And winegar, from what I hear, henceforward I shall be afraid of it, With vitriol, 'cause that ain't so dear, they makes the most of what there's made of it.

No comfort from a pinch of snuff can any longer be expected, With lead, that nasty filthy stuff, both Scotch and Brown Rappee's infected,

on it,

Their impositions and their cheats as often as I gets a-thinking of, Especially the stuff we eats, and nasty messes we're a-drinkin' of.

Oh! I've no patience with such ways, such artful, mean, and shameful trickery;

And now so high a price we pays to mix the coffee up with chicory!

That good-for-nothing stuff itself the wretches even mess and muddle up

With things still worse, for love of pelf-mingles it with black Jack and ruddle up.

I can't enjoy my cup of tea, for there's "lie tea" instead of true in it, They also puts sloe-leaves, I see, French chalk, black lead, and Prussian blue in it. Don't talk to me of Best Souchong!-such rogues ought all to be a gaol in, Fine Pekoe! Nonsense, go along! 'Tis half on't indigo and kaolin. Your arrowroot's potato meal, and so 's your cocoa and your chocolate, And that with common chalk, and bran, and candle-tallow you inoculate. Your mustard-pugh!-there's no such thing: of mustard there is not a taste in it:

"Tis flour and turmeric-'twon't sting-there's no dependence to be placed in it.

Your pickles and preserves you stains bright green for to draw people's eyes on 'em,

Whereby they verdigris contains, and them as eats on 'em they pisen 'em.

Your sugar-plums you colours too-at least confectioners in gineral-
With copper, lead, that Prussian blue, arsenic, and every deadly mineral.
Your Cayenne pepper is ground rice, sawdust, and mustard husk and
salt in it,

Mix'd with vermilion to look nice; or with red lead you hide the fault
in it,
Though I might find Cayenne in gin, suppose I happen'd to desire it,
Which spirit landlords puts it in, when they have lower'd it, to higher it.
They water porter just the same, and then to cause it to taste ekal to
Entire, put salt, oh, what a shame! and sugar into it, and treacle too.
Their ale the brewer's strength below with grains of Paradise they
flaviour,

They'll never go where them grains grow, unless they quits such bad behaviour.

upon;

What shop to trust I'm quite in doubt, their goods is such a vild Drat them that makes the laws! Get out. Ugh! I've no patience miscillany, with sitch villany.

THE REPORT OF THE POLICE COMMITTEE.

WE fancy we know the report of the Committee instituted to inquire into the brutal conduct of the Police in Hyde Park, even before it is published. If we are not much mistaken, it will run something in the following strain:

"We have made the most searching inquiries into the conduct of the Police on Sunday, July the First, in Hyde Park, and this is the result of our inquiries :

"The Police, far from behaving with the brutality so erroneously attributed to them, conducted themselves with the greatest gentleness and forbearance. Nothing could exceed the good temper they displayed. No praises can be too great for the lamb-like endurance they exhibited in return for the words and blows of the very hardest nature that they received for many consecutive hours from the infuriated populace.

"Numerous instances of this have come to our knowledge. The following, perhaps, may suffice:

"A policeman (W 104) disarmed a mob of boys, who had been pelting him for the last quarter of an hour, by going up mildly to them, and offering them (with a smile) some nuts. "CONSTABLE SAMPSON was struck by a ruffian at least three times his own size. He unaffectedly repeated the words of the ancient philosopher, and said Strike, but Hear. The ruffian's arm instantly fell, and grasping the Constable's hand, he listened, not unmoved, whilst the latter recited to him the whole of DR. WATTS's beautiful poem:

'Let dogs delight to bark and bite.'

A Prophecy Unavoidably Delayed.

MR. COBDEN's familiar swagger about "crumpling up Russia as easily as a sheet of paper," has only been delayed in consequence of the extreme scarcity of the material. But when the Muscovite Empire is reduced to rags, there will doubtlessly be a better supply in the market, and consequently less difficulty in procuring a sheet of paper to carry out the illustration. Further than this, only let the sheet in question contain a report of one of MR. COBDEN'S Russian speeches, and we will warrant that every Englishman's hand will be instantly raised against it, only too anxious to crumple it up.

AN EVERY-DAY MORAL.

discovered that the coats of the combatants are missing. The fact is, THE Law may be compared to a street-fight, at the end of which it is the Lawyers, whilst their clients were pommeling one another, have quietly walked off with them!

LADIES FOR LEGISLATORS.-There is one very good reason why ladies should be eligible for Members of Parliament. They would afford such abundant facilities for pairing off.

OUR OWN COMMITTEE ON THE BEER BILL.

T

HE Committee

ap

pointed by Mr. Punch to inquire into the operation of the Sunday Beer Act reports that Sabbatarian legislation for the purpose of getting sots to go to church is a day too late. It is remarked by the Committee that almost everybody who is addicted to inebriety, especially if a member of the cellarless and clubless' classes, is nearly sure to get drunk on a Saturday night, and to lie a-bed the next day. To have such a person, then, in church-going condition on Sunday morning it would be necessary to close the public-houses early on the evening before. The Committee point out that the hour at which it would be necessary to shut up

the liquor-shops on Saturday evening would be a very early one indeed, in order that the votaries of BACCHUS might have time to get sufficiently sober to attend to their religious duties. This arrangement would, in London at least, be attended with a serious inconvenience. Playgoers, fainting with thirst from the heat of theatres, or from their own exertions in laughing at farces and comedies, and crying at tragedies (or the reverse), and from perspiring at both, would be unable to step out between the acts to get a draught of stout; still less to procure a pull of that beverage after the performances.

To meet this difficulty two several courses are suggested by Mr. Punch's Committee. One is, to enact that the public-houses shall be permitted to supply refreshment to bond fide playgoers, inclusive of persons attending meetings and oratorios, if any, at Exeter Hall, in case of their choosing to demand a "drain" under that denomination. Audiences and attendants of all other concerts and meetings, not being "free and easy," and of lectures, provided the lecture be dry, that is, unaccompanied by grog or malt liquor, would be entitled to the same privilege. The claimants would be required to produce a refreshmentticket, which would be supplied at the theatre, concert, or lecture-room. The ticket would be stamped by Government, to prevent imposition: the machinery for this purpose might involve some expense, but what would that be to the people compared with the advantage they would derive from having the kind and gracious designs of a pious Aristocracy for their moral and spiritual improvement carried out? Thus, the objection to the word bona fide would be obviated: and the Committee adds, that in order to secure the genuineness of the tickets, it might be advisable to make the counterfeiting of them felony, thereby the more certainly to render the sumptuary project of the sumptuous orders feasible. The other course recommended by Mr. Punch's Committee, is to let all sumptuary and Sabbatarian legislation whatever alone.

EDUCATION AT THE ANTIPODES.

MELBOURNE had, according to the last advices from Australia, just opened its University, after a magnificent speech from the Chancellor, whose style of eloquence combines all the rotundity of the cannon-ball with all the hollowness of the cannon. We are of course great advocates for the spread of education all over the world; but we are afraid there is not much prospect for the cause, from the state of things at Melbourne: where, after an estimate of £110,000 for the building, £20,000 for the land, and £9000 a-year for the endowment of the new University, there are only sixteen students to profit by the tremendous outlay. The institution is to stand on forty acres of land, which will give precisely two acres and a half to each pupil. Perhaps the better mode of turning the concern to account will be to convert it into a vast gymnasium, with a Professorship of Cricket, who should give lectures on longstop, and other physical accomplishments, which seem to be congenial to the youth of Victoria. It is really a reflection on the colony, that its inhabitants are so immersed in money-grubbing that they cannot even spare their sons from the degrading pursuit, and only sixteen youths can be mustered throughout the whole of the vast locality to accept the offer of a liberal education. The fact is, that nearly everybody in the colony is making haste to get rich, in the hope of returning to England, where after all they are only doomed to disappointment; for the vulgar rich-who have nothing but their dross to recommend them are happily at a discount on this side of the world, as from their numbers they necessarily are on the other.

THERE IS NAE LUCK ABOUT THE
HOUSE OF COMMONS.

THERE is nae luck about the House,
There is nae luck at a';
There is nae luck about the House,
Now its gude man 's awa'.
To lead it there's nae mon alive,
Like puir SIR ROBERT PEEL,
It winna prosper-dinna thrive-
'Tis ganging to the deil.
There is nae luck, &c.

When a' gude people should unite
Against the common foe,
Its factions with ilk it her fight,
And let their business go;

And whilst they jangle, jaw, and jar,
And words rin unco high,

This House of ours neglects the War,
And everything forbye,

There is nae luck, &c.

DISRAELI here, and GLADSTONE there,
Indulge in adverse prate,

And BRIGHT and COBDEN idly share
In wild and vague debate.

And wee LORD JOHNNIE RUSSELL, aye,
Has something to explain,
And PALMERSTON his laugh must hae,
Whilst heroes fall in vain.

There is nae luck, &c.

As leaves in Autumn fall and fade,
So bills in Summer die;
Scarce ae gude Act thae chiels hae made,
For a' they've pass'd July;
And now is August here, and sune
This gude-for-naething House,
Wi' nought, but aiblins mischief dune,
Will just adjourn to grouse.
There is nae luck, &c.

Oh! gif the parties, out o' doors,
As in the House, were split,
How mony birdies, on the Moors,
Wad they be like to hit ?
But parties a' pursue their game
Wi' steadiness an' zeal,
When capercailzies ask their aim,
And not their country's weal.
There is nae luck, &c.

Gin sic a chiel as ROEBUCK try
To do the thing he ought,
His gude intent I ken na why,

Is sure to come to nought.
All ends in vapour and in smoke,

The mountain breeds a mouse,
All's barren, e'en the PREMIER's joke,
In this uncanny House.

There is nae luck, &c.

But at their clavers whilst they keep,

For a' the nation's ills,

The wind they sow, and whirlwind reap,
By Sabbatarian Bills.

JOHN BULL from day to day may bleed,
Wi' disregarded lot,

But on a Sunday they tak' heed
JOHN BARLEYCORN shall not.
There is na luck, &c.

Oh! wad about this House sae daft,
Auld NOLL could rise and be,
From dolties doure and sumphies saft,
St. Stephen's Ha' to free,
And thunder, glow'rin' at the Mace,
"That bauble tak' awa'! ""
Nae better luck than sic disgrace
Could now the House befa.'
There is nae luck, &c.

66

Pacific Ocean of words."

THE VALUE OF A NAME.

WE have often been struck by the sentimental earnestness of some respectable old beggar on the stage, who honestly announcing the emptiness of his pockets, begins to puff away at his own integrity with a force which might make a blacksmith blush for the feebleness of his bellows. Ah, my children!" roars out occasionally some seedy stage veteran, Ab, my children! though I cannot leave ye land, or gold, I can bequeath to ye a still nobler inheritance, an untarnished name which, by the way, might be the boast of anybody who could leave to his heirs, executors, and assigns a well-polished brass door-plate.

We are not often in the habit of attaching much value to this very nominal sort of estate, for an unsullied paternal name can be of little consequence, as far as the business of life is concerned, unless the heir wishes to make use of the name for fraudulent purposes. It does not follow that JONES junior cannot be a scamp because JONES senior was a respectable man, and we have therefore come to the conclusion, that in a commercial sense, a good name is no very great catch by way of inheritance. We admit the moral value of the bequest; but it is only against the alleged pecuniary benefit to be derived from what is commonly called a "good name" that we enter our protest.

We have, however, recently met with an instance in which a name has brought with it such an accession of fortune as almost to justify the clap-traps with which a stage father usually announces his intention to leave nothing in the world but the monosyllable JONES (without a blot on any part of it) to a numerous family. The instance to which we allude is that of MR. CHRISTOPHER, originally DUNDAS, who called himself CHRISTOPHER for £14,000 a-year, and is now, for the respectable consideration of £38,000 a-year about to call himself NISBET.

We can only say, that we would call ourselves BUGGINS or MUGGINS, HOPKINS or POPKINS, or anything that anybody might think fit to call us, for one quarter of the money. We know that ladies have sometimes very large sums settled on them before they can be induced to change their names; but it is difficult to conceive the motive for offering a gentleman several thousands a-year to alter his appellation.

IMPORTANT FROM THE EAST.

AMID the latest intelligence, or anticipations of the Overland Mail in one of the morning papers, our eye fell upon the following rather startling announcement:

"HASSAN BEY has received a present of a copper watch."

European, Asiatic, African, or American politics. The Foreign CorWe do not yet see the effect this circumstance is likely to produce on respondent who communicates this piece of news had probably no time for details, but in a future letter he will perhaps enlighten the world with further particulars. Who gave HASSAN BEY the copper watch? What did HASSAN say when he got it? Did the watch go? and a hundred other kindred questions will occur to the mind in reference to this somewhat remarkable topic. We wonder if the papers published in the East are filled with such foreign intelligence as that which we have quoted above, and whether such facts as "MR. JONES has received a present of a silver pencil-case," finds its way into the columns of our Asiatic contemporaries under the head of "Latest from London." We have no personal knowledge of the recipient of the copper-watch, but any one to whom a present is given is, pro tanto, a gifted individual." Nevertheless we should be disposed to look upon HASSAN BEY as HASSAN rather green.

Parliamentary Obsequies.

A BILL has been brought into Parliament under the title of the Burial of the Dead Bill. As this is about the regular time for the Massacre of the Parliamentary Innocents, a Burial of the Dead Bill is less than was to be expected. One would naturally look out for the burial of numerous dead bills.

THE STATE OF AFFAIRS.-A Member of the Opposition wrote lately to one of his constituents :-"Things are in such a miserable state that, without PALMERSTON, it would be absolutely impossible to laugh at all."