HINTS TO ENGLISHMEN VISITING PARIS. You may also show your independence by refusing to conform to other customs than those of the Douane. Go for instance to the Mabille in a cricketing cap, and bonnet the door-keepers if they refuse to admit you. Accustomed as you are in London to regard a cab as a vehicle of abuse, you will hardly know at first how to deal with the civil voituriers of Paris. You may, however, take it for granted their civility is merely a cloak for extortion, and so take your oaths with your seat as usual. Let no idle fears of the Custom House deter you from executing whatever female commissions you have fortunately been favoured with. The douaniers at Folkestone and Calais are all excessively polite, and you may pass any quantity of satin shoes or JOUVIN's "Six and a quarter," by simply explaining they were bought for your own wearing. Bear in mind that" England expects every man will do his duty." don't disgrace your country by acting otherwise. So Should you ever wish to leave a theatre between the acts, you can keep your place by simply tying your handkerchief round the seat. At the Opera, however, you must be careful to leave it at the end of the performance, as the handkerchiefs so used are there the perquisites of the Government. Should you ever find yourself in want of ready money, recollect the French equivalent for "my uncle," is ma tante. The British Ambassador has, however, orders to cash all checks that are presented to him by Englishmen between the business hours of 3 and 5, A.M. THE MODERN MEGATHERIUM.-The Megatherium was a great sloth that used to eat trees. A London Alderman remarked that he was himself likewise uncommon fond of an Ash. EXEMPTION FROM ASSESSED TAXES.-An Admiral pays no tax for his gig; he is, however, chargeable with a heavy duty. A THOUGHT BY A FOXHUNTER.-How many persons there are who, when they meet with spills, make light of them. CRYSTAL PALACE-SOME VARIETIES OF THE HUMAN RACE. ORIGINAL REMARKS BY OUR (A very great bore by the way.) THE English weather seems to affect my accounts, for they are still very unsettled. You may ascribe it to my credit when I say, that there is one thing that I should not wish "to go upon tick "for-and that is, tic-douloureux. When I hear of "a man of sterling worth," I think that it is frequently the worth of pounds sterling that is meant. I see so many advertisements of newfashioned pipes and meerschaums, that I begin to think these must be the piping times of peace; or else, the aspect of the times is a mere sham. Imprudent marriages lead to such beggary, that they not only begin, but often terminate in the Union. I don't know what may be the letter of the Law, but its letters are £ s. d. A MUSTARD-SEED FABLE. USURIOUS.-An old usurer, in his walks, found a fox in a trap: the mercy cost him nothing, so he released poor reynard. For many days afterwards, the fox stole a goose and dropt it at the usurer's threshold. "What a good man I must be," said the usurer, who wouldn't see the fox's bite in the poultry-"how good, when Heaven thus rains geese at my door-step!" no LADIES' TOILET SOAP.-There are ugly women. The sex is all fair. The least beautiful of them is simply a plain creature, and the nearest to a Griffin is only not more handsome than ordinary. THE IRRESISTIBLES.-The Government should levy a corps of undertakers. No enemy could possibly stand their charge. MOCK PORT. -This is the red wine usually drunk in this country after dinner. What a pity it is not half as much like the liquor it pretends to be, as mock turtle is like real! THE MOST UNPOPULAR COMPOSITION.A Composition with one's creditors. WANTED by the Shakespeare Society. The Signet of the Swan of Avon. A VISIT TO THE ANTEDILUVIAN REPTILES AT SYDENHAM-MASTER TOM STRONGLY OBJECTS TO HAVING HIS MIND IMPROVED. THE FEMALE ROCHEFOUCAULD, SOME young ladies are so artificial that in love-making even, they use none but artificial flowers of speech. The veil was given to flirts to hide the want of blushes. SHAKESPEARE very wisely never wrote the "Seven Ages of Woman," for he knew well enough that woman has but one age -the Age of Youth and Beauty-that, with some, terminates as early as thirty-nine, and with others, at forty; but with the majority, never at all. Considering the ugliness of the other sex, women needn't be so proud of their own beauty. Let a girl be ever so young, the moment she is married she becomes a woman. The game of fashionable life is to play hearts against diamonds, The great value of arithmetic is to add up the number of one's lovers and dresses. A MUSTARD-SEED FABLE. VIRGINAL. "Follow me," said the honeybird to the Indian maid, "and I'll lead you to the wild honey-comb." The maid followed and came upon a crouching tiger, who took her at a mouthful. AMELIA let herself be coaxed to a forbidden ball, where she met that horrid Captain of the Indian Service. TOAST FOR AN AGRICULTURAL DINNER. -May the farmers perform more operations in the Field than the Surgeons. WAX LIGHTS AT AN HOTEL.-Elsewhere a wax candle is only stuck in a candlestick; but Hotel-keepers also stick it into the Traveller. "WHAT CAN'T BE CURED must be endured," as the man said of his neighbour's noisy pig. CAUSE AND EFFECT.-Whenever Parliament closes its effect upon the newspapers appears to be a succession of showers of frogs, and enormous gooseberries. A RARE GAME.-It's a fact, but you very rarely see two women playing at chess together. We suppose it is because, with such a partner, there is but little amusement to either in being mated. INTONING TOO MUCH.-A horse-chanter may be regarded as a kind of Puseyite in his way. DREADFUL JOKE. William. "THERE, AMY! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE FOR A PAIR OF MOUSTACHES?" Amy. "WHY, I SHOULD SAY THAT CALLING THOSE MOUSTACHES WAS GIVING TO 'HAIRY NOTHINGS A LOCAL HABITATION AND A NAME."" (For Shame, AMY.) SEIZE every opportunity of leaving trac of your visit by carving your name, or s least your initials, on all the tombs a statues you can let your hands on. L many of the churches, you will find the chisels and tenpenny nails are kept a purpose to facilitate this weakness of th English. Should you be deterred at fr by any silly scruples on the score of injury a work of art, bear in mind that it cann but be gratifying to the feelings of Frenchman to see his national monuments thus bear the marks of the distant pilgr ages that are made to them. Should you ever find it necessary to ente into conversation, you will find your phras book will remove all impediments of speec The dialogues provide for every possita emergency, and the only danger is of the leading you into too great freedoms speech. Should your French ever fail y for a word, you will find that you m make yourself perfectly intelligible speaking it in English with a stru foreign accent. When you are in Paris, don't be a P: sian carry your exclusiveness always p minently about with you: use the nati expletive upon the slightest provocata and lose no opportunity of giving lessons the Noble Art of Self-Defence, for you kn "la Boxe" is little studied out of Englan and may, therefore, be indulged in wi impunity. THE TANTALUS OF THE MODERN SCHOO -An idle schoolboy, instead of bein thrashed, was kept without his dinne and set to learn, as an imposition, severa pages of SOYER'S Cookery Book. NOTE ON SAINT CECILIA'S DAY.-Thi saint, though of a sweet temper, was r markable for her airs. FELICITY OF THE VULGAR TONGUE-U educated persons call the aperture whic admits the light a "winder." It is s when it admits a draught as well. THE HUNTSMAN AT DINNER.-The wor rider can often get on very well with a sa dle of mutton. NOTE IN THE NURSERY.-The eyes of baby pour rivers, when as yet there is bridge to the nose. A KNOWING PLANT.-The Sage. TO A GENT. BELIEVE me, if all those ridiculous charms Which I see on thy watchguard to-day, Were to-morrow locked up at the Lombardy Arms, Thine uncle's advance to repay. Thou wouldst still look the snob which this moment thou art, (Let thy vanity think what it will,) For those blazing red buttons, that shirtfront so smart, And those studs, prove thy gentishness still. A PAIR OF SOULS. A Doctor's Soul.-Gutta Percha is the Soul of Health. A Lawyer's Soul.-Briefity is the Soul of Wit. THE CHILD IS FATHER OF THE MAN.The World generally will be gratified to learn that a most interesting fact has lately been brought to light through the untiring labours of the Shakspeare Society. It is, that the great Dramatist was, as a child, very fond of play. FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. A Pew in a fashionable Church is a religious Ordinary, held every Sunday, price One Shilling. TERM-TIME IN NOVEMBER.-All fog and pettifog. ECLIPSE IN 1855.-MOON. Nov. 9th. Greatest obscuration about 9 P.M., when the new Lord Mayor is apparent on his legs. Visible in London. A PHILOSOPHER IN BOTANY.-PLINY the Elder. THE MOON'S FIRST QUARTER.-The day on which the Lord Mayor receives the first instalment of his salary. A SONG has always one beauty-it invariably sets every one in the room talking. There is no better cue for general conversation than "a little music." CIVIC TOAST AND SENTIMENT.-May no Freeman ever wear the chain, except in the capacity of Lord Mayor! TO SPORTSMEN.-The hare is one of the most timid of animals; yet it always dies game. A MUSTARD-SEED FABLE. LEGAL.-Two weasels found an egg. "Let us not fight for it," said elder weasel, "but enter into partnership." "Very good," said weasel the younger. So taking the egg between them, each sucked the either end. "My children," said REDTAPES, the attorney, though you have but one client between you, make the most of him." A FARMER'S OPINION ON CONSCIENCE-MONEY. THE Circle of domestic happiness is frequently comprised in that of a little Button! The loss of the one in time follows the constant loss of the other. Man's affections hang but too often on a thread, and it should be woman's watchful care that that thread never becomes broken! MELANCHOLY REFLECTION.-How many young men who are minutely acquainted with the relative proportions of the ingredients of a bowl of Punch, do not know how many spoonfuls of tea go to the pot! A COCKNEY TRUISM.-Barbers are like Chameleons-they live on (h)air. "THERE'S THE RUB."-After the good leathering JOHN BULL has given NICHOLAS in the Crimea, we think it is sufficiently proved that OLD NICKEL is not in the least equal to Britannia Metal. TABLES OF PRECEDENCE.-These tables are the Coffee-stalls, for coming out long before day-break, they may certainly be said to take the precedence of all other Tables. THE Convenience of a Brother is, in not being able to find the carriage at an evening party, when Mamma is anxious to go home, and you are anxious to stop. COLT'S Revolvers were invented by an officer of the Horse-Marines! HONOUR FOR HYDROPATHY.-If a Professor of the Water Cure should be deemed worthy of Knighthood, it might be proper to invest him with the order of the Bath. MONSTER GUN.-The Czar is a great gun of six feet four inches bore. WORLDLY WISDOM.-The greatest rogue generally contrives to get the most credit. THE FOG IS SO VERY THICK THAT FREDERICK AND CHARLES ARE OBLIGED TO SEE CLARA AND EMILY HOME. |