BABY SHOWS.-A SEA-SIDE MONSTER.

Ar the late Baby-show at Withemsea, the sea-bathing place of Hull, all the visitors were, as a matter of course, canvassed for subscriptions, in order that the prizes might be equally worthy of the precious child carrying off the prize and the proud mother carrying the baby.. We are appalled at the capable atrocity of human nature; but we are moralists, satirists, and part journalists, and, at whatever cost of feeling, will perform, like Cerberus, our triple duty. A hideous old bachelor, with a face corrugated like a walnut, and a mouth like a tweezer-case (we forbear to give his name, indeed, it is unnecessary), received, in due course, a circular soliciting his mite for the triumphant poppet. To this urbane, and most humanising epistle, the sea-side monster wrote the following reply:

Griffin Hotel, Sept. —, 1855.

"Sic,-I thank heaven, I am sixty-two; and what in a few years may be made a show of in what was once domestic and respectable England, I am happy to say I am not likely to see. I can understand a lambshow, a pig-show, or even a learned pig-show, but why parents should ask to be rewarded for fine babies, like a couple of mountebanks sending round the hat for clever tumbling, I am not yet old or wise enough to learn.

"I see a great many old women about this place; visitors, who I hear are spinsters, every one of 'em. These women go about with big round brown flop-hats, to save their skins; just, I suppose, as we cover up furniture in summer to keep the mahogany from cracking. Now, Sir, why not make a show of them, and let the oldest that can pass for the youngest carry off the prize? It might amount to enough to make it worth any honest labouring man's while, and buy the poor thing a partner for her natural life. To this benevolent object, I have no objection to give my five pound. More; I will give the article away.

But to contribute towards a prize baby, this in the least way I will never be brought to do. Stop; as it is ever my wish, in my annual visit to the sea-coast, to conform, in so far as I can without an entire loss of self-respect, to the tom-foolery of the place,-I will subscribe my two, nay, my ten guineas, to what you are pleased to call this 'most laudable, most interesting, and most domestic purpose,' on one proviso: and that proviso is this

That the Baby-show having taken place, and the prizes awarded, the unsuccessful candidates, without distinction of month or sex, shall be one and all immediately drowned. On this simple condition, you may send your treasurer for my ten guineas.

"I am your Obedient Servant,

"HEROD THROTTLEM.

"P.S. When the Baby-show has come off, why not follow it up with a Show of Donkeys; for, of course, 'the affectionate parents' accompany 'the interesting offspring!'"'

THE ROMANCE OF EUCLID.

ABSURD RUMOUR OF AN APPROACHING MARRIAGE IN
THE HIGHEST LIFE.

THEY say that young PRUSSIA our PRINCESS will wed,
Which shows that we can't believe half that is said.
What! she marry the nephew of CLICQUOT the mean!
The friend and ally of the foe of the QUEEN?

Why, nothing keeps CLICQUOT from standing array'd
Against her in arms, but his being afraid.

His near kinsman the spouse of HER MAJESTY'S child!
Pooh!-the notion is monstrous, preposterous, wild.

His nephew her husband!-whilst over his head
Dethronement apparently hangs by a thread.
He is far below zero in Honour's scale down.
How long with good name lost will he keep his crown?

Suppose his liege subjects made him cut and run,
Would his brother succeed him, or that brother's son?
They'll bundle the dynasty out, neck and crop,
And set up, most probably, quite a new shop.
Deposed, we shall have him to keep over here,
And find him in brandy, in wine, and in beer;
And his nephew and bride we should have on our hands,
And to grant them a palace, and money, and lands.
The PRINCESS is-bless her!-scarce fifteen years old;
One summer more even o'er Dinah had roll'd.
To marry so early she can't be inclined;
A suitable Villikins some day she'll find.
Moreover, in her case, we know very well,
There exist no "stern parients" her band to compel,
Affording the LAUREATE a theme for a lay,
With a burden of "Teural lal leural li day.”

INK FROM BEER.

MR. PUNCH's admiration of that remarkable paper, the Morning Advertiser, is not habitually expressed, he hopes, in terms which may be considered fulsome. But he is bound to say, that the mode in which it would appear that the journal in question is governed is so preposterous that much may be excused to the unfortunate executive. The paper is the property of a set of Licensed Victuallers, who hold periodical meetings, and thereat discuss, not merely the general management of their organ, but the merits of the Editor, Writers, and Reporters, and the proceedings at these meetings are not even kept private, as might be expected from men of business, but the Witlers' criticisms on the articles are reported and published. One Boniface declares that the Editor "draws it a deal too mild," and another complains that the editorials are "frothy," and that the paper wants "more head to it." A Witler of practical character suggested, at the last meeting, that one of the writers should be told to "leave out some of his poetry," possibly thinking that the poor quoter gave unsatisfactory measure. When GRAHAM, GLADSTONE, and HERBERT retired, and bread became dear, the crisis was discussed as that of the

THE papers informed us the other day, that MR. SYLVESTER, the new Professor of Mathematics at Woolwich, has a passionate love for the Science." We do not doubt the Professor's high qualifications, but we cannot believe that there is anything passionate in the attachment of this gentleman, or that] he is either sentimental, or what is usually Quartern and three Outs," when the Sewerage Bill was debated, termed "spooney," over the pursuit to which he is devoted. If we are doubts were expressed whether the rate-payers ought to "stand a drain," to believe the paragraph alluded to, MR. SYLVESTER is a sort of and one day a leader-writer gave awful offence when, in citing from the Mathematical Romeo, with one of EUCLID'S figures for his Juliet. If Anatomy of Melancholy, he remarked, that there were many objectionable this were the case, he would, of course, be jealous of every other clever things to be found in Old Burton. Now this kind of supervision, by individual who pays attention to the alleged object of his affections; personages whose education has been somewhat "concentrated" and no other Professor of Mathematics would be safe in his Chair, if must be peculiarly undesirable. We admit that fas est ab Host-e the assertion of the paragraph-monger were to be credited. If doceri, but doubt whether a Newspaper-writer who understands his MR. SYLVESTER had anything like " a passionate love" for Mathe- business can be taught much by the Host of a public-house. Withmatics, he would be writing odes to Problem 1, or sighing over the out the least disrespect to the Witlers, who, no doubt, deserve Pons Asinorum, and, perhaps, precipitating himself, from very senti- all the compliments lavished upon them the other day by MR. WAKLEY, mentalism, over one of its parapets. We, however, believe nothing of and fully subscribing to the truth of that gentleman's tribute to the the sort; but we are satisfied that MR. SYLVESTER has a sensible regard grace and sweetness" of their female relatives, we must think that a for the ingenious Science in which he has so eminently distinguished publican knows less about Ink than Beer, and that he had better leave himself. the management of a Newspaper to those whose business it is to under stand the subject. We doubt whether even the WARREN "who kept a Poet" insisted on mixing blacking with his ink; and we confess that only one thing surprises us more than this kind of interference with the legitimate functions of those who, having been chosen considerately, should be trusted implicitly; and that is, that any English journalist should submit to dictation from behind the Bar. On recollection, however, is it so ?

PALMAM QUI NON MERUIT-SNEER-AT.

WE cannot share the surprise of our contemporaries at the elevation of certain veterans to the rank of Field-Marshal, for the operation is in perfect uniformity with the system that has generally prevailed at the War-Office. Age and incapacity are quite as worthy of promotion as some of the other materials out of which Field-Marshals have been made; and it may, at all events, be said, in defence of one of the recent instances of exaltation, that the "party" has a name which entitles him to the step he has gained; for Cumber-mere is an appellation that may be considered appropriate to a rank which, from the objects on which it is usually conferred, may be regarded as mere-ly Cumber-some.

t

A TRAVELLING TRUTH.

YOUR genuine travelling Englishman carries his grumbling, his invincible discontent everywhere. In fact, it forms part of his luggage; and he would no more think of leaving it behind him than of travelling without his medicine-chest.

if he read the Book with intelligence. How many working men does your Grace suppose capable of so reading any but a very moderate portion of that Book, on the meaning of which DR. CUMMING and other Doctors so widely differ?

Your Grace should not forget that, having heard the text of that same volume expounded in Church, the working man might, were the Gallery and Museum open on Sundays, go and see illustrations of its narratives at the former institution, and attestations of its authenticity at the latter. Does any more innocent-nay more edifying-occupation for him occur to your Grace?

Had he better sit during the intervals of Divine Service twiddling his thumbs? That expedient, certainly, would preclude any mischief which might result from the idleness of his hands.

Had he better literally observe the Day of Rest by going to sleep? Your Grace, of course, would consider his making a railway excursion, or taking a steamboat trip, quite out of the question.

You could hardly desire that he should walk in the Park, and countenance and encourage the desecration of the Sabbath on the part of the superior classes, by gaping and staring at their equipages and flunkeys.

And surely your Grace will not prefer that he should spend his time in the public-house, as he can if he likes, though he cannot spend it among the biblical pictures, and the scriptural monuments, and the wonders of creation.

A few policemen might supply the place of the keepers of the Museum and the Gallery. Or a proper number of guardians might be appointed, selected from that class of HER MAJESTY'S subjects to which the LORD MAYOR elect belongs, and who observe the Sabbath according to the written Law of their Lawgiver, and not in a different manner and on another day, that other day being prescribed by the Tradition which your Grace altogether protests against, but insists upon in this one instance. The holyday of the keepers would be preserved by the substitution of the gentlemen in the blue clothes, or of those with the aquiline noses; Anglican consistency would be maintained; satisfaction would be given to everybody but the neopharisees; a great boon would be conferred on a great many people; much less gin, much less beer, and much fewer mechanics would be drunk on Sunday; and very much pleasure would be afforded to your Grace's humble Servant, PUNCH.

P.S. Don't listen to the dishonest suggestion, that the concession of any point whatsoever, whether right or wrong, is damaging to clerical power.

THE DUKE OF SOMERSET "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

THE DUKE OF SOMERSET has taken the earliest opportunity of celebrating his accession to his title, by still further illustrating that magnanimous contempt of courtesy that distinguished him as LORD SEYMOUR. His Grace, it may be remembered, refused to give security of voting to tradesmen, because certain dealers adulterated their goods. House of Lords, where would his Grace be? If only men of unadulterated gentlemanly habits were admissible to the

The DUKE OF SOMERSET'S "What do you want ?" to MR. ALFRED Your Grace-I am not forbidden to apply that title to you, although, "Get out of that, old woman," to MRS. ANNE HICKS, of the Serpentine, HAMILTON, the visitor from Totnes, is quite equal in dignity to his perhaps, your primitive predecessors would have repudiated it for themselves-is probably aware that a petition has been got up by the Hyde Park. They may both, at some long-distant day, make part of jewellers, goldsmiths, and other trades, praying that the British his epitaph. We would further suggest as typical of his Grace, that Museum and National Gallery may be open on Sundays. I respectfully the monument should be capped with one of ANNE's ginger-beer bottles: ask your Grace to support the prayer of this petition on the following an earthy utensil, cold without, bottling mere pop and froth within. grounds.

THE Irish paper called the Nation, has published a letter which is truly national. The writer is a MR. ALEXANDER PELISSIER, of Mastfield, Clonmel, and the object of his communication, says the Dublin correspondent of the Times,

"Is to prove that there can be no mistake with regard to the Irish descent of the conqueror of Sebastopol."

Which fact the Hibernian PELISSIER proves thus:

"The family, he says, is originally Huguenot. ALEXANDER PELISSIER, PETER, and JOHN, with two sisters, escaping from the persecution, settled in Dublin."

So that Irish descent is identical with French extraction; and PADDY WHACK PELISSIER originally came from France-no doubt with his coat nately buttoned behind him.

I invite your Grace seriously to consider what employment a journeyman or mechanic of any sort can find for his time between church hours. Will you say that he ought to be reading the Bible all day? That would be a new duty, may it please your Grace, for a common Christian man: a duty not three hundred years' old, whereas The Sweetest Moment of Friendship. we are now living ANNO DOMINI 1855. That he should be thus availing himself of the advantage afforded him by the invention of FRIENDSHIP dearly loves to crack its nut after dinner, more especially printing, and the solicitude of JAMES THE FIRST, would be very when it has at its side a friend and a bottle of wine, (both of whom desirable, if the occupation were as consistent with his bodily health have been mellowed and improved by age,) the better to enable it to as it would be conducive to his spiritual welfare. Conducive to that, crack it.

RACHEL WRITING IN NEW YORK.

PRIVACY IN SCOTTISH INNS.

VERY garbled letter of RACHEL'S has THE "Scots wha hae wi' WALLACE bled," shed their blood in com-
appeared in the papers. The letter pany with that hero from a strong objection which they entertained to
purported to be a reply to certain of chains and slavery." The slavery, however, consisted in foreign
her fellow-countrymen, who on the domination, and the chains were of alien manufacture; but our Cale-
natal day of old chivalrous LAFAY- donian friends now submit to be bound hand and foot by native tyranny
ETTE, ingenuously desired the Hebrew exercised through the Act of a species of busy bailie body. Not that we
maiden to sing to them, as she had mean to say that MR. FORBES MACKENZIE is literally a bailie-we
been wont to sing seven years before, mention this to save him the trouble of writing, perhaps, and informing
the Marseillaise at the Théâtre Fran- us that he is some other kind of Scotch magistrate. This gentleman
çais. Magnificently, too, did she appears to have been devoting his energies to the diminution of the
chant that strain-those notes that comfort of Scotch inns, as far as comfort is comprised in toddy.
have beaten like "the double, double, Such, at least, is the natural inference from a letter signed "BONA
double drum" upon the hearts of FIDE," which lately appeared in the Scotsman, headed "FORBES
generations. She seemed to glide MACKENZIE'S Act," and stating that a respectable tavern-keeper in
upon the stage, moving like a snake Leven had just been fined £1 5s., with 15s. expenses by a bench of
erect; and clutching the tricolor Cupar justices, under the circumstances following:-
about her, as though in its web were
the charm of her existence, she mut-
teringly chanted that grand air, as
though beneath the doomed thrones
of kings, she sybil-like chanted their
universal downfall. Now such a
sybil could hardly have written the
letter that JONATHAN has printed in
her name. Punch is fortunate that
he can give the true copy :-

66

"At the last annual fair in Leven, on the 4th July last, a gentleman from Lochgelly put up at the tavern-keeper's and engaged his bed for the night. Although the evening of the annual fair, the tavern-keeper's house was cleared before eleven o'clock P.M., and the traveller from Lochgelly retired to his bedroom, where he was furnished, some time before eleven o'clock P.M., with a gill of whisky and cold water. After eleven, P.M., the police constable demanded admittance, and went through the house. He found the Lochgelly gentleman in his bed-room with whisky and water on the table, and reported the case. The tavern-keeper was summoned at the instance of the Superintendent of Police, and on the case being called yesterday, he gave the above explanation, and submitted to the Justices whether he had contravened the statute. The Police Superintendent thereupon rose and stated, that if a drop of whisky was found in a public-house before a traveller, even in his bed-room, after eleven o'clock at night, the keeper of the public-house was clearly liable in a penalty under the statute. The Justices adopted this view, and the tavern-keeper was fined, as already stated, the Justices warning him to take better care in future. "I am, &c., BONA FIDE."

"Dear Countrymen,-It is seven years since, in public, I sang the Marseillaise, although daily I sing it for my own patriotic consolation. Then, DELAMARTINE was thun- When a policeman can walk into a man's bed-room, in order to see dering, like another MIRABEAU, at the Hôtel de Ville, and the barri- whether or no he is drinking grog at a late hour, without incurring the cades of Paris were not removed. Under those circumstances, a je ne peril of being legally kicked out again, the degree of personal liberty, sais quoi gave me something that resembled a voice. Now, the empire to which a people amongst whom that possibility exists has descended, is peace; and were I to make the least effort to sing the Marseillaise may be said to be low. Are there no exemptions from liability to this in New York, I feel that, on my return to Paris, I should be compelled surveillance of the Police? If so, the Highlands will be a very unsuitto sing very small indeed. Remembering what the Marseillaise was, able destination for any tourist wearing petticoats other than tartan, and as the Ophelia of the divine WILLIAMS says, seeing what I have and reaching below the knee. Sex constitutes no exemption from seen, seeing what I see," I often feel exhausted after thinking of it. being taken ill in the night, and wanting a drop of brandy-or whisky. "As a daughter of Israel, I should really fear to do wrong to interests It might pay an officious constable in Scotland to watch hotels late of no other than my own if I were to augment my fatigues. nights, mark any sudden light appearing in the window, rush up and "You will, I am sure, believe as much as myself in the deep regret demand entrance, and get considerably bribed for waiving his right of which I feel at this moment-(what I may be permitted by my strength intrusion into a lady's chamber. HER MAJESTY, on her way to Balto do on my next visit events must say)-at not daring to promise what moral, if she ever chose to put up for a night at a hotel, may run the you wish for me. risk of being much incommoded by some over-active and fanatical officer. The happy pairs who leave St. George's, Hanover Square, will not so often quit that sacred and fashionable edifice for the vicinity of Ben Nevis and Loch Lomond, as such beatified parties used to do before the Act of this MACKENZIE gave such very extraordinary powers to constables, in order to check the consumption of the produce of Islay and Glenlivat.

"I did love to sing the Marseillaise as much as I now love to play my finest part in CORNEILLE, but-but-nous avons changé tout cela. N'est-ce pas ?

Accept (not the Marseillaise) but the assurance of my distinguished sentiments,"RACHEL.

"P.S. In the home of their adopted country, if I know anything of at least the hearts of Frenchmen, I must know that the native airs of that country must by adoption be dear to their bosoms. Hence, it will give me great pleasure to execute Yankee-Doodle. This beautiful, but inspiring air, whilst it animates all the emotions that must ever fire the American breast, is, nevertheless, I venture to hope, still within the compass of my voice; or, pardonnez-moi, that je ne sais quoi that resembles a voice."

Parliamentary Intelligence.

MR. BERNAL OSBORNE, it is said, is busily engaged in putting the finishing touches of caustic to a tremendous Philippic he intends delivering against the Protectionists next season. The speech is the same that the clever Secretary of the Admiralty had prepared against the present Ministry just before he accepted office; but it is found that with a few alterations, and of names principally, the speech will answer just as well now as then, and that there is no fear of a single." point being lost to the country.

I don't Believe you, my Boy.

Dropping a Line.

THE clever fellows who undertook to lay down the electric telegraph for communication between England and America have laid it down so thoroughly that nobody can get it up again. The whole of the cable has dropped into the ocean, and the only person who will receive any communication through this telegraph is old FATHER NEPTUNE, who is destined to be literally" troubled with a line," for a large twisted rope at the bottom of one's bed must be a source of very considerable annoyance.

GREAT BENEFIT OF THE COUNTRY.

A REGULAR Cockney says: "There is certainly one decided advantage that a person derives from living in the country; and that is, it "enables him to wear out his old clothes and boots, and to put on such worn-out shabby things generally as he never could think of wearing in town."

A Certainty as Safe as the Bank.

To the category of Old Boys, which used to be limited to Post-boys and Pot-boys, we must now add the whole tribe of Beggar-boys; for we A BANK-NOTE is frequently cut in two, and sent on different perceive that a book has been recently published called the Autobio- days through the Post to ensure its safe delivery. And so it is with graphy of a Beggar-Boy, comprising his fifty years' experience. We Sebastopol; we have already received one-half, and expect the remithave seen Post-boys old enough to have reached their second childhood, tance of the other half by the arrival of the next despatches. but this autobiographical Beggar-boy may be said literally to beggar every other description of boy by the duration of his puerility.

FEE! FI! Fo! FA! FUM!-The reason why a Doctor always feels the pulse is, we suppose, that he should not leave his patient fee(1)-less?

FROM THE HIGHLANDS.

A VERY suspicious-looking Eagle has been observed hovering about the Royal palace of Balmoral. It is supposed that the bird of ill-omen has an eye towards HER MAJESTY'S dove-cote.

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinet of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of Tondon.-SATURDAY, October 13, 1855,