It is most gratifying to philanthropists to know, that very few casualties have occurred to anybody during the visit of the Fleet to the Baltic waters. TAKE CARE OF YOUR COMPLEXIONS! THE processes of gilding gold and painting the lily are becoming quite surpassed as hyper-superfluities by the means which are adopted by young ladies now-a-days for protecting their complexions. Some few seasons since we fancied that the force of preservation could no further go, when those feminine infernal machines called "uglies" were invented. But a recent visit to a watering-place (we will not make the others envious by specifying which), has completely undeceived us: and although we now imagine that the climax has been reached, we have still a latent fear that we shall find next year it hasn't. Our readers will, however, probably agree with us, that it will require some ingenuity to increase the methods of protection which have already been adopted, when we tell them that the other day we sawor rather we vainly tried our utmost to see a young lady, who preserved at once her complexion and incognito by wearing Item. A Round Hat, of the first magnitude: doubled down to eclipse all but her chin! Item. An Ugly: of magnitude to match!! Item. A Parasol!!!! And the worst of it is, that very many of these young ladies who muffle themselves up in this more than Turkish manner (for the Turkish women do at least allow their eyes to be looked at), have nothing to be ashamed of that they should so hide their heads for. On the contrary, indeed, it is a cruel fact, that the prettiest faces are in general made the most invisible. THE BACCHANALS OF COLOGNE. As loud as we can shriek O, CLICQUOT'S chaplet of the vine Is EMPEROR already? CLICQUOT! wear the double wreath! As long as we can speak O, 11. No fear of an explosion in Germany-at best it will be but a smouldering volcano of German Tinder. A little smoke, and it will soon blow over. 12. The King, Lords, and Commons of the German Diet are represented by:-Sourkrout, Small Beer, and Small Germans. 13. The first step a Prussian takes in public life is the goose-step. 14. If Prussia is an Eagle that has shown the Russian white feather, Austria is only a paper Kite-a Kite that is only enabled to keep up by the enormous length of Bills it has tied to its tail. 15. One grain of English Sense is worth a whole, bushel of German Philosophy. MANAGERIAL DOCILITY. THE Manager of Drury Lane has set an example, to which we see no particular objection, except that its adoption might entail some little inconvenience. Having produced a drama to which one of the critics takes exceptions, the Manager writes to the paper in which the strictures appeared, and states that he will comply with the Critic's wishes, cut the drama into the number of acts recommended, and otherwise follow the directions given. We have no doubt that in the present instance the process will be an improvement. But if dramatic productions are to be thus dealt with, we think that the Critics ought to meet, and agree as to what they shall demand of a Manager. Otherwise the latter may be embarrassed. One Reviewer may have a pleasant home, and social habits, and therefore may like short plays, which enable him to get away early-another may have a controversial wife and declamatory offspring, and therefore may desire nine acts and fourteen tableaux as a justification for the latch-key, and non-domestic oysters. Then one, being of a kindly and gentle nature, will, as is usually the case, like murders and all sorts of horrors on the stage, and his contemporary, being of a savage disposition, equally of course prefers elegant dialogue and repartee, and the Manager may be advised, on the same morning, to cut out the brutal scene where the ruffian throws his mother-in-law and grandmother into the fiery furnace," and to excise the scene where all that snip-snap talk, intended for epigram, interferes with situations." However, so long as Managers pay the utmost attention to everything but the literature of their dramas, the com6. When the German Goose is cooked, there will be no lack of petent critic must do in type what ought to be done by the Reader to the theatre. A HANDFUL OF GERMAN SILVER. 1. GERMANY is a rich cake, cut up into a number of small pieces. 2. The lights of German Philosophy are little better than pipe-lights. 3. The Prussian Constitution is a great Pudding, first mixed in 1815, and which has been boiling ever since, so that it has all boiled away, and now there's nothing but the dirty cloth left. 4. Kings sow promises, and the people reap moonshine. 5. Donkeys prefer thistles to theories. sausages. 7. Liberty will never light her torch from a German pipe. 8. Your German is all smoke, and no fire. 9. German pride simply amounts to this:-Sourkrout will not mix with cabbage. 10. Political Schools in Deutschland have been broken up long ago; the last master starved for want of pupils. A Remarkably Healthy Clause. (To be henceforth introduced into all Marriage-Contracts). THAT, in all families where Jars abound, it is clearly understood that it is the wife who pays for all the breakages. Not being much of a zoological turn, we are somewhat at a loss to guess what "noble animal of the forest" is referred to. As far as we can comprehend it, the description seems to us to point to something between a mad dog and a donkey at bray. If, however, we were asked to find a zoological representative for Prussia, we should say it might be typified in that respect most fitly by its Sovereign, who, according to all accounts, now daily makes a beast of himself. In which case the above description might with greater truth to life run thus: "CLICQUOT, like a noble animal of the mahogany, sits with fuddled head and bloodshot eye, attacking no one but the man, whoever he may be, that stops the bottle." THE LAMBTON CASTLE BABIES. WE read in a provincial paper, "The young VISCOUNT LAMBTON, heir of the EARL OF DURHAM, being a twin, is distinguished from his younger brother, FREDERICK WILLIAM, by a blue silk ribbon tied round his right wrist." This will not do. Emphatically, Mr. Punch, as an adorer of the House of Lords and the respected aristocracy generally, repeats, this will not do. May he be permitted to show why? He will put a case without intending the slightest offence to the EARL OF DURHAM, or VISCOUNT LAMBTON, or the HONOURABLE FREDERICK WILLIAM LAMBTON, or anybody else; but still a case worthy of grave consideration. Mr. Punch knows nothing of the arrangements of Lambton Castle, but he takes it for granted that the nursery department is confided to the care of a head nurse of the most exemplary and conscientious character, one whose faith in the mystic value and influence of primogeniture is worthy of the nurse of an Earl's heir; one who would shudder at the profanity of a mistake in such a matter. But suppose-it is almost profane in Mr. Punch to suppose it, but he will patriotically venture-this nurse should, in carelessness, or in wilfulness, or under the control of a wicked and democratic husband-privately transfer the blue silk ribbon from the VISCOUNT's little fat creased wrist to FREDERICK'S, and this being done in the secrecy and silence of night, the following morning the brothers should change places, and the VISCOUNT'S wet nurse should administer to the comforts of the younger baby, who should thenceforth become "the EARL'S heir." And some day, many days to come, we trust, for LORD DURHAM is under thirty, but still coronets must be transmitted-suppose the wrong twin should take his place in the House of Lords, and in the discharge of his function as arbiter of our destinies, should give the casting vote for an unjust war, or a disgraceful peace, or against a reform, or in some other way interfere with the history of Englandhaving no right to do so whatever, and taking his seat only by virtue of nurse's blue ribbon. This is too dreadful to contemplate, and we protest against the identity of one of our hereditary legislators being left to the caprice of a nurse, or to the security of a little piece of silk. Our constitution in Church and State must not be left dangling on so frail a support. Mr. Punch would not hurt a fly, far less a baby; but there are stern duties which he owes to his country, and to his aristocracy; and on behalf of the nation, and of the House of Lords, he must insist that no time be lost in tattooing an Earl's coronet (which so nearly resembles the celestial crown, that it is no wonder Earls are so pious) upon some portion of the VISCOUNT LAMBTON, so that there may be no mistake hereafter. The process may not be pleasant for the moment, but when the baby Viscount can read and comprehend from what Mr. Punch proposes to save him, his gratitude will be certain. Besides, if he inherit the spirit as well as the name of his noble grandfather, the first EARL OF DURHAM, he will not shrink from a display of patriotism, even at discomfort to himself. The LORD CHANCELLOR, as Speaker of the House of Lords, ought to go down and see the thing done, and afterwards register in the Lords' Journal an attested copy of the marks. LORD ERNEST VANE. "BUT who is my LORD ERNEST VANE? And who is my LORD ERNEST VANE?" He's a chip of the block, And a sprig from the stock, Of a Marquis's house, in Park Lane. "And what is my LORD ERNEST VANE? And what is my LORD ERNEST VANE?" He's a brat of nineteen, Whom our LADY THE QUEEN, In her service is pleased to retain. And what deeds doth my LORD ERNEST VANE? And what deeds doth my LORD ERNEST VANE?" Why, he does what he likes, And he drinks, swears, and strikes, And bangs Managers' backs with his cane. "And why is he LORD ERNEST VANE? A better man, rather, "And who pays for my LORD ERNEST VANE? For the taxes supply His pay to this "savage," young Thane. The impertinent lad, Why, thus said my LORD ERNEST VANE, NASH, your bidding they do. Why in spite of all prayers, He flung NASH down the stairs, And then punch'd him, with might and with main. "But they punish'd my LORD ERNEST VANE, Sure they punish'd my LORD ERNEST VANE?" Yes, they levied a fine, On your money and mine, Which greatly distress'd the young CAIN. And where is my LORD ERNEST VANE?" And where is my LORD ERNEST VANE?" Why, being a Lord, He retains his gay sword, And swaggers in scarlet again. He has 'friends,' then, this LORD ERNEST VANE? He has 'friends,' then, this LORD ERNEST VANE?" He bas, and he's sent Where he'll pitch a Snob's tent, "Then good-bye to my LORD ERNEST VANE, a very good job That we're quit of bad heart and bad brain. But the System that made ERNEST VANE? But the System that made ERNEST VANE?" That makes us all flunkeys To such titled monkeys-" Ah! when will that finish its reign? The Servants' Hall. THE secret Tribunal that sits in judgment over the Drawing-room, and every night issues its decrees that are distributed all over the neighbourhood the next morning. LANDING OF TOM NODDY. HIS HORSE HAVING HAD ENOUGH OF IT, RETURNS TO HIS STABLE. CHESTERFIELD FOR SOMERSET HOUSE. COMPLAINTS are continually being made of the incivility of the clerks in many Government Offices, and particularly of the subordinates employed in that department of Somerset House where the money is received for stamps and taxes. It appears that these persons are greatly addicted to the use of bad language, consisting in answers which are much more concise than perspicuous, delivered in a rough and rude tone and manner, to applicants for information which it is their business to afford. These brief and brutal replies, moreover, are, in effect, misdirections as to forms requiring to be filled up, and therefore not only excite disgust and indignation, but also entail inconvenience and expense. To remedy this nuisance, a measure is hereby proposed, which has produced a great amelioration of the manners of a class of persons, whose speech and demeanour were once not much less objectionable than the tone and bearing of these officials. Let it be enacted, that every individual of the latter class shall, like each member of the former, be compelled, under a penalty, to wear a badge, numbered and conspicuously apparent. And let it be further enacted, that every such individual aforesaid shall, for the neglect, in the discharge of his duty, to return a sufficient answer, or for returning a rough, abrupt, or uncivil answer, to any person whomsoever, be liable to be summoned before one of HER MAJESTY'S Justices of the Peace, and on being convicted of any such offence, shall, for each offence, forfeit a given sum; or, in default of payment, be imprisoned in the House of Correction for one week. Respectful behaviour to that Public whose taxes they subsist upon, would soon, by some such measure as the above, be enforced on these insolent fellows; precisely as it has been on the comparatively polite cabmen-polite comparatively not only to their own predecessors, but also to the contemporary class of underlings at Somerset House. MAKING ALLOWANCE. AT a recent meeting of the Creditors of PAUL, STRAHAN AND CO., a proposition was made and agreed to, that two of the Bankrupts should have an allowance out of the assets; or, in other words, that the defrauded Creditors should pay for the support of the parties who are accused of having defrauded them. This request seems to us very like a demand from a pickpocket, that the prosecutor, whose handkerchief has been stolen, shall at once provide for the light-fingered "party" and his family, if he happens to have any. We really cannot see why a bankrupt-and especially a fraudulent one-should continue to be kept at the expense of his unfortunate Creditors. If the parties have sympathising friends, let the friends by all means show their sympathy in any manner they may think fit; but if the ex-bankers are really without the means of support, the law-we mean the Poor-Law-supplies a refuge. It may be said, that there is money in hand, but this money no more belongs to the bankers than does the "swag," as it is expressively called, which is found in the possession of a party of thieves who are detected in the midst of their operations. We can make allowance for good deal of human frailty, but we must say that an allowance of a pecuniary kind-to PAUL, STRAHAN AND Co. is far beyond the limits of our rather "enlarged" philanthropy. a NOTES AND QUERIES ON 'CHANGE. Is there no law to hang for high treason any person, or persons, knowingly concerned in negotiating a Russian loan in this country, or in sending or procuring to be sent pecuniary supplies to the enemy? If not, why is not Parliament called away at once from the pheasants, and such a law enacted instantly? What can there be more eminently contraband of war than the sinews of war? Note, in reference to the question of the gallows: that war is an exceptional state; and an extreme case demands an extreme remedy. Might not a law, not generally desirable, be advantageously introduced on the Stock Exchange-the law, to wit, Transatlantically called Lynch? Not to suggest that capital punishment should be inflicted, might not tar be applied, with feathers, under this law, to all manner of persons convicted of wilfully spreading false rumours, with a view to create embarrassment in our national affairs? In which case, would not certain Greek Firms assume the very suitable externals which denote "birds of a feather?" Old Party (to P-nm-re). "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR,-DID YOU WANT A SPERITY OLD WOMAN TO SEE AFTER THINGS IN THE CRIMEA? NO OBJECTION TO BEING MADE A FIELD MARSHAL, AND GLORY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT AS A GOOD SALARY!" |