of former days has long ere this Tommy. But pray, Sir, what is a “constellation "?
disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the opposite “ Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, “have observed certain stars sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit invisible, and remarkable either for their brightness or position, or both. These listen to mortal melody. In the old time,” continued MR. BARstars, joined together, are termed constellations. Here you have LOW, “you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, three Stars-MR. WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and Miss FURTADO." who would call John to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at
once, and give the order himself, returning to see if you
ost of our contemporaries supper more than twenty minutes since, and it has
have lately improved an not appeared. See MR. GREEN himself" (the veteran
alarming occasion with here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear
many monitory observaboys, MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, wandered away
tions on typhoid fever. to another part of the room), “he is no longer Pro
The whole of these, howprietor ; he is only nominally in authority, his occupa
ever, reducible into a few tion is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link
words, may be pretty between the past and present Evans's, retained,' to
well summed up in the quote his own immortal line about the lamented Yon
caution, - Look to your JOEL, 'on the establishment, in consequence of his long
drains. In addition, Dr.
Punch begs to offer a So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR.
piece of advice gratis to BARLOW's discourse that they begged to be allowed to
all persons in possession quit a place which only aroused so much sadness in the
of his universal remedy, breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving,
price 3d., 4d. stamped, MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which
to counterfeit which is he had taken, whereupon the waiter begged to be
piracy. Look to yourremembered, which MR. BARLOW, being blessed with a
selves. good memory, willingly consented to do. But the
Pestiferous as is the waiter candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle
atmosphere of sewers, not for his trouble, MR. BARLOW could not refrain from
only do rats live, but expostulating with the honest fellow on the absurdity
labourers work in it, the of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the
former wholly, the latter old and palmy days of Evans's there was no charge
for most part with impufor admission, and the attention bestowed on visitors
nity. The rodents get being admirable, it was a pleasure to bestow some
acclimatised, unless it be gratuity upon the attendants, which was always
that instinct impels them received by the money collector at the door with a
to take some sort of vegegrateful " I thank you, Sir. Good night, Sir.”
table or other preventive While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS
of zymotic and mephitic HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter was summoned to a dis
diseases. As for the tant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended the
working-men, they smoke steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent
pipes of tobacco almost Garden.
to a man, and as generally “Farewell, Evans's !” said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I
prescribe for and adknow not that I shall darken thy doors again!”
minister to themselves " What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on alcohol in some one or other of its forms, commonly
that of something short, their reaching their lodgings, " reminds me of the story which, if asked to give it a name, we will call gin, or euphemistically, oid Tom, of Tigranes and the Amphibious Black.”
not to say, dyslogistically, blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United Mr. Barlow. I do not think TOMMY MERTON has Kingdom Alliance; those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the subheard it.
ject who hate us youth, and specially, abhor Punch. The gin-drinking, Harry. Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMY
prevalent among the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is But Tommy had gone straight up-stairs to bed.
medicinal, and the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, tendency of people to take it in over-doses. indeed, himself told it to MASTER HARRY, then took
Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of his candle, and wishing Harry a very good night, not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a sick-room :
contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true, are retired.
but they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be requisite to main
tain the bodily conditions which resist or expel poisonous or morbia effluvia. VIÆ ANTIQUÆ.
Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates and It is pleasant to make honourable mention, in Mr. alleys of the body-keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious. By what Punch's columns, of anything bearing
the name of means? Therein the patient may minister to himself if he can, or else should JERROLD: The latest appearance
of this name is in inquire of his doctor, who will let him know. There is, however, a popular conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DORÉ-a household panacea which he will find invariably efficacious. The prophylactic as well as word. Two artists have been making a pilgrimage are so universally known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommenda
therapeutic virtues of Punch, of Punch's Pocket-Book, and Punch's Almanack, through London together, and each, with his own imple- tion beyond the merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and antiment, is recording his experiences, the result to be a beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen bas Faculty may
recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they
are of septic publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as that unanimous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any quantity of city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the parts most likely to attract the eye of M. DORÉ, that it will soon be all as colourless as a Boulevard or Regent Street. If MR. JERROLD will show M. Doré anything
FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI. that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in THERE is one thing worth note in the manners (or want of manners) of our the pictures to a certain book of Contes, the two will present enemies the Looshai folk. The Standard says that they delight "in do the good deed of apprising posterity that London was transposition of the component parts of the names of places and chiefs. Thus, the production of architects, and not of excessively SOOK-PI-LAL is often converted into LAL-PI-SOOK. A similar practice frerespectable contractors for building purposes.
quently prevails in British India; the lower class of natives constantly substituting Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people savages! Why, they are as
witty as most members of the Stock Exchange. What higher flight can the Royal Clemency.
latter generally attain than the feat of calling “ROBINSON AND THOMSON
" TOBINSON AND Romson,” or saying that JONES lives at “Wampton Hick ? We have heard, with gratification, that the remainder We hope that these Orientals will be treated with as much consideration as may of the sentence on JOHN POYNTZ SPENCER, who was sent be. They are none so uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques. to Ireland in 1868, and who has since been immured in Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and
Parallels for the People. his return will be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that he has amply expiated the political offence of being a A BRIGHT idea is that of establishing “Public-houses without Drink." Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an honourable Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without future is in store for him.
VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER.
(A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season.)
“ COME ABOARD, SIR!” 'COME aboard, Sir!” to the Captain
Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B, As he touches his tarpaulin,
Smart and sailorly.
Officers and men,
Welcome back again!
John hé slues his eye;
Scanning sea and sky;
Notes the course she steers ;
Scapes his eyes and ears.
Was the other day:
Officers and crew,
As they used to do.
His sick leave to take,
Had an ugly shake.
Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way;
Badly fouled her screw :
Start a plate or two.
As they used to go.
Some quite the reverse;
Some took soft, or worse.
Can't their slack haul in;
Stop the yarns they spin:
Nothing e'er can please ;
At the dips and cheese.
Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown;
'Tween-decks upside down. There's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking
Work, whoever strain:
“There and back again.”
Of a watch in charge ;