CHURCHYARD CLAY.

IT is not enough that
Churchman and Dissent-
er, lying in the church-
yard, should have become
so much clay-they must
have a barrier of clay
between them. Bishops
do fight for bricks!
Hence, LORD EBRING-
TON, who just now seems
to have quite a rash of
liberality broken out upon
him, proposed a clause
in the Burials' Bill," pro-
viding that it should not
be necessary for the
burial ground of any
parish to do more than
prove that a regular line
of demarcation had been
made between the parts
intended for the inter-
ment of members of the
Church of England and

selves to themselves," by a deep foundation of brick, or
the wall is a delusion; a mere flam of burnt clay, in no
manner carrying out the purposes of Christianity.
MR. W. J. Fox spoke against any wall soever: a wall
would be "unseemly in the extreme!" But this it is to be
a liberal! When how much real piety would not only
have a wall between the established dead and the dead
dissenting, but a wall surmounted by a stout, strong
chevaux-de- frise?

SIR GEORGE GREY gave assuring comfort to certain members, pained by certain doubts. There was no fear that the dead would be otherwise than piously interred. For "if clergymen buried the dead in unconsecrated ground, they violated the feelings of the members of the Church of England, and"-and this is a penalty-" and deprived themselves of their fees;" a deprivation hardly to be thought of. That earth is only consecrated that yields money; it is no Christian burial-ground, unless it also partakes of the qualities of gold and silver mines.

Now, if there must be lines of demarcation, why not mark them in lines of flowers? Why not let the final bed of the Churchman and the bed of the Dissenters be separated by a bed of heartsease; a line of forget-me-nots; a strip of amaranth? And here and there the herb of grace?

But no, as the bill has passed, the Bishops may insist upon a wall-so much toleration in burnt clay. The Germans have a good name for a churchyard; Gottesacker others." Bishops, it-God's field! A field that, according to the episcopal seemed, require walls to opinion, must bear a standing crop of bricks. separate the dead of the Established Church from the Dissenting deceased.

There is great conservative power in burnt bricks: and the established and dissenting dead will sleep the more soundly until the last day, if kept in peace and quietness by the handiwork of the bricklayer! LORD EBRINGTON, however, lost his motion; and the Bishops take their triumphant stand upon a brick wall. The question, nevertheless, remains unsettled, as to the depth of the foundation of the wall. If it be not sufficiently deep to separate the sleepers, some of them sleeping six, eight, nay ten feet deep in the earth-it can have no conservative effect; the dead, according to the Christian meaning of the act, must be kept "them

TENNYSON, you are an eminent bard; there is none of more note;
You have sung some capital staves; for example, your Bugle Song,
Out of numerous noble lines which I wish I had room to quote.
But I think that some of your views propounded in Maud are wrong.

I shouldn't object to War for "shaking a hundred thrones,"
Provided it left that one at Buckingham Palace firm.

But I hate and detest it, because of its breaking brave men's bones,
And rendering many true hearts of heroes a meal for the worm.

I cannot agree with you, that War is better than Peace,
Because in Peace time men lie, and rob, and cozen and cheat.
They will bam and bite the more as the Tax-man shears their fleece;
For nothing makes people thieve like the want of enough to eat.
Your "smoothfaced snubnosed rogue" has a large per-centage to pay
On the gains of his fraudulent trade; that's the worst of the War to
him.

Were a shell to burst in his shop, do you think he would not run

away

As fast as he possibly could, out of danger of life and limb ?

But suppose such a snob could be, by the pressure of War's distress,
Compell'd, or induced, to chouse in a somewhat minor degree,
And suppose he turn'd out with a stick if the Russians were off
Sheerness,

Would that be worth the blood that we shed by land and sea?
Imagine your stomach pierced with the lance or bayonet's point;
Just fancy your own inside with the bombshell's fragments torn,
Or a Minié bullet lodged in the middle of your knee-joint,
And a wooden leg, if you live, for the rest of your life to be worn.

Beyond some, albeit, of course, how many years no one knows,
The War cannot last; what then? When the hurly burly's o'er
Will the knaves not continue to swindle, do you suppose,
And adulterate food and physic as much as they did before?

Better torment and death in the glorious field to brave,

Than to run the risk of both, submitting to certain shame, Better the sabre-gash than the stripe that scores the slave. That is all I can find to say for carnage, rapine, and flame.

The Hyde Park Report.

MR. SUPERINTENDENT HUGHES has obtained " a long day:" the report of the evidence on LORD ROBERT GROSVENOR's riots will not be ready, it is said before October. In the meantime, should the Kaffirs revolt, it is suggested that MR. HUGHES should be sent out with his staff to put them down.

A nation that suffers war might suffer a great deal worse,

It is worse to crouch, and crawl, and be tongue-tied, than to fight. A choice of the smaller evil, to either side a curse,

War is murder upon the wrong, execution upon the right.

I do not compare the British Grenadier to a sordid wretch

For a suit of clothes and a guinea who chokes out another's breath;
I esteem that gallant hero as a quite sublime JACK KETCH,
Who risks his own precious life in putting villains to death.

But I grudge that brave man's blood; I think it a grievous thing
That in sweeping off vile Cossacks a drop of it should be lost;
I wish they could be destroy'd, as the felons at Newgate swing,
Machinery and rope comprehending all the cost.

But the miscreants are too strong, and battle alone remains,
The means of ridding the world of the CZAR's enormous gang,
And we are obliged to open our purses and our veins,

To put the criminals down, whom we cannot contrive to hang.

I abhor this War as much as I should a plague or a blight,
I wish the loss of life and enormous expense might cease,
But the more with dogged rage for that very cause would fight
In hatred of horrible War, and the hope to conquer Peace.

A Bone to Pick with Lord John.

THERE appeared the other day in one of the papers a letter headed with the words "LORD JOHN's last stake." We do not think the public care any more about LORD JOHN's last stake, than they do about his Lordship's last chop, which indeed can scarcely be called his last, for he is just as likely as the wind itself to chop again, if an opportunity offers. We cannot speculate as to the last chop of LORD JOHN, but that he is by no means first chop has for some time been glaringly evident.

THE LORD MAYOR'S COACH.

WE hear that this vehicle has been valued by the City appraiser, previously to its being offered for sale. We are not at liberty to state the amount of the valuation, but may be allowed to repeat the report, that the fleas descended from WHITTINGTON'S cat-will be found to be worth half the money.

WHY SHE COULD NOT SMILE, DEAR

MOTHER.

I CANNOT Smile, dear Mother,

And I know my look provokes

My father, and my brother,

When they've made their little jokes.

I heard the hint at "physic,"

I heard the whisper, "bile"

As we came away from Chiswick-
But alas, I cannot smile.

Yet, do not let them chide me,
O, do not wrong your girl-
True, he was not beside me,

And my hair was out of curl.
But the reason was far other,
For my sadness on our trip;
I could not smile, dear Mother,
For my cold has crack'd my lip.

The Progress of Russia.

MR. GLADSTONE pities the boastful effrontery of England, that hopes to check the onward march of Russia. On she must come; and our hundred millions a-year are only so many millions turned into ducks and drakes. DR. CUMMING is of the same opinion. He prophesies that "Russia will, sooner or later, possess the Mediterranean, seize Palestine, and on its plains finally perish amid the judgments of Heaven.' MR. GLADSTONE does not go as far as the doctor. He allows that Russia must, despite butjudgment postponed.

"You'm no call to laugh, young man. My complexion's as much a objeck to me as the first Lady of us, get as far as the Mediterranean; of the Land's is hern."

RABELAIS IN THE CRIMEA.

herd of asses and merry jesters were perfectly right, sound of wind and
intellect, and that a de lunatico was not required. And the Great
Bridlegoose did very aptly and fitly condemn the same Whom-to-
Hang, for that he was a greater ass than his brethren he sought to
defend-for that, being nobody, he had no feelings for men; for that,
being an anonymous scribbler, he had blurred, dirtied, spoilt, and wasted
good wholesome paper, which might have been better used than in

How RABELAIS went back to the Palace of Sound, and how the people
therein did hold April Fools' day every day in the Season, likewise
of the gigantic Roe that butted everybody.
OUR ship, such as it was, progressed gallantly through the dead cats
and dogs, the sewers, the gas and tan, the suicides, old kettles, lamp-spelling out the ungrammatical and illogical brayings of an ass.
leavings, bottles, tripe-cuttings, decomposed fish, condemned meat, and
the like delicacies, whereof this wondrous river doth consist, back again
to the great Palace of Sound. In the which palace people did seem to
me to grow more insane than ever; and, sooth to confess, had I one
hundred mouths, two tongues to each, a voice of iron, a heart of steel,
lungs of leather, and the heads of all the asses that go to a cabinet, yet
I never could give you even a fifth part of the nonsense I witnessed in
the great Palace of Sound.
For, no sooner had the great and famous Cat NIMRODUS, sat down,
than another frightful but brave beast got up. And this was the
gallant Roe, who with his horns did buck, and poke, and butt, and gore
the same animals which the great Cat had just scratched so handsomely.
And he did say, that all the asses ought to be turned out, as unworthy
to consort with the nobler beasts, and that the first thing was to find
out who the asses were.

But as he that doeth wrong careth little for publicity thereupon, as he that knoweth himself an ass writeth not down his title, so did our worthy Long-Ears stick to their thistles, and prefer their own stable to the public air. But they did bray in vain, for that the Roe, albeit he was but weak in frame, did so lay about him, that they did jump about from one thing to another, braying, lying, trifling, fiddling, playing at a game called amendments, moving for nothing and getting the supplies, losing their temper, sucking oranges, biting their lips or their fingers, playing at pitch and toss with soldiers, defending those who had nothing to say for themselves, turning asses into horses, making moons out of green Stiltons, fancying people believed in them; and so did they divert themselves and the nation with all manner of Jacks in the Green, sham fights over which the great Bottleholder did preside (and which were always sold or crossed), jumping into sacks (for that many were forced to go out), duck and drake with the people's money, shooting the long bow about public services, making dirt pies out of other people's honesty-all the which some did assure me, was because in the great Palace of Sound, the First of April did last all the season round, for the which reason they did seek to provide amusement for themselves and the people-especially as they were right well paid for their performance. And there was a something or other named Whom-to-Hang, the which did indite, write, and scribble certain rubbish to show that the

And so the row went on, and the asses brayed, and the geese stood everybody. But it was of no use, for the great Roe did so buck and butt on one leg, some with garters curiously devised, and everybody defended that the great Bull came to his help; and these same will, it is devoutly in all honour to be prayed, prove that, when heaven rains larks, cathedral commissions are not fed on extra bishoprics, income taxes are repealed, and the great flunkey JEAMES speaks the truth or the GADSTONE a word of sense, or when any other impossibility comes to pass-the great and dangerous Roe will buck to some purpose, and the asses will be ashamed of their own ears, and put up with a "people's allowance" of their own thistles.

ROMAN DUCKS AND GEESE.

THE Paris correspondent of the Morning Post says:

"I observe the Papal journals of Italy are continually spreading false reports about the Sardinian forces in the Crimea. Sometimes they are beaten by the Russians, and at others decimated by cholera. Such falsehoods indicate the spirit of Papal priestcraft, which of necessity sympathises even with orthodox Russia, rather than with constitutional freedom."

paternal heart." One of them, perhaps, is the habit indulged in by his The POPE is always complaining of annoyances which "grieve his children upon the Italian Press, of telling lies in his interest. It and Rimini winking statues. Of course, these "canards," or ducks of seems that Papal canards are not confined to Loretto flying-houses Popery, find some geese who believe them.

"Messrs. Bright and Co." translated.

"MESSRS. BRIGHT AND CO"-writes the intelligent author of the article in Blackwood on Russia-are very popular with the bigoted national party. Their speeches are translated, and they are exhibited " as the only true expositors of the feelings of the majority of the people of England." In answer to this, Mr. Punch begs to assure the people of Russia, that JOHN BULL disclaims all and every connection with JOHN BRIGHT, alias JOHN MuscoBRIGHT.

HE Morning Post contains an account of the LORD LIEUTENANT OF IRELAND'S late visit to DR. MONTGOMERY'S museum at SIR PATRICK DUN's hospital, Dublin, and after describing various anatomical curiosities exhibited there to the noble Lord, proceeds to mention that

"Another series. of preparations was then. shown, to illustrate the rather startling fact that the integrity of

brain is not, under all

circumstances, essential

to the discharge of the ordinary functions of life, and that injury done to the brain is not so likely to interfere with those functions as it is supposed. Amongst

other cases

under notice was that of a child who had no brain,

and yet lived for ten days, performing every function of life as well as children of that age usually do; and one of a child having its brain external to the skull."

The latter of these infant prodigies was a thoroughly Irish baby. It presents an analogy to Iago's idea of wearing the heart on the sleeve, for daws, or other birds of prey to peck at; but the former suggests comparisons of more practical interest. The brainless infant that performed every function of life as well as other children of the same age, affords proof that a certain instinctive capacity for routine can exist independently of brain. Everybody knew that such a faculty might be compatible with very little brain, but few were aware that it could be exercised irrespectively of any brain at all. It may be questioned by some people whether

Young Sholomunsh (to Young SNOBLEY, who is attired in his very best). "Now, SIR! LET ME SHELL YOU A NISH SHUIT OF CLOSHE, MAKE YER GOOD ALLOWANCE FOR THE OLD UNS YER'VE GOT ON!"

[SNOBLEY'S feelings may be imagined. I marble, but of gold.

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 20, Queen's Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Ufice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of i ondon, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of London.-SATUBDAT, August 18, 1555.

THE WORKMAN'S PROMENADE CONCERT.

On the evening of Sunday how pleasant to stray
In Kensington Gardens, and hear the band play,
With my leisure amused, and my feelings refined,
And with tranquil enjoyment elated in mind!

At that time, on that day, I shall seldom be seen,
With my pipe and my pot on the public-house green,
I shall not very often spend that afternoon
In continual exertions to fill a spittoon.

But what shall I do when the summer is o'er,

And the band will perform in those Gardens no more?
When church hours are finish'd why should there not be
Sunday concerts on purpose for people like me?

Let the music be sacred, and sacred I call,
Not parochial psalm-tunes, but good music all,
Such as quiets the troubled, and cheers the distrest,
And on Sunday would set a chap's spirit at rest.

I feel, when I hear certain pieces and airs,
Just the same as I should in attending to prayers;
And think time so employ'd is almost as well spent
As it would be in hearing a Reverend Gent.

But music's expensive, mayhap some will say,
And you'll have the piper on Sunday to pay;
That scruple on my mind weighs not in the least;
Why not pay the Piper as well as the Priest?

And even supposing I paid to go in,
Can any man look upon that as a sin,

Any more than what church-goers frequently do,
Namely, giving a bob for a place in a pew.

It will come in good time; and I hope that the move
In the right way now made a beginning will prove,
It is a concession-keep rolling the ball-

And let us give thanks to SIR BENJAMIN HALL.

Tuesday. The Commons met, to be ready to receive their dismissal. PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. SIR DE LACY EVANS made very good use of the interval by a speech August 12, Saturday. (St. Grouse). The Lords deplored that the upon the conduct of the War. He showed that the Army ought to be Commons had mutilated the Charitable Trusts Bill, but their Lordships strengthened, and how; and especially recommended the employment of vanquished their grief sufficiently to assent to the mutilations. The a Polish Legion, and the bringing a portion of our Indian forces to the Limited Liability Bill, which had been a good deal altered by the scene of war. LORD PALMERSTON reiterated his pledge that the War should be carried on vigorously. Lords, was then passed. LORD LANSDOWNE, (as a Member of the Government) tendered his thanks to the Peers for the amendments and up the long passage, into the House of Lords, where The Black Rod was then held up, and the Commons scuttled away, they had been kind enough to introduce. A few minutes later, the Bill was carried down to the Commons, where LORD PALMERSTON, (as another Member of the Government) said that the amendments were very objectionable, but that it would be better to accept them than risk the loss of the measure. After this pleasing instance of Cabinet unanimity, both Houses adjourned, the Lords until Monday, the Commons until Tuesday.

Monday. The Law Lords expressed a great deal of wrath at the way in which the SOLICITOR-GENERAL had spoken of their free-and-easy manner of hearing appeals. They vindicated themselves from the charge of being a Court of terminer sans oyer, asserting that they very often listened to what was going on, that sometimes one of them told another what had been done in his absence; but the best defence was, that counsel said the same thing over and over again so often, that anybody, who would look in and remain for any reasonable time, must know enough to enable him to decide the case.

LORD CAMPBELL expressed his particular desire that soldiers might be allowed to attend in the Assize Courts, and the Chancellor added, that he had once let in some soldiers at Chester, and that they were most quiet and attentive auditors. All this was the merest clap-trap, a springe which JOHN LORD CAMPBELL is thought to be always ready to set. He added some utter nonsense to the effect, that "the connection between the judicial bench and the military was more intimate than was imagined by some persons." Very intimate of course. The soldier puts powder in his gun, and the judge in his wig; the soldier kills people by shooting them, the judge by hanging them; both have serjeants constantly before their eyes; the judge is a judge of assize, and the soldier is a man of a size to, and often a good size; the soldier charges a foe, and the judge charges a jury; and in short they are as alike as possible, and LORD CAMPBELL deserves great credit for enlightening the nation as to the interesting fact.

annals of our legislature record. HER MAJESTY, as Mr. Punch intiThe coup-de-grace was given to about as useless a Session as the mated would be the case, stayed away, but sent the CHANCELLOR, ARGYLL, HARROWBY, GRANVILLE, and STANLEY, of Alderley, to get rid of the Parliament. This they did in rather a neat speech, in which the nation was not insulted by any particularly bad grammar, and in which the small achievements of the Session were dwelt upon with considerable fluency of commonplace. The War paragraph is, however, worthy of being lifted out of the limbo of oblivion, in which most speeches, royal and popular, are deservedly interred, and of receiving the distinguished honour of being used by Mr. Punch as an embodiment of his own patriotic sentiments, and as a conclusion to his own inimitable summary of the Session:

"No other course is left to her Majesty, but to prosecute the War with all possible vigour. And her Majesty, relying on the support of her Parliament; the manly spirit and patriotism of her People; upon the never-failing courage of her Army and Navy, whose patience under suffering and powers of endurance her Majesty has seen with admiration; the steadfast fidelity of her Allies; and above all, upon the justice of the cause-humbly puts her trust in the Almighty Disposer of events for such an issue to this great contest as will secure to Europe the blessings of a firm and lasting peace."