THE KING OF NAPLES ON THE CARPET. A History and no Romance.

CHAPTER I.

CE upon a time (a very few years ago) there reigned a certain King (who, alack the day! reigns still) called FERDINAND, otherwise IL RE BOMBA, of Naples. "See Naples and die," was a proverb that his Majesty had often worked out upon his faithful subjects. Now this FERDINAND was a potentate of most to volcanic viscera, the very spit, saving for the reader's presence, of Vesuvius. A King, much given to the stick that was much given to his people. He was withal a man of sport and many humane accomplishments. He could kill mosquitos like COMMODUS, and play upon the fiddle like NERO. Now, it chanced one day, that this excellent King, making a procession of himself through the rooms of his palace, bethought him that the carpets thereof had become faded, and, for royal carpets, mighty threadbare. The Bourbon flowers had sickened, and the moth, that spares neither the frieze of the peasant, nor the coffin-velvet of the Emperor,-the moth had devastated.

Whereupon, seeing these things, the superb and magnificent monarch resolved within himself to have new carpets-carpets spick and span.

CHAPTER II.

"SEGRETARIO mio," said RE BOMBA to his penman, straightway write an order to that accursed heretical England;-for the Lutherans -and here his Majesty crossed himself-"the Lutherans can, it must be confessed, do two things; truly they can grind razors, and they can weave carpets. Therefore, straightway, write and order".

PITY FOR THE FOE.

WHILST, as patriots, we rejoice in the triumph of the Allied arms at Sweaborg, as men we cannot but feel compassion for that suffering by which it has been attended on the side of our opponents. MR. BRIGHT, MR. COBDEN, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, MR. GLADSTONE, and those who think with them, that is to say the Greek firms, and the rest of the philo-Russian party, have no doubt severely felt the misfortunes of their beloved country. We should be happy to suggest to them any consolation, if we could think of any; and perhaps it may comfort them to reflect that, although Sweaborg was demolished without the loss of a British or a French life, it is probable that the capture of Sebastopol will not be accomplished without heavy loss on the part of the Allies.

Attachments may be not the less sincere because they are unaccountable; and the gentlemen above-mentioned may have a predilection for Russia, just as it is conceivable that they might be inclined to pet a boa-constrictor. Russia, indeed, is a boa-a great boa, as the fine young gentlemen say-rejoicing in the alleged peculiarity of the amphisbona, or serpent with two heads, one head at each end. The Russian amphisbona has the superior head in the Baltic, and the inferior in the Black Sea, and a body curled half round Europe, which the northern mouth and the southern have opened to swallow. Either head of the snake, however, has been considerably bruised, and we cannot help expressing the hope that both will be smashed, however sincerely the Peelites and Manchester friends of the reptile may sympathise with its agonies.

Jonathan and the Bear.

PRESIDENT PIERCE has congratulated the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA upon his assumption of the Imperial boots; and the EMPEROR assures the PRESIDENT that the last words of NICHOLAS were words of sympathy and admiration of JONATHAN! The knot of international friendship would seem to be formed of the serf-knout and the slave cow-hide!

THE POPE IN SARDINIA.-His Holiness, not content with making a pretty kettle of fish in Spain, has also expressed his paternal determination to "pot" the Sardinians.

"Razors ?" said the secretary; but ere he could add "your Majesty he was footed by a sudden movement of the royal muscles into the extreme corner of the cabinet.

"Cane!" (otherwise "dog!") cried RE BOMBA,-"Carpets!" Whereupon the canine secretary gathered himself up on his two legs, and like a dog returning to his seat, he sat him down, and proceeded to write "carpets."

"Bestia!" cried RE BOMBA. "First, let painters be summoned; and let the royal patterns be drawn and limned; and when this shall be done, and we have approved thereof, then shall you write to the Lutheran slave "-here his Majesty graciously spat-" and the carpets be commanded."

And in due season these things were done, even as the King had given order.

CHAPTER III.

A LOVELY morning broke upon the Bay of Naples. The golden sun The glittering dew! The azure heaven! The sapphire ocean!

There might be seen an English barque, cleaving the liquid field. The Union Jack fluttered-to the eye of a Briton-defyingly from the peak. Boldly, saucily, did that English vessel plough the main. She brought up-she dropt anchor. She was straightway accosted by a boat of the King's.

That British craft was the proud bearer of the carpets woven by the happy Lutheran, whom RE BOMBA had delighted to honour. Now the carpet-weaver-embracing his saddened wife, and kissing his happy children-bad quitted the soil of Albion to come, and in his own person, to deliver and lay down, the royal carpets. Perchance, too, the sordid dealer had brought with him a receipt for the royal ready-money. Now the carpets were duly sent to the royal palace.

CHAPTER IV.

AN interval of six weeks is here supposed to take place; when a British islander, of bilious and malevolent aspect-in the unalterable opinion of a Neapolitan physiognomist, much attached to the Neapolitau police-might be observed, with his dog, for every British islander travels with a British bull-dog, pacing the sunny side of the Piazza Reale. That bilious stranger was the Lutheran carpet-maker, and hope deferred had made yellow his cheek. For six weeks had passed; and

to honour.

The islander-with a brutality that a love of truth compels us to own, too much distinguishes the travelled Briton-resolved to write a letter to the King. Yes: the sordid Lutheran determined to tell unto RE BOMBA, a bit of his carpet-dealing mind. With this thought, he took his way to his Hotel.

Arrived at his hostelry-his faithful dog still bearing him companyhe beheld at the door a waggon, blazing with the arms of Naples. Now, in this van, or waggon, were the carpets returned to the carpetmaker. Of a verity, the carpet thrown back upon the carpet-maker's hands.

CHAPTER V.

Ir were vain to hope to paint the dismay, the rage, of the carpetmaker. He called down not a shower of manna on the anointed head of BOMBA the King. He vehemently swore; but, with a craftiness that characterised the tradesman, he swore in English. Whereupon, the faithful servants of BOMBA the King let him swear his belly empty, and arrested him not.

"What was wrong in the carpets? "Did they think he'd be swindled ?" "He, a free-born Briton!" "He, who was represented in his own British parliament! "He, who was never born to be a slave!" "To come to Naples to be robbed-plundered-bamboozled -and that, too, by a-a

But, as we have said, felicitously for the ferocious Briton, he raved and swore in his mother-tongue; and the officers and the King's servants hindered him not.

Of what availed it, that he commanded the ragamuffins about him to set him face to face with the Majesty of Naples! Of what availed it, that he demanded to know in what whit, tittle, or particular, the carpets differed from the order given. They were woven even as commanded; and the arms of Bourbon and of Naples-

(The Bourbon arms! How much blood has gone to paint them! How much more blood of man, woman, and child; blood in the dungeon; blood at the wine-feast; blood on the scaffold; blood in the chamber, to paint the blazonment, that still blackening and blackening in heaven's air, will have more blood to keep it fresh. But, to return to our Briton, perspiring, and ever, as he utters the sacred name of BOMBA the King, shaking his clenched and parricidal fists.)

The carpets were shot down at the door of the hostelry; they had been looked upon by the eye of the King, and the King in his heart, spat upon them.

And now, the carpets being rejected of the sovereign, the law of Naples required of the British islander to pay upon the British woven fabrics the duty of import. The Briton had brought carpets into the kingdom of Naples, and Naples was not to be fobbed of her due; for it is known that Naples has her duties, even as no Neapolitan has his rights.

"Pay import duty! Be robbed! No, the bold Briton would go to prison. He would rot with pleasure in a dungeon first." And then, exhausted by the expression of his unflinching firmness, the Briton paid the cash.

CHAPTER VI.

THE Times newspaper, gashed by the stiletto of the Neapolitan censor, lay upon the table of the Hotel Victoria. That sheet called up all the home feelings of our wanderer. He looked at the "Births," he knew not why, for he had no expectations. He read the "Marriages," idleness all, for was he not already wedded? He paused at the "Deaths;" but somehow nothing cheered him. And again and again home-sickness pressed upon him, and he felt his heart-strings twitched towards the sea.

He would go: he would shake from his polluted shoes the dust of Naples, and England should ring with his wrongs; and he would take his carpets with him.

Even so. Hence, the carpets where put up, and no voice dared to make an offer.

At last one man took courage. He made a bidding; a low and modest bidding. But the auctioneer smiled, nodded his head, and was satisfied; for to the amazement of the vulgar Briton, the auctioneer knocked down the carpets for an old song; and that a Neapolitan one. And who was the fortunate purchaser? Surely no private man-no private woman? No.

The carpets were bought by an officer in the household of his sacred Majesty BOMBA IL RE!

CHAPTER VIII.

THE COCKNEY MALAKHOFF.

THE storming of Sebastopol at Cremorne the other day, by the Grenadier Guards and Artillery, seems to have been very much like the real thing. Actual wounds and broken bones, at least, appear to have attended that gallant affair, and if there was no mine under the soldiers feet to blow them up, it appears that they stood on a footing which proved almost equally dangerous by letting them down. The brave who fell in the Crimea are more than sufficiently numerous, and England cannot afford men to tumble at Cremorne, unless they do so in the capacity of clowns and harlequins, and without the risk of breaking their necks. It is to be hoped that the public taste is too wonder at MR. SIMPSON'S catering for it, any more than at his supplying them with carrion, if they preferred that to ordinary cold meat. comfort is not a very agreeable one, and anybody must have a queer kind The thought of those who are dying and suffering for our ease and of heart who can enjoy a scene of sham carnage in a pleasure-ground.

Vesuvius never poured forth streams more consuming in their fierceness and fury than the volcanic Briton ejected at the paternal government of Naples.

No, he would not be swindled a second time; he would even at an alarming sacrifice sell the carpets-sell them in the broad daylight by public auction.

CHAPTER VII.

THE day came. The mart was crowded. The carpet-pieces were displayed; and great and general was the praise of the fabrics, glowing like flowers. But of what use to the private modest Neapolitan citizen How could his foot trample upon the Bourbon arms? As well think to put his shoe-leather on the anointed neck of Il RE BOMBA assoluto. Who would raffle for an elephant? Who would put into a lottery for a knot of rattle-snakes? Who would draw chances for a hippopotamus? Surely, no private man or woman.

THE POPE AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWELVE.

IF, during one of those persecutions which the Roman Catholics, from the statements of their newspapers, appear to be continually suffering, an attempt were made to fry the POPE, there is reason to expect that his Holiness would come out of the process rather more lively, if anything, than he was before being subjected to it- indeed that he would do himself no harm, even should be step out of the frying-pan into the fire itself. The probability that the SUPREME PONTIFF is thus fireproof in not derived from any similarity between his Holiness and the Apostle, whom, Church history informs us, the pagans vainly attempted to boil in oil; but from the very opposite circumstance, that PIUS has, for some years, been existing continually in hot-water. He has now quarrelled both with Spain and Piedmont, and with each State on nearly the same ground. Spain has given him offence by refusing to persecute anybody for his religious faith or opinions, so long as these are not expressed by any public acts contrary to Popery; and also by putting some limitation on the power of the priesthood to add to their number, and create a swarm of "idle, useless, miserable clergymen," to quote the words of a memorandum of remonstrance with the HOLY FATHER issued by the Spanish Government. But, what no doubt is much more vexatious to the paternal heart of his Holiness, the Government of Spain has dared to attempt also to limit, in some moderate degree, the power of the Church to retain property. They might as well have questioned the Immaculate Conception." Accordingly the POPE threatens to retain the sins of the Spaniards; and, shaking what he calls the keys of St. Peter at their heads, menaces them with excommunication. He has pursued the same course with Piedmont; where unserviceable convents have been abolished, and a stop thus put to the rank luxuriance of monkshood. Nay, a misunderstanding has even arisen between the Papal Sovereign and his dear friend KING BOMBA. Therefore, our lord the POPE may safely be said to be situated in water of a very high temperature. As yet, certainly, he is not cooked, though many expect that he will be in some little time, and DR. CUMMING will perhaps inform the curious how long he will take to be done.

66

Henry VIII., Act i., Scene 4.

THE OPPOSITE PARTIES IN ST. GEORGE'S CHAPEL.

were placed on Friday by SIR CHARLES YOUNG, Garter King of Arms, over the Stail of his Imperial Majesty, which immediately faces that of the KING OF PRUSSIA, in the Chapel Royal of St. George, Windsor."

"The banner, sword, crown, and achievements of the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH

CONFOUND that fellow, PALMERSTON, I'm sure it was his spite,
To get his QUEEN to make that man--that BONAPARTE- a knight;
The banner of that parvenu, a studied insult, shown

At St. George's Chapel, Windsor, hangs right opposite my own.
They knew I shouldn't like it, if we two met ever there;
"Twould be impossible for me NAPOLEON's eye to bear.
Dash them! they knew right well that I, all blushing with disgrace,
As blush I must, could never look that new Knight in the face.
For he has acted gallantly, without deceit or trick,
All Europe, saving Russia, says that I deserve a kick,
For shuffling like a base, mean, shabby, dirty, double king:
My name is call'd a neuter noun, which signifies a thing.
Suppose I faced my vis-à-vis -hard matter to suppose!
Of course he 'd instantly turn up that great, long, ugly nose,
And that mustachio'd lip of his would curl with bitter sneer,
Importing "What has that poltroon, I wonder, to do here?
"Off, Russia's underbanded friend! off lackey of the CZAR!
Thou in that place of Honour! Hence-but leave thy spurs and star:
Go, in a beer-pot plunge thy face-hide thy diminish'd head-
Until to shame insensible they carry thee to bed!"

Whipping up a Joke.

THE Ministers in giving to MR. HAYTER a china cup, are believed to have intimated to the honourable recipient a wish, that he might long live to enjoy as whipper in, the luxury of whipped cream in the testimonial then presented to him.

A NIGHT WITH THE NATIVES AT DRURY LANE. WE have a large marrowbone to pick with the Directors of the Opera at Drury Lane. The other evening we attended the performance of Der Freischütz at that theatre. The overture, to be sure, was admirably played. Caspar did his spiriting not gently indeed, but, we will confess, extremely well, dramatically and musically. Agatha, or Agnes, sang characteristically in the character of an angelic kind of girl. We never saw or heard a better Rodolpho, alias Max, nor so good an Anne. As to Zamiel, he played the deuce with a fine appreciation of the part. Killian, Kuno, and the Hermit, all of them, behaved very well to WEBER, and Prince Ottocar acted with almost as much propriety as that which distinguishes PRINCE ALBERT. The Owl was effective in the Incantation scene, which the audience wanted to encore. But to all of these personages the fashionably constituted mind will discern one insuperable objection. Who was Caspar? MR. HAMILTON BRAHAM. Rodolpho? MR. ARTHUR LOCKSLEY. Ottocar? MR. GLANVILLE. Kuno? MR. HODGES. Killian? MR. CHARLES WEST. Zamiel? MR. COSTELLO. Agnes? MISS (not MDLLE.) LANZA. Anne? MISS DYER. The Hermit's name was omitted in the playbill-it was probably JOHNSON.

This brings us to our marrow-bone. All these ladies and gentlemen were plain Misters and Misses. There was not one Herr, Monsieur, Signor, Madame, or Mademoiselle in the whole cast. It is very true that the Chorus sang so well that it might have passed for German, and that the Conductor would have been taken to be a modern Roman, if, instead of preserving the final y of his name he had denominated himself SIGNOR TULLI. But the marrow-bone remains. The artists above-named were so many examples of talent considerable indeed, but merely native. We cannot say that the Owl and Supernumerary Imps did not come from La Scala, or the Dresden or the Berlin Operathey hooted and danced well enough to warrant the pretence that they did, but that was not alleged. The Opera was performed, too, after the German manner; the whole of WEBER'S music retained, and the condensation done by cutting down SNOOKS's dialogue.

Justice compels us to add, that the Drury Lane Operatic Company, conscious of the serious want of foreign names and a corresponding accent, appreciate their own abilities accordingly, so that their prices for admission are expressed by low figures, and anybody who simply wants to hear good music can get that article very cheap at their establishment.

turned the indignant servant. MR. DRIVER then said, "I must have this money. The Company order me to get it." MR. BROWN repeated what he had said, and added that he had only, as it happened, a few shillings in the house. "The Company must have it," was the Collector's answer. He then made a sign to his assistants, MR. BROWN was thrown upon the floor, his slippers removed, and a number of blows were inflicted with a stick upon the soles of his feet. The sufferer implored for mercy, but the only answer was, "the money." MR. BROWN persisting in declaring that he had it not, he was dragged to the fire, and hot water from the kettle was poured over his feet, the Collector still repeating at intervals, "the money." MR. BROWN'S cries now brought down his wife, to whom the Collector explained, with perfect civility, that he was only torturing her husband to get the Company's money, and then proceeded to heat a shovel red hot, with a view to the infliction of further sufferings. MRS. BROWN's frantic appeal for a brief delay was unheeded until she tore off her necklace and ear-rings, and shewed that she was going to procure the money, which she did by pawning her ornaments. The Collector gave her a receipt, regretting any inconvenience he might have occasioned, and departed, and we understand that this mode of collecting for the Company is found to work very well, and will be generally adopted.

[Mr. Punch utterly discredits the whole of the above report. It is evidently the production of some penny-a-liner, who forgot that England was not India, and that practices which MR. VERNON SMITH admitted to be the regular means of collecting "the Company's" revenue in the latter country, would not be tolerated here. To torture HER MAJESTY'S subjects with white faces and black clothes is one thing, to torture her subjects with black faces and white clothes another, and the stupid scribe who invented this ridiculous story clearly does not know the difference.]

LORD CAMPBELL boasted in the House of Lords, on the last night of the session, that he had been a soldier in his time, and said he believed that he could even now manage a Minié rifle. It is not improbable, considering how well "plain JOHN" has succeeded in an aim requiring some skill-that of lodging certain balls on the top of his own head.

A PROVINCIAL Society has been formed with a laudable object, that of counteracting the sale, by hawkers, of objectionable books. It has, however, a curious title, being called the Book-Hawking Society. To an association with such a name, the first purchases that would occur would, we suppose, be the FALCON Family, with the productions of FALCONER'S Mews, HOOD'S, BELL'S, and JESSE's.