THE CHEMISTRY OF THE CANNON. MR. PUNCH begs to give HER MAJESTY'S Government the following Notice of Motion:-Somebody to move for returns of the expenses incurred since the commencement of the War, in trying experiments for the purpose of applying the resources of chemical and mechanical science to the destruction of HER MAJESTY's enemies, their fortifications and shipping. It is in no spirit of petty economy that Mr. Punch instigates somebody to move for this return. Quite on the contrary, Mr. Punch is afraid that the expenditure devoted to this most important purpose has been ridiculously small. Hardly a day passes without the Times containing a complaint of neglect at the hands of the Ordnance Board from some inventor of a projectile or a compound, apparently calculated to kill swarms of Russians, and blow up their nests. In particular a very awakening letter-though of course it will not rouse official sleepers-from DR. BENJAMIN W. RICHARDSON appeared in that journal the other day. From that communication, it appears that a gentleman named SCOTT has, like CAPTAIN DISNEY, invented an inflammable liquid and a shell, the latter of which, charged with the former, promises, at least, to afford the most valuable assistance to our brave defenders in executing their high and humane commission to sink, burn, kill, and destroy the miscreants who have broken the sweet peace of the world, and have forced us into this horrible War. Well and truly does the DOCTOR Say:

"I think I have shown that the Board of Ordnance might at least have instituted one or two experiments bearing on an inquiry so scientific, simple, and important."

In the same day's Times another letter appears, with the signature of BASHLEY BRITTEN; the writer whereof has devised an improved sort of artillery, of which the Government has made incomplete trial with results that want nothing but confirmation to be conclusive. MR. BRITTEN says:

"The only thing I require is the authority to make a few more experiments, bat, in order to be useful, they must be on a very much larger scale than hitherto, and entered into in a more free and liberal spirit, with perhaps a little more assistance from military experience, savouring less of criticism on my efforts as a civilian."

Government does not hesitate to expend immense treasures in repeating the experiment of building enormous ships, which has thoroughly failed, but it grudges the outlay of a little money on the repetition of an experiment in artillery practice, which appears to have succeeded.

Still in the same Times, MR. ALEXANDER PARKES complains that he cannot induce the Government to grant him a trial of "a new shell, and

A SAINT AND A PROPHET. LORD EBRINGTON prided himself at having told LORD PANMURE, that "it would be very hot in the Crimea during the summer." But the Marylebone Prophet surely did not stop there? He also informed LORD PANMURE, that when the winter came, it would doubtlessly be! extremely cold in the Crimea. He likewise ventured to say, that supposing it rained much, it would probably be wet under foot, and that, when there were four or five feet of snow upon the ground, there would be without doubt an end to all cricketing. It was in consequence of these statements, the force of which LORD PANMURE admitted at once, that boots, tents, stoves, and all kinds of provisions and clothing, were sent out to the Crimea. Our brave Army in the East, little knows what it owes to LORD EBRINGTON, and we did not know ourselves until his Lordship kindly told us.

TWO STUMBLING BLOCKS.

ON the same day the Marlborough and the MARQUIS OF BLANDFORD found themselves in an awkward "fix "-the one at Portsmouth, and the other in the House of Commons. The Marlborough would not take the water, and the BLANDFORD would not take any beer-at least stood in the way of the public taking any beer on the Sunday. Both crafts were guilty of obstructing the public "ways." However, the Marlborough has since been removed, but the other stumbling-block still remains, and is as likely as ever to impede ary useful measure from being launched by thrusting before it some wooden "slip" or other, that is sure to be out of order. The sooner this crazy old BLANDFORD and his numerous slips are knocked away, the better it will be for the progress of business and the smoothness of all parliamentary "ways."

a powder which is considerably more powerful than ordinary gunpowder." And then there is LORD DUNDONALD's plan, which there is very strong noble Lord really can, for the comparatively small charge of £240,000, reason indeed to suppose to be what he asserts it. What if the annibilate the Russians like so many of those insects that infest beds! Would ministers rather crack or crush each individual of these swarming myriads at several hundred pounds a-head? Do they kill their own so? If there is anything, why not try it? If they fail-they fail, and thus? If there is nothing in his Lordship's plan, why don't they say there is a little more money lost. If they succeed there is an end of the War, and (perhaps) the Income Tax. It remains untried, and the people don't know the reason why. But Mr. Punch does. DR. RICHARDSON points out that the mere publication of the note of CAPTAIN DISNEY'S experiments, is sufficient to put every chemist in Europe up to the composition of the substance with which his projectile is charged, and to enable such a fellow as JACOBI to employ it against us. This will the Board of Ordnance, is so apathetic in reference to this kind of inby-and-by be done. The reason why the Government, and especially ventions, is, that it has not yet been done-that the Russians have British fleet. Should they persevere and succeed in doing so, then, not hitherto succeeded in applying them to the destruction of the perhaps, the Committee of the Board of Ordnance will be reconstituted on the model of the Commission for exploring chemistry and mechanics in order to exterminate us, which has been established by our savage but sharp foes at St. Petersburgh: unless, indeed, ministers shall have had Red Tape Street blown about their ears, the Russians having bombarded the Treasury from London Bridge.

"Descend, Ye Nine!"

FROM the opera of the Etoile du Nord we learn the important historic fact, that PETER THE GREAT suppressed nine letters of the Russian Alphabet. However, we are secretly informed, that these nine letters will shortly be restored, out of compliment to MR. GLADSTONE having given his name, which also consists of nine letters, to the extension of Cossack barbarism.

THE WAY OF THE WORLD.

"I BEG of you to understand, Sir," said a philosophic beggar, "that though I am asking for a penny, I am not in the least want of it." The penny was instantly given."

NINETEEN FORTUNES FOR THREEPENCE.

UNCH sees that a fellow advertises,
that for twelve stamps he will send
a circular enabling a person to earn
an income in "nineteen respect
able ways;
one of which is, pro-
bably, the obtaining stamps by
means of such promises as the
advertiser's. One of these hum-
bugs, having secured the stamps
he demands, writes to his dupes
that they may earn a respectable
living by buying potatoes whole-
sale, roasting them, and selling
them about the streets by retail,
and this too may be another of the
nineteen ways in question. Mr.
Punch, desirous to undersell the
party, hereby offers to apprise the
public of nineteen ways of earning
an income, all for the price of three-
pence; and, in addition, presents
the other invaluable contents of his
current number.

1. Send round a circular, enclosing in an envelope, directed to yourself, a perforated card, for coin, and urging that the Church of St. Fungus, Diddleton Parva, (population 11,871 souls), is dreadfully in want of a new cocked-hat for the beadle.

2. Be a stockjobber.

3. Get hold of a piece of ground in a densely populated poor neighbourhood, run up a batch of undrained, unventilated, and unwholesome cottages, and let them to needy families at extortionate rents.

4. Organise a Benefit Society, be the treasurer yourself, make your brother its actuary, your brother-in-law its lawyer, hold its meetings at your uncle's public-house, puff it in your father-in-law's newspaper, and when you have got a good haul of deposits, let your cousin take you through the Insolvent Court.

5. Go into the House of Commons as an "independent" member, and transfer your allegiance in return for a good place.

6. Open a private bank, and convert your customers' money and securities to your own use-only get your passport before you suspend payment.

7. Set up a jeweller's shop, and "warrant" electrotype articles to be standard gold. Here you will need no passport, the little misdescription "not being held to exceed the ordinary licence of commerce." 8. Enter into business as a baker, and take care that your loaves contain the due commercial proportion of ground bones, mashed potatoes, and alum.

9. Become a patron of the manly sport of horse-racing, bet as heavily as you can, receive all that you win, and then discover that the excitement of losing compels you to seek the sea-breezes at Boulogne.

10. Another way. Enter horses for races, and study the noble art of "scratching," with due regard to your " book."

66

11. Buy a suit of black, get up some conventicle slang, and visit about at serious widows' houses as a dear brother in the ministry," not over-abounding in "this world's goods," but very partial to hot buttered muffins. Best let the watches and spoons alone, perhaps.

12. Get a dabbler in mechanics to draw up pretended particulars of an impossible invention, and do you go about persuading enthusiasts with capital to advance you money to obtain a patent. This device can, of course, be repeated ad infinitum.

13. Make a pill, paste, or liquor, (better not let it be actively poisonous,) spend ten thousand pounds in advertising that it cures everything, and in ten years retire with a hundred thousand pounds of the money of fools who have believed you.

14. Be the trustworthy medium between the friends of persons who desire public appointments, and people who somehow know persons who know parties who know individuals who know the wives of personages who have the ear of authorities who advise head-quarters.

15. Take a contract for supplying some branch of the service with clothes and food, and mind that the clothes are rotten, and the preserved meat to match.

16. Sell a five-act Elizabethan play to a theatrical manager. 17. Go to the bar, and attack or defend at the bidding of any scoundrel who can afford to hire you.

18. Import original pictures by the great masters; but, as you will have had them manufactured in your own back premises, you will not, of course, warrant them to purchasers, but only show a faded pedigree, strongly attested, and prepared in the same locality.

19. Sell unnecessaries of life" to foolish young men at a College,

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GERMAN ARMOUR; OR, MAIL AND FEMALE.
THE German warrior was, of yore, array'd in fashion grim,
A dragon on his helm he wore, an iron suit clad him;
His bonnet now of straw should be, with ribbons for a crest;
In silk or muslin, cap-à-pie, our Teuton should be drest.
For corslet in a corset should his bosom now be cased,
Thereto a satin sash were good for girdle to his waist;
He, also, for a stout mail shirt should wear a slight chemise,
And flowing robe with flounce and skirt much lower than the knees.
Gauntlets of iron let him leave for kid gloves, and prefer
The silken stocking to the greave, the sandals to the spur:
The arbalest past ages saw the stalwart German pull;
The modern Berliner should draw the thread of Berlin wool.

For now the German's is the case of maiden or of wife,
His post is not in honour's place, he holds aloof from strife.
He owes protection, like a wench, unto the stronger hand,
And leaves the English and the French to fight for Fatherland.
Break, enervated Prussian, break the needle from thy gun;
To needlework that needle take, and let thy work be done;
Whilst to defend thee from Cossacks the brave Allies advance,
Hem Tricolours and Union-Jacks for England and for France.

A GENERAL meeting of the Livery of the West-end as well as the City, that is, of the metropolitan domestics in the service of the fashionable and pecuniary classes, was held yesterday evening at JENKINS Hotel. The meeting was convened in consequence of a letter signed Income Tax to stewards, butlers, grooms of the chamber, cooks, upper Omega," which appeared lately in the Times, proposing to extend the coachmen, stud-grooms, housekeepers, and culinary persons of the female sex, receiving from £50 to £100 a-year wages, besides lodging, light, fire, and food, and to assess those gentlemen and ladies under schedule D. THE DUKE OF PIMLICO filled the chair very completely in the person of that nobleman's butler, and in spite of some difficulty of speaking attendant on a plethoric state of system, succeeded in explaining the object of the meeting, amid murmurs and cries of "shame!" The MARQUIS OF BAYSWATER, represented by one of his Lordship's footmen, rose to move a resolution that the proposed extension of the Hincome Tax to gentlemen and ladies in domestic service was a unjust, himpolitic, and ridiclous suggestion. The Noble Lord said he would stand by his horder. Hignorance of taxation had been their privilege time out of mind. It was always inseparable from plush, and the proud question of a gentleman olding the hoffice which he had the he oped it would hever remain so. "What is taxes?" should ever be honour to fill. He didn't know, and he didn't want to know, what they was, and should resist every attempt to give him any information on that unpleasant subject.

The resolution was seconded by SIR GEORGE TYBURN, BARONET, who derives his family name from the head of the family in which he is situated. SIR GEORGE dwelt upon the injustice of taxing a part only of the master's wealth and taxing the servants' hall.

A gentleman wearing the denomination, as well as the boots, of MONTAGUE BRUTON, ESQ., moved a resolution pledging the assembly to use its utmost endeavours to frustrate any attempt on the part of Government to render the gentlemen and ladies of ladies and gentlemen subject to Income Tax. It would be no ard matter to put a stop to any sitch scheme in case it was started. The legislature was in the ands of valley-de-shams, and if they found any such projick was hentertained they would only ave to give warnin' and stand by one another.

LORD MARYLEBONE, a nobleman by the courtesy of the cloth, seconded the resolution. His lordship observed that service was no ineritance, and the wages that ought to go into the savings' bank didn't ought to be grabbed by the Exchequer. They were found in food, lodging, &c., but what then? What became of all that, if they got out of place? While he was on that pint he would say one thing. He did think the case of the Curates would be uncommon ard if they

JOHN THOMAS COMPLETELY NON-PLUSHED.

Tax Collector. "JOHN THOMAS MOON CALF?"

John Thomas. " ESQUIRE, THAT'S ME!'

SEA-SIDE INTELLIGENCE.

is at its depth; though, if the latter were carried out to THE Season at Ramsgate is at its height, and the bathing a somewhat greater depth, it would be all the better for common decency, if that can be called common which is somewhat rare on the sands at Ramsgate. The Library is in full play, and the favourite tenor from London" is in full sing, warbling Ben Bolt to the captivated ears of middleaged young ladies in beehive hats, and other adjuncts to a sort of second-childhood juvenility.

The Sea-side commerce is limited to a few trays of shellpincushions, a small bundle of white boas, with a somewhat doubtful lot of Chelsea buns, and a parcel of brandy-balls. An attempt has been made to introduce a new article of trade, by a melancholy individual, who has been walking all over the town, and all along the shore, with a tremendous pair of polished horns, which he offers to everybody, but for which nobody makes a bidding. It seems to strike the public that the proprietor of the horns looks as if he really did not know what to do with them, where to put them, or how to carry them, and no one seems disposed to place himself in the same dilemma. The man with the horns is, in fact, becoming rather an object of sympathy, for it is the general belief that, if he should become worn out with his eccentric burden, and were to offer to give the horns away, nobody would be willing to relieve him of the very conspicuous article by which he is constantly accompanied.

PENAL MASQUERADE.

Ir anybody wants to make a fool of himself, one very good way is to put on a mask and an absurd dress, and go and dance therein at Drury Lane or Vauxhall. It is nevertheless possible to make a more foolish use of a mask and a costume than this, by which amusement is sought, and, by persons of weak intellect and depraved taste, obtained. It is possible to dress other people in a ridiculous manner, and to mask them, with a view to-their moral reformation. This is what is done by the authorities who direct the arrangements of the model prison at Winchester. The convicts detained in that gaol, besides being clad in prison dresses, have masks affixed to their faces in going and coming to and from their respective cells. However, causing the rogues to wear a mask is consistent enough with the Ticket of Leave system, which makes them hypocrites.

THE THAMES AND ITS TRIBUTARIES.

To look at the many floating masses that make of the Thames a perfect sink of corruption, one would imagine that in London it never rained anything but literally "cats

river.

A SCRAP OF COLLECTIVE WISDOM.

MR. NAPIER is reported to have made a rather wise speech on the motion for going into Committee on the Sale of Beer Bill. According to the Times

"MR. NAPIER was of opinion that the subject of the bill was not one in which the House should lightly interfere; but at the same time he thought it would not be worthy of the House to repeal in one session an act passed in the preceding session."

By parity of reasoning, if MR. NAPIER, were such a thing possible, made a foolish speech at one moment, it would be unworthy of him to retract it the next moment. Perhaps the reporter, by mistake, has substituted "worthy" for "characteristic." As MR. NAPIER's remark stands, brevity may be pronounced to be its sole advantage, and it lacks that additional merit of sweetness which is necessary to render it, by the popular similitude, equivalent in quality to a donkey's gallop.

The Banker's Chapel.

SIR JOHN DEAN PAUL'S Chapel, Chelsea, is to be sold by auction in the course of this month. There are many reports as to the probable purchasers. The Corporation of London will-it is said-be among the bidders with the intention of converting the edifice into a Chapel of Ease to Newgate. By the way, a strange, foreshadowing circumstance attended the last visit of SIR J. D. PAUL to his own chapel. The text preached upon was this-"Now BARABBAS was a robber!"

A TOWN OF TREES.

WE learn from the Morning Post that

"The trees in the Champs Elysées have just had numbers attached to them, similar to those of the houses of the streets."

of Paris has been decreed, our unsatisfactory contemporary omits to On what principle the numeration of the trees in the Elysian Fields inform us. We could understand why it might, perhaps, be desirable to number the trees in the Jardin des Plantes. Perhaps each tree may be destined to afford a locus standi to some Parisiau analogue of apple and oyster stalls, lemonade, and ginger beer, and toy ditto, and taturs all hot:-a splendid little establishment to be regularly numbered, like a shop. In any abstract numeration of trees, we, for our own part, can get no farther than No. 1, which is the British Oak.

LINES ON THE LAUNCH OF THE MARLBOROUGH. THE QUEEN the signal gave; they launch'd the ship, Which slid a little: then refused to slip.

Police!

THERE seems no great reason to apprehend the introduction into England of Yankee Tee-total legislation-the struggle should be to resist the adoption of a much more unconstitutional affair-the Mayne Licking Law.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. August 6, Monday. BARON REDESDALE, VISCOUNT CASINO, whose residence is Moreton-in-the-Marsh, and whose motto is Stick-in-the-Mud, tried to prevent the introduction of the Amended Beer Bill, on the ground that there was "no urgency" in the matter. His Lordship's appearance is so exactly that of a pious butler, that nobody was astonished at his dignified contempt for the poor creature, small beer;" but other Lords thought that the demands of the people were always matter of urgency, and the bill was read a second time by 25 to 16, and has since been passed.

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In the Commons, the Criminal Justice Bill, a measure intended to save accused parties from a long and demoralising imprisonment, was, of course, opposed by a lawyer, CHAMBERS, but read a third time; and the Charitable Trusts Bill, which is designed to keep charities out of Chancery, was also opposed, chiefly by lawyers, and had to be greatly mutilated in order to save any part of it. The Commons have passed

what remains.

Tuesday. In the Lords, LORD CASINO, of Stick-in-the-Mud, above mentioned, actually came out again as an obstruction, and tried to prevent the introduction of the Limited Liabilities Bill, but was beaten by 38 to 14. On Thursday, LORD CAMPBELL tried to render the measure as useless as possible, by endeavouring to exclude "small companies" from its provisions, but this ridiculous attempt was successfully resisted.

The Lords passed the Turkish Loan Bill, LORD ST. LEONARDS having opposed it on the previous night, and that unfortunate word "solidairement" having again come under discussion. The LORD CHANCELLOR thus admits, that, according to our usual way of managing matters, England has got herself bound "jointly and severally," while France is bound "jointly" only; but CRANWORTH adds that "it's of no consequence." May be so, but we don't want a Toors for Chancellor, nor slovenly bunglers for treaty-makers.

In the Commons LORD JOHN RUSSELL took the opportunity of trying to put himself in a better position with the country, but had better have held his tongue. He talked about the expensive character of the War, about nothing having been done in the Baltic, and about dangers to the common cause in Asia, and about the propriety of accepting the last Austrian proposal. He complimented the Turkish plenipotentiary to Vienna as one of the best informed men in Europe;" but, as Mr. Punch had the pleasure a short time ago, of

A BIBLIOMANIAC.

SOMEBODY advertises a complete set of the London Gazette, from 1810 to 1854, which is offered to the attention of the literary world and book-collectors in general. We dare say a purchaser will be found, inasmuch as there is scarcely anything that one person wishes to sell which some other person is not prepared to buy, at some price or other. We confess the collection does not offer much temptation to us, though the work may suit the tastes of many. Some would like to have it, from an ill-natured desire to peruse the bankruptcies of the last forty years, as there are some to whom the intelligence of the misfortunes of others is always agreeable. Others there are who would find a less censurable satisfaction in reading the lists of promotions, and becoming acquainted by name, with all the peers, baronets, and knights that have been created since the year at which the collection commences. We hope the purchaser of the work will favour us with his name and address, for we should like to include him in the index of a small book we possess containing the lives of remarkable characters. We hope the buyer, whoever he may be, will find that the book, in the language of the reviewers or puffs, "will repay perusal."

The Shell King.

EVERYBODY knows that FERDINAND, King of Naples, is also called BOMBA. FERDINAND is not, however, so much a monarch of bomb-shells as he is of egg-shells, or, at least, of eggs; for his subjects are in course of being beaten up on all sides by a regular Commission which his Majesty has established for administering the bastinado. These unfortunate eggs must feel their yolk intolerable.

recording the interview between the Turk and the Whig, the nation will understand what LORD JOHN's opinion on the subject is worth. which civil and religious liberty is outraged in Italy, and much of what Then he made a pathetic and sentimental harangue about the way in he said was very true; and, as the speech was merely an advertisement, in case the nation should happen to want a Liberal statesman of philanthropic tendencies, LORD JOHN will be good enough to send eighteen PALMERSTON laid it rather well into MR. GLADSTONE for his previous and sixpence to our Office in return for our thus copying it. LORD peace-mongering, after having helped to get us into war; and he summarily disposed of LORD JOHN's twaddle by announcing that he should prosecute the War with the utmost vigour, and that the opinion of the Turks was of no consequence, as it was for France and England to say when enough had been done. He admitted the truth of the Italian picture, and on Friday night, when that well-meaning but weak-minded Governments of Italy, PALMERSTON told him that the best thing he Roman Catholic, MR. BOWYER, essayed a defence of the Ecclesiastical could do for his clients, was to hold his tongue. As regarded Austria, the PREMIER declared, rather significantly, that she might not fight for us; but he would guarantee her not fighting against us. By a curious coincidence, KOSSUTH happened at this very moment to be drinking the health of MAZZINI.

MR. VERNON SMITH, the King of India, brought forward his Budget in the Commons, and showed (rather reluctantly) that the East India Company has, for a set of City merchants, singularly mismanaged the splendid country entrusted to them. They are in debt to the amount of £2,600,000; a sham surplus has been previously exhibited, as a commercial dodge; their accounts are confused and mystifying; and there is no longer any hesitation in admitting that torture is employed in police and revenue cases. The decisions of their local courts were stated to be a mass of contradiction and folly; and, altogether, the affairs of India present the strongest conceivable case for administrative reform.

Wednesday. The Commons were engaged in working up the fag-ends of measures, and generally clearing away for the recess.

Thursday. Rather a day to be noted. There was a bill called the Leases of Settled Estates Bill, which some persons thought would enable SIR THOMAS WILSON to steal Hampstead Heath. The promoters of the bill said that this was not so, but there must have been some grounds for the suspicion, or the law officers of the Crown would not have introduced into the measure a new clause expressly pointed at TOMMY,